A walk in the woods...

sometimes turns into something else....

sometimes...

it can alter your perception...

sometimes...

it can rock your world...

sometimes...

it simply makes you grateful....

this day did all that

for me.

I am in awe of live oaks.....

centuries...they live.

They see hundreds of us...

and are unfazed..

we are so small.

Grateful.

The times they are a changin'.....

This photo has absolutely nothing to do with the topic,

I just wanted to look at it....

Now, to the changin' times...

Do you live in the town you grew-up in?

Or, have you visited the town of your childhood, lately?

Have you noticed that many of the buildings that you used as

landmarks are gone?

Familiar streets no longer look so familliar?

The fabulous example of a long ago designed architecture

has been leveled...

The old roller skating rink, complete with creaky wooden floors...gone.

Even your elementary school doesn't even look the same?

What is happening people?!

Well.....I have been told

"Welcome to late middle age!"

Holy AARP, Batman!

I am not ready to be sitting at my

dinner table with friends

saying things like

"Remember the old saw mill down the road from the A&P?"

Nope,

I just can't see me doing that.....

so, I will photograph the places of my youth...

while they still exist,

and hope that the

world slows down just a bit....

Old smiles....

What I realized....

was....that I had spent my entire life

making others responsible for my happiness...

I was miserable and went

about my life blaming the

misbehaving people in my life,

for my sadness...

Eight years ago...

all that changed.

suddenly, as those towers came down..

I came face to face with my

sadness....

at first, all I could do was cry...

sometimes for the thousands affected by this tragedy,

and at times, honestly... for myself

for all I was missing in life.

For the relationship that had not blossomed

and grown...

For the envy I felt toward

happy women in good relationships.

Over the next few days,

it seemed that every time I listened to radio,

or TV, I heard stories of people who were "saved"

from the catastrophe thru some strange coincidence

or "angelic intervention".

All of these people, when interviewed, spoke

about how they came to believe that God had something

"bigger" in mind for them, that they were not meant to

be in the towers, but were meant to live...

and perhaps accomplish something else.

I started to think about

exactly what I was "contributing"...

I prayed, meditated, and consulted with people

whose opinion I valued.

Someone, who has always been there for me

said...."you know, we are all responsible for our own

happiness...."

Really.

Well...

those words changed my life.

I woke up.

I started to work on me...

I explored new avenues...

I started to look at my happiness as a project,

one that would be on-going.

I worked toward the goal of self-responsibility,

and I started to step out on faith...

faith that if I "would simply show up at the party...

well, something will happen".

A tremendous amount of difficult things

started to happen,

but you know....

through it all,

I was happy.

smiles.

Let's just say....it changed my life....

09/11/01

No, I didn't loose anyone....

not in a personal connection sense
but I lost me....

It is very difficult to describe exactly

where I was at the time...

but it all started with the phone call...

just like everyone else who received a phone call

that morning....

I was ironing....

laundry was piled up on the couch...

hanging from the doorways....

tumbling in the dryer...

swishing in the washer...

and lying on the floor...

It was a day much like today.

I was mesmerised by what I saw....

I sat down on the couch and just stared at the TV...

mouth hanging open for quite awhile..

and then I broke the stare...

jumped up and called my parents...

They hadn't even turned on their TV...

they had no idea...

soon my dad was saying quietly...

"It'll come down.."

I didn't know what he meant at first,

but he is a Civil Engineer, so I knew it was

a "structural comment".

He said

"they both will come down soon..."

I could not absorb the enormity of what

he was saying.

But there they were.....falling....

both of them.

As they day unfolded...

TV quietly murmuring in the background...

I started to receive calls...

iron some more...

make calls....

iron...

And then,

a small seed started to grow

inside of me...

The seed of freedom.

I was thinking about what it means to

be an American, and I thought about my life.

I had been miserable for months...

maybe years.

I needed some relief...

but didn't know how....

This day eight years ago started a journey for me...

a journey that has brought me to this place of happiness.

Happiness like I have never felt in my life.

Can one be happy, grateful...

and terribly sad....

all at the same time?

A Change of outlook......

An entirely new outlook.....

That's what is called for in these frightening economic times.....

Lost jobs, disillusioned employees, pressured employers, slow sales....

We are all feeling it, regardless of our financial situations...

The one thing that I am quite sure of....

Americans are a resilient bunch.

It takes a crisis, sometimes,..... for us to rise to the challenge.

I am confident, just for today, that we will all be better for this.

Re-evaluating our lives goes right along with the change.

So.....

Let's all pull ourselves up out of our doldrums,

BAKE something for Pete's sake!

That's what my grandmother would do.

Everyone take a break to step back from the fear,

and then let's tackle the unthinkable.

Change.....

Does anyone have any idea why they call it "menopause",

when in fact nothing is actually pausing?

It seems that everything is happening at once,

wrinkles, pimples, skipped periods, cramps,

more zits, more wrinkles to match them,

mood swings, hot flashes, heat rash,

heels splitting due to dry skin.

What the hell is going on here?

One day I feel like a teenager, full of zest for living

and the very next day, I can hardly get out of bed,

achy, tired and simply beat by gravity.

This fern is in the east facing window of my living room.

It has survived and prospered even with the dry heat air of winter.

I mist it everyday, and water often.

It looks great!

I wonder if I should start misting myself?

Still more layers....

Still pealing...

Well, there is one very interesting aspect of being in this process.....

As the layers pile up behind me, I am able to look at them with some perspective.

Not always, this is not a perfect process (or maybe,....it is).

But occasionally, I look back at a part of me that has undergone transformation,..... or I have outgrown,...... or I have simply discarded,..... and I can see it for what it really was.

Sometimes......

I find that it was only an old tool

that I used to get me through a rough patch,

or maybe it was learned behaviour from childhood,

or maybe it was just me being selfish.

Whatever it was, it doesn't suit me any longer,

and I must get rid of it.

If I don't, it will fester and irritate me.

I don't' dare forget the layer though,

for if I do.....

It will creep back into my repertoire,

I will use it, as it is familiar.....

and if not really careful, I will allow it to

become part of me again,

and the whole process will start over.

Growing up is so very hard to do....

When....

We never know....

When our time will come,

When good is right around the corner,

when we will loose a friend,

when the cake will flop,

when memories will overwhelm us,

when the good in someone will shine through,

when the dog will bark,

when children will make more sense than adults,

when snow will fall,

when your son will delight you with his intelligence,

when your parents will need you to guide them,

when the postman will bring the long awaited letter,

when your best friend will disappoint you,

when your mentor will change, for the worse,

when you will question God,

when he will renew your faith,

when you will be given a second chance,

when everything you have ever wished for will suddenly be true.

Thank God for change....