I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Cody and I got in a fight this week. One of those you say things that you regret fights. Where the yelling out ways the talking and the tears run hot on your face. I am unsure really what it was all about. It seem to consist of everything that bothered us about each other over the last few months which boiled up quickly and hit the fan hard.

A few truths did come out which made him think and which also made me think. One thing he said that rang true for me was that I am always negative. Once he said that I stopped and really thought about that.

Am I? Really? Do I tend to lean to the bad things? Have I lately? And to be completely truthful I have.

At work I am negative.

At home I am negative.

In my car I am negative.

When speaking with friends I am negative.

When speaking with family I am negative.

It has become a full time thing for me.

I rarely have positive things to say about co workers, about my friends, about my family, about anything really.

Why is that?

I know that I have good intentions. I know that I wish to spend my days in bright happy moments and that I long for them but cant seem to get there.

I could blame the pregnancy and say that I am full of hormones that make me go crazy. But then why was I this way before the kid was kicking the shiz out of my belly?

I could say that my IUD was making me crazy (which I think it was.) but really its mind over matter right?

I have come a costumed to being negative. I share only negative stories and thoughts. I demand that people be on the same level as me so I can relish in their own negative thoughts. I can relate to people who talk the same way as I do. I will get bored and tend to be bothered by you if you are happy or talk positive. I tend to do the pshhh yeah right face and push you off as being fake and will get annoyed quickly by your positivity.

So how do you get your positivity back? Well I did the whole “lets search Google and find out how thing” and I read this...

“Being a positive thinker is not about ignoring reality in favor of aspirational thoughts. It is more about taking a proactive approach to your life. Instead of feeling hopeless or overwhelmed, positive thinking allows you to tackle life's challenges by looking for effective ways to resolve conflict and come up with creative solutions to problems.”

So how do you do that? How do you become a positive thinker?

Well I think it all comes down to a choice. Am I going to be negative about this or can I choose to find the positive? The more times I choose to be positive the more likely I will be just that, positive. And knowing that my attitude effects the people and actions around me needs to matter more than it has. The more I am negative the more negative things will surround me. But can you image how it will be if I choose to be have positive things around me? It would be amazing.

I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Tweet

I think working moms get a bad rap.

 

Cody and I had a talk last night about the kid in the belly and the boy that we call Wyatt. It started off talking about how weird it is going to be to have another one and how we cant imagine what it will be like, then it drifted off to how nervous it makes us which then led to us talking about me and working again.

While I was pregnant with Wyatt I worked full time had only two weeks off after he was born and then went back to work full time again. I worked full time hours for a few months and then made the choice to go part time because I notice how difficult it was for Cody to care for Wyatt as a new born. In a way I am glad that I stepped into a part time role but also it was more difficult for us then finically. Cody was and still is an excellent provider but you can only do so much with one income.

So for the first year of Wyatt’s life I stayed home during the week and worked the weekends. Cody last night talked about how he is worried that with me working that I will not be here to teach the new kid how I taught Wyatt. Then he said how it makes him upset that now since I am working I don't do the same things I did with Wyatt when he was little and that he is not being taught anything new.

Man, talk about throwing me into some mom guilt. Thanks. I know that I have talked so much on here about working full time and the stress of trying to be a mom, wife and a full time employee and how it can be hard to juggle it and that most days I wished I’d stay home but when Cody said that I become very defensive.

I do a damn good job at raising Wyatt. He is smart, listens really well and is quite funny and just because I am a working mom does not mean that I don't spend time with him. I mean my days are filled with the worry of Wyatt and if he is being fed, bathed, taught, paid attention too. I pick the right people to take care of him when I have to be at work and I demand that they also care about all those things too and that on the days that he needs me more, work is the last thing on my mind.

I turn down vacations alone with friends, I don't go out every weekend and on my days off they are filled with what fun things am I going to do with Wyatt. If I have to go do errands on my days off I don't make Wyatt go to a babysitters I take him with me.

Who says that working mom’s cant raise their children to be amazing adults. What is the difference of me being home 24/7? Maybe the house would be cleaner and I’d cook more meals but really I would expect Wyatt to be just how he is and learning just what he is learning. I aint going to hold his hand around the house and I wouldn't want him around me at every second because my god does he need to learn to be able to entertain him self because people aren't going to do that for him.

I do understand Cody’s fear though. This kid (the baby) is going to have a different start then Wyatt did but don’t all second kids do? I was a fresh mom with Wyatt I bought all new things, had to have the most expensive stuff, I maybe held him to long and picked him up at every cry. I mean what new mother doesn't?

But I get it now, I get what is needed and what isn't. I will be the mother that is needed even if that means that I have to work or who knows maybe I will make that choice to stay home after the kid is born but regardless I think working moms get a bad rap.

Just because we work to help provide a better life for our children doesn't mean that we are any different then the stay at home moms. Because I know when I stayed home I had the same worries that I do now as a working mom. I just get to juggle more.

Tweet

I am a freaking weird burp throwing up women who screams at her co workers.

I just mopped the shit out of my kitchen floor. It made me hot and sweaty and I about wanted to kill my cats. Who thought it was so funny to keep running across the newly mopped areas and making them well, dirty again. I might have thrown them in a fit of rage but I wont admit to anything cause that's animal abuse people and I aint like that.

Can we just talk a second about my animals and how ridiculous they are as of late. My dog literally has peed on my bed in the middle of the night right next to my head and I have rolled in to it only to wake up smelling of piss. This as caused my husband to sleep on the couch (which is the most uncomfortable thing ever) and it leaves me to still sleep next to the highly smelling like cleaning solution bed because we have only one couch and a toddler bed that are taken so I get the piss bed. Yeah, that sucks.

This dog, Kipper has been peeing all over ever since we got him nurtured two weeks ago and instead of thinking “oh there must be something wrong, I should take him to the vet.” I just wanted to kill him. Then my husband who is all knowing said “You should probably call the vet and make an appointment there could be something wrong.” Sceptical, I called and made an appointment for today. I found out that this poor thing has a bladder infection. My god, I am the worse dog parent ever. Thankfully we got meds and he is doing much better so far. So I am hoping for a free night of not sleeping on piss.

My cats on the other hand might need a new home if they keep going back in my kitchen. Seriously.

Wyatt, has been in this scientist kick. Everything lately has been an experiment. Right now he currently has a “experiment” on my desk where he put a ton of different weeds flowers in a cup filled with water and different crumbs of food all mixed together. So its currently growing mould and stinks and I have to keep reminding him that he cant drink it because it “could ruin the experiment.” and really that's just gross. So if you guys have any ideas of some experiments that we could try that would be awesome! I would love to do something that isn't as gross or actually teaches him something besides how mould grows.

The baby is doing good. I did however this morning do a weird burp that turned in to flying throw up that I had to clean up this morning. It was super weird and super gross. The babe well, he is still nameless and I am slowly coming around to the fact that it could actually be a boy like the doctor said but we will see.

I did have a mini melt down this week at work in the management meeting where I freaked out and told them I had only 4 months left and they better be prepared to be with out me. Yeah, I bet I sounded like a freak.

But really guys, I am already panicking about the amount of time I have left before this kid shows up. It seems like it is flying by and I have nothing ready. I swear I wasn't like this with Wyatt. But this kid, well he is just making me a freaking weird burp throwing up women who screams at her co workers.

Yeah, I am a little nuts. But on the plus side every time I have a freak out moment the husband takes me shopping. So that's awesome.

I will leave you with some old instagram photos of Wyatt and Kipper… because a post isn't as good with out pictures. Oh look how adorable. That's back when I liked my dog. ;)

I hope you all are having a good week end! I actually took photos with my camera that I will be posting soon so look out for them.

Tweet

Your a surprise party waiting to burst out.

How do I feel about this second kid who is still growing inside me? I am unsure with how my emotions should be. I know that I am excited to hold him for the first time and put a face to this tiny heart beat that squished up against my belly. That I will get to count his toes on the feet that kick each time he hears his daddy. That I will get another hand to hold, another mouth to kiss, another soul to love.

Your like a secret hidden inside that boggles my mind. Who is this baby, I know nothing about? I knew instantly everything about Wyatt before he was here. I dreamt of him and how he’d look and what he’d be like but you darling boy, are a secret.

Your a surprise party waiting to burst out. You are something I seem to know nothing about. You are shocker, a absolute wonder and I am amazed at how well you keep a secret.

Who is this baby of mine? Are you going to be like you dad or maybe like me or are you something that no one has ever seen before.

I have one hundred and forty forty days to go before I get to meet you, which just seems to long. I don't even have name to call you yet. Most days I feel normal like there is not a another soul inside of me and then you kick, squirm or flip to remind me that you are here and then I sit and ponder you. The secret boy with no name.

I imagine dark hair softly placed on your head and tiny toes and little fingers and little ears and just you little. I imagine what your cry will be like and how you will fit in my arms and how different it will be to actually hold something so tiny again. I imagine the way you will look at me, with big brown eyes and then I imagine you different. Maybe you'll be blonde like Wyatt and have the same eyes has him or maybe you will have red hair. Will you be bigger than he was? Will you cry be new to me? Will I instantly fall for you like I fell for Wyatt?

Oh little baby, who is such a secret I cant wait to meet you. Where all my questions will be answered and I will sit in disbelief and be completed astounded at who you are.

Tweet

Parenting is hard.

Currently my arms are completely tired and dead asleep after holding my almost 5 year old as I rocked him to sleep tonight for a good hour or so. He had a ruff day. I am unsure why it was so difficult but to him somehow it was.

After having two days off in a row I think it shocks him when I go back to work and stay there for 8+ hours and come home to pick him up from a day of running errands with his grandma who I guess spent a lot of time at the doctors with grandpa today. Not only was his plans for playing with his new basketball gone but grandma also left his new “cuddle bear” that daddy gave him the day before at her house before setting off to the doctors. Which was awful because he talk a lot about how he missed him.

When we finally got home, I was to tired to hear what he had to tell me and I did the pretend your listen and say “oh uh huh, that's cool.” as I tired to watch TMZ and get the gossip of the stars to drown out the boring day at work from my mind. But then I also pawned him off to go with his daddy to Best Buy so they could browse at the movies and TV's and video games which Wyatt is just like me in that department and hates window shopping or any shopping in general.

By the time he got home from that, it was close to 8pm and he hadn't had dinner yet and it was a complete melt down. Tears, and tears poured down his face as he begged me to just cuddle him. Which I of course did and sang him our “Mr Wyatt song” I made up when he was a baby to make him feel better.

We quickly feed him and then went back onto our night as usual. By this time Cody’s friend was over to watch the basketball. So us adults began to talk which left poor Wyatt to sit and listen again not getting the attention he wanted or needed. The “men” went to the “man cave” to watch the game as I went back to my computer to drown out yet again my self from the world and Wyatt sat on my lap as I again listen half way to what he was saying.

And then it was bed time. I hurried Wyatt into a bath that he hasn't taken for a few days and discovered that he had pooped his pants yet again.

Its been a month of this on going battle with him. He poops and then doesn't tell us which then we discover hours later because of the smell when we hug or play with him and then we get upset because we cant understand why he keeps doing it and we talk and talk and talk his ear off about how he is a big boy now and big boys don't poop in their pants. Which just makes him embarrass and he refuses to listen.

When we potty trained Wyatt he basically did it on his own. No reminding him every hour and not many accidents. He even taught him self how to poop on the potty and rarely had an accident. So with him doing this like how he is this month it is becoming stressful to the point that Cody and I even took the Ipad away from him until he learned to poop in the potty again.

Tonight, I learned that I was treating him like a teenager and not the 4 1/2 year old that he is and I learned it the hard way.

Tonight, when I discovered the accident I did the thing we’ve been doing talking to him, scolding him, embarrassing him not because I got joy in it but because I thought this is what would get him to stop. Of course it hasn't been working so finally after talking and talking, talking at him I stopped and finally asked “What can I do to help you not poop in your undies.” and I waited this time for the answer (because I have asked before but never listened before.) I waited with out talking for a few minutes while he cried and tried hard to get what he wanted to say out.

Finally, I held his head in my hands and look at him dead in the eyes and waited again for the answer. Which he gave in a whole heart desperate needed voice. “I need you to help me by not being mad or mean to me.” Shock and pissed at myself for being this way with him I asked how I could help him and him realizing that I was actually listening this time said. “I want to get something for when I do poop on the potty and not get something taken away went I poop in my undies.” “Like what?” I asked and he said this. “A cuddle from you.” insert my broken heart here. Wow, I thought where have I been? Defiantly not here for my kid.

I agreed to not only a cuddle but to a sticker chart that would show him how many times he actually pooped on the potty and a Movie date prize if he gets 20 stickers. (which he chose the amount of stickers to get.)

We left the bath that night both realizing where we stood. Me, the understanding that even though I am a full time working mom, I am also a full time working MOM and I need to start acting like it again. And him, understanding that he does have the ability to help someone realize that he has needs and they need to be heard and that tonight by being honest like he was that he was in fact heard and that he was in fact loved deeply and so needed.

Parenting is hard. Mistakes will be made regardless but they can also be fixed. And fixed with a lot of love.

Tonight as I rocked him, I took the time to actually rock him and took the time to put my self in check. Work is work but mothering is so much more god damn important and I better get my act together and quick because I got another one on the way and he is coming quicker than I can realize.

Tweet

But hey, at least the dishes are clean.

Thursday, I had the same day off as the husband and we planned ahead of time that it would be a day of cleaning. A day where the dishes that have been in the sink for over a month actually get washed and the toilets… you do not want to know the look of them. It was a word that is way worse the disgusting.

I was actually excited that we’d get this house back into order and when I woke up Thursday I went straight to the kitchen and put my purple cloves on and dug my hands in the dirty water that has been sitting there soaking the dishes over a month and empty it. The stench, oh the stench people was way out of control. Waaaay out of control. And the layer of mould… gross. G R O S S. Immediately my pregnant self loss control and I threw up on that same mouldy water. Sorry, but I did. You would have too. Hey I still stuck it out and kept going and the dishes well they are clean and I vowed to only use paper dishes from now on.

The husband took care of the toilets and vacuumed. Clean out the cat litter and smashed all of the soda cans. He took out the garbage and dug out my books from the garage so I could actually put them out my empty bookshelves.

And we did all this while Wyatt was at preschool. We then picked Wyatt up and headed to the travel agency to book our Disneyland Vacation for October. A month after I would be having the baby.

Originally it was going to be just Cody and Wyatt going but then the nice lady talked and it made me feel jealous so I convinced Cody that I could go too and that taking a maybe one month old wouldn't be that bad. I could do it! I mean I went back to work full time after 2 weeks after having a C-section with Wyatt and I also hiked for a week in Zion's last summer after I had emergency appendix surgery a week before. I could totally handle a 1 month old in Disney right?

Well as we headed home to go back and clean the rest of the house I choose to take Wyatt to a movie instead and Cody headed into work to close since he is short employees. So as I am typing this I currently have laundry still folded on the floor in the living room and more to fold smashed in a basket in the laundry and still more in the dryer. The dishes are clean but still need to put away so they are sitting on the counter. Wyatt’s toys are all over, some in each room and the books Cody got out for me well they are still in the box and my bookshelves are still empty. So the clean house I envision is still non-existent. But hey at least the dishes are clean.

Oh ps, I am slowly getting around to those who are new here. HIIIIIIIIIIII and HELLLOO!! Thanks for stopping by!!! and can I say I have some great posts coming up… my plans are to talk about raising a sensitive boy and the “brave badge” that helped him talk to people. Also to talk about a pooping issue we have been having. And a chore chart in the works and dare I say I am going to talk about where I am at in the pregnancy and also the fact that the husband refuses to choose a name. And how my work doesn't realize that I am 4 months away from not being in the HR office because of my maternity leave and what that means to them and how you should act doing an interview to actually get the job. So look out cause I will be blogging. I hope you stick around with me.

Okay, now I will leave you with a photo from my actually big girl camera! (wait, I still have it?) Cause no post is good with out pictures.

This is from the Color Festival where my camera decided that it would be a good idea not to work. Poo, so out of the 100+ photos this is the only one I could save that I actually like. I cried, when I got home and found out that really none turned out because of my card reader. But hey at least this one is of Wyatt. So enjoy.

Tweet

Hello, and welcome!

Hi I am Audrey, I am a crazy loud fun loving full time working momma who tends to overshare. I will be married 6 years this June to my totally opposite from me husband named Cody. He is super quiet, shy and hates to be around more then 2 people at time and suffers from manic depressant anxiety disorder.

We have a 4 year old little boy named Wyatt who is our whole world. He is like his daddy in the quiet department but I am slowly putting my wild into him. I am currently pregnant with our 2nd child who I just found out is a BOY (which I am still convinced my doctor is wrong and that it really is a girl.)

 

I started this blog in 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with Wyatt but also when I was dealing with issues from the husband (which thank goodness we got through.) This place can be crazy sometimes where I talk about what ever is mind which sometimes doesn't make since. Then this place can become serious where I talk about my deep honest feelings. I tend to be too truthful for some people.

I also love photography. I share tutorials and tips as much as I can but lately I have been instagramming which as left my big girl camera a little dusty. (click the pictures for the tutorials.)

Thanks for stopping by I hope you hang out for a bit. I appreciate all my readers please take a moment and leave me a link to your blog in the comments so I can stop by and say hi and get to know more about you!

You can also find me here… Facebook, twitter, and instagram.

{linking up with the Ultimate Blogger Party}

Tweet

A few things.

Hey guys! Can I just say that I have been feeling 80% better with this pregnancy finally. Right? ugh… I am currently 15 weeks and this kid is no longer a shrimp but a full size apple. (what?) Wyatt is in love with the fact that its an apple and tells me that it needs to be a watermelon next. Ha-ha and I would agree I would love too already have this kid out um wait… just as I typed that I had “a holy shit” mini panic attack. So clearly I am not ready for that so never mind. This kid can stay an apple for a while.

I have been a busy bee lately in ways that I thought I would prefer not to be. I just did two 12 hour days in a row at my work. My legs are dead tired and I forgot to eat both days until it was late at night when I shoved anything in my mouth and pray to god to not throw it up. So thank you god, because I didn't.

We have this “culture change” going on at work. So I have been in meetings to learn how to communicated better and to motive better. At first I was sooo not into this whole idea because we all know that I have written a ton of post about how work is well… sucky. But I go to this training and a lot of what was said made a ton of sense and I had a lot of those aha moments where the things I learned will not only help at work but with life its self. Then I got to meet with my region HR manager yesterday who was not only super nice (shocking) but was willing to help me through a lot of HR matters that I struggle with. I got so much training that last night I could not turn my brain off. I thought about all the ways I want to improve at work and improve at home. It was something that I needed for sure.

It is funny how a little direction can change how you feel. I hope that this change actually works and that work for me will be better because I hate to say it but I don't actually think I could be a stay at home mom I think that thought has always been “the grass is greener on the other side” when in reality it might not be. I guess we will see how it will be when I go on maternity leave in September.

Anyway this post was not intended to talk about all that stuff so to get to the point I was going to blog about was the whole Google Reader issue and the fact that I am now on Bloglovin’ so follow me. Okay? okay. Thanks. You guys are awesome.

You can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, Google Plus and Twitter.

Tweet

Release me.

Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. Move me swiftly into another world where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass tickles our toes and the clouds puff themselves up to show off their soft corners that need to be touched in just away, that air is the only thing that wont break them.

Thrust me forward to the days where popsicles melt and sticky fingers are the only way to where them on your hand. Where mud pies are the only pies we can eat and puddles beg to be jumped in.

Oh spring, spark you magic on the flowers to open their shells. I yearn to watch them bloom. Their soft petals carefully slide open to finally feel the air touch their skin while the rain thirsts to kiss their cheeks.

Let the birds sing sweetly, eagerly as they dart to and fro. Let the began take place. Let me rise, extend, birth into this new life where growth is just a matter of time.

Oh spring, release me from this coiled and constrained position. I need to stretch, bend, explode, move on from this winter monotonous routine. I am tired, bored, uninterested of these gloomy days where nothing but hopelessness surrounds us.

Oh spring where are you? I need, no yet demand that you come and take me where the light is held on by the warmth and the grass will in fact tickle our toes.

     

**NOTE: The poem I wrote today but these photos are from last years color festival which is coming up at the end of this month. I can not wait to actually get to be apart of it again this year. Hopefully it sparks my creativity again. I will be bringing Wyatt with me this year I hope he has a much fun I as I did last year.**

Follow my blog with BloglovinTweet

Because this baby hates me.

I have only known that I have been pregnant for 3 weeks. Not only does it feel like I have already been pregnant forever but tonight as I am forced to wonder if  all this morning/all day sickness is in actually in my head. What if I didn't find out that I was pregnant? Would I be this aware of each feeding schedule my body demands before I throw up? Would I hate the taste of all food but chicken? Would I notice all the little twinges that my body makes? Would I actually pee as much as I do?

I never did tell you how I realized I was pregnant. Or maybe I did, I can't remember so I’ll tell you again...

An app told me.

Ha! I know right? I downloaded an ovulation app in December because I figured hey why not maybe this would help me get pregnant since nothing else has.

It had an alarm on it to tell me what days I should be ovulating based on my period since all the marina drama I had it helped me remember when I should have had my period.
Well right before Cody and I went to bed one night the alarm went off and said “your ovulating!” Surprised I told Cody “hey my phone thinks I should be ovulating but I haven't had my period yet. Ha! I bet I am pregnant.” He just rolled his eyes.

But then I did the hurry randomly check the app and then check my phone for when I actually did have my period last month and then I checked my blog because I wrote about it and I sat there thinking Omg I bet I am.Then I thought back to how I haven't been sleeping too well because I have been waking up to pee and then I realized how I noticed smells more… it could be… I might be… oh my gosh am I pregnant?

I took Cody to work the next day and hurried to the store to purchase a test. Now I kept saying in my head “oh no it will be just like the others, where I swore I was and then it says nope bitch you ain't pregnant get over yourself.” But it wasn't. And here I am almost 9 weeks hating every minute of this first trimester and still waiting for my first appointment. (Which is Wednesday thank god) and dreaming that it is twins or maybe hoping it is so then I'd have a reason for all this morning/ all day sickness.

My god I still have 7 months too go! and I am not sure I’ll make it plus I'm pissed that I am complaining because damn, this is exactly what I wanted for months (well years) and all I can think about is how I am up at 5am because I had to pee and now since I am up, you might as well bring on the throw up because this baby hates me.

:::Written early in the morning on my iPhone as I tried hard not to vomit on Cody's sleeping head, jerk:::

Tweet

Note to self: Don't Google while pregnant.

---

---

If you didn't know from my Facebook posts and my Instagrams I have been in some extreme morning/all day sickness and this is the first day that I have actually not been to the point of needed to be by the toilet all day. I so far have yet to throw up. (even though I have had the nausea all day.)

I have tried everything from eating every two hours, to snacking all day, to only eating banana creamys, to drinking a ton of water, to well just allowing my self to just throw up. It is so bad that I have nausea all day long even after I throw up and then when I do, I throw up so hard that I peed my pants.  Yes, I have peed my pants.

And now I am starting to think that it might be because I have 2 kids in there instead of one. I swear with Wyatt I threw up but it wasn't anything like this and I am literally freaking my self out. I have googled “symptoms of twin pregnancy.” and well there is a lot out there to freak the freak out of you.

What if I was prego with twins? I mean that would be cool but also I think I would shiz my self if I was.

What the hell would I do with 2 babies? Cody would most likely leave me (okay he wouldn't but my god he would be in some extreme state of mind.) and I would not be able to work. at least not for a few years… I just don't know. It would be super crazy.

My first doctor appointment is Feb.6 so I have to hang on until then but for now I need to stop Googling because it can be a dangerous tool to pregnant women.

Tweet

Just in case you haven't heard.

---

---

Yesterday I announced via instagram and Facebook that my EGGO IS PREGO!

(WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!)

I know that test is light and I know that I am at the super early stage and some people don't normally share the news at this point. but I am not one to not be an over sharer. Plus I took 3 tests at different times and one again this morning that the second line grew darker.

According to the internet and my guess at when my last period was I believe I am at least 5-6 weeks along which is still to early to go to the doctor since they like to see you at 8 weeks. My non-doctor, internet given due date would be in September maybe the 7th-ish.

I am okay with the fact that I am sharing this now because I knew instantly that I was with Wyatt and I shared the same news at this early stage too and I have him. Plus I am already starting to feel the sickness and the urge to pee in the middle of the night.

Like last night, I woke up at 3am pee a lot and couldn't go back to sleep because of the nausea. This morning, still nausea but no throwing up yet.

With Wyatt I threw up each time I ate and never cried. This time so far it is the opposite. I cry at everything and haven't thrown up yet.  So maybe its a girl?

That would be crazy but it wouldn't that be fun, different and super scary? eeee…

What do you think it is?

Tweet

My plan on Happy.

I sex it up last night. I just did it and then I cried. Okay, I cried a little during the whole act and my husband was a little concerned. Why are you so sad he asked? I didn’t have an answer for him last night but today I think I do.

I had a wonderful day yesterday. I got of work early, spent the day with my family, went on a shopping spree and then out to eat. I had great conversations with the husband and a ton of little kisses from my little man. So why did I cry at the end of it all?

I think it was my body finally relieved and all I could do was cry. The tears were hopefully the last of all this drama I have been putting on myself. I am going to start thinking happy to be happy. So Today my plan for happy is:

1. Take a shower and get completely ready put the make up and wear actual jeans all day and put those pjs away.
2. Actually get up and do something on my day off. By god, its Friday and I have the day off! What? That hasn’t happen in forever!
3. Clean my house. Like scrub the toilets clean, do the dishes and my god, I might fold and put away the laundry.
4. Blog (wait I just did. Check that off the list. bam!)
5. Invite friends over for a home made dinner and a movie in my nice clean house.

Just writing that all down makes me feel happy. What are your plans for today? Oh, I also need to book a hotel in Vegas and convince my Boss to let me have a weekend off. I like this happy plan already.

Tweet

Just imagine what Cody is going through.

I don't seem to know how to have sex anymore. This whole IUD removal junk screwed me up. Royally. My sex drive has been non existed for a month now and I get so mad at my self because I desperately want a baby but I cant seem to get in the mood ever.

I have even gone to the length of shaving my legs (which I rarely do. I know gross but get over it cause Cody's use to it by now. ha! sorry husband.) doing my hair, putting lipstick on and wearing skirts in the winter just to try and get my self in the baby making mood. My poor husband tries hard to be with me and I just don't respond and then I cry because I don't. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know you all might be sick of me talking to you about all this IUD stuff and the baby wishes but I just cant get over it all. I need some spice to wake this body of mine up. Cause at this point not having sex will definitely not make me a baby. But its not just that either. I want that connection with my husband. I want all that comes with having sex I just don't know how to get myself out of this mirena crush.

So mommas if you have any tips to build up my sex drive naturally or any advise I am all ears. I am also going to see a doctor but until then I need something to kick me into high gear because this momma is going crazy and I can just imagine what Cody is going through.

Tweet

Hello New Year

---

---

When December 21 rolled around I was secretly hoping that the world would end. Not end in the since of it not being here anymore but that all the responsibilities would magically disappear. Like the idea of having a job would no longer be required. Where some how the world would reset and living off the land would be more important then living with all the corporate bull shit I deal with at work.

I saw my self finding a little cabin off in the mountains with Wyatt and Cody and we would be there together sitting next to a warm fireplace that was burning because of the hard work we did together gathering the firewood. I saw myself in a kitchen cooking while Wyatt sat on the rug placed on the the woodened floors playing with blocks as Cody sat in his recliner reading because that was all that we could do to entertain ourselves.

And when December 22 came. I was disappointed.  Disappointed, that I would still have to report to work that day. That I would leave my home where my child was and where the husband was sleeping to go to place that matter nothing to me.

A place that required me to put on a happy face and push paperwork and input data that meant nothing outside of my office walls and all the while it took me away from my happy. My family, my child, my art, my photography, my soul.

So this year, I am going to find my happy again.

My goals are to find away to not work but still be able to take care of my family. I want to write more, draw and maybe start painting again. I want to rediscover the joy of photography with my big girl camera. I want to take trips with friends. I want to discover places I have never seen locally and non locally. I want to hold a squishy baby that is mine, I want to see how Wyatt would be as a big brother and I want to cuddle with my husband more.

I am determined to find my happy again and I think it starts with quitting my job.

Tweet

3 minutes of waiting and hoping

My Husband doesn't share the same heartbreak that I do when it comes down to me not being pregnant yet. He laughs and makes some stupid comment while rolling his eyes. But I have pretty much cried all day about it.

Mainly because I really thought I was.

I knew instantly when I got pregnant with Wyatt. Literally, I went to bed that night had a very vivid dream about him. My mom was holding him and another brown haired baby in her lap and when I walked up to her she handed me a blonde hair 3 or 4 month old and said “Here Audrey, take your son.” I woke up and knew that I would be having a boy. Never doubt it.

(For a while I thought I was going to have twins because of the other baby my mom was holding but it turns out that it was my brothers son who is a few weeks older than Wyatt.)

Well for the passed couple of days I have being having dreams about 2 babies. One boy, one I am pretty sure is a girl but I cant quite tell yet. They are in a crib that's in Cody and I’s bed room they are crying. I hear them while I am laying in our bed and I get up and start to walk toward the crib but by the time I finally get to them I wake up.

Not only am I having dreams now, I also am having some symptoms. Like I have being tired a lot. Not just because I have been working crazy hours but like I cant grasp what is on my mind, I am forgetful and cant focus until I take a nap. I also having been eating in the morning more and craving breakfast all day. crying all the time and still no period but what I thought sealed the deal was how tender my boobs have been.

I feel like they have grown a whole cup size in the last couple of days and it hurts to wear a bra but even more so when I take it off. I cant brush by them with out it hurting.

Right, I have some symptoms. or I am just crazy?

So I finally decided that I was going to take another test. I even got one that clearly states pregnant or not pregnant just in case.

Well… 3 minutes of waiting and hoping

I was deny once again.

It was a big not pregnant

and I cried by self on the toilet.

I know I know, it could be too early to tell by those test and I know that with out really knowing when I am actually suppose to have a period that it could cause it to not show either. So I am going to wait a few more days or 3 as the insert in the test states and try again. And if it still shows that I am not pregnant I think I am going to make an appointment with the doctor to either see if 1. I am or 2. why I am not yet and why I haven't had a period yet either.

Ugh.

Why cant my baby come already?

Tweet

I sleep with the TV on.

Its 4:30 in the morning and I have heart burn. Which as led me to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep. I have gotten out of bed about ten times now to get a glass of water. I manage to stumble through the dark to get to the kitchen with kipper the dog following each of my steps and as I return to my room. I question why I don’t just bring the glass of water with me so I don’t have to find my self in the kitchen again.

I have had a lot on my mind lately so I sleep with the TV on to drown out the thoughts late a night. I guess it didn’t work tonight.

I am again grasping the idea of staying home more. I even told Cody that I want to do it after the seasonal season is done. I have started to picture what it will be like to stay home again. I even stare at my office wall and think how great it will be to just worry about the laundry and then I panic.

I started to think about revamping my photography business if I stay home. I get so pissed when I see other succeed at it because I know that I am that good if not better than them. I started to have the talks with Cody again about how I could accomplish it and what I would do differently. Which surprisingly enough he agrees with it and that makes me panic more.

I am still struggling with the not being pregnant thing. I see every one else’s baby bumps and I am pissed I don’t have one yet. I know its only being about two months and I know that I shouldn’t feel the way I do but I just cant help it.

Like yesterday, I about practically ran to the bathroom at work because I felt like a started my period and I was going to freak out if I did. I didn’t, but I still don’t feel pregnant and I am still not sure when I actually am suppose to have my period because I haven't had one for like 5 years and I cant remember if it was at the beginning of the month, the middle or the end. All I know is that I am not pregnant.

Tonight, when Cody and I were talking in the car Wyatt told us that if he has a sister that he is not going to share anything with her because she is suppose to be a brother. He doesn’t like sisters. Which made me laugh because if I have a girl I am not sure how he is going to react.

Oh, and can I say how much more pressure I now have to get pregnant because of Wyatt. He talks about it all the time with me.

Sunday, was my birthday if you didn’t know, but it didn’t feel like it. This is the first year in my entire life that I could say that if I didn’t have the celebrations I did have that I would have not recognized that it was my birthday and that made me feel old. The magic was gone this year. Does that happen to you? Maybe I am being overly dramatic about it but I still feel like I even have a birthday this year.

I am not quite sure where I am going with this post and I guess I will end on the note that I again have to go back to the kitchen to get my glass of water I left there and hopefully I can fall back asleep before the rest of the house wakes up which I bet wont happen.

Ps I remove the Disqus comments app from my blog. So now you can actually comment on here.

Tweet

Don't be a party-pooper.

via
People! I am going to be twenty seven on Sunday. TWENTY SEVEN!! OMG! All I can think about is how I am almost 30. That's so crazy, I literally feel like I am just turning 18 moving out on my own, dating the man I am going to marry, and just starting college.  Now, I am a married home owner with a 4 year old hoping to get pregnant and debating on staying home and being a full time mamma who has never used her college degree. Crazy. Just crazy. 
 Isn't it strange how life turns out completely different from what you thought it would be like as a kid.  I was going to be an actress, living in New York, either struggling to become famous or happy to be doing nothing be my art. 
Man, how wrong was I? Hahaaa... 
Any-who, tonight Cody and our friends will be heading to SLC to properly celebrate my birthday and I can not wait. It is so needed because this whole Holiday retail season at work is slowly killing me. If I have to hold one more orientation and explain the attendance policy again I might just fall over in die.  Really I just might.
PS, isn't that video cute? that is exactly how I am going to be celebrating this year. Loud music and maybe some rule breaking... awesome.
Tweet

Am I choosing an office over my kid?

---

---

---

---

I have been having the same argument in my mind for a few weeks now and each day I change my opinion because it all comes back to the way I see myself.

Currently I see myself as a very respectable professional person who enjoys her job (most days) and is succeeding at it. I also see myself as an amazing mother who would do anything for her child and a wife who would love to be there more for my family.

I cant seem to find that balance between the two. When I am at home, I wish that I was at home more and I fill my mind with the possibility of doing just that. I then tend to think about how I could blog more, coupon, make home made meals, clean and have that time to spend teaching my kids. We’d fill the house with craft projects and dance parties.

When I am at work, I think about how much better I could be there. My office fills up with paperwork needing to be organized, problems to be solved, I laugh with my co-workers and have the since of control of being one of the bosses that I couldn’t see me doing anything else at work.

So then it leaves me with the same stupid argument. Where am I needed more? Where is my time suppose to be? At home where I am there 100% dealing with the every day needs of the family. Or am I suppose to be at work bringing in the extra cash to help provide for the time I could have with Wyatt? Am I being selfish because I like my time work?

What is a stay at home mom? Why is that better then a working one? and why cant I figure out what is best? And why does it have to be where I feel like I have to choose?

I then have a conversation with Cody and he tells me to work part time, just weekends and be here during the week. I then think, oh how great an idea that would be!! I could have both. Then, I go to work and sit in my office and think… I couldn’t go back to just a regular associate. Then I feel like shit because I am choosing myself before my family. I am choosing an office over my kid or am I?

I think, I am scared to loose the since of who I am. I am scared to take that step of being home. Being that label of a home maker. I am scared that I would regret it and that I would have to start over professionally.

I am scared that if I step down at work that I am also giving my control away. I would have to rely on Cody more. I would have to give the control to him finically. I am scared that I would be giving up my happiness or am I?

Are you a stay at home mom?  A part time working mom? A full time working mom? Why are you? Why is one better than the other? or is it? or how do you deal with the balance between the two? and what do you think I should do?

Tweet