7 Years

Every year we toast to Bryant with a glass of grape kool-aid.  (We don't drink alcohol so we go for one of his favorite non-alcoholic beverages)

I really wanted to post this entry yesterday, on the actual anniversary, but my emotions got the best of me.  Whenever I think about how I want to remember this date (April 28th), I always feel a bit selfish because I want to talk about how this event changed MY life.  I feel guilty because it shouldn't be about me but about the families that it happened to.  Trust me, that is always on the forefront of mind but it is always tied into my own emotions and personal growth.

I decided after lots of pondering that I would talk about how it changed me and why it is so important to me to remember.  Why does it still hit me to the core of my soul and make me want to cry?

I never would have imagined 7 years ago that I would be in a situation where I would be so close to someone who was living my worst nightmare.  Yes, this is every Military wife's worst nightmare.  We spend so much of our time preparing for the what if's but we never believe it will happen to us or anyone that we know.  We read the names and some of us take a little more time to find out a little more so that  you feel like you are truly honoring the fallen.  At least, that's what I did and still continue to do.  I truly believe that every Fallen Military Member deserves to be more than a name in a news article.  Kevin used to ask me why I did that to myself.  He would often find me crying over the loss of people I didn't even know.

Before the 28th, this crazy war and the ugly parts of it were coming forth in reality for me.  Our Squadron was taking hits.  Until the 28th though, it was all injuries and while many were severe and life changing, I was grateful that they were alive and I still continued to live in what I called "the bubble."

A week before SFC Bryant Herlem and SGT Jose Gomez were killed, some Soldiers in our Squadron were severely burned in an RPG attack on their Bradley Vehicle.  One of the Soldiers belonged to our unit and the others were in one of the other companies in our Squadron.  That rocked my boat a bit and shook me up.  One of the Soldiers involved in that incident eventually passed away from his injuries (God Bless You, Brandon Teeters).  The families in our unit were beginning to get a bit nervous as there had been another incident in the beginning of April that had resulted in a Soldier (someone I admire greatly and truly consider a hero) losing both his legs.  We still believed though that while we might have injuries, as devastating as they were, we could get through this deployment without any deaths.  We wanted to believe that.

April 28th started out like a normal day for me.  I got the kids up and off to school, I went and visited with some of the women in my church and I was having lunch with one of my really great friends when I received a call on my cell phone.  I recognized the number but couldn't really place it.  When I answered, the person asked for me and then identified themselves as SFC "B", Mrs. H's, casualty notification officer.  I swear that at that moment the world fell out from underneath me.  I recall my friend asking me what was wrong.  The Sergeant told me that my presence had been requested and could I come.  I replied with a yes and said I'd be there as soon as I could.  I left the baby I was babysitting with my friend, called my boy's school to let them know someone would be picking them up and then I started driving.  Here's the crazy part, I had no idea where I was going.  I had never been to LH's house...ever.  Until that day we were acquaintances.  She was one of my points of contact in my FRG and we had had lunch and chatted on the phone but hadn't really hung out.  Kevin and her husband knew each other as they worked with each other everyday and were friends, but her and I weren't (though I don't doubt that we would have become friends anyway!).

I called my Rear Detachment Commander to ask for directions on how to get to her house while I was driving.  He played it cool (something I will always respect him for) when I initially called because the notification for the other family had yet to be made.  In fact, he had not even received word that LH had been notified as it had happened only 10 minutes before.  When I relayed to him the call that I had received, he helped to direct me to her house and I arrived just under 15 minutes after she had been notified.

I walked into her house, walked straight past the notification officer and chaplain, grabbed her head and kissed her forehead.  I am not usually a touchy-feely person but upon reflection of that day I realized I wanted her to know that I was committed.

Here's what I realize about the events of that day.  I KNOW that I was supposed to be there for my dear friend.  There are no coincidences in life.  I never hesitated, I just went...no questions asked.  I have often analyzed that...analyzed...never questioned.  I know I was meant to be her support.

I also know that I was meant to learn and grow from this experience.  And I have.  I learned that I had to appreciate every moment.  I learned I had to create memories.  I learned I had to love with my whole heart and take chances.  I learned that I had to put my marriage and family first.  I learned that life is too short to put up with crap.  I was told that I was intense before, but this pushed me to a whole new level of intensity because now it was mixed with a deep passion to live my life in a way that would honor those who had sacrificed their lives for me.  Maybe not personally, but I would never again take advantage of their sacrifice.

I always thought that I was patriotic but this pushed me to a whole new level.  I feel my love for my country and those who defend her so deeply.  I try to live my life in a way that honors all who serve and especially those who have fallen. 

I also learned that I have a role in never forgetting those who sacrificed and paid the price for my freedom.  They cannot be forgotten if we remember and share who they are.  I carry that responsibility in my heart and I try to fulfill it with my actions.

I wear a bracelet everyday with Bryant and Jose's names on it.  There are times when I think it might be time to put it in the jewelry box but it never feels right.  I don't know if and when I will ever take it off but I know the time is not right now.  It is one of the most important pieces of jewelry I own and I wear it proudly because each time someone asks me what it's for, it helps me to keep my promise of carrying out the legacy of these two Soldiers who were taken away from us too soon.

Seven years ago my world shifted...not in the same manner as it did for the Herlem or Gomez families and I will never say that my journey is even similar.  I am honored that the Lord saw fit to send me to someone who would end up being one of my best friends.  I feel blessed that He trusted me with one of his children who would need love, support and commitment and I can honestly say, seven years later, that it has been worth every step of the journey. 

I can't change the events of April 28th, 2006 but as a result of them, I am a changed person.

TDT #35 - Feeling Beautiful

A few weeks ago, I used a gift certificate I had purchased from a friend's daughter for a mini-makeover.  When I initially bought it, I didn't really think about going in and getting pampered a bit then having pictures done, I really just wanted to support my friend.  The salon doing the makeup and hair for the photo shoot is where I get my hair done and when I was last getting my highlights redone, I remembered my gift certificate and decided I better use it before it expired.

I had no real expectation going in to my appointment.  I had thought about trying to use the opportunity for a time when I could go somewhere I needed to be dressed up for but I didn't see that occasion anywhere in my immediate future so I just scheduled an appointment and decided it would be nice to get a few solo shots of myself that Kevin could have.  I rarely get professional pictures of just me...in fact, I don't even remember the last time I had any taken.

The mini-makover included a before and after shot.  I was told to come in as natural as can be, nothing really done to my hair.  Well, unless I blow dry and straighten my hair a bit, it looks crazy as you can see in the before picture.  But I guess the intent of these types of shoots is to show the transformation and you can clearly see that there was one.

 

My regular stylist did my hair and I really loved it.  I wish I was coordinated to do it myself, but I'm good to just be able to straighten my  hair and have it look decent most days, HA!

I'm not sure I enjoyed the make up part of the process as I don't typically wear a lot of make-up.  It is fun though, having someone else do the work for you.  I wanted to keep a natural look and overall I was happy.  I think next time, I will ask for less eye shadow as that just seemed too much.

Anyway, the point of this post really has nothing to do with those aspects of this adventure.  It had to do with the photographer and her ability to boost my confidence.  Now, I have a lot of confidence in most areas of my life, but like a lot of people, I have my insecurities.  Most of my insecurities lie in my perception of my physical body.  I have walked a lot of miles since Kevin left to Korea and I have lost very little weight.  I have watched what I eat and feel like I have had little results.  It is frustrating.  Most days I look at myself in the mirror and like what I see because I try to see my true beauty but some days I'm disappointed and frustrated at what looks back at me.

 

April really did something for me that few people outside my closest friend's can do.  She reminded me of my self-worth.  In the short amount of time that we took these few pictures, she commented at my beauty.  Repeatedly she mentioned that I was beautiful and she thanked me for allowing her to capture that.  She brought out the knowledge I already have that I am beautiful.  So simple and yet so profound for me.  I looked forward to seeing the pictures and when I received them,  I was very pleased.

I love these pictures but not necessarily because she did a great job in shooting them, editing them and creating a great product but because of the moments she allowed me to see who I truly am, inside and out.

Sometimes we need a reminder of who we are.  I'm grateful for these tangible reminders.

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Peaceful Contemplation

Life is Beautiful (picture taken by my sweet friend Kristi and edited by me)

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt angry.  We had received some news on Thursday evening that kind of shifted our focus for a bit.  It's the kind of news that sort of affects us but not really.  I know that doesn't make a lot of sense but it isn't our news and in the big scheme of things we are okay and will be okay.

As I have mentioned before, I am a deep processor, I like to really analyze things.  When I woke up yesterday morning feeling out of sorts emotionally, I started breaking things down.  I normally do not enjoy the beginning of this process because it makes me really sensitive emotionally and usually sparks tears and some heartache.  Now, neither of those things are a bad thing.  A lot of times, the emotions sparked are great reminders to me of how truly blessed I am.  On the opposite end, it also allows me to see things with much more clarity and forces me to make decisions that I may have pushed to the side.

As I was contemplating my life and the many things in it, I realize I have outgrown some people in my life.  I realize that I have a lot of toxic relationships in my life.  Some of those I have held onto simply because it seemed safe and others because I don't want to deal with the drama that might come if I sever ties.  It's an interesting place to be. 

I have a very close and sweet friend who I am constantly advising to cut ties with people who bring nothing to her life.  I always tell her to ask herself if she would be friends with these people outside a certain demographic they share.  What I realized yesterday is that I really need to take my own advice.  I also got some good stuff from watching The Real Housewives of Orange County (hey, don't judge me, HA!) when crazy Alexis told her husband that you can still be friends with someone even if you don't get along with all of their friends.  That is so true.

This past week I also had an interesting encounter with somebody.  They told me straight to my face that they did not like me.  I'm guessing she was expecting some type of dramatic reaction but since I don't really care for her either and had decided long ago that she was a non-factor in my life, I just didn't care.  It led to a very interesting conversation between her and I, the end result being that none of her opinions really matter to me.  She is the type of person who is very toxic and brings people down, she takes it wherever she goes and who needs that in their life? I hope she feels better about confronting me and that she can move forward now.  The encounter did nothing for me.

Last, I have an amazing family!  I KNOW I am truly blessed with good kids and a loving husband.  Kevin and I work hard to instill good morals and values into the boys.  We talk a lot with the boys about life.  We are not friends with our kids and we have high expectations.  We are disappointed often, that's the process of parenthood.  We try to take each obstacle and use it as a teaching point with them.  We get complimented often on our boys and their behavior.  That is NOT an accident, that is a lifetime of hard work and effort!

Why do I bring this last part up?  I had someone tell me recently that they are sick of my "perfect" life and overly positive FB statuses where all I talk about is all the good things my boys do.  They told me that my kids weren't perfect and I should post that part too.  I chuckled at that.  First, I'm turned off by people who constantly berate their children in FB statuses.  Second, I don't see the point of spreading negativity.  That might work for others, but it's not me.  My children make plenty of mistakes, but public humiliation isn't the route we choose to take, instead we offer love, understanding and face to face interaction.  I vent to close friends who love my kids just as much as we do.  There are many different ways to parent...this is our way.

Last night, as I went to bed, I reflected back on my day and the thoughts that I processed.  Overall, what I decided is that I'm really blessed and I'm right where the Lord wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do.  I feel at peace with my life.

TDT #13 - Proud Veteran

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

Woohoo, we are now past the first dreadful 90 days!

It's close to Veteran's Day and while this might seem more appropriate to be posted on the actual holiday, I feel like posting a little about how I feel on being a Veteran.

I have always been proud of the time I served in the Army.  I have never hidden it, but I will say that for a good majority of the time since I got out of the Military, I have felt awkward calling myself a Veteran.  Some of it had to do with the fact that I didn't feel "old enough" to dub myself a Veteran and many times I haven't felt like I did anything spectacular while serving.  I also admit that my self-esteem hasn't been the best when it comes to saying, yes I served in the Army given my current physical condition.

Recently I've had the opportunity to sit and chat with Soldiers in different environments and it's always interesting that even when I don't tell them that I served in the Military, they figure it out and it creates this unique, yet wonderful bond.  It's quite a compliment to me.  I have mentioned that I love the volunteer work I do which involves mostly the family side of the Military, but there is something I love even more about training and talking with Soldiers.

It's no secret that my decision to get out of the Army was a difficult one, however to this day, I still know that it was the right one.  I miss wearing the uniform, I miss the bonds you make with your battle buddies and I just miss being on that side of the Army in general.  I'm grateful however, for the moments when I can connect with a Soldier on the common ground of "getting it" as the Soldier I spoke to the other night said.  He told me it was cool that he could chat with me and I understood where he was coming from.

I feel truly blessed that my time in the Army was a positive one and that it gave me experiences that help me now in my volunteer life and my life in general.  I have never regretted serving in the Army.  I am proud to call myself a Veteran and proud to be one of the less than 1% who was willing to serve our nation..

The best experience I had in the Army was meeting my husband.  If I had never joined the Army, I would never have ended up at Fort Campbell, KY and I would likely have never met a boy from North Dakota who would end up being my husband.  The Army was good to me in more ways then one and I will forever be grateful.

Daniel sat down last night, looked a picture on his computer and commenced to draw this picture for all who serve and have served.  I love my little patriot!

Thank You Eleanor Roosevelt!

This morning I had the opportunity to conduct a class for a group of Drill Sergeants, their Commander and their First Sergeant.  When training Soldiers you never know what is in store for you.  Sometimes it's rough, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's great and sometimes it's amazing.  Today was AMAZING, for me at least.  I love teaching Soldiers and their Families.  While I enjoy empowering Military Families, there is something about training Soldiers that really makes me happy.  I taught a class on enhancing personal relationships.  Now I never know how I am going to be received for annual mandated trainings.  Sometimes it's met with frustration, sometimes it's met with disinterest and sometimes they are just there but not engaged.
I was met by the 1SG who remembered I was coming (a lot of times they forget!).  All of the Drill Sergeants were very friendly.  When one asked when I would be finished, I was slightly concerned but he just let me know that he might have to leave early.  I opened up my class and had immediate feedback.  I immediately felt at ease and thought to myself that this class would go well.  And it did!  I got responses from every single person in the room.  We laughed and I got amazing engagement.  I think it helped that I could relate the class to their current environment as Drill Sergeants and that I made my examples relatable to them.  Kevin was a Drill Sergeant and I remember what life was like so I could share my feelings and experiences.  I think it's important to make them feel like whatever you are talking about applies to them.  I try hard to do that and try not to exclude anyone at the same time.  It helped that they were all willing to speak up and share ideas and experiences.

So why am I sharing this with my readers?  Because just a couple weeks ago I was ready to walk away completely from volunteering.  I had allowed people  from inside and outside some of the organizations I volunteer with to cause self-doubt in my abilities to impact others.  That seems crazy doesn't it?  My favorite quote ever is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" by Eleanor Roosevelt.  I try so hard to live my life by that statement.  However, I had failed.  I had allowed people's comments and murmurings to get inside my head and question my strengths and break down my confidence.  I'm not laying blame on those other individuals or situations, I'm saying I allowed it to happen.  I am pretty good at self-evaluating and finding balance in my life.  With Kevin leaving, I admit I was a bit vulnerable and allowed things to get to me that would normally never bother me.  I am a confident person most times.

I shared this a bit in my class this morning, using it as an example for one of the topics we were discussing.  I was surprised by the reaction.  They couldn't believe I had been made to feel that way.  Their reaction really opened my mind and reminded me of WHY I volunteer and WHY I enjoy what I do.  It isn't to make everyone happy.  It's to make me happy and to do what fulfills my life and to do what helps me achieve my personal goals.

I hope I gave those Soldiers something to think about and skills that they can apply in their lives, but what I am most grateful for from this morning's class is what I learned for myself.  That's one of the greatest blessings when it comes to serving others, you often receive more than what you give.

Six Things I Will Do to Survive This Separation

I was thinking yesterday about what I would do to keep myself positive during this separation. I've made a list below of things that I feel will help me keep the right attitude for the next year.

1. Walk daily.  I actually have a goal of walking 6,800 miles in 365 days.  That is the distance between where we live and where my husband will be living. I walked 7, 348 miles in 2005/2006 when Kevin was in Iraq.  It was such a great goal and it helped to keep me focused on what really mattered in a unique way.

I had to buy new shoes for this goal, right?  I don't even like pink but these shoes were on sale and kinda cute!

2.  Make my bed every day.  This probably sounds silly but honestly I hate making my bed.  I hated it as a kid and when I was in the Army and so I rarely make my bed.  Even with feeling that way, I actually like the way my room feels when my bed is made.  It brings a sense of peace.

I'm even making my kids make their beds...they are seriously confused, lol

3.  Write my husband a handwritten letter at least once a week.  I love receiving snail mail and I know my husband does too.  We did really well writing each other during his last deployment to Iraq.  I still love looking through the cards and letters we wrote each other.  There is something special about a tangible display of your affection.

4.  Provide service with my boys to someone at least twice a month.  What better way to forget your own troubles than providing service for others.  It may be a big project or something small like baking cookies or other treats and dropping them off.  (Like last night our Bishop and his sweet wife dropped off cinnamon rolls at our house and it left our family with such an amazing feeling of being loved.)

5.  Pray and read my scriptures daily.  I'm pretty good about my prayers (seriously praying many times throughout the day).  I struggle however reading the scriptures.  I know working on both of these will bring me closer to my  Heavenly Father and will help keep me balanced throughout my day.

6.  Smile.  People say I'm way too serious and intimidating a lot of the time.  I want to stop, smile and focus on the simple things in life.

36

Today is my birthday and while I'm not a big birthday celebrator, I'm not a birthday hater either.  The reality is that every year I get a little older.  I don't fret about my age, it's a number.  I am in charge of my life and how I view it.  I feel rather accomplished in my life and I'm happy to be able to reflect back at my journey and see just how far I've come.  

I hope that the next 36 years are just as rewarding as the past 36!

Drill Sergeant Spouse Seminar

(click to make bigger)

One of the programs I volunteer for is in charge of helping put together the Drill Sergeant Spouse Seminar once a year. I have had the opportunity to facilitate the Army Community Service portion for the past two years. I really enjoy being a part of it because when Kevin was on the trail over 10 years ago, we didn't have anything like it. I remember feeling very alone with three kids under 5 and wondering if anyone felt like I did. I think it's awesome that there is a seminar that gives Drill Sergeants and now AIT Platoon Sergeant Spouses the opportunity to meet, network and have a day all about them. The first day is all in a classroom setting, being briefed on different aspects of the day and the life of a Drill Sergeant and AIT Platoon Sergeant. We had awesome briefings from our Fort Leonard Wood Drill Sergeant of the Year, DS Facio and our Fort Leonard Wood AIT Platoon Sergeant of the Year, SFC Bell. They did an amazing job. We gave a few other classes but what was real key was the opportunity these women had to know that their feelings were valid and that they weren't alone. I love being able to be a part of this.

Day 2 is all about seeing some of the things that their Soldiers would be doing with the trainees. Last year I was invited to attend day 2 but declined because I thought it might be awkward since my husband was not on the trail anymore and hadn't been in like a decade. I was invited again this year and decided what the heck, why not. They didn't have this seminar when Kevin was a Drill Sergeant and it sounded like fun. I'm so glad I went. I had a blast with these ladies. We got to fire weapons, eat a dining facility, tour different barracks and do a team development course. For me, nothing was really new, some things were different but it was nothing new. I thought it might make me think of my life as a Drill Sergeant's wife but what it actually did was take back to when I went through basic training.

I was surprised at the emotions that this experience brought back. It was neat to realize I remembered my days from Basic Rifle Marksmanship (BRM) or what it was like to be on a cattle car. I loved chuckling with a couple other Spouses who had had been Soldiers about the community showers and how you just learn that modesty doesn't exist when you have 5 minutes to shower. There were so many memories that came flooding back. Most made me smile or chuckle at what a knucklehead I was back then. I was really surprised in the DFAC though. Towards the end of our meal, a group of Red Phase Soldiers came in. Red Phase is the first phase and these Soldiers had only been in training for two days. As you can imagine it was still a process of learning what "right" was. The Drill Sergeants were all over them, yelling at them, in their face. I was surprised at the amount of emotion that welled up in my chest. I turned to the girl to the left of me and said "oh man, I don't know why, but I feel like crying!". I turned to my right where the two girls who had served in the Army also were sitting and they WERE crying! After talking to them, we all realized that watching that had taken us back to being that private, trying hard to get it right and feeling like we would always be wrong. It was a very vulnerable time.

I enjoyed going and seeing all the cool things. I did not enjoy the parts when we saw the Drill Sergeants being Drill Sergeants and I realize it's because I remember.

I am grateful that this opportunity is available for Spouses today. I wish it had been around when Kevin was on the trail. I am glad that I went and got to remember my days at Basic Training...I am proud of my time and I am proud of what I accomplished and I am grateful for those memories, the good and not so good.

Vote for me! (I'm so bad at this)

Okay, this is a post that is really hard to write because I am not good at "pimpin' myself out". I applied to be 2012's Household Six and am currently one of the top 3 finalists. I am very honored to be one of the top three and really feel like I have something to offer! I admit to feeling like a complete hypocrite since there are very few things I vote for online. I don't know why I don't like to do it, I just don't. Now I'm here asking people to please vote for me as 2012's Household 6.

I applied for this position in cyber world because I love helping Military Families, most of my volunteer work here at Fort Leonard Wood revolves around serving Military Families and I think this opportunity would help me expand that world wide. HH6 winner will get the opportunity to be a contributing writer and moderator at Army Wife Network. They will also receive a scholarship to become a Family Life Coach and will be able to further assist Army Families. I love helping Military Families and the majority of my volunteer work revolves around that.

If you have some time to spare and want to hear my interview I did for this opportunity this morning, you can click HERE! My interview starts at the 39 minute mark.

So if you feel so inclined, would you please vote for me? Voting started today and runs through November 11th! And share with your friends! Click the button below and scroll halfway down the page for the poll!

Thank You!

Reality Check

This is going to be an open and honest post about myself. I received a serious reality check last night about my body and weight. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I attended the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition taping that they did here locally for the Veterans Day special they will be airing. I even got to go on stage as a Veteran. One of my dear friends snapped lots of pictures of me standing on the stage. When I looked at them today I was HORRIFIED. I know I am overweight and I know that there are parts of my flawed body that certain styles just won't hide. I am absolutely embarrassed at my choice of outfit yesterday. All I can think of is that I have a seriously distorted view of myself. I look fat and gross with big flubby belly and seriously saggy boobs...really, why doesn't my mirror show how seriously flabby I looked yesterday. And now I have a high chance of being on TV being portrayed as a Veteran, I am seriously disgusted with myself.

I admit I am currently at my highest pant size EVER in my life and while I haven't weighed myself, I'm pretty sure I am at my highest weight outside of pregnancy (and maybe even higher than). I know that I do not always look grotesquely obese like the pictures I saw this morning show me to be but I think I really needed that reality check.

I need to do something and change my lifestyle. While I do eat junk food and drink some soda, it's not an everyday thing. I don't even overeat. I know part of my problem is that I don't take in enough calories a day so my body stores them (had a lovely doctor tell me once that if I ate more I wouldn't be as fat..talk about confusing!). I do not exercise as much as I should. I have some issues with crappy body parts thanks to the U.S. Army but I have always tried my best to not use that as an excuse to be lazy. I try to be up and moving around as much but obviously that is not enough. I do pretty good when I walk/jog but I'm not consistent.

I allow my own insecurities get the best of me about going to the gym and working out with some of the ladies from my church group. They are all way cute in their workout outfits and super fit. I don't want to be the bumpy, fat girl next to them.

I need to be accountable for myself. I am grateful that I am not super unhealthy yet considering my weight and laziness. I need to set a plan and put it into action.

I am a fat girl..there is no denying it, there are pictures to prove it. I don't need to be a size 2, I just need to be healthy and I'm not.

So there it is...a serious reality check. I'll even post a picture when I upload the pictures from my camera or you can watch EMHE on Veterans Day. I won't even have to tell you which one to look for, you'll just know!