I Am A Bad, Bad Person...

...because my first response to this story was raucous laughter...

Couple falls to their death while trying to take selfie

A Polish couple has fallen to their death in Portugal while trying to take a selfie near a cliff, according to local media reports.

The bodies of the couple – who were not identified – have been recovered after initial attempts to rescue them on Saturday were hampered by rough conditions in the waters off Cabo da Raca, Polish Radio reports.

Now, there's a sad part to this, as the couple left behind two children - who watched their idiot parents fall to their deaths. I feel bad for those kids - they didn't ask to be born to people that don't have the common sense that G-d gave gravel. Perhaps they will be raised by someone with a better sense of self-preservation, like a lion tamer.

I just don't get the daredevil stuff, I really don't. Sky diving, bungee jumping; all of that just makes me scratch my head. I ride a motorcycle, and that's enough risk for me; I don't need to go out actively seeking ways to get myself killed. I have to think that it's thrill-seeking at work here, because the alternative is TSTL - they just didn't give the cliff enough credence and forgot that gravity isn't just a good idea, it's the law.

Reading this account, I have even less sympathy for the recently deceased. They apparently went around a safety barrier to get their picture - when you actively circumvent items intended to keep you from doing unsafe things, it's hard to move the "give-a-s**t-meter". It's one thing to misjudge the edge and slip. It's entirely another (dumber) thing to go around the perimeter set up for safety.

At least that's a mistake they won't make again...

That is all.

If They Weren't Stupid They Wouldn't Be Criminals...

Joseph in IL sends in this story of one dumb criminal... This is rich.

Suspected cell phone thief calls 911 to report that victim won't leave her alone

A suspected cell phone thief in Washington may want to re-evaluate things the next time she feels inclined to call 911 for emergency assistance.

The female suspect reportedly called 911 to get in touch with the Seattle Police Department because the man she allegedly stole a cell phone from wouldn't leave her alone.

There's stupid, and then there's "why doesn't she drown in the shower?" stupid. I mean, this woman steals the dude's phone, then when he confronts her about it, first off her boyfriend assaults him, then she calls the cops on him? Really? I wonder how that call went...

[911 Operator] "911, what is your emergency?"

[Stupid bint] "Yeah, well, this guy whose phone I stole won't leave me alone. He's like, stalking me or something.

[911 Operator] ...

[Stupid bint] "I mean, I even had my boyfriend rough him up, but he still wants his phone back. Can I file a restraining order or something?"

[911 Operator] ...

I guess it's a good thing they're so dumb...

That is all.

I See... Dumb People...

Joseph in IL was kind enough to send in this story as an antidote to all the bad news out there. Go ahead. Just try and read this one with a straight face...

Cops: Drunk got in police car with officers inside

Pittsburgh police say a drunken woman tried to drive away in an unmarked police car — with two officers still inside.

According to a criminal complaint, 32-year-old Ria Buford got into the car at about 2:15 a.m. Saturday outside a nightclub that was hosting a party after the Wiz Khalifa concert.

Now, the officers were in the back seat of the car and it was unmarked. That's something, I guess. It's about the only thing this person got right, though. I guess it's a good thing she chose a police car - imagine what could have happened had that been a young couple "parking" when this drunk lout tried to steal their car?

How messed up do you have to be to get in someone else's car while they're inside it and announce you're going to drive it? I mean, what did she think was going to happen? (Don't answer that; it's rhetorical as obviously she didn't think at all). Grand theft auto. Kidnapping. DUI. If a determined prosecutor decided to make an example out of her, they could *really* make her life a living hell.

Chances are she'll left off with a warning, a fine, and traffic school, though, so it's unlikely the lesson will really take...

That is all.

His Karma Ran Over ... Him.

Several people sent this one in. Yes, I giggled...

Florida man run over by own truck during road rage incident

A man in Florida apparently got a dose of road rage karma when police say he was run over by his own pickup truck after getting out to bang on another driver's window.
...
The Gainesville Sun reports 48-year-old Joseph Carl had been drinking and drove into a vehicle stopped at a red light. He got out of his truck without putting it in park and began banging on the window of a woman's car. When the frightened woman drove away, there was nothing holding his truck in place.

The truck rolled into Carl. A police report says he was taken to the hospital where he was treated for fractures in his hand and foot.

So, let's recap. Idiot drives drunk. Drunk Idiot fails to see that traffic has stopped for a red light and plows into a car stopped at the red light. Drunk Idiot then gets out of his truck and attempts to assault the person he hit. Person he hit very wisely elects to GTFO. Since Drunk Idiot failed to put his vehicle in Park, it runs his drunk ass over.

I can't tell if it was the hand of G-d that put his truck in gear, or if the truck had simply had too much of its idiot owner and took things into its own gears. It's also hard to qualify this as a "road rage" incident, too - it's possible he was just trying to exchange papers and, given his inebriated state, unable to properly modulate his attempt. I know a bunch of folks who can't control their volume when under the influence, that sort of thing.

With that said, getting run over by your own vehicle because you're too drunk to put it in park is just priceless...

That is all.

Usually They Have A Hard Time Getting *In*...

Shaking my head here, boss, at the story Joseph in IL sent in...

Thoughts, Freud? Vagina sculpture traps US student

An American exchange student who got stuck in a giant vagina sculpture was freed by firefighters in southwestern Germany.

Tuebingen fire service official Markus Mozer said Monday that the young man slipped as he tried to climb into the stone sculpture to pose for a photo.

I'm going to go ahead and predict that bier was involved here... I mean, I'd sure as hell hate to think that he got himself stuck--to the point he needed extrication--without some form of social lubricant, you know what I mean?

See, kids? It starts off simple enough. "Bet you can't fit through there, Guenther." "You first, Uter." "I know, let's get the American exchange student drunk and see if he's dumb enough to try it. I'll buy you a Toblerone if he is!"

In closing,

That is all.

Blood... Boiling...

Just... wow.

Ohio police say Indiana couple overdosed on heroin while with children at McDonald's play area

CINCINNATI – An Indiana couple has been jailed in Ohio on child endangering charges because police say they overdosed on heroin in a McDonald's play area.

Hamilton County court records show that the fire department in Green Township, just west of Cincinnati, responded to a call Sunday of two adults needing attention in the restaurant's children's play area. Authorities say one was unconscious and not breathing, and the other was conscious but unresponsive.

The kids were 5 and 8. I guess it could have been worse - it could have been a nursing infant. I quit smoking for my kids. I lost over 100 pounds and started exercising for my kids. These two selfish assholes couldn't stop putting poison in their veins for their kids. They couldn't even have the decency to drop dead from the OD so the kids can be taken away, given to someone more responsible--like hyenas--and have a shot at life.

Look, I get addiction. I smoked for nearly 20 years. I've had the monkey on my back. It's been over 13 years since I quit, and there are *still* days when I would crawl over broken glass for another cigarette. I still have The Dream where I start smoking again and am pissed at myself because it means I'll have to quit again. But I quit, because I know it's best for me and my family. I don't want my kids seeing Daddy smoking and thinking it's okay.

But these selfish assholes have no compunction about shooting up heroin in front of their kids - die in a fire.

That is all.

Another dispatch from...

(image courtesy of Robb Allen)

Yes, Even More Stupid!

This one's a doozy...

Pennsylvania suspect arrested after taunting police on Facebook

Police in one northeastern Pennsylvania town really "liked" this Facebook post.

Officers in Freeland arrested 35-year-old Anthony Lescowitch on Monday night, less than two hours after he shared a wanted photo of himself and taunted police for not being able to find him, the (Wilkes-Barre) Times Leader reported Tuesday.

That sound you hear? That's me laughing. Dude re-posts the wanted picture and dares the police to catch him - so they do. That's karma going upside Dumbass's head with a clue-by-four. Sometimes we really *do* get everything that's coming to us, especially when we go out of our way to antagonize the folks responsible for giving it to us...

It really shouldn't surprise me. People are stupid. End of story. It's when they try to get cute that they put their stupidity on display, a brazen and wanton willful exhibition of dumbassery matched only by their penchant for lawlessness. From bored suburban teens who videotape themselves destroying other people's property to thugs who capture themselves beating innocent people for fun, the propensity of the human animal to be a complete and utter moron is great.

Sadly, modern medicine tends to thwart Mr. Darwin far too often...

That is all.

Another dispatch from...

(image courtesy of Robb Allen)

Life Imitates "The Far Side"

Joseph in IL sent this in. Words fail me...

Burglar stymied when he pulls door marked ‘PUSH’

A would-be burglar was stopped in his tracks when he failed to break into a Chicago, Illinois neighborhood bar because he was pulling on a door marked ‘PUSH.’ As reported by DNAinfo.com, the bumbling crook was caught on surveillance footage (you can see here) entering The Shambles’ winter vestibule, a temporary covering in front of the bar, where he was protected from view. Then, at the bar’s front door in the early morning, he was able to remove the lock.
...
Despite getting past the door brace, which works to prevent doors from being pushed in, and the sticker on the door that reads, ‘PUSH,’ the determined but challenged thief was still unable to enter the bar. The Shambles owner, Joe Lin said, "It's much funnier on the video, but the still shots show him pulling on the door. He could have pushed it."

I really don't know what to think about this. Obviously this guy knew something about breaking into places, as evidenced by the burglary tools and broken lock. But to be stymied by a door that opened inward rather than outward? I mean really. Apparently the only security you need in that crook's neighborhood is a sign that says "Push" when you really need to pull...

You almost have to wonder the cause-and-effect here. Is this guy a crook because he's too stupid to do anything else? Or is it that his inability to perform any other useful functions have caused him to turn to a life of crime? I mean, it's hard to imagine what sort of career would befit someone incapable of opening a door...

Ah, dumb criminals, you make the world more mirthful.

That is all.

Y'All Hold My Skippy And Watch This...

Sent in by #1 blogdaughter, who wants it known that this did NOT happen down south...

Iowa man arrested after fight with brother over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

DES MOINES, Iowa – Police say an Iowa man was arrested after he pulled a knife on his brother during a fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The Des Moines Register reports (http://dmreg.co/1e5JdAD ) that Jerome Davis was arrested on Friday after the confrontation with his brother in their Des Moines home. Both men are in their 50s.

Folks, if you are in your damn 50s and you're pulling a knife on someone because you think they've had too many PBJs, you need to stop and take a very serious look at your life and priorities. Now, I get it. This may very well have been the very last straw in a long-running fight between the two brothers.

But damn, you pulled a weapon on your own flesh and blood? Over $5 worth of peanut butter, jelly, and bread? Whatever the issues may have been, are they worth assault charges? A potential felony on your record? It just goes to show that "redneck" is a state of mind, not a state in the union.

Because if you've ever pulled a knife on kin over a sandwich, you might just be a redneck.

That is all.

Foot in Mouth, Part II

This time it's Bill Maher, who's no stranger to saying stupid shit.

Bill Maher tells Boston: 'Your city was not leveled by Godzilla'

More like Boston wrong, Bill Maher.

The host of HBO’s “Real Time With Bill Maher” took a shot at Bostonians during Friday’s episode while speaking with disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner regarding the Red Sox World Series parade on Nov. 2, which drew millions of baseball fanatics to Fenway Park months after the Boston Marathon bombing on April 15.

You know, when Anthony Weiner is being the voice of reason, it's time to step back and take a good look at the verbal diarrhea falling out of your mouth, Bill. Way to make an (even bigger than usual, which is saying something) ass of yourself. The Red Sox won the World Series. Every city in America has a celebration when their local team wins the championship. This year, there was a terrorist bombing in that city just a little over six months ago.

Because the Red Sox acknowledged that, Maher has to belittle what happened and downplay the terrorist actions? More people died in car accidents? You really want to go there, Bill? Aren't you one of the pro-gun control people?  So, let's get it straight, shall we? Terrorist shitbags - that your hero Obama failed to stop - set off bombs in a crowd of people, killing three and injuring scores more. This is no big deal in your book because more people die in car crashes, right? You want to go down the moral relativism hole, bunky?

Keep your mouth closed, or at least firmly attached to Barack Obama's ass, where it has been for quite some time, you lousy hack.

That is all.

Friday Funnies...

Heh. DB sends in this story. I can't help but chuckle a bit...

Pilot apologizes for firing rifles from helicopter

CHARLESTOWN, R.I. (AP) — A pilot has apologized for shooting rifles with friends from a low-flying helicopter in Charlestown.

The Westerly Sun reports (http://bit.ly/19e1ZlR ) that Dean F. Scalera said he "apologized up and down" and promised it won't happen again.

I loved this part especially:

Charlestown Police Sgt. Philip B. Gingerella Sr. reported that when he asked Scalera why he thought it was a good idea to fire guns in a populated area, Scalera said the helicopter was low enough to be safe and he knew of pilots in other areas who have done the same thing.

"In Rhode Island?" Gingerella asked.

"No, Texas," Scalera replied.

Gingerella replied, "This is Rhode Island, not Texas."

Now, first off, as long as they were firing safely, I certainly don't think they were doing anything wrong. It's just... Rhode Island? I'm just trying to figure out how they thought they *wouldn't* attract all sorts of attention with something like that.

Now, when I was out in Colorado last year, there was an abandoned car that some folks were shooting at. It's in the middle of a field with literally miles of empty space around it. Had we had access to a helicopter, we could certainly have shot at the car from it. Heck, we blew up a refrigerator with tannerite and no one noticed. But the basic difference is that we were in Colorado, not Rhode Island...

It just goes to show that "hold my beer and watch this s**t" is universal and not limited to any geographic locality...

That is all.

Some Saturday Levity...

Heh. Ruth sends in the latest story of stupid bad guys...

Police: Syracuse man suspected of robbing bank fell 21 floors down garbage chute

Syracuse, N.Y. -- A North Side man remained in critical condition after he robbed a bank Thursday, climbed into a garbage chute of a nearby building and fell 21 floors, Syracuse police said.

Robin Gutheridge, 26, of 306 Shuart Ave., Syracuse, was arrested in connection with a bank robbery at the Chase Bank at 110 W. Fayette St.

Police said Gutheridge walked into the bank and passed a threatening note to a teller demanding money. He then fled the bank on foot with an undisclosed amount of cash.

So, apparently our budding young Willie Sutton robbed the bank across the street from the apartment complex of someone he knew. Maybe he was looking for a booty call after getting away with the booty, who knows? He was spotted at the apartment complex and the police were called, and apparently while they were looking for him, he jumped in the first hiding spot he saw - which happened to be a garbage chute that spanned the entire height of the building...

Now, any bets on when the first lawsuit over garbage chutes will be filed?

In any case, he's recovering, which in and of itself is pretty darn amazing, considering that he fell 21 stories (although I would imagine it wasn't a *straight* fall). He's being charged with the bank robbery, and with any kind of luck he's had a harrowing enough experience that he might rethink his chosen avocation.

Or maybe next time he'll just jump off the building entirely and spare us the cost of a trial...

That is all.

Afternoon Yuks...

Heh. Got this fresh off the BLNN and I can't stop chuckling...

New York cellphone robbery suspect tripped up by sagging jeans, report says

A Brooklyn man who police say punched a woman in the face before taking her cellphone was arrested Tuesday after his loose-fitting jeans fell to his ankles, allowing police to catch up to him on a busy street, The New York Post reported.

A witness told the paper that the suspect was ‘zigzagging’ all over the place “but he couldn’t run” because his pants were falling down. The suspect, Joel Donaldson, 21, was arrested two blocks from the borough’s criminal court and charged with robbery, the report said.

Okay, why in the bloody hell was he NOT charged with assault and battery as well? I am *hoping* (although, where this is NYFC, I am not terribly optimistic) that he was charged with strongarm robbery, which is significantly higher up the food chain than a simple snatch-n-grab. I can only assume/hope that this is shoddy reporting and not shoddy criminal charges - but again, it's NYFC. I wouldn't be surprised by anything.

Again, we have yet another instance of someone being assaulted by a so-called "unarmed" person. Earlier today I posted a story with two linked items about people beaten to death. "Unarmed" is a loaded, BS term, especially as the media uses it. They attempt to make the connection of "unarmed" with "harmless", and this is completely and totally false. More people are beaten to death by blunt objects than are killed with "assault weapons", yet the two types of killings receive grossly disparate coverage.

It is interesting to note that his sartorial choices led to an easy apprehension - it seems like he wanted to talk the talk, but his pants didn't allow him to walk the walk...

That is all.

Yep. School's Back In Session...

Ah. Like the swallows returning to Capistrano signifies the return of spring, so does the return of moving trucks to Boston signify the start of the school year. And, as we have every year, people just cannot read...

Truck Stuck Under Storrow Drive Overpass

BOSTON (CBS) – It’s a sign that summer is coming to an end and school will be starting soon in Boston.

A moving truck got stuck under the overpass on Storrow Drive eastbound Monday afternoon near the Liberty Hotel.

A bird's song is the music of spring, and waves gently lapping the shore provides the music for summer. Winter is quiet, a thick blanket of white snow muting sounds and hiding signs of life. But fall? Fall is filled with the sounds of leaves rustling, children returning to school, and trucks scraping the overpass.

Such are the rites of passage in a NannyState where we "discourage self-help" (like reading the damn signs for height maximums)...

That is all.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Duuuuummmb!

Joseph in IL (who was also on vacation last week) sends this story of an exceptionally stupid criminal:

Man arrested after leaving prison ID at Decatur crime scene

August 16, 2013 (DECATUR, Ill.) -- Police didn't have to work too hard to track down a man they say robbed a central Illinois home after he left his Department of Corrections ID card on the ground.

The (Decatur) Herald & Review reports 25-year-old Drake A. Ellis was arrested this week. He's being held in the Macon County Jail on $50,000 bond for variety of charges for the burglary along with aggravated battery.

And if you need to find Mr. Ellis, he's at the corner of Dumb and Ass...This is like the third crime that has been solved because the criminal left their identification at the scene of the crime in recent memory. It's hard to fathom why someone would bring something with all of their personal information on it with them when they went to commit a crime - not to mention leaving it behind. Then again, if they were smart, they most likely wouldn't be criminals.

This is now his fourth arrest in eight years for breaking and entering/theft/etc. Obviously he's not learning his lesson - although that is a matter for debate. If the lesson is "Hey, why not break into that house, at worst you'll get caught and do six months or less", then he's learned it fine. If the lesson is "Don't break into houses, it's not nice", he's not learning it at all. Notice, too, that he plies his trade in IL and not one of the surrounding states where the lesson he might learn would be "break into my house and they'll carry you out in the morning".

Guess he's not that dumb then, is he?

That is all.

Dumbass Criminal Is A Dumbass...

Joseph in IL sends in this story of a REALLY dumb criminal...

Robber Caught After Leaving Birth Certificate, Note From Mom at Crime Scene

A Boston robber who snatched a woman’s wallet in a schoolyard was handily caught by police after he left his birth certificate and a note from his mother at the scene of the crime.

Zachary Tentoni, 26, of Southington, Conn., was arrested on charges of unarmed robbery on Monday. The alleged robbery victim told police that she had exited the Fields Corner T station in Dorchester and was walking through the schoolyard of Harbor Middle School when a man approached her from behind.

Hoo, boy. I mean, first off, dumbass leaves his stuff behind to steal her clutch purse - i.e. small, as in not likely to contain the crown jewels or a big screen TV. He leaves clothes, sneakers, and other material - as well as identification - behind in order to grab something that might have been of value. Had she only had a few dollars and her driver's license in the purse - or a credit card she could cancel in minutes - he would have actually LOST money on the transaction.

But it gets even better. He gave a fake name to the police when he was apprehended, which is a big no-no and something they can tack onto the charges. I'm still trying to gather why he had his birth certificate on him - it's not something I carry around. I mean, the "note from mom" was most likely a letter from home - you know, put on sunscreen, look both ways before crossing the street, don't leave identifying information lying around when you rob someone - the usual stuff from mom.

I hope his mom's the Italian one, and she beats his ass good the next time he comes home - if for nothing else, for being a colossal dumbass.

That is all.

If It Can't Be a DGC Addition...

...at least it can be humorous. Skidmark sends in this dumb criminal story.

Florida carjacking at gunpoint fails after man can’t drive stick shift

A man was arrested in Florida last week after his plot to steal a car was foiled by his inability to operate a manual transmission.

In a Facebook post on Wednesday, the Escambia County Sheriff’s Office said that 19-year-old Antoren “Chief Keef” Bell had been charged with theft, robbery and criminal mischief for an attempted May 18 carjacking.

Okay, now, maybe the reporting is incomplete, but it seems to me that there are a few charges missing. At the very least, he was carrying that firearm without a permit, as the age in Florida is 21. That's assuming the gun was legally owned by Mr. Bell and not stolen, and also that he is not an ineligible person. Secondly, "criminal mischief"??? He stuck a gun in someone's face and demanded their car. That's at least criminal threatening, if not attempted murder. It's certainly strongarm robbery. Maybe someone local (Paging the Pantsless One) can find more info on this story?

It certainly seems as though "chief" is getting off light - well, until the other guys in jail learn he got caught because he can't drive stick...

That is all.

Sometimes, Stupidity Is Fatal, Part ???

From Joseph in IL comes this story of WTF...

Man Dies After Leaning Out Of Moving Car, Hitting Parked Vehicle

CHICAGO (STMW) – A man died Sunday night when he thrust his body outside of a moving car and struck a parked vehicle while speeding past, police said.

Orlando Mayo Jr. died from injuries suffered when he struck the car parked in the 2000 block of East 79th Street while leaning out of a 1987 Chevrolet Caprice, authorities said.

I'm going to go way out on a limb here and venture a guess that either frosty malt beverages or recreational pharmaceuticals were involved in this decision making process... Altered states and friends that goof off normally lead to bad tattoos and questionable life choices. Unfortunately, in rare cases they lead to the very last life choice. This time, this was one of them.

I think it's a rite of passage that we do stupid things as teenagers/young folks. Why else would a young man in his Buick Regal race the Camaro next to him at the street light, smoking the tires as the light turned green and roaring ahead - right in front of a marked sheriff's deputy police car? Or get a VW GTI up on three wheels just because he could?

Sometimes I think the only reason I survived my teens and early 20s is to serve as a cautionary example to my children...

That is all.

And For Your Daily Dose of WTF...

Hot off the BLNN is this lovely story...

2 adult passengers arrested after Louisiana police pull over 10-year-old driving SUV

Kenner police say officers responding to a call about a sport utility vehicle being driven recklessly on Interstate 10 found a 10-year-old boy behind the wheel when they pulled the vehicle over later on a city street.

Two women in the vehicle were arrested. Police said both allegedly said that they told the10-year-old to drive because they were intoxicated.

Several issues come to mind. First off, if you're in charge of a minor, you don't drink to the point where you can't operate a damn motor vehicle. A beer or two with lunch I can see; having so many that you can't drive is another story entirely. With that said, was there no one they could have called to come get them? Or spring for a taxi? In the long run it would have been less expensive to have gotten a hotel room...

Next, there was a 15 year old in the vehicle as well. Why didn't they ask the older child to drive? I can't imagine that a 15 year old would be less suited for driving a car than a 10 year old. Unless, of course, the 15 year old was also intoxicated, which is not beyond being ruled out when you're talking about people that would hand the keys over to a fifth grader...

In any case, there's going to be an interesting dynamic at that house come Thanksgiving dinner...

That is all.

Score One For the Good Guys

This story, sent in by Joseph in IL, is pretty epic...

Burger King Employee Foils Robbery by Stealing Thieves' Getaway Car

A fast food employee is being lauded by police for his fast thinking after foiling a robbery at a Burger King in Stockton, Calif.

As two hamburglars stormed the restaurant brandishing guns and demanding cash, an employee snuck out a back door, according to KOVR-TV in Sacramento.

The employee found the thieves' idling getaway vehicle in the parking lot, hopped in and drove off, stashing the car around the block.

Now, watch, the poor employee will get fired for not complying with the robber's demands or something. Or, being CA, he'll get hit with a grand theft auto charge. My one wish is that there is security camera footage of the crooks coming out of the Burger King, loot in hand, and then realizing that someone has absconded with their getaway vehicle.

Find that footage, set it to "Yakkity Sax", and you've got YouTube GOLD, baby!

That is all.