King of the Mountain

I was 15 when I was dropped off for a Saturday matinee of Brian DePalma's brilliant adaptation of Stephen King's first novel, Carrie. I had read the novel the year before and was in the midst of reading "'Salem's Lot" when Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie gave two of the most amazing performances in the history of the genre. Since then there has been a really awful sequel; a musical (revived and revised for a recent Off Broadway production which is now being done by community theatre companies everywhere); a drag parody of the musical and a TV remake starring Angela Bettis and Patricia Clarkson. Yesterday a new version opened, starring Chloe Grace Moritz and Julianne Moore, two actresses I admire (along with Judy Greer - whom I adore - in the Betty Buckley role). The reviews have been tepid and I won't be rushing out to pay $11.50 to see it, any time soon. 

To mark the occasion, TribecaFilm.com has come up with their list of the Top 20 Stephen King movies. Their list is very different from mine. Of course, art is completely subjective and King is notoriously difficult to adapt for the screen. Your list will probably be different than mine. And that's good. Still, in response, here are my Top Ten plus my Five Worst Stephen King movie adaptations:

THE BEST:

10. Pet Sematary. Based on the book King claims to have had to put away for several years because it gave him nightmares, director Mary Lambert's TV star-filled film is very, very creepy. The last project for the late Fred Gwynn, this atmospheric movie works so well because they all seem like such ordinary people (the strength of all of King's characters). Of course, there is that screaming living corpse of a sister in the back bedroom...

9. The Dead Zone. David Cronenberg's 1983 crack at King is a true anomaly - a film that's actually better than the novel on which it's based. Of course, much of that is thanks to Christopher Walken's performance as a man who awakens from a coma with a gift he doesn't want and a dilemma to rival Hamlet's. Oh, and Martin Sheen's Greg Stillson is a far cry from Jed Bartlett.

8. The Mist. Underrated and misunderstood, Frank Darabont (who has two other amazing King movies to his credit) finally made the film version of one of King's most popular novella's with an amazing cast and an ending (which some claim is nihilistic) that's far superior to King's rather ambiguous original. Darabont should make every Stephen King movie for as long as he can.

7. Misery. Kathy Bates' Oscar-winning performance as James Caan's insane greatest fan is absolutely chilling. Rob Reiner's second King movie is a doozy!

6. Christine. John Carpenter's King movie surprisingly holds up quite well after 30 years, mostly thanks to the performance of Keith Gordon as a boy whose evil car turns him evil, as well.

5. Stand By Me. Rob Reiner's nostalgic adaptation of King's novella "The Body" (itself supposedly based on a true event from King's own childhood) is a classic for so many reasons, least of all it's young cast.

4. Carrie. Brian DePalma's 70's teen-angst horror movie is very nearly perfect, despite the very silly tuxedo scene and the deliberately dizzying prom dance. Spacek is the embodiment of King's character (despite him describing her as overweight) and Piper Laurie is just stunning as the religious zealot Margaret White (a name Uncle P uses to troll Westboro Baptist Church). And that shock ending has been copied countless times, since.

3. Apt Pupil. Bryan Singer's version of King's novella stars the late Brad Renfro as a young man who discovers that his kindly old neighbor (Ian McKellan) is a Nazi hiding in suburban America. McKellan is brilliant, as usual, but Refro's transformation is the real horror here.

2. Dolores Claiborne. Kathy Bates makes her second appearance as a King character in Taylor Hackford's absorbing and gorgeous adaptation of the story of a woman accused of killing her long-time employer and the strength she found to escape an abusive husband.

1. The Green Mile. Frank Darabont's version of King's serialized novel is very nearly perfect. The late Michael Clarke Duncan gives a performance to match every other amazing performance from Tom Hanks, Michael Jeter, Sam Rockwell, Bonnie Hunt and Patricia Clarkson. I weep like a baby every time I see it.

Honorable mentions: The Shawshank Redemption; Cujo; Creepshow; Needful Things; 1408; Hearts in Atlantis.

THE WORST:

5. The Shining. Kubrick made a terrific horror movie, but an absolutely atrocious version of what well may be King's best novel. Even King hates it. Of course, the TV version isn't much better. Give me $80M and I'll make a version of "The Shining" that will make you poop your pants.

4. Graveyard Shift. Bad acting, bad script and bad special effects make this story about killer rats silly, rather than scary.

3. Maximum Overdrive. Even King himself couldn't make a scary movie out his very silly short story "Trucks." Emilio Estevez doesn't help.

2. The Mangler. Poltergeist director Tobe Hooper's ridiculous movie about a demonic ironing machine isn't helped by the presence of genre favs Robert Englund and Ted Levine. 

1. The Lawnmower Man. Even the then gorgeous Jeff Fahey can't help this POS, which has absolutely NOTHING to do with King's story about pagan gods. King successfully sued to have his name removed from this CGI cyber-nonsense.

Dishonorable mentions: The Night Flyer; The Secret Window; Silver Bullet; Children of the Corn

I have a copy of King's latest novel, "Doctor Sleep" sitting on my coffee table. It's the sequel to "The Shining" and I can't wait to dig in. I suppose I'll be taking it to Florida with me when I visit my sister for Christmas.

More, anon.
Prospero

Golden Obsessions

The Latest Poster for 'Carrie'

That's Golden Globe winner Julianne Moore as Margaret White on the latest poster for the third film version of Stephen King's debut novel, Carrie. The novel, published in 1973, was set in 1979 - the year I graduated high school.* Director Brian De Palma adapted the book into his classic 1976 film starring Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie. It was unlike any horror movie that had come before and featured a shocking ending sequence which had audiences reeling (it was also the Feature Film debut of Scientologist John Travolta). In 2002, the movie was remade for television, starring Angela Bettis (May; The Woman) and Patricia Clarkson ("Six Feet Under;" The Green Mile). The best that can be said about it is that it was 'less-than-successful.'

Director Kimberly Pierce (Boys Don't Cry; Stop-Loss) has revisited the story for a new generation with Chloe  Grace Moritz (Let Me In) in the title role and Moore as her religiously fanatic mother. Both Spacek and Laurie were Oscar nominees for their extraordinary performances in DePalma's version. And while I know Moritz has her detractors (I'm talking to you, JA), if anyone can best them, it's Moritz and Moore. I've been a fan of Ms Moore since 1992's The Hand that Rocks the Cradle and Moritz has been on my radar since 2010's Kick-Ass. I think I have to add Carrie to the small list of remakes (along with Evil Dead) to which I am actually looking forward to seeing.

And linking the Golden Globes to my many obsessions, here's a clip of one of my biggest obsessions, presenting an award to another of my obessions:

Seriously, it should be illegal to be as hot as Statham is. And yes, Adele totally deserved to win over Taylor Swift, and not just because Swift is a fickle slut (I didn't just type that, did I?).

And while we're (well, I'm) on the subject of obsessions, Cirque du Soleil has added a new act to their "adult" show in Las Vegas, Zumanity. "Scottish Fantasy" features a very hot hula-hooping act in a tiny kilt designed by Thierry Mugler:

And just in case you haven't seen it before, here's one of the reasons I love Zumanity:



Let's see how well I sleep after after that, tonight...

*Damn, I'm old!

More, anon.
Prospero

Heeeere's Disappointment!

Not Nearly as Creepy as They Should Have Been

Prolific Horror author Stephen King's third (and one of his best) novel "The Shining" is an epic masterpiece about ghosts, madness, ancient evil and familial terror. When I first read it, it was the most terrifying and fascinating novel I'd ever read. And I ate it up like manna. 

You can't begin to imagine how excited I was to hear that one of the greatest filmmakers of all time was going to adapt one of the best ghost novels of all time into a feature film. I remember sitting in the theater before The Shining started, nearly peeing my pants in anticipation of what I thought was going to be the scariest movie ever made. The film started out so promising... Wendy Carlos' (The Exorcist) and Rachel Elkind's booming score was amazing. Jack Nicholson and Scatman Crothers seemed perfectly cast. I could live with Shelley Duvall as Wendy and Danny Lloyd seemed just right as Danny. 

But as the movie unfolded, it soon became clear that Kubrick's vision had very little to do with King's. Nicholson, rather than a contrite alcoholic who wanted to make things right, seemed mad from the start and Duvall was hardly the strong-willed Wendy from the book. All of the hotel's backstory was made irrelevant and the roque court and wasp's nest were dismissed out of hand, while the topiary garden was replaced with a hedge maze. WTF!?!? In King's novel, everything has meaning and all of the events are tied together. In Kubrick's movie, nothing has true relevance and events that are explained in the book remain completely random in the film. 

It's not as if I don't get what Kubrick was going for. He obviously wanted to create a disorienting atmosphere for his audience. Okay. But why would he deviate so far from King's very effective novel? Why abandon so many of King's ideas? Why present glimpses of scenarios so important to the book's narrative without any context to the plot? When Jack killed Dick Halloran with an ax to his chest, I gave up. This was by no means the movie I had hoped it would be.

Now, before you all go nuts on me and start complaining about how brilliant this movie is, I must ask: Have you read the book? Because just about everyone I know who read the novel, hated the movie. Conversely, those who saw the movie without reading the book, loved it. And I totally get both points of views, though I will go to my grave saying that Kubrick completely failed in adapting King's novel.

Radc

Mick Garris' 1997 TV miniseries version is a little more faithful to the novel (and Rebecca DeMornay makes a much more convincing Wendy), but still disappoints on so many other levels.

The Shining remains on my list of 10 Fantasy/Horror/Sci-Fi Movies that Should Be Remade.

Meanwhile... King's son, writing under the pseudonym Joe Hill, had a brilliant debut novel with his own modern ghost story "Heart-Shaped Box," though his second (and inferior) novel "Horns" is being adapted for the screen, starring Harry Potter himself, Daniel Radcliffe. The film adaptation of "Heart-Shaped Box" remains in 'turn-around.'

More, anon.
Prospero

Another Remake I Don't Mind

Chloe Grace Moretz as Carrie

I was not quite a High School Freshman when I first read Stephen King's debut novel "Carrie" in 1974 (yes, we've established that I'm old). It was set in 1979, the year I was going to graduate. In my class was a young lady who very much reminded me of Carrie: shy, odd, withdrawn... in the callous way that young teens can be cruel, my friends and I occasionally referred to her as 'Carrie' (I very much regret that, by the way).

When Brian DePalma's amazing film adaptation came out in 1976, I was stunned by not only Sissy Spacek's and Piper Laurie's performances, but also DePalma's direction. I'd never seen a movie like it and I was in awe. I can't even tell you how many times I've seen Carrie since then. Certainly more than a few dozen. And it never fails to move and entertain me. Those split-screen shots are just incredible.

Flash forward 36 years later and director Kimberly Pierce (Boys Don't Cry) is currently shooting a theatrical remake (I don't want to talk about David Carson's 2002 TV remake, which despite a script by Bryan Fuller and good performances by Angela Bettis and Patricia Clarkson, failed on almost every level), starring Chloe Grace Moretz (Let Me In); Julianne Moore (The Kids Are All Right) and the always amazing and underrated Judy Greer. And despite what one of my fellow horror bloggers has to say about her, I think Moretz is one of the finest young actresses working in film today and I can't wait to see what she does with the role. As for for Moore - she's been robbed of awards before (her performance in Far From Heaven is just heartbreaking) and I imagine her take on religious zealot Margaret White will be nothing less than amazing.

DePalma's film, as good as it is, is a little dated and a bit corny (the tuxedo scene always seemed out of place, even way back then) and the TV version is bound by the conventions of the medium. If anyone can pull off a decent remake, it's Pierce, who demonstrated an intense insight into the psyche of an outsider in her first film (which garnered Hillary Swank her first Oscar).

Spacek and Laurie both earned Oscar nominations for their performances in the original, but AMPAS' aversion to Horror as a serious genre kept them from winning. Let's hope that Pierce can work her magic and earn her leads the awards their predecessors deserved.

The original also featured Scream Queen PJ Soles (Halloween); Broadway superstar Betty Buckley; TV superhero William Katt; Steven Spielberg's first wife Amy Irving; DePalma's ex-wife Nancy Allen; brilliant comedienne Edie McClurg and the second film appearance by alleged masseur-groper and avowed Scientologist, John Travolta (he was in a terrible, though iconic little horror movie called The Devil's Rain, previously). What a cast! 

And while I have every confidence that Pierce will deliver a competent and frightening version of King's novel, I doubt she'll be able to top this:

And the less said about the two productions of the stage musical, the better.

More, anon.
Prospero

Give Me $30M and I'll Scare the Crap Out of You

Sorry about the delay. I started this post very late and then decided I needed to think about it some more.

Anyway... An actor friend and I have been trying to plan a Man Date for some time now. We both love horror films and decided that we must see see Dario Argento's Dracula 3D together. The movie is currently showing at Cannes, where it has received wildly mixed reviews. I sent Jimmy a link to a viciously bad one and he sent me a link to a glowing one. He also mentioned a documentary about the making of Stanley Kubrick's version of The Shining, a film Uncle P really doesn't like very much at all (and I've said so here, before). And I'll tell you why.

Stephen King's third published novel caught me completely off guard when I first read it back in 1977. The story of an alcoholic playwright who takes a job as the winter caretaker of a Colorado hotel and is consequently driven mad by the many ghosts who inhabit it, The Shining was the first novel I ever read that actually gave me goosebumps. Jack, Wendy and Danny Torrence were a family about whom King made you care about and then fear for. When it was announced that none other than the great Stanley Kubrick was making the film version, I was practically ecstatic. And then Kubrick blew it. 

Woefully miscast (with the exception of Scatman Crothers as the cook, Dick Halloran) and with so many changes to and deviations from the source material as to be practically unrecognizable, Kubrick's film actually angered me when I first saw it. In the novel, a sober Jack Torrence is a reasonable and likeable fellow, who slowly descends into madness thanks to the machinations of the malevolent forces that haunt the hotel. In the hands of Jack Nicholson (who by then had already established a film persona), Jack starts out pretty crazy and his escalation into full madness is hardly shocking or surprising. Jack's wife Wendy, a strong self-aware woman in the book, comes off as a wimpy nerd in Shelly Duvall's performance. And the less said about the very annoying Danny Lloyd, the better.  As for Kubrick and Diane Johnson's screenplay, don't get me started. I understand that the technology for rendering a believable living  topiary garden wasn't available in 1979, but the hedge maze isn't really a very good substitute. And what about the roque mallets; the wasps' nest; the pornographic clock; the faulty boiler and all the back-stories of the hotel's former guests? Gone, gone, gone. Instead, we are given unexplained glimpses of things that happened (the dog-masked fellator; the woman in the bathtub; the twins). In the book, all of these characters are given credence for their inclusion in the story. In Kubrick's film, they are merely weird things to look at, which have no bearing on the plot. Kubrick even went so far as to completely change the ending; SPOILER ALERT killing Halloran and leaving Jack to freeze to death in the maze. In the book, Jack (an unrecognizable monster after repeated bashing his own face with a roque mallet) dies as the hotel explodes from the long-ignored boiler in the basement.

I know plenty of people who love this movie. Not one of them has ever read the book. Everyone I know who has read the book, doesn't really like the movie, either. Even King doesn't like the movie and has said that Kubrick drove him crazy while filming, often phoning in the middle of the night to discuss odd details or strange ideas he wanted to include. Objectively, as a movie on it's own, I won't deny that Kubrick's film is brilliant. It has several iconic moments and images. But it's just not very true to King's terrifying novel in any number of ways.

In 1997, director (and friend of King's) Mick Garris made a two-part TV movie of The Shining starring Stephen Weber, Rebecca De Mornay and Melvin Van Peebles. While Garris' version is holds closer to the novel than Kubrick's, the limits of television kept him from making a truly frightening version of the novel. 

The budget for Kubrick's version (according to IMDb) was around $22M. Adjusted for inflation, that's probably somewhere near $100M today. Garris' 1997 budget was $25M. I know and love this novel. I've read it probably five or six times. It's probably my third favorite novel of all time. So here's my challenge - give me $30M, a cast of unknowns and final edit, and I promise you I could make a version of The Shining that is truer to the source and scarier than any piece of crap that a hack like Oren Pelli could ever hope to make. 

I'm not bragging. I'm just saying.

More, anon.
Prospero

They're All Gonna Laugh at You!

Sissy Spacek in Brian DePalma's 1976 version of "Carrie"

Uncle P is old. I was in high school when Brian DePalma adapted Stephen King's first novel into an incredibly well-acted movie, starring Sissy Spacek; Amy Irving; William Katt; John Travolta; Nancy Allen; PJ Soles; Betty Buckley and the incomparable Piper Laurie as Carrie's religious nut-job mother. I wasn't old enough to drive and none of my friends wanted to see it, so I somehow convinced my mother to drop me off at the Eric Twin in Fairless Hills on a Saturday afternoon, where the bored girl in the box-office almost sold me a ticket to the soft-core porn version of Tarzan, which was also playing there. But I was a die-hard horror fan (and a relatively naive kid), so I opted to see my first choice. I had read and loved King's novel (structured in the form of diary entries, newspaper articles and court transcripts, much like Stoker's Dracula) and really wanted to see the film version.

I had no idea how much I was going to love this movie. But love it, I did. Like so many movies, the details of the first time I saw Carrie are firmly entrenched in my memory as one of a few 'perfect' films of my youth. Sure, it had some silly moments (the tuxedo scene; Edie McClurg being at least 10 years too old to be a high-schooler; that damned spinning dance scene), but Spacek was absolutely brilliant. Laurie even more so (they both garnered Oscar nominations). And DePalma's use of split-screen during the prom had me losing my mind. Carrie's eerie candlelit arrival at home; the washing off of the pig's blood; the crucifixion of Paul re-enacted on Carrie's mother. All of it amazing and new and terrifying. I had never seen a movie quite like it. And then there was that ending! As Sue Snell (Irving) knelt to lay flowers on the decimated ground where Carrie's house once stood and that hand popped up through the rocks... I practically leapt from my seat in surprise. I waited outside the theater to picked up, breathless and so excited by what I had just seen -- only to be further unnerved by a fellow who, also waiting for a ride, wanted to tell me all about how the government was testing people just like Carrie to use as weapons in the cold war (the Berlin Wall still stood strong at the time). I nodded and tried not to be freaked out and was exceedingly relieved to see Mom pull up in the family's VW station wagon to pick me up.

I was so very disappointed by Bryan ("Pushing Daisies") Fuller's 2002 TV adaptation, which starred Angela Bettis (May; The Woman) and Patricia Clarkson (The Green Mile; Shutter Island). Bettis and Clarkson were fine, but Fuller's teleplay tried too hard to include everything in King's novel and the result was too long and too... messy. And the limits of television censorship crippled the film in the same way it did Mick Farris' versions of The Stand and The Shining.

MGM recently announced yet another remake, this time starring Chloe Grace Moritz (Kick Ass; Let Me In) in the title role and Julianne Moore (The Kids Are Alright) as Margaret White. This, of course, on the heels of an updated Off-Broadway revival of the infamously disastrous Broadway musical version. As much as I love both Moritz and Moore, I'm not sure that Boys Don't Cry and Stop-Loss director Kimberly Pierce is right for this project (though I think "Glee" and "Big Love" writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa is as good a choice as any to write it). 

Regular readers know how I generally feel about remakes, but remakes have been around almost as long as movies themselves. While DePalma's original version of Carrie may have been perfect for audiences of the mid-seventies, who is to say that audiences 35 years later don't deserve their own version? With bullying so malignantly prevalent among today's youth, they just night need to be scared into stopping it. I just hope the makers of the new version don't give us reason to laugh at it.

More, anon.
Prospero

Adapting Stephen King

Writer/Director Mick Garris is a friend of Stephen King's. He directed the mostly excellent TV version of The Stand; the more-faithful-to-the-novel TV version of The Shining; the direct-to-video version of Riding the Bullet and the TV version of Desperation (which makes no sense without its companion piece The Regulators, which was written under King's pseudonym, Richard Bachman). Most of Garris' versions of King's works are just okay. They certainly can't compare with Frank Darabont's astoundingly good film adaptations of Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile or The Mist.

Garris is back with a two-part mini-series version of King's ghost story Bag of Bones airing tonight and tomorrow on the A&E network. Since I rarely watch TV in real time (I love my DVR), I won't be reviewing Bag of Bones until Tuesday. But I thought I'd share my thoughts on Garris' (and other directors') takes on King's works.

King is difficult to adapt to film. His novels often rely on emotional reactions to what is happening on the page, and that's not always easy to convey on film. And while King's plots and premises are often silly, he is quite skilled at developing characters about whom the reader grows to care. When awful things happen to those characters, it's easy for a reader to get caught up in those characters' emotional responses to whatever outrageous things are going on around them. Few film directors have been able to capture that. Brian DePalma (Carrie); Lewis Teague (Cujo); David Cronenberg (The Dead Zone); Rob Reiner (Stand by Me) and - to a lesser degree - Mikael Hafstrom (1408); John Carpenter (Christine); Mary Lambert (Pet Semetary) and George Romero (Creepshow; Monkey Shines; The Dark Half) have all had some degree of success with adapting King's works. And while there are plenty of folks who adore Stanley Kubrick's version of The Shining, I have never been anything less than disappointed with that brilliant film which completely ignores a full third of the novel and makes so many changes to the story that renders it almost unrecognizable from it's source material. None of these movies can compare to Darabont's films in capturing King's intent, though a few come close. And don't even get me started on the many dreadful adaptions of King's novels and short stories, one of which was directed by King, himself.

Garris is limited by what American TV standards will allow. His version of The Shining, while closer to the novel, because of standards imposed by the FCC, omits all of the truly twisted sexual passages King wrote. And while Garris' version of The Stand is quite good (though often miscast), I imagine the proposed theatrical version might be better. Garris is a decent director, and his adaptations of King's novels are workmanlike and serviceable. Still, they don't always succeed in capturing the essence of what King manages to convey on the page. Not to be a naysayer, but I hope he is not involved with the upcoming TV version of The Talisman*, King's brilliant novel co-authored with Peter Straub (another amazing author whose work has been abused by Hollywood).

I'll let you know what I think of Bag of Bones once I've seen the whole thing. In the meantime, here's the trailer:

And here's a teaser trailer (which I've posted before) for a movie version of The Talisman (one of my favorite modern novels, ever) which never got made:

*Which partially takes place in the same universe as King's "The Dark Tower."

More, anon.
Prospero

Watch It While You Can

I have not fallen victim to Stieg Larson's "Girl" trilogy (which was apparently planned to be a 10 book series before Larson died). I know lots of my coworkers at the Day Job have been passing them around or reading them on their Kindles.

Lately, I've had little time to read, though I did read while in Florida, and it was glorious to do so. I polished off "Horns," by Joe Hill (Stephen King's son) and "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" by Seth Grahame-Smith. Both were immensely entertaining, though neither was actually scary. The latter is scheduled for a 2012 film adaptation by Russian director Timur Bekmambetov. I really loved how much research went in Grahame-Smith's novel and thought he found some clever ways to incorporate actual history into his alt-history tale of vampires and how they inspired Lincoln to free the slaves. Of course, Grahame-Smith's "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" is also on track for a movie version.

And last Tuesday, while waiting in the Outpatient Family Waiting Room as Mom had a minor procedure performed, I finally started King's 1084-page opus, "Under the Dome." I got through the first 60 pages or so. I certainly enjoyed what I read, but haven't had the time or opportunity to read more, since. Maybe when I go to Chicago on business at the end of July.

Every one I know who has read Larson's books says they are "...terrific, but you have to stick with it, at first." These days, I mostly just wait for the movie. And that's kind of sad. Anyway, my point is, the Red Band trailer for the U.S. remake starring Daniel Craig has been leaked onto YouTube. I don't know how long it will be there, so catch it while you can:

Umm... that was helpful in explaining what it was about...

More, anon.
Prospero

'Haven' or TV's Love/Hate Affair with Stephen King

I have been an ardent fan of author Stephen King since I first read "Carrie" in high school. Set in 1979 (the year I graduated HS), "Carrie" really struck home with me and I eagerly awaited his next book, which turned out to be the vampire thriller " 'Salem's Lot." It was the story of a small town infiltrated by vampires who arrived under the guise of antique dealers (King would again explore antique dealers in "Needful Things").

We all know Carrie would go on to become a film a film that launched the careers of both Brian DePalma and Sissy Spacek; furthered the career of John Travolta and revived the career of Piper Laurie. But 'Salem's Lot would be the first of many TV adaptations of King's works. I can honestly say that King's second novel freaked me out by moving the dusty, Victorian monster to modern America in his own, down-home style. But the television adaptation, directed by none other than Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Poltergeist) left me cold. Basing the design of head-vampire Barlow on German actor Max Schreck's vampire from Nosferatu, Hooper's mini-series turned what I found to be horrifying into something which seemed infinitely silly. It also didn't help that the very bland David Soul (Starsky and Hutch) was cast in the lead. Yawn...

Even the presence of the great James Mason and Bonnie Bedelia didn't help this piece of TV crap.

1990 saw the adaptation of It, starring Tim Curry as the creepiest clown in movie history. Sadly, the mini-series version suffers the same fate as the novel -- the lamest ending in horror history:

"Beep beep, Georgie! Everything floats down here!"

The next year, TV tackled King again, this time in an adaptation of his short story Sometimes They Come Back, about a teacher haunted buy the ghosts of his old high school bullies. Tim Matheson and Brook Adams starred in this not-at-all scary TV movie.

Meh.

1993 saw the TV adaptation of King's The Tommyknockers, about ancient alien forces taking hold of the residents of a small town. Jimmy Smits ("L.A. Law"); Marg Helgenberger ("C.S.I."); replicant Joanna Cassidy and former porn queen Traci Lords starred in this one, which almost got it right, but director John Power somehow missed the mark:

Tommyknockers is the first appearance of King's fictional Maine town of Haven, which I will get to, shortly...

Finally, in 1994, director Mick Garris almost got a King novel right with his four-part mini-series version of King's apocalyptic epic, The Stand. My biggest complaints about The Stand are the horrible miscasting of Laura San Giacomo and Corey Nemic in pivotal roles which would have been better served by almost anyone else. But Gary Sinise; Rob Lowe; Jamey Sheridan; Ruby Dee and the rest of the all-star ensemble are just about right on the money.

I'm not going to bother with the godawful The Langoliers (the less said, the better). Instead, let's talk about Garris' version of The Shining. King fans know that King was less than satisfied with the Stanley Kubrick version of one of his best (and perhaps his actual best) novels. While a fine film, it hardly covers everything that made the novel so brilliant. Mick Garris' 1997 TV version is a bit more faithful to its source material, though television standards still don't allow for everything that made the book so creepy:

There's more, of course. The Canadian TV series based on "The Dead Zone;" the 2002 remake of Carrie; the 2004 remake of Salem's Lot and the proposed mini-series version of "The Talisman," which is undoubtedly my favorite novel of all time. Which brings me to the SyFy original series "Haven." Based on King's short story "The Colorado Kid," the series is the story of FBI agent Audrey Parker (Emily Rose), who comes to the small town in search of an escaped serial killer and stays in search of the woman who may or may not be her mother. The most recent episode revolved around the reanimation of taxidermied animals (and humans). And while my mother said "This is ridiculous," while watching the episode with me, my response was "Of course it is. But that doesn't make it any less entertaining."

There have only been 5 episodes of "Haven," but nonetheless, I find myself intrigued (and entertained). I just hope that subsequent TV versions of King's works can accurately capture his voice and the true creepiness he manages to convey in his novels and short stories. I still have his monumental novel "Under the Dome" to read -- when and if I ever find the time and patience to read a novel again, but I will always be a fan of the talented (despite what literary critics have to say) and prolific author.

More, anon.
Prospero

Bad to the Bone?

Yup, that's her. Christine; a 1958 Plymouth Fury that came off the assembly line EVIL!!!!! Her original owner and his family all died inside her. She has a hunger for blood, can repair herself and, most magically of all, she can turn a dork into a cool kid. Well, a demonically possessed cool kid, but hey, you can't everything. Where would you put it? And no, lest you think this King-aphile is going on about the Master again, this paragraph is the only time she will be mentioned in this particular post. See, I understood the intention in using "Bad to the Bone" as the movie's theme song (Director John Carpenter composed the actual score, as he does with most of his films), but it in the scary playpen that is my mind, I couldn't help but think how fragile a car made of bone would be. See? Told you it was scary in there. Anyway, enough about Christine. This post is about her steel kith and kin. That's right, folks. Welcome to the Killer Machine Post.

I suppose the earliest killer machine would be the evil robot Futura in Fritz Lang's masterpiece, Metropolis:

For a long time after that, killer machines remained purely Science Fiction - machines that malfunctioned or developed amazing artificial intelligence all on their own (see "V-ger" in Star Trek or Proteus in Demon Seed).

Somewhere along the way, a Horror writer came up with the idea for an actually evil machine. Something either possessed or under the control of an evil force or entity. The first such movie I can remember is Killdozer, a 1974 made-for-TV movie about construction workers who awaken an ancient ET which promptly possesses their bulldozer, killing them one by one. It starred Clint Walker and Robert Urich and it was ridiculous.

Man, that Clint Walker could act! And that scintillating dialog! I posted the shortest clip I could find, in order to spare you its true awfulness.

1977 brought us an even more ridiculous Killer Machine: The Car. It starred the future Mr. Streisand, James Brolin as the Sheriff of a small southwestern town being terrorized by a demonically-powered black sedan. There's some jaw-droppingly bad acting from lots of folks you'll recognize, even if you don't know their names, though many of them must be dead by now (or wish they were).

I love how that car explodes as it rolls onto its roof! And that Honey-glazed acting! That was was actually in theaters, folks.

And I'm sorry, but I have to. The book about that particular car is hardly King's only contribution to the Killer Machine oeuvre. First, there's a silly short story about a possessed industrial laundry press, The Mangler, which was made into an exceptionally awful movie starring Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund and Jamie Gumm himself, Ted Levine. Directed by the genius that once was Tobe Hooper, The Mangler is just pure crap.

And of course, there's the insane short story so badly made the first time (as Maximum Overdrive) that they remade it for TV under its original title, Trucks. Chris Thomson's version is only slightly better than the one King directed.

Hooper is scheduled to make the next Stephen King Killer Machine Movie: From a Buick 8. The novel concerns a car impounded at rural Pennsylvania State Police Barracks that isn't from this world. It's one of the many novels and stories connected to King's alternate universe, The Territories (read The Dark Tower series; The Talisman*; Hearts in Atlantis; Insomnia and Black House*). IMDb lists its release date as 2009, but it's also still listed as "In Production," which means it may never see the light of day. having read the novel, I'm not sure I can see it as a movie, and I've sadly lost all faith in Hooper.

I know there must be more Killer Machine Horror movies out there, and I wish there more better ones. But it's late and I've had a long day. I am finally seeing Paranormal Activity tomorrow night, so my review will be forthwith.

More terrors, anon.
Prospero

*Co-written with Peter Straub

The 5 Best and Worst Stephen King Movies

What? I'm starting with a video? Yes, because this is the Stephen King post (I opened that door last night, might as well close it) and The Talisman is the best King movie that never got made. Based on the novel by King and co-author Peter Straub (who never had luck with film adaptations of his own work - anyone remember Ghost Story? I'm sorry, if you do. It's the scariest book I have ever read, and perhaps the worst adaptation of a novel ever made), that "Demo Clip" by director Mathieu Ratthe looks very much like the images I picture when I read that book. I have read it almost more than any other novel (another Straub, Shadowland is my #1) and it makes me cry every damned time, even though I know what's coming. At this point, of course, Cameron Bright is too old to play the part, but according to IMDb, someone is making a TV version. And my sister and I will be sure to watch it it, albeit 1000 miles apart (unless it airs in May when I'm down there, but I digress).

There are good, bad and mediocre films based on or written by Stephen King. I've been a fan of his since I was 14 (yeah, I was that kid) and have read every book, short story and essay. I've listened to the audiobook-only novel about smoking and seen every version of every film that bears his name (though I can't say the same for their sequels). I am a Loud and Proud Stephen King geek and I am not ashamed to admit it. There! It's out. And I feel so much better. Deal with it, okay?

It's an all clips & links post, folks. The 5 Best and Worst Stephen King Movies. These are my fives, not yours. If I left one or two of yours out, don't sweat it - they're probably in my 10. I just don't want to be up until 2 AM. So, in a "Good News/Bad News" sort of way, let's rip off the band-aid and start with the worst, shall we?

5. Cat's Eye

King's first attempt at a screenplay is an anthology based on two previously published short stories ("Quitters, Inc." and "The Ledge") and an original tale, "The General." Hot off her appearance in the semi-successful adaptation of Firestarter, Drew Barrymore was advertised as it's star, even though she was only in Part 3. "Quitters" and "Ledge" both work on paper and while the "Quitters" piece with James Woods is the most effective of the three, none of them are very scary.

4. Thinner

There was a time when King wrote under the pseudonym Richard Bachman. It took a King fan with a good eye for style to expose him. Most of "Bachman's" works would not have normally interested me, but Thinner was the one that came out after King had been identified, so of course I read it. It was fun and grimy and creepy and I loved it. And you'd think with a cast that included veterans like Joe Montegna, Kari Whurer and Michael Constantine, it would have been at least entertaining. Sadly, no. Just bad. Next.

3. Sometimes They Come Back

Don't feel bad if you don't watch all of that. Tim Matheson and Brooke Adams star in this TV adaptation from director Tom McLoughlin about a man who returns to his hometown, only to haunted by the ghosts of the bullies from his past. The movie does nothing to convey the feeling King's prose brings to the short story.

2. Sleepwalkers

Frequent TV collaborator Mick Garris directed this Feature from King's original screenplay about strange cat-like creatures (which for some reason fear cats - huh?) which once again has a better cast than it desrves. The stunning Madchen Amick, Ron Perlman, "Charmed" alum Brian Krauss and genre favorite Alice Krige all lend their talents to this rather silly 1992 flick that should have been better than it was.

1. Maximum Overdrive

Dear God, someone let King direct a movie. And not just any movie, but the one based on his really bizarro short story "Trucks." Emilio Estevez is the star and King apparently thought that explosions, car-crashes and gore were all it took to make a good movie. Now, that may not always be far from the truth, but "scare the hell" out of me? Maybe a squirt of two of urine if I were incontinent while laughing (which, you will be glad to know, I am not). Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. All the Lysol in the world couldn't cover the stench of this outhouse craptacular.

Dishonorable Mentions: The Langoliers (which just missed being #5); Children of the Corn; Desperation; The Lawnmower Man (which isn't at all his fault); The Night Flier.

OK. No more bashing. On to my 5 Best Stephen King Movies (and remember, these are mine, not necessarily yours):

5. Cujo

One of King's early "Castle Rock" novels, Cujo is the only movie I forgive for changing the novel's original ending. GBIT (Gay Boy in Training) Danny Pintauro was just too cute to kill. And it has Dee Wallace. She was Elliot's mom! Come on! Oh, and a Were-Pekingese.

4. The Green Mile

Damn Frank Darabont for making a movie that makes me cry every time I see it, from a book that makes me cry every time I read it. The Green Mile was originally released as a serial; King's attempt at Dickens, I suppose. I waited to read it until it was published as a complete work. The book is extraordinary and the movie is as close to a perfect adaptation as any.

3. The Mist

Darabont again, making my personal favorite King novella into a terrific movie with a far less ambiguous ending than King left us with. Thomas Jane, Andre Braugher and Oscar-winner Marcia Gay Harden give some of the best performances in a horror movie since Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum. And that ending? Dev-es-ta-ting!

2. The Shawshank Redemption

I know there's a whole lotta love out there for Frank Darabont's first King adaptation. From this film on, it was clear that Darabont "got" King unlike any other director ever had (even DePalma). It's a good movie, no doubt, with powerful performances from powerhouse actors: Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman, Clancy Brown, Gill Bellows and James Whitmore! Whew - can you feel the testosterone? OK, maybe not as much as in a Stallone or Schwarzenegger movie, but them's some fine acting chops, there, let me tell you what! Much like my #1 pick, even folks who are not King fans love this movie, and with good reason: It's a damned fine film.

1. Misery

Yikes! Why, you may ask, is Misery my favorite King movie? It's because (much like Silence of the Lambs), the images created by director Rob Reiner; the performances created by Kathy Bates and James Caan; the brilliant screenplay by William Goldsmith and the amazing supporting cast of Richard Farnsworth, Frances Sternhagen and Her Majesty, Lauren Bacall, watching Misery was like watching the movie that unspooled in my head when I read the book. Bates deservedly won the Oscar (one of the very few awarded to a Horror movie) and every single person in every single audience shrieked in horror during the "hobbling" scene.

Honorable Mentions: Creepshow; Christine; Pet Sematary; Delores Claiborne; Apt Pupil and (God help me, but I liked it) Dreamcatcher.

Of course, for every and any Horror and/or King fan, this is not by any means a definitive list or ranking of movies either written by or based upon works by Stephen King, and maybe some day, I may be bold enough to attempt such a post (it would probably take me all day), but those are my thoughts for this Shocktober. I'll probably first do a post about King films I either like more than I should (Hearts in Atlantis) or the few that are actually better than the book (The Dead Zone; The Dark Half).

By the way, if you should by any small chance be reading this, Stacie Ponder at FinalGirl, I really started using "Shocktober" before I knew you were. Didn't mean to steal it - to me it seemed kind of obvious. I LOVE your blog and voted for "They Won't Stay Fed!" and I encourage my readers to do so, as well. Hear that, Readers? Click and vote for Stacie's movie. Come on! All the cool kids are doin' it!

More terrors, anon.

Prospero

They're All Gonna Laugh at You!

You may be wondering why, in a post that about one of the few really good movies based on a Stephen King novel, I didn;t use this more iconic image. Two reasons: That second image is overworked and this shot of Sissy Spacek says volumes more about the movie. It comes near the very end of the movie, so I don't want to talk about it too much, right now. I'll get there.

Let's talk, instead, about how director Brian DePalma, who, despite all the flashy camera work and split screens (which work so beautifully in this movie, by the way), allows Carrie to be about the characters and their stories. And he was smart enough to allow his amazing (almost all-female) cast to just do their thing. In fact, Carrie may well be the first modern Feminist Horror Movie, ever. Warning: There be massive spoilers ahead. If you've never seen Carrie (and again, shame on you if you haven't), you may want to skip the embedded clips.

Ok, the movie does have John Travolta and William Katt, who are both fine actors, but they are actually tertiary characters in this story of feminine sexual repression and it's consequences. The boys in this movie are merely pawns of the bitch and the good girl, both manipulating their respective boyfriends to do their parts in the debacle that is to come at the Prom. Even the School Principal is a befuddled oaf who can't remember Carrie's name (he keeps calling her "Cassie" until she snaps and his coffee cup breaks all by itself). The other boys are simply goofballs and comic foils who have little screen time and exist only because boys do.

So, what about the vast cast of female powerhouses? Well, there's our villainess, Chris (the future ex-Mrs. DePalma, Nancy Allen). She's the one who starts the "Plug it up!" chant when Carrie gets surprised by her first menses in the girls' shower. Punished when caught and then banned from the prom when she won't take the punishment, Chris builds a campaign of hate towards Carrie that rivals few in in Evil Bitch history. She uses sex to get her boyfriend, Billy Nolan (Travolta) into killing the pig and rigging the bucket of blood above the stage.

Then there's the well-meaning gym teacher, Miss Collins (Betty Buckley). It's Miss Collins who comes to the rescue when Carrie is being terrorized by the other girls and Miss Collins who encourages Carrie to try to fit in and make friends. And poor Sue Snell (Amy Irving). She feels so guilty about being so mean, she uses the promise of sex to get The Greatest American Hero to take Carrie to the prom. And let's not forget about Chris' Posse (insert your own cat joke, here) of hateful High School Bitches, including the underrated Edie McClurg (who would go on to greater fame as Grace, the school secretary in Ferris Bueller's Day Off) and 80's 'Scream Queen' P.J. Soles (Halloween; Stripes).

I know... I'm getting there. But Carrie, herself, has to come first. Raised by a single, fanatically religious mother; sheltered from reality and beaten into believing, Carrie knows it's not just her social retardation that makes her different. She's always know it. In the novel, King talks about an episode of rocks falling from the sky when Carrie was a child. Her father long gone (according to her mother, he was an alcoholic sinner, though it's more likely he couldn't take his wife's brand of crazy, anymore), Carrie obviously didn't go to school in the same district I did, because one day in 5th grade, all the girls went to see a movie in the gymnatorium and the the boys got an extra recess. Maybe her mom kept her home that day. Whatever the reason, her ignorance is the trigger that turns her powers on. Or more literally, just as a woman's first visit by her 'Friend from Redbank' (that's what my Mom grew-up calling it) signifies the "on" switch for procreation, so does it trigger the "on" switch for her telekinesis. Suddenly, she has power and can assert herself. She accepts Tommy's invitation, defies her mother for the first time ever (even restraining her on the bed with her mind) and goes to the Prom, with her mother's words echoing in her head: "They're all gonna laugh at you!" And we all know how that turned out. But really, what can one expect when you break the painfully shy girl's back with a bath in pig's blood?

Finally, there is Carrie's mother, Margaret White (the incomparable Piper Laurie). Bat-shiat crazy doesn't begin to describe Margaret White. Blinded to reality by her fanatical Pentecostal beliefs, Margaret's guilt over having enjoyed sex with her husband has made her devote her life to raising a sinless child. When biology catches up with Carrie, Margaret is sure it's because she's sinned and locks her up in a close with a creepy, day-glo-eyed statue of the crucifixion of St. Sebastion. Maragret pulls her hair and flagellates herself; she covers nearly inch of her skin and calls Carrie's breasts 'dirty pillows.' It's no wonder that when Carrie finally takes her out, it's with tremendous irony:

(I wish that clip included the original score and sound, but it was teh only one I could find that wasn't 8 years long).

Of course, even sole-survivor Sue Snell may have gone crazy, by the end. Starting a craze that lasted for a very long time, DePalma tacks on an epilogue dream-sequence that made every one who saw it for the first time nearly pee their pants:

And that's where the above image comes in to play. Scared, confused and still feeling the height of powers, Spacek's face in that shot is filled with more emotions than I can count. Both Spacek and Laurie were nominated for Oscars for their remarkable performances, though in true genre fashion, neither won. But pretty much everyone brings their A game to the table. Sadly, Ms. Buckley went on to star as Margaret White in the ill-fated Broadway musical version, Carrie White aka Carrie: The Musical. Now whoever would have guessed that a serious musical of this story would have failed? Sadly, a camp production of the show will never be, as King has had his attorneys seal up the rights forever and ever, Amen.

And of course, Carrie and her classmates attend "Bates High School." And we all know who Norman Bates loved above anyone. So who wins here? No one, obviously. The villainess and her thugs are dead; The Greatest American Hero, the gym teacher and the mom are dead. Indeed, the title character is dead. Christ! I just realized that Carrie is the female Hamlet with Amy Irving as Horatio. OK, maybe not. But it is an interesting treatise on the feminine power. Plus, it's a damn good ride!

On a personal note, here are two odd stories about the first time I saw Carrie:

In 1976, I was not old enough to drive, but I looked old enough to get into an 'R' rated film. At the time, there was the Eric Theaters chain in the Philly area and they had recently converted all their theaters into twins (the precursors to today's multiplexes). In the other auditorium, an 'X' rated porno called "Tarzan" was playing. I went to the box-office and asked "One, please." The bored ticket girl, without batting an eye, asked "For which movie?" At 15, I was sorely tempted to try my luck, but I had read the book and really wanted to see Carrie, so I didn't. Instead, I saw the movie and ate it up like delicious horror-movie candy corn and went outside to wait to be picked up (remember - I wasn't old enough to drive).

Also waiting to picked up was a fellow a bit older than I, maybe in his late 20's. He was obviously the kind of social misfit King was writing about, but I was stuck and kind of had to acknowledge it when he said "Some movie, huh?"

"Yeah. It was great," I said.

"They have that, you know."

"What?"

"The Government. They have people who can do that stuff."

In my mind, I'm thinking "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..." but I say aloud, "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. They're trainin' 'em to kill the Russians."

I was never so happy to see my mother in my life as I was at that moment. Of course, he may have known something, after all:

There is a dreadful sequel to Carrie that is not worth mentioning and a TV remake that doesn't really work quite as well, though is slightly more faithful to the book. Still, nothing will beat sitting in a darkened theater and seeing Carrie for the first time.

We'll talk again about King films. Some are actually very good: The Frank Darabont Trilogy -- The Shawshank Redemption/The Green Mile/The Mist -- ; Stand by Me; Misery; Pet Semetary. Some are pretty good: The Stand (the best of the made-for-TV King movies from director Mick Garris); 1408; Apt Pupil; Creepshow. Some are just OK: It (ruined, as is the novel, by a stupid ending); Christine; Firestarter. Some are downright awful: Maximum Overdrive; Thinner; Desperation (the worst of the made-for-TV King movies from director Mick Farris). But those are for another post.

Tonight is all about King's first published novel, rescued from the trash by his loving wife and made into the movie that cemented the careers of both Brian DePalma and Sissy Spacek, Not bad for 1976.

More terrors, anon.
Prospero