Where should I begin?

Where should I begin?


I don't know where to make a start.

I am confused, nobody to guide or give some kind of help.

 And now, I feel lost. Lost in my own world.

Where should I seek for help?

Nobody seems to care much what lingers in my head.

They tend to push me away, just letting me drown

Where should I begin.

Where? and how?

=(

:(

Today,

 at this point of time,

I don't feel right 

and I feel so scared. 

I wonder why :(

Mirrors

I know I have mentioned about this: There are two things that made me so easily shed my tears off. You and my family. And it's obviously, undeniably true. Even a single little thing, don't even relate to me, I will cry or maybe the least is, my eyes get just watery a bit. It hurts you know when something wanders your heart but you are not able to let out to others as it is about your family. Even worse is, when you can't tell your family about what you've been feeling as you don't want to hurt them or you want to burden them.

One solution now is, let me put a distance a bit from them, because I know, hearing their voice is just enough to make me cry. I don't want them to know. I really don't want them to know. Then, tak balik it is. Stuck here then, it's okayy fit.. you are strong enough for this :')

#np Mirrors- Justin Timberlake

Aren't you somethin' to admire, cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallell on the other side


Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong


Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me


Aren't you somethin', an original, cause it doesn't seem merely assembled
And I can't help but stare cause I see truth somewhere in your eyes
I can't ever change without you, you reflect me, I love that about you
And if I could, I would look at us all the time


Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
Just put your hand on the glass, I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong


Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me


Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you lookin' back at me
Keep your eyes on me
Baby, keep your eyes on me


Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me


You are you are the love of my life


Baby you're the inspiration for this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are


You are you are the love of my life

Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do
You're my reflection and all I see is you
My reflection, in everything I do

You are you are the love of my life

Can I be like that?

I don't know why, today I feel so sad. Ermm not kind of so so sad, it's more of I am disappointed with so many things. Trying to do the best you can in certain things, but it ended up that, you were not being appreciated of what you did, it really hurts you know. You study almost every night, thinking that you want to master the topics, but end up you are being accused for not studying and not doing well in performance. It hurts. You don't know where to turn to. Being in front of all of them, and being scolded with harsh words and was labelled as 'stupid questions you've asked' 'irrelevant questions', 'haphazard history' were not a nice things you know. In fact, before I presented, I did have the aim to impress him, to try to show that I am studying, but ended up I spoiled everything. He didn't satisfy with my performance. He said that I did badly in Psychiatry, I should brush up my Psychiatry, and if only he knew that I spent most of my nights ( every night I shall say) just to open a psychiatry book to study. I rarely have the interest that much actually. Not everybody has the interest in Psychiatry. It hurts me in a way. Tonight, because of that, I don't feel like studying, I don't feel like open a book. I just want to rebel, really want to rebel even only I am the only one knowing that I am rebelling right now. Actually, this was just a small part of many things I am going to face later, I think even worse than this. That's why, I held my tears from falling, eventhough during my way back from hospital to my room, I was really about to burst anytime if anybody provoked me. I held it tight, even in my room all alone, I forced myself not to think about what has happened, and what has hurt me.. Let's just think it on a bright side. Let the mistakes become my good teacher. I will try not to repeat the mistakes and try to improve for the next time. There's always next time right? I promise myself to rewrite what mistakes I've made and I'm going to repeat it again and again. Let this be a lesson to me. I really want to be a very good doctor later, not just a doctor on the name, but a really real doctor who can do work very well, who can be a good listener to the patients. I don't want to be mechanical doctor, I want to be a doctor with a good soul and experience.

On the other hand, the things that made me sad today, hmm, I guess about me going or not going back. Mak keep telling me to just go back even the things about the car is not settled yet, because she said so many things she needs to do; to service the car, to repair the damaged part of car, the damaged paint, to refill the gas for aircond. So many things. I know. But, going back more than one time, oh I can't really afford that even I really wish to do so. It's so expensive to go back you know :( I really don't want to burden them this time, I just want to use my scholarship for my expenses, that's all. I hope everything will be just fine. Just fine.

Good thing for today: I learnt something in usrah today, about Firaun's wife, Asiah. She was very loyal and really have strong faith in Allah till she didn't care to be suffering and died just to protect and keep believing in Allah. She should be a good model to Muslimah. Can we be like her? Can we? Just think and muhasabah. 

About to rain?

Assalamualaikum....

Today, my mood is as gloomy as a sky about to rain. I don't know what things that matter, usually I could resist the sad feeling when he didn't look into my eyes while explaining, but this time, I felt so so sad, I felt useless, I felt like I wasn't even there, at all. Yes, I knew, a long time ago, I have faced this kinda situation, in which I was able to let go off the feeling. I still remembered those times, when my heart was too soft, I was too jealous but I couldn't do anything, I just kept it to myself, couldn't even share with anybody. And thus, I rode my scooter, away from the place I've been, I went to a place where at least, I could cry as loud as I can, nobody even cared.

And now, I've nowhere to run, no one to even share, nobody will understand..

I miss the moment in Manipal so much. So much. I miss the place so much. I miss Maya, and I miss everything, I miss the moment where I could cry on the bike, in which nobody there to know. =(


One other thing: My sister has gone for the kursus, yeah that kursus. And I didn't even know when will my time come, when and how.

Nurul Fitrilina, please be strong.

Don't fall at this moment. A lot more to come later. A lot more.

#np Titanium

End of Long Case Ortho

Today was a long case EOP day. Alhamdulillah, just leave the rest to Him, The Almighty. After this, I have to finish doing my portfolio, two long cases and four short cases. Then, I have to start studying for the mcq and meq.

But before all of that, what I need to do are:

• tidy up my room
• wash my dirty clothes
• keep away my clean clothes
• Badar war, usrah homework

that's all. 

Note: Just so you know, maybe, after this, I will never mention about anything even I really want you to ask me. If you do remember, do ask me, but if you don't, no reminder again like that. I will not blame you, it's not your fault, because it really a small thing, but such a small remembrance about small thing of mine, really please me. :) It kinda hurt actually, when you have to remind somebody to do something so many times, but they always forget, as if they don't care about you. :(. Peace! Smile again! :)

Salam. :)

Logam

Logams. Do I have those? I have searched countless times, but it seems that I don't find any. Not a single thing. *sigh*

They maybe have, but I don't. Or maybe, I don't have the chance to discover that., maybe? 

I know, somewhere, I do have my own logams, but maybe not now, even there are certain things that at 

first, I really thought they are my strengths but they aren't.

 I lose the talent, slowly and slowly and it leaves me unnoticed without warnings.

Goodbye. I would like to close my eyes now, dreaming at my dreamed places, trying to find peace and 

calm, because deep down my heart, it slowly eats my soul away. SLOWLY. 

I used to have them, but not now. I USED TO. 

One word, the secret one.

It takes me half an hour to think,
Why I have the thought, a hurting one,
My mind is trying to positively judge,
But my heart says otherwise,
That one word, that kills us all if it rules
Women, as a matter of fact possess more,
But, so do the men,
I tear a little, a little, a little
Heart gets soft and progressively brittle
'Don't be ridiculous, this is friendship!'
But, still, a minor ache controls my night
From negative pole, forcing it to be the positive one,
Healing is not a tough process, is it?
Internal monologue of own-self questions
Don't worry, it will heal.,
And for that one word, it will not be revealed,
Let me keep it deep in my dull typical heart of mine. :)

Good bye Troy

Troy has left me.

Moga tenang kau di sana. Sorry, because I couldn't be a good owner. :'(

Thanks for accompanying me for these two months more or less.

I will be alone, in the room, no more cute small eyes looking at me while studying, eating, even changing my clothes( perlu ke mention tu?=.=).

I will miss you, and insyaAllah someday, I will find, something like you. :)

I love you, always.

flawless. them not me.

OMG. So bored of studying, about 2 hours I stucked with the thick thick books like Bailey and Love. :(. Yeah, blogging is on of my way to chillax. ;).

Today's topic is nothing but skin. You know what? I am so jealous with those who have very baby-like skin, soft and smooth. Very pretty! :) If I saw one, I was like, "Cantiknyaa lahaaaai orang ni, untung laaa dia.. ". =.-. Well, not everybody knows that actually I have a very senstive skin, very very sensitive I would say. Mak said that, when she was carrying me in her womb, she refused to eat lots of vegetables and fruits because yeah she was diagnosed to have hyperemesis gravidarum( excessive vomiting in pregnancy). She suffered that for about up to 6 months carrying me. Huuu, and she said sorry because of that, my skin isn't that perfect, in a way that it is so sensitive. I didn't blame mak. Hee don't worry.:). I am the eldest, yeah maybe there was exaggeration of morning sickness kot, never mind. :) Speaking about those sensitive skins that I own, even a slight rub maybe due to a mosquito bites, it leaves a mark, quite prominent anyway.. Huaaa, pity me kan? dah la, truth is, mosquitoes love me lot kot! Haihhh everywhere I go, they will tend to attack me first compared to others! Maybe 'darah manis' kot. hahaahha, okay habis dah. ;p. And yet, because of that, I am the winner with multiple mosquito bite marks. Sedih okkkkay tak tipuuuu...I tried so many products and there wasn't any improvement. Maybe a little, but yeah it still looks ugly mugly uggliiiiesssstt okieyhhhhh sobsobbb.. :(..

Even I have a thought to do skin laser to remove all of that, you know, hmm but yeah there are too many complications can be listed because of the laser. Tak cantik pun takpela, at least I am safe from those complications. :). And if one day I am pregnant, I will will will make sure that I eat food fruit and vegetables a lot, and to my future hubby who is reading this, please mark. And remind me in case I forget it. :) If I don't have that soft, perfect, baby-like skin without those mosquito marks, maybe I can make my babies have that. :)

untung lah kulit flawless:(

*p/s: saya memang tak chantik takde kulit yang lawa cun melecun, tapi saya bersyukur saya masih hidup lagi thanks Allah:)

The Story That Touches The Heart:(

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

day 1

"sometimes, it just happened.

feeling like u are all alone and nobody loves you

feeling as if your family abandon u

feeling like as if they don't mind what happen to u

but actually there's someone who always care.

always."

A hard day.

I just finished my medicine clinical end posting exam, not the MCQs and MEQs part yet, with Dr. Lakshmi. She's cool, pretty great and one of the best doctors. But, I screwed up the exams this morning. ::(. I've never 'about to burst' but this time around, it happened. It wasn't a hard case, just a patient came with breathlessness which I correctly pointed out the diagnosis as acute exacerbation of bronchial asthma. But then, still, there were many things that she didn't satisfy. I didn't know why. Maybe I left some findings that I supposed to know. Luckily the patient was cooperative, and answered all my questions very well. Because I kept everything in my heart, just listened to her rising her voice, at the end of the examination, my voice started to slow down and change a bit when I answered her question about investigations. I could answer but because of the voice, it looked all unclear. Then, I tried to convince myself just to hold on and be strong because the exam was about to end already. Be grateful that the patient was cooperative enough, compared to other patients who were usually looked down to medical students. That is it. That's my day today. I wanted to share it with my parents to but I couldn't tell them since I didn't want them to feel pity for me. Maybe I shouldn't blame Dr. Lakshmi for that. Maybe it was my fault too. Be strong fit, be strong. :")

bad day

tick tock tick tock. that is the only sound I listen at this moment. The sound of the wall clock. Sigh. Sigh for no reasons. Yeah, there are too much reasons actually. T_T. unbearable ulcer pain at the inner part of left lower lip. feel like cutting that one away. I hate ulcer, but it keeps on bugging me at least once a month. usually I get ulcers because I am so stubborn to drink lots of water, but now I get the new ulcer because I accidentally bite my lip. I talked less today, kinda. Even when I was in the ward, where I supposed to clerk cases, I couldn't clerk well because it hurts when I talked a lot. So, I prefer to just chilling out and just read the cases from the case files. But, guess what? I managed to draw the blood from the real patient in the blood bank. It was so exciting, even at the very first place, I kinda nervous to perform that. :p..

Then, at the afternoon , I had my PBL session. I've not done well.:(.. Uhhh feel so stupidos. :(

At the evening, my little brother called. He lost his mp3, the one that I gave him before because of his good upsr results. He previously lost his handphone too, which I gave to him too. So dissapointing. Haihhh, little brotha, please be careful next time and please appreciate the one that I gave. I gave it with love, so keep it well.:(..

Then, come the story about ticket going back... to go or not to go? to leave or not to leave? am I able to be alone in the hostel? hmmm..

one thing that always keep me calm:)- At Umbai, Melaka.

Thanks mcd for the treat. looks yummy kan?:D- Umbai-

All in all, not in a good mood today. :( Salam all.