This is me

I find people around me, tethers on their toes whenever they want to speak to me, calculating whenever they wanted to express a thought near me, even my own family, and when I asked my husband why that is so, he told me it is obvious that I am like an egg, having a tough exterior but easily broken. I appear strong but I also look like I might break down any second. 

That is unfortunately true, I have a heart which gives too much when loving, and a heart that easily forgives no matter how many times a person, the same person, may stab me in the back. I am the kind of person who turns her back to let them stab me in the front instead. I am too generous with my heart, but I denied them in public to lie to myself, so that perhaps I may believe that I am not as soft as I actually am. 

I am misunderstood most of the time, because when someone hurt me I tend to avoid them, as if I don't forgive them, but what they don't know is that I feel the need to be out of their sight, because I fear that they might not want to be close to me, or touch me at all, or even speak to me. I feel that they might not want me around, as I am always shunned, given the cold treatment whenever I made mistakes throughout my life. 

I am also too defensive, but that is just because I feel the need to guard my fragile heart, and all I keep hearing is that I need to lower my guard, especially with my own family.

I just wish people would stop thinking that I hate them, or that I do not forgive them, and see the person that I really am for once, but that would mean I would have to lower my guard, so I guess that's not going to happen, until I have the courage to open up, or maybe when I finally love myself for who I am. 

I wanted to love myself, but I don't know how.