Rested

Spent the day resting. No naps but did sleep in. No guilt. Just letting myself be the momma of a newborn and enjoy it again.

Did okay with eating. I've been feeling "off" all day, suspecting my gall bladder is acting up again. Extremely gassy, though I haven't eaten any offending foods.

Not much else to report. Just trying to push my way through these weird days. One up another down. Wish I could find a place of consistency.

Guilt.Guilt.Guilt.

It's been a rough week. Starting out, we had a birthday party this past weekend which afforded me far too many sugary options to resist. I also made a batch of cookies to send to church on Sunday night. Unfortunately, they not only didn't get all eaten, but all the leftover sweets were sent home with my family as well. Ugh.

So, I have had more sugar in the last several days that I probably have had in months. I've been feeling awful, to say the least. Physically but emotionally as well. I can't believe I have so little will power with food again.

I'm so tired all the time. I'm usually grumpy and worn and have no energy for anything. I know I'm not fun to be around and I CRAVE sleep.  I didn't get any sort of nap this past weekend, so I'm just dragging this week.  I've had a headache almost every day and I know that is sleep related.

So, all that whining explains why I've been hiding from my blog this week. I've not logged. I've not exercised, except for a little today. I feel like I'm just a mess.

I did, however, get up before my children this morning. I read my bible. I read my prayer book and prayed earnestly for myself and my children. I started breakfast and laundry before they were downstairs. I greeted them with a smile. I directed everyone in their morning chores. I took my 5 youngest children for a nice walk and stop at the school playground. We came home and switched some laundry and tidied the kitchen a bit. I read to them and enjoyed snack time with them. This has actually been my most productive day I've had in a long while.

I'm crashed out now, though. I just wish it was OKAY to let myself be tired and set aside my duties to rest or try to nap. I just can't get to that place where I feel allowed to do it. I either fear foolishness will abound and cause some trouble or I'm depressed over how much further behind we will be by not pushing forward with our schooling or character issues. However, I'm not sure how much real learning is happening when I'm this worn out. Sigh.

Either way, today is better than what I've seen for a while. I'm grateful for my quiet time on my porch this morning. I'm grateful I felt well enough to get up and spend time with the Lord. I'm grateful for a quiet house, at the moment, allowing me to get some of my thoughts and feelings out. I'm grateful for a sweet baby girl that needs her momma so much that I have reason to press forward in this struggle. I'm grateful for the duties that need doing and the children that need loving and the forgiveness that comes when I fail in both of those areas. I'm grateful, ever so grateful, that the Lord loves, understands, and is gentle with those who have young. Thank you, Lord.

Wednesday July 19, 2012

Today only just started. but the sleep I got is worthy of a post. :)  Only one wake up last night and that was after a 5 hour stretch of sleep!  I'm up at 7am and awake enough to stay that way!  Praying that means today will go well.  So much to do and I've been dragging this week with sleepless nights. Off to direct the morning a bit more, conquer some laundry, set up some schooling, walk down for a New Me hair cut, shop for a bday party this weekend, and keep a smile while I work. :)

I'll update tonight on how my expectations were met. ;)

Monday July 16, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Visit with friends for the day
Coffee with more friends tonight
Lovely drive by myself this evening
Baby was a dream today while we were visiting
Ate well, skipped the eating out at Sam's and came home to our beans waiting for us in the crockpot. Great choice over pizza at Sam's that I can't eat anyways. :)

Today's Not So Good Things:
Couldn't find time to get in any exercise. Too much running.
Munched on pretzels and animal crackers on the way home. White flour = Bad. But, Hungry won out.

Had a great day. Such a wonderful day. So loved visiting with friends today. I've missed them all so much. I've missed getting out so much. I've missed having just a teeny bit of time alone so much. And I missed my baby so much, so was thrilled to snuggle her when I got home. :)

Still thinking more and more about my gall bladder. Hoping to get in some calls this week so I can get an appointment with a doc. Praying about whether I keep working on dealing with this diet-wise or just have it removed. I have a constant sore ache every day in my ribs. I really don't want to spend the next year or whatever in pain and struggling just to have it needing to be removed later. Seems a waste of my time and energy where it's needed so many other places. Prayer for wisdom are so appreciated.

Otherwise, feeling great! Looking forward to our first day of Math Week tomorrow. Looking forward to enjoying some learning time with my kiddos, tackling our chores and then, hopefully, treating everyone to a shopping trip for new school supplies. We all love when school supplies are on sale.

I'm dreaming of an early morning walk before everyone is awake. I feel like I'm too ambitious to think I'll be able to open my eyes that much so early in the morning. But, it would be SO lovely. We'll see how the night goes for Kindred before I can know for sure.

Friday July 13, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Under on calories
Over on water
School and choring finished up well
23 min on Wii Fit
Better night of sleep
Shopping with my dd this evening

Today's Not So Good Things:
Still need to get more active in my day

I made great choices with eating today. No guilt.  The wii has me down 2.2 pounds since my last weigh-in. I'm thrilled. I really thought I'd see a gain over the last month+. Can't believe it's been that long since I weighed myself last. It felt great to see the scale going the right way. It felt good to exercise, though I could tell I have aways to go to get strong again. I'm going to do it, though. I feel like I'm just jumping back into the momentum I started before.

Shopping tonight was almost fun. I haven't like shopping for clothes for years. So depressing to see the sizes keep going up. Tonight I moved back into the ladies sizes for my tops, out of women's sizes. That felt great. Still have so far to go. But, it was really nice to shop for clothes that have some shape to them instead of a big sheet covering my body.

I'm excited for my husband to see my new outfit. We're attending his company outing with our three oldest children next week. We'll be deep sea fishing and then going for lunch near the ocean. I wanted to wear something nice and non-frumpy. I want him to be proud of his wife, the mother of those eight children that he gets so much flack about.  Now, to be sure I get a cute hair cut next week and I think we'll be good. :) 

I have one week. How much can I really accomplish in a week? It feels like I can't really make a huge difference, but I've decided to give it all I have. I'm going to take some measurements tomorrow and plan to get in some decent exercise every day and see what happens. It doesn't seem like I can do enough to make a noticeable difference, but I know *I* will notice. And, for now, that's what I care about. If I attend this even with all of those professionals wearing my head high because I know I'm getting stronger, I am working hard, I have already come a long way, AND I have an amazing family to be proud of, then the day will be a complete success. 

Can you tell I've never attended a company event like this? Yes, I'm shaking at my keyboard and talking big to keep myself psyched up. It can work, though. ;)  That and keeping my eyes focused on where my real worth lies.

He must become greater, I must become less.

Thursday July 12, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Logged: ended the day under on calories
My new neighbor came by with cookies to welcome us to the neighborhood. I enjoyed one after dinner and so far, so good on gb reaction status.
My husband sent me to bed after dinner and I snuck in a tiny, but needed nap.
Worked on my new summer school schedule for the coming weeks
Schooling AND choring got done today

Today's No So Good Things:
Wasn't able to get in the exercise on the wii I had been planning all day
Woke up dragging and crabby today, leading us to a very late start in our day
Not getting in enough water

I feel like today was good, now that everyone is in bed and I've had some rest. Earlier I wouldn't have had the same response. I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a bus. I could barely function to use the bathroom at 5am this morning. I sent myself promptly back to bed and didn't get up until 8:30. Mind you, I'm not sleeping all that time, as baby is with me in bed doing her famous Latch-On/Latch-Off Karate Kid style.  That's her preferred method of sleep from about 2am on.  Leaves this momma catching an intermittent z here and there. But, mostly playing zone guard so Daddy doesn't roll over on her and I don't suffocate the sweet little thing. Doesn't produce nourishing sleep for me.  Alas, this too shall pass, as I well know.

I'm working on a summer school schedule for the next couple of months. We started back to school a few weeks ago, but it isn't going very well. Everyone is having a hard time concentrating, most of all me. I'm not doing well keeping little occupied and bigs on track. A mentor friend of mine suggested we try one subject each week instead of trying to cover multiple ones each day. I think this may just be what my tired, foggy brain needs at this moment. To only have to think about one subject all day long sounds like a tremendous relief and will eliminate a lot of guilt. So, I'm building my spreadsheet this week in hopes that it will be useful instead of just make me feel depressed because I'm now seeing in black in white just how far behind we really are. It's an intimidating document, that's for sure. But, without vision the people perish, right?

I'm pleased with my food choices today. I feel better than yesterday. One more day to push through until the weekend when I can get a bit of extra rest, I hope. I'm going to hold out hope that we can have an earlier start tomorrow and just possibly I could get in some wii time along with our regular activities.

Wednesday July 11, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Followed my diet restrictions
Fought off another gb attack this afternoon with apple juice. Found out that really works.
Evening walk and fun at the park with the fam
Making some changes with schooling and really hoping it comes together
Mornings are going better
Logged on mfp

Today's Not So Good Things:
Snacked on a bag of cookies after lunch - wondering if that was my trigger
Major gb attack last night-woke me up even-needed meds. Ouch. :(
Tired. Oh. So. Tired.
More crabby kiddos, extremely so.

Starting to wonder if I need to make some connections on what they are eating to behavior as well. Haven't seen a couple of my girls this way before.  I took them to Wendy's for lunch yesterday as a treat. I had a salad but let them pick what they wanted. Chicken nuggets and then I got them each a Frosty.  I couldn't believe the behavior I saw today. I'm wondering if the food had something to do with it. :-?

I woke up about an hour into sleeping with terrible pain. Well, it was actually nausea but it progressed so fast I was moving like crazy looking for relief. I've been told apple juice or apple sauce works, so I booked it downstairs to get some applesauce down. The relief couldn't come soon enough, though. I didn't have lemon juice or apple juice on hand, so I just went for the meds that they gave me at the ER. Instant relief, I tell ya'. Well, not instant, but within 5-10 minutes. I was really surprised to see it work that fast. Or, maybe the applesauce helped some too? I don't know, but it was really defeating. I had worked hard that day to make careful choices. Especially as my husband took me out that night for dinner and there was only ONE thing on the Olive Garden menu that I could really eat. Yet, I still had a foul reaction. So sad. Then, on the way home from the grocery store, my nausea and tightness started to pick up again. By the time I got home, I was sending my son to the corner store for apple juice. (no idea why I didn't get some while I was shopping.)  That really helped. But, MAN do I HATE drinking so many calories!! I have never liked drinking juice bc it's so empty of fiber and yet so loaded with calories. Yet, juice seems to be helping me right now, so I need to adapt, I guess.

With all that, I've been afraid to eat anything. And tonight, I'm afraid to lie down for fear that will trigger an attack as well. I never had to be so careful, I am so frustrated that I have to avoid so many foods right now. Anyone reading, please pray for me to best understand what is the best course of action regarding this issue. Please pray I can find a doctor to help me make a wise choice. We have no leads on doctors in our area and I'm feeling pressed to find someone I can talk with soon.

On the upside, I had my pp appointment yesterday and all seemed well. The abdominal pain I'm having is likely diastasis, so I'll need to work on that. I'm hoping to start Ttapp again and that may help. Otherwise, I will look into more exercises designed to target that issue. Also, I weighed-in at 208, so at least I haven't gained what I was fearing I gained since Kindred was born. Now to just work at keeping off anymore.  Honestly, the scale isn't as high a priority to me right now as getting my gall bladder healthy and strengthening my body to ward off the aches and pains.

I'm off to try to sleep now. Fear or no fear, I'm completely exhausted and desparately need to sleep.

Monday July 9, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Resisted a lot of treats today
Made a good choice with my extra calories tonight
Had a good start to my day
No soda :)
Prepped my citrus water
Tracked my food

Today's Not So Good Things:
No exercise
Stressful day with crabby children
Overdid it with my afternoon snack

Today was a good Monday. Hoping tomorrow is a good repeat. I'm doing better with my food choices. Feeling better about some of my limitation. Becoming more aware of my portion choices and remembering those habits I have regarding stress/boredom/fatigue eating.

Just tucked baby in for an early bedtime. I'm going to eat up my yummy fat free plain greek yogurt mixed with frozen fruit and then drift off to sleep. :)

Holiday week- July 4th

Lots of friends and cookouts and activity.  It made it hard to be wise with my choices and I saw an embarrassing lack of will power on my part. It's like will power is a muscle. Once you haven't used it for a while it grows very weak.

I'm feeling bloated and sluggish. My nights with baby have been very difficult, so I keep thinking its the lack of sleep. But, my food choices have been rather lazy and I think that's a big factor as well.  The last two days have been better. I'm focusing on fruits and vegies to clean my system out a bit. I'm also learning and trying to make some kind of plan for eating to get my gall bladder healthy.  It's still creating some pain and issues so I guess the Lord finally found the perfect way to get me to let go of the pizza, chips, and ice cream that I've always enjoyed with my husband.  So far, I've found that my greek yogurt with frozen fruit replaces the ice cream well. Peanuts and even carrot sticks give me something to crunch in place of the chips.  But, my pizza. I'm just going to miss pizza so much.

Slept in long today, thanks to my wonderful husband.  Had a large apple for breakfast. I'm still getting used to the fact that I can eat so much fruit now and first thing in the day.  The GD diet had my brain wired a different direction, so when I reach for a piece of fruit, I tend to feel like it's a bad choice. Reprogramming.

Off to enjoy lunch with the fam and hopefully get a house project done for the day.

Gall Bladder Issues

I found some time last night to get in a bit of reading about gall bladders and diets that can keep them healthy.  While I felt like I found some places that gave me some better understanding, I'm still a little unsure on the diet aspect of it. 

This article was helpful in understanding how the gall bladder functions.  Reading through, I'm feeling more confident that I'd prefer to work at avoiding the surgery if I am able.  I liked what I read afa their suggestions for diet. But, it does contradict a tiny bit with some other sources I've read.  I think what it's going to come down to is a bit of trial and error on my part learning what my personal triggers are.  So far, I've noticed these:

Gall Bladder Pain Triggers: (create nausea and/or upper abdominal pains)

Soda (diet or regular)
Potato chips
Pizza
Heavy cheeses

I'm reading in some places that peanuts are very beneficial. Other places tell me to avoid them. :-/ So far, our natural peanut butter hasn't given my trouble, but I'm going to target that food this week and see what I find.

I'm also researching the use of psyllium husk as a preventative tool. The points listed in this article look promising. I plan to contact my midwife and go over the use of it in combination with the other supplements I'm taking and check to be sure there are no adverse affects with nursing.

I'm considering adding fish to my menu. I never serve fish because I find it costly and I'm not confident in how I prepare it. Now that I need to avoid butter, it will be even trickier. But, the fish oils appear to be very beneficial and it would be one of the few proteins I can enjoy in moderation. I'll have to spend some time price shopping what is available here.

That's my research and notes for now. I'll add more as I go.

Monday July 2, 2012

Today's Good Things:
No soda :)
Short walk after lunch
Family walk after dinner
Ate raw at each meal

Today's Not So Good Things:
Poor choices for snacks
Missed a lot of sleep last night so was dragging and very sedentary all day

Was super hungry at mid-morning and went with the easy-out...animal crackers with the littles. Boo.  Also added some chocolate chips to my peanuts this afternoon. Well, I add peanuts to my choc chips because I've been munching on those too much lately. So, maybe it was actually an improvement.

I'm using MFP right now but not as exact as I could. I don't have the patience to enter in my recipes, so I'm guessing a bit on some things.

I really liked getting out after lunch today. The rest of this week will be hot, so I'm going to aim for some after lunch exercise on the wii instead. I need the stress release right now as much as the exercise.

Feeling pretty good about my start this week. Just the fact that I'm here logging in is a step in the right direction. I'm not where I used to be, but I'm not where I *used* to be either. In fact, I'm here in July and that's really good for my pp habits. Hopefully, I can at least curb the 20lb pp gain I usually do if not see significant loss right now. I sure do want to work for the loss, though.