Treading Water

Heather, you said that me writing is an encouragement. I'm afraid you may disagree when I finish this post.

I'm beat.  I went to bed feeling icky and woke up the same. I've not been sleeping well at all. Back to my same routine of waking every few hours struggling with breathing and feeling restless and uncomfortable. Often I can't get back to sleep, so I spend a couple of hours in the middle of the night tossing, turning, praying, fretting, and wasting time on the computer.

My days are full, but I am always dragging.  I have so much to get done with packing, cleaning, schooling, and basic life. Yet, my heart isn't in it. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog.  I'm excited about all we have going on, I'm just feeling too worn down to fully enjoy it.

I'm barely eating and not always the best choices.  I'm not eating junk, but I'm not getting in everything I should either by way of protein, vegies and fruits.  Often, I'm just too tired to bother. 

I keep forgetting to test. Though, my numbers are all fine when I do.  I'm relieved on that measure.

Today I'd like to rest. I feel like my body just needs a shut-down for a bit. But, I have many errands to run and an appt. to meet a new OB and check on dear little Kindy.  I'm still brainstorming on how to do that with all the children in tow. I'll be so grateful when tax season is over and my husband is part of our life again.

My bright spot of hope is approaching, though. My amazing man has made arrangements to take me away for my birthday this weekend. (a bit early, but I'll take it!) We haven't had a weekend away alone for many, many years.  We leave on Friday for a hotel with a spa. He arranged for a couples massage for us on Friday night. Saturday he'll be going to work so I'll have that luxurious room all to myself until his day is done.  Whirlpool tub, fireplace, balcony overlooking the lake, quiet...I just can't imagine.  I guess I'll push through today, push through the cleaning for my in-laws that needs doing tomorrow, and enjoy my weekend shut down. :)  I am SO ready to be a bride again and just enjoy the affections and company of my favorite person.

I apologize for not being the encouragement I long to be for your ladies.  My eyes glaze over whenever I get to any kind of reading in blog land. I do pray you are all pressing forward in your journeys. I know the Lord will complete this work He has begun in your lives. I treasure your prayers and thoughts and the kind notes you leave for me.  You are all a great blessing.

Wednesday January 25, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Bible and journal, up early
Packed my husband's lunch and dinner cheerfully
Bible study with friend
Followed menu plan
Declined yummy sweet bread at bible study (knowing I had had a cookie before I left *blush*)
morning stretch and some Wii fit in the afternoon
afternoon nap
pushed to finish the day strong

Today's Not So Good Things:
Didn't resist the cookies
grumpy with children while trying to nap
Still going to computer to busy my hands instead of something more productive

Today's Food Choices:
Breakfast: 2oz cheese, 1 slice rye caraway toast - buttered, decaf coffee, water
Snack: hm cookie
Lunch: 1 cup(ish) ranch beans w/ turkey, 2-3 tbs shredded cheddar, hot sauce, pickle, 2 slices ww italian loaf - buttered (I didn't eat enough at snack, so I was hungry and gave in to a second slice of bread. boo.)
Snack: 1 small grapefruit, 1/2 cup dry roasted peanuts
Dinner: Grilled ham/turkey/cheese sandwich on ww, carrot sticks, 1/2 cup applesauce
Snack: 3/4 cup plain ff greek yogurt & 1/2 cup frozen fruit

Decaf and water throughout the day

This week is a transition time for us. We're getting use to David working tax season hours and last night I struggled a bit. He leaves by 7am, sometimes earlier during the week and gets home between 8:30 and 9pm.  Last night, by 7pm, I was d.o.n.e.  However, the Lord enabled me to motivate the children for a pick up, play a game of Crazy Eights with my 7yo, and send the littles to bed with a smile.  I know these coming months will be hard, but I also see the Lord giving me his view of it and embracing it as a gift.  I do get so very tired, yet I know this is a wonderful season to spend with my children and enjoy building our team. It's also been sort of fun to hang with my husband and the bigs while we watch Dick Van Dyke together before we all head to bed. That's a fun new tradition that these hours have brought about. ;)

I was glad to get in some fun exercise with the children. I'd like to get us all out today for a family walk. The weather is warm enough that we can all do that.  I'm reporting from yesterday today because I didn't want to take up time with my husband to be on the computer last night. So far today I was up earlier than my wake up time and got in my pilates and bible reading. A very good start to my day.  I just need to work through some of the children's attitudes, as a few woke up feeling grumpy today. I've also done well with my food choices so far, even though it's only been one meal. ;)

Monday Weigh-In

Finally.

Noticed how I've been avoiding this for the past 2 weeks? I should've recorded the numbers, even though they weren't pleasant. I always gave myself an excuse....

....there's no way I gained 3 pounds in a week! That must be water...
....dumb scale won't give me a consistent reading....
....well, of course it says that, I've not been working hard...

blah, blah, blah!

The last two weeks have been confusing with the scale. However, it was easy to see that my lack of diligence and discipline was not getting it moving in the right direction.

After working hard all last week, though, I'm pleased to see that I'm down nearly a pound from my last recorded weight! Hooray!!! 

That right there is such great motivation. I'm excited to start the new week with new energy!

Active Patience

I was updating my notes from the book I'm reading. As I was doing so, I felt this topic warranted it's own post. I am struck by the truth it holds and the simple way it challenges me in this journey. Here are some quotes and my thoughts I wanted to get down.

"The testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing." 
James 1:3-4

"...we often think of patience and waiting as an empty time--a time of doing nothing. But waiting can be a very important, even critical, time in our development.

Patience benefits our souls as much as it ever does our bodies. Remember, the Apostle Paul charged us to 'run with perseverance the race that is set before us' (Heb 12:1). Even in the midst of running a race, patience is key. Without patience, endurance and perseverance, discouragement sets in. And with discouragement comes defeat. Patience is not a passive time. Patience is a time of growing.

I'm encouraging active patience--patience that comes with taking the first step in the direction you know you need to go--perseverance. Paul didn't say to 'sit on the sidelines with your patience.' He clearly said to join the race.

You have joined the race. Patience will help you get to the goal line because it will help you put one foot in front of the other at a steady pace instead of sprinting out fast, wearing yourself out, and not finishing the race.

'...when you do one thing right--at the right time--the next thing works even better, and you, one day, will become what you want to become.'

People who lose weight and keep it off don't need to be extreme. Patience keeps them steady."

I find amazing encouragement and a bit of chiding in these words. I admit, I want to be skinny now.  Well, truth be told, I'd be happy if it was yesterday. ;-)  I confess, I get so upset and irritated when I work so hard for great results and they don't come fast enough. It's true, I hate being told I need to "just be patient".  However, I find great empowerment in this concept of Active Patience. It is true that when I think of patience, I equate that with sitting still and doing nothing. Yet, that is so far from the truth. Patience IS perseverance. Patience is ENDURANCE. Those are ACTIVE words. Those things require me to work and to work HARD.  And, they hold hope and promise for a reward. 

Honestly, I have such a great mountain to climb, I need all the Active Patience the Lord will grant. Yet, I can already see that the testing of my faith in this area is certainly creating an endurance I've never known. I can't remember the last time I have had to work so hard for so long, inching my way to my goal. This endurance that I am learning will one day have it's full effect. One day I will be mature and complete, lacking in nothing, and it will be because of the Active Patience the Lord created in me during this time. Therefore, I will not wish away this challenge. I will not envy those who are progressing faster than I am or have already met their goals. I will rejoice that the Lord has chosen yet another area in my life to refine and change so that I may develop the maturity and become complete in Him.

How truly grateful I am for the Lord's continued work in my life. He never stops transforming my life.