just breathe

What a week...and it's only been a few days.

I've just felt a bit "compressed".
Do you know what I mean?
That feeling you get when you really don't feel like there is a spare minute in the day.
And you don't remember the last time you took a long deep breath?
(okay, so it was like last Saturday, but still...)

Tuesday morning I spoke at a morningside for Brighton High School. It was an early start to a really long day (but seriously impressive kids. seriously.). By the time I got home from work, just in time to cook up a little something for mi papa before the viewing, I *might* have been in exhausted tears. It was just one of those days when the thought of dealing with a difficult teenager or an overworked husband sounded a whole heckuva lot better than dealing with corporate life.

Then last night when I spoke to a really great group of girls and their moms, after an emotional day, I noticed I was holding my breath. Like I hadn't inhaled for forever (I do that sometimes. I forget to breathe. I know. Not good.)

So, today, it has felt really good to be in San Antonio.
It felt good to be at the riverwalk.
It felt good to eat yummy mexican food.
It felt good to laugh. so hard.
It felt good to walk the streets tonight with good people.
It felt good to come back to the hotel knowing I had packed my running gear.
It felt good to know I chose to do that.
And then it felt REALLY good to run.

(Felt even better to go treading...because it's Thursday and that's what I do. But, note to self: I tread harder and faster when I'm treading with a guy...even if he's a married one. I just broke my previous limits! Anyone want to lend me their hubby on Thursday nights?)

Sometimes we just need a breath of fresh air.
Yep...I just needed to breathe.
And, as it turns out, breathing is a very good thing.

(We are SO excited for our first ever TIME OUT FOR GIRLS event this weekend here in sunny Texas. SO. Excited!)


(image found here)

all my little heart needed

I could not let go of him.
I grabbed his arm the minute we sat down for the viewing.
I held onto it as we followed the casket into the chapel.
I squeezed it as soon as we took our place with the rest of the family in the chapel.

I could not sing the words to the opening song.
And I just cried and cried, going through all the toilet paper I had stolen from the restroom.

I looked over at him a couple of times.
I kept my hand on his.
I rested my head on his shoulder.
My heart felt so tender.

And I cried some more.
This time I sang the closing song while he cried.

When the funeral ended and it was time to say "good-bye", all I could say was, "So help me, Dad, if you die before I get married, I will never speak to you again."
And I meant it.

I just so want him (the good-to-the-core him that I end up with) to know him (the good-to-the-core him that is my dad). That just feels so important to me.

He assured me he'd be around for a long time.

I walked to my car while he walked back to the family.
I turned around for one last look at the scene.
of love.
of legacy.
of eternity.

And as I walked away, alone, I realized I wasn't.
And I felt incredible peace.
For once, I wasn't worried about my dad as I said "good-bye".
I didn't play the "what if" game in my head.
And I didn't worry about him all day.

I just felt peace.
My tender heart felt peace.

And that was all I needed today.
That was all my little heart needed.

A journey of redemption

"I take literally the statement in the Gospel of John that God loves the world. I believe that the world was created and approved by love, that it subsists, coheres, and endures by love, and that, insofar as it is redeemable, it can be redeemed only by love. I believe that divine love, incarnate and indwelling in the world, summons the world always toward wholeness, which ultimately is reconciliation and atonement with God." -Wendall Barry (American poet, critic, academic, farmer)

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of REDEMPTION.
I've been thinking about it because I have felt a deep need for it.
I've been thinking about it because in the midst of this journey of faith and optimism (which, interestingly enough, I'm learning are the same thing), I have sensed I am very much on a journey of redemption as well.

Someone who knows me almost better than anyone loaned me a book to read.
Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand.
(Time named it the top book in 2010. Where have I been?)
It's a biography/memoir...my favorite kind of book.
But, it's more than that.
It is truly one of the most powerful stories of redemption I have ever read.
I loved it. LOVED. IT.

Unbroken is the story of Louie Zamperini, an American and an Olympian. He was on track to be the first recorded person to break the four-minute mile (so, yes, a runner too. I loved it for that as well).

"In the morning he rose to run again. He didn't run from something or to something, not for anyone or in spite of anyone; he ran because that is what his body wished to do. The restiveness, the self-consciousness, and the need to oppose disappeared. All he felt was peace."
-Unbroken, pg. 16
(This thought alone deserves its own post.)

Then he joined the fight for freedom that was World War II.
And everything changed.

Louie's plane was shot down and after fourty-seven days at sea, thinking an American plane had finally found them in the open water, was captured by the Japanese. And what followed was a series of unspeakable horrors.

"Dignity is as essential to human life as water, food, and oxygen. The stubborn retention of it, even in the face of extreme physical hardship, can hold a man's soul in his body long past the point at which the body should have survived it. The loss of it can carry a man off as surely as thirst, hunger, exposure and asphyxiation, and with greater cruelty. In places like Kwajalein, degradation could be as lethal as a bullet."
-Unbroken, pg. 183

There was a point at which I almost stopped reading--the darkness Louie experienced at the hands of another person was too much for my little heart to read. But, I trusted my friend and I kept reading. And I'm sincerely so grateful I did.

Because what followed the series of unspeakable horrors was a man who survived the worst that humanity can inflict upon humanity. He had truly lost all reason to hope but God had claim upon his life and his heart and in one amazing night, that same God aligned the stars in the heavens to reach Louie. He used Billy Graham to do it.

And Billy Graham did.

"Resting in the shade and the stillness, Louie felt profound peace. When he thought of his history, what resonated with him now was not all that he had suffered but the divine love that he believed had intervened to save him. He was not the worthless, broken, forsaken man that the Bird had striven to make of him. In a single moment, his rage, his fear, his humiliation and helplessness, had fallen away. That morning, he believed, he was a new creation.
Softly, he wept."
-Unbroken, pg. 376

Louie's entire life seemed to be redeemed in one beautiful bible-reading night.
The horrors of his life, the deamons that had embedded themselves in Louie's heart, vanished. And Louie eventually went back to Japan to forgive the very men who had been hell-bent on his destruction.

"He felt something he had never felt for his captor before. With a shiver of amazement, he realized that it was compassion. At that moment, something shifted sweetly inside him. It was forgiveness, beautiful and effortless and complete. For Louie Zamperini, the war was over."
-Unbroken, pg. 379

Life really can change in an instant.
Hearts can change in a moment.
Deep-rooted beliefs can be abolished in mere seconds.
The wars of our lives end.
Through the power of redemption.

And through Louie's redemption, he was able to help in the journey of the redemption of others.

I think that is the beauty of the concept of redemption.
It is rarely just about us and God.
Rather, I believe it is about how God uses us to help each other become redeemed.

And I believe that is true because that is my experience now.
My journey of redemption is not just about me and Him.
There are others involved.
And you know, I believe that is just the way He always intended it to be.
I am oh so grateful for that.

(To be totally clear, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I understand (and am learning more every day) that redemption is made possible ONLY through Him. This redemption journey of mine is all about accessing the power of the Atonement. And in a future day, perhaps not too far from now, I'll be sharing some of what I'm learning there as well.)


(want a taste of the life of Louie Zamperini? Watch this. But, seriously, read the book too.)

Easter Promises

I have vivid memories of my dad sitting in the library in our Kentucky home (I also remember that I thought we were rich because we had a "library". Really, it was just a family room with bookshelves and no television.)

I remember him sitting there, eyes closed, listening.
And more than once I saw him cry.

He was listening to this powerful song, "The Pilgrim's Chorus".
It comes from the famed Opera Tannhauser.
I don't know how my dad was familiar with it.
But, listening to this song often made him cry.
He knew the story and I still remember the day he shared it with me in that old Kentucky home.
I have never forgotten that day.

It's a powerful story of redemption.
Our need for reconciliation with God.
And God's willingness to forgive.
And His supernal ability to love.
Love US.
And it's about His promises.
Promises to US.

For me, THAT is the message of Easter.
God, the Father of us all, provided a way for all to be redeemed.
To live again and forever.
And to make claim on all of His promises.

Happy Easter, my friends.
This year, make claim on His promises to you.


Once more with joy
O my home I may meet
Once more ye fair, flowr'y meadows I greet
My Pilgrim's staff henceforth may rest
Since Heaven's sweet peace is within my breast.
The sinner's 'plaint on high was heard
Accepted by our gracious Lord.
The tears I laid before His shrine
Are turned to hope and joy divine.
O Lord eternal praise be Thine!
The blessed source of Thy mercy overflowing
On souls repentant seek Ye, restoring
Of hell and death, I have no fear
My gracious Lord is ever near

Alleluia!
Alleluia!
Eternal King, Eternal King!

my James.

I'm his aunt laurel.
He's my James.

We're both a "third child".
That might not mean much to you.
But, it means something to third children.

We are not the oldest.
We are not the youngest.
We're right in the middle.
We tend to be emotional...sometimes prone to dramatics.
But we are peacemakes. We like everyone to be happy.
We are independent. We have to be.
We are passionate.
We're creative and we dream big.
We have vivid imaginations.
We have a sweet side.
And we [happily] outgrow our not-so-sweet side.

James and I had a really special little chat right after his baptism last weekend.
I will never forget it.
And only the Lord knows why it was so important for me.

Of all the good things in my life, being "aunt laurel" really is one of the goodest.
I love each of my sibling's kiddos.
They bless my life in so many ways.

And this little guy, was a much needed blessing last weekend.
I love my James.

little eli

This little guy was born three weeks ago:


And I just couldn't wait one more day to go meet him.
(I mean, seriously. How cute is he? And yes, that hair is RED.)

So Deana and I jumped on a Southwest flight (thank you, Southwest Airlines) and went and surprised his mommy.


Erin cried when we walked in the door.
(Oh, I so wanted her to cry. Is that so wrong?)

And we nibbled on little Eli


and talked and then kidnapped Erin for a yummy lunch.

And then we drove back to the airport and came home.

I love "day trips".
I love day trips to Denver.
I love friends who get married and have baby #1, even at the age of 38.
I love seeing Erin as a mommy.


I loved today.
It was another needed sweet one.


(My sweet uncle Hal passed away last night at 11:30pm. Prayers to my Moons.)

Sweet is...[Part 2]

I walked to my terminal after I said "good-bye" to my parents at the Richmond Airport on Monday.

And then, I felt a lump in my throat.

Suddenly I was a 10 year old little girl watching my parents go to their terminal as I went to mine. I felt the unbelievable pull to run back to them.

And hug my dad.

"Laurel. Seriously. You are 39. You're an adult. You're okay," I tried to tell myself.

But run I did.

I hugged my dad and the tears came.
Why on earth was I so sad?
Why do I worry that every time I say "good-bye" to him, it could be the last?
Why didn't I want to leave his side?

We didn't know when we would see each other next.
That was certainly part of it.
(Though I giggled when I landed in Atlanta to a text from my mom reminding me we have plans to see each other in 3 weeks).

But, it was more than that.

I have a fear of losing my dad while I'm still in this single state of mine.
I know plenty of girls who had have to bear that.
And I just have never felt like I had it in me to be one of them.
It's something I sincerely pray about.
Often.

"Please don't take him while I'm still alone."
I prayed that before my grandpa died.
But, I've said it much more intently ever since.

And so tonight, when I got home from the gym and I learned the father of one of my dearest friends (and also single-chica cousin) had taken a turn for the worse, I grabbed my jacket and my sweaty smelly self and rushed to the hospital.

I love my extended family.
I love them.
But, I rushed for her.

We both were impacted by the loss of our grandpa and have often talked about what we would do if we lost our dads. And I just couldn't bear the thought of what she was about to face. And I wasn't about to have her face that without me there.

Not because I thought she needed me.
But, I knew I was the only person that could walk into that room truly understanding what it was she was feeling.
Not because I've experienced it.
But because I fear it.

And why?
Why is it such a fear of mine?
What is it about the need a woman has for a man in her life?

I've spoken before about the power men have in the lives of their daughters. What I haven't talked about much...what is much too close to my heart to talk about even know...is the space that exists in the life of a single girl. That space that is meant to be filled by a man. I don't necessarily understand it.

But, I know that's the way it was meant to be.

It's not about not being "complete".
It's not about not being a "whole person".
It's not about desperation or a pathetic state.

It's about the Plan.

And while you're "waiting" (oh so very patiently) for that space to be filled, your father (and/or grandfather) seems to take an even more critical role.

He is the voice of reason.
He is the constant.
He is the love.
He is the protector.
He is the hero.

Until the other "he" can fill that space.

I just spent more than three hours in a hospital room, drenched in the spirit of the Gospel and the truth of the Plan of Salvation and so much family love. I gave my sweet cousin one last hug and then I walked, alone to my car.

And I cried in the elevator like I had on Monday.
I cried hard.
I cried for my cousin who is now being asked to do the thing I've plead with the Lord to spare me from.
I cried for my aunt who is losing her partner for a time.
I cried for cousins who are losing their papa.

I cried for me.

But as I got into my car, even alone, I felt a sweetness come over me.
The sweetness that comes from a God who takes care of me.
The sweetness that comes from a Father who knows me.
The sweetness that comes from the knowledge of a Plan the promises that everything works out in the end.

This doesn't change the desires of my heart.
This doesn't change the hope I have that my cute dad will be around long enough to see this chica end up with the love of her life.

But it does change this fear I've had.
And the fear is gone.

Because I do trust that God takes care of me,
that He loves me,
and that the plan...
HIS plan
has everything working out in the end.

And as it turns out, tonight, that's the sweetest truth of all.


(Interestingly enough, I wrote the below post earlier today. I scheduled it to post tonight just in case I had anything else I needed to add to it. It posted right as I got home but I couldn't go to bed tonight without posting again. Because I definitely had something else to add.)

Sweet is...

-wearing a cute Audrey Hepburn-style jacket that is 3 sizes smaller than where you were in December.

-finding out your niece cried when she went to bed because she smelled you on her pillowcase and she misses you.

-her not wanting to change her pillowcase 'til your scent leaves.

-imagining your scent smells like the best flowers ever.

-getting an email from an intern you barely had interaction with thanking you for your "silent example of a motivated successful woman involved in meaningful work".

-having the spirit tell you to make sure a dear friend had something waiting for them on the doorstep after a really long hard day. And listening to that prompting.

-listening to an old saved voicemail from your little brother from nearly 2 years ago and loving that he missed me while I was in China.

-going to lunch with a friend and realizing that if you had a tagline it would be: "Laurel--saving marriages one man at a time." (I know what to tell your husband, ladies. You're welcome.)

-realizing you might not have too many months left where it will be appropriate to go to lunch with married men because, well, you're kind of getting cuter.

-the perfect mix cd from someone who has nearly impeccable taste in perfect Christian songs

-someone telling you you have runner's legs

-sensing that life is getting ready to be one corner after another and you're really really ready to go around them.

-treading on a Friday night and feeling okay that your half marathon is one of the things "just around this corner" too.

-being really excited about your Saturday plans.

-going to bed with a real sense of contentment.

Sweet is...
sweet.

Mercies in disguise

Some of my greatest blessings really have come through
raindrops and tears
and sleepless nights
and other mercies in disguise.

I can finally see that now.
And I'm so grateful.
For His mercy.

(Take a listen.)



Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
-Laura Story

sure. certain.

Faith is a living,

daring confidence

in God's grace,
so sure and certain

that a man could

stake his life on it

a thousand times.

-Martin Luther

One more little learning on my faith quest.

And I'm loving it.

i laugh in the face of "impossible"

I've been wanting to do it for weeks now.
Run a full 5K.
And this morning?
I did.
All by myself.**
Yep.
3.2 miles.
All of it running.

I came in first place, btw.
That's what happens when it's just you.
YAY ME.

Things are changing, people.
I'm not the same girl I used to be.
That "impossible" word really is losing its power.
I laught in its general direction.**
[wah ha ha]

**Truth be told, I know it was me and the Lord. And by the time I was done, there were more tears (of gratitude) than laughs (though I did giggle). What happened this morning was really important to me and how it happened taught me more than I've already learned. And there will be a post for that too. There really will be. I have things I need to be willing to share. Trying to be vulnerable enough to do it.

In the meantime, honestly, does anyone realize how huge this is? Anyone? And is there something that seems impossible to YOU right now? Because, I'm telling you...it's not. Not impossible at all.
(find image and adorable little notebook here)

becoming

This past weekend I officially spoke at my first Time Out for Women event. And while I will likely never be able to articulate what happened to me while I was on that stage, I have to try and give it words.

I was a real live presenter with a real live message...
a message that wasn't entirely mine because it was clearly given to me.
Not just on Thursday night when I made the final tweaks,
but over the course of a lifetime.

And on that stage, on that day, I experienced the moment when my life seemed to all come together. It was as if I heard the Lord say to me, "Do you see that you have the right to say what you're saying because of the things you've experienced?"

I could see that the "wrenching of my very heartstrings", everything I've felt and done, everytime I've failed and tried, everything I've loved and lost, every bit of my life had brought me to this place. A place of learning and a place of sharing.

And I felt a depth of gratitude my heart had never produced before.

And I realized that sharing my experience was a way to say "Thank you".
Because I am so very grateful.
So grateful.

And that is why...
I am becoming.
A little closer to the girl I was meant to be.

Now, that is not to take away from who I've been.
I've been who He knew I'd be...
Until I was ready to become something more.
And only He knew I when I'd be ready.

And now I know too.
And I want it.
Oh, I want it.

So I need to pay the price.

I see now that's the least I can do.


What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want. -Mignon McLaughlin

He lost his head

He's been in my life for a little over a year.
A friend introduced us shortly after my last relationship ended.

Oh, I was sad at the time.
Wanting something to be right that just wasn't right.

So my friend thought he would be a good reminder that there was someone out there who would someday be the holder of my heart.

And he really has been such a good reminder.
I've grown a bit attached to him, frankly.

But, then something changed.
And seriously, He lost his mind.

Or at least his head...
(keep scrolling)















I threw a bridal shower get-together tonight.
I noticed my bookshelf was dusty.
I don't much like dust.
And, well...I knocked him right off.
The cut to his head was clean.

And now he's headless.
Totally headless.
Poor guy.

Do you think it's an omen?
And would that be a good one or a bad one?

(no, i'm not glueing the head back on. something about how he looks right now is really sweet. or creepy. i can't decide.)

Personal little prophetic epistles

THAT is a mouthful, isn't it?
But, it really was the case.

In the last session of General Conference, Elder Holland said, "If they [the speakers] speak by the spirit and we listen by the spirit, we will hear personal little prophetic epistles just for us."

And I want to record just a few of the prophetic epistles I heard.
My suspicion is they weren't totally just for me.

I made notes of the following:

Like Christ needed to experience pain to understand us, perhaps we need to experience the depths of mortality to understand Him. -Elder Richards

When we have a vision of what we can become, our power to act increases dramatically. -Elder Oaks

I have a new priority effort (Thank you, Elder Oaks)

The Church will only expand as we serve and love our fellowmen. -Elder Ballard

Choose your love and love your choice. -someone in the Priesthood session as quotes to me by my brother. I loved this one.

By becoming the answer to someone else's prayer, we often find the answer to our own. -President Uchtdorf

We must be careful that we don't resent the very things that cause us to put on the divine nature. -Elder Johnson

The work for caring for one another is a sanctifying work. -Bishop Burton

We emphasize marvelous manifestations so much that we may overlook the small moments of revelation. -Elder Bednar thanks to a probably horrible paraphrasing by me

I committed to leave notes in my husband's scriptures (how sweet was that?). I also wrote my "What kind of wife I am willing/ready to be" list. I'm ready to be a kinder and better wife than I would have been before. Thanks, Elder Scott.

Our Heavenly Father is a God of high expectations. We should rejoice that God considers us worth the time to chasten. -Elder Christofferson

We need to be the kind of parent to our children that our Father in Heaven is to us. -Elder Robbins (and "Discipline comes from the same root word as disciple"...LOVED that.)

Focus on my "to be" list. (Thanks, Elder Robbins...who, btw, gave the best talk ever about romantic love vrs. real love several years ago at a Stake Conference in St. Louis.)

One way or another, God will have His voice heard. -Elder Holland

And I heard it in so many ways this weekend.
Through music.
Through messages.
Through conversations.
In prayer.
As I wrote.

I feel renewed in a way I've not felt before.
I feel convicted to continue on my journey.
I feel encouraged to be a little more me.
I feel loved.
I feel safe.
I feel strong.

I loved the experience of receiving personal little prophetic epistles.
That's my new favorite phrase.

the real finish line

In 10 weeks it will be Saturday, June 11.

10 short weeks.

And today I was thinking about the finish line that day...
Maybe even feeling a little anxious about it.
Imagining though what it will feel like to run towards it.
Trying to figure out why it's so important to me...
What it all represents.

And I'm figuring it out.

At the very moment Elder Oaks opened his mouth in the afternoon session of General Conference, I seemed to hear the spirit say, "listen. closely."
And I did. And heard whisperings beyond what he said.

But, his masterful message...my thoughts...that will have to be saved for a future post when I can watch/read/devour his words again.

(Desires + Labor + Faith. What a formula, eh?)

For now, let me just say, that while I fully intend to run through that finish line, this isn't about June 11 anymore.
Because this journey is about so much more.
And the real finish line has become something else for me.
The true desires of my heart.

Which would explain why I feel compelled to run.
Forward.

The finish line is sometimes merely
the symbol of victory.
All sorts of personal triumphs
take place before that point,
and the outcome of the race
may actually be decided
long before the end.
~Laurence Malone (cyclocross champion)


On another note, had a little chat with one my brother who was my mole tonight for the Priesthood Session.
And thus my facebook status:
from what I've heard, sounds like a whole lotta single ladies are going to need to send "thank you" notes to President Monson. I'll provide the stamps.

Let me know as soon as you need one.
xoxo

a sacred life

"She's turning her life into something sacred: Each breath a new birth. Each moment, a new chance. She bows her head, gathers her dreams from a pure, deep stream and stretches her arms towards the sky."
-Monique Duval



Is your life turning into something sacred?
I want to know mine is.

That's what this weekend is all about for me.
Oh, I can't wait.


(find image and a must-have little notebook here)

Oh, and did another taping yesterday with Amanda Dickson for a "Ladies Night" show after Conference. Saturday 4pm (mountain) on KSL radio (or you can listen on ksl.com). It was all about today's teen girls...which was also the theme of a new project I've been working on. Stay tuned for details.