The Little Drummer Boy’s World Tour: A Christmas Card for You

Despite being the laziest busiest man on the planet, Big Guy found time this holiday season to make a very special Christmas card. It’s especially for those of you who still don’t believe he is a Christian despite all those Sundays he spent in Reverend Wright’s pews.

This should seal the deal for you.

Now, before we all head off to join family and friends, I feel compelled to report on something Lady M said in the interview with Bab’s last night – in case you were too busy to enjoy it. Normally I would just let this slide on the eve of such a wondrous day, butt I  know everyone else is going to be all over it, so I want you to hear it here first.

In a random act of honesty – no doubt prompted by the Christmas spirit - Lady M explained  why she feels being selfish serves everyone best: (and by “everyone” I mean Lady M)

Barbara Walters, ABC News: "Mrs. Obama, you've recently said something that I thought was very interesting for other women to hear. You said 'you put your own self highest on your priority list.' That sounds selfish?"

Michelle Obama: "No, no, it's practical. It's something that I found I needed to do for quite some time, even before the presidency. And I found it other women, in similar situated balancing career family, trying to do it all and a lot of times we just slip pretty low on our own priority list because we're so busy caring for everyone else. And one of the things that I want to model for my girls is investing in themselves as much as they invest in others."

Walters: "So what do you do?"
Obama: "Make sure I get my exercise in so I work out as much as he works out."

Walters: "I hear more."
Obama: "I do now. He's been busier. Spending time with girlfriends. Going out. You know, pulling in people in my life who give me strength and joy."

So there you have it: Lady M’s secret for achieving schtrength and joy: a little “me” time. And we’re getting a little over $4 million worth of “me time” this holiday season. So on behalf of Lady M, I’d like to extend her “thanks” to all of you who still have jobs and have so thoughtfully contributed to her “schtrength and joy.”

God bless us, everyone. And stay schtrong!

UPDATE: ALOHA, LITTLE DRUMMER BOY:  PA-RUMP-PA-PA-PUM

The Rooster has landed – those are some hot drumsticks!

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and Chickaboomer, and motherbelt on News Busters, Thanks!

Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus.

Today’s riddle: "Has this place become so dysfunctional that even when we agree to things, we can't do it?" **

 

Looks like the political theatrics have finally played out on the payroll tax cut (and the unemployment extensions and Medicare cuts). And I’m not talking about Big Guy here – although he was great in his role too.

          

It’s sometimes difficult to discern whether a play is a tragedy, comedy, melodrama or farce. In that event, take your cues from the actors’ faces

I’m talking about Speaker John’s manufactured drama, designed to school his Animal House Tea Party freshman on how things really work around Washington. He let them muss up his tidy house and make as much noise as they wanted to, just to teach them a lesson on how things really get done around here.

I hope they were paying attention. Because this is a competition, not an exhibition: the stakes are high, the Speaker holds all the wild cards and the House is stacked against you. Wagering done at your own peril.

Here’s the real news coming out of this “story” though – yesterday’s “$40 per paycheck” increase for everyman if the House didn’t pass the extension of the payroll tax reduction...

turned into just “a tax increase of $20 a week” today. Wow! I knew inflation was heating up - even though they’ve been trying to hide it from me by charging the same butt making all my paper towels a half inch shorter. Butt $40 going to $20? That’s like, what, 100% decrease in value overnight? What is this, Argentina?

Anyway, the good news: with this logjam in Congress apparently breaking up, Big Guy will be cleared for take off in time to join the family in Kailuana in time to celebrate an unspecified Winter Holiday on or about Sunday.

And you can disregard that bogus report about Big Guy not wanting to spend his holidays in his alleged birth state:

Michelle Obama insisted on a pricey holiday to Hawaii when her husband would have rather gone to a presidential retreat, according to reports.

She allegedly wanted the taxpayer-funded $4million trip when Barack Obama sought instead to make the short trip to Camp David in Maryland.

I think you know how notoriously inaccurate the National Enquirer is. So when they report:

‘Barack read his wife the riot act, but his words fell on deaf ears. Michelle said there was “no way” she was going to disappoint her daughters.

you can just tell it’s a fabrication. Except that part about his words falling on deaf ears. That’s pretty much the case whether Big Guy’s talking to Lady M, world leaders or even Little Bo.

“Hey! I said no sniffing! Where’s his damn handler, anyway?”

The only people who really listen to him any more are our friendly lapdogs in the MSM. And speaking of which: don’t miss Barbara Walters full interview with Lady M and Big Guy tonight!

I know you’re all going to be busy baking cookies and wrapping presents, butt this is must-see TeeVee. Here’s just a little teaser:

What's the trait you most deplore in yourself, and the trait you most deplore in others?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Laziness. Nothing frustrates me more than when people aren't doing their jobs. The thing actually that I most dislike is cruelty. I can't stand cruel people. And if I see people doing something mean to somebody else, just to make themselves feel important it really gets me mad. But, with myself, since I tend not to be a mean person, you know, if I get lazy, then I get mad at myself.

“Laziness”?  “Nothing frustrates me more than when people aren't doing their jobs.”? “The thing actually that I most dislike is cruelty.”  I admit it, I’m confused. Somewhere in there I think there’s a complete non sequitur. Or a Freudian unveiling. Either way, we’re going to have to knock off the pre-interview Jack and Xanax cocktails.

What three words would you each use to describe the other?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Beautiful, smart and funny.

You do realize we’re talking about Lady M, right?

MICHELLE OBAMA: Smart, sportsman, and father.

“Sportsman” !? Where did that come from, I wonder?

Oh! That kind of sportsman. Not this kind:

Sarah’s idea of being a “bag man”

What is your biggest peeve about each other?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh, I don't have one.

MICHELLE OBAMA: My list is too long.

Don’t read to much into the apparent disparity in Big Guy’s and Lady M’s answers. Remember, he’s a politician, so parsing his answer it could mean “I don’t have any ‘biggest’ peeve, they’re all about equal;” which would make his answer quite similar to MO’s. And besides, we’ve already heard Big Guy’s explanation for this apparent little white lie:

On what occasion do you lie? [ed.disregard the fact that this is a variation on the “when did you stop beating your wife” setup]

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Usually, the only time I lie is very personal interactions with family members, who you say, "You look great," and they don't. "Wonderful dress..." Uh, not so much.

“…and no, it doesn’t make your butt look big either.”

I don’t know about you, butt I can’t think of a better way to spent the night before Christmas Eve. 10:00 pm EST. ABC. Don’t miss it.

** Answer: Yes Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

Big Guy Goes Shopping with the Dog and Bags Himself an Elephant

Yesterday was another jam packed day full of activity for Big Guy, even though he’s supposed to be on vacation in the alleged state of his birth. Yet he’s still managed to help you with your gift buying by selecting some always popular books – all available on Amazon – for everyone on your gift list.

We’ve temporarily suspended our war on Christmas in order to redirect the artillery to the even more popular class war.(Class Warfare, available on Amazon, $17.97)

OWIES for OBAMA

In fact, we’ll actually be invoking the spirit of Christmas as a foil in the class war.  “How dare the heartless Republicans go home for Christmas without passing the payroll tax reduction bill? They don’t care about your babies!” 

See how that works? In truth, nobody can understand why they won’t just pass the damn bill now! Butt I don’t know why Big Guy doesn’t just do what all lesser bosses do when faced with a crisis on the job: summon all the worker-bees back to work to get the job done.

We’re executing our “Leading from Behind” strategy

I guess he doesn’t want to mess up Congress’ unspecified holiday plans. Nor does he want to let this opportunity to blame the heartless R-words go to waste. After all they’re taking food out of the mouths of children suffering from obesity.

And good news! You too can become a foot soldier in the class war! Join our gang of tweeters in the war room by telling us what extra hardship you’ll endure by losing that extra $40 from your paycheck for 2 months! 

Of course you must be employed and actually getting a paycheck in order to play. Not so with our fun lottery to win a dinner with Big Guy and a Lady M: 

Space is Limited: so contribute now!

I even got an email from Reggie inviting me to take part in this special promotion. Really – Reggie of all people! I think he’s going to follow in Debbie Wasserman Schultz’ footsteps and get his advanced degree in Political Campaigning, aka, fundraising:

So, after thanking the House Republicans for the swell holiday present that they handed him on a silver platter:

This Is Not A Game (available for $3.97 on Amazon)

Big Guy called the press and went on an impromptu shopping trip, continuing his recommendations for books your friends and relatives may enjoy.

Bobos in Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There. Only $10.87.

Bo shops for some treats with Little Bo at Petsmart it’s always nice to have a few bones to gnaw on – it’s a nice bonding exercise:

The Lovely Bones. $10.19

Then we bagged some good buys at Best Buy:

The Man with the Red Bag: $6.40 Amazon Prime

And BO actually used his own credit card to buy some Wii games (!):

Big Change at Best Buy: Working Through Hypergrowth to Sustained Excellence (an excellent buy at just $4.00 – if it works)

Then he picked up some thin-crust specialty pizzas at Del Ray’s (don’t tell Lady M) to pick up 3 pizzas to go: one large (14") thin crust "Supreme Clientele" pizza, which has red sauce, mozzarella, pepperoni, sausage, peppers, red onions, olives, and mushrooms, and sells for $19. Big Guy’s other two pizzas were special orders: A 14" thin crust pepperoni and sausage pie, and a 14" thin crust pie with green peppers and red onions. Each was $20. He paid with cash that someone just happened to have handy.

Management and Feeding of Sheep: $31.45 Amazon Prime

 

Pie in the Sky: the Authorized History of Punkin Chunkin' : $20.  Amazon Prime

…and returned to the Big White to continue to wage war on for the American people.

Herding Cats: Teaching and Leading in a Postmodern World: $12.95 Amazon Prime

Just another day in the life of Big Guy: Saving the world from democracy while helping you, the little people, with your unspecified Winter Holiday shopping. It’s OK, you can say “thanks” at the polls next November.

PS: Chickaboomer is all over this story too: Obama Pulls A Boner

Obama Checks In: WINNING!

"The clock is ticking; time is running out,"  Big Guy told the room packed full of journ-o-lists yesterday before stalking out in a huff.

Who’s writing the scenes these days? They must be on Big Guy’s team, because they keep handing him the proverbial white hat to wear.

The House refuses to “Pass this Bill Now!” so they look like the the Grinch while Big Guy ends up looking  like the good guy –even though he traded his white hat in for a black one,

           

in order to ride out of town on his high horse.

Yo! Which way you going bro?

Seriously, the R-words don’t really need Big Guy’s goons. They beat themselves up. I think John Boehner might as well go home to cry, because it sure doesn’t look like he’s got what it takes to pull out a plumb.

So, all’s right with the world again. Big Guy’s numbers are up, thanks to the WaPo oversampling Dems (just their little Winter Holiday gift to BO) and joblessness is down because gazillions of you just gave up and stopped looking for a job (thanks everybody!). All of which allows Big Guy to do what he likes to do best: throw one of his finger-pointing snit fits in Jay-Jay’s cave in front of the cameras, take no questions and then stalk out in his perfectly creased pants and freshly shined shoes. He never gets tired of that, although he prefers it when everyone applauds.

Never mind that the Senate bill was fraught with all sorts of ill-will towards men; all that counts is how the news is covered. And with Big Guy’s Senate plan, middle class taxes wouldn’t have expired for a whopping, additional 60 days! On that front the current score is: Big Guy 1 Republicans 0. Just what we wished for.

WINNING!

Actually, there aren’t any real winners here, butt seriously R-words, if you’re going to play this game, for heavens sake, learn the rules. Because if there’s one thing your loyal opposition knows, it’s the rules, and how to use them to their advantage. So let’s make this a fair food fight so WINNING means something again. Besides, you’re making life tough for little people everywhere.

Anyway, it’s (Christmas) week, and we need a little cheer. So here’s a feel good story: not only is the healthy school lunches initiative failing miserably, butt Lady M’s new food plate replacement for the old food pyramid seems to be a complete bust as well.

"How can this be good news, MOTUS?" you may be asking yourself.

Well, for one thing, it means we have to go back to the drawing board:

And maybe we can put some of that attractive cellulite that we’ve lost - due to all the stress of sacrificin’ for the American people - back where it belongs.

And from an economic perspective, having to develop another brand new food icon will create or save hundreds if not thousands of jobs.

Imitation: the most sincere form of flattery

And Washington is just full of imitation.

Linked By: Best Snark Here on Weasel Zippers, Thanks!

Return of the Grinch

There have been comments regarding Lady M “laying low” since she landed Air Force Won Too here on the Big Island. Some have gone as far as to speculate that she’s embarrassed by the $4 million price tag attached to the family’s holiday.

Nothing could be further from the truth! It’s just our way of showing confidence in Big Guy’s ability to get the American economy out of the ditch that the Republicans drove it into - and now want to keep it in for political purposes.

In fact, she’s just taking the opportunity to get “spruced” up a bit for her annual beach foray, and - of course - for Big Guy’s historic arrival.

So far she’s been following the Daily Mail’s advice in order to look her best for all of the holiday festivities we have lined up:

GET A WRAP: The Universal Contour Wrap is a mummifying mud treatment that’s a tried-and-tested favourite for quick, all-over weight loss.

You’re wrapped in bandages that minimise water retention and the makers say you are guaranteed to lose up to six inches where it matters after just one 60‑minute treatment or your money back. 

 

Well, that’s a wrap, butt possibly not the area “where it matters” most, if you know what I mean:

 

   

GET A MASSAGE: Elemis’s Fennel Cleansing Cellulite and Colon Therapy has an abdominal massage that works wonders in reducing fluid retention, while the fennel and birch all-over body mask, combined with drainage massage technique, smooths the appearance of cellulite and boosts circulation.

 

        

Or you can buy one of these patented Alaia tummy massage belts that does all the work for you: Hurry, while supply lasts!

 

CURB CARBS, SALT AND DAIRY:  Follow the lead of Jennifer Aniston and Liz Hurley and avoid carbs, salt and dairy on the day of a big party.

 

  Does ice cream have any carbs in it? Or dairy?

 

EAT STRATEGICALLY: For breakfast, have some watermelon and for lunch and dinner a small amount of chicken with vegetables or salad. The water in the fruit and vegetables will fill you up. But avoid sprouts, which can leave you bloated. If want a snack, try a spoonful of almond butter.

 

Organic veggies are good, butt none of the cruciferous ones, as they cause {{{gas}}}

Sorry Little Mo, no broccoli before hitting the beach

AVOID GUM: As you chew gum, you swallow air, which causes bloating and belly expansion. Even sugar-free gum contains sweeteners which are thought to make you retain water.

Also, according to some dermatologists, the repetitive movements of chewing build  up your jaw muscles, so your face  looks wider.

If you smoke, stop for the day — swallowed or gulped air is the biggest single cause of bloating.

Got that: swallowing air = bloating. Not good with foil frocks.

 

GET UP AND GO WALKING: After each meal, go for a brisk walk for at least five minutes. Moving your body helps release air that has been trapped in your digestive system.

“Air trapped in your digestive system?” EEEUUU! I KNOW what that means!!!!! “What goes down, must come out.”

Stand clear!

ONLY DRINK STILL WATER: Avoid caffeine, alcohol and fruit juices — their high acid content can irritate your gastro-intestinal tract, causing swelling. Fizzy drinks bubbles distend your tummy.

Is there any still water in red wine? Or Alcohol?

 

GET A TAN: Stars such as Jennifer Lopez count on looking 5lb thinner by getting a spray-tan. If you’re baring your legs in a dress, try extra misting on the inner and outer legs to make them look narrower.

 

Hello! Spray Tan? We practically invented the color “toast” for cripes sake. And leg misting? You’re joking, right?

 

Shoes, legs and chair - all polished and gold leafed.       h/t Cripes Suzette

 

ENHANCE YOUR FEATURES: Use a cream bronzer under your jawline and cheekbones to make your face look more angular. Pulling your hair up into a high ponytail or a half up-do will create height and make your face look slimmer. 

 

        

Fake it until you can afford to “make it” with the right $15,000 a day make-up artist

 

                      

        At that price they can even take care of that “little-eye" thing

 

GET THE RIGHT UNDERWEAR: Control underwear is a girl’s best friend in the party season — it can transform your limbs from lumpy and bumpy to smooth and sleek. Pick the item which targets your problem area, be it lifting your bottom, flattening your stomach, slimming hips or defining your waist.

 

          

Remember: Industrial Strength Containment Systems are your friend 

 

STAND UP STRAIGHT: The quickest way to look like you have dropped a dress size is to stop slouching. Stand tall, with your shoulders pulled back and down, and imagine a string is at the top of your head, pulling you upwards.

 

Do as I say little girl, not as I do.

 

What’s that damn string supposed to be attached to again?

So in the spirit of the unspecified Winter Holiday we’re here to celebrate, I can report that things are going swimmingly. We’re getting in the best shape of our life by following all of the Mail’s helpful tips. And Lady M would just like to “wrap it up” by joining the Grinch in saying to all of the little people out there who still believe in Santa Claus: “Bah Humbug”

h/t LookingSpoon via Gerard Vanderleun

                 

OK, that’s a wrap.

Linked By: Moonbattery, and SondraK, and Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and by GOP_U_BET & Attercliffe on Lucianne.com, Thanks!