New year goals - an update

In January I wrote about what I wanted to achieve this year. In February I did an update.  I want to update again, so here goes.

Find a work/life balance

- Achieved.  I have been part time in a  new role since March and my mental health has improved considerably.  I still get tied up in knots and make stupid decisions but the balance is vastly, vastly better.

Spend more time with my toddler.

- As I now work 2.5 days a week only I get lots more time with my boy and it's wonderful.  I've got to know him much better, we do loads of fun things and he is much happier having me around more.  I've had a period of several weeks of frustration and crossness as he goes through a difficult phase, but that is far preferable to working full time in a job I don't like and can't do.

Teach the toddler to say thank you, tidy up after himself and like vegetables.

- He is now so polite! He says please, thank you and you're welcome in nearly every appropriate situation.  Other people comment on how polite and kind he is.  I'm in awe of his manners, he's better than me.  After prompting, he now tidies up with little complaint.  He is also eating vegetables now - that was clearly just a developmental thing and just took time for him to get there but he's got a better diet now.

Do yoga a few times a week

- Not managed this. But I have booked an outside personal trainer session for next weekend so we'll see how that goes.

Spend less money

- Given that I earn a lot less than I did I am now far more careful with money and I budget for and record everything I spend, so I am far more in control now.

Work on reducing my trichotillomania symptoms

- I started having electrolysis in August and my electrologist is amazing.  After my first session with her I threw away the tweezers.  15 years of relying on the damn things and I threw them away with not much concern. Since the start of August I have plucked on two occasions, which were each days that an appointment was cancelled.  Inbetween appointments I shave or trim my chin hairs and the only hair removal is by my electrologist at the appointment. I have just done 2 weeks without having any hair removed by myself or her (due to a gap in appointments).  I never ever thought I would be able to do that.  My skin is looking far better, far less pink, and the hairs are considerably finer and lighter in colour,  I am amazed.

Be more appreciative of my parents

- Hmm. I don't know if I do this, I can't be objective about my relationship with them.

Get my asthma and knee twinges under control

- Asthma is up and down. I took ibuprofen for a knee flare up and it made me wheezy.  My knee flare ups are less regular than they were, but I do need to work on strengthening the muscles.  Hopefully the personal trainer can help with that.

Cycle to work more - don't get the bus because it is easy.

- I usually cycle.  If my asthma is acting up, or my knee, I get the bus, but mostly I cycle.  I have realised how exhausted I was in my last job so actually I don't feel bad about not cycling in every day then.

Give up sugar for lent

- I did this. It was really hard, then easy, then hard again.  It hasn't stopped me wanting sugar but I go through periods of reducing my sugar intake. I'll do it again next year.

New year goals

I wrote about what I wanted out of this new year.  I was at quite a low point when I wrote this but it seems I have already achieved some things. Let's see:

• Find a work/life balance and Spend more time with my toddler.

Achieved.  I go part time soon.  I am so relieved.  I am already happier and planning things to do with my son.

• Teach the toddler to say thank you, tidy up after himself and like vegetables.

This should be achievable when I'm part time and have more energy to parent him.  Mind you, he's already started saying sorry and excuse me more, so part of him learning thank you and please and other manners is just waiting for him to get old enough to get it.  I also want to teach him table manners because right now he's atrocious and I don't feel like I can take him out to lunch.  Although going part time will mean I can't afford to take him out to lunch.  As for the vegetables, he's starting to broaden his tastes anyway, nibbling on the odd bit of green stuff.  I will be following the advice in the First Bite book I mentioned in my last blog post and hopefully he will have a greater range of tastes soon.

• Spend less money.

Going part time means I will have less money to spend, so this one should be easy...

• Get my asthma and knee twinges under control/Do yoga a few times a week/cycle to work more

My asthma is already loads better - preventive inhalers are the bomb.  When my asthma is better I should be less prone to chest infections which means I will be able to cycle more.  being part time means I will spend more time on my feet and less at a desk which should be good for my health and my knee and. Doing yoga will mean that my knee should get better as well. I have had problems these last few days so I did a few sun salutations and seated forward folds tonight and was a bit narked at how far I didn't move.  So, another reason to do more regular stretches.

• Work on reducing my trichotillomania symptoms

I've not done anything about this yet. I appear to be pulling less at work, which is good, I hope that will continue.  I plan to get electrolysis on my chin done too, if I can afford it.  If that gets rid of some of the fuckers then my trich should reduce.

• Be more appreciative of my parents

I'm trying.  I've certainly be more truthful (in a kind way) to them recently.

• Give up sugar for lent

This will happen from Wednesday.  I will give up all processed sugar, including savoury food that has sugar added to it.  The exceptions are that I will keep eating honey and I will have alcohol as normal.  So about twice a month then.  I might blog it.  It might not be interesting and might just detail my dreams of cake, but wevs.  My blog, my writings.

Parenthood after loss

I wrote this with the intention of submitting it to The F Word blog, but since writing it I haven't gathered up the guts to submit it, and since I'm due so soon I also can't handle the editing and feedback process as I'm getting rather stressed about what will happen over the next couple of weeks.  So I'm going to publish it here and ask The F Word to link back to it as part of their weekly round up.

Talking about stress, I think I might have another post in me about the physiological and mental effects of extended stress.

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What makes a mother?  Or a father?

I used to think that you became a parent once you'd given birth.  Once the baby was outside of the mother, and breathing.  But recent events have changed my opinion on this.

My first child died at full term, for no known reason.  According to conventional wisdom, I am not a parent as I have no child at home to care for.  According to conventional wisdom, the 8-9 months I grew him and carried him aren't enough to make me a mother.  From my pre-pregnancy understanding, once my son had died, I wasn't sure if we were still parents.  We had no physical, moving, breathing, child to show and talk about and cosset.  I have the evidence in my body that I carried him to full term - the stretch marks, the linea nigra, the post labour pains, the recovery period, the dodgy knees, the sore back.  Everything about my body screamed that I was a mother yet I was missing the vital proof.

Losing a baby is likely to be the most horrific experience a parent will ever go through, and denying their experience as parents is damaging.  I am still a mother even though my son isn't here.  I ate the right things, went to the ante-natal appointments, saved the scan photos, planned and decorated the nursery, bought all the right stuff, read all the right books and took as best care of him as I could.  If that's not being a mother what is?

Louise who runs the Duck in a Dress blog wrote about infertility and mothering sunday, and came to the conclusion that you become a parent when you feel like one.  I agree with this.  It might be when you discover you are pregnant, when you accept you are pregnant, when you have the first scan, feel the first movements, or when you have their baby in their arms.  Or it might be when you decide you desperately want kids.

Leigh Kendall over at Headspace Perspective recently wrote about whether she is a mummy blogger, given that her son lived for just 35 days.  Just because Hugo isn't with her now does that make her less of a parent, does that give her less of a right to be part of the parenting blogging circles?

Still Standing magazine has an article on just this subject, the writer argues that "a mother isn’t born when a child is born. A mother and father are born when the dream of a child is conceived".

I believe that it doesn't matter whether your child died due to a cord accident, placental failure, intrauterine growth restriction, pre-eclampsia or Hellp, or if their heart just stopped.  You are still a parent, if you want to be.  Even if you choose to have a termination for medical reasons you are a parent, making a decision in the best interests of your baby, the same way as parents of living children would decide whether to turn off life support should there be problems after the child is born (at age 1 or 26).

For those of us whose babies have died, if we are no longer parents, what does that say about our experiences of pregnancy and delivery?  If your baby dies in utero, after about 14 weeks, you still have to give birth, whether that is by labour or cesarean section.  The labour process is the same as that with a living child.  I know what the difference between early and active labour and I know what ring of fire refers to, and what it feels like to pass the placenta (gross, since you asked).

I think for second trimester losses, there is even more of an inclination to dismiss the baby as not real, and the parents as not parents, and that's damaging.  Baby loss parents have pregnancy symptoms and delivery stories, the same as every other mother out there, because it's the same process, but not if others don't recognise us as parents.  Not if they treat us, on later pregnancies, as first time parents.  Dismissing our children is a crushing experience.

We are still parents and it's about time the rest of the world recognised that.

Some notes:
Baby loss, through second trimester miscarriage, stillbirth (in the UK this is classified as death of a baby after 24 weeks gestation and prior to birth), is vastly unknown and misunderstood.  People think it doesn't happen, or that it's preventable, or that you'll get warning of it.  That's not always the case.  In 2013, over 5700 babies died just before, during or soon after birth.  That’s over 100 babies every week. Sometimes reasons are found, more often they are not.  Dealing with the death of a baby, whether you are the parent, other relative or a friend, is a hugely complicated and emotional thing to do.  If you then go on to become pregnant again, it's even more messy.  However there is support available:
Sands - providing support for those affected by late miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death, as well as promoting research around babies dying.  June is Sands awareness month, find out more here.
Tommys - funding research into stillbirth, premature birth and miscarriage, and providing information for parents.
Miscarriage Association - UK site giving information and support for all stages of miscarriage.
Movements advice from RCOG
Still Standing magazine - online magazine dealing with child loss and infertility