CH253: Somethings, Sometimes, Someone

Continuing on with the introspection from the previous post, as I told Angelo (sorry friend no cross linking on Blogger mobile lol), my impatience also extends to dating.

Maybe, maybe, maybe, part of the reason why on the apps, I rarely initiate any messaging is because - it's exhausting initiating small talk. I rarely go into long chats but mostly stop at saying thank you when given a compliment or say hi back and just not reply because there's been so much messages (I used to reply to all but stopped after a few days of having it in Singapore 4 years ago). It does seem callous and discourteous. But I don't say this with ego, since reinstalling the app when I became single a little over a year ago, I've had numerous messages come in. I was OC at first to make sure there wasn't a sign showing unread messages, but I got bored with the menial task, and now I've got ~2000 unread messages in one app.

But the point of that narrative just now, was because when I said impatience in dating, it probably related to being spoiled and getting what I want as I wrote in the previous entry. I reply to only those who seem interesting and interested because it's easier that way. No effort. No trying too hard. Everything has to be quick. Go into dating, you both like each other - go for it, commit, become exclusive yadah yadah. I lose interest (after much contemplation it isn't as much to do with pride) when I sense the other party's interest has waned. I say to myself, why go through the trouble.

I've given this much thought, because maybe I'm a romantic (hopeless), but after going out on a date which just coincided with valentines, I felt chemistry with someone and the Sparks just flew. But it wasn't like the previous ones with a magnetic reaction to just go and become steady. It's the first time for me to have to participate in "testing the water." And now I'm clueless. I like the other person enough to not be totally disinterested, but it opens up the idea, so does this mean there's a game at play? Someone seeing other people and moving the chess pieces one move at a time - eventually deciding the game then checkmate? Oh well, I asked the question and the answer just went along the lines of - let's not stick to labels or whatever for now and let's see how it goes. For a change, I'll be patient.

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Yesterday was a wonderful day at the beach. My close friend and I just chilled and hung out for 5 hours there. Thankfully, after a previous late night out consuming 3 glasses of gin and tonic as well as 5-6 glasses of pure blonde, and with very little sleep, I didn't get a hang over. I'm attributing this feat to age given in a little over a month, I'll be one year away from 30!

We had lots of fun jumping into the water! Starting off in the pontoon for smaller jumps and building up to the higher one. I say building up because I had to be patient with my friend as she tried and succeeded in overcoming her fears of jumping. :) It was easier being patient on this front.

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Talk of change, while walking back home earlier, I was excited to realize that the state of happiness and contentment that had dawned on me when I was in Europe is still alive here in Sydney! :) I tried to think why after my volunteer work at the Sydney Mardi Gras Film Festival do I still feel this way, and I realized that I'm free.

I'm free from feeling secure and protected. I'm simply free - To be myself, to do what I want (within the bounds of law), to just live my life. Now it would be a scary thought not being secure and protected but I have permanent residency here in Australia as a safety net. My decisions are my decisions because I want to try and am very open to trying new things.

A first would be working at a Chinese restaurant part time! It was surprisingly enjoyable. How did this happen? I simply went to the restaurant my close friend part times in and the auntie there asked me if I was interested. Thinking it will be unexpected, I said yes. It pays well for 3.5 hours of work - plus they feed you haha. It put a smile on my face when my mom (I heard it in her voice) found it amusing and surprising that I did well and enjoyed waiting tables, taking take away orders on the phone and helping out in the kitchen and floor area. In this sense, I was free from the protective prejudice my parents would have had if I told them I'd work in let's say jolibee or McDonald's to earn extra money when I was studying. If I was still in Uni and I suggested that so I can have extra cash, I believe they would have just increased my allowance. Hmm actually the thought never occurred to me to work part time to get extra money back in college. I simply had to ask and use the trump card statement "my siblings went to more expensive schools compared to UPD."

Another change I noticed earlier was that I'm less introverted than I was before. I wouldn't normally want to be around strangers, but when I was helping people queue in the film festival, I was comfortable chatting up random strangers in queue and making conversation. I didn't mind wearing a bright pink outfit for volunteers of the festival. I didn't mind standing outside the cinemas collecting voting slips and smiling at totally random strangers and genuinely telling them to have a good night on their way home. My old self would have been exhausted being all preppy, but I did that because I was there as a volunteer. It's not my cause I'm there for, it's the festival's. Traveling brought this out of me. When you travel, you immerse yourself in the ways of the country you're visiting. You become a chameleon and adapt to the environment. It's not being plastic or hypocritical. It's just adjusting the traits you already have. Everyone has a natural affinity to something and distinct personalities, but it doesn't mean we have to box ourselves in. The important thing is to try and experience. Because through experience, we get opinion.  And through experience, we discover things we might have said we couldn't but actually could.

I see my permanent residency as an investment (given how expensive it was ... Relatively) and I can see how I'm reaping its benefits so far. I feel so at home in Australia. Not to say anything negative against Singapore or the Philppines - but Australia is home now. 

.... Although Australian PR was easier to get than SG PR (in my case, i.e. Profession) so maybe I have foreclosed SG too early. No regrets!

CH247: No Regrets. No Turning Back.

"Earlier after the shower I felt like, this is it! I'm going on a big adventure! There's so much to be thankful this year and it can feel overwhelming but all I can feel is just be thankful about everything! :)"

As I'm typing this in the Singapore Airline lounge, I realize that I'm not leaving Singapore with a heavy heart. This is what it's like to have lived an experience without regrets. This is what it's like to have lived life. This is what it's like to make the most of what life has to offer.

I embrace my leaving Singapore to go to my next adventure with a humble heart. 2014 had its share of ups and downs, but all the experiences have made me a better person. There really is so much to be thankful for, my life yes tear up thinking about them! I guess this is what it means to feel overwhelmed...bittersweet!

So last night, I booked a suite at the Marina Mandarin for my going away party. It seems vain to be hosting one, but I wanted a party not to celebrate my leaving but more to get the chance to see the people who have made my stay in Singapore a memorable one.

Thank you Angelo for organizing much of the surprise and to Jon for the video that made me cry not because I was sad but because I was dearly touched by it. It doesn't happen often that I cry in front of a huge crowd, but who cares! :) I don't often show how vulnerable I feel, but in the company of the people I shall treasure memories with, I guess there was no better time to cry.

Pictures!

And this happened :))

Keep loving life everybody! Xoxo

CH246: Last Full Weekend

My friend from Dublin who I met in BKK is right, numb best describes how I'm feeling at the moment. Stephen also went through the same process prior when his stay in BKK had to wrap up and go back to Dublin.

Numb. Taking on each day as they come. He says I'll never really feel any sort of emotion until the moment I am in the plane and realize that everything really is happening. It's more surreal than trepidatious I guess - to be about to experience the things I only read other millenials write about - quitting job, traveling and moving.

It's still like any other day. Last night though, was worth remembering. I watched hunger games mockingjay part 1 with Ange and Jon.

And then we went clubbing. :)

And for the last time, had supper in Maxwell after all the dancing!

Fun night... I hope to see you guys in Sydney Mardi Gras! X

CH245: An Ode to Mom

Last night, I spoke with my mom to give her an update on the stuff I've packed and the time she needs to be in the airport for when I arrive.

I think my relationship with my mom has become better since I've grown older. During our FaceTime session, I told her about how I spoke with Issa (one of my closest friends who lives in Sydney now) and she told me I'll be her official travel buddy around Australia when I move. I told Issa, yes! (Of course) but it will only be the case until I find a partner. And my mom keenly asked what Issa had to say in response. I relayed to my mom that Issa said - "well that won't take too long." And then we both laughed.

Also, since I'm in a bit of a pinch because my salary will be held for a week or two after I leave, I borrowed some cash from my mom to continue to pay for the pension I bought that's on auto debit. I didn't want to touch my pocket money budget for Europe and my money in Australia is locked in until I get there. So during the course of the conversation, my mom told me, "you know what, you can forget about paying me back, the money is yours." And I was of course shocked! I told her I'll pay her back when I finally get settled in Sydney, heck, I'll buy her and dad tickets to visit me for Christmas and the new Year. After hearing that, she then told me how my dad fervently mused to her how when they're retired, they'll have to dedicate 3 months each year - 1 month respectively for Australia, New Zealand and LA to visit us kids and their grandkids! Haha, I so look forward to that!

Here's to you mom.

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An Ode to Mom (November 18, 2014)

I remember the days when you made me flash cards to help me memorize bible verses for a competition in school.

I remember when we recorded to cassette tape my dictations so as to help me memorize poems for another competition in school.

I remember how you helped rent a costume for me last minute for my stage performance of Annabel Lee for our English week contest.

Gosh, I think it was a coincidence, my horror upon seeing the most princely outfit you could find - all covered in sequin. I didn't win for the performance but I won Mr. eloquence.

I remember the fights we had when I was younger - How I'd slam the door and lock it to get away.

I remember also the time you accompanied me to ROTC (military service course in college) because I was learning to drive. Only to miss each other out because your phone batt died so I was left with the task of driving home by myself.

In retrospect, that's how I earned the courage to drive. Hmm, maybe it wasn't a coincidence we didn't meet up after my training then that time.

I remember all of these things and more. But despite the good and the bad, I am reminded of the love you have for me and the love i have for you.

This one's for you mom, I love you very much! 

CH244: Family Visits SG

So more than a month ago, my family visited me here in Singapore. It was a bit stressful planning the perfect holiday considering there were two toddlers - one 5 year old and another just turned a year old.

For anybody interested, since my nephew wanted to celebrate his birthday in Legoland, half of the trip was spent in Johor Bahru Malaysia while the other in Singapore:

Day 1: Tuesday 

09:05 Arrival (T2)
11:00 Check-in MBS
12:00 Lunch
13:00 Infinity Pool
20:10 Dinner
21:30 Wonderfull Lights Show
22:00 Bed

**gardens by the bay was included in the itinerary but we decided to move it to Saturday - which didn't push through since the toddlers wanted to sleep in lol

Day2: Wednesday 

08:30 Breakfast
10:00 Check-out MBS

10:30 universal studios Singapore
18:00 Dinner DTF Sentosa
19:30 Get Stuff from MBS
19:40 Pickup by Taxi from MBS

21:30 check in to hotel 

Day3: Thursday 

08:00 Breakfast

10:00 legoland waterpark
17:00 Go to JB Outlet
20:00 Dinner
21:30 Back to Hotel

**it was supposed to be the theme park first but since it was overcast and with a chance of rain we decided to do the waterpark. Thankfully the skies cleared up

Day4: Friday

08:00 Breakfast
10:00 Checkout

10:30 legoland
17:00 Pickup by Taxi to go to Swissotel

19:00 check in
20:30 Dinner Chinatown / Stroll around Raffles City Mall

Day5: Saturday

09:00 Breakfast
10:30 Check-out Hotel
11:00 Orchard/Somerset/ Shopping
14:00 Go to Airport
15:00 Check-in airport
17:40 Departure

It was nice to have spent time with my family. I also took the opportunity to have them get extra luggage to bring two bags of my stuff back home - half and most of which were winter stuff I bought but haven't used and the rest were tidbits like souvenirs from travel etc. We don't get a lot of opportunities to be reunited so it's always nice to have a reunion. My sister and family unfortunately couldn't come along as my niece was just 3 months old that time. So maybe next time the reunion will be in NZ or Australia! :)

Of note:
1. The stay in MBS from my experience is always a pleasant one. It can feel a bit too touristy with all the people in the Infinity Pool area, so it's appreciated that they have a section where there are no kids allowed - Adult pool!

2. It was my first time staying in Swissotel and I felt their service was fantastic. It was definitely a breeze checking out and the staff were attentive despite the lot of people on the weekend we were there. Marina Bay Sands I would say - you would have to call the attention of a staff to get help instead of the staff sensing your needs and offering it. But I'm not complaining

3. To go to LEGOLAND, I would highly suggest renting a private vehicle / van to bring you to and fro Singapore. It's so much easier to go through immigration compared to getting a bus.

4. Service is much different in Johor Bahru compared to Singapore. The hotel we stayed in Hotel Granada had a great location. The hotel was average, but we were a bit put-off that the room they gave us despite the specification in the request not to be a smoking room - was a smoking room. So when we got in, it smelled strongly of smoke (for one of the rooms). I booked their LEGOLAND package which I think was a deal and just extended the stay by one night and correspondingly extended our LEGOLAND tickets from 1 day to 2 days entry.

Anyway, pictures!

And I complain to friends how I'm so dark now. I want to be lighter when I go to Europe! I don't want too much contrast when it starts snowing! lol 

Family photo!

With my housemate Louisa

Last look at the view

Like an intern doing a coffee run for everybody hahaha

More pictures!

CH243: INTJ

I ----

Your personality type: INTJ (turbulent variant)

Strength of individual traits: Introverted: 12%, Intuitive: 24%, Thinking: 13%, Judging: 31%, Turbulent: 6%.

http://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

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After Friday night's Halloween themed HOHOL (hang out hang out Lang) with friends, the following day I found myself wanting to just stay in and do nothing.

Rather than do nothing, actually my housemate hosted some friends over our place where she served turon (a Filipino dessert). But aside from that, my plans to go to the gym have been set aside to do nothing more and nothing else. It seems I found myself in a perpetual state of introspection as of late.

The other day, I found myself thinking that it seems the only attention I like getting is the sort laced with sexual tension...I didn't host a party for my 28th birthday but decided to go to Europe instead. There's a lot of things going on at the moment, admittedly, with work and planning for sabbatical. I haven't really thought much of how big a move to Australia is. Maybe I just don't want to think so far ahead of the worries I might and will probably face. My emotions are in a rut and it seems the only thing I can find worthwhile to escape this hollowness is through sex. Not so good hearing it said out loud not seeing it written down.

I was reluctant to host any sort of going away party for when I leave. The idea of hosting a celebration to commemorate my leaving seemed alien to me and rather felt narcissistic to some extent. But on a last minute decision while I was on a booking spree for some train rides I needed for Europe, I decided to book one as I don't really know when I'll see again - the people I invited.

It has a lot to do with my personality type I guess. Rather than spend the last month I have here in Singapore - getting drunk and partying, I've gone on auto pilot to introspect and reflect the life I lived here the past 3 years 10 months. There's so much to digest my mind just shuts down and I feel sometimes desperate to just zoom forward and find myself in a better place - living my dreams. Alas, dreams are worked for. So between now and getting there...well who knows, it might take a while.

CH242: Shifting Perspectives

There is only exactly 1 month (31 days in this case) before I fly back to Manila for a few days - then my adventure in Europe begins ... continuing it to the US then back to Manila for what I would say, my longest stay in Manila since coming to Singapore...before I eventually fly off to the land down under.

Nothing much has changed I guess on my end with regards to anticipating and feeling excited. Being excited for Europe, Australia,and everything is at the back of my mind. Before I flew with my ex before to London, I was accused of being nonchalant about the trip and the experience. I only felt excited the day before the flight. I guess, it has to do with not feeling so high only to feel low when it doesn't happen or push through? Is there logic to that? Right now, I've been busy with work. I work in a secure site as well and access to internet is restricted - no smartphones allowed for external staff - so yeah, work.

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To some of the people at work who learned I would be resigning or that I have "tendered" (the verb I've been hearing around), after hearing that I will be moving to Australia, their first question is so you've found work? And it sort of became redundant and feeling a bit like a broken record to say that no, it's too early to look for work at this time since I will be taking a break from working.

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One friend of mine messaged me several weeks back: "Wow! I'm really surprised you're leaving Singapore considering how well you are doing there."

So what's the point of this entry? With my answers and how I went about this exit from Singapore, it made me realize that, there seems to have been a shift in perspective. I've had 4 projects/works here in Singapore in the span of 3 years 10 months. Prior to that I had 2 jobs in the Philippines in the span of 2 years 9 months. In Singapore, my reasons for changing jobs were job security, higher pay, better package, more stable, better working environment, challenging, etc. But now, there's simply no reason at the moment for me to take this break...this sabbatical before I fly off to Sydney...other than because I want to so I will.

Whatever happened to the old me concerned about all the reasons I listed down to justify changing jobs (which were all on a contract basis i.e. not permanent or regular)? I'm guessing (as I'm not 100% sure yet - only time will tell) I just got tired of partying, traveling, working and just making money and just living the Singapore life. I feel I'm ready to settle down (not get married) but to really set up roots in a place I will fall in love with (with or without someone else - that's a different matter haha). There's no anger or resentment with Singapore for not giving me PR the first time I tried or with the companies I worked for - for not offering regular employment. I feel like I'm leaving Singapore because the adventure has run its course (a lot earlier than I had planned which was to stay for at least 5 years), and for me to stay longer will just chip away the hopes I have of achieving the dreams I dream of. So, despite the luxuries and comforts I can accord myself here, I don't think I'll ever truly be happy knowing I can be happier and live my dreams elsewhere.

It will be sad to leave very good friends in Singapore. It will be scary to make the transition and starting over. It will be down right terrifying. But, I've let go and I am letting go. Right now I'm free falling with indifference, straight faced. I sometimes feel people may think I'm not that excited to leave or travel when I answer because I don't answer with as much enthusiasm as I should. But it's still a long way to go...i haven't even thought about whether from this free fall, I'll crash or hit the ground running.

CH241: Skin Tight

So, I've got a lot of back log in terms of updates on this blog. My family visited me two weeks ago (it's been two weeks already?!) and I should probably write about that. But with all the work that's coming in and projects that I need to do on my last few weeks here in SG, it feels more like I'm going away with a BANG.

Anyway, one time coming home from the new project for work that was a bit like the proverbial monkey wrench in the cog wheel, my battery ran out, and I had nothing to do to preoccupy myself in the train ride home. So, I decided to go old school and write down some thoughts on paper in the train.

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September 19, 2014

The reality of it is, we evolve and change no matter what. It's in our DNA I should say to adapt.

I realized something that seems so obvious I had to wonder why I didn't realize it sooner: "we actually grow into our own skin." I mean that in the sense that the world and society a generation back (or at least from my perception) had the expectation that when you become an adult, you know what you want and what to do and what to accomplish. But, maybe this realization comes with age and maturity, or traveling, but I have noticed with myself, minute and distinct changes in attitude and taste.

In my 28.5 years of living, I've discovered for one thing last year that I'm actually repulsed by the idea of drinking orange juice with pulp. There's something off with the pulp's texture mixed in with orange juice. Like how I also realized early on that I abhor marshmallows (the texture as well) and how I find it gross to eat pineapple that's mixed in with something savory - like Hawaiian pizza for instance.

I feel like I'm less affected by things that could get me worked up and have my emotions stirred. Things that annoy me could linger in my head and I'd be vocal about it and unnecessarily cause friction before, right now, I'm more "edited" or "curated" with how I speak and present myself. There's that filter that sometimes just comes on now more often than it did before - that goes: "Is this something worth getting fired up about? Is it worth your time? etc"

The thing about the realization is that never in my life at that point in time I realized it, have I felt most comfortable in my own skin. Like I've said before (CH235: Life Lessons at 28), self-acceptance is important. But a notch higher above it is self contentment.

CH239: Paella Night

I So my housemate and I just finished hosting our Paella night. She made a seafood paella Negra while I made a simple chicken, chorizo and shrimp paella.

I am so happy it turned out well considering it was my first time making the dish and I must say without any conceit that it's almost at par with the one I tried in barcelona :)

Definitely feeling fulfilled about this culinary accomplishment!

I learned after peeling four cloves of garlic that you need to crush it first before you peel to make it easier.

Cooking paella needs constant attention so the bottom doesn't burn too much!

Presentation makes the food tastier! Make it look good and instagram the shit out of it.

Success!

My housemates seafood paella negra

Pictures!

So happy my great friends Paul and Eugene could make it by!

CH238: Travel 101

Budget. Budget. Plan. Organize. Prepare.

I was up till 5am earlier this morning planning accomodations and transpo for my upcoming sabbatical.

God! New York accomodations are so expensive! Peak new year?!

So now I'm at the beach. After soaking up some sun, I wrote down all my expenses so far, forecasted expense, cash inflow and current liabilities. I'm a little stressed since the computations include my family's vacation which messes things up a bit.

Que cera. I shouldn't be so stressed since I decided to move out most of my money to Australia for when I migrate so that's a safety net. I just have to stick to my budget and plan accordingly. Plus! After sending IRAS (tax authority of Singapore) an email last week, I got my assessment last Friday and that's been paid for. One liability out of the way. Right now, let me soak up more sun and just worry about being without money some other day!

CH236: A Packed Weekend with Friends

Saturday started off early with me needing to come to the west of Singapore to attend a gym class - Body Pump with Ange and Jon. Last Saturday was different in that Jon couldn't come to Pump because he was out drinking late! (He's got drinking problems. LOL JK. He's so behaved. NOT. Now Jon has become ambiguous and let's leave it at that). They went to the gym around 1pm to attend the Body Combat class which I skipped for swimming. We were joined by Jon's friend Lara.

Planking pains.

Swimming.

I got back home to a house party hosted by my lovable housemate and fag hag Louisa. She cooked pancit, kwek kwek and squid balls! She even concocted her own mix of dipping sauces ala Manong Fishball!

She also ordered a cake called Choco Leche which had a chocolate cake base (super moist!) and a Leche flan top!

Soon after munching, I retired to my bedroom to try and take a nap. But after devouring 15 (a conservative estimate) kwek kwek pieces and cake and ... Lol lets not enumerate, I was pretty much tired from waking early and gym. I couldn't sleep though! I had a dinner meetup with former work colleagues to catch up. So soon after I just went to get ready and danced in the shower to my favorite tunes care of spotify premium! I find that it's an effective means to wake up and shake the sleep off - shower + dance music and karaoke lol.

After the meetup with colleagues, I went to meet Ange and Jon and friends for the Singapore night festival. Although I only saw the exhibits in SAM and the bit of the night festival they had at the facade of SAM. The group went ahead without me to see the other night installations while I caught up with former colleagues.

After which, you might have thought I went back home to sleep. NO rest for the wicked! We went clubbing afterwards. Lol. I met some friends Louisa and Ivan in the pub beside the club and went back dancing - coming out back and forth as other friends came into the Pub lol.

Finally got home around 5am, showered then slept. 5 hours later... I was awoken by my alarm for brunch! Paella brunch at Pasarbella!

A very delicious side of honey roast pork and crackling roast pork! (Combo cost 15 dollars. The paella + chicken + iced lemon earl grey tea was 20 dollars).

After a filling meal, we went to Botanic Gardens for a picnic. We bought wine, and since I was feeling generous and wanted to celebrate the 10th monthsary of a couple friends, I bought us cupcakes!

As soon as I got home, I just had to charge my phone, wash my face and then go to Novena to attend mass with Ange and Jon. They came by my place to have a taste of the squid balls and pancit and the delectable cake after mass! Yum!

It might be taken as strange for me to attend mass, but I do believe in God. Just not religion and I feel closer to God in a place other people consider a place of worship - which since I don't believe in religion may not be entirely what I believe in. But I wanted to find the quiet and space to thank God for all the blessings that he's given to me, my family and ... Well other private conversations :)

I had squid ball in my mouth lol. That's not the new way I smile.

And then after that, I helped clean up, watched a bit of tennis (US OPEN 2013) while waiting for my laundry to finish. I hung up my clothes, ironed my shirts for the week...and now I'm typing this entry in bed while waiting for sleep to come!

It was surely a packed weekend! Looking at the transitions in between each happening, I only had time to freshen up! I couldn't ask for more though. In the company of great friends, food, drinks, art, I couldn't really ask for more. 3 months from now and a few days from this writing, I'll be off to Manila for a few days before my travel begins around Europe then US! I'm so happy to have met these real people in Singapore. There are others of course who I may not have managed to get around to writing, but well, I just figured myself #blessed (I couldn't resist the pretentious hashtag lol) that I have these people in Singapore I can be myself with and just have fun #nodrama. Some people may not have the same luxury of the kinds of friends I have and for that I'm thankful.