I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Cody and I got in a fight this week. One of those you say things that you regret fights. Where the yelling out ways the talking and the tears run hot on your face. I am unsure really what it was all about. It seem to consist of everything that bothered us about each other over the last few months which boiled up quickly and hit the fan hard.

A few truths did come out which made him think and which also made me think. One thing he said that rang true for me was that I am always negative. Once he said that I stopped and really thought about that.

Am I? Really? Do I tend to lean to the bad things? Have I lately? And to be completely truthful I have.

At work I am negative.

At home I am negative.

In my car I am negative.

When speaking with friends I am negative.

When speaking with family I am negative.

It has become a full time thing for me.

I rarely have positive things to say about co workers, about my friends, about my family, about anything really.

Why is that?

I know that I have good intentions. I know that I wish to spend my days in bright happy moments and that I long for them but cant seem to get there.

I could blame the pregnancy and say that I am full of hormones that make me go crazy. But then why was I this way before the kid was kicking the shiz out of my belly?

I could say that my IUD was making me crazy (which I think it was.) but really its mind over matter right?

I have come a costumed to being negative. I share only negative stories and thoughts. I demand that people be on the same level as me so I can relish in their own negative thoughts. I can relate to people who talk the same way as I do. I will get bored and tend to be bothered by you if you are happy or talk positive. I tend to do the pshhh yeah right face and push you off as being fake and will get annoyed quickly by your positivity.

So how do you get your positivity back? Well I did the whole “lets search Google and find out how thing” and I read this...

“Being a positive thinker is not about ignoring reality in favor of aspirational thoughts. It is more about taking a proactive approach to your life. Instead of feeling hopeless or overwhelmed, positive thinking allows you to tackle life's challenges by looking for effective ways to resolve conflict and come up with creative solutions to problems.”

So how do you do that? How do you become a positive thinker?

Well I think it all comes down to a choice. Am I going to be negative about this or can I choose to find the positive? The more times I choose to be positive the more likely I will be just that, positive. And knowing that my attitude effects the people and actions around me needs to matter more than it has. The more I am negative the more negative things will surround me. But can you image how it will be if I choose to be have positive things around me? It would be amazing.

I am going to choose to be positive today. Are you?

Tweet

Hello, and welcome!

Hi I am Audrey, I am a crazy loud fun loving full time working momma who tends to overshare. I will be married 6 years this June to my totally opposite from me husband named Cody. He is super quiet, shy and hates to be around more then 2 people at time and suffers from manic depressant anxiety disorder.

We have a 4 year old little boy named Wyatt who is our whole world. He is like his daddy in the quiet department but I am slowly putting my wild into him. I am currently pregnant with our 2nd child who I just found out is a BOY (which I am still convinced my doctor is wrong and that it really is a girl.)

 

I started this blog in 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with Wyatt but also when I was dealing with issues from the husband (which thank goodness we got through.) This place can be crazy sometimes where I talk about what ever is mind which sometimes doesn't make since. Then this place can become serious where I talk about my deep honest feelings. I tend to be too truthful for some people.

I also love photography. I share tutorials and tips as much as I can but lately I have been instagramming which as left my big girl camera a little dusty. (click the pictures for the tutorials.)

Thanks for stopping by I hope you hang out for a bit. I appreciate all my readers please take a moment and leave me a link to your blog in the comments so I can stop by and say hi and get to know more about you!

You can also find me here… Facebook, twitter, and instagram.

{linking up with the Ultimate Blogger Party}

Tweet

My husband has turned into a sports fanatic.

I am current sitting in my living room listening to the Utah Jazz basketball game on the loudest volume ever as my husband is taunting me and acting like a freaking little kid that he is… “ha ha, I'm watching the Jazz game and you cant do anything about it! na na na na boo boo!”

OH, you want to know what I am going to do about it?! DO YOU?! I am going to punch you in your freaking face and then maybe stab you in your eye and than laugh at your stupid eyeless face! Thats what IM GOING TO DO!!!

God, I hate sports okay I don’t “hate” sports but I hate watching sports on TV. I can go to a game and have the best time ever because I get to be in the crowd chanting, taunting and eating as much concision food I can but watching it on TV sucks. Especially the whole screaming at the TV like they are going to hear you. Yeah, that sucks cause its dumb.

Now don’t get me wrong my husband has always watched sports but now he watches it like everyday which is annoying and its not only basketball. Its Soccer, Football, Baseball and some random ones too. Plus friends come over and talk sports and watch sports with the husband and they now even play Xbox sports games. What the hell man. ugh. What the hell.

Oh, and on a side note we just bought REAL Salt Lake Season tickets so that should be fun… I think it’s really just a plot to get me to like sports.

Sigh, We’ll see, we’ll see.

Tweet

We love each other a littler harder.

---

---

Last night I had a dream that Cody and I got a divorce. It was a dramatic dream fight with tears, screaming, lies while leaving me with a shatter heart as Cody walked out of my life for good. The dream ended with me curled up in the fetal position crying until tears no longer came.

I woke up, and immediately woke Cody up wanting to confirm that he didn’t want to divorce me. He rubbed his eyes too tried to understand my blabbering and just looked at me like why the hell did you wake me up for this, then laughed and said “I might now, that you woke me up to ask me that.” then turned over and fell back asleep leaving me to reply my dream over in my head.

The other night Cody and I had a fight which lead to a break down for me. I sobbed uncontrollably in my bed sharing all my thoughts and feelings that I had held in for years. Things that I knew if I ever said would cause things between us to be worse or at least I thought it would.

As some of you know, Cody has emotional issues which causes me to put his feelings first in everything I do because there is the silent fear of him killing him self. This was known to me when I enter in the relationship and has been the white elephant in our relationship for as long as we’ve been in it. But it finally came to a boil for me.

After the fight I went into our room laid on our bed and sobbed. Cody then came in to see me and there was no stopping it. I cried out everything I felt. I told him how his depression effects me, I told him about my fear of him killing himself, I told him about how I question why I choose him instead of someone who is happy. I told him about how I hate that he never cares for my feelings and I told him how everything is always about him and what will effect him, I told him my fear of Wyatt having what he has, I told him everything. Every thought I ever had and every feeling I have had in this relationship.

It all over flowed and came out in between the tears, sobs and more tears.The strength I carried for so long finally broke. But then, Cody came closer held me whispered I love you’s and sorry’s and more I love you’s and we held each other all night.

The next morning as we woke. Cody was still there safe, I was there relieved and today we love each other a littler harder.

Tweet

Omg, the devil dogs back…

---

---

I must be Pmsing or I'm just being a bitch (who knows stupid IUD fouls me up.) but god am I one mean ass person lately.  I have been demanding, needy, and cry at nothing all the time and I swear I am craving something but like I know what the hell it is… I just know that I want it NOW!

I cant sleep and when I finally do sleep I am having some weird ass dreams which I’ll never admit too and I am lazier than normal and guess who gets the brunt of it all. Yep, your right the poor husband.

He is still down stairs avoiding me after I threw some hissy fit over well I cant remember but the point is… well there is no point but I guess what I am getting at is that being a girl or a “woman” is hard sometimes and we have feelings and stuff and sometimes we are just mean but not on purpose. Gosh.

Oh, one question before I end this ridiculous post…. how do I convince the husband that its time to have another baby? Any ideas? (and don't use you get to have more sex excuse I've tried that its not working.)

Tweet

Don't you effin roll your eyes at me.

Currently I am listening to some indie music found on a blog that I was reading. As I sit in my warm attic office. Its making my mind drift off in different places. I planned on writing about Wyatt's first time at preschool and how I cried in the car when I left him today. Which he did nothing but be good, just like I taught him, which made me cry harder.

But instead, I am stuck on the how its hard have a conversation with my husband.

I just stomped my way up the stairs to cool off after having some stupid fight with the husband. Do you ever just have those times when you like Oh my hell, cant we just have an adult conversation?! Currently I feel like that right now.

I got off work late. like late, late. Wyatt already dead asleep late because some regional guys are coming to walk our store tomorrow so we had to clean the shiz out of it so I'm tired. All I want to do is sit and not think or do anything.

Cody’s sitting in his chair in front of the TV watching the shows we have recorded on the DVR and he starts to go off in a “certain” tone on how the dish guy is coming tomorrow and we need to have the shows transfer off this for that and we might do this because of that and all I said was I'm concerned if this happens and bam an eye roll. which instantly rubs me the wrong way. It makes me think this…

Okay first of all I am tired, annoyed, pissed already because right when I get in the door you start to “lecture me” on what I need to do when you had all night to do it and secondly why is it that anytime I express my concerns you effin roll your eyes at me. 

So I of course go in for the kill not thinking just reacting to everything he is saying and yell this… Cody, blah, yell, pissy fit, blah yell, annoyed, shaking my head, arms crossed, yell and this… and that and if you could only talk to me like an adult… he says something which I of course ignore and I say something else because I am determined to get the last word in which I did by the way, stomp upstairs while mumbling to my self learn how to have a conversation! 

and I sit stewing. And then I realize… oh my god we just had a fight because he rolled his eyes at me. Whose the one acting like the adult now.

The morel of the story is… marriage is hard people your going to fight Especially when your spouse rolls his eyes at you. over stupid stupid things. The trick is apologizing and admitting when you are wrong or that you hate when your husband rolls his eyes at you and if he didn't do that in the first place you wouldn't have yelled and then maybe have some make up sex.

You know depending on how you feel.

Tweet

an old poem

 

I love the way you look in the morning when you first wake up. The way your eyes slowly open to discover the light, your hair mashed and squished against the pillow.
The way you look towards me in the mirror as I fix my hair and lightly brush my make up on. The way you grudgingly get out of bed and touch my back as you pass me.
The way you thoughtfully say you love me and kiss my forehead. The way you grab the keys to warm up my car.

Image 1 Image 2

The way you sit out in the cold while I finish my morning routeing to keep my seat warm. The way you drop me off at work each morning even when its out of your way.
The way you call me while your busy at work just to let me know that you love me.The way your face lights up as your picking me up from work.
The way you laugh at the stupid nonsense I say as we pull into your driveway. The way you look at me in deep thought as you get out of the car.

Image 1 Image 2

The way you come into your room with a slight smile on your face after you’ve brushed your teeth. The way you sit right next to me on your bed and we talk until our thoughts run dry. The way we head back to my apartment holding hands quietly and I love the way at night just before we slip into a deep sleep you kiss and tell me you love me holding me tight for me to know that no harm will happen to me.

Image 1 Image 2

The way you try to get comfortable on my hard bed just to be next to me when I know you wish to be in yours and the way I know that I will love you always.

And Oh how I love the way you look in the morning when you first wake up.

 

 

Tweet

Best Friends.

***This is reposted due to Wyatt deleting my posts while he was playing on the Ipad. He is too smart for his own good.***

---

---

Cody and I have very few friends that we spend time with. Not because we lack them but because we choose to spend our time with those of them who mean a lot to us. Who are there for us no matter what.

---

---

The day after the fourth of July we did just that. We spent time lighting off fireworks with our very good friends Johnny and Brooke. Johnny and Brooke are very important to us. So important that if anything ever happened to Cody and I they would be the ones we would want to raise Wyatt and any more babies that come along.

---

---

We think of these guys as the friends we will have when we are old grey, sitting on the porch watching our grown children's children play with each other. These are the friends that are called Uncle Johnny and Aunt Brooke by Wyatt.

---

---

These are the friends that we would drop anything for, do anything for, move to be closer too, be shattered if anything happened to them.

---

---

These are our best friends.

Best friends for life.

---

---

And tonight Cody and I just want to thank them and make sure they know how important they mean to us.

We love you guys and thanks for letting us light off loud crazy fireworks at your house!

(Ps. this is just to get you to help us move. hahahaaaa… j/k or am I?)

Tweet

Has it been 5 years already?

People, PEOPLE! 5 years ago today I married that man up there. Married the shiz out of him and boy has it been worth it! He is my best friend and I am still totally in love with him! He is pretty amazing.  I seriously would not change it for the world.

Plans for today… uh. I don't know maybe a movie some dinner... Pshh who knows. We will just be with each other that's all that matters anyway.

Happy Anniversary babe! I LOVE YOU!

Tweet

Surgery & cinnamon rolls

---

---

If you don't follow me on Twitter/Facebook or Instagram then you don't know that I went into surgery late Friday night for my appendix and I want to thank my family for all the support especially my sister Rachel and my dad who spent the long hours in the ER with me and even took the time to strongly make clear about how important it was for the ER staff to help me.

I also want to thank my sweet husband who has been very supportive especially after the surgery when we came to find out that I was allergic to the anesthesia. It took me hours to get out of the recovery room due to me not being able to breath properly and when he stayed with me during the night when again I couldn't breath. He is my rock and I love him dearly for it.

And on this father day I want to take a moment to say to my husband this…

Honey, I love you more and more each day and the way I see you with our son makes me so happy more then you will ever know. You are an amazing father and an extraordinaire husband and I am glad that both Wyatt and I can say that you are ours.

Happy Fathers day.

I love you and we love you. Always forever and forever always.

Ps, Enjoy you fathers day cinnamon rolls.

Tweet

Ok not “kill, kill” But…

Right now, I could seriously kill my animals, husband and child. Ok not “kill, kill”… but threaten to take a week vacation with out them. Some place preferably on the beach, with a nice cold drink in my hand. Music playing and a lot of internet searching with a ton of blog reading. Awe…. that would be the life.

::pause just for a moment and breath in that beach air that I am soo day dreaming about at this very moment, I might just get in my car and drive the whole 18+ hours to Cali so I can sit on the beach. serious I just might::

Its currently tomorrow, even though its still today and with that I mean, it is early in the morning. The house is officially asleep and I have that “free time” that us all moms beg for. But its at the cost of staying up way too late, waking up to the next day with barely any sleep, which then in turns makes me grumpy and literally pissed off at everything.

Wyatt, has been a heck of a toddler lately. He is officially “talking back” to me and trying to shove his opinions down my throat like he has some type of mind or something. “No, mommy we need to do this.” “mommy what i am saying is this..” “I asked you so many times to do this for me mom” “Mom. no. this. that.” –OMG, I want to literally pull my hair out from my head and tie it in a rope and hang my self with it. Seriously, I do. okay not seriously but OMG, come on child.

Then you got the whole husband who is just well, acting like the “nice guy” and making me the “mean mom.” which makes me want to shoot him. and… AND, he is totally slacking on his chore, which is laundry. So I have been wearing dirty clothes because I REFUSE to do it. refuse. So much so, that he actually did it today (because I kept saying over and over how dirty Wyatt's clothes where.) but it is currently balled up in the laundry basket unfolded, which will sit there until:

1. I fold it.

2. Nag him to death and make him do it. which will then make us fight.

neither are good choices.

Plus, we got this new puppy (omg, he is sooo cute.) Which some how turned into a mammas boy, who follows me around everywhere and is always at my feet. That then makes the husband claim that he is just mine so he doesn't have to take care of him. Which makes me want to punch myself in the eye. Because for Christ sake, take him out side to pee for once!

Then you got our cats, who hate our new dog so all they do is hiss and chase each other.Which they only do it at night, which is a perfect time to wake up Wyatt and the rest of our neighbours because that's such a great idea! 

Oh, its been thrilling. [don't even get me started on work. It’s been sucking lately.]

Man. I need a vacation.

 

 

 

---

Ps. sorry about not hosting Texture Thursday this week. I spaced it. Plus we have had funeral overload this week (all on Cody's side.) Next week it will be up. Sorry.

---

Tweet