Day 17 - in the Depths of Pureed Food

Part of me can't believe it's been 17 days since surgery.  Part of me can't believe it's only been 17 days since surgery.  It has been a rocky road, for sure.

I haven't need any pain meds since my last post - YAY!  I've been able to get on the bike and am up to 11.5 minutes.  It's a slow ride, but I'm moving.  I would love to take Casey for a walk (since Poly remained at daycare this week; with me still unable to bend at the waist we felt like we had no choice, plus she's happy there).  I specifically asked if I could take Casey for a walk.  She asked how big he was (ehem, 90 lbs....) and if he pulls (most definitely).  With those two answers she said it wasn't safe and I could do damage to my sleeve.  I've worked too hard to do anything risky!

So I've been sitting around, mostly avoiding everything that's on my to-do list.  Most of the stuff has basically been copied from one day to the next with little accomplishment.  I've also spent most of the week debating what this post would look like.  Unlike most of my sleeved online friends, I have no picture from the day of surgery.  I also have no pictures from my highest weight.  When you're a hippopotamus you tend to avoid the camera at all costs.  I do have a picture from a cruise last September which gives you a good idea of what I looked like.  I think this is even more than I weighed when Keith and I did the photo shoot.  I have to say, I'm still undecided.  If I'm going to post it, I might as well put the number out there, right?  All or nothing?  I'll avoid that for now and decide as I near the end of this post.

I did pretty well with the liquid diet, although I started to get hungry by the end of the 2 weeks.  I hadn't had anything solid in a long time!  At the same time, I feared the pureed diet more than I can express.  "What am I going to eat?"  "Surely they can't expect me to throw chicken in the blender?"  "I can't bear the thought of eating protein-high baby food!"  As you can imagine, there were many more thoughts along those lines.

I had my post-op appointment and both the nurse and the dietitian were pleased.  The nurse based my weight loss (just a little over a week post-op) on my 1st pre-op weight.  That may or may not be accurate.  Honestly, I have it all recorded in a calendar, I just haven't looked at the numbers.  Based on that she was pleased, but I know that between my pre-op and my 1st attempt, I lost a bunch of weight from the liquid diet.  Then I did my famous emotional eating and gained most of that back.  I worked hard to lose enough so I was, thankfully, not as fat as my 1st pre-op number.

I talked at length with the dietitian with all of my anxieties.  She said it's normal and proceeded to give me a sheet with a bunch of suggestions.  The one I assumed was egg salad (which isn't half bad, even pureed), but she had a number of suggestions.  I was still skeptical, especially given that I have to do this for 2 weeks.  The good news is that one idea is actually pretty good - and high in protein (the main goal - forever).  It's using chicken (I bought Perdue Short Cuts), plain Greek yogurt, and ranch dressing (or I could use mild taco seasoning also).  So, it's a protein drink for breakfast, 4 oz of a high protein meal for lunch and another for dinner, with another protein drink sometime during the day.  I usually save it until nighttime and then make one of the sweet ones from the cookbook I have.  There is apple pie, banana bread and a number of others.  It's pretty scrumptious... at least as far as protein shakes go.

At my first post-op, I met with the dietitian (who gave me the instructions/pureed food ideas) and the LRNP.  Everyone seemed pleased with my progress.  They told me that they anticipate a 20 lb loss in the first month.  I think that I'll be near that, but my 2nd appt, which is supposed to be a month from surgery will only be 3 weeks (so I can see him in the 'burbs).  I'll have a little wiggle room as far as loss is concerned.  I am following the post-op orders to the letter and have increased my exercise daily.

Yes, I overdo it and yes, I pay for it that day and/or the next.  I try to not do too much.  I am also stubborn as all get-out and want to push myself.  I want to find my limit without passing it.  I want to take this opportunity and not screw anything up.  I can't screw it up.  I've worked too hard.  The thing is, for the rottenness of clearances leading up to the surgery and the pretty awful first attempt, this post-op regimen is incredibly difficult.  It's going to kill me to keep away from carbs until I get closer to my goal weight.

Goal weight?  When I asked the LRNP about that, she said what they use as a determination is an antiquated chart.  They anticipate a 55-60% loss of my excess body weight.  The rest is up to me - all me.  It's following the diet - the very strict eating plan - and getting my exercise in.  As soon as I'm cleared by the doctor to do so, I'll be activating my membership at the gym and begin water aerobics.  When I'm strong enough, I am considering working with a personal trainer, but that's not exactly free.  One thing at a time.

It's frustrating when people say that surgery is the "easy way out" because they have NO CLUE!  The prep and clearances were killer, but little did I realize (as much as I read about it) that the real work starts now.  It's HARD.  The "diet" is hard.  The exercise is hard (and can get painful when I do too much).  Meeting weight expectations is hard.  Having regular doctor appointments to follow-up is hard (1 week, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year and then every year thereafter).  So yeah, the real worked started 17 days ago.

I've been writing this on and off all day and think I have decided (if so, you can see above) that I will post the picture.  Yes, it has a number on it, but I will never let myself reach that number again.  I will not screw this up.  I cannot!

As an aside, I saw the EOB for my surgery and including the upper GI test, all the meds, the 2 nights in the hospital, the anesthesia, etc., the total was over $78K!!  I am SO thankful for my primary insurance plan because I won't have to pay anywhere near that amount.  Praise God!  Truly, I left this in His hands and prayed for those 5 months between my initial appointment with the surgeon to the day of surgery.

The "incisions" weren't too big, although one of them, the largest - about 2"-3" - still had steristrips on it yesterday.  They had rolled upwards and downwards and the only part which remained attached I slowly removed.  That area is where they did all the work and the "incision" is about 2-3 inches long and my stomach sort of puckers in there (as well as one other "incision").  Today I felt a lot of pain in that area and my Mom (a nurse) gave a suggestion of how to cover it.

I try to only wear the binding document when I go out or at night.  I haven't taken any Tylenol.  I do the breathing device far less often.  And I continue to write down everything that goes in and out of my body, as well as documenting my temperature twice daily.  I don't know if that's still necessary, but, as you've read - I WILL NOT SCREW THIS UP!

So, you'll see that I posted the picture.  Like I said, all or nothing.  If I'm not going to be honest here, behind a computer, how can I be real in my offline world?

I know this will be a long hard road.  But it's a journey I have to take; that I have to continue.

The Long and Short of It

Fact: I did everything asked of me between 12/30 and 4/26, including blood work, a drug test, a nuclear stress test, an echocardiogram, a psych clearance and more.
Fact: I've had countless conversations with the nurses and dietitian at the surgeon's office.
Fact: I did 2 weeks pre-op of a liquid-only diet (which is nothing shy of torture).
Fact: My husband took a day off of work the day of my surgery.
Fact: My attempt at a vertical sleeve gastrectomy on 4/26 failed due to dangerously low blood pressure and oxygen levels.
Fact: I had multiple checks of my blood pressure at my PCP's office after finally discontinuing one of my blood pressure medications

Now that we have that out of the way...

I am back on the liquid diet, but true to his word, the surgeon is only making me endure one week of liquids (oh, and FYI: don't bother plain broth unless you have no interest in taste).  Thanks to a dear friend from church, I was introduced to a whole new world (is anyone else singing the song from Aladdin?) of sugar-free coffee syrups and no longer limited to the 3 options at Target.  Don't get me wrong, but they were getting a bit dull.  So I discovered that there is an entirely separate brand of these syrups and it's life-altering.  Ok, that may sound extreme to you, but please know that I am not exaggerating.  Keith would have long-since killed me had I been limited to chocolate and vanilla.  I can also enjoy sugar-free Jell-O!  Who would have thought that would warrant a WOO HOO?!?

So, what does all of this mean?  It means that I am scheduled for surgery this coming Tuesday, 5/24!  I admit that I'm having a hard time getting as excited this time around.  I fear something else will go wrong and I'll be destroyed again.  Let me make it clear that LOGICALLY and INTELLECTUALLY, I know that I did everything I was supposed to, to the letter.  However, there is part of me that feels like, had I done something different or better, I would have a month's jump on my recovery.  I should be beyond another 2 weeks of liquids AND the dreaded 2 weeks of pureed food.  I should be adding in "human" food now.  I should be trying foods, a little at a time to see what the sleeve will tolerate.  As one of my doctors would say "I'm should-ing all over this situation."

Now that it's almost the weekend and then there's only one day left of Keith being at work, we'll be headed to the hospital... well, now I'm starting to get a little cheery.  I pray that will turn into outright excitement by Tuesday morning.

For now, I'll drink (sugar-free, non-carbonated, and while I rarely do, non-alcoholic) and I'll enjoy some Jell-O.  I think I should get a royalty for that one, but for now, I'll just enjoy it.

I have been consistent (since my initial junk food pity party), I have been on that exercise bike.  I'm up to 15 minutes and doing about 5 miles +/- .  In fact, I bought a TV for Keith to mount on the wall in the room where the bike is.  Right now, I spend the first part of my ride ( varying) praying, but after that, there is little to do but watch the numbers: the seconds tick by, the distance trudges along, and the calories... well, that's just downright depressing!  I know the TV will help and with Amazon Prime, I'll have a choice of non-daytime television options.

For now, let the countdown continue.

Pondering

I've been pondering this blog post for awhile now.  In fact I'm not entirely sure what I want to say and what not to say.

My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it.  I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel.  Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up.  I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily.  It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.

Weight related it's not pretty.  I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?).  It's a frustrating battle.  This food thing?  It's HARD!  My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight.  My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement.  We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it).  Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone.  Now she knows and she still does this.  It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional.  She needs to lose weight herself.  I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.

We've had things going on with all of our critters.  I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself.  I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.

For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years.  Well, all are back now.  My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried!  We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment.  We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us.  It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know.  Is it really anyone's business?  I don't know how to answer that.  I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents?  They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it.  Who knows?  I'm just really upset.  I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father.  He abandoned us when I was 13.  He married the reason for the divorce.  On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44.  Needless to say, that didn't last long.  Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements.  It was my Mom and that was it.  Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house.  For my  birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter.  Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem?  How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team.  I was not active outside of dance.  Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?

I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often.  I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me.  I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.

It was this odd existence for a long time.  My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not.  I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house.  I did not.  I rarely used those toiletries.  He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer.  There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers.  One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class.  It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent.  I just didn't have time to go home.

Question:  I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight.  I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure.  I took dance very seriously.  Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again.  I was an average size.  I looked good.  I looked balanced.  But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off.  Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight?  Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?

Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed.  I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed.  I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense.  Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.