The Rocking Hijab

It has been so long since I've written on this blog as religiously as I can. It's hard to write frequently these days so I figured, why don't I just start writing, no matter how nonsensical, just to build the momentum for a masterpiece, that is, if I ever come to that. Today it felt hard being by myself. I was having palpitations and anxiety crept on to me like a stealthy predator eyeing its prey. My morning coffee wasn't of much help either. I don't know why I felt anxious all of a sudden, but of course, this wasn't the first time I felt this way.  The problem is when I am in that state, I couldn't do anything about it. I tried controlling my breathing, pacing it to go slower but the palpitations just won't go away.  Perhaps I should stop worrying about the future and just let my future self worry for me. Sigh. 

Today an interesting thing happened. I have seen it coming from afar, and I have fretted over and over, dreamed nightmares of the same story line, and here it is, my fear turned into a reality. Funny thing is, I am somewhat calm and relaxed about it, although I have to admit some part of me wished it wasn't real and this is just one of my many nightmares, but of course, it is written. As I let the news sink in, I imagined myself lying on my back on vast field of grass and the wind slowly caressing my cheek and strands of escaping hair. I stretched and folded my arms to support my neck. I closed my eyes for a brief moment and inhaled. I am living in the moment. Nothing matters. The past, the future, what matters is this second, the now. I always do this whenever I feel stressed about things beyond my control. This is what they called as being 'mindful', if I am not mistaken. It is an art of preserving the state of mind, to avoid panic and to truly embrace what really ma...

I find people around me, tethers on their toes whenever they want to speak to me, calculating whenever they wanted to express a thought near me, even my own family, and when I asked my husband why that is so, he told me it is obvious that I am like an egg, having a tough exterior but easily broken. I appear strong but I also look like I might break down any second.  That is unfortunately true, I have a heart which gives too much when loving, and a heart that easily forgives no matter how many times a person, the same person, may stab me in the back. I am the kind of person who turns her back to let them stab me in the front instead. I am too generous with my heart, but I denied them in public to lie to myself, so that perhaps I may believe that I am not as soft as I actually am.  I am misunderstood most of the time, because when someone hurt me I tend to avoid them, as if I don't forgive them, but what they don't know is that I feel the need to be out of their sight, ...

I am faced with choices today; choices I never dared to make : 1) Go on, and suffer the vicious cycle. Suffer from the reactions, the disappointments. 2) Make change, perhaps I'll be happier, and face the aftermath from everyone. There were two choices, and choosing either one will either change me towards the better, or for worse. I'm still choosing, considering, thinking that perhaps the idea that I have a choice would calm me, but I know this will be temporary. I need to make a choice, and my only hope is to go to Him, because I already know what I want to do. This is my life. I have a responsibility to live well, or live hell.

You know that song? I wonder if anyone who were born more than the 90's would know about it, but anywho, this is my MAJOR problem. Always. Even since I was a kid. Like, really. What, you think kids have no ego? I remember we have English that day, this was back in 2002 I think. Yeah. UPSR. So anyway, my teacher decided to play a game(?) to kill time and she told us to write something to our friend, but we will be anonymous, see? This is way before blogspot and Facebook. So after we wrote down what we wanted to say, our teacher collected our 'letters' and in turn, everyone will pick randomly and read it out loud. Boy, I was so nervous! It happens that I got one anonymous letter and I was really happy about that, because yeah I felt that someone acknowledges me. Yeah, I have been pathetic as long as I can remember.  So what this anon said, I am kind etc etc and all that but really, is it really that hard for me to apologize? That last sentence caught me off-g...

I get it, you don't want to do this. You tell yourself you're going to go on but deep inside you keep on wanting to quit, and that kills you, doing what you hate. You feel burdened, by the responsibility that you need to shoulder. You keep on thinking of the possible consequences if you quit now; your parents will feel disappointed in you because you're disappointing them(again), your parents-in-law will feel disappointed in you too, your brothers will not respect you(again).  True, you might hate the attention at first but you'll be happy because you're finally free, but then again, you're still doubting yourself; do you really want that life? Being pressured by requirements? Being pressured by exams? You hate it, and you admit it.  But life is also a test, and life is not a test you can call quits on, unless you decide to go straight to Hell by jumping off a building. You are not a quitter; you need to face this test, and the test is to finish wha...

So I had a dream today. I was dreaming about me, my mom, my younger brother numero deux(that's number 2 for you non-francophone-ers) and baby brother. What made me sad wasn't the dream, but the realization that, in my dreams, my brothers (no. 2 and youngest) always appear at the same age that I left them last time I came home, 10 years old and the youngest, at 3 years old.  When I spoke of my journey before and after I become a Muslim, I always spoke of it lightly and I managed to make the audience feel that I faced it easy peasy. Of course, I couldn't really cry as I did when I first time spoke of it because since then I have shed so many tears and faced too many frustrations, and one of them is not being able to be by my brothers' side when they were growing up. I babied them more than my brother after me simply because the last two brothers arrived when I am mature enough to take care of them, especially the youngest. I felt more like their mother rather tha...

I have known all kinds of sadness; abandoned, unwanted, rejected, isolated, ousted, ostracized. I wish I could stay as that innocent young girl, unknowing of the life that I will lead, unknowing of the torment that my heart would feel, unknowing of the reality as cruel as a beast, and unknowing of the ugliness of defeat. Deep in my heart, I will always be that innocent young girl, pure at heart, ready to believe, ready to accept the good in people, ready to forgive, though how cold my mask I set on me, fragile and easily broken, because the truth is, I never really grew up because I couldn't. I just couldn't. I am the same as the day I was born, lonely and alone.

So. Story of my life.  For you newcomers, welcome and greetings. I feel obliged to tell you why this blog has so many visitors despite the very small amount of blog posts.  First of all, you may need to know that I ACTUALLY started blogging on the 18th of August 2008. Yes, I remembered the date accurately because I was at a friend's house in Malacca, to visit my younger brother who were still schooling at MOZAC at that time. I used to blog at justcallmesimple.blogspot.com but I imported my blog to this link you see now.  Why 'The Rocking Hijab'? This question, I get a lot. Well, before I become a Muslim, I used to fancy Avenged Sevenfold, Paramore, Linkin Park, all those stuffs so I can't quite get rid of my interest in 'screaming music' (to be honest, till now but it has been reduced immensely) right away after I proclaimed the syahadah so yeah, I feel that I suit the name at that time, and perhaps, until now.  When did I become a Musli...

One look at me, I wonder if Sherlock will be able to make a deduction. I must have looked like a wreck when I walked home in my white coat today. With a dull, exhausted face, plaster of Paris powder on my sleeves, remnants of latex gloves on my hands, front pocket bulging from the contents, from a block of wax to x-ray films, teeth and what not. When I came back to my room, I saw a glimpse of books I haven't had the time to read yet. I need to get myself sorted. As long as this week is not over, I don't think I can even rest.  Lately I went to sleep with anxiety which causes me to not be able to sleep well. I keep on waking up and I always woke with my heart beating fast, as if I just went for a run. I am also starting to have false hopelessness, headaches, heavy feeling in my heart when I woke up. Well, that's what my husband called it. I was telling him my troubles with sleeping and other things that I felt. He told me to go to a psychiatrist because I might be d...

I've promised myself that I would write after I posted my Maal Hijrah talk video on Facebook and here I am, after so long.  So, hi. These past few days I have understood more about myself than I could ever do in a million years. A conversation with a dear friend helped me realize that I have a Porcupine personality.  Porcupine Personality These people just seem to have a chip on their shoulder. They walk into every situation expecting to be offended. They're determined to find fault with anything and everything going on around them. No matter what the situation, they're quick to personalize any act or statement as offensive to their sensibilities. They're prickly. Trying to get close to them is like trying to hug a porcupine. As a result, people engage them, if at all, at arm's length. The world recognizes that interacting with the porcupine is a lose-lose situation. Porcupines typically complain about how cold people are around them; they're baff...

Through out the years, I have faced so much pain when it comes to relationships matters. You might mutter to yourself, who doesn't?, but for me, it was a different thing altogether. My history of relationships have involved the wrong people to get involved with and even when the right kind of people comes along, I somehow hurt them in the process and after years of analysing my own black box of fail, I realised the problem lies in me, due to my own insecurity.  If I try to bring myself to it, I might be able to muster just a little bit of confidence on people that I call 'friends'. My problem is that, I always think that I am not someone you can befriend, at least, not to a close proximity. I feel that people won't accept me for who I am and even though my friends have told me over and over that my thoughts are not true at all, I find them talking about me behind my back for things I believed in, because I like to get involved in bizarre things and sometimes, such ...

I have been meaning to write since the robbery but I didn't because I didn't feel like it. I went to the police station yesterday to make an addition to the previous report done by my housemate and I am probably the only person to have ever giggled at a policeman for his accidental typo. I felt like a kid.  Anyway, we managed to know the point of entry and we found out that the robbers cut one of the grills and came in through the window in my room. It was interesting though how the robber only took my laptop and left my roommate's laptop untouched. My loss were the most compared to my housemates and 100 times more than what they had lost combined. This incident only reminds me of one verse that is verse 286 of Al-Baqarah.  I have been through quite a lot of things recently and with the robbery and add this week being not so favourable to me, it was kind of stressful and I can't wait for my week-long Deepavali break starting Friday next week. I haven't gott...

Feelings : Betrayed, lost, misunderstood. I'm about to rant. Bear with me.  You know, being the only married person among my single friends is hard. Before, you share everything that made you happy with your friends and now that I'm married, with my husband being miles away from me(make that, at the other end of the country, the peninsular part), I also share certain things, like how happy I am now etc but I realized that maybe those kind of things are not meant to be shared, since well, they can't relate to it hence, it will make them feel frustrated and some eye rolling actions will be done. But I failed to see that you know? Because I really thought, 'Hey, friends are supposed to be happy for each other,' and all that stuff. So eventually I stopped sharing and even the fact that I went back every 2 weeks to meet up with my husband also made some people making ruthless remarks about it. It's like I can't take a break. It's even more tiring when ...

You know, since a few days ago, I realized that no matter how great people say your personality is, people will always take account of your face. For example, one dude actually had the guts to tell me that he found out about me from a friend of his and the first question that he asked his friend was, "How did she look like?" So yeah, he narrated rather jovially that his friend told me that I look plain. Of course, I knew that since eons ago but could he not be more rubbing it in my plain face? And he had the guts to tell me to not be offended by it. Good grief.  I know I'm a plain Jane but I don't think I have to listen or read to anyone emphasize the fact that I am nowhere near beautiful and bordering to ugly. I hate how people can be so cruel sometimes. They didn't know how much I hated my looks already I guess, and now they're making me feel like I can't do anything right without being judged for my plain look.  My brother once told me that I ...

My dad called me last night. We had a long chat.  It was...enlightening. At least, for me. The excitement in his voice sent me choking on my own tears with the thought of how much I missed him, and how much I missed being his daughter. Just his daughter. Not a wife, not a dental student, not a revert. His voice gave way to lots of things, and one of them is how much he missed me, his first born, his only girl. My mind sent me travelling back into memory lane, during my halcyon days, when I was free of worry and those days when the only one who does the worrying was him. I remembered when a boy threw a book at me in kindergarten and he immediately stopped sending me there. I remembered my first arithmetic lesson when he taught me because I wanted to learn at the age of 4. I remembered my usual nutrition lesson when he told me what to eat and why I should eat prawns because it has iodine even though I didn't even know how to spell it yet at that time. ...

Hatred POEM VERSES 32-33 Another disease is hatred for other than the sake of [God] the  Exalted. Its cure is to pray for the one despised. This is with the understanding that you have not done wrong if you are repulsed by the hatred you harbor and do not act in  accordance with it [to harm the person]. Definition and Treatment The next disease is hatred (bughd). In itself, hatred is not necessarily negative. It is commendable to hate corruption,  evil, disbelief, murder, lewdness, and anything else that God has exposed as despicable. The Prophet never  disliked things because of their essences, but because of what they manifested. Hatred or strong dislike of a person for no legitimate reason is the disease of bughd. The Prophet once said to his  Companions, "Do you want to see a man of Paradise?" A man then passed by and the Prophet said, "That man is  one of the people of Paradise." So a Companion of the Prophet decided to lea...

I have recently finished We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shiver  and it gave me a major hangover. I even cried like a baby at one of the chapters near to the end but I am not ashamed of this, at all. I am not going to write about the content. I feel that I might spoil things for you but here are few from the many quotes which makes me realized that I love this book as a whole.  “...You can only subject people to anguish who have a conscience. You can only punish people who have hopes to frustrate or attachments to sever; who worry what you think of them. You can really only punish people who are already a little bit good.”  ―  Lionel Shriver ,  We Need to Talk About Kevin   “I thought at the time that I couldn't be horrified anymore, or wounded. I suppose that's a common conceit, that you've already been so damaged that damage itself, in its totality, makes you safe.”  ―  Lionel Shriver ,  We Need to Talk About Kevin   “Be...

Nothing much. Same old, same old, except for the fact that I texted my dad a few days ago. I know, I know, this is somewhat random but I just think it needs to be done before we meet for the first time this Eid.  The conclusion was, he just wants me to be a doctor. That's it.  My brother will be flying to the U.S to study at the Penn State Uni doing a degree in engineering. So the whole family will be sending him off at the KLIA. I'll be there too, inshaAllah and so, I shall meet my dad for the first time AND perhaps, I might even actually talk to him for the very first time in, 2013 minus 2010, 3 years.  3 years. Wow. Never thought it was that long ago. The text message went from ' From now on we had nothing to do with each other '(2010) to ' Focus on your study .'(2013) I am feeling somewhat blank and to be honest, I really don't know what I should be feeling. I asked myself a series of questions but still I am nowhere near finding the...

Saw a past post of someone talking about my blog and I started analyzing the ups and downs of my life since 2008. I realized a lot have changed but not really.  I also realized that I am just human, who is bound by limits and sometimes are defeated by my relapsing past inner demons.  For those who think that I am worthy of an inspiration, thank you for that.  It gives me hope that I can be better than who I used to be. Again, thanks. No amount of gratitude can be of equal to your support and encouragement. Sorry for my nonsensical rants at times. I can be a bit radical in my approach but that's just a part of me that I don't really like. As of now I have nothing to like about myself, especially my tendency to become pessimistic on most things. I pray I may like myself genuinely one day, because right now I am constantly fighting my own enemy, that is myself. I sometimes hope to see myself from the eyes of people, so I may see what they see in me. Pe...