I Am NOT The Man With Whom To Fuck

"Hey Big Guy...
tell us something about that latest trip to Shanghai."

Jeebus, where to begin.

Well, this year the cameraman that covered the player walkouts for the broadcaster is a slight Spaniard named Juan.

We usually stand together for about five minutes waiting for the players and the ATP Tournament Managers to arrive, then we walk out for introductions before start of play.

I'm usually there because we transition a semi-public area where high-end sponsors can stand and watch the behind-the-curtain pre-match ritual.
Part of the percs of being a title sponsor at a 1000-series ATP event...
It would be bad for some crazed fan to rush a player to get an autograph/selfie when the players have their war faces on...

So... while we wait, I usually shoot the breeze with CameraDude.
Except this year the usual CameraDude (Skippy) isn't there. Juan is the videojockey.

He is on headset with the Director in the TV Truck...

As we chat,  he gets the thousand-yard stare then he points the camera at my face.

I can tell he is getting some instruction from the director and it doesn't look like good news...
He keeps the camera on me as he relays the conversation.

Juan CameraDude: "uh...From the director I have a message."
Yours Truly: *raised eyebrow stare*
JCD: "He says that you are the big man but he can...-his words- kick your ass."
YT: "(scoff) I'm sure."
JCD: "He is saying this. Not me."
YT: "Players coming. We'll pick this up another time." I give the camera the forked-fingers to the eyes 'I'm watching you' gesture and we walk the players out to the floor.

This exchange escalated daily... Always started by Director via JCD.

JCD: "The Director...I'm sorry, he says to tell you he will be...opening the can of Whip Ass? on you.."
Points camera at me to get reaction.
YT: "Really. Well... tell him his won't be the first snot-nosed TV-dweeb ass I have kicked, but he can be the next."

And things escalated...

JCD: "Director- he wants to know if you are ready for your ass kicking."
YT: "This is getting tiresome... Tell him to bring a sandwich, a cold drink and a band-aid 'cause I'm going to be hungry and thirsty after I'm done whipping his ass."

Later...

JCD: "Director would like to know what kind of flowers your widow would like."
YT: "Tell him when we tangle, I'm gonna knock one of his lungs loose... I'll be on him like rust on a pump handle."

Now in the old days TV trucks were man-territory- very few of the fair sex were in the production vehicles or on the PL circuit. Now, there are women everywhere...And as some of my more colorful and creative comebacks are quite, uh... descriptive, I was a bit apprehensive to really rip into him, but after a little reflection, any woman in a TV truck has probably got some pretty thick skin and has probably heard some pretty bad stuff.

So, by the end of the week I had a great script running through my mind for our final confrontation...

JCD: "Uh, Sir. The Director. He says you are obviously the little girl, and he has won the war with you. He has lost all respect as he can insult you and you will not face him."
YT: "Hm." I address the camera directly- "Hey Director Man- I hope you wore your pretty pink panties today... After I do this walk-out, I'm coming out to the truck and I'm going to bitch-slap you silly, then knee-walk you to the middle of the broadcast compound, bend you over and have my way with you, and I'll sell your ass to any takers for 5 kuai a pop. You're going to fly back to Australia with a size 14 poop-chute and knot on your head so big it's gonna need it's own postal code."
JCD: "*speechless*" then  "In the truck, they are all laughing."
YT: "Laugh it up, ladies. I'm gonna tear into him like a stray dog into a restaurant dumpster." 

We do the final walk-out and I have a cold drink, then head out to TV Land.

TV Trucks aren't made for Ogres to pass through silently and stealthily, so I embrace my entrance.

I fill the doorway on my entrance... The guys on the back bench have a deer-in-the-headlights look.

YT: "Where is that piss-ant motherfucker who needs a mudhole stomped into his ass?"
One of the Back Benchers: "Oh shit... Someone better call 999."

The closest one half-heartedly points toward the front bench.
I stomp past them up to the front.

As I arrive, a long rally is just beginning, so no switching will be needed...

The three guys on the front bench look up and the two on the right point to the guy on the left.

Front Bench Guys: "He's the one who thinks he can kick your ass..."
YT: (*loudly cracks knuckles*) "I've been waiting all week for this... Are you ready, Little Man?"

Director stands up and faces me... I tower over him....
A long moment passes. The truck is deadly silent.
Finally we both break into a laugh and have a firm and hearty handshake and bro hug- 

YT: "Dude! Good to see you... Sorry I couldn't make it our earlier."
Director: "Absolutely... Glad you could make it out. Drinks tonight after we get back to the hotel?"
YT: "Absolutely... See you tonight."

The entire truck is agog.  Their hearts start beating again and are all grinning and breathing a sigh of relief.

The Director (Guy from Gearhouse) and I ran into each other at the hotel on the day before the tournament started and laid the groundwork for this... 

He had been playing it up inside the truck all week.

Most of the guys in the truck were at the bar that night- 

Guy had done a masterful job leading everyone on, and when I went out there they were absolutely certain that I was going to rend him into little Director bits...
We all played it perfectly.

Poor Juan, though...

He had to relay all the messages every day and he was absolutely sure I was going to take my anger out on him...

Not my best prank, as practical jokes go, but probably one of our most successful ones.

No one injured, no property damage, and some good old-fashioned trash talk...

Good times... Good times.

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Aussie Olympic Humor

Great bit, especially is you can decipher the Aussie slang...


"Ooh. Sailing's started."
"I'll call the wife and tell her I'll be late!"

And...

"Is there a big statue of Jesus in Rio? Why don't they show us?!"

TBG - - [Exit - Pursued by a Boomer]

Come Stay in Lovely Media Favela #3!

(Caution- Parody.
No one should infer that the following pictures and descriptions bear any resemblance to the truth or actual conditions. Things are actually really nice and we are having a great time. Seriously.)

Welcome to Rio2016!
We want you to relax and enjoy your stay in Rio as part of the 2016  Games.

We have tried to make you accommodations at our Media Favela #3 as nice as possible with all the comforts of home!


The common area of your room will be suitable for close intimate gathering of friends to enjoy an after-work beverage or an evening of good conversation.


When you retire for the evening, the cool crisp sheets will comfort you as you enjoy a full nights sleep in clean & fresh surroundings. Be careful that you don't oversleep and miss your shift tomorrow!



Out modern plumbing facilities will ensure a clean and sanitary experience for your morning ablutions.


Cutting edge technology will bring you the best electronic experience- great internet connectivity, clear, crisp telephone calls, and a host of TV channels for your entertainment all through our brand-new high-end technical infrastructure.


Meet your neighbors and coworkers from around the world... Make new friends as we all work and play together.


Enjoy a refreshing swim in our lovely swimming pool complex. A nice caipirinha poolside or other beverage will help you unwind after a long day.


If physical activity is more your style, shoot a round of hoops with your co-workers and neighbors.


...Or visit our weight room to have an intense workout and stay in shape.

Please enjoy your stay in Media Favela #3, and be sure to let us know if you need any assistance with your stay... Our lovely and talented admin staff will be happy to help!




TBG - - [Exit- pursued by howler monkey riding a capybara]

WTF Rio? - Sunday Evening Edition

 The Interns that work for a certain major broadcast rightsholder in Rio, supposedly to get 'experience' and 'business connection' for their future endeavors, are always a hoot.
For a good number of them it is their first out-of-USA experience, and often their first relatively unsupervised work experience.
They are funny though- they tend to flock together when left to their own devices- especially early and late in the day... At the commissary, for instance.

I was sitting one table over from a large gaggle of Interns who were have a grand time this afternoon... Basically, it came down to the fact that if you pair almost nationality and almost any noun, it could be the name of a (deviant) sexual act.
The Interns were coming up with some winners like Colombian Earmuffs, the Angola Keyboard, and the dreaded Peruvian Salad Fork...

Give it a try yourself-
To help you out, I'll give you a start... Pick one from column A, and one from column B.

Column A                         Column B

Mexican Coffee Cup Brazilian Fuzebox Lebanese Doorknob Afghan Suitcase English Binoculars Finnish Extension Cord Russian Wheelbarrow Eskimo Cell Phone Latvian Bicycle Spanish Sunglasses Morocco Fountain Pen Greek Christmas Tree Canadian Punch bowl Polish Chainsaw Cuban Earphones French Tape Dispenser Argentinian Bath Towel Egyptian Lawnmower Japanese Vacuum Cleaner Mongolian Dish Strainer

For instance-
"Hey, I gave my old lady the Greek wheelbarrow earlier tonight...
Boy, she's gonna be pissed when she wakes up."

Enjoy-



 TBG - - [Exit, pursued by a Swathmore Womyns studies student]

Brexit? How about Texit?

TBG - [Exit, pursued by Polanball]

This Guy Works At My Local Gun Store...

He's a small-arms dealer...


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Think Before You Speak - Hurt Feelings Edition

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Issues?

No. No issues.
I have a whole SUBSCRIPTION.




TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

That Ought To Hold Them For A While

Delivery time... A new shipment arrives at the Kardashian's house...

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Life ProTip: In The Backcountry

Friendly advice*:

Prior to going out on a back country hike out here in Glacier National Park, make sure to slather yourself with Bear Spray...


And be sure to give the kids an extra-heavy dose... wouldn't want anyone to get hurt by the marauding Ursus arctos horribilis.

I know...
Some people just want to watch the world burn.



TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
*This Satire. Do not do this. This is a joke. Srsly.

Doin' Time on Planet NBA

Welcome to June -
I'm firmly embedded, not unlike the storied Alabama Tick, in SF- doing my part for the Finals.
Sadly, I am City One Johnny- I won't be going to Cleveland.
(Breaking my heart here...)

So-
In celebration of the NBA's year-end hoop-de-doo,
cast your eyes upon this little supercut...

Nothin' but net, baby...

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Public Service Announcement

Everyone- watch your asses.
My Ex-Wife is on the road this morning.

Her car wasn't in it's usual parking spot...


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

TGIF

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Rules - The Follow Up

A few days back I had a post regarding rules that suggested most were due to dire circumstances or mortal lessons...

This is one of those occasions:


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Pop Quiz

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Things I Trust More Than Hillary Clinton

• A wolverine with a ‘pet me’ sign
• A mixed drink served by Bill Cosby
• A straight shave from Jodi Arias
• An elevator ride with Ray Rice
• Browns going to the Super Bowl
• Brian Williams' memory
• Pete Carroll coaching decisions
• Loch Ness monster sightings
• Pinocchio
• The Boy that cried Wolf
• A snapping turtle in a mud bath
• A Nigerian inheritance email
• A pilot alone in the cockpit
• A factory packed parachute
• A test fart in bed with the flu
• Tying Anthony Weiner’s shoes
• Harry Reid’s exercise equipment
• A kiss from Judas
• An Afghan wearing a backpack
• A Dana White apology
• Keeping my healthcare plan
• A North Korean trial
• A BIC pen that won’t leak
• A tuna fish sandwich left on a city bus
• Bill Clinton and an underage girl

H/T to KK for the coffee-snort-inducing email...

TBG

Rumor Control: New Firearm Development

Word around the campfire is that Ruger is working with Democrats and the Obama White House to develop a new firearm...

It will be called The Union Worker

You can't fire it...


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Sunday Funny

I'll take "Marine Mammal Pickup Lines" for $1000, Alex...


HA!

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Sad News

I was fine right up until the service info...
"...At 330, for about 20 minutes."

I blew a snot bubble on that one...


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Joke Time...

Q: Why did the Blonde fail her Calculus exam?



A: She had a Biology test on the same day, and being that she is a Bio major she felt it would be in her best interest to put more emphasis on the Bio test because she was only taking Calc as an advanced elective credit which would not effect her major GPA.


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE