Showing posts with label Parody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parody. Show all posts
How To Survive A Stephen King Book
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| picture credit deviantart.net |
Let’s get this out of the way up front: No one is safe. In a Stephen King book, kids can die – at their own hand. Old people can be wiped out. Even narrators, in the case of Christine, are not immune to injuries that takes them out of action. But, should you suddenly discover your life might be narrated by Stephen King – here’s a helpful survival guide:
1. Avoid classic cars sold by shifty old men.
2. Don’t talk to clowns in sewers; ever. Unless the clown has a balloon and. . . wait, NEVER! Never talk to clowns anywhere. In fact, kill all clowns.
3. Turn down missions that involve going to the dark man’s city during periods of post-apocalyptic plagues. Just say, “no.” NO.
4. Don’t stop for Sheriff’s in the desert after spotting a crucified cat.
5. Resist the urge to dig up your dead loved ones and bury them in a magical Pet Sematary.
6. If you stumble upon a buried spaceship – just cover it back up. You don’t want to know what’s down there that bad. Really.
7. In the case the you find a time portal in a closet – eat the meat, but pass on opportunities to save dead presidents..
8. Don’t answer your cellphone. Don’t play in the mist. Don’t run over Gypsy family members. Don't stay alone through the winter season at old haunted hotels. Don't keep poison meat in your garage fridge. Just. . . DON’T!
9. If the crazy girl with telekinetic powers goes to your school – skip prom.
10. Do NOT. . . I repeat, NOT – chew on toothpicks while holding a monster down in the toilet.
11. If a girl who has the power to set things on fire crosses your path, leave her alone. That seems obvious, right? Yeah. You would leave her alone, right?
12. Don’t buy a home in Castle Rock, Derry or the outlying cities. In fact, avoid Maine. All of it. And Florida. And Colorado. Oh, and if your town ends with the name “Lot,” you need to move. Basically, move to California or Hawaii, bad things don’t happen there.
13. Take your Saint Bernard to the pound. Now.
14. If you discover a Nazi war criminal, it’s probably best to call the police.
15. If you spouse is abusing your kids – yeah, it’s okay to throw them down a well. Go with the narrator on that one.
16. Did I mention, don’t chew toothpicks? I did? But shadow puppets are okay.
17. Ebay your polaroid camera.
18. Slash the tires of all motor homes.
19. Be a writer. The writers always seem to make it out alive.
20. Burn the croquet mallet.
21. Don't have sex with the antichrist. That's important. In fact, just to be safe, don't even snuggle.
22. No matter how much they pay, turn down job offers that involve descending into a subbasement to root out the rats. In fact, kill all rats, and spiders. And avoid subbasements.
23. Turn your library books in on time. Really, I'm helping you.
24. If horns begin growing. . . wait, wrong writer. Sorry. Scratch that one.
24. Keep silver nearby in case you have to destroy a monster.
25. Shoot crows.
. . . If you realize you are NOT in a Stephen King book, but you are actually in a Stephen King movie -- all hope is lost.
It suddenly occurs to me – since this is the world wide web, that I should remind you that you should not really slash motor homes tires. But you really should not chew toothpicks while a monster is in your toilet. Really.
Smile!
What if your favorite villain smiled a little more? That's the idea the folks at saveplans.com ran with.
Cassandra Gold writes, "Have you ever wondered what Gollum would look like with Clooney's smile? Would Pennywise the Clown be as tormenting had he brushed his teeth a little more? My company decided to figure out how the scariest movie villains would look if we gave them a beautiful set of pearly whites! Refer to the link below to view your favorite evil doers with a brand new mouth full of teeth!"
"The best part of horror films isn't the teenagers who run in opposite directions in terror or even the creative ways the main characters slowly fall victim to fate; quite simply, its the villains themselves! We took some of the most notable and scary villains from the horror and action film worlds and placed a nice little smile on their faces."
Pennywise The Elf on a Shelf
Merry Christmas. Marie Lawton posted this at Stephen King constant reader fan club and gave me permission to post it here. I LOVE IT!
Stephen King Meets Judy Blume in ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, CARRIE
The Ringwald Thater will be running a parody musical titled, "ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, CARRIE" Talk about mash-up! The musical promises to combine the best of Judy Blume novels witht he "creepiness" of Stephen King.
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It's the 1970s, and pre-teen Carrie White and her religious nut of a mother have just moved to an idyllic New Jersey suburb. There she is befriended by a group of girls and together they form The PTS's (Pre-Teen Sensations) where they talk about boys and wait impatiently for their periods to arrive. But we all know that Carrie White and blood don't mix. As the girls gear up for the big school party, will everything go off without a hitch? Don't bet on it!
Featuring a jukebox full of 70s pop songs, ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, CARRIE promises to be a bloody good time (sorry, we couldn't resist)!
Featured in the cast are Meredith Deighton (Carrie), Lauren Bickers (Mrs. White), Brittany Michael (Nancy), DeAnnah Kleitz-Singleton (Gretchen), Katy Schoetzow (Janie), Dyan Bailey (Laura Denker), and Joel Hunter (All the Men).
Dyan Bailey will direct with choreography by Katy Schoetzow. Set design by Gwen Lindsay, costume design by Lisa Melinn, and lighting design by Brandy Joe Plambeck.
ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, CARRIE opens Saturday, October 11, 2014 and plays through Monday, November 3, 2014 at 8pm on Saturday and Monday nights with 3pm Sunday matinees. Ticket prices are $20.00 for Saturday performances, $15 for Sunday shows, and Monday nights are HALF OFF the original ticket price at only $10 a ticket. All students can now receive a $5 discount off normal ticket price on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday performances (available at the box office the day of the show with valid student ID). Tickets can be purchased at www.TheRingwald.com or at the theatre box office. The Ringwald box office opens 45 minutes before performances and tickets can be purchased with cash or Visa/Mastercard.
The Ringwald opened their doors seven years ago on May 11, 2007 with Fatal Attraction: A Greek Tragedy. Quickly, The Ringwald became a mainstay of Detroit's theatre community. Past Productions include: Angels in America, Into the Woods, The Motherfucker with the Hat, August: Osage County, When the Rain Stops Falling, The Bad Seed, Making Porn, The Book of Liz, Rent, and Love! Valour! Compassion!. The Ringwald was named 2009, 2012 and 2013 Best Theatrical Troupe by Real Detroit and Best Place to See Local Theatre in 2010, 2011 and 2012 by the readers of Metro Times.
The Dark Tower: FOUND!
Dark Roasted Blend has made a connection that's -- well, out there. Until you see the photo's! Seems the Dark Tower actually exists, in our world!
Dark Blend writes,
Maybe you've read Stephen King's huge fantasy epic "The Dark Tower" . . . you'll be surprised to find the fantastic huge black tower actually exists... on a small island near Africa. More precisely, on the São Tomé island in the Gulf of Guinea. It's called Pico Cão Grande, or the Great Dog peak.The photo's are credited to Inna Moody. The painting is the always awesome Michael Whelan.
Get these ominous lines, "Fearsome black snakes live on this peak."
"approaches to it are filled with impenetrable giant ferns and lianas"
"Among the animals who live in the nearby jungles and come to pay respect to the tower are the Leatherback Sea Turtle"
"Vertical climbing of this peak is complicated by the thick mist that lingers around it."
About Devil's Tower in Wyoming, "Big monsters tend to find such towers and climb them to their doom. Here is a (bear)? trying to scale the Devil's Tower in Wyoming."
Huuuuhhhh! Sounds like the tower rising in our world. Snakes. The turtle. The bear. Difficult approach. ehhh?!
In all honesty, this would make some great shots for a movie. . . if they were to ever make a movie. You know, someone should do that! Someone should make a Dark Tower movie.
Christine verses Herbie
Yes, you did read that right. Chris Vognar's has posted his list of "Top 5 movie cars." His list. . .
5. The Love Bug. 4. Death Proof. 3. The Italian Job. 2. Christine. 1. Dark Knight. Hey, where's Maximum Overdrive, huh! dallasnews.com
Just seeing the Love Bug on a list with Christine brings some wonderful images to mind. Of course, Herbie could run and pull all kinds of tricks, but in the end Christine would pulverize that little VW. Truth is, it wouldn't even be that difficult for Christine!
But we would all have to admit that the Batmobile would probably be more difficult to destroy. But not much. In fact, the reason Love Bug and Christine seem well slated for a fight is because they both have a life of their own. Makes me wonder exactly who is haunting Herbie. But just supposin' Batman decided to take up the fight against Christine. . . I'm afraid there would be nothing left of him except tire marks on his cape.
Anyone who disagrees with me will have to spend the night in Darnell's garage.
For Fun: Worst Book You Ever Read
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| image credit HERE |
Just for fun (which is what a blog is, right, just for fun). . .
Stephen King shared some bad novels in his book On Writing. He has also openly stated some of his own least favorite books. You don't want to take Mr. King to a Twilight book signing -- things would get quickly awkward.
Copy the questions, write your own answers. Or copy my answers, I feel secure about what I wrote.
What is the worst book you ever read? (You have to have read it all, not started it and stopped)
The Beast Within by Edward Levy. I read a tattered used copy, and hated it big time. I thought it was all out stupid. But then, it gave me great hope. If that could get published -- and a movie made of it -- then maybe I would someday be able to write something and get a movie made of it.
Twilight got the highest rating when goodreads asked that question. (HERE) Unfortunately the goodreads poll didn't stick with novels, so it got pretty political.
Rank right up there with The Beast Within the book Amityville Horror. Before you tell me what a great story this is, consider this: It's like listening to children tell a big lie. "And then the bed was floating. . . and then a pig was in the window. . . and there were pig tracks in the snow. . . and then the water was all black and stuff and it started oozing out the walls. . . and then the cross turned upside down. . ." I wanted to scream at these people throughout the book, "If you're scared of ghosts, don't move in a house where a whole family was murdered and then let your children sleep in their beds!" I wonder if the pig was named Misery.
What is the worst classic book you have read?
A Separate Peace. The book was slow and I never understood what it was actually about.
What is the worst Stephen King book you ever read?
I have not completed a novel I was unhappy with -- that I can think of. I found Rage pretty depressing, but the writing was strong. I even enjoyed the pages King released of The Cannibals, and that wasn't even edited. I think I just decide ahead of time -- I'm going to like this! and I do. When I don't like a King book, I stop reading.
What book were you forced to read that you did not like?
The Heart of Darkness. I might have liked it, had it not been forced on us. Add to that, for the same reasons, Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. None of us in High School "got" it. Of course, we may not have been a real bright class, as we were also scratching our heads on what in the world Catcher in the Rye was about. Oh, and there was a Vietnam book called "In Country." It was so dry that I bought the abridged audio version just so I could pass the test. I passed.
When it comes to books I don't like . . . it's just my opinion. Obviously other people thought they were great books, as most of these have been turned into movies. Not good movies!
Your Turn!
Huffington Post Blog Accuses Stephen King Of Not Being Able To Write
Michael Conniff posted a blog post at Huffington Post titled, "Why Stephen King Can't Write." (huffingtonpost.com)
Conniff declares that he likes everything Stephen King stands for, and cites a list that really has nothing to do with things King actually "stands" for. Like -- He has a library next to his house. Well, if that's the case, put me on the list, I also stand for having libraries next to your house! I stand with you both!
Wait, you might be wondering who it is that Huff Post has decided is worthy of the platform of smashing Stephen King. Michael Conniff is a well known author. In fact, he's sold 11 books. Not 11 million. Not 11,000. 11. ELEVEN.
So exactly how does the esteemed author think Stephen King has failed the writing world? (Never mind that Stephen King actually wrote the book On Writing!)
Of course, after pointing out that Stephen King has sold a few more books than he has, Conniff resorts to telling ust hat sales don't matter, only the words on the paper matter. And that might be true, but in the world of writing, readers are the judge of those words. And it appears the American public judges King worthy of continued sales. And, 11 people have bought Mr. Conniff's books. 11.
Conniff builds his case on King's latest novel, Mr. Mercedes. This is frustrating because King used a different style for Mercedes than his usual third person past tense. Everything is told in present tense in Mercedes, a style King has never used for an entire novel. So to judge the whole of his work, his ability to write, on this one novel seems like nothing more than a sulky uneducated jealous writer wanting to get some punches in on the big guy. (Thanks Huffington Post for giving Conniff the platform to do this.)
Conniff accuses King of, "bad writing." After giving us an example paragraph, he then calls King out on "strike two" and asks, "what in the name of all that's scary is a "rank of doors"? Is it some kind of hierarchy or grading system or a band from the Sixties? I have no idea, and if you're honest, neither do you. It's a stinkeroo."
Here's King's sentence: "When Augie reached the top of the wide, steep drive leading to the big auditorium, he saw a cluster of at least two dozen people already waiting outside the rank of doors, some standing, most sitting."
Made sense to me. Need it broken down? Is something unclear? Wold Conniff think it owuld be better stated, "he saw a cluster of at least two dozen people already waiting outside a bunch-o doors."
Wait, Conniff then gives King a big "strike three." Which is easy when you make up the game, and you're the Umpire. The bottom line of his third complaint is that Conniff doesn't like complicated sentences. He would probably prefer my the books piles up in my children's rooms. In fact, Conniff declares that King's sentence is "completely incoherent." And it is -- for him.
Conniff rants, "Wide? Steep? Big? Doors mysteriously ranked? Mazelike non-maze? They prickle me not." Genius.
Then he makes the charge that because King is focused on the story, he doesn't care about the words he uses. He's just barfing up words to push the story forward. Which is, of course, the opposite of what he argues in On Writing. A whole portion of On Writing deals with the tools of the craft -- words.
Wait, Conniff isn't done. He then suggests that it's the movies that save Stephen King's stories. (REALLY!) Conniff writes:
Finally, the Huff Post blogger decides to smack all of us who like King -- because, of course, we're buying Stephen King books and not Michael Conniff books. (Well, 11 of you might have switched teams here. 11.) Connif says, "In a way, you can't blame Stephen King for his shortcomings as a writer. Like his audience, he just wants to find out what happens next." In other words, King so intense into his story, he doesn't care how he gets there.
So Conniff never addresses Kings ability to build characters, advance plot, create suspense and draw the reader right into the mind of some pretty terrible people. He doesn't look at King's real gift, characters. Why? Because simply put, Conniff can't handle the way Stephen King writes and sentence. His arrogance and pride blinds him to the fact that he's tossing stones at an American Master.
Obviously, Mr. Conniff needs to read my book, "Stephen King, A Face Among The Masters." Then he will be better equipped to understand why Stephen King's work is important.
Conniff declares that he likes everything Stephen King stands for, and cites a list that really has nothing to do with things King actually "stands" for. Like -- He has a library next to his house. Well, if that's the case, put me on the list, I also stand for having libraries next to your house! I stand with you both!
Wait, you might be wondering who it is that Huff Post has decided is worthy of the platform of smashing Stephen King. Michael Conniff is a well known author. In fact, he's sold 11 books. Not 11 million. Not 11,000. 11. ELEVEN.
So exactly how does the esteemed author think Stephen King has failed the writing world? (Never mind that Stephen King actually wrote the book On Writing!)
Of course, after pointing out that Stephen King has sold a few more books than he has, Conniff resorts to telling ust hat sales don't matter, only the words on the paper matter. And that might be true, but in the world of writing, readers are the judge of those words. And it appears the American public judges King worthy of continued sales. And, 11 people have bought Mr. Conniff's books. 11.
Conniff builds his case on King's latest novel, Mr. Mercedes. This is frustrating because King used a different style for Mercedes than his usual third person past tense. Everything is told in present tense in Mercedes, a style King has never used for an entire novel. So to judge the whole of his work, his ability to write, on this one novel seems like nothing more than a sulky uneducated jealous writer wanting to get some punches in on the big guy. (Thanks Huffington Post for giving Conniff the platform to do this.)
Conniff accuses King of, "bad writing." After giving us an example paragraph, he then calls King out on "strike two" and asks, "what in the name of all that's scary is a "rank of doors"? Is it some kind of hierarchy or grading system or a band from the Sixties? I have no idea, and if you're honest, neither do you. It's a stinkeroo."
Here's King's sentence: "When Augie reached the top of the wide, steep drive leading to the big auditorium, he saw a cluster of at least two dozen people already waiting outside the rank of doors, some standing, most sitting."
Made sense to me. Need it broken down? Is something unclear? Wold Conniff think it owuld be better stated, "he saw a cluster of at least two dozen people already waiting outside a bunch-o doors."
Wait, Conniff then gives King a big "strike three." Which is easy when you make up the game, and you're the Umpire. The bottom line of his third complaint is that Conniff doesn't like complicated sentences. He would probably prefer my the books piles up in my children's rooms. In fact, Conniff declares that King's sentence is "completely incoherent." And it is -- for him.
Conniff rants, "Wide? Steep? Big? Doors mysteriously ranked? Mazelike non-maze? They prickle me not." Genius.
Then he makes the charge that because King is focused on the story, he doesn't care about the words he uses. He's just barfing up words to push the story forward. Which is, of course, the opposite of what he argues in On Writing. A whole portion of On Writing deals with the tools of the craft -- words.
Wait, Conniff isn't done. He then suggests that it's the movies that save Stephen King's stories. (REALLY!) Conniff writes:
it takes movies like "The Shawshank Redemption" and "The Green Mile" to bring his ideas to life.Finally, Conniff confesses, "I've never loved his writing." Of course, he's cited how many books he actually read? Mr. Mercedes and On Writing. That's it. I don't know if he's read more, because he doesn't say, and without using WORDS, I have no way of knowing what Conniff has read.
Finally, the Huff Post blogger decides to smack all of us who like King -- because, of course, we're buying Stephen King books and not Michael Conniff books. (Well, 11 of you might have switched teams here. 11.) Connif says, "In a way, you can't blame Stephen King for his shortcomings as a writer. Like his audience, he just wants to find out what happens next." In other words, King so intense into his story, he doesn't care how he gets there.
So Conniff never addresses Kings ability to build characters, advance plot, create suspense and draw the reader right into the mind of some pretty terrible people. He doesn't look at King's real gift, characters. Why? Because simply put, Conniff can't handle the way Stephen King writes and sentence. His arrogance and pride blinds him to the fact that he's tossing stones at an American Master.
Obviously, Mr. Conniff needs to read my book, "Stephen King, A Face Among The Masters." Then he will be better equipped to understand why Stephen King's work is important.
PAPER TOY: STEPHEN KING HANGS AROUND YOUR HOUSE
This is kind of strange. . . from writesideout.com
What could be better than having a famous writer hanging around the house, classing up the joint with witty anecdotes about his published works? Nothing, that's what!
That's why I've made the "Stephen King Hangs Around Your House" paper toy. Print it out. Cut it out. Paste a button on Stephen's foot and hang him to balance anywhere his feet can swing free. A light switch will do or a pin on your bulleting board. He'll even hang from your finger...and who wouldn't want Stephen King wrapped around their little finger?
Make this simple paper toy today and tomorrow you can began complaining, in all honesty, that "Stephen King keeps hanging around my house."Time needed to complete this project: about 6 minutes
Supplies needed to complete this project: color printer 8 1/2 by 11 inch white, heavy card stock scissors white glue or glue stick button or pennyActual size of this paper toy is about 6 inches by 6 inches.
William Castle and Stephen King
William who? William Castle! Shock horror director of the 50's and 60's. He was known for his gimmicks. Castle was the king of promotion. He really thought he'd made it when he got Robert Bloch (Psycho writer) and Joan Crawford (Mommy Dearest). Castle's long time dream was to equal Alfred Hitchcock.
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There's a great documentary on William Castle titled "Spine Tingler! the William Castle Story." He invented Emergo. . . one step beyond 3D. Some films allowed for a "punishment poll" which allowed the audience to vote on the movies ending. Of course, there's no evidence they movies actually had multiple endings, because an audience will always vote for the bad guy to get knocked off.
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So what movies would make great William Castle movies? Well, I'd like to see what he would do with Christine. How about giving him a shot at Children of the Corn, everyone else has messed with it!
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You know a lot of Castle's movies, they include: The House on Haunted Hill, 13 Ghosts, I Saw what you did.
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Castle didn't just direct B-movies. He also produced Rosemary's Baby. His desire was to direct the film, but that honor fell to Roman Polanski.
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Carrie-Carrie- Castle Scary?
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So I guess the real question is: What kind of gimmicks would Castle put with a Stephen King movie? He once offered life insurance for every person going to see his movie -- giving their beneficiary a real check if they died of fear during his movie. He put buzzers in the seats of the theaters to jolt certain audience members and scare them all the more. Now imagine getting shocked at the end of Carrie when that hand comes grasping out of the grave!
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Some King movies frustrate me enough that I think: Might as well give them to someone who would at least know how to ham it up and create some hype. Langoliers comes to mind -- but that's not scary enough for Castle, so I withdraw the nomination. How about Needful things.
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King On Castle
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Stephen King wrote in Danse Macabre about Castle's film Macabre: "This William Castle feature Macabre -- his first, but unfortunately not his last -- was perhaps the biggest "gotta-see" pictrue of my grammer school days. Its title was pronounced by my friends in Stratford, Connecticut as McBare. "Gotta-Ssee" or not, very few of our parents would let us go because of the grisly ad campaign. I however, exercised the inventiveness of the true aficionado and got to see it by telling my mother Iwas gong to Davy crockett, a Disney film which I felt I could summarize safely because I had most of the bubble-gum cards."
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King spends some time in Danse Macabre describing Castle's gimmicks. (Page 182 of the hardcover). King then says about The Tingler, "a film so exquisitely low budget that afera thousand people had seen it, now escape me, but there was this monster (the Tingler, natch) that lived on fear. When its victims were so scared they couldn't even scream, it attached itself to their spines and sorta . . well . . . tingled them to death. I know that must sound pretty stupid, but in the film, it worked (although it probably helped to be eleven years old when you saw it. )As I remember, one sexy miss got it in the bathtub. Bad news.
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But never mind the plot; let's get on to the gimmick. at one point the Tingler got into a movie theater, killed the projectionists, and some how shorted out the electricity. At that moment in the theater where you were watching the movie, all the lights went out and the screen went dark. Now as it happened, the only thing that could get the Tingler to let go of your spine once it had attached itself was a good loud scream, which changed the quality of the adrenaline it fed on. And at this point, a narrator on the soundtrack cried out, "The Tingler is now in this theater! It may be under your seat! So scream! Scream! Scream for your lives!!" The audience was o course happy to oblige, and in the next scene we see the Tingler fleeing for its life, vanquished for the time being by all those screaming people.
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The Difference
There is a massive difference between Stephen King and William Castle -- quality. We can laugh at some of King's movies, because he didn't do them. But King never feels the need to give us gimmick's. In fact, he sometimes seems a little annoyed at over priced gimmick's -- the work can stand on its own two feet.
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So when my Pretty Pony came out, with a clock embedded in the book, King didn't express a lot of excitement. Unlike Castle, there's not a confidence issue with King. He doesn't try and get the reader to buy the book just because of a gimmick.
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Now, that's not to say publishers don't offer gimmick's! Anyone remember the nightlight that came with Desperation and Regulators? How about a Blockade Billy baseball card? How about a Pennywise magnet? A toy Christine car? And so on.
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King doesn't fill his work with gimmick's, either. That is, there is more than just blood and guts to a Stephen King story -- it's always about the characters.
DUCK Commander MISERY
Hey Jack, this is proof positive everyone has a Stephen King connection. I'm watching Duck Dynasty (it makes my family happy, happy, happy) when I start catching Stephen King references.
Most recent is a quote from Willie:
"If it were up to me, I'd just Jase's legs and chain him to his desk to him work. I'd be like tht weird chick off misery and he'd be the dude in the bed. But since there are regulations against that now. . ."There. I have nothing else to say.
Wait. . . one more thing. A Robertson would make a good character in a Stephen King novel. But it's not Misery.
Seriously, which novel would be cooler if it had happened in redneck country? EASY! The Tommyknockers. Because those guys digging up an alien spaceship is just a wonderful thought.
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