CH69: Lay

Yesterday, close to finishing the Hot Yoga class I attended - while I was doing the Shavasana pose, the lyrics from Kings of Leon came to mind:


Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound
I know they're watching, they're watching
All the commotion, the kiddie like play
Has people talking, talking


Here's a YouTube clip if you're interested to hear the remix by Avicii. It's one sexy song.

And, the question "Which is easier? To hate or to forgive?" popped into mind.
I tried to answer the question given the circumstance I'm in and I'm inclined to answer that it's easier to forgive, but then resounding thoughts of the hate resurfaces and won't accept that fact.
So - in the end, before the yoga instructor flickered the lights on to signal the end of class, I concluded, it's easier to NOT answer the question for the time being.

CH68: Dreams

It's been a long time since I had any sort of vivid dream. Last night was weirdly surreal yet appropriate on several aspects:

0. It's not as clear in my memory now, but it was a dream about being in a family (same family as I have now) business of killing monsters. This ushered in the next dream sequence

1. I dreamt that my nephew who was already around 18 years old in the dream got tattooed, and everyone in the family was okay with it. I had a dramatic scene where I was shouting at my mom dissing and expressing my disdain that they are okay with my nephew getting a tattoo but they won't allow me to get one.

-I woke up after this dream sequence. Looked at the time and saw that it was only 5:40 am. Naturally, I put my sleep mask back on and went to sleep - with Ladytron playing in the background. Avicii's tracks are not exactly lullaby worthy.

2. The second dream sequence, I was in a bank. I think the transaction I needed was a money transfer or something from one account to the another. It wasn't weird in any way during the dream, until there was the appearance of one of my colleagues back from HP. I was shocked because he was working in a bank - and I was wondering why he transferred from such a lucrative career in SAP to become a bank teller. What shocked me was when I saw all the acne covering his face to the point it looked like he was molting. The dream sequence zoomed in on his face and I woke up.

-I woke up and saw that it was 8:57. I should have been awake an hour and a half before that time since I've been trying to make good with my promise not to ride a taxi going to work  lessen the number of times I ride a taxi to work.

So, now I'm in the office and I decided to research what the dreams could have meant:

Tattoo

To dream that you have tattoos represent your sense of individuality and the desire to stand out in a crowd. You want to be unique and different from everybody else, particularly if you do not have any tattoos in real life. Consider also what the tattoo is and what significance it has in your life. It may represent something that has left a lasting impression on you. Alternatively, to dream that you have a tattoo suggests that a waking situation or decision is having a much longer lasting effect that you had expected. 

To dream that you are a tattoo artist suggests that your exotic tastes and strange experiences may turn off those around you. If you are a tattooist in real life, then the dream is just a reflection of who you are.

Bank

To see a bank in your dream denotes your desires for financial security. The dream may be trying to offer reassurance and that your fears of financial instability are unfounded.

To dream that you are robbing a bank signifies that you are expending too much energy and are in danger of depleting your inner resources. Alternatively, it indicates that money that is due to you is being delayed. 

Source: http://www.dreammoods.com

Given the things that are about to happen career wise, the dreams seem appropriate. I should be blogging about it once everything is official.

For now, I leave you with one of the (hmmm I'm finding it hard to find the best adjective) ?tragic? love songs but in a feel good twist.

SS1: My Bestfriend's Singapore Visit

*SS short story(ies)

My bestfriend visited Singapore last January 28-30. Despite the odds and usual brouhaha, she was able to make it here in Singapore. The itinerary I had for her was simple given the time constraints in her visit.
Day 1: Four Fingers Lunch, MBS, Wicked, Skypark, Fuse, Dinner with Friends
Day 2: Universal Studios, Night out (club)
Day 3: Lunch at Aston's Terminal 1, Departure

Warning: Picture heavy

Let the photos roll in

CH67: 6.4

I ran around 6.4 km this time with a time of 39 mins more or less. I clocked in around 41 mins but if I remove the parts where I had to wait to be able to cross the road, then that should be around 39 mins. Below is the route I followed - save for some modifications here and there to make it longer than the pegged 5.02 km:

Well, it wasn't intentional, but I made a few wrong turns and instead ended up in Whampoa Drive, but the purpose to test whether I now have better stamina was completed.

True enough, I was able to jog through the whole 6.4km straight - except for the stops by the intersection and pedestrian crossings. Also, add to that a 300m incline, a downhill and another incline - that will be on the Mandalay road and the one before entering that coming from Balestier.

Considering that since the last time I jogged (about hmm 6 months ago?), I was already laboring through 3km just to make it to 5km, I'm happy that my endurance and stamina have become better. Swimming of course is the biggest contributor. Add the fact that my ciggie consumption was pretty much constant since - I'm quite impressed with myself.

I wanted to run some more to try to test if I could make it to 10km - of which i'm optimistic of - but changed my mind since I remembered that there's Body Combat tomorrow. So I just ended at 6.4 and did the circuit training as usual.

There was a leg of the run where for a slight moment I was dazed and disoriented. I realized that it was only around 10pm so there are still a lot of people about. I was dazed and disoriented that I was running through the Velocity Mall by the Novena MRT. I felt conscious being all sweaty going through such a public area. But then I just shrugged it off and thought to myself - "what are you looking at? better start running fatso" hahaha. Feeling expat/angmo since general area naman ang novena/newton/thompson/balestier hahaha.

---
During the run, I remembered an instance where I was accompanying my mom to get some grocery. I remember that instant particularly because that was where I learned how to pick the right fruits from the bad ones. Which is why, yesterday while doing my grocery, I think it took me about 10 minutes trying to find the brand of apple I like (not the Fuji ones - the last Fuji apples I ate was in the Philippines, and they had a thicker 'makunat' skin. I like mine crispy - not too sweet). I had to find the right brand and had to sift through a lot of apples to get the ones that fit my standards.

And, I've a particularly craving for wasabi or seafood lately. Ever since I had a taste of the Wasabi potato chips in Fuse MBS, I have been on a mission to find the brand that closely resembles the taste, crisp and amount of wasabi in it to induce the typical heat-out-of-the-nose wasabi experience. But of course, I have to eat them moderately. They're particularly high in Sodium and I dont want that given the amount of water weight and fats I need to lose.

Fucking image consciousness! It's an epidemic here!

CH66: Matrix

I particularly remember that when PLDT launched its DSL offering in the metro, that our family was one of the few who subscribed immediately. Prior to this, we were on dial up. I think it's good to have been raised in a particularly technological savvy family.

It's good that growing up, I was reared with technology as an enabler. It has to do I guess with my brother who is also an ECE grad. I think the direction our family went in terms of technological growth was partly driven by him and, well I guess myself as well - since it was needed for research and stuff for school; every edge to get top marks and be the best in the section and grade. Money and resources after all are just enablers for achieving and self-fulfillment.

But, well, since everyone of the family is in a different continent, I could pretty much say that our home in QC is a bit out of touch in terms of internet growth. We're on broadband internet but not to the speed of cable or fiber optics yet - if there's any offered in the Philippines.

So what am I getting at? The matrix. The internet has enabled everyone to have no excuse not to be connected. With social media - particularly facebook, everyone has become comfortable to be connected to someone through computers and the internet backbone.

But, I've plugged myself out for the time being. It's been a week or so since I deactivated my facebook - and I already forgot the last time I logged into YM. You can say it's a bit of a challenge for myself. I've noticed that I typically losing myself (i.e. wasting time) going through facebook updates and just being on the receiving end of a never ending feed from people. So, now the only connections I have are through my phone (imessage, whatsapp, viber), twitter - for a tweet or two and my source of news feeds, and of course this blog.

I've been finding better things to do.
As a matter of fact, come next week, I should be starting on a different workout/exercise routine. I completed my MWF - swim, T - body combat, th - yoga, SSu - rest day/yoga (optional) challenge for 1 whole month last year. And since I started going to dragonboat sessions (3 weekend sessions thus far), I figured I'll try this for next month: M - yoga+run, T - body combat, W - swim, Th - yoga (optional run), F - rest day, S - dragonboat, Su - swim. But that's to be confirmed. After all, I'm not quite sure of what will happen after I finish the last newbie session for dragon boat next week and become a regular member. They have trainings on tuesday and thursday.

Speaking of matrices, for no reason but just a peculiarly piqued interest, I will restudy solving matrix equations. While sitting on the toilet taking a crap, out of the blue I found myself trying to find the best way to see if my years of work experince vs salary will have any characteristic equation. I should be posting that equation after I solve it.

I should be plugging back in to the facebook matrix by May.

CH65: 5km

I just surprised myself a bit earlier when I finished 5km close to the benchmark time i had before. What surprised me more was that the usual cramping or stiffness in my legs that comes about 3km into the run, did not surface. So, it was a pretty smooth run just now, except for the fact that it's my first time to run around the neighborhood and I didn't know which ways to take to make it 5km.

I could have run 10km - given how I felt after the 5km. Maybe on my next run, I'll target 7km first. I don't want to run the 10km and feel all exhausted and forsake the circuit training I usually do after my runs.

Refreshing as always sweating all those calories away. I guess, after going on a run break, it's time to start including these nightly runs into the workout scheme. I stopped because I got worried that my brother (9 years older) had an ACL tear due to basketball. I figured, it might be in the genes or something. BUT then, after realizing after one realization (more below) that hey, my dad has been playing a lot of tennis and never had an ACL tear, so it must not be gene related or hereditary.

--

CH64: Iron

There was a very interesting quote from Iron Lady. Margaret Thatcher goes on to say:

"watch your thoughts for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions for they become habits. Watch your habits for they become your character. And watch your character for it becomes your destiny. What we think we become."

I'm not sure if the real margaret did go on to say it or if the quote is a product of the screenwriters.

In an unexpected turn around, it's a que sera feeling today. It doesn't even take much effort to drown out the unnecessary thoughts. Well for one, I was busy with work and getting calls for openings.

And the hate has brewed to a pause. I've heard what they have to say and ill leave it at that while I worry about more pressing things.

Paranoia has gone down a bit. It's more of an acceptance now about whatever the outcome will be. Let's tackle the issue when we get there. I don't want to become dysfunctional. Simply because my ego and pride will not let it be.

CH63: Tic Toc

I looked into the mirror uncertain.
Only a few days have gone by, and I'm startled by the person I see staring back.
Red all over. Red eyes. If I didn't have any sense in me, I would have thought it was the devil incarnate.
Oh, yes, that must be the 500 ml Heineken i just downed.

Another session of crying fits.

The dark times are just about to start.
Gray cast skies with no storm in sight.
The anger and hate have been successfully contained ... within.

The feelings of hate have been replaced by a void -
There is a darkness within me, continually fed by a growing uncertainty.

Is a mistake still a mistake when it was willfully committed?
Or do you call that stupidity?

I find solace in the fact that my mind is no longer preoccupied with hate.
It seems more exhaustive and destructive.
My mind and thoughts are preoccupied with - what else - uncertainty.
Preoccupied with thoughts of the future - of a possibility, of a bleakness I might have brought upon myself.

I wonder though.
If the body requires calories to function, what does the soul feed on?
Hope? And I guess, faith to some certainty.
Just a several days have gone by, and uncertainty, the enemy of hope, has already eaten through my reserve.

As the days, weeks and months come to pass, I'm almost certain that a very different me will come about.
I see a more solemn me.
A stark contrast to the me I always imagined I would be post quarter life (25).
But that's life, and its uncertainties.
God throws a wrench into the gears, and the next thing you know, well, you're broken.

I've acquiesced to isolate myself for the time being; deactivated Facebook and removed several applications from my iPhone. I need twitter for my news feed. Although, posts should come about less frequently - or none at all if i manage.

I've gone to thread the path of darkness.
And there's no way out until a certain amount time has come to pass.

I've initiated my ruination to cover up the brewing hatred.
Tic toc. Time's up.

CH62: Forgiven

You know how us Catholic girls can be

We make up for so much time a little too late

I've always been destructive in the negative.
I started smoking with the pretext that I crumbled under pressures from grade consciousness.
But the truth of the matter is, it's a selfish decision.
The subtext that I've never mentioned to anyone except a very few close friends is that -

I never forgot it, confusing as it was

No fun with no guilt feelings

I started with the vice because, being the youngest in the family.
I didn't want to come to the realization that eventually, I will be alone.
I didn't want to see the eventuality of seeing my parents and siblings die off.

The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests

I'll see you next Sunday

While I remain living.
I don't think it needs to be elaborated how smoking comes into that equation.

We all had our reasons to be there

Now, I'm faced with an escalating hate towards someone.
The better me seems to have been complacent.

We all had a thing or two to learn

I didn't see that coming.
All along, I was conceptualizing that eventuality.

We all needed something to cling to

Preoccupying my solace.
Hoping and wishing that it will be -

So we did

NO.

I sang Alleluia in the choir

I let my guard down.

I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man

Constantly preoccupied with thoughts of the future I don't want to come.

My brothers they never went blind for what they did

I decided to let loose and drown myself in thoughtlessness

But I may as well have

In the name of the Father, the Skeptic and the Son

The moment has come to pass and the seed of uncertainty has been planted.
I shiver in fright.

I had one more stupid question

What now? Wait.

We all had our reasons to be there

We all had a thing or two to learn

We all needed something to cling to

So we did

What I learned I rejected but I believe again

I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition

If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven

We all had our reasons to be there

We all had a thing or two to learn

We all needed something to cling to

So we did

We all had delusions in our head

We all had our minds made up for us

We had to believe in something

So we did

As my vision becomes a blur. Now more than ever, as God created man with one foot in the light and the other in the dark. I took a misstep. Half in half no more. Blind in the darkness.

The destructive nature has come and gone. And only fear remains.

[edit]. The inflection point has happened. The next instance of its occurrence is yet to come.
The consciousness sleeps afraid.

CH61: Hate

I hate you
Never have I felt such loathing
For a person such as yourself
I hate you

I swear I will never
Have A photograph taken with you
Be seen with you in public
Attend any gathering with you in it

 Over my dead body I swear
If any of your offsprings look like you
 I will renounce them
 Let my hate spill over

 I hate you so much
I'd consider excommunicating myself from family
Just so we will not be related
I hate you. Yes you.

Thoughts of hate are
Interspersed in my quiet times
I stopped trembling with hate
It seems to have fine-tuned itself
Sharpened enough to wound
To kill Any emotions that could override
The hate

 My only solace is
Divorce
I thank God
It's legal there

[Review] Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

My tweet went:

Tinker tailor soldier spy was satisfying; although the pacing was slow. It was like watching a broken sheet of glass get pieced back together.

If you're not a fan of movies that tell a story as if you're grandfather is telling it, then this movie is not for you. The plot moves on forward at a glacial pace. But, for me, it wasn't all that boring. It was intriguing in fact trying to piece together for myself who the spy was in the cast.

The casting was good. The lead, Gary Oldman - who was relatively unknown in my spectrum of recognizable stars, did the job well portraying his character - a retired british intelligence, rehired to continue the investigation started by "Control" to uncover the spy within the agency.

The introduction of the main plot was slow to begin with. A spy/informant was sent to Hungary (Budapest) to try to get the name of the spy within the agency - but turns out bad after he was shot and his cover was blown.

Blah blah blah.
I'd like to tell more but that will be spoiling anyone who plans to go out to see the movie.

But, just to say this - there was an unexpected twist to the events that served as the final stitching to the entire plot. Let's just say, a picture should have told it all - but you wouldn't have guessed.

CH60: Turn Anew

There was an interesting article I read somewhere pertaining to kc concepcion regarding her recent breakup with piolo pascual. She said something like you need to lose sight of something in order to find yourself. I started the year ver well with a trip to new Zealand.

But somewhere from returning and now, something became amiss. I think it has to do with realizing the enormity of the pressure that's about to fine to step up to a different level in life and career. in order to go up the next level, i have to start reviewing for a certification exam. Well, that is of course to certify me in my profession. After achieving that, I should start finding a job with a permanent position or at least exploring the option on whether to continue staying in Singapore or finding the final destination to settle down. That will be the prerequisite in order to take up some business degree.

Well not particularly an MBA but dome thing in that line. I wouldn't want to be living my life doing support and technical work until I retire. So basically for this year, the must accomplishment is the certification, application for pr here in Singapore, and let's forget the savings! So many plans were conceptualizer late last year, but I sem to have lost some or most of the drive that was established.

Perhaps not enjoying the current work I have has a lot to do with it. My complain is that I have so much free time that I'm already getting stressed not getting stressed at all. I forget that I should take it as a positive thing to at have time to review for my certification. Most of my drive is exhausted having to toil through a job I'm not 100% excited about. Or maybe I'm just over thinking things.

 So as part of my plans to turn things a new from a slump to extraordinaryily amazing, I've decided to finally buy myself an iPad to set off my review plans. Now , I wouldn't have any excuse to be lazy about reviewing as I will now always have it with me - in my iPad. I got the wifi with 3G. This is so I can use the data plan I got from starhub - 7.2 Mbps. I'm haven't been using it as much as I'm not doing any support work now. So most of my work is done in th office. The reason behind its application which is for contingency measures is no longer that urgent. So here's to hoping that things start turning around.

Aside from the review I will be staring. I've also joined th newbie training for the Filipino dragons Singapore. It's a dragonboat association here in Singapore. I liked the drills we had to go through. Thankfully, since I've been planning on joining since before, one of my Filipino friends from the office also shared her interest in joining. So, now it's more fun and I get to meet more people here in Singapore. I hope to be able to focus more on the good things of my life instead of the negative. And to do my part in making sure that if there are negativities, that I should find someway to turn things around instead of whining and just hoping for the best or just sitting throughg waiting for things to pick up and change.

Inaction after all is the greatest injustice.