A letter to my (oldest) daughter: One Whole Hand

Miss Gianna -

Today you are five. A whole hand old.

You have told me so many times that you can’t wait to turn five so you can go to school and be in the big girl ballerina class. And I can’t wait for you to do all of those things (in the fall).

But five feels like such a big deal to me – so many adventures are coming your way (and have come your way over the past year) and that just goes along with growing up. And maybe that’s the part that I can’t quite get past, I love watching you grow but it’s hard to see all the “baby” parts of you leave one little piece at a time. Like how you only use your lovie some nights, and you say elephant the right way now.

But I’m not sad that you are growing up – I love to watch you learn and explore, watching the world around you and how you experience it makes me smile bigger than anything else. You are hilarious, always making jokes and doing funny things. You are kind and respectful, always asking how my day was after work and that your sister is okay. You are lovable, with lots of unprompted “I love you, mommy”s and kisses. You are smart, chatty, sassy, strong willed.

You are YOU! And I see such independence and uniqueness in you these days – from the outfits you pick out to the way you play with your toys. The stories you tell me, the games you make up. Your imagination is on fire!

 

 

This year you have really learned what it is all about to be a big sister and you are successfully teaching Aleesia your girly ways. It’s so fun to watch you interact with her, especially now that she walks and talks and gets into your toys.

You played soccer this year, you are doing great in dance, and you are finally catching on to swimming. Some of your favorite things right now are playing with Barbies, playing waitress or cash register, crafts, dress up, dressing up your dolls and pets, being outside, and anything related to FROZEN!

We went to the beach with friends this summer and it was an unforgettable time. Time away from our normal life is so needed sometimes to just catch up and relax together.

You have learned to write your name and are working on your letters and numbers. You are a wonderful artist, always wanting to do crafts and make masterpieces. And you are learning about faith and about God. This is something that we are working on together, whether you know it or not, and spending time with you at church and helping you to understand what is being said is wonderful. The simplicity with which you accept the world around you is admirable, and I hope you can retain that as you grow up because sometimes the answer really is just as simple as it seems.

There isn’t always a lot of time that just you and I can spend together, but when we find that time we both hold on to it for as long as possible. Our relationship keeps growing stronger and stronger and each day I am reminded just how lucky I am that you are mine.

Gianna, five is going to be so wonderful. We are going to tackle the next adventures in your life together, some things might be hard but like always we are going to work through them together because we are a team. I can’t wait to hear your little laugh and watch life as a five year old unfold through those blue eyes of yours.

I love you more my little bug,

Mommy

Birthday Eve Eve

I have had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that my baby is turning five. FIVE.

ONE WHOLE HAND.

I don’t even know, can’t even begin to put into words, how this happened so quickly.

Yet it wasn’t quick at all.

I remember snuggling that girl up in the hospital, waiting for someone to come in and tell me I was done babysitting or something. And then crying because she was MINE! Mine to snuggle for as long as I wanted.

It has been five years. Five of the hardest, most awesome years of my entire life.

And I still get to snuggle her as much as I want (although, she will tell you it isn’t always for as long as SHE wants at bedtime). But tonight, I snuggled her until she was asleep and she laid with me almost just like she did as a baby. Except you know, with arms and legs about 500x as long. But she always finds her same sweet spot right at my collar bone. The spot she was made to fit in for those snuggles.

I am normally pretty cry-y and sentimental-y but woah have I been a crying, blubbering, sentimental mess the past few days and I know it’s only going to get worse.  And it hit me that today is her birthday eve-eve. I will put her to bed as a four year old for the last time tomorrow night.

An awesome twitter friend put it best when she said five is hard for mom’s because all of their babyness is gone. We just registered her and had her kindergarten assessment this week (WHY did they schedule that on her birthday week!?). She is hilarious. And independent. And helpful. And sassy. And sweet. And she is not a baby anymore. She is a big kid. (and she will gladly tell you that all day long!)

But she will always be my baby. And as I contemplate on just how I am going to remain composed over the next few days (and how in the world I am ever going to finish her birthday letter!) I will remind myself of all the AWESOME things this big kid is going to do in the next five years (and beyond, of course!). And we are going to have a seriously fun time celebrating her this weekend.

Because according to Gianna, five year olds are the coolest since they can chew gum.

Happy Unbirthday

Gianna is SIX months old.
Hello, where did time go? Did I not just birth her yesterday? Are you sure?
WELLL this is what is up with my BIG GIRL!

• She sits up on her own for about 30ish seconds at a time (sometimes longer)
• There is one sharp tooth trying to make its way out
• She responds to her name most of the time
• If there is a mirror around - she will find it and smile really big
• If there is something she wants, she finds a way to get it - usually by rolling across the living room or scooting backwards
• Has eaten: peas, pears, squash, sweet potatoes, applesauce & bananas - likes them all.
• Still refluxy/pukey but she's on good drugs to keep the pain away
• Likes to "talk" to us. Is ADORABLE.
• For sure knows her mom and dad which is AWESOME!!

I can't imagine life without her and those blue eyes. Husband and I get a kick out of everything she does, which is something new every day. She's a pretty cool girl, I think we'll keep her.

Monday is her 6m appt & her GI f/u appt - will update you with her stats.

a letter to my daughter: part 2

Dear Gianna,

You have finally made it into this world, and it was the most amazing, surreal experience I have ever had.
All that I was afraid of and worried about - none of it mattered once they told me you would be here soon. I focused on you - seeing your face, hands, feet. We had some scary times waiting on you - but you are a strong girl and pulled through perfectly [and the nurses/doctors were incredible]
Your dad, aunts and grandma were the best coaches I could have asked for and being able to experience such an important, incredible thing with all of them is something that I will never forget.

Your dad was perfect. I fell in love with him a thousand times over that day, and everyday since you have been here. He loves you so much that you can feel it and see it all over his face. It is amazing that the two of us, through our love and commitment to each other, have created you - our perfect, beautiful daughter.

You have been surrounded by people who love you since before you were brought into this world. So many visitors have come to meet you - and love you - you have been the center of everyone's attention. It amazes me how much one little life can touch so many people.

You are very much the biggest part of our life, the biggest blessing we could have asked for. There are a million things we are anxious to experience with you - but for right now we are enjoying every second because we know you will be grown up soon enough.
You have so much to look forward to in life.

Love you so very much,
Mom

a letter to my daughter

Dear G:

My letters to you started out 'dear baby', then 'dear baby girl' and now you have a name that we love and call you by every day.
You aren't here yet but you have already given us so much joy and happiness it is amazing. I wil never forget the day we found out you were growing in there - after months of trying we finally succeeded in creating a life. Your life.
Your dad and I can not wait for you to arrive so we can see that little dancer who is always making my stomach move so much, and to tickle those little feet that are always trying to stretch out.
We can't wait to see how blue your eyes will be, who's nose and lips you have, if you will lots of hair like I think you do, how long you are (I think you are very tall like your dad) and everything else about you.
So many other people besides your dad and I are anxiously awaiting your arrival - your grandma and grandpa miller, your aunts (and uncle), your other grandparents & family members and all of your "aunts and uncles" that are mom and dad's friends. You are going to have so many people to spoil you rotten and to love you forever.
We have everything ready for you - a beautiful room for you to sleep in, a safe car seat to take you places, a nice stroller to show you off around town and at the park and a wardrobe that any other baby would be jealous of - not to mention your growing shoe collection.
I am sure one day I will miss you being on the inside, protected and safe, where I can read to you easily and dad can share his favorite music with you.
There are a million things we can't wait to teach you, to show you, to learn from you. So many things that I can't put them all on paper.
But we love you. We can't wait to meet you.

See you soon!
Love
Mom

Lessons Learned

so, since I am almost done being pregnant [at least I hope so....] I wanted to recap what I have learned so far.....

• the tiredness that I have experienced the past 9 months is really surprising. It is an incredibe accomplishment for me to stay up past 9p
• I always said I would be one of those women who worked out and all that jazz while pregnant still - but due to the extreme tiredness and general laziness that has developed - this went down the tubes at about 12 weeks. I know I will pay for it.
• stretch marks. no avoiding them despite all the magic potions i have tried. and the bigger I get the more they show up.
• baby kicks can hurt a lot more than I ever expected. and I love to feel them even more than I thought I would.
• little tiny baby things are fascinating. like little sunglasses and especiallylittle shoes.
• I am not good at being pregnant - even though everything has gone smoothly - I don't really like it. I am looking forward o having my body back, or at least kind of back.
• I feel clueless. I read a lot of books. I know that none of it will matter when she gets here.
• My brain disappeared months ago - I make some of the strangest mistakes and I say a lot of really random things.
• I don't think I have ever fully thought about how she will get outside of my uterus. and I don't plan to think about it, because then I will get scared.
• the attention being pregnant brings still amazes me, whether I want it or not. I am at the point now that people look at me very wide-eyed as if I am going to drop this kid out right this second. I just smile.... and fake a contraction.... ;)
• my hair also does not like being pregnant. and neither does my skin.
• do not force swollen feet into shoes. it just makes them hurt and even more swollen.

I know I haven't shown a picture lately - probably because I look like a bum in every single picture we have taken lately considering none of my clothes fit apprpriatly!

I had an OB appointment today, making slightly more progress, baby is way way down which is wonderful (well except when I walk.. or sit... but whatever). The latest he will let me go is 1 week over, I do not want an induction, but I want a baby! I will just hang tough for as long as it takes her to come on out - but I will not do it quietly! I am workng all of next week too....

**stay tunes for Lessons Learned part deux once she gets here....

14 days

and impatiently counting......

still here.
still pregnant.
still sick too....

I am actually feeling better than I was last week - but not 100%.

In baby news - we are making slow progress, but i'll take any progress. I have been having contractions off and on for a few days - they are getting stronger but not necessarily closer together. today I told mike (after having about 2 hours of 3-10min apart contractions) that I refused to call the doctor until I was sure something productive was going on because I am not going to L&D and leaving w/o this little girl! So - I am going to continue to monitor myself as best I can [I honestly don't know what I am supposed to feel, how long they are supposed to last blah blah blah - sure I know the "guidelines" but that's really giving me no reassurance.] and hope that this light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter quickly!

In other news - working from home last week was a success as far as I am concerned there are some major kinks to be worked out - but hey have to do with the other end of things and not me. I get my work done so much quicker which is awesome, and will be very nice when I have this little girl to look after. I will be doing this a few days this week I think so that is good with me - I am quickly running out of clothes - especially work appropriate clothes. Do you think they will let me wear gym shorts and hoodies next week?!

illegal

I woke up Sunday morning feeling a little under the weather - i thought it was from the long weekend.
I went to bed Sunday night feeling like complete shit.
I woke up* Monday morning feeling worse than that.
And today - I feel like it is not possible for anymore stuff to come out of my nose.

It should be illegal to be 37w4d pregnant and have a cold. Seriously.

Do you think anyone would notice if I crawled under my desk and went to sleep for a few hours?

Tomorrow is a work from home day and I am freaking ecstatic! I don't have to worry about what shirt will cover this big ol' belly and I can maybe relax for half a second.

On the upside, we got the rest of our maternity pictures yesterday - they are awesome! If you want to see the whole slide show leave me a comment w/ your email and I'll send it to you.

*I use the phrase "woke up" loosely, I barely slept.

I (we) made it

remember a few days ago I was talking about being in a wedding this weekend and looking like a big blue balloon?

The groom assured me that I did not in fact look like a balloon..... although i did feel like one by the end of the night, what with the humongous feet/cankle combo I was sporting. Everyone - including myself - was quite impressed that I made it through the day! This little one however did not like the dancing so much and she made that pretty obvious..... I told her it was my way of telling her it's time to come out!

I love weddings, every time I go to one and listen the bride and groom exchange their vows it makes me think of our wedding and how I could focus on nothing else but my almost husband getting chocked up on his vows and the excitement I had over becoming his wife that very minute, I could live in that moment forever it seems. I hope that everyone feels that way on their wedding day and for all the years after.

Everything yesterday was really nice, everyone looked great and all went smoothly - what every bride wishes for! Now they can enjoy their awesome 2 week honeymoon. no fair!

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Baby girl has been quite the stinker these days - and the end of this pregnancy has been very unfun. We all know how much I love being pregnant anyway..... but this week has been especially trying. I am too much of a planner to be able to go w/ the punches here - I want to know what exactly things will feel like, when exactly they will happen etc. - and I know that is impossible but it doesn't make me any more comfortable with the whole deal.

We are ready to meet her, I am ready to wear my shoes and my wedding rings again, and the fact that they told me this week she could come anytime she wants makes me even more anxious.

moving forward

So remember a few months ago when I was talking about my future as it relates to school and all that jazz?

I made a few decisions around that time and one of them was to apply for a program to complete my Masters of Public Health degree. Ironically this was something while in medical school I always said I had no interest in, but the more I looked into what I can actually do with that degree, the more I thought this was a great path for me - I can interact with patients on a very real basis while making a difference on a very large scale in the community. I can work a regular schedule. Perfect balance for me. I found out this weekend that I got accepted into the program and I have to tell you, I am very excited to get started! It will be a great opportunity for professional growth. It will be a ridiculously busy time - school, work, baby..... but I am confident everything will be perfect in the end and so worth it.

There is also an official plan in place for me to work from home. We will be doing a "trial" run here in the next week or so to work out some of the kinks. It will be nice to have something else to focus on while I am home - I clearly like to stay busy! I also know that it will be a very busy time, but thankfully the people i work for and with are incredibly understanding and I will be able to start working when I am ready. Things are going very well - finally!

-----------------------

I also feel that this baby could come annnnyyyday now and I would be completely good with that! The uncomfortable-ness of this last trimester is starting to get the better of me. Between my uncontrallable swelling [thankfully that is all that is going on, no preeclampsia or anything], the back pain and pelvic pressure that just started are more than a little annoying and i just want to sleep again! BUT enough bitching..... this little princess is totally worth it. I think I am just getting so excited for her to be here and to meet her!
aaahhhh soon little girl you will be here.......

beautiful

We did our maternity pictures yesterday --- it was really a lot of fun and Felicia was awesome to work with.
click on the link up there to check them out! talk about a fast blogger!!

we can't wait for her to take baby girl's pictures once she arrives!

my husband rocks

so i have been a slacker with doing my husband rocks fridays - not b/c he doesn't rock - but b/c i have been busy. and lazy.

that being said let me tell you a little something:

he has been going to school since january. working. listening to me whine almost everyday, lacrosse started a few weeks ago and he is the only coach this year w/ a team full of brand new players oh and he is going to be a daddy very very soon.
because he can do all of these things and still find the time to make sure I (we) are doing ok and have what we need - that is why he rocks. that is why he is my rock [even if he is a little overwhelmed and grumpy at times]

and the excitement he has over his daughter coming into the world makes my melt every time i hear him talk about her. and my heart grows a few sizes each time too.

you will never make it

if i hear this statement one more time i am going to go into labor immediatly!

or this one
"do you think you'll make it until you're due date? i don't..."

oh good, i didn't know you were a psychic - can you give me the winning lottery numbers too?

i would show off to all of you internets my big whale of a belly - but i don't want to scare you*

this little girl is due in LESS than 1 month. I will officially be 36wks on Saturday - you know what that means don't you? I will be NINE months pregnant. That is very hard for me to believe. In weeks I will have a baby. I will be someone's MOTHER! Now you are really scared aren't you?!!

Oh, and for the record, I am totally over being pregnant.
It is official, I do not like it. I do not like it sam i am....
I am greatful to be pregnant and to be having a baby. But pregnancy really isn't my thing, I do not think I will be repeating it 17 more times a'la Michelle Duggar style.
We will have more kids - and I will hate being pregnant then too.
But it is in fact a means to an end. Sometimes I feel bad bitching about it considering the vast majority of my friends have had to deal with infertility, but I can not tell a lie. **

One more thing - Have I told you that I am in a wedding next weekend? I am wearing a blue dress, a blue dress that would be perfectly lovely if I wasn't 9 months pregnant. It doesn't do much for my current figure. I actually kind of look like a balloon in it..... A balloon with fat lets anchoring it to the ground..... Maybe it will be better when my hair is done?
The wedding should be fun though, and it's 2 days before our anniversary, so at least we will get to be around people!
Speaking of anniversary - what do you do for year 2? anything special?

*ok really i am lazy. we have our maternity pics saturday, i am sure felicia will have a blog post up soon after to show off, will keep you posted
**ok i can, but i shouldn't. mom's don't lie do they?!

getting closer....

I was just peaking at my ticker -- only a little over a month to go. Wow. I feel like i JUST found out this little girl was going to be part of our family. It's hard to believe that just as quickly she will be here, in my arms, melting hearts all over the place.......

Typically I cry over lots of stuff - b/c well I think it's genetic - but lately I have been a MESS! Just now, typing this I am crying - tears of extreme happiness - but still. There is a song by Carrie Underwood - American Girl - I cannot listen to it b/c it reminds me exactly of my life at this moment and how perfect things are. But of course I listen to it anyway and just bawl my eyes out in the car.....

Anywho....

As it gets closer to birth day, I find myself constantly wondering what she will be like, who she will look like, how it will feel to have her here, how life will change..... and a zillion other things. I am starting to get impatient now!

We have our last baby shower today which should be nice. The stroller and carrier are hanging out in our living room so I can practice using them! [no seriously, I do] Her room is almost all the way ready - just a few little things to finish up and a million to put away.

Just trying to enjoy the time with just the two of us for the next few weeks.......

baby baby baby

Our first shower was this past weekend - it was great! I loved being able to share is such an exciting time with the whole family and all of our friends. I don't have a good picture of everything - but it all looked great and our waffle bar/brunch went over so great! We were blessed with so many wonderful things and the most adorable clothes for our little girl!!

my wonderful sisters!

all the aunts

megan and i

me and my favorite almost-two-year-old

my mama
kara and lauren, two of my oldest most wonderful friends!

the best friends a girl could ask for

who made me the best gift ever - a shoe rack for baby girl, filled w/ shoes!!!

Gordon and his little helper
so, thank you everyone from the bottom of our hearts, for everything!

i just want you to know

that my lunch today consisted of: a vanilla milkshake, fries and a zantac.

not to be out done by yesterday's: a can of fruit cocktail and buttered noodles [and tums]

and saturday's dinner: cheesey bread and tums

damn i'm on a roll.

**will post baby shower updates and pictures later!!**

zapped

this week I have felt totally drained. Sure, work has been crazy (oh and i got my raise!! AND the go ahead to work from home while on maternity leave - double yes!!) and life is moving full speed ahead, but I mean dang! I come home from work thinking about all the things I want to accomplish and just collapse instead. And stare at my ridiculously swollen feet. And wine b/c I am hungry but the raging fire in my esophagus makes nothing sound appealing. except bananas and applesauce.

I have seen my husband for a total of, oh 2 hours, maybe, since sunday. Lacrosse season started this week and they have a late practice - which means I am asleep by the time he gets home. He is asleep when I leave for work. I miss him already.

My brain is totally zapped too. I feel like I am barely functioning some times - like not one more coherent thought will make it out. and I have to start training someone to take over for me while I am gone at work starting monday - that should be interesting on many levels.

Tonight I was taking a shower and just stood there under the water thinking I just wished I could make myself take a bath b/c that would probably be relaxing. but i can't do it. I can't sit in my own dirt and soak.... I know I could shower first but gah so much work there. I have slowly been cutting back the amount of times I shave my legs b/c well, I am not a damn acrobat. Sorry honey.

Baby girl is getting excited for her shower on Saturday (ok, mommy is excited) and looking forward to seeing everyone. She also makes her presence very much known pretty much all day long sometimes painfully known. I really am starting to get very excited to meet her. Not at all prepared, but definatly getting more excited.

Q&A - ish

So, in my 33wks of pregnancy so far I have been collecting in my head all of the random questions people ask - and all of the answers I wish I could say outloud.




Q: Oh are you pregnant?
A: nope, i just drink a keg of beer a night and eat greasy greasy food - strategically placing all of the fat on my abdomen like this....


Q: What are you having?
A: a litter of kittens. a baby you idiot what the hell?


Q: What are you naming the baby?
A: Hey You. ya, just for our convience in getting her attention later in life. If I didn't offer you here name, I don't want to tell you.


Q: Are you delivering naturally?
A: Do I have sucker written on my forehead?

Q: Was the baby planned?
A: Ya, and do you know that I also plan on punching you in the face for being so damn rude?
Q: Oh wow! How long did you try?
A: We had sex every day for 8 months, and twice on good days. But the real question is, how long did it take you to grow the balls to ask me that?


Q: Are you breastfeeding?
A: I haven't decided.
Q: OMG - WHY NOT you terrible terrible mother?
A: Well you know, so I can have my ass reamed out by the breastfeeding mothers of america club. Why else?


Q: How do you feel about vaccines?
A: I feel like if they weren't necesary they wouldn't have been invented. How do you feel about your children getting lifethreatening illness b/c you are a stubborn ass?


Q: Can I touch your stomach?
A: Ten dollars please......

Q: Can I feel the baby move?
A: Can I put my hand on your stomach and wait for some gas bubbles to pop up?

I will do what is best for this little girl AND her mother - and if it means she needs to sleep in her crib and be given formula, then yes, that is what I am going to do. You know what they say right? If I'm not happy everyone else will suffer.....

scattered and fragile

You know when you so much on your mind that you can't quite figure out how to get it all out of there?
I am having that problem.
It's mostly all unrelated stuff that is happening at the same time.
And my brain - well - baby girl has apparently outgrown my stomach and is also taking up space in the brain too!

so excuse me world, if i have been a little off lately. and please be gentle, i am also fragile.

example of my fragile-ness: we were trying to pick a song for my sister's wedding, I cried like a baby at oh, every song, that we listened too. [now, i am normally pretty sappy, but that is extreme even for me] I have to give a speech at her wedding - I can't write it b/c everytime I start to even think about it [like now....] I cry. Industrial size box of kleenex needed right.here.

example of my scatterbrain-ness: I have been working on getting a raise. My boss was out of town for like a week or so and he just came back monday. So, at the most complete wrong time, I asked him if anyone had talked to him about it. I would never normally just blurt something like that out - at least not in a public area! I am typically more of the email question-asker. Immediatly wished I was more flexible so I could shove my foot in my mouth. [luckily it went ok, still no raise yet though that I know of....but I did get a $50 gift card for doing an awesome job last month]


And as a side note -- my stomach= gone. squished to the size of a pea. my appetite? growing. what do you think this situation is doing for my mental status?!! yes it's a wonderful place to be.....

let the madness begin

this weekend is the start of my crazy crazy schedule that continues, oh, until baby girl gets here.

Last night was a fabulous night out with the girls to celebrate my twin sisters wedding next weekend. We had a great dinner at a hibachi resteraunt followed by this hot pregnant mama getting hit on by a few guys at the bar.... i know i know, i am good! lol
today was just busy running around and getting the house cleaned up.
tomorrow is a wedding shower for my friend's wedding that i am in next month. stay tuned for the rest of the crazieness to come the next 2 months and pictures of course!

In the meantime, I need to get our taxes finished which is a true nightmare (oh how i wish it were cut and dry!) and get a few other important things situated. There is so much to be done before this wonderful little girl gets here - but I am confident it will happen, I work well on a timeline.

So, I need some advice. What do I need to know before this baby gets here? What do I HAVE to have in order to survive after her arrival? The husband and I have really been enjoying "our" time together, especially this week, and we are really trying to cherish the time that it is just the two of us as much as we can. The more excited he gets and the more he talks about becoming a dad the more excited I get. I know we will both be fine but I hate being unprepared!

Speaking of wonderful little girls coming into the world - Jen had her baby girl today!! What a perfect day to welcome a much wanted and much loved child into the world.