Something Other than God: How I Passionately Sought Happiness and Accidentally Found It

Prepare to be inspired by Something Other than God.  Oh, wait, Jennifer Fulwiler already tried that approach, and it didn’t go at all the way she planned.  The high-powered job, racy sports car, fancy house, decadent parties, and expensive vacations she thought were essential to be content in life weren’t enough.    

    
Fulwiler relentlessly pursued wealth and the finer things.  She met and married someone as ambitious and single-minded as she was when it came to work and worldly measures of success.  They were on the way up the corporate ladder to the penthouse suite when the arrival of a small, helpless human being changed everything.  It was more than sleep deprivation and the weight of being responsible for the safety and well-being of a newborn that made her question all aspects of her life up to that point.  Though she fought against such introspection, she was most distraught over losing her grasp of atheism.

    
Raised as an atheist who made fun of the many Christians around her trying to talk her into accepting Christ as her personal Savior, she was horrified to find herself being drawn to answers that were beyond her understanding and comfort level—ones certainly above her pay-grade.  She became obsessed with reading about Christianity, the Bible, researching as much as she could, and questioning everything along the way. 

    
As you can imagine, there are some very amusing scenarios that factor into Fulwiler’s full-blown existential crisis.  Conversion Diary, the blog she began so she could ask the tough questions about Christianity, morality, ethics, and get responses from people who were willing to answer her questions and concerns on both an intellectual level as well as a spiritual one remains tremendously popular.  What started as a hobby as she was seeking Truth, opened her up to the Catholic faith and a vocation of sharing her journey with others through her humorous writing, harrowing, often humbling tales of motherhood, and her struggle against her tendencies to be a mostly inert introvert.

    
There are a number of people I’ve thought of whom I’d love to have read Something Other than God.  Fulwiler writes in a compelling way that brings to light the many questions she grappled with and the answers she came to over time.  This memoir is an account of how one woman set out to achieve worldly success and how, through the grace of God, she discovered a greater longing, a deeper void, which nothing and no one other than God can fill.  Fulwiler slaved over this memoir while raising several young children, dodging dubious scorpions, inadvertently providing exercise entertainment for her neighbors, and attempting creative ways to corral her children enough to maintain her sanity (most of the time), so the least you can do is buy it, read it, and recommend it to all your friends—atheist or otherwise. 

     
For more information about this book or to order your copy, click here.  To read more about Jennifer Fulwiler's current life events, funny happenings, and daily struggles, check out her blog Conversion Diary.  I received a free copy of this book from Aquinas and More in exchange for an honest review.

A Subtle Grace by Ellen Gable

A Subtle Grace is the latest masterpiece by bestselling author/editor Ellen Gable.  It is the sequel to the award-winning novel In Name Only.  I’ve really been looking forward to this sequel because I was so thoroughly impressed by the first book, which vividly depicts the lives of the O’Donovan family in the late eighteen hundreds.  I love when I get so drawn into a book that I can picture myself in the scenes and have a real sense of the thoughts and emotions surging through the characters.  She blends dialogue and descriptive prose to create full-bodied personalities.  It is easy to identify and relate to each person’s unique charms, quirks, and flaws. 

  
There are scenes in certain books, plays, and movies that stick with us because of how disturbing or upsetting they are.  Maybe it’s an image from one of the ghost stories popular at sleepovers or an urban legend that hits a little too close to home.  We can all think back to a particular scenario we’ve envisioned and relive the emotions as if it was happening to us in the present.  Adrenalin starts pumping.  Our heart beats faster.  Our palms sweat.  Our muscles tense.  Every sound is amplified and ominous.  We are sure of our safety, nevermore. 

  
In each of these novels, there are a number of scenes I found myself reacting to on a visceral level because of how powerfully crafted and carefully portrayed they are.  The suspense made me not want to put the books down even when the turn of events caused me to cringe.  Gable manages to treat a number of the scenarios I would definitely include in my top five biggest fears of all time in ways that compel me to continue onward through the horror and devastation to discover what’s waiting on the other side.  I can’t exactly say that I enjoy feeling awful, but to me it’s a mark of good storytelling if you can get me to empathize with the characters so deeply that a real sense of sorrow rises within me when they are suffering and a genuine joy comes over me when they have triumphed over it.

  
This is one of my favorite contemporary works of Catholic fiction.  (For purposes of classification, I'm defining contemporary as works written between the 1980 and today) .  The storytelling is masterful, the characters fascinating, and the writing is of high literary quality.  People are imperfect—past, present, and future—but each is given the opportunity to grow, change, learn, and be redeemed.  In this story it’s shown how the greatest mistake of our lives can be turned into one of the most amazing blessings and even be a source of hope for others.  Life’s messy.  People are complex.  We’ve all got some skeletons in our closets, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t also fit some trophies and triumphs in there as well. 

A Subtle Grace has all of the elements that good Catholic fiction should.  For more information about In Name Only or A Subtle Grace, click here.  I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.            

You Are Not Alone & A Partial Potter Update

Dear Family and friends,

     We want to be there for you always.  We want you to feel comfortable calling us for whatever you need   whenever you need it, especially during the most difficult times! For those of you who we have been there for at least some of the time, please know that you are not partially responsible or at all responsible for the times when Kevin and I are feeling worn out and/or rundown.  Even if we have not been as good about calling, visiting, or checking in with you lately as we could be, please rest assured that you our on our minds, in our thoughts, and certainly in our prayers.

     Our struggle has a lot more to do with being upset for the times we don't feel we have much to offer anyone, even each other and those closest to us.  We struggle with feeling like we’re not enough, not who anyone wants or needs us to be, not living up to what anyone would like or expects of us.  It’s painful when some of the ways we’d like to be able to reach out and help others, we no longer are in a position, physically, emotionally, spiritually, or financially that we can offer the assistance we’d like to offer and in many cases have given in the past. 

Still Searching

     Kevin’s been looking for work ever since he lost his job on Labor Day, and though he’s had some good leads and applied to a number of places, nothing’s come together, yet.  He’s networked with some great people and been given some prospects to check out.  He’s kept an open mind, kept praying, and kept pounding the pavement.  Last week, he received the letter saying that he’d been sent his last unemployment check.  He was hit with a wave of frustration, anger, and anxiety that he hasn’t found a new job, yet.    

     Regardless of what other things are going on, I’ve needed to take pretty much every subbing job I’ve been offered due to our financial situation.  Don't get me wrong; I love working at school with different age groups of children and a number of great teachers teachers.  I’ve learned a great deal and have come to appreciate the Montessori method as an ideal way of educating children.  However, as anyone who has served as a substitute knows, it can be more exhausting than usual when you don’t yet know the routine or all of the kids and specifics of the role played by the person for whom you’re filling that day.  There’s so much to try and remember and learning on-the-go can be a challenge in an environment where there are already a significant number of important Department of Social Services rules, regulations, and procedures to keep in mind. 

Running on Empty

     Over the past couple months, I’ve most often felt like I’ve been running on empty.  We’ve had so much going on that it’s been hard to catch my breath.  I’m behind on a number of things as is really obvious if you look around our apartment or consult any one of my “To Do Lists.”  I can’t seem to relax much, because I always feel like there’s something else I should be doing.  Yes, I know that I just finished reading Crash the Chatterbox twice in a row, but it’s so flipping difficult to put it into practice day in and day out. 

     Anywhere I look, I see and think about something I should be doing for our marriage, our family, friends, to improve our financial situation, to straighten up our place, to minister to others, and it just makes me more discouraged when I get so caught up in all that I could be doing and some of what I should be doing that I haven’t yet. 

Enjoy the Ride

     A Cursillo friend of ours who is single and lives alone was recovering from knee surgery and then had shoulder surgery at the beginning of April and needed help with rides to and from her physical therapy appointments, and such.  I think of her regularly and get upset with myself for not having checked up on her recently or at the very least sent her a card.  Kevin and I were blessed to be in position that we could help. 

     I showed up to give our friend a ride and couldn’t pull it together soon enough before I got to her place that she could tell I’d been crying.  There are few things that make me feel as ridiculous and pitiful as feeling the least bit sad or depressed when I’m well aware that others are suffering way worse than I am.       

     Did my friend get in the car and ask me what could I possibly have to cry about since I didn’t recently have to have a series of IV infusions just so I could finally have the knee surgery, followed by shoulder surgery after a car accident a year before that wasn’t even my fault?  No.  Did she tell me that I should be wildly rejoicing because I’m able to move around without difficulty, have a husband who loves me, don’t live alone, have family nearby, and friends who care about me?  No.  She got in the car and was genuinely concerned about what had happened that made me feel so upset that I am not enough in any area of my life and that I can’t seem to do anything right.  (Unfortunately, these are beliefs about myself I have struggled with most of my life that sometimes drag me down further than other times.  I’m better at fighting them sometimes than others).

     I am amazed by this woman’s fighting spirit and can do attitude.  She is persistent and insistent that she get through these surgeries and get back to an active lifestyle.  She’s assured those of us who used to gather weekly for prayer group that come summer, she’ll be running circles around all of us again.       

An Influx of Family Visits

     The week leading up to the Women’s Cursillo Weekend was even busier than I’d expected it to be and more tiring.  Holy Week is usually a full time for us anyway, but we had even more packed in this time.  On Good Friday, Kevin’s sister and brother-in-law stopped in while driving down to meet their newest granddaughter, so we spent some time with them before heading to church for the Veneration of the Cross.  Saturday, we met them in the morning, then we headed over to my sister’s house to see my uncle, aunt, two cousins, and their two friends, who were in town for lunch and an afternoon visit at my sister’s house before they drove back home to upstate New York.  That evening, Kevin and I attended the Easter Vigil at St. Michael’s, which was quite beautiful, as always. 

A Window of Opportunity

     I spent a good chunk of time that week putting together blog posts, journal entries, and writing a very long letter to Michele Morris, so I could send her a package of things during the two weeks after Easter when she can receive, read, and respond to mail to let her know what’s going on in our area with Cursillo, mutual family and friends, etc.  In the letter I sent her at Christmastime, I’d let her know that I would be serving on team for Cursillo on the weekend of Divine Mercy Sunday, so I knew she would be praying for everyone participating on the weekend, especially during that time. 

A Loved One Lost

     The Wednesday before Cursillo began, Kevin and I had a funeral to attend that morning at Epiphany on the Southside.  Kay Marie Geiger, who had been really sick with cancer for a number of months, went to be with the Lord, so we gathered with her family, many friends, and Cursillistas to celebrate her life and legacy.  (Life has been so crazy, busy, and hectic since then that I have yet to finish writing my tribute to this wonderful woman who has been such a loving, compassionate presence in our lives). 

Now is the Time: ACTION

     The evening of April 23, 2014, we spent several hours at Shalom House unloading cars, moving lots of furniture and beginning to get things set-up for the Women’s Cursillo Weekend that took place April 24-27. 
Thursday, another team member and I arrived back at Shalom House in the early afternoon to continue preparations.  There was so much running around and taking care of things that I managed to go the entire weekend without having a really in-depth, intimate conversation with anyone at all.  I have a hard time keeping up with all the running if I don’t connect with anyone on a deeper level than discussing the weather, meals, logistics, and other surface stuff. 

     Everyone on our team was wonderful, pitching in wherever needed, regardless of their assigned roles, but we were down an “angel,” those responsible for making sure everything and everyone is where they need to be and where it needs to be at or by the time specified.  One of our angels had to have a double mastectomy a few weeks before the Cursillo, and she blessed us by coming for a few hours when she was up to it and to give her talk, but her work and offerings during the weekend itself, understandably, needed to be predominantly prayers since she was still recovering from surgery.  I should have visited her or sent her a few cards by now, but again, I haven’t.  She’s certainly been in my thoughts and prayers, though. 

Sharing Straight from the Heart

     Two of the talks given on Divine Mercy Sunday as part of the Cursillo weekend I knew would hit me really hard.  One talk was given by a woman who bravely shared the story of how she and her family have felt God’s presence and love in the months since last September when their youngest son committed suicide.  The second talk was given by the woman who has also found strength and hope in the Cursillo community when she was diagnosed for a second time with breast cancer and this time had a double mastectomy and will also need chemo and radiation.  I made it through each of these talks by sitting in the way back of the room, letting the tears stream down my face, then leaving the minute they were finished to go back and have some quiet time to myself in our room.  By Sunday evening, I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted and ready to collapse.

While You Were Gone

     Within the next couple days, we learned of troubling news about some of our close friends.  One friend, whom I had invited to come on the weekend and who discerned that this wasn’t the right time for her to go, informed us that the previous Thursday she’d found out that her ex-husband had been found dead in his apartment.  He had not been in good health, nor had he taken very good care of himself, but it was still unexpected and, of course, hard on the family.  Kevin and I devoted an evening to help clean out the ex-husband’s apartment, which we needed a mask and gloves just to enter.  There were a number of things that reminded me of my dad and his declining health and struggles at the end of his life, so that wasn’t easy to manage.  We attended the funeral Mass held at church which was quite beautiful, but again reminded me of losing my dad at a young age.   

Not much rest for the weary

     The Monday after the weekend, I slept and rested most of the day, then met several team members and their spouses back up at Shalom House to clean up, move furniture back, organize and put supplies away, and such. 

     We also found out that a good friend of ours had been hospitalized for the second time in one week.  That Tuesday, Kevin and I were on our way to Mass at St. Benedict’s.  Actually we were in the parking lot, when I happened to check my phone before going into 5:30 Mass.  I’d already turned the ringer off, but something nudged me to look at my phone again before heading in.  Our friend whose husband had been hospitalized called asking if we would be so kind as to pick up dinner and bring it over to her at the hospital.  We left to go be there for our friends while they were facing a difficult time. 

We’ve got your back

     As we've said to the dear friends of ours who are fighting some tough stuff, including one of them having recently been diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, it's nice to be able to do some practical things to let you both know we love you.  Sometimes, it's hard to know how to help or what to do, so having specific things to take care of makes it easier.  I need or ride or a meal or for you to get this from the store for me are tangible things we can do to offer assistance.  We are saddened by the burdens that some of our family and friends are carrying, but we are also very hopeful for each one of you in the midst of these crises. 

Prayers and Presence

     Two of our friends each lost a parent in the past couple months.  We weren’t able to attend either of those funerals.  Another couple we know through Cursillo lost their 20 year old son who committed suicide a couple weeks ago.  When we arrived at the Ultreya that Friday evening that was at their parish, they were outside to receive an outpouring of love, hugs, and condolences.   I’ve prayed for all of these people, their loved ones lost, and the families in mourning.  I’ve given each of our friends hugs when I’ve seen them in person and expressed my sorrow over their losses, but I have yet to send any of them sympathy cards or letters.

More than meets the eye   

     There are many crosses Kevin and I are carrying which only a handful of people know about at all.  Only a select few people know the weight and depth of these burdens and what we’ve gone through to keep moving forward despite them.   It's been a struggle for us to trust in God in these areas when it seems like there's no change or improvement, not just recently, but over a period of many months, even years.

     Seeing the hope and courage of others in the face of major challenges and drawbacks inspires both of us.  We are grateful that family and friends share their joys and sorrows with us.  That's how it's supposed to be.

Depression Is a Taste of the Agony in the Garden

Depression is a taste of what Jesus experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane.  The profound sense of feeling worthless, useless, unlovable, unwanted, unneeded, rejected, abandoned, judged, condemned, on the verge of despair, lonely, in so much pain you just want your life to be over.  These emotions come together in a way that completely overwhelms the sufferer at times.

      
It’s the utter loneliness and desperation of feeling isolated, cast aside; that the people closest to you seem millions of miles away—far too distant to comfort you in your time of affliction no matter what they do or say. 

      
A painful ache and brokenness remain in the head and the heart that keep the person from thinking about forgiveness, mercy, or redemption.  All that’s present are the past mistakes, indiscretions, injuries inflicted on others or by others, as well as those which have been self-inflicted.  Thoughts and feelings swim around creating a vortex of negativity spinning out of control, becoming increasingly powerful as each sin, pain, hurt—emotional, physical, and/or spiritual is sucked into the abyss feeding the frenzy of fear and helplessness.

      
Time moves painfully slowly.  The seconds go by, but the clock’s ticking is the sound of a time bomb about to explode.  Neither friends nor family nearby can comprehend or alleviate the suffering.  Past sins and recent mistakes loom large and appear overwhelming, a heavy crushing weight bearing down. 

      
It is wanting desperately for the pain to cease while feeling stuck—that there’s nothing anyone could do or say to bring you around.  The only way beyond it is through it.  Any brief glimmer of hope, inclination to smile or laugh is sucked out of you, leaving no trace of mirth or even a clear memory of it.  Each moment is empty, devoid of pleasure, joy, or consolation. 

            
Dark shadows lurk in every corner and black clouds block the sun’s light and warmth.  Worry consumes until unfettered panic sets in.  The tiny, pitiful spirit within screams, but no sound comes forth.  The warmth of someone’s hand, the gentle tenderness of a kiss, soothing words mean nothing, can’t reach the ache deep inside.
     
I wrote this reflection on Holy Saturday of Holy Week, March 30, 2013.  I have suffered from bouts of depression ever since the age of 9 years old.  I know many people who are struggling or have struggled with some type of depression at some point in their lives.  Often people in the midst of it feel that they are isolated and alone, that their life is useless and worthless, but it's not.  If you're alive, then God can still work in and through you, whether you feel or think that's the case or not.  
     
Here are some of the books I have found to be most helpful and hopeful in dealing with depression and/or in being a loving presence to someone who is struggling with it:

Surviving Depression by Kathryn J. Hermes, FSP

Holding on to Hope by Kathryn J. Hermes, FSP

Healing Life's Hurts through Theophostic Prayer by Dr. Edward M. Smith

Never Give Up: My Life and God's Mercy by John Janaro

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

Home Tonight by Henri Nouwen

Fresh Bread and Other Gifts of Spiritual Nourishment by Joyce Rupp

Burst: A Story of God's Grace When Life Falls Apart by Kevin Wells

Life Without Limits by Nick Vujicic

Unstoppable by Nick Vujicic

My Personal Prayer for Depression Sufferers: Lord, draw close to Your heart all who have all but lost the will to live, who have lost hope, and/or who can see no reason for their lives, no greater purpose or significance.  Help them reach out in honesty and truth to those around them.  Give them the courage to voice their thoughts, feelings, fears, and hopes to someone they can trust.  Open the hearts and minds of those who are in a position to offer them help, hope, encouragement, support, and prayers.  

LOVE KNOW LIVE

     If we treat love as a verb and a decision then we tend to view it a bit differently from the way we would the noun, especially when surrounded by a slew of heart-shaped candies, mushy cards, and suggestions for romantic overtures around Valentine’s Day.  Real love requires sacrifice, selflessness, and a commitment to the overall wellbeing of another.  It’s not always neat, pretty, or easy to love others.  Christ showed us that during His Passion and death.

     “Real love leaves scars” a priest once told us in his homily.  We can’t offer true love and charity to others without giving something of ourselves.  Oftentimes suffering, struggle, and resistance are necessary elements we face internally or externally when we commit to being there for and with someone, come what may.

     Of course we have the most amazing examples of love from which to learn: the Father’s love for us, as expressed in giving up His Only Son for our salvation, and the Blessed Mother’s love for God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the whole of humanity in saying yes to being the supreme God-bearer-Theotokos.  We can know love because God loves us first and shows us how to extend that charity, tenderness, and devotion through serving others. 

     We know someone loves us when he or she willingly accepts any challenges, suffering, and/or transformation necessary in mind, body, and spirit to bring us closer to the Lord.  Christ gave up everything out of love for us: His peace of mind, His healthy body, His power, all of it.  Some who many not know Christ can still know love because they have people in their lives who care deeply for and about them. 

     If we make a friend, we’re risking loving that person.  When that outreach is accepted, the person comes to a greater knowing that he or she is loved.  Once we know we are loved by others, but most importantly, by a merciful, compassionate God, then it is possible for us to go forth and live in that love.

     God is love.  We were created out of love and are sustained by it.  Taking time in prayer to listen to the Lord increases our awareness that God loves us and wants to love others through us.  We need to be plugged in, recharged, and rejuvenated by the Source of All Love if we are ever going to know and therefore be able to live out those most important of all commandments: 1.) Love the Lord God with all your mind, and with all your heart, and with all your strength 2.) Love your neighbor as yourself.  

Note to Readers: This reflection on their theme is dedicated to the participants of the 463rd Men's Cursillo taking place at Shalom House from this evening through Sunday.  This article first appeared in the February issue of The Rooster Review.  

Fresh Bread and Other Gifts of Spiritual Nourishment by Joyce Rupp

The whole grain taste of Fresh Bread is certainly one that can provide ample food for thought and considerable spiritual nourishment throughout the year.  Fresh Bread and Other Gifts of Spiritual Nourishment by Joyce Rupp, OSM is beautifully written, engaging, intimate, vulnerable, and honest.  From a place of humility and brokenness, the beauty of God’s love shines through her poetry, prose, prayers, and provocative questions with a quiet, gentle intensity that seeps into the soul.    

   
Since this book was recommended and loaned to me by my spiritual director, who likes to keep a copy on-hand for reference, I planned to skim the chapters that looked like they might speak to me most right now, then give it back.  At first, I did as planned, but God knew how much I needed to soak up the lovely imagery, faith-filled wisdom, and tender vulnerability of Fresh Bread in its entirety.  Crumbs, bits, and pieces here and there wouldn’t have been sufficient.  

   
The book is set-up to be used as a spiritual guide throughout the calendar year.  There is a themed chapter for each month.  Original poems, Scripture reflections, and memoir-like entries are included along with a passage of Scripture to read and meditate on for each day of that month, that goes along with the theme.  The reflections are often followed by another poem, a thoughtful, tender prayer, and four questions for journal keeping—one for each week.

   
Joyce Rupp, OSM is one of the authors who I feel understands on a deep level the struggles and challenges of following Christ, knowing there’s always room and need for us to grow.  I admire her greatly as a writer who is willing to let her weaknesses, suffering, and questioning be accessible to others, especially when there’s a chance it might lead them closer to the Lord.     

   
There are a select number of writers who I really love to read, learn from, and with whom I can genuinely identify on the deepest level.  Joyce Rupp is one of these writers, mentors, and people I hope to emulate through the written word and a willingness to let God speak through my life when and how He wishes. 

I highly recommend Fresh Bread for anyone interested in a closer walk with the Lord.  These reflections, poems, meditations, Scripture passages, and questions will present challenges and blessings beyond anything you can imagine.  Do yourself a favor, and have some Fresh Bread.  For more information about or to purchase your own Fresh Bread and Other Gifts of Spiritual Nourishment by Joyce Rupp, OSM, click here.

Why Can’t You Just Be Grateful?

That’s a very good question!  One I have struggled with quite a bit.  When someone (usually my husband) asks me this very same thing, I feel even more overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged that I can never seem to just do it: be grateful without any other sentiments muddying the waters. 

  
Kevin has developed an uncanny ability to speak out loud what I most fear and am worried about. When he does this, I often feel that he’s also asking what’s wrong with you and why can’t you figure this thing out.  Part of the issue is that I have a tendency to think others are upset with me and/or blaming me for whatever problems exist even when they are simply stating the issue or conflict is there. 

  
As you can imagine, my response to Kevin pinpointing what’s bothering me and even the implications of inquiring as to why I haven’t made sense of it, yet, more often makes me exasperated than grateful that someone gets what I’m fretting over.    

So Many Blessings

I know I have a number of blessings for which to be grateful.  I think of them and thank God for them regularly.  I’m usually pretty good about saying thank you to people.  For example, I always thank Kevin each and every time he does the grocery shopping, makes dinner, does the laundry, washes the dishes, or does any of the daily grind sorts of tasks.  He thanks me each time for taking care of the same sort of necessary chores. 

 
A while ago I wrote a post called Cop an Attitude of Gratitude because appreciation is so important and powerful.  When I hear, see, and read about the devastation in the Philippines and/or the poverty nearby, I feel embarrassed that I am ever anything but grateful.  The question returns to me time and again: why can’t you just be grateful for having clean water, food, shelter, clothes, people who love you and whom you love, faith in God, and a desire to do His Will…?  There’s a part of me that says if I feel any longing, sense of something missing, sorrow or loss, that I’m being an ungrateful wretch when I have so much that others are literally dying because they’re without.

Running on Empty

I’m reminded of the last few years of my dad’s life, when his health declined rapidly.  Suddenly, he needed help with things.  It got to the point at which it was too exhausting for him to do his own grocery shopping, so I’d usually take care of it.  Just walking around his little apartment, he’d get out of breath, though, he wore oxygen all the time. 

Sometimes when I’d come home feeling tired after running errands for him, I felt guilty.  I wanted to feel only privileged and grateful to have that time with him and be able to do things for him he could no longer take care of himself, but I couldn’t always manage to keep that attitude of gratitude.

  
When worn down and exhausted from other things Kevin and I were dealing with in addition to having two family members in hospice at the same time, I would get bogged down by all that I wasn’t doing or ways I was lacking.  It’s so easy to focus on the negatives when fatigue sets in.  Other days, I would rejoice and be glad for blessings I had often taken for granted: the ability to breathe without difficulty, to walk, run errands, help those suffering to smile and laugh, and affirm the Presence of God in others.

We're Only Human

Maybe it just means that we’re still human when we feel hurt, pain, and sorrow mixed in with our gratitude and/or perhaps it indicates that we aren’t as close to the Lord as we could be.  I don’t know.  I know some very strong, courageous, grateful people who have felt discouraged, downtrodden, and frustrated.  What if it’s not an either/or but a both/and?   We can be both grateful for what we do have and still have a tug in our heart for an area of our lives that is missing, lost, or painful. 

  
Longings and hopes can often be part of God nudging us towards other blessings He wants to give us or make more obvious in our lives.  It actually makes sense that we continue to want more in this life, because we aren’t really whole and one with God until we enter into eternal life.  There’s a big difference between greed and an awareness from the Holy Spirit of an area in our lives where we aren’t fulfilled.  Part of gratitude, I believe, is being generous with what we have.  No matter what happens, we always have something to offer others, even when we feel that we are at our lowest and most useless.  Fortunately, God can and often does work in and through people who are certain they have nothing left to give. 

Thank God in Advance

A dear family friend of ours from Kenya who came here with her children many years ago is one person who really impressed upon me the importance of thanking God in advance for what we have asked Him to do in our lives. 

I admire a faith so strong and sure of the Lord it hopes when it seems all reason for hope has gone.  I still marvel at the ways the Lord has walked in and through this powerful prayer warrior to demonstrate that hope in Jesus Christ is never a mistake.  Nothing is impossible with God.  Nothing at all.

     
In the midst of the deepest desires and most fervent longings God places on our hearts and guides us to work and hope for, we can be grateful for the prayers, blessings, and graces He gives us this day.  Though knowing we are lacking, we can share what we do have with open arms and hearts, confident that the Lord loves and rewards a cheerful giver.

Hard Habits to Break

I found this article “Breaking Bad Habits: Why It’s So Hard to Change” a while back, and it spoke to me.  I guess part of the reason is because I know I have unhealthy behaviors, and I’m often uncomfortably aware and, at times, even really bothered by other people’s practices, usually because they in some way mirror or bring to the surface weaknesses I have.  This article reminded me of what is helpful and productive in breaking bad habits and establishing good ones in their place.

     
A big part of my problem is that I tend to minimize the effects of what I do and how other people are inadvertently harmed in the process.  Comparing the severity or seriousness of something I could change with someone else’s addiction (whether clinically diagnosed as such or not) isn’t a good way to grow in holiness or compassion.

    
As we are reminded in the Gospel of Luke 18:9-14, when the Pharisee exalts himself before the Lord for his supposed righteousness and the tax collector stays in the back of the sanctuary begging God for forgiveness, acknowledging that he is a lowly sinner, desperately in need of God’s mercy, we see what’s in these men’s hearts.  The minute we take credit for any of the goodness in us instead of thanking God for it, we run into trouble, pride, and veer into self-righteousness. 

We think we are good because we keep the laws and do what we’re supposed to do, but if we are doing everything for show or the admiration, attention, or respect of others, God sees through that.  He knows what’s in our hearts, whether we care to acknowledge He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves or not.    

   
There have been way too many times in my life when I have judged others because of the decisions they make, though I’m often guilty of similar mistakes and sins.  My thoughts go generally something like this: Well, at least I’m not doing what so-and-so is doing.  What they are doing is sooooo much worse and more despicable, destructive, immoral, sinful, disgusting…  I would never stoop so low as that.  Wow!  I can’t believe they can’t see what a mess they’re making of things.  I mean, really, someone should do an intervention or something.

    
Does that line of thinking sound familiar to you?  Over the years, I’ve learned that when I feel really upset by something someone is doing, it’s most often due to the fact that their behavior triggers an area of weakness in me.  In seeing someone else as different, less noble, less fragile… less anything, then we are refusing to look at what inside of us is lacking. 

    
It’s always easier to point fingers and criticize others than it is to take responsibility and ownership for the decisions we make and things we do that reflect that we are just as proud, arrogant, selfish, sinful, and disillusioned as they are.  (I covered this topic in a blog post titled What's the Best Reason I Know to Have a Personal Relationship with God? I Am!) 

    
Simone Weil stated that: “Every sin is an attempt to fly from emptiness.” This quote appears in the Magnificat magazine for Sunday, October 27, 2013, and seems to fit perfectly. We all go from temptation into sin for the same reason: to escape the pain of missing something that we want or need, to fill a void that is real or imagined. 

    
A destructive habit or behavior is always an attempt to make up for some aspect or way in which we feel we are lacking or at the very least to distract us temporarily from the discontent, inadequacy, or “emptiness” we are experiencing.

    
Only in acknowledging the places inside of us that are broken, empty, and in need of healing are we able to empathize and have compassion for others.  If we look down on and judge others who choose to do things to avoid their own emptiness which we find reprehensible, then we are often unaware of their level of pain and suffering, and/or we refuse to concede that it is in any way similar to our own. 

    
People deal with pain and suffering in different ways.  One person’s way of coping might not necessarily seem as detrimental as another person’s, but so many of the things we do to suppress our pain, distract ourselves from it, and/or merely survive through it are harmful to our souls, our relationship with God and others.

      
This reminds me of a very famous quote of Blessed Mother Teresa: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”  Rarely do we know the situation that someone else is in, the details of their lives, the source or depth of their hurt, and even when we do know a great deal, we don’t know everything.  If we set ourselves up as a judge of someone else, then we are, in essence, saying that we are superior to or somehow better than they are in some area.  Again, in distancing ourselves, we deny the ways that we are lacking, whether it be regarding knowledge of the situation or compassion for another’s weakness. 

    
There was an activity we did at a personal growth seminar many years ago that has stuck in my mind.  The speaker begins describing a situation and talks about what a person does, then participants are asked how they would respond to the individual in those circumstances using body language that ranges from hostile/disapproving to welcoming/friendly.  When told the first part of the scenario, most people indicate they would be upset and react negatively.  Then the speaker continues with a little more backstory, and the more people find out about what this person is going through, the more compassionate people become.  For example, the inattentive, seemingly rude salesclerk is seen through the eyes of compassion once we know that she’s a single mom undergoing chemotherapy but has to come into work though exhausted and feeling sick to put food on the table.

    
The next time we are tempted to judge someone, we could instead pray and ask God to show us what is lacking or feeling empty in us that makes us feel the need to criticize or put down someone else.  It’s a lot more uncomfortable to acknowledge that we’re triggered by other people’s behavior and blame them for what they’re doing than it is to take responsibility for our reaction to other people’s choices and the pain we experience to the Lord for healing.

    
Another solution that has worked many times in addition to prayer is to ask questions and really listen to what the person has to say.  So few people are good at actively listening, and even those who know how to do it don’t necessarily practice it all of the time. 

When all else fails, we can stop and pray what many have come to call "the Jesus prayer:" “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me a sinner.”               

Lessons in Empathy (My Nanny Diary)

Because I've had lots of experience taking care of children of all ages, I sometimes think that I shouldn't become impatient, tired, exasperated…because I know what to expect, to some extent, and I don’t have the responsibility of raising the kids from conception to age 18.  I do feel a very strong sense of responsibility being the adult in charge of such precious, dependent, lovable, vulnerable, and impressionable people.  I can’t think of many more important vocations than being a nurturing, loving parent and/or caregiver.       

    
I know that moms and dads often feel worn out, even knowing what to expect, but I think I tend to get in trouble by falling into thinking that because I'm taking care of the kids for a designated amount of time in a day, instead of being responsible for them 24/7 like their parents, that I somehow shouldn't experience any of the same negative emotions, challenges, and such when faced with the natural struggles that ensue with teething infants and tantrum-prone toddlers.  Upon closer examination, the notion is quite ridiculous that anyone would be able to endure such situations and circumstances at length without feeling the least bit worn out, tired, confused, exasperated, and/or stressed.   

    
It doesn't really make sense to think that any job will be without conflicts or crises.  There will always be trials and days that are more problematic than others.  Ultimately, I know that beating myself up for not being Mary Poppins isn't going to help the situation or make me more relaxed.  I do know that it’s utterly impossible to put everything I’ve read and learned about children over the years into practice every minute of every day, so at least I’ve gotten that particular lesson through my head and have removed it from my unwritten childcare goals. 

A really big problem is that I tend to discount the fact that, although we don't have children of our own, we do have an awful lot going on in our lives outside of work that requires a great deal of time, energy, work, and such that isn't necessarily part of other people's lives. 

    
We each have our own crosses, challenges, and difficulties in life, and saying ours are worse than someone else's instead of just being different (while likely trying in other ways) doesn't seem to be wise or very compassionate. We rarely, if ever, know all of the factors contributing to someone's suffering, so who are we to say ours is more significant or deeper? There is something to be said about being grateful for what we're given as well as for the things we don't have to deal with, but that can be done without making light of another person's pain, be it in mind, body, or spirit. 

    
Lord, help us be compassionate to all we meet.  We often have no idea of the crosses they are carrying, the attention, love, affection, understanding or the healing they are in need of.  Open our eyes and our hearts this Lent so we are aware of the suffering around us and are willing to let You work in and through us to alleviate it.  Amen.

Déjà-Vu All Over Again

There We Go, Again

We received a notification from the airline we’re taking to get to my grandmother’s funeral that there's a winter storm advisory for Boston, MA (where we were originally scheduled to get our connecting flight) that might make it a good idea for us to change flights.  Kevin said in response to this: "If I have to, I'll just take a whole day. It's bereavement; they'll get over it!" That is my dearly beloved husband and one of the reasons I find him so hilarious and endearing.

     
Thankfully, after speaking to a number of not-so-helpful customer service people, Kevin was able to get our flights changed so that we are less likely to get stuck in Boston, MA on Friday.

Flashback ‘92

There are some things that I don't think need to be repeated, but they are anyway. Nana (my dad's mom) passed away when I was 11 years old.  She lived in Florida, but she was visiting us for the holidays.  My nana, dad, and I stayed up late on Christmas Eve watching the movie Home Alone and laughing hysterically.  My nana had the sort of laugh that was like a cartoon character, and her laugh made my dad crack up even harder.  The next morning Nana went into the hospital near us, where my youngest sister had been born less than three months before, and that is where my paternal grandmother passed away.  Her funeral had been planned for quite some time, so, of course, we all made the trek to upstate New York in the middle of a blizzard at the beginning of February to go to the Mass. 

Back to 2006

Seven years ago in January, Kevin had just had foot surgery and we got a call that his mother’s health was failing.  She’d been in a nursing home for years with Alzheimer’s, so getting worse for her meant she wouldn’t likely live very long.  Kevin was able to speak to her on the phone to tell her he loved her and that it was okay to let go.  As soon as the 48 hours was up that he had to be off of his foot, we were able to fly to upstate New York (thanks to the help of one of the families for whom I nannied at the time letting us use their frequent flyer miles) for the burial of Kevin’s mother (Joyce) and father (Harry Potter).  His father had passed away the year before and per his request had been cremated and was to be placed in his wife’s coffin.   

Then and Now

My maternal grandmother miraculously lived through a number of brushes with death.  Doctors told us numerous times she only had a matter of months, if not days, to live.  They were wrong for sixteen years about that.  Despite having an advanced stage of cancer and having a pacemaker put in, she returned home and was able to live on her own for several more years. 

     
In 2009 when my dad was also in hospice care, we admitted my grandma as well.  My grandma, however, had the blessed experience of getting well enough that she got kicked out of hospice.  The nurse figured she probably didn’t need their care anymore when they kept trying to come see her, and she wasn’t in her room.  She was off playing bridge or at Mass (in the building), but she was clearly doing significantly better. 

     
The prayer that if this was my grandmother’s time to go to the Lord that it would be quick and painless for her was granted.  Kevin and I went and visited her last Wednesday evening and saw that she was on oxygen and exhibiting many of the symptoms that Kevin and I have come to recognize in those whose death was going to happen very soon.  I thought she would at least make it until the weekend, but that wasn’t to be. 

     
I was at the family’s house where I nanny when I received the call from my mom about how Grandma had passed away during the night.  My mom and some of the nuns had been with her praying at the time.  Because I’d had my initial cry and mourning period a couple weeks earlier, I was able to take the news in stride.  (I was cheerleading at a St. Mary’s basketball game held at Benedictine High School when my dad and uncles came in to tell us that Nana had passed away.)

     
Interestingly enough, a couple weeks before my grandmother’s sharp decline, I walked into Mass at Little Sisters of the Poor, saw her asleep in her wheelchair and having difficulty breathing, and I just knew she wouldn’t be with us in body as well as spirit for much longer.  I cried throughout the Mass, much the same as I did the evening a couple weeks before my nana’s death when it sank it that she wouldn’t be getting better this time like she had the other times doctors told us she wouldn’t make it. 

  

Funeral Arrangements & Prayers Requests  

This Saturday, February 9, 2013, my grandmother, Marilyn Lohwater’s funeral will be held at 10:30am at St. Charles Borromeo Church.  May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen.

     
Please also pray that all of us will make it safely to and from yet another female family member’s funeral in upstate NY at the beginning of February during a snowstorm.  They’re saying that the storm could end up dumping 2 feet of snow in the Northeast.

Note to reader: we weren't able to make it up for the funeral, but at least my mom got there before the worst of the weather descended.

7 Quick Takes Friday (Vol. 87) Grandma Edition

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May She Rest in Peace: My maternal grandmother (and last living grandparent) Marilyn Lohwater passed into eternal life January 31, 2013 early in the morning.  Fortunately, Kevin and I had gone to visit her the night before.  I’d held her hand, prayed for her, told her I loved her, and kissed her goodnight, thinking she’d at least make it to the weekend.  Instead, she passed away peacefully that very night with my mom at her side and the Little Sisters of the Poor nearby lifting her up in prayer. 

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Miracles and Cause for Celebration My grandmother led a remarkable life for many reasons, not the least of which, she had very strong will to live, a deep faith in God, a devout Catholic prayer life, a special devotion to the Blessed Mother, and she lived through a number of serious illnesses and complications during her 89 years on this planet.  Here are just some of the miracles and causes for celebration. 

           

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Choose Life: My grandmother was a strong pro-life advocate in all senses of the word.  For years, she took care of sick and elderly family members and joyfully welcomed each new baby and grandbaby. 

     She also was very proactive about her own health.  She ate nutritious foods, took vitamins, exercised (even when it meant taking an hour long walk around her neighborhood using two canes), kept up an active social life, engaged in some fun hobbies, developed an attitude of gratitude, prayed fervently, enjoyed a good laugh, and never gave up. 

     When doctors told her that she wouldn’t live less than a year, she was determined to do whatever she could to get better and keep on going.  When her oncologist basically told us it was pointless to keep treating her, we fired him and promptly got a physician who would respect the fact that she was still coherent and was not going to give up hope that she would recover. 

     She would join us at the 40 Days for Life vigils when she was still able to leave the nursing home without too much trouble, but once that became too difficult she’d pray in the Chapel or in her room for the international campaign. 

    

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Very Thrifty Since my grandmother lived through the Great Depression and World Wars I and II, she had a special knack for being frugal, reusing, and recycling things.  I can remember her re-wetting a paper towel and laying it out to dry.  She would reuse aluminum foil.  She laughed at expiration dates: those on food and those doctors gave her.  She saved little scraps of paper to use for lists, bridge scorecards, or phone numbers.  She would pick up things off of her carpet and put them in the trash for the exercise value and to keep from having to vacuum as often once she was getting up there in age.    

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Her True Colors Grandma loved the color turquoise.  She was also a fan of deep brown and dark orange.  For a number of years, the one house we returned to no matter where we moved because of my dad’s job was my grandma and grandpa’s split-level in upstate New York.  We were always excited to pull into the driveway of the dark brown house with orange trim. 

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Well-Read My grandmother was one of the first women in our family to go to college at a time when that wasn’t something most women did.  She was an active member of the Rochester chapter of the American Association of University Women (AAUW).  She absolutely loved to read books, magazines, newspapers, letters…which I’m sure greatly influenced my mom as well as me.  Another thing my grandmother and I had in common was our rather atrocious handwriting.  I’m not sure exactly what chicken scratch looks like, but one of us probably comes close. 

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Hope in the Lord Of all of the gifts my grandmother has given us over the years, her faith and hope in the Lord is the one I value the most.  She clung to God throughout her life, and though she had a number of life-altering challenges to face, losses to mourn, and illnesses to overcome, she stayed strong in Him. 

     Lord, thank You for the gift of my grandmother.  Help those of us whose lives were touched by hers honor her legacy by drawing ever-closer to You.  Amen.

  Check out Producer and Reality TV star Jennifer Fulwiler's blog Conversion Diary for this weeks dose of her tradition of 7 Quick Takes Friday.

Unstoppable: The Incredible Power of Faith in Action

I was fully expecting to like this book since Nick Vujicic’s first book Life Without Limits is so inspiring and his videos on Youtube are quite moving.  In some ways, Unstoppable threw me for a loop, brought painful subjects to the surface, and underlined the necessity of focusing on God above all-else.  Nick keeps it real, and that’s what I admire most about who he is and what he has to say. 

     
Some authors, preachers, motivational speakers, and Christians strike me as being rather fake.  I’m always suspect of people who project an image that says they’re above suffering, hardship, or pain in life.  I don’t buy the life is perfect, always happy, filled with wealth, health, and kindness for those who love God and spread the Gospel.  I appreciate and can identify much better with people who know they aren’t perfect now—nor have they ever been—than I can those individuals who claim to have unwavering faith and a life without strife. 

     
Nick Vujicic is most inspiring to me because he’s honest that he still has doubts and fears, periods when he’s unsure of himself and not as confident in God’s plan for him as he wants to be and has been at other times.  In Unstoppable, Nick talks about a difficult bout of depression he struggled with recently and how God brought him through it. 

     
This international best-selling author has hit another homerun with his second book (and that’s pretty impressive for a man born without arms or legs).  Unstoppable includes a number of true stories about ordinary people who put their lives in God’s hands and are thereby led to do extraordinary things which glorify Him.  All have faced tremendous challenges in mind, body, and/or spirit, but in each case the Lord’s love shines through. 

     
How can someone born without arms and legs who has experienced bullying, spoken with families whose child has committed suicide, visited the poorest slums in the world, shared his story with victims of the sex trade, and spent time among orphans living in some of the most horrible conditions possibly be a source of hope for others?  Only by centering on Jesus Christ.  Focusing on anyone or anything other than God Himself leads to despair, disillusionment, and deception. 

     
If we rely on ourselves, sooner or later, we’re going to fall flat on our faces whether we have arms and legs to help us get back up or not.  If we rely mostly on others, we will be disappointed and discouraged when they fall short of our expectations.

     
When we put our trust and hope in the Lord as Nick does, we will ultimately triumph over every adversity we face.  As Nick reiterates again and again, when we’re united with God, nothing is impossible.  No matter how far we’ve strayed or how broken we’ve become, Christ is waiting with open arms to welcome us back into the comfort of His love.
     
I received Unstoppable for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.  To purchase your own copy of Unstoppable, click here.  To learn about how you can receive free books from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group, check out their Blogging for Books program here.