Blown up

Feelings : Betrayed, lost, misunderstood.

I'm about to rant. Bear with me. 

You know, being the only married person among my single friends is hard. Before, you share everything that made you happy with your friends and now that I'm married, with my husband being miles away from me(make that, at the other end of the country, the peninsular part), I also share certain things, like how happy I am now etc but I realized that maybe those kind of things are not meant to be shared, since well, they can't relate to it hence, it will make them feel frustrated and some eye rolling actions will be done. But I failed to see that you know? Because I really thought, 'Hey, friends are supposed to be happy for each other,' and all that stuff. So eventually I stopped sharing and even the fact that I went back every 2 weeks to meet up with my husband also made some people making ruthless remarks about it. It's like I can't take a break. It's even more tiring when I meet up with people who once were almost close to me but because of the fact that I am not living at the same hostel anymore, and also not of the same batch, gave me a guilt trip saying that this is how a married woman is and that I don't even think about them anymore. Everything I do, people give me a hard time just because I AM MARRIED and it sucks alright? Geez.

Even as a student, I learnt that when students gossip, the lecturers tend to join in too and before you know it, the whole lumpin' school knows about you and associate everything you do, like why I am not staying at the hostel so it must be because I am living with my husband now and as you all know, my husband is in Johor. So you see, the annoying thing about gossipers are, they never made sure the facts are right and they never dig in. For me, if you're really into gossiping, dig further until you can dig no more before you make an ignorant remark. (I'm not pro gossiping by the way) And it happened during our problem based learning discussion too. How unprofessional. I wasn't living in the freaking hostel because I couldn't get in okay? And I had to walk everyday, making sure I catch the back gate so that I can manage to get to the lecture hall in freaking 15 minutes because if the gate is closed (they're open from 6.30 a.m.-8.30 a.m. in the morning, 12.30-2.30 p.m, and 4.30-6.00 p.m. in the evening), that will make my journey 10 minutes more. You touch about my personal life in front of other students and in one second you changed my impression on you. Not cool, dude. Not cool.

As a blogger and now a writer, people starts giving me a headache because of comments on my looks and stuffs. Whatever. I'm just going to ignore that. And you see, I wasn't going to announce it at first, but then I thought it might affect the selling of my book and my publisher's company because of the low publicity. At first, most of them was like, "Why didn't you tell us?" and got upset with me because I am so inconsiderate to hide such a wonderful news. How about you come here and put yourself in my shoes. The reason that I did not do that was because I was afraid my parents might find out about it and yeah, you know, it is so easy to get misunderstood about this kind of thing, and it makes me even more nervous because I wrote it way back before I got on good terms with dad JUST last Eid so yeah, didn't you think about that? And they have the nerve to tell me that my prose is terrible. I know that, which is also why I am not that keen on the promotion. Did you see me promoting that much? No, right?

I write that by pouring my heart out, and I know my Malay sucks eggs but still, with the intention that I wanted people to understand how I feel about Islam, I hoped for people to understand that but no, everyone wants to play jury now don't they? When people say bad things about it, of course I would feel attacked personally because it's my life you're commenting about, and I wasn't going for any fiction prize anyway. If you looking for a book with good prose, read Hlovate's. Just leave my terrible prose alone. 

On a sad note, I know that I am not good enough, which is why I was never the one who submitted my manuscript first to the publisher. The publisher asked me whether they can publish my story in a book so I went for it. It was never because I am good enough to write about it. No.

Being a writer also sucks when people around me know about it. I don't like it when people associate that I don't want to do certain things, or behaved in a certain way because I am famous now. I am ALWAYS like that, come on.

Most of the people around me thinks that I am totally enjoying my life now. I got everything didn't I? Freaking love and fame. Now who doesn't want that? I won't say that I don't want love, I would be lying if I do, but seriously, fame? Grow up, get a life and stop making mine difficult. 

It's hard enough that I am dealing with my own problems now, NOW THAT I AM FREAKING FAMOUS.

I'll give you something to sneer and laugh about and maybe people like you guys would get a good night sleep from reading this. 

I'm given shit by people(I always say people because I don't want to be specific), because I got married while I was studying so that makes me someone who can't wait till I get a proper job because I am so 'miang'(lusty) and I JUST can't control my raging nafs so yeah, obviously I am ruining my life. 

I am currently the ONLY one who failed BOTH of my recent Dental exams in THE BATCH. So yeah, maybe my getting married has got to do with it again, OBVIOUSLY.

I keep on declining to join outings and stuffs or bought obviously CHEAP presents because I am saving money just in case I have a baby while I am still studying because even though how good my planning is, Allah's plan overrules. Now, that is totally selfless. So not me. Obviously. (read: sarcasm)

And oh yeah, I AM planning, and for the umpteenth time, I know what I am doing when I decided to get married. I wasn't going to be irresponsible and dump the baby in my mother in law's care, as you think I WILL do. Obviously, I will do that right? That is just like me. Selfish and irresponsible.

People keep on telling me to consider their feelings and this is me FINALLY bursting and considering MINE.

I don't care really, what people will think about this post because all I have done since the beginning of this blog is thinking about other people's reaction.

I can't hope for people to understand what I am feeling right now and I only hope that I will grow stronger each day. 

I obviously can't return the respect that is lost, and I obviously can't apologize for everything that I do that I don't know of that made certain people hate my guts so much. 

I also can't hope for people to realize that I am also human by the end of this post, because I am done hoping so I will just do what I can to spread what I believed in so much, and share the message of understanding Islam as I have done since years ago.

Thank you lillahi taala to those who keeps on supporting me since the beginning or the middle or people who just stumbled upon this unworthy blog. It must have been hard for you, to cheer on someone who doesn't even believe in herself and what she is worth. 

I'm glad for this journey and inshaAllah I will keep on writing to inspire those who can be through my thoughts and His will, correcting my flaws as I go. 

***

A verse to remind myself.

And who is more unjust than one who is reminded of the verses of his Lord but turns away from them and forgets what his hands have put forth? Indeed, We have placed over their hearts coverings, lest they understand it, and in their ears deafness. And if you invite them to guidance - they will never be guided, then - ever. {18:57}

***

Another thing I have to remind myself. People won't care about my feelings. They only care for their own.