Life Pro Tips Needed...

Back in 2014 I sent a missive to The Czar over at Castle G, looking for guidance prior to my trip to the Sochi Olympics and got excellent advice which proved invaluable, and in one case, kept me from being shipped off to a gulag...
I saw the coquettish batting of fake eyelashes by a waitress in Rosa Khutor as a 'come hither'; Instead it was actually an advanced case of pink eye and a rather sizable stye causing the eyelid flutter.
I realized my mistake after cornering her in the space between the restaurant's outhouse and the offal pile by the river. Moments later I was having a close encounter with a 10" butcher's blade wielded by her boss/uncle accompanied by 2 members of the FSE.
Needless to say, I racked my brain for a plausible explanation when the advice for The Czar come ringing through- I shouted “გთხოვთ, არ მომეცი მწერები!!" Out of the corner of my eye I caught the flash of in incoming nightstick and everything went dark (or rather darker).
I woke up face-down in a landfill just south of Estosadok, bound in several yards of burlap and bailing wire, and a sign reading "სიკვდილი ამერიკული ღორის ძაღლები".

Since things worked out so well in Sochi I thought I would tempt fate and seek guidance again, this time invoking The Czar to assist me with suggestions for Rio de Janerio.

My petition:

O Most Dread and Awful Czar, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Pile, Master of the Steppes, Bringer of Kinetic Military Action, Torturer-in-Chief, Slayer of the Yaw and the Goiter, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Moscow, Chicago and parts of Louisville...

Once again I find myself in need of Pro Life Tips from Your Czarness…

As per usual I have been assigned to work in a place that the mere mention of evokes fear and palpitations in the hearts of travel professionals and dollar signs in the eyes of Personal Executive Protection agents.

Yep- you guessed it. I’m heading to Rio.

Your guidance regarding my sojourn in Sochi was invaluable; Your tip regarding quality horsemeat was spot-on, and I did use “გვამი მდინარეში ერთხელ,” very often, given the construction contractors that received bids and money for projects that were either unfinished (tons of them) or didn’t even exist (arguably even a larger quantity).

Your knowledge was so useful I would once again visit the well of your vast wisdom and know-how and draw upon your knowledge of all things dangerous and deadly.

Word around the campfire is to stay away from: 

Beaches at night

Bars bearing any signage 1) in English, or 2) with the words “Nós Matar Turistas” (“We love tourists” I think...)

Downtown Rio

Northern Rio

Southern Rio

Western Rio

(There is no Eastern Rio. Word has it that is was sold to Uruguay and carted away in a truck years ago.)

Also avoid:

Local cops

City cops

Federal cops

Highway cops

Subway/Metro cops

Anyone with a uniform

Anyone without a uniform

Kids

Grownups

Boys

Girls

Girls that look like boys

Boys that look like girls

Anyone with a pulse

Anyone without a pulse

And finally-

Don’t eat/drink:

Meat

Vegetables

Fish
Dairy products

Eggs

Gluten

Starches
Name brand liquor

Off brand liquor

Homemade liquor

Cachaça

Aguardiente

Water (bottled, tap, bay, beach, bath/shower, ocean and rainfall)

Beer

Coke and other ‘soft’ drinks

And the biggest no-no-

Favelas – Don’t even look at the damned favelas.

As a matter of fact, according to the keeper of my leash, visiting a favela, no matter how well armed and capable I am, or the size of my personal protection detail is a violation that will get me a spot on the next plane out. (That’s my escape plan, by the way.)

Help me, Obi Wan Czarnobi

You’re my only hope.

Uncle Jay


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Things Not To Fuck Around With - A Work In Progress

• Hard drugs. 
•  Unprotected sex. 
• Street racing. 
• Radioactive stuff.
• Electricity and plumbing. 
• Dangerous animals. 
• ISIS. 
• Angry big women. 
• Daddy's girls. 
• Super religious people. 
• Texas (duh).
• Police. 
• Fast food. 
• Vegas
• Hill folk.
• The ozone. 
• Bad shellfish
• Spiders and poisonous snakes.
• Ouija boards and fortune tellers. 
• The IRS.
• Prostitutes.
• The Bank
• Pimps. 
• Moose.
• The Cook.
• Bikers. 
• Wasps
• Gang members.
  
• And Susan at the office. 

Additions to the list are welcome.



TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

The Czar Will Set Your Mind Right...

The Czar reminds you to get pissed about the right things over at the Gormogons:

So if you want to be outraged because ISIS destroyed a beautiful piece of architecture, have at at. But be outraged at everything else, too, and push to do something about it.
Because we can always rebuild a ruin and say “this is what it looked like,” but we can’t undo the murder of thousands.

Fuckin'-A right Johnny.

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Life ProTip: In The Backcountry

Friendly advice*:

Prior to going out on a back country hike out here in Glacier National Park, make sure to slather yourself with Bear Spray...


And be sure to give the kids an extra-heavy dose... wouldn't want anyone to get hurt by the marauding Ursus arctos horribilis.

I know...
Some people just want to watch the world burn.



TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
*This Satire. Do not do this. This is a joke. Srsly.

Good Times -Shanghai Pranking

I haven't had any bonehead user errors yet today, and I haven't had to threaten anyone's life since late Wednesday, so I really don't have anything to put into the ice cream machine.

In lieu of actual current content, I'll be sharing a story of our time in Shanghai 2014 and a little prankage that occurred this year.
(My memory was jogged by a post over at Old NFO's website- Do you read him every day? You should... Tasty stuff!)

We had a noob as an adjunct to our team this year- the nephew of one of the Honchos at the Tournament. Good kid (and I mean kid- 17 or 18 years old).
Honcho asked if we could impart some words of wisdom and life lessons to young James over the course of the event. No worries- we were on it.

So young James was busied with some basic tasks for the event, and did a passable job.


James is on the right- his brother Peter on the left.
As the tournament progressed, young James didn't screw up too badly and we decided perhaps a Snipe Hunt was in order.
(In the days of my Sordid Youth, I was caught not once but twice- I spent the entire day running from one end of the Marathon Airport to the other- in search of 100' of flight line, and another time I spend 3 hours looking for a large bottle of prop wash. I was a dumbass.)

So a plan was formulated - I enlisted the help of several co-conspirators and then CJ whistled up young James...
"Hey- I need the tube of squelch grease. I lent our last tube to Mal up in the control room. Really need it fast..."
And young James was off at top speed- up to the upper level control room to see Mal, who sent him back down to the event level to see Chase, who sent him back up to the upper level to see Alex in scoring, who sent him down to see Ed in the Admin office...then to the press room I think-
Up and down, back and forth...
Poor bastard.
When we finally let him off the hook he was quite a good sport about it...We had a good laugh- and he learned the lesson:
Never trust anyone. Especially the people you trust.

(Unlike some people back in 2013- who took the missing Mercedes S-Class I "borrowed" much too seriously...)

Good times- good times...


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Quotes To Live (or Die) By

To the people that insist on pissing me off...

(And the ones that do it unknowingly too- this does not excuse stupid behavior.)

I'm Always polite. Always respectful. And always making plans to kill everyone within a 50' radius. Just in case.

"There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man." 

"You might call them soft, because they're very reluctant to kill, and they might agree with you, but they're soft the way the ocean is soft, and, well; ask any sea captain how harmless and puny the ocean can be."

"When kind men grow angry, things are about to change."

"When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show."

"Don't ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance, or my kindness for weakness." 

"You're too nice a guy to know so many ways to kill someone..."

"If you have to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because the evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to know you're going to die. So they'll talk. They'll gloat. They'll watch you squirm. They'll put off the moment of murder like another man will put off a good cigar. So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good man will kill you with hardly a word."


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

The Rules (Gibb's, Not Mine)

If you watch NCIS (the original) you have no doubt heard one of more of Gibb's Rules...

After a discussion today with some Aussies who were ignorant regarding such Rules To Live By, I though it might be worthwhile to post the current list of known Rules....

So...

Rule #1: Never let suspects stay together. (Season 1 Episode 1, Mike Franks)
Rule #1: Never screw over your partner. (Season 4, Episode 14, Gibbs)
Rule #2: Always wear gloves at a crime scene. (Season 1, Episode 1, Mike Franks)
Rule #3: Don't believe what you're told. Double check. (Season 1, Episode 1, Mike Franks)
Rule #3: Never be unreachable. (Season 3, Episode 13, Gibbs)
Rule #4: The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person, if you must. There is no third best. (Season 4, Episode 11)
Rule #5: You don't waste good. (Season 8, Episode 22)
Rule #6: Never apologize. (Season 7, Episode 12, but referenced previous times without a number attached)
Rule #7: Always be specific when you lie. (Season 1, Episode 23)
Rule #8: Never take anything for granted. (Season 3, Episode 10)
Rule #9: Never go anywhere without a knife. (Season 1, Episode 13)
Rule #10: Never get personally involved on a case. (Season 7, Episode 21)
Rule #11: When the job is done, walk away. (Season 6, Episode 24)
Rule #12: Never date a coworker. (Season 1, Episode 15, and referenced on other occasions)
Rule #13: Never, ever involve a lawyer. (Season 6, Episode 7; Gibbs is said to have other rules involving lawyers, but according to Tony, this is the "umbrella" one)
Rule #15: Always work as a team. (Season 5, Episode 5)
Rule #16: If someone thinks they have the upper-hand, break it. (Season 8, Episode 24)
Rule #18: It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. (Season 3, Episode 4)
Rule #22: Never, ever bother Gibbs in interrogation. (Season 4, Episode 10)
Rule #23: Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live. (Season 2, Episode 9)
Rule #27: Two ways to follow: First way, they never notice you, Second way, they only notice you. (Season 7, Episode 15)
Rule #35: Always watch the watchers. (Season 8, Episode 22)
Rule #36: If feels like you're being played, you probably are. (Season 9, Episode 1)
Rule #38: Your case, your lead. (Season 6, Episode 16; Season 10, Episode 3)
Rule #39: There is no such thing as coincidence. (Season 7, Episode 21)
Rule #40: If it seems someone is out to get you, they are. (Season 7, Episode 22)
Rule #42: Never accept an apology from someone who just sucker punched you. (Season 9, Episode 16)
Rule #44: First things first. Hide the women and children. (Season 7, Episode 23)
Rule #45: Gibbs remarks, "Left a mess I've got to clean up," which Tony later comments is basically Rule #45 … clean up your own mess. (Season 7, Episode 24)

Here endeth the lesson.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

An Old One, But a Good One...

...especially for these times.

A Message to Garcia

By Elbert Hubbard - 1899

In all this Cuban business there is one man stands out on the horizon of my memory like Mars at perihelion. When war broke out between Spain & the United States, it was very necessary to communicate quickly with the leader of the Insurgents. Garcia was somewhere in the mountain vastness of Cuba- no one knew where. No mail nor telegraph message could reach him. The President must secure his cooperation, and quickly.

What to do!
Some one said to the President, "There’s a fellow by the name of Rowan will find Garcia for you, if anybody can."
Rowan was sent for and given a letter to be delivered to Garcia. How "the fellow by the name of Rowan" took the letter, sealed it up in an oil-skin pouch, strapped it over his heart, in four days landed by night off the coast of Cuba from an open boat, disappeared into the jungle, & in three weeks came out on the other side of the Island, having traversed a hostile country on foot, and delivered his letter to Garcia, are things I have no special desire now to tell in detail.

The point I wish to make is this: McKinley gave Rowan a letter to be delivered to Garcia; Rowan took the letter and did not ask, "Where is he at?" By the Eternal! there is a man whose form should be cast in deathless bronze and the statue placed in every college of the land. It is not book-learning young men need, nor instruction about this and that, but a stiffening of the vertebrae which will cause them to be loyal to a trust, to act promptly, concentrate their energies: do the thing- "Carry a message to Garcia!"

General Garcia is dead now, but there are other Garcias.
No man, who has endeavored to carry out an enterprise where many hands were needed, but has been well nigh appalled at times by the imbecility of the average man- the inability or unwillingness to concentrate on a thing and do it. Slip-shod assistance, foolish inattention, dowdy indifference, & half-hearted work seem the rule; and no man succeeds, unless by hook or crook, or threat, he forces or bribes other men to assist him; or mayhap, God in His goodness performs a miracle, & sends him an Angel of Light for an assistant. You, reader, put this matter to a test: You are sitting now in your office- six clerks are within call.
Summon any one and make this request: "Please look in the encyclopedia and make a brief memorandum for me concerning the life of Correggio".
Will the clerk quietly say, "Yes, sir," and go do the task?
On your life, he will not. He will look at you out of a fishy eye and ask one or more of the following questions:
Who was he?
Which encyclopedia?
Where is the encyclopedia?
Was I hired for that?
Don’t you mean Bismarck?
What’s the matter with Charlie doing it?
Is he dead?
Is there any hurry?
Shan’t I bring you the book and let you look it up yourself?
What do you want to know for?
And I will lay you ten to one that after you have answered the questions, and explained how to find the information, and why you want it, the clerk will go off and get one of the other clerks to help him try to find Garcia- and then come back and tell you there is no such man. Of course I may lose my bet, but according to the Law of Average, I will not.
Now if you are wise you will not bother to explain to your "assistant" that Correggio is indexed under the C’s, not in the K’s, but you will smile sweetly and say, "Never mind," and go look it up yourself.

And this incapacity for independent action, this moral stupidity, this infirmity of the will, this unwillingness to cheerfully catch hold and lift, are the things that put pure Socialism so far into the future. If men will not act for themselves, what will they do when the benefit of their effort is for all? A first-mate with knotted club seems necessary; and the dread of getting "the bounce" Saturday night, holds many a worker to his place.
Advertise for a stenographer, and nine out of ten who apply, can neither spell nor punctuate- and do not think it necessary to.
Can such a one write a letter to Garcia?

"You see that bookkeeper," said the foreman to me in a large factory.
"Yes, what about him?"
"Well he’s a fine accountant, but if I’d send him up town on an errand, he might accomplish the errand all right, and on the other hand, might stop at four saloons on the way, and when he got to Main Street, would forget what he had been sent for."
Can such a man be entrusted to carry a message to Garcia?

We have recently been hearing much maudlin sympathy expressed for the "downtrodden denizen of the sweat-shop" and the "homeless wanderer searching for honest employment," & with it all often go many hard words for the men in power.

Nothing is said about the employer who grows old before his time in a vain attempt to get frowsy ne’er-do-wells to do intelligent work; and his long patient striving with "help" that does nothing but loaf when his back is turned. In every store and factory there is a constant weeding-out process going on. The employer is constantly sending away "help" that have shown their incapacity to further the interests of the business, and others are being taken on. No matter how good times are, this sorting continues, only if times are hard and work is scarce, the sorting is done finer- but out and forever out, the incompetent and unworthy go.
It is the survival of the fittest. Self-interest prompts every employer to keep the best- those who can carry a message to Garcia.

I know one man of really brilliant parts who has not the ability to manage a business of his own, and yet who is absolutely worthless to any one else, because he carries with him constantly the insane suspicion that his employer is oppressing, or intending to oppress him. He cannot give orders; and he will not receive them. Should a message be given him to take to Garcia, his answer would probably be, "Take it yourself."
Tonight this man walks the streets looking for work, the wind whistling through his threadbare coat. No one who knows him dare employ him, for he is a regular fire-brand of discontent. He is impervious to reason, and the only thing that can impress him is the toe of a thick-soled No. 9 boot.

Of course I know that one so morally deformed is no less to be pitied than a physical cripple; but in our pitying, let us drop a tear, too, for the men who are striving to carry on a great enterprise, whose working hours are not limited by the whistle, and whose hair is fast turning white through the struggle to hold in line dowdy indifference, slip-shod imbecility, and the heartless ingratitude, which, but for their enterprise, would be both hungry & homeless.

Have I put the matter too strongly? Possibly I have; but when all the world has gone a-slumming I wish to speak a word of sympathy for the man who succeeds- the man who, against great odds has directed the efforts of others, and having succeeded, finds there’s nothing in it: nothing but bare board and clothes.

I have carried a dinner pail & worked for day’s wages, and I have also been an employer of labor, and I know there is something to be said on both sides. There is no excellence, per se, in poverty; rags are no recommendation; & all employers are not rapacious and high-handed, any more than all poor men are virtuous.

My heart goes out to the man who does his work when the "boss" is away, as well as when he is at home. And the man who, when given a letter for Garcia, quietly take the missive, without asking any idiotic questions, and with no lurking intention of chucking it into the nearest sewer, or of doing aught else but deliver it, never gets "laid off," nor has to go on a strike for higher wages. Civilization is one long anxious search for just such individuals. Anything such a man asks shall be granted; his kind is so rare that no employer can afford to let him go. He is wanted in every city, town and village- in every office, shop, store and factory.
The world cries out for such: he is needed, & needed badly- the man who can carry a message to Garcia.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Them's Some Pretty Fancy Shootin' Irons

Wow.
Take a toy novelty and some blackwash paint and a little creativity-
Et voilà!
How to get shot by one of the Only Ones on a 'man-with-a-gun' callout.

But they look impressive as hell.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

It's Hard To Take Them Seriously

I have been terrorized by soi-disant scientists and experts forever...
I remember the Chicken Littles doomshouting acid rain and the greenhouse effect when I was a kid...
I remember the same oh-so-educated crowd with their knickers in a twist about the Gulf War in 1990... "If we invade, Hussein will blow up all the oil wells and the ensuing oil smoke from burning oil will blackout the entire planet, and it will take DECADES to put them all out!"
We did, they did, and it didn't.

So I really have no confidence in the Big Brains, especially when they claim "The science is settled." about anything...

Why?
Get your Google/Bing/FavSearchEngine on and search the phrase
"Scientists are puzzled" and "Scientists are baffled"...

Because that phrase is used waaaay too often about people that consider themselves (as a community) infallible and are directing the spending of a huge portion of American $$$.

FTMF

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Truer Words Never Spoken

In the waiting area for my flight to Krasnodar there are some scary people queued up for standby seats, and I am seeing the truth to a saying I read on the Intarwebz not too long ago.

"Never compliment a woman on her mustache, no matter how magnificent it is."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Politeness suggests neither course is correct.

TBG

Looking for Answers?

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Signs, signs, everywhere signs...

Robb Allen  the Pantsless One at Sharp as a Marble, sums up my exact feelings about signage dumbassery in a clear and concise post...

Signs do nothing to stop a criminal. The law abiding tend to follow them. What this means is at the very time someone with ill intent enters to do harm, the very people you need to be armed, aren’t. If signs against objects worked, why not simply change them to say “No crime is permitted”. That way, the law abiding can remain within the bounds of your rules while not putting them at the mercy of the criminal?
(emphasis mine- TBG)

Robb always brings Teh Smart... Go. Read. Be Enlightened.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

You Keep Using That Word...

I don't think it means what you think it means.
Friday Conference Call Puzzler
We were on a call discussing a new project phase that in several cities will require extending fiber-optic connectivity from one location to another spot in the facility.
As a rule it would only be a extension of 10 to 30 meters.

Random participant:
"Do we know how many locations need extensions to the fiber?
We could make up some tactical fiber segments in generic lengths and have them available to the install teams."

I missed the next 2 minutes of the call as I was thinking of how a set of  rails, a collapsible stock, a red dot sight and maybe a flash suppressor installed on a 25m coil of six-strand singlemode fiber would make installing our hardware easier...
TBG