Want to know a secret?

about running?

Want to know what it is?

Well, as a new member of "the club", I'll tell you.
You see, I'm "in" now.
Sure, people think I'm running outside (Jamie, sorry...but I'm still a treadmill girl. It's COLD out there) and probably think I'm running further and faster than I really am (David, don't tell anyone what you know). But, hey...I'm moving and it's not walking (not the whole time anyway) and I'm doing it.

But, the breathing...
holy mackanoly.

So, I sent an email to some of my "runner" friends to find out the secret.
The title of the email was "Do you breathe when you run?"

I just wanted some advice about the whole "inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth" that I always heard was the mark of a real runner.

And you want to know what I found out? I don't think I was supposed to find this out, mind you, but since they think I'm one of them...well, they let it slip.

Well, here are the responses (from actual legitimate runners, just to be clear):

I can't breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. I have to do it all through my mouth. So if you find any tricks that work maybe you should give them to me too. :)

For the longest time, when I began running I asked all of the runners I knew this question...How do you breathe when you run? I AM NOT KIDDING. I couldn't figure it out. Fill the lungs fully? Breathe through my nose? Only half a lung of breath? And guess what? They couldn't tell me how they breathed.

I've got nothing. I have no idea if I breathe correctly or not. BUT kudos to you for fighting to let the runner in you out!! I love it. Sending all sorts of love and running vibes your way. :)

Yes, probably most of us have been running a long time and so our bodies (knees, ankles and lungs) have adapted. Do NOT worry about in the nose and out the mouth. Yes, that is the correct way but very few runners can do it, so don’t worry about it.


Now, in fairness, they also gave me some great advice.
Really. And I'm doing it.
Running some. Walking some. Running some again.
I'm listening to my body. I'm not going faster than will let me take a good deep breath.
And it's working. It really is.

But I can't tell you what a difference it has made to take the pressure of myself for this "standard" that I thought was important that, as it turns out, isn't a standard at all.

And it just got me wondering...what other secrets are out there?
I want to know.

God's Will. My Will (Part 3)

Agency.

It comes down to agency.

Only I'm not talking about the agency we need to submit to His will.
Though I absolutely know that is part of this whole thought process.

But, I've been thinking a lot about our agency to choose our will.
You see, I believe God doesn't just sit around waiting for us to get to the point where we choose His will.
Rather, I believe He is waiting for us to learn how to have our will be His will.

Now, in some cases, that absolutely involves an actual "letting go" of what we want and trusting that what He wants is better.

BUT...in most cases, I do believe...or rather, I'm starting to understand...He is waiting for us to choose what we want and, if it is in accordance with that which is good, He can...and will...allow our will to be so. Then, He can and will accomplish His ultimate will through our righteous choices.

I have lately been even more intrigued by this truth contained within the definition of "prayer" from the Bible Dictionary:
Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them.

I think that definition is just as important for what it doesn't say as what it does. Read it again...even if you've read it before.

Is it possible that the Lord doesn't just want my willingness to do His will?
But, that He wants me to decide what my will is...based on those principles that are the foundation for His will?

Does that make sense?

In other words, it's not just about submission.
It's also about proactively living in accordance with what I really want...so that He can grant me those things He's waiting to grant me...but that I just have to ask for...and live for.

WHAT I WANT.
And what He wants to give me.

So many thoughts that I can't quite articulate. But, I'm understanding something in my heart...and when I pray...that I've never understood before.

Agency.
It really does come down to agency.

(If you want to read a great talk about this topic, enjoy this gem of Bruce R. McConkie from 1973.)

God's Will. My Will (Part 2)

Dear God:

It's Friday night. And I'm at the office.
Now, granted, I have a lot of work to do to get ready for our kick-off event next weekend. And so there really isn't a choice right now.
But...

I worry a little bit that I will get sucked back into this life of mine.
I worry a little bit that I'll forget what it felt like to believe.
I worry just a little bit that steps forward will mean a slightly different direction.

And I just want to make it perfectly clear that's not what I want.
And I'm kind of hoping that's not what YOU want either.

Oh, and I miss him.
And there's a little hole in my heart again.
And I need your help making my life enough again.

So, while I know there were a couple of things that needed to be figured out, and while I can't deny any longer it was YOUR voice I heard in the shower that morning (btw, you should do that more often...because that was about as clear as they come)...

I'm wondering if you could do something...
You know...if doing something is the right thing to do?

Because life was just a little sweeter when the start of a weekend meant the prospect of something...just a little sweeter.

I'm not complaining.
I'm not sad (well, not devastatingly so).
And I really will be okay. I know I will.

I trust you.
Promise.

But, I'm just kind wondering if we can talk about it a little more.

I didn't think we could...but I feel like you're willing.
And I know you have time to listen.
Because...well...you're God.

And that's what you do.
(And I'm so grateful to know that.)

SO...can we?

Love,
Your favorite girl

TXT MSGS FRM GOD

I have to admit that when I wrote that book, it just seemed like a clever hook.

I didn't think I'd really actually get text messages from Him.

But, this past month, my little BlackBerry is full of saved texts from those who He has talked through to text me important little messages. And I'm ever so grateful.

And I'm convinced the messages are, in part, why I'm where I am today.
Which, by the way, is in a very good place.

I would say "I'm back".
But, that's not true.

Because I'm not the girl I was before.

I'm better.
stronger.
deeper.
and even happier.

So, I thought these texts deserve to be saved...as reminders of the past month of my life and the blessing of good people who love me and are willing to listen to the spirit that surely told them to text me. I really believe that.

Here are just a few:

I came across this scripture and thought of you. Psalms 27:14 xoxo

Loud voices in the shower only come from God...for single women, that is...:)

True-u have a girl heart-we all do. But you also have a confident heart, a trusting heart and a knowing heart.

So impressed with where you are. I can tell you are really letting God lead you. (I got that one just last night. And I can confirm He has and He will.)

Is there someone that needs to hear a message from God through you today?
Don't underestimate the power of your text message to reach and heal and teach a heart.
Seriously.

LYFSGUD.
It really really is.

Downtime.

Dear Mr. Daughtry:

You need to know I still love you.

In fact, I plan to see you when you're here in April.
I kind of thought someday I'd meet you on an Oprah show called "You inspired me to run" or something like that. You've served me well. But, alas...I need something else right now.

Maybe it's because she's a girl like me.
Maybe it's because none of the last 3 boys I've given a piece of my heart to liked country music.
Maybe it's because NO ONE does "angst" better than her.
Maybe it's because she sings in my range.
Maybe it's because she's who I have to thank for the song "My Give a Damn's Busted" (I'm sorry people. Don't judge me. It's just such a great song and it got me through 2005.).

All I know is that this this week when I've gotten on the treadmill, I didn't automatically go to you like I have every morning of this new life as a "runner".

And...
well....

I was reminded of this song.
And I realized I've just been going through a little "downtime"

And then it was just one song after another.
Of thinking
and healing
and smiling
and laughing
and running
(and then walking...but then running again)

And it's been SUCH a good week.

So, forgive me if I stick with my new friend JoDee for a while.
I just think she gets me right now.

(PS Her new song "That's God" is GREAT.)

God's Will. My Will (Part 1)

My mind is racing and I can't sleep.
So, I decided maybe I needed to start sharing some of what I'm learning right now.

Last week a dear friend (who seems to always be the means for God's text messages to me...truly) texted me a reminder of a talk she & I shared while she was going through a difficult time. The talk was given by Jeffrey R. Holland in 1989 while he was the President of BYU. It's entitled The Will of the Father in All Things.

I've spent a long time and a lot of work getting myself to the point where I sincerely and deeply and honestly want to know that I am living a life in accordance with the will of the Lord. I seek His approval and confirmation for so much of what I do.
I crave it.
I long for it.
I need it.

BUT.

Today while I was talking with another friend, I feel like the spirit taught us both something I have not really let myself consider.

First...let's talk about the context of a couple of the most oft quoted scriptures dealing with "the will of the Father".

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." Luke 22:42

"I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning." 3 Nephi 11:11

I think, based on these kinds of scriptures and, for me, what I know about those early Mormons who also "suffered the will of the Father", I have associated "the Lord's will" with "the harder path".

As if God always requires suffering and sacrifice.
And always asks us to do hard things.
In order for us to prove our faithfulness.

BUT.

I was also reminded today that it IS God's will that I be happy.
He wants me to be happy...to experience joy.
Of course He does.

And so, while I expect Him to ask me to do hard things and then I think I need to do them as evidence of my willingness to "submit" and "suffer" His will, I have not let myself believe...really believe...that following His will can also mean He will expect me and ask me to do the thing that will make me happy today. Now.

And OF COURSE that is true.

And since deep down inside "my will" is often for that thing that will make me happy today...now...perhaps, sometimes (or often), His will really is MY will.

"Sometimes...we underestimate the Lord's willingness to hear our cry, to confirm our wish, to declare that our will is not contrary to his and that his help is there only for the asking." Elder Holland (emphasis added)

Elder Holland goes on to share an example of Marion G. Romney and his wife (you really must read it) where Elder Romney finally realizes that what he wants is not contradictory to what the Lord wants for him.

And that is very much what my "ah-ha" was today.

You see, with all the time and work getting myself to the point where I'm trying o live a life in accordance with the will of the Lord, I've made the assumption that it will mean sacrificing what I really want. And so, I've forgotten (or ignored) a little bit of my own will...what I want...what I need in order to experience as much happiness and joy as I possibly can in this life.

MY WILL.

Which, I knew today, happens to be His will too.

Wisdom from Conan

I'll admit.
I kind of got pulled into all the "Late Night" drama.
I have opinions about it too.
I shouldn't. But, I do.
(I'd be a member of Team Coco if I was going to join a team.)

And so, I was intrigued last night to hear what Conan had to say.
And I was impressed.

"To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I'll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere."

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

Some words to live by, I'd say.
Words of wisdom indeed.

I'm SUCH a sucker.

Let it be known that I really really do stink at giveaways.
(I mean, I can't even wait until midnight!)
How on earth do bloggers just choose just one person?
It seems so not right.

I'm SUCH a sucker.
I really am.

SO...
while I wish I could send one to everyone (I really like you people. I really really do!), I have to remind myself that I still have student loans to pay off and well...I can't let these silly giveaways make me broke.

I'm SUCH a sucker.
I really am.
(Did I say that already?)

My cute Mom is here and she wrote out all the names on little pieces of paper and then verified that it was a random drawing...and then made me stop drawing names (she knows about the student loans).

So, without further adieu (did I spell that right?)

CONGRATULATIONS to

Shari berry bo-berry

MOMR

Bearydiane


Yes...you read that right.
There are THREE.
(I'm SUCH a sucker.
I really am.)

I hope you're ready for this.
And I hope this becomes a turning point in your life...
a "corner", if you will (read that quote up there under my blog name.)

So, to you three "get-ready-for-your-life-to-change" friends, please email me your mailing addresses to laurelDOTchristensenATgmailDOTcom and I'll get the books out right away.

And the rest of you...
really.
GO. BUY. THE. BOOK.

(I already can't wait for the next giveaway. How fun!)

Change. Your. Life.

When I started blogging, I really thought blogging was just an excuse for bloggers to get "cheap therapy". No, really. I did.

Oh, those bloggers!
(Because we all know I'VE never done that...no...not I.)

And, every now and then with something I've shared (in my "I'm not using blogging in place of therapy" sort of way), I'll get a comment or an email and someone will tell me that they think what I said was wise or inspired or something.

I don't often admit where I got some of what I share.

Truth is, I paid for it.
Paid a fair amount for it, actually.

You see, I had a little "breakdown" many years ago. Not something that would land me in a "happy place" in a padded cell or anything, but a breakdown just the same. I don't talk about it much because, truth be told, it actually turned out to be one of the most sacred times in my life. I learned a lifetime of things about myself and the Lord in a few short years.

And I know it's because I was blessed to find really really good help.

In one of the greatest mercies in my life, I had the chance to experience the therapy techniques of Wendy Watson (now Wendy Watson Nelson). It literally...LITERALLY changed my life (notice I didn't say SHE changed my life...she wouldn't want me to say that). And what I spent so much money on (and worth every penny) is now available for one easy payment of $29.99 (that sounded way more "infomercial" than I meant for it too...just really can't express what a great deal this content is!)

Really.

I can't say enough about the experience you will have reading this book. Though I can say it will be very similar (or at least it can be) to the life-changing experience I had during one of the most critical times in my life. (And...kind of sweet for me...one of my personal experiences is even discussed...just call me "Barbara").

SO...

Want your own copy?

I have ONE to give away (and this time it really is just one...really.)

Just leave a comment here by FRIDAY at MIDNIGHT...you don't even have to say anything. Just leave a comment. And one get-ready-for-your-life-to-change friend will be chosen to receive your very own copy.

For the rest of you?
Get the book.
It's cheaper than therapy and I really believe it just might
Change. Your. Life.

Live a little more

"Every moment of one's existence one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit." -Norman Mailer

It's good to let some parts of your life die.
Like the life I lived not being a runner?
Yeah. Die away, non-runner life. Die away.
(btw, I'm on "Day 12" and I really am doing it. Slow & steady...but I'm doing it. And I'm "reporting in" on facebook. It's been good peer pressure for me.)

But, when something inside you is dying a little bit that shouldn't be...or retreating into less...
well, then it's time to live a little more.
Grow into more.

Who knew that running would be the key to both?

It's been an interesting couple of weeks (if interesting means "really hard and gut wrenching") and I think I've had an experience I needed to have for oh so many reasons. But, I've also been dying just a little bit. Something in my spirit has been dying...that shouldn't be...that can't.

(Interesting too that it's the mornings that are hardest for me (whoever said "things always look better in the morning" should have added "for some people". If I ever did something crazy, it would be in the morning...not at night...just so you know.) It's like I wake up and deal with the realities of it all and feel overwhelmed and don't want to get out of bed...but I do...and by the end of the day, I've seen the Lord's hand in my life and I've felt the peace of the spirit and I'm so okay...then I go to bed, have some dreams and wake up forgetting that the day before I was so okay.)

SO...this "running" (let's be clear, people, I'm a work in progress with this running bit) thing has been such a blessing and I realized this morning how CRITICAL it is that I start my day with it. Something happens to me when I'm running. Even though I'm not really good at it yet, it's doing something to me...for me.

I talk to myself.

I really do.

And I seem to say what I need to hear.

Maybe it's God talking to me through me.
Or maybe it's that my little spirit that has lived for eons of time is trying to talk to the mortal part of me that has this really narrow life view (oh, right. i guess that's the same thing.)

Either way, it happened again this morning.
"You're going to be okay. It's going to be okay."
I kept saying over and over again.

And I knew it was true.
And I felt the "dying a little bit" stop.
I felt it.

I am acknowledging today that sometimes we just need to make a conscious decision to not be sad. Sometimes we need to make a consious decision to trust and move forward.

Sometimes we need to make a conscious decision to "grow into more"...
And live a little more.

And. I. am.
I am.

My little heart

If it will make you feel more comfortable, I'll act like I'm okay.
If it will help me to move on, I'll stop talking about it.
If it will let me look stronger, I'll appear to be resolved.

But...

My little heart knows I feel alone even in a crowded room.
My little heart wishes things were different.
My little heart is wondering if she did the right thing.

Every one of us has times
when we need to know
things will get better...
Everyone needs to be able
to look forward to some respite,
to something pleasant
and renewing
and hopeful,
whether that blessing be near at hand
or still some distance ahead.
It is enough just to know we can get there,
that however measured or far away,
there is the promise of "good things to come".
Even if you cannot always see
that silver lining on your clouds,
God can,
for He is the very source of the light you seek.
He does love you,
and He knows your fears.
He hears your prayers.
He is your Heavenly Father,
and surely He matches with His own
the tears His children shed.
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I'm grateful to know there is One who knows
...my little heart.

New Year's Hopes

(I wrote the following for our TIME OUT FOR WOMEN newsletter this month. Likely some of you already read it. But, someone suggested I should share it on my blog and so...)

We're putting away the notion of New Year's Resolutions this year.

Instead, we're bringing out HOPE.
Or, rather, New Year's Hopes.

Some of us have hope for a mended broken heart.
Some of us have hope for more capacity in the one we have.
Some of us have hope for the life growing inside us to be born healthy.
Some of us hope for the chance to mother in any way possible.
Some of us hope for the man of our dreams to come along.
Some of us hope for the strength to suppor the man we already have.
Some of us hope for the will to finally get our bodies in shape.
Some of us hope for one more year with our bodies.

Whatever we hope FOR, those hopes are only possible because of what we hope IN.

As women of God, we hope IN

• the power of the Savior's atonement to change our hearts
• the sanctity of eternal families
• the strength of our covenants
• the reality of eternal life

So, this year, we invite you to write down your HOPES...what you hope FOR.

Then write how that hope can be a reality because of what you hope IN.

And bring your hopes with you to our INFINITE HOPE 2010 TOUR.

We'll bring ours too...

******

Come see me at one of the shows if you can.
It really is going to be our best tour yet.

And, as for my New Year's Hopes?
- I hope I really turn into a runner
- I hope I get a stronger heart as this one heals
- I hope I stay focused on what matters most

What about YOU?
What are you ready to HOPE for?

The runner inside me.

January 1, 2010 was the day that Laurel "the runner" was born.

Oh, sure...I know that you think I've tried this before.

But, I got shoes and everything.(How cute are they?)

Someone asked me early last week as my year was coming to an end, "So, what else do you want to do?"

And my little spirit just shouted out, "I want to be a runner."

And since Friday, I've been living like a runner.
Going to bed like a runner.
Getting up like a runner.
My classic line is, "Well, that's what runners do!"

So, it's been three days.
And I know that's not much.
And it's not like I'm running 6-minute miles (or even 12-minute miles though the 12-minute mile and I got VERY close to becoming friends today...SO close.)

But, I'm running.
And it feels good.

And this morning as I was on Day 3 and I just so desperately wanted to run through one more song but knew I couldn't do it...

Well, I heard someone saying "You can do it! You can do it!"

And I know this probably sounds totally lame (or overly dramatic), but I swear I just didn't quite realize...

It was me.
Or rather "the runner" that's been living inside me.
I was saying it out loud over and over and over again.

And when the song was over and I knew I couldn't push any longer, I said a little "thank you" prayer...and I cried.

Because that's what runners do.
At least that's what THIS runner does.

Still my grandpa

I think this week, more than ever before, I have been aware of and grateful for the sacred binding power of families...

There have been a handful of times this year when I've wanted so desperately to visit with my grandpa.

He would have LOVED the graduation.
And he would have gotten weepy when I showed him my book.
And I know I would have visited him several times the last few months and probably received a blessing of direction. He would have been hopeful about the prospect too.

He was so good like that.

I woke up this morning feeling all jumbled up.
I know part of it is that Heather is leaving tomorrow.
And part of it is my heart still feels a little confused.
But another part is I'm just feeling alone again.

Don't misunderstand.
I have so many friends and dear family all of who adore me.
And I have been blessed with an abundance of the spirit.
And, of course, I understand that we are never truly alone.

But, still...

And so after church today, Heather and I went up to the Salt Lake City Cemetaryand trekked through the snow to uncover this (and we really did have to uncover it).
And I stood there for a minute in the quiet of it all.

Heather asked, "I wonder what Grandpa is doing today?"

And I knew.
I knew.

He's still my grandpa.
And he's STILL looking out for me.

oh, alright. there's a brother too.

not to be left out, here's a CLASSIC photo of you, little brother.


(and now, i promise, i'm done with the family love for a while...)

Sisters THREE

(let the record show, there are THREE GIRLS in the Christensen Family...and Holly, I know you would have been here too...and I love you....and look at us being all cute. Heather clearly wants little to do with us...grin. Thanks for your emails and prayers. xoxo)

Sister's Keeper

I'm fairly certain the following conversations actually took place this week between God and my oldest sister, Heather. (& I admit some literary license in the retelling of said conversations.)

MONDAY
God: I need you to get on a plane to be with Laurel.
Heather: I know. I'm trying. But she's insisting she is okay.
God: You insist harder. She showed courage but this is rough on her. She needs you while she gets over this first week of "missing".

WEDNESDAY
God: Rough night, wasn't it?
Heather: She has no regrets. But she's so sad.
God: I know. I know. The heart's a tricky thing.


THURSDAY
Heather: Today was a good day. We took the gift card the boy gave her for Christmas (to use on pedicures) and she bought a new pair of running shoes. She wants to be a runner in 2010. I think she might actually do it.
God: Oh, she will. She was born to be a runner. I've tried to tell her that before.
Heather: It helps that the shoes are really cute.
God: Sounds like my Laurel.

FRIDAY
God: You do realize you didn't just come to eat really good food, right?
Heather: Oh, we thought that was part of the "healing process".
God: [laughs]

SATURDAY
Heather: She chose the temple over shopping today. And then we went and got pedicures with the gift card the boy gave her.
God: I thought she used the gift card to buy the running shoes!
Heather: Well, she did. But...
God: Now THAT's my Laurel.


Dear Heather:
This was going to be a rough week for your sister. But, you helped her ask the right questions and remember how she felt last weekend. You helped her make sense of it all. As much as I was aware and as clearly as I was speaking to her, she needed you. And so did I. Thank you for being...your sister's keeper.
Love, God


This is us right after seeing YOUNG VICTORIA. Stop whatever you are doing right now and go see it. Seriously.
This is a sampling of just some of the yummy food this week.
And it just happens to be one of my favorite restaurants in all of SLC.
We SO thought we'd have leftovers to take home. Ooops.
Heather...43 yrs old and a pedicure virgin.
Me? Not so much. I do it all the time. I told her the "mindless magazines" are part of the experience.
How pretty are our feet? I think Heather is converted.

"I am the new year"

(from Bible Illustrator)

I am the New Year.

I am an unspoiled page in your book of time.
I am your next chance at the art of living.

I am your opportunity to practice what you have learned about life during the last twelve months.

All that you sought and didn't find is hidden in me,
waiting for you to search it but with more determination.

All the good that you tried for and didn't achieve is mine to grant
when you have fewer conflicting desires.

All that you dreamed but didn't dare do,
all that you hoped for but did not will,
all the faith that you claimed but did not have—
these slumber lightly,
waiting to be awakened by the touch of a strong purpose.

I am your opportunity to renew your allegiance
to Him who said, "Behold, I make all things new."

Well, hello, 2010.
My name is Laurel.
Not sure what you've heard about me...
but I have a feeling we are going to get along perfectly.

Let's give this a go, shall we?