CH182: Mature Insights

And the truth of the matter is, you can only keep trying to make something work. But at some point, you have to realize that love does not conquer all. That at the end of the day, life is as real as it can be. The fantasy called love is beleaguered as life is. You have to realize and see for yourself that some people are just not compatible together. Some people can try and try and try and try but never make it work. Then, that's the time you have to accept, this isn't working anymore. And then, you look into yourself and the experiences you went through - and you analyze where you, the other person and the both of you went wrong.

I'm quite analytical to the point of over analyzing. I feel quite okay with coming to this ending. I had troubles letting go many times because during those times, I couldn't quite accept - not that its over - but more because I couldnt accept ending something I didn't know or understood why. My mind was thinking - if I can't understand something, then there should still be a solution to solve the problem. But, I have found my closure in understanding why and how a relationship can and has failed - and that some solutions to problems don't exist (much like math). I do know my shortcomings - whether they were existent even before or brought about by circumstances not written in this blog, I don't know.

What matters is I know on my part what I did to lead to this ending. Knowing my mistakes paves way for better chances of making the next one better and last. My initial fears of ending it because I didn't want my giving up to be a precedent to giving up too easily in the future has become myth.

The arrangement may have been over. But, now "it" really is. And I can't say at the moment whether I regret anything. I'm trying to keep moving forward on this road I am after it was decided that both embark on separate paths. If before when I look back, I keep seeing CP there at the crossroad leading me to do a 180. Now, when I look back, I see no one; so i forge ahead knowing full well that if i keep going the distance, the farther I go, the less likely I'll ever want to turn my head back around to see whether there's still someone at the crossroad waiting.

Sometimes, it just doesn't work out.




Tipz: ...It's still fresh but I've rationalized what went wrong and what could go wrong if we continue. So as I understand why it failed...I find it easy to say I could move on now. How about you?

M: Exactly my own experience. I still love him. but he wasnt right for me in the end.

Tipz: Love doesn't die as easily I should say. But I guess it was hard for me to accept and understand at first because its the first long term one. But it's part of growth I guess.

M: This was my third. And equally hard. I'm at an age where I am tired of playing the field and want to settle down. But that needs to be with the right person.

Tipz:  We all look for that someone...unless you swore an oath of celibacy haha. How did you know they were the wrong person for you? My long term one was just 10-11 months...more or less.

M: Mine were 5 years. And I guess we stopped growing in each instance. Which meant there was no point staying together.

Tipz: Growing? I'm not sure I understand. Growing better as a person? As individual or as a couple?

M: Yes. A relationship should enrich. Otherwise it's just two friends.

Tipz: Oh okay. But isn't there a point where a relationship becomes stable? So it becomes a partnership? To be there for each other for support, etc? I guess the suitable question would be, should there be a limit to how much and how far the enrichment should be?

M: Absolutely.But that doesn't mean stagnation. I am looking for a partner in all senses, that's for sure.

Tipz: Is it safe to say you got bored? Seeing you felt that the relationship plateaued? I'm assuming you tried to make it work but nothing was happening?

M: Not quite. The other parties became self-absorbed. So I felt slightly abandoned.

Tipz: Oh that's not good. Self absorbed as to say selfish and narcissistic? I'm surprised a 5 year relationship can end that way. I thought it should be easier by then.

M: Hmmm... It's partly the types I like - very ambitious ones turn me on. But it comes at a price.

Tipz: I thought the first months and first few years would be testing.

M: I didn't see the signs the first few months and fell in love. Then it's harder to spot such things. Love blinds.

Tipz: Oh, ambitious! I think that's one quality I look for as I am the same but more I guess fulfillment. I want someone who feels successful and accomplished where they are so there will be no insecurity or envy in terms of career prospects. That is true though, love blinds.

M: That's exactly what I want too...the security and confidence part. So hard to find. Hmmm...You are more than just a pretty face mister.

Tipz: I meant what I said I guess to say, I look for relationship of equals. So there's equal contribution to bring the other up and not down. Hahah. I like to read as with the failure of my recent relationship, clearly Hollywood was lying and the books as well hahaha

M: Hmmm..

Tipz: Not everyone can be lucky enough to find "the one" the first them they do venture into a relationship.

M: Would you like to meet up? I don't normally meet guys your age but you are clearly not a kid.

Tipz: Sure :) haha but I don't want to set the expectation I can be who you are looking for... :) I do know I still need to mature and grow on certain aspects of being in a relationship. I blame it mostly on being the youngest and having huge age gaps with my siblings (10 and 9 years older) hahaha

M: There you go again. Impressing me with your thinking. But yes, who knows right? I just shouldn't close opportunities because of age. Brains and looks are a rare combination.

Tipz: Was I? Haha, I wasnt expecting that reply from you. We don't get a lot of people here I guess who are honest and forthcoming.

M: Here as in the app?

Tipz: Yeah here. Or I don't know, maybe generalize this app to the whole community? This is afterall a representative of it right?

M: True. It is. And I am a fool that way. Often get hurt because I am too open and forthcoming.

Tipz: Really? :-/ I think hmmm... I can't say I have been hurt by being honest and forthcoming. But more hurt by my actions and decisions after it.

M: Shit happens.

Tipz: I think it shouldn't deter you from being the person you think you should be.

M: That's my point.

Tipz: I mean, being honest and forthcoming does not come easily for people. But rest assured, there are good people out there who appreciate and cherish that. Anyway, hahaha I'm prone to digressing.

M: Are you one?

Tipz: I'd like to think so, But I try to avoid professing myself to be anything...

M: :) smart.

Tipz: Because it should be an impression others get from me, and not because I say I am.

M: Exactly. So what shall we do?

Tipz: :) go sleep hahaha

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