It's not easy to admit, but my mood has taken a real hit since surgery was cancelled. This process has been very difficult for me for reasons I'm choosing not to reveal in such an open forum. Suffice it to say, having to delay it has really affected me. I feel more depressed and sometimes that means I want to eat emotionally - which is never veggies, I can tell you that!
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
Showing posts with label surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surgery. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Time Marches On...
I can't believe it happened - again! I've gone months and seemingly ignored this blog, although I haven't forgotten about it! Honest!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
I was incredibly concerned about food at Disney. It's always been one of our favorite things about our Disney vacations (this was my 13th trip; it was our 9th trip together, including our "Disneymoon"). We got the text that our room was ready and it turns out we'd been upgraded to "Club" (aka: concierge) Level. You know what that means? Free food! It also meant that we walked out onto our balcony the first night at the Wilderness Lodge after a long day at 2 different parks, and watched the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle. We were downright giddy! We'd also been eligible for the Free Dining promotion they offered. We weren't going to pay for the dining plan; I simply don't eat that much, but it was free, so we grabbed on! I tried some new foods and did well until the last day when I tried a few too many new things in one day and my sleeve rebelled (I vomited). Other than that, I did quite well. I even lost weight because of all the walking we do at Disney. It was an extraordinary vacation! We still enjoyed some great food, we had the upgrade, we were at our favorite place on Earth (the adult-exclusive beach, called Serenity Bay, at Disney's private island, Castaway Cay where we floated on mats in the clear ocean and just hung out talking - all the while our backs getting burnt, as we were laying on our stomachs), and we were on a phenomenal new ride, Seven Dwarfs Mine Train, during the nighttime fireworks. And those were just the highlights!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
59 weeks on 7/11/17
Wow, is it seriously Summer?? And how did I go so long between posts?
Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.
I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery. So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like? I'll tell you, it's not easy. I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully! The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week. I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.
So there I was. Stuck in the hospital. Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus. Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix. Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time! But I survived. I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission. My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian. Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!
Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week. Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).
Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand. Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two). A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery. More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all. It would seriously interfere with my training. After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.
Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy. Ugh! I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here. I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality. Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much. I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation. I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home. Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap. We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes. They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too! This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work. Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure! It's something, right?
Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May. He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...
When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home. Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?). By nighttime I was famished! Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries. Blah. There is only so much of one food a person can have. At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull. Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes. I had to mix it up. Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous. And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies. It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months. Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet. It took a bit, but I've given them up. I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!
My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding. Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture). I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture. Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence. For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall. But I forgot them...grrrr! At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)
It's a funny thing. When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice. Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look. It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see. I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me. But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent. I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging. Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time! At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.
The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery. He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment. My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal. I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him. Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift! Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight. Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get. Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!
Vacation... we're going to Disney World!! This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical! We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days. Food is going to be very different from past trips. In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there. So many options, so many yummy options! This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick. It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit! GASP! What? Yes, a bathing suit. I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route. I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.
I'm on a super supportive bariatric site. I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out. I admit, it's upsetting. Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers. It was something I needed to hear. Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s. None of these things add up to quick weight-loss. I've also been inconsistent with my workouts. I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses. Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it! It's still part of the self-hatred, though.... Hey, what can I do but work on it?
Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer. I'll also try to post more often.
Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.
I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery. So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like? I'll tell you, it's not easy. I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully! The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week. I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.
So there I was. Stuck in the hospital. Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus. Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix. Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time! But I survived. I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission. My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian. Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!
Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week. Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).
Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand. Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two). A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery. More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all. It would seriously interfere with my training. After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.
Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy. Ugh! I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here. I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality. Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much. I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation. I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home. Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap. We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes. They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too! This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work. Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure! It's something, right?
Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May. He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...
When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home. Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?). By nighttime I was famished! Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries. Blah. There is only so much of one food a person can have. At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull. Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes. I had to mix it up. Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous. And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies. It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months. Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet. It took a bit, but I've given them up. I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!
My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding. Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture). I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture. Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence. For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall. But I forgot them...grrrr! At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)
It's a funny thing. When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice. Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look. It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see. I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me. But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent. I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging. Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time! At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.
The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery. He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment. My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal. I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him. Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift! Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight. Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get. Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!
Vacation... we're going to Disney World!! This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical! We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days. Food is going to be very different from past trips. In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there. So many options, so many yummy options! This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick. It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit! GASP! What? Yes, a bathing suit. I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route. I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.
I'm on a super supportive bariatric site. I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out. I admit, it's upsetting. Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers. It was something I needed to hear. Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s. None of these things add up to quick weight-loss. I've also been inconsistent with my workouts. I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses. Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it! It's still part of the self-hatred, though.... Hey, what can I do but work on it?
Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer. I'll also try to post more often.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Surviving the Holidays After Bariatric Surgery
Yeah, this is a difficult one. I've held off on writing it, unsure how to really convey this experience to anyone outside of the bariatric world.
Thanksgiving
This was probably the easiest of them all. My sleeve handles turkey. I made a special cranberry sauce using low-sugar Craisins, as well as a pumpkin pie. The sauce was pretty yummy. I am not a fan of cranberry sauce, especially since I grew up with cranberry mousse (aka: the pink stuff), which is one of the most delicious things on Earth. But I put this over my turkey and, while I still had to have the "pink stuff" pass by me, I held off. This got me through Thanksgiving mostly unscathed.
Christmas
1) This was a different story. We did Christmas three (!!) times. We went to my in-laws' before Christmas. It was somewhat simple again because of having turkey. But then came the cookies. Ohh, the cookies. I had to leave the room. They were simply too difficult to resist. I mean Christmas cookie? Who doesn't love them?
2) Dinner at my parents' was ... far more difficult. One of my favorite things was prime rib, not just because it's yummy, but because it meant one thing: Yorkshire pudding (a recipe from my Grandfather who was French and lived in England -- our crepe recipe is from him, too, but I digress...). Yorkshire pudding is indescribable. I've had it other places, but it's different. You know how it is; once you have a specific recipe made by a specific person, nothing ever compares. There was also the pink stuff. Since my sleeve doesn't tolerate beef well (even filet), I brought chicken salad made with Greek yogurt, to which I added those low-sugar Craisins leftover from Thanksgiving, and something called Protein Birthday Bites in lieu of cookies. But the cookie tray still passed...and those around me enjoyed every bite. My Mom has made countless batches of cookies each year. She stopped for a number of years, but started again this year and went full-force. Some of those which made me drool were Bon-Bons, Chocolate Crinkles, Candy Canes, Snickerdoodles.... I have to stop. Now, my Mom's theory has always been that Christmas cookies are ONLY for Christmas, so never made any other time of the year (except sometimes I would get them for my birthday if I was extra good). This makes them extra-special. That makes me extra-upset at missing them. The good news is that I was able to see my brother and nephews who have spent much of their lives living out of the country and it's always great to see them!
3) Brunch/Lunch ... when coming up with a menu, my Mom asked what I could have, as she was getting sandwiches. She made me egg salad (from 2 eggs and with light mayo) and I had some veggies and hummus. Again the cookies came out. Again I found myself passing around incredibly tempting foods. Again I held firm.
This may not be the best motivation to keep that "willpower" (I don't really like that word, but that's another story) but I don't want to puke. I know that if I eat the wrong thing or eat too much, that is always a chance. I have already gotten nauseated and was certain I was going to vomit, but thankfully did not, from various and sundry foods. The latest is water. I used to LOVE water. Seriously - it was all I drank. To mix it up, I've been doing Crystal Light and when I tried water this past weekend, I couldn't stomach it. One sip and I knew. That's it for water - at least until I'm brave enough to try it again.
One of my favorite dinners of late is turkey burgers. My Aunt made these when we visited in September and they're extraordinary. I'm sure you're thinking something to the effect of "YUCK, BLAH, turkey burgers!" But seriously, I don't think we've done beef since! We get the high grade (98%?) organic ground turkey, throw in a teensy bit of bread crumbs (just to hold it together), locatelli cheese, a few spices, and the extra special ingredient - FRESH basil. These burgers are extraordinary! Hubby adds some deli cheese and grills them a little longer, but I don't like cheeseburgers, so that's never been an option. Now that it's cold out, we throw them on the Foreman Grill and they are just as tasty!
I have been super lax with my exercise. The bike became complicated because of Poly (our difficult child) and I haven't had the energy to walk the pups, so I've not been doing much of anything in that area. But, my friend Janet keeps her own blog and her most recent entry kicked my rear into gear! That said, I've already tried the Y and gave up. I also tried LA Fitness and gave up - once I wasn't doing the water aerobics anymore, I was out. A huge room filled with machines spikes my anxiety through to roof and I'm super intimidated. So, after reading Janet's blog, I took the bull by the horns joined a small gym. With that came 2 sessions with a trainer. Needless to say I scheduled the first one immediately. The guy is nice! I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. He wasn't some gym-rat, arrogant, steroid-pumped guy. So I scheduled my second session. Of course I got a migraine, but I actually rescheduled and went back. And then I went for a third time and I'm going again on Monday! I need the accountability. Being a small gym, there aren't a ton of people there at once - at least at the hour I go. The people that are there are also into their music or what's on the TV at their machine. That said, I can't make any kind of agreement to meet someone there. Also, since I'm on disability, I also don't run into a lot of middle-agers late morning/early afternoon. While the people there seem very nice, they seem to want to get in, do their thing, and get out. I know that I need the accountability. I also can't afford to get injured and fear that I'll wind up screwing something up, use a machine wrong and wind up needing a zillion surgeries with only a slim hope of ever walking again. Ok, ok, yes I'm aware that I'm exaggerating - to the extreme - but I can't get hurt if it's preventable. The poor guy has tried to help me up from one of the machines that has me almost sitting on the ground (and pressing up with my legs). I finally told him "I'm stubborn" when I didn't take his help for the umpteenth time. He replied "I'm chivalrous." Truth be told, I realized that I'm not used to my body. I'm used to it taking 2 men to help me get up when I fall. The next time I was on that machine after having that epiphany, I told him. It's another one of those weird phenomena that people who haven't been morbidly obese can't explain.
I want to touch on something quickly. It's a general misconception. Someone dear to us told hubby that he needs to "catch up" (he needs to lose some weight), but that he has to do it the hard way. She was totally well-meaning and I'm not saying anything against her personally (in case she's reading this)! The thing is, this IS hard! It's far more difficult than any other attempts I've made at weight loss. I can't cheat without serious consequences. I can't have "just one" Christmas cookie or "just one bite" of pasta. I'm on a load of vitamins and supplements and will be forever. It's imperative that I drink 64 oz every.single.day. I cannot drink that for the 30 minutes after I finish eating. I have to get 60-80 grams of protein in every day. That protein has to come first. Veggies come after protein. Fruit comes after that. Even then, with being limited to 800 calories, I can't have much. I have to take 25-30 minutes to eat. I am to eat 4 oz (approx 1/4 cup or the size of your palm) over the course of that 30 minute period. There is nothing easy about this. It was major surgery, one which nearly killed me at first attempt. It required months of doctor appointments, tests, and clearances. And that was the easy part! This is not a cure for obesity! This is not a surgery you have and then go back to your old habits. This is the most life-changing thing I've ever done...EVER! So, please don't ever tell a bariatric patient that they've taken the easy way out! Sorry, rant over.
So, progress....
I've stalled a little bit and since reaching that goal, I've wavered between about 198 and 195, but I'm still below 200 and I'll take it!!! I'm sure my workouts will help boost that number down more quickly and hopefully with no stalls!
One of the things my group of friends in the bariatric world focuses on is non-scale victories. It's not all about the numbers! I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself from earlier posts but I can cross my legs! Heck, I cross them all the time, simply because I can! Shirts I have never been able to wear (I'm thinking specifically of shirts I got in Disney World but they never fit) are now big! I nearly skipped a jean size and am wearing jeans which nearly fall down right now. The next size down is still a little snug, though. I can just about fit a small farm animal between my gut and my steering wheel! It was snug before (and that's being generous). I had to have a CT done and put on the "fat gown" (as I've always called it...at least since I had to start wearing it) and it was enormous! I mean, I wasn't even able to tie it because one end was inside the gown and the other side was outside, so I might as well have been naked since I would have been almost totally exposed. I also had to have an MRI (unrelated) and I FIT! It was about 4 years ago when they last tried to put me in an MRI machine. I've always found an open bore one or used a special facility where you sit "in" the machine so it's on either side of you. Sure, that was a bit tight, but it was supposed to be so you don't move. Anyway, they were scanning my knee, so I had to go in sort of far and I made it - they were able to just hit the button and not stand and watch to see if I can go in without getting stuck!
I want to add, for the record, that I wrote the first half of this post right after New Years. Monday or Tuesday of this week I wrote the rest, hit save, and then it disappeared! My frustration told me to give up, go to bed, and try again... but then life got crazy so I didn't get to it again until now. I'm just praying it all posts!!!
Thanksgiving
This was probably the easiest of them all. My sleeve handles turkey. I made a special cranberry sauce using low-sugar Craisins, as well as a pumpkin pie. The sauce was pretty yummy. I am not a fan of cranberry sauce, especially since I grew up with cranberry mousse (aka: the pink stuff), which is one of the most delicious things on Earth. But I put this over my turkey and, while I still had to have the "pink stuff" pass by me, I held off. This got me through Thanksgiving mostly unscathed.
Christmas
1) This was a different story. We did Christmas three (!!) times. We went to my in-laws' before Christmas. It was somewhat simple again because of having turkey. But then came the cookies. Ohh, the cookies. I had to leave the room. They were simply too difficult to resist. I mean Christmas cookie? Who doesn't love them?
2) Dinner at my parents' was ... far more difficult. One of my favorite things was prime rib, not just because it's yummy, but because it meant one thing: Yorkshire pudding (a recipe from my Grandfather who was French and lived in England -- our crepe recipe is from him, too, but I digress...). Yorkshire pudding is indescribable. I've had it other places, but it's different. You know how it is; once you have a specific recipe made by a specific person, nothing ever compares. There was also the pink stuff. Since my sleeve doesn't tolerate beef well (even filet), I brought chicken salad made with Greek yogurt, to which I added those low-sugar Craisins leftover from Thanksgiving, and something called Protein Birthday Bites in lieu of cookies. But the cookie tray still passed...and those around me enjoyed every bite. My Mom has made countless batches of cookies each year. She stopped for a number of years, but started again this year and went full-force. Some of those which made me drool were Bon-Bons, Chocolate Crinkles, Candy Canes, Snickerdoodles.... I have to stop. Now, my Mom's theory has always been that Christmas cookies are ONLY for Christmas, so never made any other time of the year (except sometimes I would get them for my birthday if I was extra good). This makes them extra-special. That makes me extra-upset at missing them. The good news is that I was able to see my brother and nephews who have spent much of their lives living out of the country and it's always great to see them!
3) Brunch/Lunch ... when coming up with a menu, my Mom asked what I could have, as she was getting sandwiches. She made me egg salad (from 2 eggs and with light mayo) and I had some veggies and hummus. Again the cookies came out. Again I found myself passing around incredibly tempting foods. Again I held firm.
This may not be the best motivation to keep that "willpower" (I don't really like that word, but that's another story) but I don't want to puke. I know that if I eat the wrong thing or eat too much, that is always a chance. I have already gotten nauseated and was certain I was going to vomit, but thankfully did not, from various and sundry foods. The latest is water. I used to LOVE water. Seriously - it was all I drank. To mix it up, I've been doing Crystal Light and when I tried water this past weekend, I couldn't stomach it. One sip and I knew. That's it for water - at least until I'm brave enough to try it again.
One of my favorite dinners of late is turkey burgers. My Aunt made these when we visited in September and they're extraordinary. I'm sure you're thinking something to the effect of "YUCK, BLAH, turkey burgers!" But seriously, I don't think we've done beef since! We get the high grade (98%?) organic ground turkey, throw in a teensy bit of bread crumbs (just to hold it together), locatelli cheese, a few spices, and the extra special ingredient - FRESH basil. These burgers are extraordinary! Hubby adds some deli cheese and grills them a little longer, but I don't like cheeseburgers, so that's never been an option. Now that it's cold out, we throw them on the Foreman Grill and they are just as tasty!
I have been super lax with my exercise. The bike became complicated because of Poly (our difficult child) and I haven't had the energy to walk the pups, so I've not been doing much of anything in that area. But, my friend Janet keeps her own blog and her most recent entry kicked my rear into gear! That said, I've already tried the Y and gave up. I also tried LA Fitness and gave up - once I wasn't doing the water aerobics anymore, I was out. A huge room filled with machines spikes my anxiety through to roof and I'm super intimidated. So, after reading Janet's blog, I took the bull by the horns joined a small gym. With that came 2 sessions with a trainer. Needless to say I scheduled the first one immediately. The guy is nice! I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. He wasn't some gym-rat, arrogant, steroid-pumped guy. So I scheduled my second session. Of course I got a migraine, but I actually rescheduled and went back. And then I went for a third time and I'm going again on Monday! I need the accountability. Being a small gym, there aren't a ton of people there at once - at least at the hour I go. The people that are there are also into their music or what's on the TV at their machine. That said, I can't make any kind of agreement to meet someone there. Also, since I'm on disability, I also don't run into a lot of middle-agers late morning/early afternoon. While the people there seem very nice, they seem to want to get in, do their thing, and get out. I know that I need the accountability. I also can't afford to get injured and fear that I'll wind up screwing something up, use a machine wrong and wind up needing a zillion surgeries with only a slim hope of ever walking again. Ok, ok, yes I'm aware that I'm exaggerating - to the extreme - but I can't get hurt if it's preventable. The poor guy has tried to help me up from one of the machines that has me almost sitting on the ground (and pressing up with my legs). I finally told him "I'm stubborn" when I didn't take his help for the umpteenth time. He replied "I'm chivalrous." Truth be told, I realized that I'm not used to my body. I'm used to it taking 2 men to help me get up when I fall. The next time I was on that machine after having that epiphany, I told him. It's another one of those weird phenomena that people who haven't been morbidly obese can't explain.
I want to touch on something quickly. It's a general misconception. Someone dear to us told hubby that he needs to "catch up" (he needs to lose some weight), but that he has to do it the hard way. She was totally well-meaning and I'm not saying anything against her personally (in case she's reading this)! The thing is, this IS hard! It's far more difficult than any other attempts I've made at weight loss. I can't cheat without serious consequences. I can't have "just one" Christmas cookie or "just one bite" of pasta. I'm on a load of vitamins and supplements and will be forever. It's imperative that I drink 64 oz every.single.day. I cannot drink that for the 30 minutes after I finish eating. I have to get 60-80 grams of protein in every day. That protein has to come first. Veggies come after protein. Fruit comes after that. Even then, with being limited to 800 calories, I can't have much. I have to take 25-30 minutes to eat. I am to eat 4 oz (approx 1/4 cup or the size of your palm) over the course of that 30 minute period. There is nothing easy about this. It was major surgery, one which nearly killed me at first attempt. It required months of doctor appointments, tests, and clearances. And that was the easy part! This is not a cure for obesity! This is not a surgery you have and then go back to your old habits. This is the most life-changing thing I've ever done...EVER! So, please don't ever tell a bariatric patient that they've taken the easy way out! Sorry, rant over.
So, progress....
Now, I had hubby take a picture in front of the Christmas tree, but the outfit wasn't terribly flattering, so I decided against using it, but I have earned putting my "One-derland" charm on the chain with my "Loser's Bench" - see? I'll try to take another picture soon.
I've stalled a little bit and since reaching that goal, I've wavered between about 198 and 195, but I'm still below 200 and I'll take it!!! I'm sure my workouts will help boost that number down more quickly and hopefully with no stalls!
One of the things my group of friends in the bariatric world focuses on is non-scale victories. It's not all about the numbers! I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself from earlier posts but I can cross my legs! Heck, I cross them all the time, simply because I can! Shirts I have never been able to wear (I'm thinking specifically of shirts I got in Disney World but they never fit) are now big! I nearly skipped a jean size and am wearing jeans which nearly fall down right now. The next size down is still a little snug, though. I can just about fit a small farm animal between my gut and my steering wheel! It was snug before (and that's being generous). I had to have a CT done and put on the "fat gown" (as I've always called it...at least since I had to start wearing it) and it was enormous! I mean, I wasn't even able to tie it because one end was inside the gown and the other side was outside, so I might as well have been naked since I would have been almost totally exposed. I also had to have an MRI (unrelated) and I FIT! It was about 4 years ago when they last tried to put me in an MRI machine. I've always found an open bore one or used a special facility where you sit "in" the machine so it's on either side of you. Sure, that was a bit tight, but it was supposed to be so you don't move. Anyway, they were scanning my knee, so I had to go in sort of far and I made it - they were able to just hit the button and not stand and watch to see if I can go in without getting stuck!
I want to add, for the record, that I wrote the first half of this post right after New Years. Monday or Tuesday of this week I wrote the rest, hit save, and then it disappeared! My frustration told me to give up, go to bed, and try again... but then life got crazy so I didn't get to it again until now. I'm just praying it all posts!!!
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Day 85 -- What Now?? I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to write!
First, I can hardly believe that yesterday was 12 weeks! In some ways it feels like it's been that long, especially when I get a craving. In other ways, that's a LONG time! Since surgery, I'm down 31.6 lbs since surgery and 74.4 lbs from my first visit with the surgeon on 12/30/15. I still feel like I'm looking into those circus mirrors, though. Especially when I take pictures from the side (you'll see in pictures below that there are none of those!), I look pregnant and don't see much of a difference. It's a circus mirror - it must be, right? :P
Well, we went out to that same restaurant again (the high-end steak and seafood house) -- this time for my Mom's birthday. I was going to see my Aunt and Uncle on my Father's side (who I haven't seen in nearly 3 years) and my Uncle and his wife on my Mom's side (who I haven't seen since last Christmas). I admit, I was a little excited. Anyone I haven't seen in a long time can see a difference. It's a nice feeling for people to compliment me (although I still have that water-off-a-duck's-back "disease"), be happy for me, and encourage me. Don't get me wrong, I get that from friends and family here, but there's just something different when they see a drastic change.
Knowing that I was going to see family who I hadn't seen in a long time, I decided to treat myself to a new dress! You can see part of it in the picture below. I did get a "gut-sucker-inner" (my general label for any Spanx-type products. There is a part of me that really protrudes in whatever I wear and this dress was no exception. As far as clothes and shopping go, I'm just excited to be able to shop in a real, in person store! I have found some old clothes which fit (or hopefully will soon) and I certainly don't have a problem wearing them. Many are from when I worked, so are dressier than something I'd wear with denim shorts. I was at the dentist last week - I see the same hygienist each time. She was so surprised and so happy for me, telling me she can't wait to see me in 6 months and gave me a big hug. Back to my point -- she told me of a thrift shop about 10 minutes from the dentist (who is already 30 minutes from home), so I stopped in there. They had brand new clothes, tags still on, for under $10! Some clothes were 50% off so I got something like 7 new shirts and a dress for under $40. I foresee myself spending a lot of time here in the next year. Great store! Clean, nice clothes, jewelry, expanding to include furniture. A real gem! I never would have thought that I'd get excited about shopping again!
At the restaurant, I ordered the same: 3 scallops and asparagus, both grilled. I'm not sure why I bothered getting the asparagus because I'm too full to eat it, but one of my nephews took it to have it with his leftover dinner. For that matter, I wasn't able to finish 3 scallops over the course of more than the 30 minutes I'm supposed to take to eat. We picked up an ice cream cake for my Mom (after dinner, so I was stuffed!) and I was so full from dinner that it didn't even phase me, which I feared it would. Sure my brain wanted some, but my body said "UH-UH, NO WAY!" Having a complete aversion to vomiting - seriously, who doesn't (?) - I decided to listen to my body. No cake for me (is anyone else saying that in the "no soup for you" voice? Ok, maybe it's just me...)!
I'm still trying to figure out the brain hunger vs. body hunger aspect of this whole thing. I'm not used to giving any concern to that. Before surgery, hunger was hunger, period. And it meant that I ate. Period. And that meant that I got to be over 310 lbs and needed this surgery after numerous, almost countless, attempts to do this thing on my own. I try to eat every 3-1/2 to 4 hours to make sure I get my protein and to help me prevent headaches. Every medication I take is being metabolized differently now. I weigh significantly less, which automatically means there is less of me to pump those meds through. It's going to be a balancing act until I land at a reasonable weight (whatever that may be) and can figure it all out "for real." According to my doc's office, most of the weight will come off in the first 18 months; by next Christmas, I should be golden! Until then, trial-and-error pervade my life. Life is just different and in limbo more than usual. But I signed on for this and have put too much into it to just throw it all away!
I started doing water aerobics (can't remember if I've said that before), but have been somewhat inconsistent due to a variety of reasons. I have, however, continued to see the scale go down. I mean, how could it not? I'm eating around 800 calories a day. Anyone is going to lose weight doing that. I was excited to be able to add fruit into the mix (after I've gotten my protein and some veggies). It's that something sweet that I've wanted. I also made chicken salad, using Short-Cuts (Perdue), with Greek yogurt instead of mayo - try it sometime; not only does it pump up the protein, but it offers up a change in flavor. I so desperately wanted to add grapes to it, but ran it first the dietitian first and was thrilled to get the go-ahead!!! We've branched out some with our meals, trying new recipes, many of which have been quite good!
I've been taking pictures about every 4 weeks. While not all of them are clear (and I've kept my face out of them, even though people have told me that's where they can really see a difference), I have decided to post some pictures to date. Before I do that, let me say that from my first visit with the surgeon at 304 lbs, and a surgery weight of 261.2, I think I'm on the right track. I just have to get my butt in gear with increasing exercise, but that's another story. Ok, here goes nothing (and you get to see how sloppy and dirty my bedroom and mirror are):
Not too shabby, huh?
I have to tell you that I realize I look pregnant in the 8 week picture - it's the shirt; it's just not cut right for my body.
I can't tell you the last time that I was under 230 pounds! I mean, I could look back because I have calendars up in my night table, but I don't feel like going up there right now. I can tell you that it's been MANY years! And the last time I did hit it, it didn't last long. I was probably about 180 when I first started therapy in March of 2000. When I stopped working in November of that year, I wouldn't be surprised if I was around 200 (meds are a horrible contributor!). There was a shirt I found and there is a picture of me wearing it on a 2007 trip to Disney World.
I'm becoming more accustomed to the dietary changes. I still forget to eat sometimes. I typically start off my day with a protein shake (between 33-35 grams of protein - I'm supposed to get between 60-80 grams daily). A protein bar is usually 20 grams. Then I'll have Egg Beaters or Rosemary Chicken, Chicken Lettuce Wraps (better than PF Changs, in my opinion), Chicken "Fried" "Riceless" Rice... and I keep trying new things. The last 3 got serious approval from hubby, especially the Rosemary Chicken and the Lettuce Wraps - 5 stars! I have a number of bariatric cookbooks and am trying to get adventurous (within the confines of my dietary restrictions, since each program is different).
Big news on the Jen front: I can CROSS MY LEGS!!! No, it's not ankle to ankle or lower calf to lower calf, but it's not ankle to knee! Again, something someone who hasn't been morbidly obese doesn't even think about, but it's one of those things that comes into play. Wear skirts is awkward, but now I can without fear of showing a little too much of myself!
I also went shopping - in my very own closet! Ok, much of what I found is from before I went on disability in 2000 so it has shoulder pads. Fear not, those will be removed before that garment comes anywhere near my body (other than trying it on). I absolutely will not - WILL NOT - be leaving the house with shoulder pads, unless I'm going to an 80s themed party (highly unlikely).
I said to hubby last night as I was struggling to get in my minimum protein that people think surgery is the easy way out. They have NO clue - and it's not their fault, they just don't have the experience or know anyone who has and has been honest about it. The hard work starts when real food enters the post-op world. When I go to the gym, I have time to eat a Greek yogurt (12 grams protein) because it takes me an hour or so to down a protein shake and I don't have that kind of time. When I get home I shower and blah, blah, blah and by the time I eat again, I'm already behind the 8-ball. I'm figuring it out, though... little-by-little.
The next hurdle is vacation next month. Just being at the supermarket last weekend with the Halloween candy out, I was reminded of the fudge, salt water taffy, funnel cake/funnel fries, pizza, burgers.... you know how it is. I mean, how many people go on vacation without food playing a fairly major role? C'mon... be serious!! I'll definitely be having a long conversation with my dietitian! I'll be packing my Magic Bullet so I can make protein shakes and some protein bars for when we're out and about. I also think we'll pick up some Egg Beaters and string cheese sticks to have on hand for a 6 g protein fix. From someone who isn't a big fan of cheese, I'm shocked at how much I'm eating - Weight Watchers brand makes a smoked mozzarella string cheese and they are pretty stinkin' good. The plain ones were really hard to get down.
Ok, so, if you've kept up with the blog, you've seen the restrictions. I've worked to darn hard to screw this up. What do you think would be the most difficult thing for you? I know I've offered up plenty of opinions and shared a lot of my story. But, how would you handle this? I venture to say that you'd be able to do more than you ever thought possible. Don't for one minute, though, ever tell anyone who is considering or has had bariatric surgery that it's the easy way out. There's no cheating if you want to succeed. No "one Skinny Cow candy bar is fine," "I can have just one chip and it'll be ok because I can stop there" or "one bowl of pasta won't hurt" - NO! WRONG! This is hard work. Just ask anyone who has been around me and sees what I eat and how I eat. HARD WORK!
I know there are some reading this blog who are considering the surgery. I do not discuss the difficult things to dissuade you from having the operation (whichever one you and your doctor deem appropriate with the greatest opportunity for success). I just want you to go into it with your eyes open. It is one of the major reasons I'm putting myself out there. Also, maybe you know someone who is going to have one of the bariatric surgeries. You need to know what they'll be going through. You need to know how to support and encourage them. You will be a vital part of their success.
On an unrelated note, this year I have begun a very small "business" as an independent consultant for a direct sales company. I have gained some confidence, both with the ability to wear something that doesn't look like a tent, and having positive feedback from what I've done with this. Being on disability, I'm not able to do a lot, but this allows me to set my own schedule and have parties when I feel well enough, do Facebook parties, and even have hostesses who opt for catalog parties. It can be really stressful sometimes and that's hard on me emotionally, but when something goes well and I can help someone achieve one of her goals, it's certainly heart-warming.
How can I help you? What questions can I answer? What support can I offer you or a friend? Please don't hesitate for one minute to ask. I mean, if I've posted that awful 310 lb picture, I'm willing to discuss "almost" anything. I want to help, encourage, support and celebrate your experience!
Well, we went out to that same restaurant again (the high-end steak and seafood house) -- this time for my Mom's birthday. I was going to see my Aunt and Uncle on my Father's side (who I haven't seen in nearly 3 years) and my Uncle and his wife on my Mom's side (who I haven't seen since last Christmas). I admit, I was a little excited. Anyone I haven't seen in a long time can see a difference. It's a nice feeling for people to compliment me (although I still have that water-off-a-duck's-back "disease"), be happy for me, and encourage me. Don't get me wrong, I get that from friends and family here, but there's just something different when they see a drastic change.
Knowing that I was going to see family who I hadn't seen in a long time, I decided to treat myself to a new dress! You can see part of it in the picture below. I did get a "gut-sucker-inner" (my general label for any Spanx-type products. There is a part of me that really protrudes in whatever I wear and this dress was no exception. As far as clothes and shopping go, I'm just excited to be able to shop in a real, in person store! I have found some old clothes which fit (or hopefully will soon) and I certainly don't have a problem wearing them. Many are from when I worked, so are dressier than something I'd wear with denim shorts. I was at the dentist last week - I see the same hygienist each time. She was so surprised and so happy for me, telling me she can't wait to see me in 6 months and gave me a big hug. Back to my point -- she told me of a thrift shop about 10 minutes from the dentist (who is already 30 minutes from home), so I stopped in there. They had brand new clothes, tags still on, for under $10! Some clothes were 50% off so I got something like 7 new shirts and a dress for under $40. I foresee myself spending a lot of time here in the next year. Great store! Clean, nice clothes, jewelry, expanding to include furniture. A real gem! I never would have thought that I'd get excited about shopping again!
At the restaurant, I ordered the same: 3 scallops and asparagus, both grilled. I'm not sure why I bothered getting the asparagus because I'm too full to eat it, but one of my nephews took it to have it with his leftover dinner. For that matter, I wasn't able to finish 3 scallops over the course of more than the 30 minutes I'm supposed to take to eat. We picked up an ice cream cake for my Mom (after dinner, so I was stuffed!) and I was so full from dinner that it didn't even phase me, which I feared it would. Sure my brain wanted some, but my body said "UH-UH, NO WAY!" Having a complete aversion to vomiting - seriously, who doesn't (?) - I decided to listen to my body. No cake for me (is anyone else saying that in the "no soup for you" voice? Ok, maybe it's just me...)!
I'm still trying to figure out the brain hunger vs. body hunger aspect of this whole thing. I'm not used to giving any concern to that. Before surgery, hunger was hunger, period. And it meant that I ate. Period. And that meant that I got to be over 310 lbs and needed this surgery after numerous, almost countless, attempts to do this thing on my own. I try to eat every 3-1/2 to 4 hours to make sure I get my protein and to help me prevent headaches. Every medication I take is being metabolized differently now. I weigh significantly less, which automatically means there is less of me to pump those meds through. It's going to be a balancing act until I land at a reasonable weight (whatever that may be) and can figure it all out "for real." According to my doc's office, most of the weight will come off in the first 18 months; by next Christmas, I should be golden! Until then, trial-and-error pervade my life. Life is just different and in limbo more than usual. But I signed on for this and have put too much into it to just throw it all away!
I started doing water aerobics (can't remember if I've said that before), but have been somewhat inconsistent due to a variety of reasons. I have, however, continued to see the scale go down. I mean, how could it not? I'm eating around 800 calories a day. Anyone is going to lose weight doing that. I was excited to be able to add fruit into the mix (after I've gotten my protein and some veggies). It's that something sweet that I've wanted. I also made chicken salad, using Short-Cuts (Perdue), with Greek yogurt instead of mayo - try it sometime; not only does it pump up the protein, but it offers up a change in flavor. I so desperately wanted to add grapes to it, but ran it first the dietitian first and was thrilled to get the go-ahead!!! We've branched out some with our meals, trying new recipes, many of which have been quite good!
I've been taking pictures about every 4 weeks. While not all of them are clear (and I've kept my face out of them, even though people have told me that's where they can really see a difference), I have decided to post some pictures to date. Before I do that, let me say that from my first visit with the surgeon at 304 lbs, and a surgery weight of 261.2, I think I'm on the right track. I just have to get my butt in gear with increasing exercise, but that's another story. Ok, here goes nothing (and you get to see how sloppy and dirty my bedroom and mirror are):
At my Mom's party (on 7/30/16), my Uncle's wife took this picture:
I have to tell you that I realize I look pregnant in the 8 week picture - it's the shirt; it's just not cut right for my body.
I can't tell you the last time that I was under 230 pounds! I mean, I could look back because I have calendars up in my night table, but I don't feel like going up there right now. I can tell you that it's been MANY years! And the last time I did hit it, it didn't last long. I was probably about 180 when I first started therapy in March of 2000. When I stopped working in November of that year, I wouldn't be surprised if I was around 200 (meds are a horrible contributor!). There was a shirt I found and there is a picture of me wearing it on a 2007 trip to Disney World.
I'm becoming more accustomed to the dietary changes. I still forget to eat sometimes. I typically start off my day with a protein shake (between 33-35 grams of protein - I'm supposed to get between 60-80 grams daily). A protein bar is usually 20 grams. Then I'll have Egg Beaters or Rosemary Chicken, Chicken Lettuce Wraps (better than PF Changs, in my opinion), Chicken "Fried" "Riceless" Rice... and I keep trying new things. The last 3 got serious approval from hubby, especially the Rosemary Chicken and the Lettuce Wraps - 5 stars! I have a number of bariatric cookbooks and am trying to get adventurous (within the confines of my dietary restrictions, since each program is different).
Big news on the Jen front: I can CROSS MY LEGS!!! No, it's not ankle to ankle or lower calf to lower calf, but it's not ankle to knee! Again, something someone who hasn't been morbidly obese doesn't even think about, but it's one of those things that comes into play. Wear skirts is awkward, but now I can without fear of showing a little too much of myself!
I also went shopping - in my very own closet! Ok, much of what I found is from before I went on disability in 2000 so it has shoulder pads. Fear not, those will be removed before that garment comes anywhere near my body (other than trying it on). I absolutely will not - WILL NOT - be leaving the house with shoulder pads, unless I'm going to an 80s themed party (highly unlikely).
I said to hubby last night as I was struggling to get in my minimum protein that people think surgery is the easy way out. They have NO clue - and it's not their fault, they just don't have the experience or know anyone who has and has been honest about it. The hard work starts when real food enters the post-op world. When I go to the gym, I have time to eat a Greek yogurt (12 grams protein) because it takes me an hour or so to down a protein shake and I don't have that kind of time. When I get home I shower and blah, blah, blah and by the time I eat again, I'm already behind the 8-ball. I'm figuring it out, though... little-by-little.
The next hurdle is vacation next month. Just being at the supermarket last weekend with the Halloween candy out, I was reminded of the fudge, salt water taffy, funnel cake/funnel fries, pizza, burgers.... you know how it is. I mean, how many people go on vacation without food playing a fairly major role? C'mon... be serious!! I'll definitely be having a long conversation with my dietitian! I'll be packing my Magic Bullet so I can make protein shakes and some protein bars for when we're out and about. I also think we'll pick up some Egg Beaters and string cheese sticks to have on hand for a 6 g protein fix. From someone who isn't a big fan of cheese, I'm shocked at how much I'm eating - Weight Watchers brand makes a smoked mozzarella string cheese and they are pretty stinkin' good. The plain ones were really hard to get down.
Ok, so, if you've kept up with the blog, you've seen the restrictions. I've worked to darn hard to screw this up. What do you think would be the most difficult thing for you? I know I've offered up plenty of opinions and shared a lot of my story. But, how would you handle this? I venture to say that you'd be able to do more than you ever thought possible. Don't for one minute, though, ever tell anyone who is considering or has had bariatric surgery that it's the easy way out. There's no cheating if you want to succeed. No "one Skinny Cow candy bar is fine," "I can have just one chip and it'll be ok because I can stop there" or "one bowl of pasta won't hurt" - NO! WRONG! This is hard work. Just ask anyone who has been around me and sees what I eat and how I eat. HARD WORK!
I know there are some reading this blog who are considering the surgery. I do not discuss the difficult things to dissuade you from having the operation (whichever one you and your doctor deem appropriate with the greatest opportunity for success). I just want you to go into it with your eyes open. It is one of the major reasons I'm putting myself out there. Also, maybe you know someone who is going to have one of the bariatric surgeries. You need to know what they'll be going through. You need to know how to support and encourage them. You will be a vital part of their success.
On an unrelated note, this year I have begun a very small "business" as an independent consultant for a direct sales company. I have gained some confidence, both with the ability to wear something that doesn't look like a tent, and having positive feedback from what I've done with this. Being on disability, I'm not able to do a lot, but this allows me to set my own schedule and have parties when I feel well enough, do Facebook parties, and even have hostesses who opt for catalog parties. It can be really stressful sometimes and that's hard on me emotionally, but when something goes well and I can help someone achieve one of her goals, it's certainly heart-warming.
How can I help you? What questions can I answer? What support can I offer you or a friend? Please don't hesitate for one minute to ask. I mean, if I've posted that awful 310 lb picture, I'm willing to discuss "almost" anything. I want to help, encourage, support and celebrate your experience!
Thursday, June 16, 2016
23 Days Post-Op: All in Due Time
For the sake out housekeeping, I know you've been chomping at the bit to find out what breed Casey is. So, drumroll please..... he's primarily Siberian Husky and somewhat less Chow Chow. Crazy, right? Crazy!
Also, I felt like the old blog needed some updating so enjoy the new, fresh look!
Ok, now down to business.
I saw the doctor for the first time yesterday. I was feeling so discouraged after having lost only 2 lbs between weeks 2 and 3. I have the LRNP's voice in my head saying "...20 pounds the first month" and while this wasn't a full month, I was super disappointed. What had I done wrong? I'd followed the diet to the letter, I'd gotten on the recumbent bike as much as possible, I'd taken my vitamins. I'd done it all right. What happened? The only real change is that I added pureed food into my diet. But, Jen, everyone does that, yet that number was in my head. It was eating away at me (no pun intended). I went into my therapist's office on Tuesday feeling incredibly down and we had a discussion about how each person is an individual and everyone's body is going to react to surgery differently, etc. I still couldn't get that 20 lbs out of my head.
I went in to the appointment a bit ambivalent, but my doctor is wonderful and put my mind at ease right away. As always I took my recorder with me. This is the first appointment I've been to alone, but even when there's someone with me I take it. With my brain being that of dirt, it's important to make sure I don't remember something incorrectly. With this, it could make a MAJOR difference, and not in a positive way.
At the downtown office, they have a scale. In the suburban office, there may be inconsistencies, so he sticks with the weights I give him from my scale here at home. While I lost only 2 lbs between weeks 2 and 3, he wasn't concerned. If memory serves (haha), I have lost about 12 lbs since surgery. I've also lost almost exactly 50 lbs since I first met him on 12/30/15. He's pleased with my progress. He also said something that really struck me. He said that I'm with myself everyday so I don't notice the change, but he can clearly see it. I expressed my frustration at not being able to wear clothes that I have fit into at this weight in the past. He essentially said "all in due time," but I wasn't offended. I guess when the person who monitors your weight says something like that, it doesn't come across as trite. He really means it. He knows it for himself through other patients. All in due time.
There are some areas which have puckered, specifically the two he used to do most of the work. I wasn't concerned. I figured that after losing the weight they'd go away anyway. But he assured me that it's because in those areas which were used the most and suffered the most "trauma" the dissolvable stitches are attached to pretty deep tissue, hence the puckering. No biggie. I've had enough surgeries and have enough scars that these things don't bother me. Heck, if that's the worst that comes from this surgery, I'll be thrilled!
I start "real/people" food next Tuesday. On the same day, all restrictions will be removed. The biggies are my lifting restriction and being able to get in the pool. The lifting: tonight, for example, is going to be pure chaos. Keith had to take Bert to the vet so they could do a day-long blood sugar monitoring (a bell curve test). Then, tonight, we have to take both dogs for their annual appointments and to update their vaccinations. I'm neither allowed to lift Bert nor "walk" either dog; given their sizes and the fact that they pull, there is a danger internally that they could do some damage. Even after my restrictions are lifted, I am to take it easy as far as walking them is concerned. Shoot! I will have the pool and I have my bike, but left to walk by myself I wind up too much in my head and then start to think about the pain or "I've walked 'x' far and will have to walk it back" so I'll go easier. If I'm walking the dogs, I'm focused on training them not to pull (it's an uphill battle!).
So, food. I am a bit confused by some of the papers the dietitian sent me. I am not really supposed to snack - and I get that. If I start to snack and it becomes a habit, I just set myself up for failure, even if they're healthy snacks. At the same time, some of what is listed on the paperwork sounds snack-y. But, I am allowed to do some vegetables now. 3 high-protein meals (with a total protein intake of 60-80 grams, so 20-30 grams each meal). I can do 3 oz of protein and 1 oz of veggies, which I think is where I'm getting the idea that some of those foods are snacks, because it's things like roasted chick peas or certain veggies with hummus. For maximum weight loss, they have found that people who continue to do one shake daily have the most success. It's also an incredibly easy meal!
I saw the EOB (explanation of benefits) from my primary insurance company the other day. It's absolutely insane! Granted, they took extra precautions because of the first attempt, plus there are oodles of bags hanging from my IV pole,
(crazy, right?), the 2 nights in the hospital, doctors, a test the day after surgery, blah, blah, blah. You can imagine how the list goes on and on. Also, it's a teaching hospital and I'm not sure how that works as far as billing for services of residents - I'm assuming it's ok since they're not interns, although I have no idea if they can bill for interns... all irrelevant. Let's just say the bill is monstrous! Praise God that I will have to pay less than $1500 and while that's not chump change, it's a tiny percentage. Now, my secondary said outright that they do not cover bariatric surgery. I don't know if that includes everything that goes with the surgery, like the hospital stay. Whatever happens, Keith and I are SO thankful that insurance is picking up the majority of it.
So, all-in-all a very positive visit with the doctor. Next week I'll be pushing the exercise as I test out foods and see what my pouch can tolerate.
And the journey continues....
Also, I felt like the old blog needed some updating so enjoy the new, fresh look!
Ok, now down to business.
I saw the doctor for the first time yesterday. I was feeling so discouraged after having lost only 2 lbs between weeks 2 and 3. I have the LRNP's voice in my head saying "...20 pounds the first month" and while this wasn't a full month, I was super disappointed. What had I done wrong? I'd followed the diet to the letter, I'd gotten on the recumbent bike as much as possible, I'd taken my vitamins. I'd done it all right. What happened? The only real change is that I added pureed food into my diet. But, Jen, everyone does that, yet that number was in my head. It was eating away at me (no pun intended). I went into my therapist's office on Tuesday feeling incredibly down and we had a discussion about how each person is an individual and everyone's body is going to react to surgery differently, etc. I still couldn't get that 20 lbs out of my head.
I went in to the appointment a bit ambivalent, but my doctor is wonderful and put my mind at ease right away. As always I took my recorder with me. This is the first appointment I've been to alone, but even when there's someone with me I take it. With my brain being that of dirt, it's important to make sure I don't remember something incorrectly. With this, it could make a MAJOR difference, and not in a positive way.
At the downtown office, they have a scale. In the suburban office, there may be inconsistencies, so he sticks with the weights I give him from my scale here at home. While I lost only 2 lbs between weeks 2 and 3, he wasn't concerned. If memory serves (haha), I have lost about 12 lbs since surgery. I've also lost almost exactly 50 lbs since I first met him on 12/30/15. He's pleased with my progress. He also said something that really struck me. He said that I'm with myself everyday so I don't notice the change, but he can clearly see it. I expressed my frustration at not being able to wear clothes that I have fit into at this weight in the past. He essentially said "all in due time," but I wasn't offended. I guess when the person who monitors your weight says something like that, it doesn't come across as trite. He really means it. He knows it for himself through other patients. All in due time.
There are some areas which have puckered, specifically the two he used to do most of the work. I wasn't concerned. I figured that after losing the weight they'd go away anyway. But he assured me that it's because in those areas which were used the most and suffered the most "trauma" the dissolvable stitches are attached to pretty deep tissue, hence the puckering. No biggie. I've had enough surgeries and have enough scars that these things don't bother me. Heck, if that's the worst that comes from this surgery, I'll be thrilled!
I start "real/people" food next Tuesday. On the same day, all restrictions will be removed. The biggies are my lifting restriction and being able to get in the pool. The lifting: tonight, for example, is going to be pure chaos. Keith had to take Bert to the vet so they could do a day-long blood sugar monitoring (a bell curve test). Then, tonight, we have to take both dogs for their annual appointments and to update their vaccinations. I'm neither allowed to lift Bert nor "walk" either dog; given their sizes and the fact that they pull, there is a danger internally that they could do some damage. Even after my restrictions are lifted, I am to take it easy as far as walking them is concerned. Shoot! I will have the pool and I have my bike, but left to walk by myself I wind up too much in my head and then start to think about the pain or "I've walked 'x' far and will have to walk it back" so I'll go easier. If I'm walking the dogs, I'm focused on training them not to pull (it's an uphill battle!).
So, food. I am a bit confused by some of the papers the dietitian sent me. I am not really supposed to snack - and I get that. If I start to snack and it becomes a habit, I just set myself up for failure, even if they're healthy snacks. At the same time, some of what is listed on the paperwork sounds snack-y. But, I am allowed to do some vegetables now. 3 high-protein meals (with a total protein intake of 60-80 grams, so 20-30 grams each meal). I can do 3 oz of protein and 1 oz of veggies, which I think is where I'm getting the idea that some of those foods are snacks, because it's things like roasted chick peas or certain veggies with hummus. For maximum weight loss, they have found that people who continue to do one shake daily have the most success. It's also an incredibly easy meal!
I saw the EOB (explanation of benefits) from my primary insurance company the other day. It's absolutely insane! Granted, they took extra precautions because of the first attempt, plus there are oodles of bags hanging from my IV pole,
So, all-in-all a very positive visit with the doctor. Next week I'll be pushing the exercise as I test out foods and see what my pouch can tolerate.
And the journey continues....
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Day 7 Post-Op
Alrighty then... Where to start?
Surgery day was a long one! After an initial call to arrive at the hospital at 11:15, they called later and asked if 8:45 would work. Heck yeah! The earlier the better. It meant leaving the house super early because of traffic headed downtown, but that's not at all a complaint! I got changed into the hospital gown (the paper pre-op one -- it does have cute little paw prints on it, though), my Pastor and a church friend who had come to the last "attempt" arrived and we sat. And sat. And sat. I think they finally took me back to the pre-op area around 1 pm. Certainly none of us expected that. I was there for a bit as the struggled to find a vein. Again, they found one good enough to put me under and poked, prodded, stuck and tortured my poor body before even beginning the surgery. One interesting note: I had anesthesiologists on either side of me looking for veins.
One of them finally went and got a vein finder (image courtesy of http://www.qtechnologiesgroup.co.uk/local-community-fundraise-for-new-vein-finder-accuvein/) although I have no idea of the brand. I was too busy watching this thing and sort of fascinated by it. I've always had difficult veins. Pretty cool, right?
Perhaps I should pick one of these up (for upteen dollars) and carry it with me! Yes, so while the vein finder was keeping my attention to my right, the woman on the left found a vein good enough to get me under. I'll tell you, when I woke up I found all sorts of bandages from failed attempts. Hey, at least I was asleep, right?
The one thing One of the things I wasn't expecting was having a jugular central line. The doc wanted to be on the safe side and said it's the easiest way to get meds to elevate blood pressure, should that happen again. Sadly, they kept it in the entire time and it was a bit annoying, but I survived.
Remembering that I am.... well.... me, things didn't go 100% as planned and the surgeon found adhesions from my gall bladder removal which he had to address. Once that was out of the way, he proceeded forward.
Something else I wasn't expecting was the level of pain and the amount of nausea. Sure I knew there would be a ton, especially the first day, but when, by day 3, I was still having a hard time getting down the mandatory 4 oz of water hourly, I was taken aback. Heck, once I had 5 oz and was sure I was going to lose it. Yep, that's how small my stomach is - well, at least when it's all swollen and irritated from surgery. While the surgery went (mostly) according to plan, I was given the option to stay at the hospital until Friday, while most leave on Thursday. I was up and lapping the unit and was keeping up with my fluids so was ok'd to leave on Thursday. I decided that I'll heal better with more sleep - because honestly, does anyone actually sleep in the hospital? They gave me a special pillow to push against my belly when I cough or laugh or do anything else that puts strain on my core muscles and it has helped a lot. So I know I'm super out-of-shape, but I had NO idea how often I use my core muscles. Just getting in and out of a chair or (forgive me) on and off the toilet was downright excruciating the 2nd day (after they removed the catheter).
Sleep. It's not as easy as one would think. I'm not allowed to twist, nor am I to bend from the waist or lift more than 15 lbs. It's absolutely better than being jabbed and poked all night long. However, even sleeping in my usual position has me twisting a bit, which I never realized. I have taken pillows and propped my middle section up a bit so I'm more aligned. Bert, unfortunately, likes to lay there; it's his nighttime spot. I've had to "encourage" him to move more than once since Thursday.
I'm keeping a book with everything that comes in (and goes out) of my body, as well as pain levels and I am supposed to take my temperature twice daily. That all goes in my book. I'm also keeping a general mood record in there for my personal record-keeping. With my follow-up on Thursday, I don't want my horrible memory to kick in and wind up saying "I don't know" to a bunch of really important questions.
I'm still doing the liquid diet and am to get 4-6 oz hourly of liquid. I started off with ginger tea when I first got home (iced it like crazy) and am now doing Crystal Light, and even doing some broth and consumee. Some nights what Keith makes for himself smells delicious, but always simultaneously makes me nauseas. That Thursday (although it may have been Wednesday -- it's so easy to lose time in the hospital) the nurse told me she was all-but prohibited from giving me anti-nausea meds. This will be my "new normal" for a bit and I have to get used to it. So, I've toughened up and done what I can. Thankfully, all has stayed down.
I think I've mentioned before that I fear my depression meds will decrease my metabolism, hence slow my weight loss. The surgery will absolutely affect my meds and how they are absorbed. I don't know if that means I will have to decrease (hopefully) or increase dosages. I also had normal blood pressure in the hospital and since I was being monitored 24/7 and not getting any BP meds, the doc sent me home not taking it. My PCP was ok with that. My sugars were also normal given that I was on a constant "sugar saline" drip.
I have essentially stopped pain meds, although did take a dose of liquid (i.e., kids) Tylenol for a headache. There's no need to take narcotics for that. I'll speak with the LRNP at my post-op appointment this week about what vitamins and supplements I should take. I actually like the calcium - it's a nice sweet treat twice a day.
Poly was in daycare today (and all week). Since I'm not allowed to bend over at the waist, I can't put her leash on and since she won't come when she's called (and will bark like a maniac), she needs to be leashed. Casey has been bummed today, but he's good for me. I just wish I could sit in the sofa with him so I could snuggle. I think a good snuggle would do me good.
This evening, hubby had to rush home from work to pick up Poly from work so he could help me get Bert in the carrier so we could take him to the vet. Just to add to the stress going on right now, Bert has to stay at the vet overnight (Tori isn't happy and will start howling/yelling at us when she realizes he isn't there at bedtime). He hasn't been using the litter box to urinate; rather, he thinks the sofa in the spare bedroom is a better place. Thankfully we have vinyl car seat covers for the dogs, so we put them down so there is no damage to the sofa. He actually only ruined a pillow. There were sheets covering some clothes I had there and the clothes on top were still in their bags - they never fit... that is not YET!
So, I know I rambled quite a bit and this is rather garbled. Please forgive me. I've been working on this on and off all day in the midst of a bunch of other things. Any repetition is unintentional, as is any disjointedness.
I hopped on the scale yesterday - hubby was home and I can't bend at the waist, so I can't even get to it. I've lost.... <drum roll please>...... 2.2 pounds. Honestly I'm not upset about this. I'm still swollen inside and my body is holding on to the liquids I'm consuming. If it doesn't pick up in a month, that'll be a different story!
I think that's enough storytelling and drama for today. Hopefully I'll soon be snoring away....
Surgery day was a long one! After an initial call to arrive at the hospital at 11:15, they called later and asked if 8:45 would work. Heck yeah! The earlier the better. It meant leaving the house super early because of traffic headed downtown, but that's not at all a complaint! I got changed into the hospital gown (the paper pre-op one -- it does have cute little paw prints on it, though), my Pastor and a church friend who had come to the last "attempt" arrived and we sat. And sat. And sat. I think they finally took me back to the pre-op area around 1 pm. Certainly none of us expected that. I was there for a bit as the struggled to find a vein. Again, they found one good enough to put me under and poked, prodded, stuck and tortured my poor body before even beginning the surgery. One interesting note: I had anesthesiologists on either side of me looking for veins.
One of them finally went and got a vein finder (image courtesy of http://www.qtechnologiesgroup.co.uk/local-community-fundraise-for-new-vein-finder-accuvein/) although I have no idea of the brand. I was too busy watching this thing and sort of fascinated by it. I've always had difficult veins. Pretty cool, right?Perhaps I should pick one of these up (for upteen dollars) and carry it with me! Yes, so while the vein finder was keeping my attention to my right, the woman on the left found a vein good enough to get me under. I'll tell you, when I woke up I found all sorts of bandages from failed attempts. Hey, at least I was asleep, right?
Remembering that I am.... well.... me, things didn't go 100% as planned and the surgeon found adhesions from my gall bladder removal which he had to address. Once that was out of the way, he proceeded forward.
Something else I wasn't expecting was the level of pain and the amount of nausea. Sure I knew there would be a ton, especially the first day, but when, by day 3, I was still having a hard time getting down the mandatory 4 oz of water hourly, I was taken aback. Heck, once I had 5 oz and was sure I was going to lose it. Yep, that's how small my stomach is - well, at least when it's all swollen and irritated from surgery. While the surgery went (mostly) according to plan, I was given the option to stay at the hospital until Friday, while most leave on Thursday. I was up and lapping the unit and was keeping up with my fluids so was ok'd to leave on Thursday. I decided that I'll heal better with more sleep - because honestly, does anyone actually sleep in the hospital? They gave me a special pillow to push against my belly when I cough or laugh or do anything else that puts strain on my core muscles and it has helped a lot. So I know I'm super out-of-shape, but I had NO idea how often I use my core muscles. Just getting in and out of a chair or (forgive me) on and off the toilet was downright excruciating the 2nd day (after they removed the catheter).
Sleep. It's not as easy as one would think. I'm not allowed to twist, nor am I to bend from the waist or lift more than 15 lbs. It's absolutely better than being jabbed and poked all night long. However, even sleeping in my usual position has me twisting a bit, which I never realized. I have taken pillows and propped my middle section up a bit so I'm more aligned. Bert, unfortunately, likes to lay there; it's his nighttime spot. I've had to "encourage" him to move more than once since Thursday.
I'm keeping a book with everything that comes in (and goes out) of my body, as well as pain levels and I am supposed to take my temperature twice daily. That all goes in my book. I'm also keeping a general mood record in there for my personal record-keeping. With my follow-up on Thursday, I don't want my horrible memory to kick in and wind up saying "I don't know" to a bunch of really important questions.
I'm still doing the liquid diet and am to get 4-6 oz hourly of liquid. I started off with ginger tea when I first got home (iced it like crazy) and am now doing Crystal Light, and even doing some broth and consumee. Some nights what Keith makes for himself smells delicious, but always simultaneously makes me nauseas. That Thursday (although it may have been Wednesday -- it's so easy to lose time in the hospital) the nurse told me she was all-but prohibited from giving me anti-nausea meds. This will be my "new normal" for a bit and I have to get used to it. So, I've toughened up and done what I can. Thankfully, all has stayed down.
I think I've mentioned before that I fear my depression meds will decrease my metabolism, hence slow my weight loss. The surgery will absolutely affect my meds and how they are absorbed. I don't know if that means I will have to decrease (hopefully) or increase dosages. I also had normal blood pressure in the hospital and since I was being monitored 24/7 and not getting any BP meds, the doc sent me home not taking it. My PCP was ok with that. My sugars were also normal given that I was on a constant "sugar saline" drip.
I have essentially stopped pain meds, although did take a dose of liquid (i.e., kids) Tylenol for a headache. There's no need to take narcotics for that. I'll speak with the LRNP at my post-op appointment this week about what vitamins and supplements I should take. I actually like the calcium - it's a nice sweet treat twice a day.
Poly was in daycare today (and all week). Since I'm not allowed to bend over at the waist, I can't put her leash on and since she won't come when she's called (and will bark like a maniac), she needs to be leashed. Casey has been bummed today, but he's good for me. I just wish I could sit in the sofa with him so I could snuggle. I think a good snuggle would do me good.
This evening, hubby had to rush home from work to pick up Poly from work so he could help me get Bert in the carrier so we could take him to the vet. Just to add to the stress going on right now, Bert has to stay at the vet overnight (Tori isn't happy and will start howling/yelling at us when she realizes he isn't there at bedtime). He hasn't been using the litter box to urinate; rather, he thinks the sofa in the spare bedroom is a better place. Thankfully we have vinyl car seat covers for the dogs, so we put them down so there is no damage to the sofa. He actually only ruined a pillow. There were sheets covering some clothes I had there and the clothes on top were still in their bags - they never fit... that is not YET!
So, I know I rambled quite a bit and this is rather garbled. Please forgive me. I've been working on this on and off all day in the midst of a bunch of other things. Any repetition is unintentional, as is any disjointedness.
I hopped on the scale yesterday - hubby was home and I can't bend at the waist, so I can't even get to it. I've lost.... <drum roll please>...... 2.2 pounds. Honestly I'm not upset about this. I'm still swollen inside and my body is holding on to the liquids I'm consuming. If it doesn't pick up in a month, that'll be a different story!
I think that's enough storytelling and drama for today. Hopefully I'll soon be snoring away....
Monday, May 23, 2016
Counting the Hours
Yep, that's right -- surgery's tomorrow. I have to be downtown on the early side, but that means surgery will be over earlier and hubby will be able to get home to our furbabies so they don't wither away to nothing (yeah, right -- spoiled kids). My first call this morning said to be there at 11:15, but later got a call that there was a cancellation and asked me to be there at 8:45. While we'll be in rush hour traffic ( which seems extra horrible around here with construction, lane closures, and roads not built for the amount of traffic traveling them daily... this area has been built-up beyond belief), hubby will be able to get home that much earlier. Casey (the big pup) will be in charge and will eat anyone who tries to enter unauthorized!
So, it's the ol' gastric sleeve, attempt #2. Same surgeon, same hospital, same anesthesiologist (I hope!) and same pacu nurse (I hope!). I know I'll get top quality care and then the real work begins. They want me sitting in a chair shortly after I get to my room (I imagine they'll let me take a snooze first) and then walking the halls by the end of the day. I hope I'm up for it because all I've heard from anyone is walk, walk, walk. Not only does it help prevent blood clots, but it helps with healing. I don't understand the ins and outs of most things medical, but I suspect that if I'm in one position too long, my "pouch"/sleeve will get too comfortable there and it will be more painful to move when I finally would get up.
As far as the failure and my blood pressure: I've been working with my PCP to stop one of my bp meds (first in half with 2 bp checks the following week, then stopped altogether with another 2 bp checks). I saw my pulmonologist today and they said my bp was "just right" (or perfect, or something to that effect) to them. In my eyes, it was a little elevated, but I was told by the surgeon's office not to take my other bp med today and that they'd prefer to handle high bp in the OR vs. low bp.
So, as it stands now, the plan is:
Hubby will be working from home on and off Wednesday-Friday and is off for Memorial Day on Monday. Then our problem child will go to daycare. I won't be able to bend at the waist, so I can't put her leash on. I also can't get them water if they need it and a number of other things. I have my enormous shoe horn - again, not being able to bend at the waist.
Keeping prayers on my heart for a positive outcome and that my anxiety doesn't take over. I'd love if you could do the same.
Over and out...
So, it's the ol' gastric sleeve, attempt #2. Same surgeon, same hospital, same anesthesiologist (I hope!) and same pacu nurse (I hope!). I know I'll get top quality care and then the real work begins. They want me sitting in a chair shortly after I get to my room (I imagine they'll let me take a snooze first) and then walking the halls by the end of the day. I hope I'm up for it because all I've heard from anyone is walk, walk, walk. Not only does it help prevent blood clots, but it helps with healing. I don't understand the ins and outs of most things medical, but I suspect that if I'm in one position too long, my "pouch"/sleeve will get too comfortable there and it will be more painful to move when I finally would get up.
As far as the failure and my blood pressure: I've been working with my PCP to stop one of my bp meds (first in half with 2 bp checks the following week, then stopped altogether with another 2 bp checks). I saw my pulmonologist today and they said my bp was "just right" (or perfect, or something to that effect) to them. In my eyes, it was a little elevated, but I was told by the surgeon's office not to take my other bp med today and that they'd prefer to handle high bp in the OR vs. low bp.
So, as it stands now, the plan is:
- Arrive and go to the admission area (assuming that we got through traffic without being killed)
- Put on the oh-so-fashionable hospital gown (and the paper one; I don't get the more comfy cloth one until after surgery)
- Head to pre-op and hope for the wonderful anesthesiologist to find a good vein
- Speak with the surgeon, who will tell me that he got a good night's sleep (he did last time)
- Enter OR and go night-night
- Wake up in PACU, hopefully to the smile of the wonderful nurse from last time.
- Head to room and have ice chips (hopefully)
- Wednesday: have a barium swallow test (which is as delightful as it sounds, although this one will be far less complicated than the one I had in the past because they are looking only to make sure the pouch is proper.
- Sip water. SIP. WATER.
- Thursday, if all goes according to plan, HOME!
Hubby will be working from home on and off Wednesday-Friday and is off for Memorial Day on Monday. Then our problem child will go to daycare. I won't be able to bend at the waist, so I can't put her leash on. I also can't get them water if they need it and a number of other things. I have my enormous shoe horn - again, not being able to bend at the waist.
Keeping prayers on my heart for a positive outcome and that my anxiety doesn't take over. I'd love if you could do the same.
Over and out...
Thursday, May 19, 2016
The Long and Short of It
Fact: I did everything asked of me between 12/30 and 4/26, including blood work, a drug test, a nuclear stress test, an echocardiogram, a psych clearance and more.
Fact: I've had countless conversations with the nurses and dietitian at the surgeon's office.
Fact: I did 2 weeks pre-op of a liquid-only diet (which is nothing shy of torture).
Fact: My husband took a day off of work the day of my surgery.
Fact: My attempt at a vertical sleeve gastrectomy on 4/26 failed due to dangerously low blood pressure and oxygen levels.
Fact: I had multiple checks of my blood pressure at my PCP's office after finally discontinuing one of my blood pressure medications
Now that we have that out of the way...
I am back on the liquid diet, but true to his word, the surgeon is only making me endure one week of liquids (oh, and FYI: don't bother plain broth unless you have no interest in taste). Thanks to a dear friend from church, I was introduced to a whole new world (is anyone else singing the song from Aladdin?) of sugar-free coffee syrups and no longer limited to the 3 options at Target. Don't get me wrong, but they were getting a bit dull. So I discovered that there is an entirely separate brand of these syrups and it's life-altering. Ok, that may sound extreme to you, but please know that I am not exaggerating. Keith would have long-since killed me had I been limited to chocolate and vanilla. I can also enjoy sugar-free Jell-O! Who would have thought that would warrant a WOO HOO?!?
So, what does all of this mean? It means that I am scheduled for surgery this coming Tuesday, 5/24! I admit that I'm having a hard time getting as excited this time around. I fear something else will go wrong and I'll be destroyed again. Let me make it clear that LOGICALLY and INTELLECTUALLY, I know that I did everything I was supposed to, to the letter. However, there is part of me that feels like, had I done something different or better, I would have a month's jump on my recovery. I should be beyond another 2 weeks of liquids AND the dreaded 2 weeks of pureed food. I should be adding in "human" food now. I should be trying foods, a little at a time to see what the sleeve will tolerate. As one of my doctors would say "I'm should-ing all over this situation."
Now that it's almost the weekend and then there's only one day left of Keith being at work, we'll be headed to the hospital... well, now I'm starting to get a little cheery. I pray that will turn into outright excitement by Tuesday morning.
For now, I'll drink (sugar-free, non-carbonated, and while I rarely do, non-alcoholic) and I'll enjoy some Jell-O. I think I should get a royalty for that one, but for now, I'll just enjoy it.
I have been consistent (since my initial junk food pity party), I have been on that exercise bike. I'm up to 15 minutes and doing about 5 miles +/- . In fact, I bought a TV for Keith to mount on the wall in the room where the bike is. Right now, I spend the first part of my ride ( varying) praying, but after that, there is little to do but watch the numbers: the seconds tick by, the distance trudges along, and the calories... well, that's just downright depressing! I know the TV will help and with Amazon Prime, I'll have a choice of non-daytime television options.
For now, let the countdown continue.
Fact: I've had countless conversations with the nurses and dietitian at the surgeon's office.
Fact: I did 2 weeks pre-op of a liquid-only diet (which is nothing shy of torture).
Fact: My husband took a day off of work the day of my surgery.
Fact: My attempt at a vertical sleeve gastrectomy on 4/26 failed due to dangerously low blood pressure and oxygen levels.
Fact: I had multiple checks of my blood pressure at my PCP's office after finally discontinuing one of my blood pressure medications
Now that we have that out of the way...
I am back on the liquid diet, but true to his word, the surgeon is only making me endure one week of liquids (oh, and FYI: don't bother plain broth unless you have no interest in taste). Thanks to a dear friend from church, I was introduced to a whole new world (is anyone else singing the song from Aladdin?) of sugar-free coffee syrups and no longer limited to the 3 options at Target. Don't get me wrong, but they were getting a bit dull. So I discovered that there is an entirely separate brand of these syrups and it's life-altering. Ok, that may sound extreme to you, but please know that I am not exaggerating. Keith would have long-since killed me had I been limited to chocolate and vanilla. I can also enjoy sugar-free Jell-O! Who would have thought that would warrant a WOO HOO?!?
So, what does all of this mean? It means that I am scheduled for surgery this coming Tuesday, 5/24! I admit that I'm having a hard time getting as excited this time around. I fear something else will go wrong and I'll be destroyed again. Let me make it clear that LOGICALLY and INTELLECTUALLY, I know that I did everything I was supposed to, to the letter. However, there is part of me that feels like, had I done something different or better, I would have a month's jump on my recovery. I should be beyond another 2 weeks of liquids AND the dreaded 2 weeks of pureed food. I should be adding in "human" food now. I should be trying foods, a little at a time to see what the sleeve will tolerate. As one of my doctors would say "I'm should-ing all over this situation."
Now that it's almost the weekend and then there's only one day left of Keith being at work, we'll be headed to the hospital... well, now I'm starting to get a little cheery. I pray that will turn into outright excitement by Tuesday morning.
For now, I'll drink (sugar-free, non-carbonated, and while I rarely do, non-alcoholic) and I'll enjoy some Jell-O. I think I should get a royalty for that one, but for now, I'll just enjoy it.
I have been consistent (since my initial junk food pity party), I have been on that exercise bike. I'm up to 15 minutes and doing about 5 miles +/- . In fact, I bought a TV for Keith to mount on the wall in the room where the bike is. Right now, I spend the first part of my ride ( varying) praying, but after that, there is little to do but watch the numbers: the seconds tick by, the distance trudges along, and the calories... well, that's just downright depressing! I know the TV will help and with Amazon Prime, I'll have a choice of non-daytime television options.
For now, let the countdown continue.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Short and Sweet: my Failed Attempt at Weight Loss Surgery
Ok, ok, I can hear it now - it wasn't your fault, you aren't a failure, you didn't fail, the doctors did what was in your best interest. Yes, logically I know all of this. Emotionally, well that's a different story.
And it begins. April 26th, the day ingrained in my whole world. I had a countdown clock on my phone and could look at any point how many days I had left until my life would change. Yes, I've made plenty of positive changes since my first visit with the surgeon on 12/30. Between then and 4/24, I lost 40 lbs! Granted, I was on the mandatory 2-week liquid diet, which certainly helped matters, but still - 40 pounds! I'll tell you right now that I've gained about 14 of those lbs back since the infamous failure day.
I arrive at the hospital and am almost giddy with excitement. I may have been the only person in pre-op who was joking around and happy to be there. I was PUMPED! The doctor came in, telling me he had plenty of sleep the night before... whew! My mind was at ease on that one (not that I even considered it a factor). I was there for one reason: to start an irreversible journey. Yes, before I move on, I know several people who have taken this journey and wound up gaining some or all of the weight back. Here's my reality, though. I HATE to vomit. While I've always had weight issues, I have never even considered (even as a dancer) purging. I know life after this surgery will be radically different. I know my relationship to food will forever be altered and that there are foods I won't be able to eat ever again (without the whole puking thing). It'ssort of very hard to fathom right now, but the thought of never having gnocchi or my Mom's red velvet cake again may be a reality.
So, returning to the hospital. The anesthesiologist comes in and puts in an IV. She said that she didn't really like the vein (especially considering I'll be on IV fluids for a few days and it needs to be a strong vein), but it was good enough to put me under so she doesn't torture me while I was awake - I sincerely appreciated that, since I know I have horrible veins. She gives me a muscle relaxant, to which I'm nearly immune, given that I used to be on something like 2 mg three times a day of Xanax. I remember them wheeling me into the OR and putting the mask over my face. After that, the next thing I know is that they're rushing me through the hallways telling people to get out of the way. I wasn't really alert to know what, if anything, this meant (I mean, it could have been people on break having lunch or talking on the phone for all I knew). I am slightly conscious and am asked if I'm in any pain, I'm shocked to be able to say "no." I mean - major surgery brings with it some discomfort - at least - and I felt ok.
When I'm awake enough someone (either the anesthesiologist or the Fellow working under my surgeon) says "you don't know yet, do you?" Ummm... know what?
Well, I woke up to needle sticks all over my body - from my foot to all over my hands and arms. I don't think twice about it because the anesthesiologist said she would try to find a better vein.
So, here's what I didn't know. They didn't do the surgery. You read that right. It turned out that when they put me under my blood pressure tanked. I can't remember how low it went, but I think hubby said something about the bottom number being in the 60-range. I was also told that when they took the oxygen away, my O2 level dropped to 80. They tried for 40 minutes to increase my levels, but to no avail.
Everyone in the Operative Waiting Room was getting calls that their friend/family member was done with surgery, because they would get up to go to the PACU (post-operative care unit). Then hubby saw my doc. In person. Coming to speak with him in the waiting room. No other doctor did that. First he said that I was fine and took him into what has come to be known as the "bad news" room.
I spent the day sobbing, and the rest of the week crying on and off when I'd think about it. The Fellow came to see me often. They ran a chest CT to make sure I didn't have a pulmonary embolism and a blood gas (I can't remember what that was for, but they had to get blood out of my artery -- in my wrist - OUCH! That thing still stings if I hit it the wrong way). They wanted to make sure they ruled out all life-threatening causes. It seems that it was probably because I was on 2 bp meds and the ace inhibitor (not the beta-blocker) likely kept them from upping my bp. Just FYI: I'm working with my GP and we think we have it figured out -- that I lost the weight to the point where it affected my need for as much medication to lower my bp. One time when the Fellow came in, she asked if I was ok. My typical answer for the day was "physically." I said, through my tears, that I felt like I was over-reacting. I have to say, she was wonderful! She assured me that I was not...that I was truly expecting something life-changing to happen...something I'd prepared for since 12/30 by getting clearances and doing testing. She thought my reaction was normal. This conversation happened after I had the CT. Prior to that one of the nurses in the PACU got an order from my doc to have lunch. When the doc came in, he explained again what happened I sobbed to him that I could NOT do the 2-week liquid diet. That just about killed me! He said that he's done it and wouldn't make me do it again. I would later find out that he'd only require 1 week.
People were coming and going and absolutely not eating in that unit, but as soon as I got back from the test, I ate (somewhat differently than had I had the surgery!). Hubby had gone to get lunch during this time, so my conversation with the Fellow was private. I was on that unit for the entire day!!! The protocol/rule is that there can be 1-2 visitors at a time for up to 15 minutes. Hubby was there nearly all day and we had a friend there who stayed for probably an hour into the PACU, but there were no seats and he was getting uncomfortable. When my nurse came back from lunch (she rocked, by the way - hugely rocked!), she made the "isolation" room available to us. Rather than being surrounded by curtains, it was a private area with 4 walls so I could be with hubby (and he could sit) and it could all be very private. I'm sure anyone who was there heard the sobs, despite how discrete they were (and they really were). I was told that the doc said he'd re-arrange things to get me in asap, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful and kind. I found out that he did feel guilty that it didn't work out, especially since I was so excited in pre-op.
It was up in the air if I'd be admitted for the night or go home. When they left the decision up to me I made it clear that I was in no shape to make decisions. My depressive symptoms had reared their ugly heads and decisions weren't my "strong" suit. The Fellow came back a bit later and said that the doc would release me if I wanted. Somehow when she put it that way, I felt free to say that I just wanted to come home -- see my furbabies, sleep in my own bed, wake up in my house in the morning (and avoid hubby having to drive downtown again, paying another $25 to park).
I called the office the next day and the nurse said she'd have the scheduling people call me. I heard back from them and the woman said she could schedule me sometime in June. JUNE? HUH? I asked if that was the first and went into a bit of what had happened before; she said she'd talk with the surgeon. They could fit me in on 5/24. It is two weeks from tomorrow. While I'm not required to do the 2 weeks of liquids, I'm going to try to do as much as I can. I am mortified at the amount of weight I gained from my post-failure-op emotional eating. I can't even write it down. Hubby and I were talking on the drive home about what I wanted to eat. Trust me, I had a good long list. Spaghetti and hoagies from a certain place topped the list!
So, I had spaghetti for dinner tonight (with pesto - yummy!). I've been trying to do 2 shakes a day. Now that hubby is going to the gym at night (since there is no pressure to cook for the both of us), I'm more free to do a 3rd shake. I'm supposed to have one within the first hour I'm awake and then every 3-4 hours later until I go to bed. This is in addition to my 64 oz of water. Well, with my previous overnight incontinence issues, I've tried to stick to stopping any food or drink in my body within 3 hrs prior to going to bed. It leaves me lacking and will be especially difficult after surgery when I'm forced to take only sips of a beverage.
Ok, that was my not-so-short-and-sweet surgical failure. I find myself less excited this time around. I guess I'm just more aware that it's not guaranteed.
On the good side of things, we had some great coupons and rewards dollars so went shopping and I got some 1x and 2x clothes. I held up one of the 1x shirts and thought, as I teared up, is it possible that I might fit into this? It was surreal.
And I'll leave it at that.
And it begins. April 26th, the day ingrained in my whole world. I had a countdown clock on my phone and could look at any point how many days I had left until my life would change. Yes, I've made plenty of positive changes since my first visit with the surgeon on 12/30. Between then and 4/24, I lost 40 lbs! Granted, I was on the mandatory 2-week liquid diet, which certainly helped matters, but still - 40 pounds! I'll tell you right now that I've gained about 14 of those lbs back since the infamous failure day.
I arrive at the hospital and am almost giddy with excitement. I may have been the only person in pre-op who was joking around and happy to be there. I was PUMPED! The doctor came in, telling me he had plenty of sleep the night before... whew! My mind was at ease on that one (not that I even considered it a factor). I was there for one reason: to start an irreversible journey. Yes, before I move on, I know several people who have taken this journey and wound up gaining some or all of the weight back. Here's my reality, though. I HATE to vomit. While I've always had weight issues, I have never even considered (even as a dancer) purging. I know life after this surgery will be radically different. I know my relationship to food will forever be altered and that there are foods I won't be able to eat ever again (without the whole puking thing). It's
So, returning to the hospital. The anesthesiologist comes in and puts in an IV. She said that she didn't really like the vein (especially considering I'll be on IV fluids for a few days and it needs to be a strong vein), but it was good enough to put me under so she doesn't torture me while I was awake - I sincerely appreciated that, since I know I have horrible veins. She gives me a muscle relaxant, to which I'm nearly immune, given that I used to be on something like 2 mg three times a day of Xanax. I remember them wheeling me into the OR and putting the mask over my face. After that, the next thing I know is that they're rushing me through the hallways telling people to get out of the way. I wasn't really alert to know what, if anything, this meant (I mean, it could have been people on break having lunch or talking on the phone for all I knew). I am slightly conscious and am asked if I'm in any pain, I'm shocked to be able to say "no." I mean - major surgery brings with it some discomfort - at least - and I felt ok.
When I'm awake enough someone (either the anesthesiologist or the Fellow working under my surgeon) says "you don't know yet, do you?" Ummm... know what?
Well, I woke up to needle sticks all over my body - from my foot to all over my hands and arms. I don't think twice about it because the anesthesiologist said she would try to find a better vein.
So, here's what I didn't know. They didn't do the surgery. You read that right. It turned out that when they put me under my blood pressure tanked. I can't remember how low it went, but I think hubby said something about the bottom number being in the 60-range. I was also told that when they took the oxygen away, my O2 level dropped to 80. They tried for 40 minutes to increase my levels, but to no avail.
Everyone in the Operative Waiting Room was getting calls that their friend/family member was done with surgery, because they would get up to go to the PACU (post-operative care unit). Then hubby saw my doc. In person. Coming to speak with him in the waiting room. No other doctor did that. First he said that I was fine and took him into what has come to be known as the "bad news" room.
I spent the day sobbing, and the rest of the week crying on and off when I'd think about it. The Fellow came to see me often. They ran a chest CT to make sure I didn't have a pulmonary embolism and a blood gas (I can't remember what that was for, but they had to get blood out of my artery -- in my wrist - OUCH! That thing still stings if I hit it the wrong way). They wanted to make sure they ruled out all life-threatening causes. It seems that it was probably because I was on 2 bp meds and the ace inhibitor (not the beta-blocker) likely kept them from upping my bp. Just FYI: I'm working with my GP and we think we have it figured out -- that I lost the weight to the point where it affected my need for as much medication to lower my bp. One time when the Fellow came in, she asked if I was ok. My typical answer for the day was "physically." I said, through my tears, that I felt like I was over-reacting. I have to say, she was wonderful! She assured me that I was not...that I was truly expecting something life-changing to happen...something I'd prepared for since 12/30 by getting clearances and doing testing. She thought my reaction was normal. This conversation happened after I had the CT. Prior to that one of the nurses in the PACU got an order from my doc to have lunch. When the doc came in, he explained again what happened I sobbed to him that I could NOT do the 2-week liquid diet. That just about killed me! He said that he's done it and wouldn't make me do it again. I would later find out that he'd only require 1 week.
People were coming and going and absolutely not eating in that unit, but as soon as I got back from the test, I ate (somewhat differently than had I had the surgery!). Hubby had gone to get lunch during this time, so my conversation with the Fellow was private. I was on that unit for the entire day!!! The protocol/rule is that there can be 1-2 visitors at a time for up to 15 minutes. Hubby was there nearly all day and we had a friend there who stayed for probably an hour into the PACU, but there were no seats and he was getting uncomfortable. When my nurse came back from lunch (she rocked, by the way - hugely rocked!), she made the "isolation" room available to us. Rather than being surrounded by curtains, it was a private area with 4 walls so I could be with hubby (and he could sit) and it could all be very private. I'm sure anyone who was there heard the sobs, despite how discrete they were (and they really were). I was told that the doc said he'd re-arrange things to get me in asap, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful and kind. I found out that he did feel guilty that it didn't work out, especially since I was so excited in pre-op.
It was up in the air if I'd be admitted for the night or go home. When they left the decision up to me I made it clear that I was in no shape to make decisions. My depressive symptoms had reared their ugly heads and decisions weren't my "strong" suit. The Fellow came back a bit later and said that the doc would release me if I wanted. Somehow when she put it that way, I felt free to say that I just wanted to come home -- see my furbabies, sleep in my own bed, wake up in my house in the morning (and avoid hubby having to drive downtown again, paying another $25 to park).
I called the office the next day and the nurse said she'd have the scheduling people call me. I heard back from them and the woman said she could schedule me sometime in June. JUNE? HUH? I asked if that was the first and went into a bit of what had happened before; she said she'd talk with the surgeon. They could fit me in on 5/24. It is two weeks from tomorrow. While I'm not required to do the 2 weeks of liquids, I'm going to try to do as much as I can. I am mortified at the amount of weight I gained from my post-failure-op emotional eating. I can't even write it down. Hubby and I were talking on the drive home about what I wanted to eat. Trust me, I had a good long list. Spaghetti and hoagies from a certain place topped the list!
So, I had spaghetti for dinner tonight (with pesto - yummy!). I've been trying to do 2 shakes a day. Now that hubby is going to the gym at night (since there is no pressure to cook for the both of us), I'm more free to do a 3rd shake. I'm supposed to have one within the first hour I'm awake and then every 3-4 hours later until I go to bed. This is in addition to my 64 oz of water. Well, with my previous overnight incontinence issues, I've tried to stick to stopping any food or drink in my body within 3 hrs prior to going to bed. It leaves me lacking and will be especially difficult after surgery when I'm forced to take only sips of a beverage.
Ok, that was my not-so-short-and-sweet surgical failure. I find myself less excited this time around. I guess I'm just more aware that it's not guaranteed.
On the good side of things, we had some great coupons and rewards dollars so went shopping and I got some 1x and 2x clothes. I held up one of the 1x shirts and thought, as I teared up, is it possible that I might fit into this? It was surreal.
And I'll leave it at that.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Just a Few Days Left
Well, here we are. Surgery is in 5 days!!! Ahhhhhhhh!
I've been on a liquid diet since last Tuesday and have to go through next Monday (obviously I can't eat or drink the day of surgery). Let me tell you - this is HARD! The first few days I was cranky as cranky gets! I needed to CHEW something. NOW! My poor husband :( Well, I went back to the paperwork and saw that I can have Jell-O! Now there's something I can sink my teeth into - literally! Let me tell you, I've gone through a lot of Jell-O, but it has kept me from causing anyone physical harm. Ah, the power of Jell-O!
I had my pre-op appointment a few weeks back and loaded them with questions. They say that they love it, but I can't help but question what it's like being burdened down with questions and if that hinders their schedule, etc. It's me, being an idiot, being overly sensitive, being overly considerate. I've been told that I have to take care of me and that I'm worth their time. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Haha ( you'll see why I laugh at that soon enough).
I've learned so much about nutrition and reading specific things on food labels in the past few months. This will be an uphill battle. I'm not ignorant to that fact. We will be taking a LOAD of stuff to the local food bank because I'm not strong enough to have it in the house and not eat it. I can't go to the grocery store at this point because even the smells from the bakery will have me wanting to give up on the whole surgery (ok, so maybe that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea).
I'm having protein drinks every 3-4 hours and trying my darndest to get in my 64 oz of water. The thing is, I'm trying to perfect the art of "sipping" pre-op so it won't be such a transition afterwards. Who knew sipping was an art? I'm thankful that my program allows the use of straws, which is a variable among programs. My doc's program told me (I asked specifically) that there is no definitive research to prove they provide a risk. I know there are other programs who prohibit their use. While it's going to make it difficult to get in 64 oz (which doesn't include the protein shake... BOO!), sipping also makes it very difficult to get down all of my meds (the list seems endless) and supplements/vitamins. Some of the supplements are ordered by the bariatric surgeon; others I take because they're healthy or one specifically I take to prevent or slow down macular degeneration which is now in 2 generations of my family. Well, my psych meds are a must - I absolutely, 100%, no question cannot miss those! There are also my meds for blood pressure. The cholesterol med isn't necessary for the day of surgery, nor are many of the others.
So, I guess that's the latest in the wonderful word of the hippopotamus. Now, as the world of bariatrics says: I'm getting ready to climb onto the loser's bench.
I've been on a liquid diet since last Tuesday and have to go through next Monday (obviously I can't eat or drink the day of surgery). Let me tell you - this is HARD! The first few days I was cranky as cranky gets! I needed to CHEW something. NOW! My poor husband :( Well, I went back to the paperwork and saw that I can have Jell-O! Now there's something I can sink my teeth into - literally! Let me tell you, I've gone through a lot of Jell-O, but it has kept me from causing anyone physical harm. Ah, the power of Jell-O!
I had my pre-op appointment a few weeks back and loaded them with questions. They say that they love it, but I can't help but question what it's like being burdened down with questions and if that hinders their schedule, etc. It's me, being an idiot, being overly sensitive, being overly considerate. I've been told that I have to take care of me and that I'm worth their time. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Haha ( you'll see why I laugh at that soon enough).
I've learned so much about nutrition and reading specific things on food labels in the past few months. This will be an uphill battle. I'm not ignorant to that fact. We will be taking a LOAD of stuff to the local food bank because I'm not strong enough to have it in the house and not eat it. I can't go to the grocery store at this point because even the smells from the bakery will have me wanting to give up on the whole surgery (ok, so maybe that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea).
I'm having protein drinks every 3-4 hours and trying my darndest to get in my 64 oz of water. The thing is, I'm trying to perfect the art of "sipping" pre-op so it won't be such a transition afterwards. Who knew sipping was an art? I'm thankful that my program allows the use of straws, which is a variable among programs. My doc's program told me (I asked specifically) that there is no definitive research to prove they provide a risk. I know there are other programs who prohibit their use. While it's going to make it difficult to get in 64 oz (which doesn't include the protein shake... BOO!), sipping also makes it very difficult to get down all of my meds (the list seems endless) and supplements/vitamins. Some of the supplements are ordered by the bariatric surgeon; others I take because they're healthy or one specifically I take to prevent or slow down macular degeneration which is now in 2 generations of my family. Well, my psych meds are a must - I absolutely, 100%, no question cannot miss those! There are also my meds for blood pressure. The cholesterol med isn't necessary for the day of surgery, nor are many of the others.
So, I guess that's the latest in the wonderful word of the hippopotamus. Now, as the world of bariatrics says: I'm getting ready to climb onto the loser's bench.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Pre-Op Work-Up
Oh my word, this has been one heck of a journey so far and I'm only just starting. It is required for all bariatric surgery candidates to have a list of clearances before surgery. I needed a psych eval and my psychologist of nearly 16 years could provide far more information than any psychiatrist they would have me talk with for a couple of hours. I needed a sleep study. Well, I already use a C-Pap, so I just had the doc print out a report of recent use. I needed some initial blood work, which I had done from my primary a few weeks prior. I mailed all of that out to them. Finally is my cardiac clearance. He wanted me to have a nuclear stress test (since I can't go running on a treadmill - if I couldn't I likely wouldn't need the surgery in the first place) and an echo. I received calls after each of these to say that the results showed no abnormalities. I see the cardiologist on Monday and assume I will have that clearance then. The surgeon's office also ordered a number of labs, but when I went to have them done, I found out that my insurance wasn't going to cover those tests under the diagnostic code they used, which had added up to well over $500 and they hadn't run all of them through. I called the nurse at the surgeon's office to see if there was another code they could use (of course without committing insurance fraud). She called the lab and there are hoops she needs to jump through.
So, the next step is an endoscopy. The doctor is willing to allow me to do it in the hospital out here in the suburbs (usually all of this is done downtown and I don't drive downtown). He is going to speak with my GI to coordinate something.
I'm drinking protein drinks one meal per day (at this point) and am having high protein yogurt at least once a day. I'm testing things out and figuring out what works. I got a special bariatric surgery cookbook and it is providing a ton of information!
We joined a gym, although my membership is suspended for now. They offer aquatic classes and I plan on doing that. I don't know when I'll be allowed back in the pool and right now, I'm just waiting to see when surgery is. In the meantime I am riding my exercise bike. I'm losing - slowly but surely, I'm losing some pounds.
I am going to see an additional therapist to deal solely with my food and eating issues. I mean, obviously I have some, since I am a hippo. I can't go back to eating the way that caused me to become this.... well.... fat. I am an emotional eater and did find a book which deals with this topic, too. Perhaps it will be a jumping off point for that therapy. We'll see. My OCD has had me create a binder of information, printed from the computer and in page protectors, divided by topic. So yeah, I'm well-versed and ready to tackle this!
When's surgery? Everyone asks and I have to explain the above process to them. Hopefully soon I can give a solid date! Excited and Terrified. That's where I stand. And I think that's normal.
So, the next step is an endoscopy. The doctor is willing to allow me to do it in the hospital out here in the suburbs (usually all of this is done downtown and I don't drive downtown). He is going to speak with my GI to coordinate something.
I'm drinking protein drinks one meal per day (at this point) and am having high protein yogurt at least once a day. I'm testing things out and figuring out what works. I got a special bariatric surgery cookbook and it is providing a ton of information!
We joined a gym, although my membership is suspended for now. They offer aquatic classes and I plan on doing that. I don't know when I'll be allowed back in the pool and right now, I'm just waiting to see when surgery is. In the meantime I am riding my exercise bike. I'm losing - slowly but surely, I'm losing some pounds.
I am going to see an additional therapist to deal solely with my food and eating issues. I mean, obviously I have some, since I am a hippo. I can't go back to eating the way that caused me to become this.... well.... fat. I am an emotional eater and did find a book which deals with this topic, too. Perhaps it will be a jumping off point for that therapy. We'll see. My OCD has had me create a binder of information, printed from the computer and in page protectors, divided by topic. So yeah, I'm well-versed and ready to tackle this!
When's surgery? Everyone asks and I have to explain the above process to them. Hopefully soon I can give a solid date! Excited and Terrified. That's where I stand. And I think that's normal.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Bariatric Update
Hey all! I figured it was time for an update, so here it is :)
My psychologist has written a letter of support and approval for me to have the surgery. When I met with the cardiologist he wanted to wait until I had a few tests before giving his ok. I had a nuclear stress test two weeks ago and an echo last week. I see him on the 15th and expect full go-ahead.
I've been testing some protein drinks/shakes and went through what the dietitian sent with a highlighter and pen. I have studied my little heart out. I'm also setting up a consult with a therapist simply for eating and food issues. I've seen her before when my psychologist was gone and she was his student.
The next step is to have an endoscopy. The nurse said that they typically wait until later in the process before scheduling this, when I called and asked it to schedule since it will require some coordination (using my GI doc with the surgeon in the room). She called and said that the surgeon will be in touch with the GI doc in the next couple of weeks.
The nurse called to tell me that she received the information I sent with my C-Pap report and most recent blood work. She expressed some concern over my triglycerides and is sending me a script for new labs (which they run anyway). My sugar levels are elevated and there is a slight debate over if I should have a diabetes diagnosis or if I can be considered pre-diabetic assuming that my levels will decrease post-op.
After the endoscopy, I was told that the surgery is scheduled about 6 weeks out. In the meantime, I'm having a protein shake for breakfast and working to keep my sweets and carbs in check. The latter is HARD! I was so cranky yesterday because I fought the urge to have some Skinny Cow chocolates. I have to at least start to make big changes and not wait until after the operation. I will be on a liquid diet for both the 2 weeks pre- and post-op, then 2 weeks of pureed food (I refuse to eat pureed chicken!).
My husband and I have joined a gym, at which I will use the pool - possibly taking an aquatics class. My membership is on hold for now until I know when surgery is. I'm sure I'll be limited after surgery and will likely not be in the pool for some time. I did speak with the location nearest to me and she said that I can always activate my membership now and then freeze it again when I have surgery. I loathe the thought of squeezing myself into a bathing suit, but the exercise may help me lose some weight and get into a routine. For now, we'll see.....
I am both excited and terrified, but I have to do it. I'll try to post more often, or at least as I have updates.
My psychologist has written a letter of support and approval for me to have the surgery. When I met with the cardiologist he wanted to wait until I had a few tests before giving his ok. I had a nuclear stress test two weeks ago and an echo last week. I see him on the 15th and expect full go-ahead.
I've been testing some protein drinks/shakes and went through what the dietitian sent with a highlighter and pen. I have studied my little heart out. I'm also setting up a consult with a therapist simply for eating and food issues. I've seen her before when my psychologist was gone and she was his student.
The next step is to have an endoscopy. The nurse said that they typically wait until later in the process before scheduling this, when I called and asked it to schedule since it will require some coordination (using my GI doc with the surgeon in the room). She called and said that the surgeon will be in touch with the GI doc in the next couple of weeks.
The nurse called to tell me that she received the information I sent with my C-Pap report and most recent blood work. She expressed some concern over my triglycerides and is sending me a script for new labs (which they run anyway). My sugar levels are elevated and there is a slight debate over if I should have a diabetes diagnosis or if I can be considered pre-diabetic assuming that my levels will decrease post-op.
After the endoscopy, I was told that the surgery is scheduled about 6 weeks out. In the meantime, I'm having a protein shake for breakfast and working to keep my sweets and carbs in check. The latter is HARD! I was so cranky yesterday because I fought the urge to have some Skinny Cow chocolates. I have to at least start to make big changes and not wait until after the operation. I will be on a liquid diet for both the 2 weeks pre- and post-op, then 2 weeks of pureed food (I refuse to eat pureed chicken!).
My husband and I have joined a gym, at which I will use the pool - possibly taking an aquatics class. My membership is on hold for now until I know when surgery is. I'm sure I'll be limited after surgery and will likely not be in the pool for some time. I did speak with the location nearest to me and she said that I can always activate my membership now and then freeze it again when I have surgery. I loathe the thought of squeezing myself into a bathing suit, but the exercise may help me lose some weight and get into a routine. For now, we'll see.....
I am both excited and terrified, but I have to do it. I'll try to post more often, or at least as I have updates.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Taking the Plunge - Here's the Skinny
So it's true. I've decided. I'm going to have bariatric surgery! I know there are a couple of choices offered by my doctor's office and that the lap band isn't one of them. I think they were finding issues with it being a foreign body and slipping, but I'm sure that's not the case for everyone.
First, I should offer some info on the two procedures my doctor does.
Gastric bypass is the more drastic surgery, as it re-routes your digestive tract. It is also a longer surgery.
There are two steps during gastric bypass (emphasis mine) surgery:
First, I should offer some info on the two procedures my doctor does.
Gastric bypass is the more drastic surgery, as it re-routes your digestive tract. It is also a longer surgery.
There are two steps during gastric bypass (emphasis mine) surgery:
- The first step makes your stomach smaller. Your surgeon uses staples to divide your stomach into a small upper section and a larger bottom section. The top section of your stomach (called the pouch) is where the food you eat will go. The pouch is about the size of a walnut. It holds only about 1 ounce (oz) of food. Because of this you will eat less and lose weight.
- The second step is the bypass. Your surgeon connects a small part of your small intestine (the jejunum) to a small hole in your pouch. The food you eat will now travel from the pouch into this new opening and into your small intestine. As a result, your body will absorb fewer calories.
In [sleeve gastrectomy, aka: gastric sleeve]
Your surgeon makes 2 to 5 small cuts (incisions) in your belly.
- The scope and instruments needed to perform the surgery are inserted through these cuts.
- The camera is connected to a video monitor in the operating room. This allows the surgeon to view inside your belly while doing the operation.
- Your surgeon removes most of your stomach.
- The remaining portions of your stomach are joined together using surgical staples. This creates a long vertical tube or banana-shaped stomach.
- The surgery does not involve cutting or changing the sphincter muscles that allow food to enter or leave the stomach.
- The scope and other tools are removed. The cuts are stitched closed.
First I have to say - Praise God for laproscopic surgery!
I have chosen to have the sleeve procedure. Of course there are a plethora of tests before I am fully approved, but some of them I've had and others are simple. I do not drive in the city. Period. I saw the doctor in a satellite office and would like to see other docs in the general area. Hey, I'm open to 4-5 counties but not, I repeat NOT the city! While he operates in the city, my husband will be taking me and bringing me home (I'll be in 1-2 days barring any unforeseeable complications), so no city driving for me! My doc is so fabulous and is willing to work with me. For the psych eval, he will take a letter from my psychologist (an eval with their doc will offer far less in depth information. I have already had a sleep study and use a C-Pap machine. I can use an affiliated cardiologist here in the 'burbs. For the endoscopy, he knows my gastroenterologist and said he'd like to coordinate that so he can be in the room and view the procedure. I've had phone consults with both the nurse and the dietitian, who have encouraged me to call with questions and they will be in touch on a regular basis to ask if I have questions and to guide me through the steps both pre-op and post-op.
Certainly, as with any surgery, there are risks. I have researched them extensively. I know how my lifestyle MUST change after surgery. Not only will I be incredibly limited with what foods and how much food I can eat, but I know I will get sick if I go against the set regimen. Right now, I am trying different protein drinks to see what I like and what I don't. That way, when I get to the time where I am limited to only those drinks, I won't have to mess around with them and learn that some are downright disgusting! I am prepared to follow the plan and to exercise as soon as I'm medically cleared and have lost enough weight that the strain on my back is minimal. I'm not so much focused on the scale, but as a self-proclaimed "fat chick" the scale will always be a tool in gauging where I stand. Of course the way clothes fit and the ability to do more and more exercise will be huge indicators as well.
Because I take so many meds and drink intake at one sitting is limited, I am concerned about that, but have already alerted my doc to that concern. I'll speak more with the dietitian and RN about that.
Certainly, as with any surgery, there are risks. I have researched them extensively. I know how my lifestyle MUST change after surgery. Not only will I be incredibly limited with what foods and how much food I can eat, but I know I will get sick if I go against the set regimen. Right now, I am trying different protein drinks to see what I like and what I don't. That way, when I get to the time where I am limited to only those drinks, I won't have to mess around with them and learn that some are downright disgusting! I am prepared to follow the plan and to exercise as soon as I'm medically cleared and have lost enough weight that the strain on my back is minimal. I'm not so much focused on the scale, but as a self-proclaimed "fat chick" the scale will always be a tool in gauging where I stand. Of course the way clothes fit and the ability to do more and more exercise will be huge indicators as well.
Because I take so many meds and drink intake at one sitting is limited, I am concerned about that, but have already alerted my doc to that concern. I'll speak more with the dietitian and RN about that.
That's all for now. If you've had the sleeve, please let me know what your experience was. If you have questions, I have a huge binder full of information!
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