Guilt.Guilt.Guilt.

It's been a rough week. Starting out, we had a birthday party this past weekend which afforded me far too many sugary options to resist. I also made a batch of cookies to send to church on Sunday night. Unfortunately, they not only didn't get all eaten, but all the leftover sweets were sent home with my family as well. Ugh.

So, I have had more sugar in the last several days that I probably have had in months. I've been feeling awful, to say the least. Physically but emotionally as well. I can't believe I have so little will power with food again.

I'm so tired all the time. I'm usually grumpy and worn and have no energy for anything. I know I'm not fun to be around and I CRAVE sleep.  I didn't get any sort of nap this past weekend, so I'm just dragging this week.  I've had a headache almost every day and I know that is sleep related.

So, all that whining explains why I've been hiding from my blog this week. I've not logged. I've not exercised, except for a little today. I feel like I'm just a mess.

I did, however, get up before my children this morning. I read my bible. I read my prayer book and prayed earnestly for myself and my children. I started breakfast and laundry before they were downstairs. I greeted them with a smile. I directed everyone in their morning chores. I took my 5 youngest children for a nice walk and stop at the school playground. We came home and switched some laundry and tidied the kitchen a bit. I read to them and enjoyed snack time with them. This has actually been my most productive day I've had in a long while.

I'm crashed out now, though. I just wish it was OKAY to let myself be tired and set aside my duties to rest or try to nap. I just can't get to that place where I feel allowed to do it. I either fear foolishness will abound and cause some trouble or I'm depressed over how much further behind we will be by not pushing forward with our schooling or character issues. However, I'm not sure how much real learning is happening when I'm this worn out. Sigh.

Either way, today is better than what I've seen for a while. I'm grateful for my quiet time on my porch this morning. I'm grateful I felt well enough to get up and spend time with the Lord. I'm grateful for a quiet house, at the moment, allowing me to get some of my thoughts and feelings out. I'm grateful for a sweet baby girl that needs her momma so much that I have reason to press forward in this struggle. I'm grateful for the duties that need doing and the children that need loving and the forgiveness that comes when I fail in both of those areas. I'm grateful, ever so grateful, that the Lord loves, understands, and is gentle with those who have young. Thank you, Lord.

Thursday, May 31 2012

Today's Good Things:
Extra rest and a morning nap
Seeing better diapers

Today's Not So Good Things:
Feeling so hungry so I keep eating. Ugh
Ice cream with the fam for dessert (just 2 small scoops at least)
No activity at all. Just too tired to do anything.
A bit behind on feeding every 2 hours. Need to stay strict with that because it def shows improvement in her diapers and sleep pattern at night.

Well, May is going out with a snooze for me. I'm actually excited for the calendar to change simply for the fact that I've been thinking about the month of May for SOOOO long now. It's nice to turn the page and move on to the next season.

Tonight I sent the fam to bed a little early. My husband already turned in. I'm going to enjoy some quiet while I enjoy some cluster feeding with my little Kindli-girl.  She sure is yummy. :)

I have a friend coming tomorrow, so that will definitely be some motivation toward a bit of activity by way of tidying up the house. Not too much, mind you. I don't mind having the excuse of a newborn to dismiss the general mess lying about. ;)  I'm looking forward to the weekend, though. Hoping to get out for a drive so we can find a local swimming beach for the summer as well as some hiking trails in our new area. Last summer the children and I purposed to visit a few new trails and it was really fun. Hoping to do the same once I'm on my feet again.

I'd like to spend some time looking at different options for logging my food and exercise this weekend. Also hoping I can start adding in an evening walk with the family after dinner soon. Slow and Steady, right?  I guess that's why they call them Baby Steps. ;)