My February dilemma

It started out as just a day thing.
But, as I got older, I realized it was more fun to go for a week.
Then I realized it was easily a 2-week commitment on my part whether I wanted it or not (ahem).
And then last year, I had to acknowedge it had turned into a month-long experience.

But, darn.
Things feel different this year.

Maybe it's because I'm turning 38.
Maybe it's because I've been feeling the need to grow up a little.
Maybe it's because I've had so many full experiences, I'm feeling satisfied.
Maybe it's because I'm not nearly as needy as I used to be (ahem.)

Maybe...but I know that's not really it.

Someone asked me last week what I wanted for my birthday and though I didn't say it aloud, I knew exactly what I wanted.

I don't mean to...
and I know I shouldn't...
and I know I'm the one that changed things...
but...
I remember in December when I let myself think just a little bit about my upcoming birthday and I had this sense that it had the potential to be the best one yet (which is saying A LOT because I've had some stellar birthdays.).
And what I thought and who I thought I'd be with?
THAT is what I want for my birthday.

But, I changed things.
And the timing of what I did stinks...
(who does that before New Year's Eve and birthdays and Valentine's Day?
Me. That's who.)

And now I'm left with the pieces to sort out.
And I'm supposed to have a birthday in the midst of it?
Really?

I guess I'm just wishing there was a way the universe could pretend like I didn't do anything. That nothing's different...just for a day...
on February 9th.
(oh, okay...and maybe since Valentine's Day is practically the same time as my birthday, let's just pretend for a few more days after too. Then on Feb. 15th we can go back to just as things are right now. Promise.) because for the first time in my life, I'm not really in the mood to celebrate and get all the attention.

Because I really just want to get attention from one.

Wow...is that pathetic? Am I so sad? Am I such a girl?

So, forgive me if I don't feel like planning any celebrations right now.
And understand if I don't want to thoroughly enjoy all sorts of evil desserts for a full month.

Don't misunderstand.
I'm grateful for this life of mine in so many ways.
I just would be more grateful to not have to face a very different birthday than the one I let myself think I was going to have...just a month or so ago.
It's just a little too soon.

Yeah...
probably a little pathetic...
I'm in a tich of a funk.

And thus, the February dilemma.
My February dilemma.

(PS We've got our first event this weekend and there is so much to do, I think I can't breathe...so unless something hilarious and worthy of a post happens, my focus will be that event...oh and keeping at this running thing...which I will continue to post peer-pressured updates on facebook. Be. Back. Soon.)

(PSS I'll snap out of this birthday dilemma funk. I know I will. I'm not going to ruin 37 previous years of great tradition. No way. No how.)