A new outlet

I started an art blog.  It's on instagram and my username is sarangapie if you want to go have a look.  I'd link it but instagram is bloody odd and I don't think you can view posts unless you have an account, and I don't think you can upload photos without using the app (so you can't upload from a laptop or pc, for example).

Don't get too excited about what is on there.  I can't draw. I'm not being modest, I have no artistic talent. My stuff  is nowhere in the realms of good.  But. I liked drawing in art classes in school (I think I stopped classes at 13).  I hadn't really drawn since - a few moon and goddess doodles, the odd flower, but when I sat down and tried to draw I got really frustrated that I couldn't get what was in my head down on the paper, so I haven't ever bothered.  Then this weekend I realised that didn't matter to me anymore.  The point is to draw, it is in the act of drawing itself.  It doesn't matter if it's trash and no one knows what it is.

And you know what, I'm actually quite proud of what I've done.  I feel accomplished. I drew a daffodil and it resembles a daffodil.  I even drew a mini comic and I think it kind of makes sense.

What caused this change in mindset?  It was the talk I went to last Saturday about trauma and women's comics.  Nicola Streeten referred to her art as bad art, then put it in inverted commas and said she thought it was good art.  It got me thinking that everyone has a different notion of what good art is.  I am used to, and I like, the American superhero art styles (as varied as superhero art is, it usually has a recogniseable style).

Streeten set up Laydeez do Comics.  I came away from the talk wanting that for Norwich, but aware that I don't have the time or energy, or skills, or network, to do this.  But I am pretty desperate to do something creative.  I have spent approx ten months looking after my little boy and have only had the energy to take things in - telly usually.  It's a very passive way to spend your free time.  I have a yearning to do something proactively.  I know I need to get back to New readers... but I feel constrained by the formalities of that site, and anyway, I don't have the time or energy to read comics, scan in pages and then create a decent review, so that's on hiatus for the moment.

I read about how the Birmingham LDC was set up and how the founder was inspired by London LDC to do her own comics.  I thought, I can draw.  If she can, I can.  I haven't checked out her work by the way, I don't know if I'd like it or not.  And I remembered that people say the best way to get better at drawing, is to draw.

So I drew.  I'm not sure if I want to get better, that isn't the point of this exercise.  The point is to give me a creative outlet, and writing isn't really doing that for me at the moment.  Although this post is going pretty well, maybe I just need more inspiring subjects....

Anyway. I draw now.

Cap'n A: Civil War (spoilers)

I saw this last night. I didn't think much of it. It was OK, but I felt like it was an excuse to get lots of costumes fighting each other in cool ways, rather being focused on plot.Having said that, the plot did make sense and was fairly tight, even with such a lot going on.  Perhaps I'm just getting movie event fatigue.

The introduction of Peter Parker was good (and I'm so thankful we didn't get another Spidey origin story). Antman's giant scene was great.  The actor playing Black Panther was good, and had a lovely accent but I didn't like his suit. The Dora Milaje) was perfect.

Perhaps I was also too tired for a cinema showing. The theatre was really hot and I'd had a bad night's sleep and my eyes ached.

I didn't think it deserved the title civil war. The fights were pretty well contained and for Civil War I expect most of America to be trashed.  I did like the plot about the fake Dr guy trying to destroy the Avengers by wrecking their relationships. That felt fresh. One of my problems with watching superhero films is I am watching them as a comics fan, assessing against source material and delighting that these guys are on screen.But after so many Marvel films that delight is gone because I;ve seen them so many times. Now I just need a good film. Ant-man was. Civil war was merely OK.

Wonder Woman Earth One

This was a disappointment.  I was curious how Grant Morrison would write her and excited about Yanique Paquette drawing.  Unfortuantely the end result is terrible.

It would be kind to say it is a riff on the golden age.  It is golden age Wondy ideas packaged into a cold, heartless, sneery mess.  It’s a really cynical origin story and Wonder Woman should not be cynical.  I can’t think that Morrison is a fan.  I think he views her as an interesting character, but he has no connection to her.  I don’t think you should write or draw characters you don’t feel a connection with.

The story itself is boring.  Dull.  It flows badly and there’s nothing to keep you interested, no suspense, even thought there are things which should be suspenseful in there.

The art is lacklustre.  The character poses are a bit too much on the sexy side for my taste, and there’s little of the detail and originality and joie de vivre that I’ve seen Paquette do elsewhere.  The colours are nice enough but the inking is one dimensional.  The Amazons look like pin ups, but not very exciting pin ups.

There is so much good Wondy stuff out there.  Bombshells, Legend of Wonder Woman, Sensation Comics and Ame Comi Girls are so much better than this. So much better.  Bombshells would do really well with a non traditional comics audience, it could capitalise on the retro love that is still going around.  And it’s a good story.

Not a misery memoir

On Saturday I went to a talk by graphic novelists Nicola Streetsen and Una as part of the Norfolk and Norwich Festival, literature weekend.  The title of the talk was 'Not a misery Memoir - gender, identity and overcomign trauma'.  Streeten has written and drawn Billy, me and You, a novel about her grief journey (sorry, I hate that phrase) after the death of her 2 year old.  You can see why I was interested in the talk. Una wrote and drew Becoming/Unbecoming, about growing up 70s Yorkshire when the Yorkshire Ripper was around.

I was expecting a talk about horrible, miserable stuff but that wasn't it at all!  Streeten started, and touched upon a few things in her book, the panels about marking people's reaction to her news, the funeral director's problem accepting they didn't want a religious service, stuff like that.  Una talked about feminism and how women's bodies are policed and judged.  But, most of the talk was about how art can show metaphor in a different (better?) way than words can.  About how we read the comics page and about how readers connect comics in a different way than they do to prose, so comics can be more beneficial than prose when processing traumatic things.  They talked about why they chose to do their story as a comic.  They talked about their art styles.  I think Streeten said her rough and ready scratchy style suits the depiction of grief, because grief is rough and ready.  Or maybe that's something I came up with.  There was some brief stuff about the technical process of comics too.  And, I keep forgetting this, they talked about these sorts of books being cathartic for readers, not the writers.  This is very true, I think.

Una comes from a fine art background and her stuff is beautiful.  I had not heard of her before, and now I think I'll be checking out Becoming/Unbecoming.  There's a lot of empty space in the art which I find quite emotional and nerve wracking, but that maybe because of where I'm at in my head (who knew 2 years later I wouldn't be back to normal and that grief taints every part of my day and mind).

They also talked about Laydeez do Comics of which Streeten is a co founder.

Of the audience, I was one of three women in their 20s/30s.  The rest were in their 50s/60s/70s and were there for the literature weekend.  It was very surprising to me but it felt lovely.  To be in a comics environment dominated by well to do professionals, no costumes, by hyperbole, no fuss, and to be surrounded by older people who didn't know anything about comics and were treating the medium and the other attendees seriously - I loved it.  The atmosphere was friendly and informal and I loved seeing Streeten and Una as older woman, and friends, doing comics professionally and chatting easily.

The day was being sketched by the founder (?) and definitely editor of Graphic Medicine, Ian Williams.  This is a tweet of one of his sketches:
https://twitter.com/WritersCentre/status/734015906825797633
His work was lovely!

Jurassic Park vs Jurassic World

I recently watched this 30 minute talk on why Jurassic Park is all heart and why Jurassic World isn’t.

It’s a good talk.  It examines the subtext in J Park and shows us where the subtext is and how it builds to form another narrative alongside the surface text of dinosaurs on the loose.  The subtext is that of family, by the way.

Most Hollywood blockbusters  have a family theme to them, what is an action story without romance of kids in peril after all, but not many do so with as much detail and love as J Park does, I think.  I’ll admit, I didn’t recognise the subtext until it was pointed out to me in this video, but now I’ve seen it, it’s so obvious and def explains some of my warm feelings and impressions towards the film.

However, I think the comparison with J World could have been expanded upon.  I’d like to see a demonstration of why the presenter thinks J World is devoid of heart, and is just about Chris Pratt and dinosaurs.  I’d really like to see J World pulled apart like J Park was.

There is one clip in the presentation where the J Park T Rex scene where Rex comes out of the enclosure and threatens Dr Alan Grant and the kids is compared with the J World Indominus Rex against the raptors scene.  The J Park one is about humans and their fear when faced with the monster, and how they form family units.  It is filmed to focus on Grant and the kids, not on the Rex.  It’s contrasted with the J World scene to show that J World has little humanity and is just about big fast paced dino fights.

But these scenes aren’t comparable. There are scenes in J World which show humanity against a monster – the one in the Rex enclosure.  There are scenes in J Park which are cool dino fights.  The T Rex against the raptors near the end, for example.  J World doesn’t have a family bonding scene like J Park does, but it has a different subtext.  There are plenty of family themes in J World, but they are pretty explicit, and surface text.

The subtext in J World is self referential.  It’s a critique on how things need to be bigger, better, nastier, more fearsome, and how the joy is take out of them when that happens.  Well maybe it isn’t subtext as it’s pretty obvious, maybe it’s more metatextual.  Either way, J World isn’t meant to be warm and fuzzy.  It’s meant to be cold, because that’s the state of affairs of sequels, and a film industry where you throw money at CGI and you forget about characters and you let the spectacle overtake the important stuff.  J World is a critique of that state of affairs.  It’s more intelligent than the presenter gives it credit for.  I’d love to see his reasoning.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice (spoilers)

I avoided all reviews and only watched the trailer once, months ago, and saw the film last night.  I quite enjoyed it.  I shall be giving spoilers in this post so click away now if you don't want to read them.  It's not a review post, it's a conversation between me and anyone else who cares to read it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Batman -
I really liked the start where we saw Bruce's experience of the Metropolis MoS fight.  I kind of knew that was coming, but I thought it was done very well.  I even enjoyed Bat's origin story, it was done in a way I hadn't quite seen before and it worked.  I cringed when we had the bit where boy Bruce was lifted aloft by the bats, so was VERY thankful that was a dream sequence.  I'm pretty sure that even when startled bats don't fly into daylight, so I'll put that down to the dream sequence.

Ben Affleck made a good older Bruce and a good Batman.  The numerous different suits made sense in the film.  I didn't quite buy his quick change of heart about Supes, so I'm going to insert some head canon explanation along the lines of he hadn't thought that Superman would have a mother or be just like us humans and also seeing Lois defending Clark gave him something to think about.  The film made it look like eh changed his mind just on the strength of their mother's sharing names.  Which is plausible, I guess, Bruce is still grief stricken even after 30 years, but I think he should need more than that.

I am very interested in the last 20 years of Gotham.  I hope that's explored in Suicide Squad, which we saw the trailer for, and I am also leoking forward to seeing.  I really enjoyed Alfred.  I think that's the best on screen Alfred.

My main problem with Batman, but I can't be bothered to get that worked out about it, is him using guns.  Batman doesn't use guns.  That's a central part of his character.  But then again, Superman doesn't kill people either, apart from in this movie verse.  Once Supes has killed someone I sort of lose any will to get worked up about other character defamations.  It just feel really demoralising.  So I'll just ignore that part of the film.  I'm still pretty angry about Man of Steel though.

Wonder Woman - Gal Godot is wonderful in this (excuse the pun).  She's tall, she's got a generic European accent that I have decided is authentic Greek (please don't tell me otherwise, not just yet), she fights well and she looked like the was relishing the fight.  She was a lovely calm, intelligent, graceful and decorous Diana Prince.  I was so pleased to see her on screen and so pleased to see Wondy being played that way.

Lex Luthor - I thought this guy was brilliant.  I was not expecting such a young, showboating Lex.  I think he was yelling about Darkseid at the end, was I right?  I couldnt quite make out what he was talking about because there was a couple next to me who were talking through most of the film.  They got louder in the last half hour because they'd got through most of a bottle of wine (you don't drink in UK cinemas) and were gabbing away.  Grrrr.  they'd also gone out for a cigarette halfway through and reeked as they came back, and called me love, and darling.  So my judgey pants come out and I judged them good.

Lois Lane - Amy Adams did a great job again.  I'd like to see her in more action plots - journalist action plots not fight plots, but there was no room in the film for this sort of story.  I liked seeing her and Clark's relationship and seeing them as a couple.  She did a lot of reassuring Clark, and some saving him too.  Always good to see.

Superman - As for Superman, he had quite a distant role in this film.  He was distant from the public (and the camera), distant from Lois, yet he was connecting with his deceased Pa and discussing their relationship.  I felt there was a very big difference between his everyday, passionate Clark and his lofty, inhuman, superior (maybe?) Superman.  Superman was mostly cold and angry and determined.  Clark had the warmth.  I usually think Supes should have warmth too, but I guess that in this particular movie America, in that hostile climate Superman was keeping himself separate from ordinary humans in order to do his job.  Anger with Batman showed abit of his humanity though.  Hopefully he will get more human (in demeanour) with future Justice League movies.

Doomsday - Oh boy.  I have never ever ever enjoyed Doomsday.  This Doomsday was good.  I was excited about him.  I felt he was threatening.  It's a pity I figured out that Supes would die, if I'd not known the source material his death would have had more impact.  OTOH the means of death was new, and Lois being involved in recovery of his body pleased me.  Lois is pretty much an honorary Justice Leaguer by this point.

Other Justice Leaguers - Oh boy I was excited to see Aquaman.  Less so about the Flash.  very much so about Cyborg, surprisingly.

Horses - there was a couple of odd horse shots.  At the start when the ashes of the MoS fight spreads through the streets, a riderless horse runs past Bruce Wayne.  When the Senate hearing has been blown up a copper is on horse and the horse rears, dramatically.  These two instances just seemed very out of place.

Dream sequences - there were a lot.  I'm not sure how many were real or not.  There was one witha red dude and some lightning flahses, ish, which I assumed was a Flash, Barry probably, but he had no resemblance to the Flash dude from the metahuman research data.  Then there was a section where Supes took Bat's cowl off, then ripped out his heart.  I have no idea if the cowl removal was a dream sequence or not.  If not where did Supes discover Bruce's identity?

There were, sadly, some quips.  Quips do not belong in this grim dark movieverse.  If you want to lighten things up you bring in Wondy who enjoys what she's doing.  You don't make jokes, it was cringey.  The discussion at the funeral about getting the Justice League together felt a bit forced.

Overall I rather enjoyed it.  It had his faults, but it was enjoyable, and a perfectly pleasant way to spend and evening. I am even inspired to watch MoS again so long as I fast forward through that scene *glowers*).

More Ghostbusters trailers!

There has been an international trailer released.  It's less racist.  It adresses racism and sexism.  It got me all excited for the sisterhood and the science, like the first one.  Apparently the black actress has been receiving nasty tweets about her performance based on the first trailer.  That seems stupid as well as nasty.  Surely if there is a fault then it lies with the director guiding the actors to perform in a certain way, not the actress/actor themselves.

There has also been a fan edited trailer doing the rounds. Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IDXpOX0Cp0

I don't like it.  It takes out a lot of the science love and makes it more like the first film, and makes it a very male film - in themes and action.  It took away what made me interested in the new film.  It's a male view of the new film, and I'm sick of that.

Unexpected items in the bagging area

Nicola Scott seems to be drawing Lois Lane and Guy Gardner in Black Magick.
*hearteyes emoticon*

Yes yes I know the top one is lying the wrong way but I don't know how to easily fix that.

For completeness here are all the other comics I have got since my last comic review:

I haven't wanted to cancel any of them. Fancy that.  I have had heard some stuff about DC relaunching AGAIN in May/June.  I have no idea how many titles I'll be getting.  I like their out of continuity stuff most, like Bombshells and Sensation Comics.  I hope we get titles that are written and drawn with passion and love again.

Ghostbusters 2016 trailer

So after much blathering from the local twitterati I watched the new Ghostbusters trailer.

 - It starts with 30 years ago 4 scientists saved New York.

- I think this is the director talking to the audience line, not an in universe line.  I am unclear whether this film is mean to be in continuity, or is a reboot, or a retelling, or a remake.  This trailer leaves me none the wiser.  But I think that line is an overview of the franchise, and is speaking to the fans saying we did this film 30 years ago, now we're doing another one.
Does that make any sense?  Nearly 8 months of baby has stopped my brain working..

- Various people have said that Winston isn't a scientist so the opening line is wrong. I argue that he may not be a scientist by training but he is doing scientific stuff as part of the team, so therefore he is a scientist.

- There has been criticism about making the only non scientist (by training) a black woman.  If this is a reboot, or remake, then it's makes sense that she, like Winston, is also not a scientist.  I'm questioning whether the original film was racist, not just single out the new one.  Mind you, the introduction in the trailer did seem to make her explicitly not scientific, and potentially crass and a bit thick (the scene with the car), which is making me cringe.

- The possession scene where the black lady slaps the ghost out of one of the other women is embarrassing.

- The scene where the 4 of them are on the steps and talking over each other and sounding indecisive made me cringe a bit.

- I got a rather large thrill at seeing female scientists do science equations and be intelligent on screen.

I'd quite like to see it. I think it will be entertaining nonsense.  I love entertaining nonsense.  And monster movies.  There will be 'problematic' stuff (how I hate that word now... it's used as shorthand but rarely it is explained what exactly is the problem) and that will make me wince, but I'll hopefully enjoy the rest of it.

*goes back to watching The Big Bang Theory season 8*  *considers the ways in which this show makes me cringe*

Feeding babies

I'm still breastfeeding, at nearly six months. During these looooing hours spent feeding I've had a lot of time to think about the breastfeeding community, what it means to formula feed, how to settle your baby without the boob and the mechanics and science of breastfeeding and bottle feeding.

We are now combi feeding, with one bottle given at 7pm so I can have a break. My little gannet still breastfeeds after the bottle but is usually done by 9. He has had his seemingly mild tongue tie snipped. I suspect this 'mild' tongue tie was causing more problems than anyone realised.  I should have trusted my instincts and got it snipped much earlier. Now I just can't be arsed to improve his latch, but that's fine. He's getting plenty of food and growing nicely

I feel out of place in breastfeedingplo message boards and groups. Members shout about how wonderful bf is, and I don't feel there is room for someone like me who doesn't enjoy it.  I dont dislike it,  its just how I feed my boy. But I feel alienated from the breast is best lot, from those who will do everything to keep women exclusively breastfeeding. We introduced a bottle of formula because its easy and gives me a much needed break. I don't think there is anything wrong with formula. I'd rather not feed to sleep each night and I loathe co-sleeping. Yet all you hear is how natural it is. If read 'biological norm one more time I'll scream. There doesn't seem to be room for women who aren't evangelical about bf.

I've been reading boobshalffull.wordpress.com  a  blog on combi feeding and low supply.   She talks about how to supplement, to manage your supply and the various physical reasons why bf doesn't work, and the diagnosis rates for these problems.  It's well worth a read.

I am now in the position where I want to bf for at least a year. Not because I enjoy it but because I want the experience. I've gone all clinical in my desires around it.

Other telly series I have watchef

As well as Arrow and Constantine I have also watched a lot of other telly recently. Thank you Amazon Prime and a constantly feeding baby.

Parks and Recreation was ace. I think I got 4 seasons in. In the first episode I thought Leslie Knopes was going to turn into a David Brent type character, but I was wrong. She is warm hearted and kind and a ditz, but dedicated to her job. I loved Parks and Rec and i'm very pleased I watched it.

Switched at Birth - it was an absolute pleasure to watch a domestic (as in home and family based) that was also a Deaf drama and political but naturally so. Deafness is treated like it's normal. It's intrinsic to the characters but it's not all the programme is about.  It's also about class, family, art and identity. And birth. I'm so glad I'd had my boy before I watched this, or it would have been very difficult for me. I think I got 3 seasons in.

The flash - I really quite enjoyed this. There were elements and scenes that were taken out of the superhero show cliche handbook, and Iris needed more to do, to be, but on the whole it was pretty good. Seeing Grodd and the Rogues was an absolute pleasure. I'm excited about season 2.

Prison break - I got two eps in and gave up. The most redeeming thing about it is that the Flash's Captain Cold is the main guy. But he was better as Captain Cold. His diction in that role is hilarious.

I also watched the Twilight films 2-5. Loved them. They are daft, but just as enjoyable as the books.

Arrow season two

This was far better than season one, but still don't didn't engage me enough. I missed details of lots of eps because I was pissing about on my phone. This means that either the show isn't that great, or that I have a very low attention span.

My partner said something to me about how thes shows are put together - he thinks someone comes up with an idea, like vigilante fights the city, and then they search for a character/property/brand to put on it.

I can see his point. This show isn't really comic Green Arrow, but it does take a lot from the DCU. Deathstroke, league of Assasins, speedy/red Arrow, Amanda Waller, the suicide squad etc etc.

Black Canary isn't recognisable as comic Dinah Lance, but the actress who plays her (Caity Lotz) is really good, and she has the muscles for the part.
The guy who plays Roy Harper is a good fit, if you accept Roy as a moody teenager.
Oliver's family has bugger all to do with the comics, altho by the end of Season two Ollie seems more hero-like than in season one

Deathstroke and Amanda Waller are very good in their roles, and are quite comicy. Everything revolves around the island, which had varying levels of interest for me.

It was an absolute thrill to see Arrow, Canary and Roy all fighting together.  I  do love me some Arrow family. However I think I'm projecting onto the show what I want to see.

I'm not going to watch season 3 because I have to pay for it.  I had season two as part of an amazing prime package - a free months trial.  So instead I watched Constantine, which was great fun and shouldn't have been cancelled.

Comic reviews from a good month or so ago

I'm slack. Here we go. I'm picking these comments from my twitter feed and if. Can I'll add in more detail. If I remember.

Starfire 4 - delightful and fun and it put Peej and Twrra's previous adventures back in canon. Winner.

Batgirl 44 and Bombshells 2 feel like their creators are having fun with their work. The themes and tones of the stories are different to other New52 stories, and it makes reading enjoyable. With Bombshells, I  obviously smitten with the idea of only lady superheroes. There's some lovely Soviet style art in there too.

Princeless Be Yourself 3 and 4 - I'm still stuck about the art. I can see that are elements of good in there - panel composition, physical jokes, but I do not like the style of pencilling and I find the colouring too dark. It feels amateurish, but I don't know whether I  correct in my feelings or whether I am being snoory because it's not to my taste.  I found the style of the Gothic Vampire a bit too overbearing. A bit much.

Princeless Raven 3 was much better. Good in all areas.

JLU 13 was good. Solid but not overly memorable, although I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy re-reading them.. The cover art reminds me of the art in James Robinson's Starman series.

Bitch Planet 5 is wonderful and makes me believe in myself.

Sensation Comics 14 is, again, my kind of Wondy. Righteous, compassionate and wise.

Sex Criminals 9 - porn and academia and aan intriguing set of letters.

Capture your grief 2015

About.

Day 1: Sunrise

Day 2: Intention

Day 3: In honour

Day 4: Dark and Light

Day 6: Books

Day 7: Memory

Day 9: Family

Day 10: Words

Day 11: Glow in the woods

Day 12: Normalising grief

Day 13: Regrets and Triggers

Day 15: Wave of Light

Day 16: Creative Grief

Day 18: Seasons and Symbols

Day 19: Music

Day 26:Gratitude

Day 31: Sunset

Comic reviews from June/July/August

It took me nearly 6 weeks to read these. I managed to post short reviews (thoughts) on twitter so I'm going to rewrite those comments for here.

Bombshells 1 - Pretty good. Nice designs. I'm glad I got this.
Hawkeye - this made me cross. Then my friend pointed out that the thing that made me cross didn't actually happen, and then I felt relieved. If you've read it you'll know what bit I mean.

Raven the Pirate Princess 1 and 2 are VERY GOOD. There is a not all men joke. Fnaar.

It also promises gayness and is building a wicked cool cast of lady pirates. Love it.

JLU 11 and 12 were pretty good. Nice art and a new direction for the series,in terms of team members. It's big heroic efforts to save.the whole world, and that's the sort of story I like

Batgirl 42 was good fun. Nice cartoony physical artwork. The annual had similar fun art and took us to the other Batladies! Including this era's Spoiler. It was a good intro (for me) of the character to the post-Flashpoint universe. Or is post-convergence now?

Starfire 3. Look at this Terra as drawn by Emanuela Lupacchino, inked by Ray McCarthy and coloured by Hi-Fi.

Justice League Gods and Monsters: Wonder Woman 1 - I did enjoy this and JL Gods and Monsters 1 and 2.  It's a decent alternate Trinity story.

Sex Criminals 9 and 11 were both good comics. I don't seem to have 10 so I bought that next time I was at the comic shop. I was pretty tired when I read 9 and 11 so didn't have any actual commentary. I've kind of forgotten the details of the two issues too.

Charmed

I watched seasons 1-8 of Charmed for the first time recently.  I've wanted to watch it for years but only ever caught the odd episode on telly.  Breastfeeding does have it's perks as it gives you the time to rocket through telly shows.

I very much enjoyed Charmed.  Seasons 1-4 were best, then it seemed to glamourise itself.  The sister's wardrobes suddenly went high fashion.  I quote enjoyed the high street, everyday clothes they had before.  Phoebe used to dress like a hippy, then at about season 5 she suddenly looked all office smart and high end sexy.  The new wardrobes took away part of the sister's personality.  Seasons 1-3 showed you the difference in Prue's, Piper's and Phoebe's characters through their clothes.  By Season 5 Piper, Phoebe and Paige looked like every other high fashion female character on a popular telly show.  It was disappointing.  It was also odd because the wardrobe was the only thing that got more expensive.  The special effects stayed the same throughout, and oh boy they were cheap.  Cheaper than the worst of Buffy's special effects.

Some other things irritated me.  When Paige was first introduced (season 4) Rose McGowan was a pretty wooden actor.  She got better, but then started really hamming it up, she was sort of caricaturing herself.  I never really cared for Prue, so was happy to have her replaced by Paige.  I didn't really see the bonding process between Paige, Piper and Phoebe.  They seemed to be thrown together just because the plot demanded it.  Mind you, this could have been because I was losing interest and was only half watching some episodes.

There was a two or three season theme where Phoebe and her love interest Cole, a demon, then a reformed demon, then an ex demon, then a demon again, then the ultimate evil, then possibly reformed and then evil again (maybe) were together and then not, mostly because of his demon status.  The season that introduced Cole and their relationship did it well, but all their future arcs were utterly boring.

Similarly Piper and Leo's on again/off again, married/split up story arcs irked me.  This idea was repeated far too often and simply became dull.  When they were first flirting and got together it was great.  Season 8's plots of freezing him to drive the sisters to action also worked well.  In between I lost all interest.

There were a lot of themed episodes - evil versions of themselves, body swaps, de-aging episodes, noir episodes, a battle of the sexes, a superhero episode.  It got a bit gimmicky and I couldn't help thinking that Buffy did themed episodes better.  And Smallville now I come to think of it.

Phoebe started off the series really fun and optimistic and the heart of the sisters.  Piper was always grumpy, Prue seemed above it all and Paige was a bit of comic relief.  Around about season 5 Phoebe got really serious and combined with her terrible romantic plotlines, she got really boring.  Towards the end of Season 6 and in season 7 she got fun again.

The season 7 finale felt like it was creating a new status quo, the sisters has faked their own deaths and anything was possible.  By mid season 8 they'd reappeared to the world, but it was interesting getting there.  Since seasons 5 and 6 felt stagnant, this was a welcome improvement.

I never really bought the power of the sisters or the threat of the demons.  No one seemed particularly scary and the threats didn't seem that impressive.  Especially when I compare them to other supernatural/fantasy shows, like Buffy and Smallville.

What was really good about it was the themes of sisterhood and female solidarity, especially at the start.  The three most powerful people in the supernatural world were the Charmed ones, the sisters.  The threats against them and innocents came from warlocks, who for a while seemed to only ever be men.  This idea seemed really powerful.  As the series progressed it became less clear cut but it was still there.  Unfortunately it got undermined by introducing evil women who were always dressed in sultry makeup and very skimpy costumes.  Enough with equating sexiness with evil.  One other thing undermined the female power themes and that was a sudden change to dress Phoebe in the 'slutty' clothes certain episodes required.  It was always Phoebe and it was always done to show some flesh for ogling reasons.  I imagine the show's main audience demographic was straight women so this decision makes no sense.

But on the whole I enjoyed the series and will keep the discs to dip in and out of in future,

Now I am watching Arrow season two (far better than season one), to be followed by season three and Constantine.  All over the next month before my Amazon Prime membership runs out,  Then I shall watch the Flash.  Then I reckon it will be time for a netflix subscription and more superhero telly shows.

Breastfeeding thoughts part 3

A long essay on breastfeeding and where I am with it.
If you come here for the comics discussion, sorry. I keep meaning to write some comics posts, but a newborn changes your priorities!

I don't like breastfeeding.  I like being able to.hold my baby close, but the act of breastfeeding is not something I enjoy, tho tbf i dont actively hate it either. Most of the time I am ambivalent, with no positive or negative feelings, but sometimes I veer between dislike and hatred. I have no idea what makes it all worthwhile, emotionally speaking.  Breastfeeding is exhausting.So we've started combi feeding (formula) to help me get through it.

I aim to give J no more than 4ozs a day,because I still want him to have majority breast milk, but it varies as to when in the day we give it to him.  We could be out in the afternoon, or it could be the evening feed, or the first morning one. I don't usually express to make up for it. I have had thoughts of going back to exclusively Breastfeeding, but I like the freedom that bottles give you.

We have had problem after problem.  When J was born he was little ,not small enough to be IUGR, not by a long stretch, but a small baby. So his mouth was small which meant he couldn't get a big enough gobful of breast, so his latch was poor, and it hurt, every time he fed. My nipples were misshapen after feeds and both nipples were cracked, although thankfully not bleeding (much).

At around three weeks he started getting better and we had some pain free feeds. Then I got mastitis which made me feverish. The mastitis cleared up with antibiotics, then a week later I got very sore again. I thought it was thrush, had a swab done which was negative for thrush and positive for stapphococlous, which causes mastitis. J was not gaining enough weight, in hindsight I know this was partly because I was scared to feed him because of the pain. Other reasons his weight gain wasn't as large as expected was us confusing hunger and tired cries. It's all very well to say put the baby on the breast whenever they cry, but when you are that pained you do what you can to avoid it.

At this 5 week point I had a meltdown, refused to breastfeed J and expressed for two days until I could cope again. In that time he got a mix of formula and expressed breast milk.

A second dose of antibiotics cleared the mastitis, and another swab showed we were born clear of he stapphococlous bug. Great. But by week seven I was crying during the night feeds and crying as soon as I woke up in the morning. Breastfeeding is really really hard and people had said it got easier by week eight but I didn't feel like we were making enough progress.  I was also getting vasospasms by this point - pain in your nipples and breast after a feed,caused by poor latch.

I'd paid for a lactation consultant to come out twice to help with latch and positioning and that was really really great. I knew I was doing all I could technique wise, but it still wasn't enough.

So when I decided to combi feed I felt far more relaxed and able to cope with things. Knowing I have the option of formula makes me a lot calmer about breastfeeding. I knew it wouldn't be easy but no one said how hard it would be, no one explained why.

The only thing that is instinctive is the baby's suckling. Everything else had to be learnt. It will hurt when you first feed, because you aren't used to having anything quite like that on your nipples, and they are sensitive. If they get damaged the pain increases, a lot. Breastfeeding drains you of milk, obvs, but also you will find yourself suddenly exhausted in the middle of a feed. Or suddenly hungry. Or teary.  It's draining in all senses of the word.

I remember asking, when pregnant, how long babies fed for, and the answer I got was it depends on the baby.  When J was jaundiced he'd feed for just a few minutes at a time, but he'd feed 10 times in the hour.  Then nap, then wake in an hour or two to do the same thing.  As his jaundice reduced to less concerning levels (and it took till he was 4 weeks untill it totally went), he would feed for between 40 minutes to an hour on one breast. Then fall asleep and wake again 1 or 2 hours later for another feed.  Mind you, I didn't let him go for much longer than half an hour, because it hurt.

Gradually he started going 3 or 4 hours between feeds, then the feed length would decrease, so now he can drain a breast in 10 or 15 minutes, but he always feeds on both breasts now.

Those are normal feeds.  Then you have cluster feeds.  Cluster feeds can be 20-30 minute feeds, with half hour breaks inbetween feeds, for 5 or 6 hours.  Or they can be 7 or 9 hour marathons, in which J would prefer not to have any breaks inbetween feeds but I insist on some breaks because I need to go to the toilet or eat my dinner.  I pretty much loathe cluster feeds, they destroy me.  But, they happen because that's just what newborns do.  They might be linked to growth spurts, but not always.  This crazy feeding stimulates your milk production so the day or two after a cluster feed your body will be producing more milk.  The plus side to cluster feeding is after a marathon session J can sleep for between 6 and 9 hours.   Which means I get between 5 and 8 hours sleep. But sometimes he wakes up after 3 hours wantu

The other thing about night feeds is that it's not as simple as waking just for a 30 minute feed. You're up for at least an hour because you have to do the nappy change, the feed, the burping and then get the baby back to sleep again.  Night feeds often take 2 hours.

This is bloody exhausting!  It's best for the baby yes, but it's really hard on me.  One of the reasons I chose to go with formula for some feeds is that at night I find myself dozing off, and that's just not sfae.  Feeding lying down and co-sleeping is not an option for me.  No judgement on those who do it, but I will not.

J is now 9 weeks old and I still have cracked nipples, although they aren't sore and they are nearly healed (until we get a few bad sucks, then they get opened again).  I wish I'd done my research before starting to breastfeed I'd have felt more in control.  Obvs I couldn't have done any research while pregnant with J, but I could have done while pregnant with C.

I would suggest that if you want to breastfeed you should:
Read the La Leche League book The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.
Get yourself onto some breastfeeding forums - read about everyone's problems and solutions.  Be prepared.  I'm on the Babycentre ones, they are really useful (although often infuriating as several members response to new posts is to not answer the original question and to tell you should fully breastfeed, without knowing your background),
Get lots of different pillows and experiment with setup and support.  Change the pillow arrangement as the baby grows.
Get a Thrupenny Bits portable pillow for breastfeeding in public.  I have the classic one because I am fuve foot three andJ is small. It's the perfect size for us.
Know about the mechanics of breastfeeding and common problems.  Inform yourself, then you can make the right decisions for you and the baby and you will know what questions to ask of midwives and health care assistants to help make it work.
Find a lactation consultant near you and book them in for a 1:1 early on so you can have expert advice to get latch and positioning sorted.  LCGB is the British governing body and you can find a consultant near you.

Get the number and opening times of the National Breastfeeding Helpline stored in your phone.
Know that for some families breastfeeding gets easy in week 2, in others it gets easy in week 6, in others maybe week 12, and in others maybe at 6 months.
Know that you will feel like you've gone one step forward and two steps back.  It's normal, but knowing it's normal doesn't help when you've had a painful stressful week of feeds.
Know that combi feeding or moving to fully formula isn't failing at anything, but is simply a change to the way you feed.
If someone tries to tell you that formula is 'just' food know they are probably smug and full of themselves.  Food is important to babies, there is no 'just' about it.
You can comfort babies through ways other that the boob.  Bottle feeding is for me, a far bigger bonding experience than breastfeeding, and quicker.
There is no shame in not enjoying breastfeeding, or in not wanting to put in 2/3/4/5.6+ months of slog to get the emotional benefits and enjoyment at 7+ months down the line.

Breastfeeding thoughts part two

When people say that breastfeeding correctly doesn't hurt, they usually neglect to say that that the first time you feed you are highly unlikely to do it correctly, so it will hurt. It will continue to hurt until you it right (and getting it right is a wonderful feeling!) and then when it is right it will still hurt a bit through your sore nipples being tender and/or cracked.  Though this pain is nothing like when you get it wrong - it's far less severe but still a touch above discomfort.

There are two or three types of pain - the baby's tongue against your test. Your test against the baby's hard palate and the baby's lower ja against your areola. Once you work out what is hurting you can work out how to fix it.
When you get it right you'll probably get it wrong the next time. It can hurt for the first minute if latching on, then not hurt. The baby can shift position to get a better hold.

You can have a pain free feed, then 3 or 4 hours later as your breasts fill up àgain your boobs are nipples can get really sore. I don't know why this is.

I have just bought and read the LA Leche League's book 'The womanly art of breastfeeding'. Terrible 1950s title, good informative book. It's given me more confidence. Even though most of our feeds are now pain free.

Breastfeeding

I'd always assumed that all the info thrown at you about breastfeeding was done out of arrogance and superiority from the breastfeeding lobby. Then I started breastfeeding and realised how hard it is, and why it is hard, and realised that without all the info given out it is highly unlikely women would continue to breastfeed. Formula feeding doesn't require the same level of learning.

You need support. You need training. To any new mothers use your midwives, health visitors and especially use lactation consultants. Go out on day 2 for help I'd you need it. Bf hurts when you start but it will get better. I'm on week 3 and now have pain free feeds, about 50-70% of the time. It can be done, but you need the 1:1 support

Pregnancy after stillbirth: completed

The baby lives! It's a boy, he's healthy and fine and feeding like a demon.
Labour was straightforward - I was put on a drip and it took 4.5 hours. For pain relief I had an epidural and gas and air. Got a first degree tear/graze and recovered really quickly - only had a slight bit of swelling and no muscle pain to speak of.

We are now at home and comfortable and relaxed and content.  Don't expect much blogging from me for the foreseeable future :)