Today is the day people.

It is, it is the day I start my nesting adventure. My mother is coming over. The storage shed that has not been open for a year will be opened to reveal all the things we saved for almost 5 years from when Wyatt was little that we will dig through to make sure that we can actually use them for Gunner. I am sure I will be bringing up baby memories of Wyatt with each little outfit I sort through I feel that I might just cry.

I will be hanging pictures this week, putting a crib up and well I will actually start acting like this new baby will be coming. I will also be figuring out the last details of the little baby shower I am throwing for myself. Well it will be more of a Gunner celebration because I feel like it is only fair that Gunner gets his own celebration of his arrival since Wyatt had one too. Plus, I think it will help Wyatt with the idea of his brothers arrival.

Yesterday on my first day of the I don’t work for a week so lets do nothing but play on Pinterest day I found some prints of inspiration for Gunner’s little cowboyish theme of a room. Here are some links to those prints I will be using.  *click the picture for the source.

 

And can I say that I am beyond excited to get this room together that I actually cried yesterday to my husband because I just realized that I will be have a baby less then 8 weeks. I seriously had a mini panic attack that I would not be ready and that everything that this nursery represents will determine the readiness I will be able to handle with 2 kids. So it must MUST be done by the end of this week because I have no time… or least I think I don’t.

So here’s to hoping that I can get what I need done and here’s to hoping that it will turn out the why I envision.

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“Staycation” or am I just nesting?

Its funny to me how different I am with this pregnancy. I remember that I was completely ready with the nursery and everything we needed or so we thought we needed by 20 weeks with Wyatt and well I am currently heading into 33 weeks with Gunner and have yet to do or buy anything.

Tomorrow is my last day at work before my “staycation” where I have taken off the week to get myself ready for the baby. My mom is coming over to help me sort through all of Wyatt’s old baby clothes to see if they are still good and all of his other baby stuff we’ve saved. I will also be getting the crib out of the storage to make sure that it is still in good shape so we will be able to officially make a nursery for the my little pistol. I am thinking of going with a cowboy theme to fit with his name.

So tonight I will be searching for prints and ideas because I have nothing in mind for him. So if you have any ideas let me know. But I do know that I am officially in the nesting stage because I cant seem to do anything with out cleaning and reorganizing plus I really really have the need to make everything look and feel nice.

I have already turned the playroom upstairs into Wyatt’s new room so that we could move Gunner into his old room so he’d be closer to me and I just got finished going through all of Wyatt clothes that he has now to make room in the closet for all the stuff we will be putting in there for Gunner (since the old playroom doesn’t have a closet.) I have sorted everything that we have in the house to make sure it has a place because I am DONE with the piles that seemed to be piling up with the lack of energy I have had lately.

I am also hoping to have a yard sale on Saturday to get rid of everything that we’ve collected that we never used and put in a closet because I am done with those too.  Needless to say this kid is coming in 50 days and I am in a good rush to get things done and ready for him because I am clearly not but I am so ready to be. I am done with this pregnancy and cant wait to be a mother of two.

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…until I can actually breath and walk with out waddling.

Currently I am work. My door to my office is closed the lights are off and the little fan I stole from someone else's office is blowing full force on me. The lunch I have been snacking on has given me heart burn and my feet are swollen.

I am pregnant. I know that you all know this. But what I am saying is that I am pregnant. Like full on. This kid is so heavy that I cant breath most of the time and my stomach is so hard that when I walk I waddle because if I don’t then I would pee my pants. I am officially in the uncomfortable better get out of my way I might hurt you stage of pregnancy. And it sucks.

Let me share with you something that happened to me randomly yesterday that might help you understand how I feel at this moment. I woke up at 9am after having slept for 9 hours I started breakfast and got Wyatt's ready. After I handed it to him I sat down on the couch to catch my breath and bam 2 hours later woke up from a random nap in a rush to hurry and get ready for work.

How I didn’t know that I was sleeping was crazy and thank god Wyatt is old enough to entertain himself with out setting the house on fire because I bet I would have slept through that too.

Today, the same thing happened only this time it was late in the afternoon and Wyatt said to me “Mom, go lay here I get your blanket you go to sleep because your eyes are so tired looks like they hurts.” I did just that and boy was I out quick. I again woke up in time to get to work.

Now I am at work and all I want to do is sleep. I look at my computer and I think of my bed. I talk with associates and I think of my bed and now that I am closed in my office on lunch ready to take a nap. Sleep seems to not existed. 2 more hours. 2 more hours before I get to lay in my bed with a thousand pillows pushed into my sides to hold this crazy baby still so I can actually sleep. 2 more hours but 55 more days until I can actually breath and walk with out waddling.

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Gunner Jonathan

Little Gunner,

You and I have moments where I am still in disbelief that you are in fact a real little person in my belly. Most days I forget that I am pregnant until I feel a kick from you. Its hard to imagine what life is going to be like with you in it.

To be truthful I am scared to death that you are coming. I am scared that adding you in will be too much of a mix and that it will be something we wish didn't happen. The whole thought of a little teeny tiny baby is a weird concept to me. I know that I have done this before, I get the generally idea of what it will be like to rock you, feed you, change your diaper and cuddle you when you cry. But right now the thought of adding you to my heart is scary and I am unsure how to do that.

I know that once you are here all the questions will be erased and the room in my heart will grow and you will fit nicely in it. But I am going to be scared to death until it does.

You and I spend our nights together awake as I feel you moving and most of the time you catch me off guard and I am totally surprised when I get to actually see my stomach move with the hard firm kick you give. I actually say out loud OH MY GOSH!

You are big now, I am big now. I waddle, have backaches and my feet swell. This pregnancy is so different that I find my self wondering how you are going to be. Are you a mini me? A wild child? A go getter? Are you the missing spice in our life?

Gunner Jonathan, my little gun, pistol, soon to be… you, my boy will be a joy to have regardless of the fears that I am having. I know that you will be welcomed into our home with open arms and your life will be filled with all the love we can give and you, my son you will be ours and we will be yours and life will change for the better with you in it.

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Your a surprise party waiting to burst out.

How do I feel about this second kid who is still growing inside me? I am unsure with how my emotions should be. I know that I am excited to hold him for the first time and put a face to this tiny heart beat that squished up against my belly. That I will get to count his toes on the feet that kick each time he hears his daddy. That I will get another hand to hold, another mouth to kiss, another soul to love.

Your like a secret hidden inside that boggles my mind. Who is this baby, I know nothing about? I knew instantly everything about Wyatt before he was here. I dreamt of him and how he’d look and what he’d be like but you darling boy, are a secret.

Your a surprise party waiting to burst out. You are something I seem to know nothing about. You are shocker, a absolute wonder and I am amazed at how well you keep a secret.

Who is this baby of mine? Are you going to be like you dad or maybe like me or are you something that no one has ever seen before.

I have one hundred and forty forty days to go before I get to meet you, which just seems to long. I don't even have name to call you yet. Most days I feel normal like there is not a another soul inside of me and then you kick, squirm or flip to remind me that you are here and then I sit and ponder you. The secret boy with no name.

I imagine dark hair softly placed on your head and tiny toes and little fingers and little ears and just you little. I imagine what your cry will be like and how you will fit in my arms and how different it will be to actually hold something so tiny again. I imagine the way you will look at me, with big brown eyes and then I imagine you different. Maybe you'll be blonde like Wyatt and have the same eyes has him or maybe you will have red hair. Will you be bigger than he was? Will you cry be new to me? Will I instantly fall for you like I fell for Wyatt?

Oh little baby, who is such a secret I cant wait to meet you. Where all my questions will be answered and I will sit in disbelief and be completed astounded at who you are.

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Hello, and welcome!

Hi I am Audrey, I am a crazy loud fun loving full time working momma who tends to overshare. I will be married 6 years this June to my totally opposite from me husband named Cody. He is super quiet, shy and hates to be around more then 2 people at time and suffers from manic depressant anxiety disorder.

We have a 4 year old little boy named Wyatt who is our whole world. He is like his daddy in the quiet department but I am slowly putting my wild into him. I am currently pregnant with our 2nd child who I just found out is a BOY (which I am still convinced my doctor is wrong and that it really is a girl.)

 

I started this blog in 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with Wyatt but also when I was dealing with issues from the husband (which thank goodness we got through.) This place can be crazy sometimes where I talk about what ever is mind which sometimes doesn't make since. Then this place can become serious where I talk about my deep honest feelings. I tend to be too truthful for some people.

I also love photography. I share tutorials and tips as much as I can but lately I have been instagramming which as left my big girl camera a little dusty. (click the pictures for the tutorials.)

Thanks for stopping by I hope you hang out for a bit. I appreciate all my readers please take a moment and leave me a link to your blog in the comments so I can stop by and say hi and get to know more about you!

You can also find me here… Facebook, twitter, and instagram.

{linking up with the Ultimate Blogger Party}

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I fear that it is a girl.

I forget I am pregnant until I wake up in the middle of the night to either pee or throw up. This first trimester has about killed me. I do not remember being so fatigued when I was pregnant with Wyatt and I never was nauseous. Ever. I mean don't get me wrong I did throw up but then I’d move on continue to eat what I was eating like it was no big deal but I with this one, I am both. To the extreme. I keep saying I cant wait until the next trimester it will be much better… please god be better then.

My nausea is so bad that I can not stay up past 9pm or I will hurl for a good hour or so. I have not really spent time with my husband because of this and when I close at work it is a miracle that I even make it out of the building with out doubling over. Since I go to bed so early I wake up early just to throw up. Its fantastic!

I have tried everything from the eating crackers, to ginger, to meds from the doctor nothing helps. This kid wants it to be known that it is here and its gonna be an attention thriven, look at me kinda kid. I mean I literally already feel this kid moving and swimming around and I am only 12 weeks.

I believe that this kid is going to have my personality and I fear that it is a girl. Not because I don't want a girl but because I know how I was as a teenager and if this kid is anything like me I got a run for my money.

I know that I have shared on instagram and Facebook how sick I am and I am now doing it here. But I do want you all to know that I am so happy that I am pregnant and that I can not wait to be a mother again and that if I could go back, I would sooo take on the nausea and fatigue (complaining the whole time probably, but still.) like it was nobody's business again. And when this child comes I will be over the moon and back but to those mothers who have 5, 6 kids my god, how in the hell did you do it? I am grateful that this could be my last pregnancy and at this point I do not see how I could go threw another one. Seriously, how’d ya do it?

Tomorrow I get to go to my next appointment (which marks it about a month since I last blogged. oh my hell are you even still here? hello!!! readers?) and I am super excited to see the baby again and to possible learn (hopefully) if its a girl or boy. I learned about this time around with Wyatt but I betting that this kid will make me wait. Either way, I get to see and hear it again and that will make all this throwing up worth it. (right?)

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He slowly breathed me in as I did too him.

Last night I got off work pretty late and when I walked in the door I saw Cody in Wyatt’s room holding him while he sobbed uncontrollably. As I hurried in he run over to me and held on to me tight. Rushed, I asked why he was crying he said “Because I missed you mommy because I just missed you.”

My heart melted. I held him and rocked him like I did when he was just a tiny baby. I placed my head onto his and listened as his cries soften and he slowly breathed me in as I did too him. He ended up falling asleep in my arms while I whispered the old lullabies I’d sing to him when he was younger.

All the while, I thought I better not die. I just better not die. A morbid thought, yes but a valid fear I gained yesterday. I saw in the brief moment how it would be like if it was Cody was to run the household and how it would take him hours to calm Wyatt where as for me it would take just brief seconds.

I am needed to much and I just cant afford to ever die. Ever.

Today as I got up and ready for my first appointment with this pregnancy I kept thinking that I will now have to live forever and how will I be able to manage that? How am I always going to be here for two instead of just one. Another valid fear I gained.

I get to the appointment and I get to finally see my baby. That little devil who’s be making me sick. Once the moment came to hear the heart beat all I thought was to make sure Wyatt could hear it so he could be amazed that there is this little teeny tiny baby who I get to give life too.

I get to be a mother yet again. I get to be the protector, the hugger, the kiss giver, the owie go away maker, the story teller, I get to be a mother. Not to just one soul but to two. How amazing is that?

It amazes me how much love can be stretched. How much more can be gained. I am already in love with this tiny heart beating little baby but even more in love with my little Wyatt who will always be the one who made me the mother I am and how excited our we that this little baby gets to benefit from that.

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A time to write.

I have spent all morning/afternoon unpacking the last of our boxes and I just cant take it anymore. I am currently hiding in Wyatt's room. It’s the coldest room in the house. The lights are out as the sun is peaking in through the blinds and I slow my breathing while I listen intensely to the soft music playing on my iPhone.

I just got done doing the mom “PICK UP YOUR ROOM” voice and realized that it was time to put my self in a time out. It seems lately I am only capable of writing when I have been completely pushed to my edge emotionally. I don’t know how to write when I am happy anymore.

Don’t get me wrong I am happy. Like yesterday, I was happy watching as Cody tickled and goof of with Wyatt. I was happy as Cody, Wyatt and I snuggled under a blanket as we watch late in the night, our baseball time win.

But I seem to just live those moments and take a special note of them in my mind but never write it down. I want to, I do. I normally sit and stare at this blank screen and try to picture the words to describe those moments but after a few minutes trying I give up and turn off the computer.

This little piece of my internet as seen better days and I am sorry if every time you come here I throw in your face the deep dark side of me. Its not what I intend.

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I caught my self smiling a lot this morning after I found Wyatt’s baby box. It was hiding under everything and almost lost to the garage before I notice it.

It hasn’t been open since he was a few months old. I found my self touch, smelling, each little outfit as I measured it against my arm. I dug deep in to find his little toes inked on the hospital papers and I ran my fingers over them. How is it that he was so small?

I found a little book filled with the small moments I quickly jotted down of what it was like when he was just a few days old as I read them I found my self surrounded in those memories. I picture back to when he was born and how we were so surprise to see his blonde hair. I laughed at how Cody was so happy to be the first person to change his diaper and I remember those quite moments Wyatt and I had as I rocked him to sleep singing the lullaby's I made up.

Man, how its changed. It amazes me how much more in love with Wyatt I am. I don’t notice as much as I did then I think its because he is growing just to darn fast. He now has his own ideas and opinions which he never hesitates to tell me and if I didn’t know any better I‘d think he was already a teenager.

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Omg, the devil dogs back…

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I must be Pmsing or I'm just being a bitch (who knows stupid IUD fouls me up.) but god am I one mean ass person lately.  I have been demanding, needy, and cry at nothing all the time and I swear I am craving something but like I know what the hell it is… I just know that I want it NOW!

I cant sleep and when I finally do sleep I am having some weird ass dreams which I’ll never admit too and I am lazier than normal and guess who gets the brunt of it all. Yep, your right the poor husband.

He is still down stairs avoiding me after I threw some hissy fit over well I cant remember but the point is… well there is no point but I guess what I am getting at is that being a girl or a “woman” is hard sometimes and we have feelings and stuff and sometimes we are just mean but not on purpose. Gosh.

Oh, one question before I end this ridiculous post…. how do I convince the husband that its time to have another baby? Any ideas? (and don't use you get to have more sex excuse I've tried that its not working.)

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Hello Schwinn.

I ditched work today. Stayed in my pajamas and I didn't even brush my teeth. I needed my son today. I needed to hear his random stories, his laugh and I begged for more hugs and smothered my self in his kisses. Oh, how I needed my son today.

Wyatt’s getting old enough to understand that I go to work. I go to work a lot. Most days he’ll come up to me and ask “is it me and you day today?” and I hate when I say “no bud, I'm sorry.”  The look in his face is unbearable and it hurts my heart each time.

I needed my son today. I needed to see him, feel him. I needed to be wrap up in his messes and caught in his imagination, his vast imagination plus the dance parties we have are just fabulous.

I also told Cody today that I wanted another baby. That I am ready. I want that squishy face and the warm breath nestled on my neck. I want to stretch my heart out to let in more family.

Cody’s not ready and that hurts my heart too. I feel like I am missing out. That it will never come and then it will be to late. I don't want it to be too late.

I want to grow my family, I want to love more. I want to bring another little soul into this world so I can show them how wonderful it can be. I want to teach another one, I want to experience the “firsts” of another one. I want Wyatt to be the big brother he is.

I want… another one.

 

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