Post-Panniculectomy

So it happened!  The surgery actually happened!!  To be clear, the exclamation points are out of excitement for the fact that there wasn't another delay.  It is not indicative of me feeling top notch.  Surgery was just a week ago, mind you...

The day went fairly smoothly.  I got there and spoke with the typical dozen people telling them the same information, but I'd prefer that than to have them make mistakes.  The surgeon came in and I held my breath has he lifted that sagging skin, praying (even though he cleared me 2 days prior) that he would still be comfortable with what he saw... and he was!

Evidently surgery took around an hour and a half and he repaired a small hernia I had while he was in there.  I woke up in a fair amount of pain - as expected.  I mean, a hip to hip incision is going to cause some pain.  For the first 12 hours (maybe) I got morphine to help with the pain.  As soon as I had some food in me and my nausea calmed down they switched me to an oral med of some sort.  It's sort of blurry.  I did spend the night in the hospital.  The surgeon showed a picture to hubby of the skin he removed.  It was 5 lbs and about 3 ft long!  I'm so eager to see what I look like when my body returns to its new normal!

My doctor is so kind.  Either my nurse or med tech told me that he called Saturday  morning to find out how my night was.  And then he came in himself to discharge me on Saturday.  I'm pretty sure I was the only reason he came in.  He wasn't in a lab coat and was very relaxed (not that he isn't always).

Saturday afternoon I came home and have been chilling out here at home recovering.  I have these surgical drains and they're pretty much of a headache.  I have to empty them every 8 hours and track the output.  When I was discharged, the doctor initially said that he wanted to see me on Wednesday, but after (I assume) reading the nursing notes he said that he wasn't thrilled with the drainage output and wanted to see me on Monday instead.  I admit I was a little freaked out.  I am that person... the person who falls in the small percentage of side effects or risk factors.

I saw the doctor on Monday.  Hub's new job has been a true blessing, as he's able to work his schedule around these appointments as long as he gets his hours in.  So he took his lunch break and a little extra to get me to the doctor and then just worked a little later that day -- all from home.  A true blessing.

So now I have these drains, like I said.  They come out of me in a very awkward place and at the end of them are these grenade shaped bulbs which collect the fluid.  I've been sleeping a fair amount, but I figure that's pretty common after a big surgery.  I have stayed awake during the daytime, but have been in bed for 12 hours.  The past couple of days I've emptied the drains at 6 hours since I seem to be downstairs for about 12 and figure the halfway point would be better.  Today, however, I decided just to do them at 12 hours - when I come downstairs and when I go back up.  I'll see what the output is like at that point.  It's a bit atypical for me to not follow doctors orders to the letter, but as long as I'm documenting them and the output has lessened from last weekend (and it has), I see no harm in it.

So now I have this incision from one hip to the next along my bikini line.  I have internal stitches and some sort of adhesive medical glue on the outside, which is starting to peel.  My belly button seems to be in an odd place, but when I saw the surgeon on Monday he said that I'm still about 70% swollen so we'll see when my abdomen settles down where my belly button falls.  It's weird, isn't it?  To think about where a belly button is?  It's weird.  But so am I... so there ya have it ;)

Starting Tuesday I didn't take a pain pill first thing.  Then Wednesday it wasn't until 3 pm that I needed it.  Last night at 10 pm the pain started to get really intense so I took a pill before going to bed.  So far today, it's not quite 9:30 pm an no pain pill, although I'm itchy as all get-out so am taking some Benadryl.  Thankfully a Facebook group I'm in mentioned having this on hand, so I got it before surgery!

My biggest thing now is the drains and praying that the surgeon will ok their removal on Monday.  I'm in better shape than I expected, but am still moving very gingerly.  Getting comfortable isn't always easy, but thankfully I have a special recliner for my back and can adjust it as I need.  My appetite is fine and I'm still getting in my 64 oz of liquid every day - no problem!  That answers those questions LOL

How do you feel?

I often hear the statement "you must feel SO much better."  Wow, define "better" if you would, please.  Do I have a stamina for physical activity I lacked at 326 pounds?  Without a doubt!  Do I feel less ashamed by my appearance, especially when meeting new people or seeing people I haven't seen for years?  For sure!  Am I relieved to not be the proverbial (and literal, it felt like) elephant in the room while being totally invisible all at the same time?  You bet!

But do I feel better?  That's a loaded question in my world.  You see, I feel.  I feel deeply.  I feel pain.  I feel the pain of fibromyalgia.  I feel the pain of a mental illness.  I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor.  Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels."  In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings.  I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that.  There is no box of cookies to numb that.

Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again.  It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place.  It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling.  But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse.  This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.

I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me.  Not in the physical sense.  Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into.  But stress is a thief.  For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health.  Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.

I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight.  I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.

I work with a trainer twice a week.  Do I feel like getting up and going to work out?  Not usually.  I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits.  In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym.  But I do it.  It doesn't feel good.  I do it because I know I need to.  I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.

This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.

I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe.  I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business.  But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this.  For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success.  I was a social worker.  It's in my blood to help people.  Now helping just looks different than it did.  I help people find solutions to problems.  I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser.  That...that is success.  Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped?  It's not likely.  I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves.  But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely.  I have had to redefine success.  I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people.  That is success for me.

Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)?  I'd like to think so.  In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval).  A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey.  It's a long and tedious operation.  It carries some risk.  But he sees it as a good thing for me.  He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery.  Am I at my goal weight yet?  Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was.  I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing.  I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote.  In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal.  I won't get on the scale.  I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success.  But this surgery feels like the next step.

So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness.  But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption.  There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.

Do I feel better?  That's complicated.

Day 17 - in the Depths of Pureed Food

Part of me can't believe it's been 17 days since surgery.  Part of me can't believe it's only been 17 days since surgery.  It has been a rocky road, for sure.

I haven't need any pain meds since my last post - YAY!  I've been able to get on the bike and am up to 11.5 minutes.  It's a slow ride, but I'm moving.  I would love to take Casey for a walk (since Poly remained at daycare this week; with me still unable to bend at the waist we felt like we had no choice, plus she's happy there).  I specifically asked if I could take Casey for a walk.  She asked how big he was (ehem, 90 lbs....) and if he pulls (most definitely).  With those two answers she said it wasn't safe and I could do damage to my sleeve.  I've worked too hard to do anything risky!

So I've been sitting around, mostly avoiding everything that's on my to-do list.  Most of the stuff has basically been copied from one day to the next with little accomplishment.  I've also spent most of the week debating what this post would look like.  Unlike most of my sleeved online friends, I have no picture from the day of surgery.  I also have no pictures from my highest weight.  When you're a hippopotamus you tend to avoid the camera at all costs.  I do have a picture from a cruise last September which gives you a good idea of what I looked like.  I think this is even more than I weighed when Keith and I did the photo shoot.  I have to say, I'm still undecided.  If I'm going to post it, I might as well put the number out there, right?  All or nothing?  I'll avoid that for now and decide as I near the end of this post.

I did pretty well with the liquid diet, although I started to get hungry by the end of the 2 weeks.  I hadn't had anything solid in a long time!  At the same time, I feared the pureed diet more than I can express.  "What am I going to eat?"  "Surely they can't expect me to throw chicken in the blender?"  "I can't bear the thought of eating protein-high baby food!"  As you can imagine, there were many more thoughts along those lines.

I had my post-op appointment and both the nurse and the dietitian were pleased.  The nurse based my weight loss (just a little over a week post-op) on my 1st pre-op weight.  That may or may not be accurate.  Honestly, I have it all recorded in a calendar, I just haven't looked at the numbers.  Based on that she was pleased, but I know that between my pre-op and my 1st attempt, I lost a bunch of weight from the liquid diet.  Then I did my famous emotional eating and gained most of that back.  I worked hard to lose enough so I was, thankfully, not as fat as my 1st pre-op number.

I talked at length with the dietitian with all of my anxieties.  She said it's normal and proceeded to give me a sheet with a bunch of suggestions.  The one I assumed was egg salad (which isn't half bad, even pureed), but she had a number of suggestions.  I was still skeptical, especially given that I have to do this for 2 weeks.  The good news is that one idea is actually pretty good - and high in protein (the main goal - forever).  It's using chicken (I bought Perdue Short Cuts), plain Greek yogurt, and ranch dressing (or I could use mild taco seasoning also).  So, it's a protein drink for breakfast, 4 oz of a high protein meal for lunch and another for dinner, with another protein drink sometime during the day.  I usually save it until nighttime and then make one of the sweet ones from the cookbook I have.  There is apple pie, banana bread and a number of others.  It's pretty scrumptious... at least as far as protein shakes go.

At my first post-op, I met with the dietitian (who gave me the instructions/pureed food ideas) and the LRNP.  Everyone seemed pleased with my progress.  They told me that they anticipate a 20 lb loss in the first month.  I think that I'll be near that, but my 2nd appt, which is supposed to be a month from surgery will only be 3 weeks (so I can see him in the 'burbs).  I'll have a little wiggle room as far as loss is concerned.  I am following the post-op orders to the letter and have increased my exercise daily.

Yes, I overdo it and yes, I pay for it that day and/or the next.  I try to not do too much.  I am also stubborn as all get-out and want to push myself.  I want to find my limit without passing it.  I want to take this opportunity and not screw anything up.  I can't screw it up.  I've worked too hard.  The thing is, for the rottenness of clearances leading up to the surgery and the pretty awful first attempt, this post-op regimen is incredibly difficult.  It's going to kill me to keep away from carbs until I get closer to my goal weight.

Goal weight?  When I asked the LRNP about that, she said what they use as a determination is an antiquated chart.  They anticipate a 55-60% loss of my excess body weight.  The rest is up to me - all me.  It's following the diet - the very strict eating plan - and getting my exercise in.  As soon as I'm cleared by the doctor to do so, I'll be activating my membership at the gym and begin water aerobics.  When I'm strong enough, I am considering working with a personal trainer, but that's not exactly free.  One thing at a time.

It's frustrating when people say that surgery is the "easy way out" because they have NO CLUE!  The prep and clearances were killer, but little did I realize (as much as I read about it) that the real work starts now.  It's HARD.  The "diet" is hard.  The exercise is hard (and can get painful when I do too much).  Meeting weight expectations is hard.  Having regular doctor appointments to follow-up is hard (1 week, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year and then every year thereafter).  So yeah, the real worked started 17 days ago.

I've been writing this on and off all day and think I have decided (if so, you can see above) that I will post the picture.  Yes, it has a number on it, but I will never let myself reach that number again.  I will not screw this up.  I cannot!

As an aside, I saw the EOB for my surgery and including the upper GI test, all the meds, the 2 nights in the hospital, the anesthesia, etc., the total was over $78K!!  I am SO thankful for my primary insurance plan because I won't have to pay anywhere near that amount.  Praise God!  Truly, I left this in His hands and prayed for those 5 months between my initial appointment with the surgeon to the day of surgery.

The "incisions" weren't too big, although one of them, the largest - about 2"-3" - still had steristrips on it yesterday.  They had rolled upwards and downwards and the only part which remained attached I slowly removed.  That area is where they did all the work and the "incision" is about 2-3 inches long and my stomach sort of puckers in there (as well as one other "incision").  Today I felt a lot of pain in that area and my Mom (a nurse) gave a suggestion of how to cover it.

I try to only wear the binding document when I go out or at night.  I haven't taken any Tylenol.  I do the breathing device far less often.  And I continue to write down everything that goes in and out of my body, as well as documenting my temperature twice daily.  I don't know if that's still necessary, but, as you've read - I WILL NOT SCREW THIS UP!

So, you'll see that I posted the picture.  Like I said, all or nothing.  If I'm not going to be honest here, behind a computer, how can I be real in my offline world?

I know this will be a long hard road.  But it's a journey I have to take; that I have to continue.

Day 7 Post-Op

Alrighty then...  Where to start?

Surgery day was a long one!  After an initial call to arrive at the hospital at 11:15, they called later and asked if 8:45 would work.  Heck yeah!  The earlier the better.  It meant leaving the house super early because of traffic headed downtown, but that's not at all a complaint!  I got changed into the hospital gown (the paper pre-op one -- it does have cute little paw prints on it, though), my Pastor and a church friend who had come to the last "attempt" arrived and we sat.  And sat.  And sat.  I think they finally took me back to the pre-op area around 1 pm.  Certainly none of us expected that.  I was there for a bit as the struggled to find a vein.  Again, they found one good enough to put me under and poked, prodded, stuck and tortured my poor body before even beginning the surgery.  One interesting note: I had anesthesiologists on either side of me looking for veins.
One of them finally went and got a vein finder (image courtesy of http://www.qtechnologiesgroup.co.uk/local-community-fundraise-for-new-vein-finder-accuvein/) although I have no idea of the brand.  I was too busy watching this thing and sort of fascinated by it.  I've always had difficult veins.  Pretty cool, right?

Perhaps I should pick one of these up (for upteen dollars) and carry it with me!  Yes, so while the vein finder was keeping my attention to my right, the woman on the left found a vein good enough to get me under.  I'll tell you, when I woke up I found all sorts of bandages from failed attempts.  Hey, at least I was asleep, right?

The one thing  One of the things I wasn't expecting was having a jugular central line.  The doc wanted to be on the safe side and said it's the easiest way to get meds to elevate blood pressure, should that happen again.  Sadly, they kept it in the entire time and it was a bit annoying, but I survived.

Remembering that I am.... well.... me, things didn't go 100% as planned and the surgeon found adhesions from my gall bladder removal which he had to address.  Once that was out of the way, he proceeded forward.

Something else I wasn't expecting was the level of pain and the amount of nausea.  Sure I knew there would be a ton, especially the first day, but when, by day 3, I was still having a hard time getting down the mandatory 4 oz of water hourly, I was taken aback.  Heck, once I had 5 oz and was sure I was going to lose it.  Yep, that's how small my stomach is - well, at least when it's all swollen and irritated from surgery.  While the surgery went (mostly) according to plan, I was given the option to stay at the hospital until Friday, while most leave on Thursday.  I was up and lapping the unit and was keeping up with my fluids so was ok'd to leave on Thursday.  I decided that I'll heal better with more sleep - because honestly, does anyone actually sleep in the hospital?  They gave me a special pillow to push against my belly when I cough or laugh or do anything else that puts strain on my core muscles and it has helped a lot.  So I know I'm super out-of-shape, but I had NO idea how often I use my core muscles.  Just getting in and out of a chair or (forgive me) on and off the toilet was downright excruciating the 2nd day (after they removed the catheter).

Sleep.  It's not as easy as one would think.  I'm not allowed to twist, nor am I to bend from the waist or lift more than 15 lbs.  It's absolutely better than being jabbed and poked all night long.  However, even sleeping in my usual position has me twisting a bit, which I never realized.  I have taken pillows and propped my middle section up a bit so I'm more aligned.  Bert, unfortunately, likes to lay there; it's his nighttime spot.  I've had to "encourage" him to move more than once since Thursday.

I'm keeping a book with everything that comes in (and goes out) of my body, as well as pain levels and I am supposed to take my temperature twice daily.  That all goes in my book.  I'm also keeping a general mood record in there for my personal record-keeping.  With my follow-up on Thursday, I don't want my horrible memory to kick in and wind up saying "I don't know" to a bunch of really important questions.

I'm still doing the liquid diet and am to get 4-6 oz hourly of liquid.  I started off with ginger tea when I first got home (iced it like crazy) and am now doing Crystal Light, and even doing some broth and consumee.  Some nights what Keith makes for himself smells delicious, but always simultaneously makes me nauseas.  That Thursday (although it may have been Wednesday -- it's so easy to lose time in the hospital) the nurse told me she was all-but prohibited from giving me anti-nausea meds.  This will be my "new normal" for a bit and I have to get used to it.  So, I've toughened up and done what I can.  Thankfully, all has stayed down.

I think I've mentioned before that I fear my depression meds will decrease my metabolism, hence slow my weight loss.  The surgery will absolutely affect my meds and how they are absorbed.  I don't know if that means I will have to decrease (hopefully) or increase dosages.  I also had normal blood pressure in the hospital and since I was being monitored 24/7 and not getting any BP meds, the doc sent me home not taking it.  My PCP was ok with that.  My sugars were also normal given that I was on a constant "sugar saline" drip.

I have essentially stopped pain meds, although did take a dose of liquid (i.e., kids) Tylenol for a headache.  There's no need to take narcotics for that.  I'll speak with the LRNP at my post-op appointment this week about what vitamins and supplements I should take.  I actually like the calcium - it's a nice sweet treat twice a day.

Poly was in daycare today (and all week).  Since I'm not allowed to bend over at the waist, I can't put her leash on and since she won't come when she's called (and will bark like a maniac), she needs to be leashed.  Casey has been bummed today, but he's good for me.  I just wish I could sit in the sofa with him so I could snuggle.  I think a good snuggle would do me good.

This evening, hubby had to rush home from work to pick up Poly from work so he could help me get Bert in the carrier so we could take him to the vet.  Just to add to the stress going on right now, Bert has to stay at the vet overnight (Tori isn't happy and will start howling/yelling at us when she realizes he isn't there at bedtime).  He hasn't been using the litter box to urinate; rather, he thinks the sofa in the spare bedroom is a better place.  Thankfully we have vinyl car seat covers for the dogs, so we put them down so there is no damage to the sofa.  He actually only ruined a pillow.  There were sheets covering some clothes I had there and the clothes on top were still in their bags - they never fit... that is not YET!

So, I know I rambled quite a bit and this is rather garbled.  Please forgive me.  I've been working on this on and off all day in the midst of a bunch of other things.  Any repetition is unintentional, as is any disjointedness.

I hopped on the scale yesterday - hubby was home and I can't bend at the waist, so I can't even get to it.  I've lost.... <drum roll please>...... 2.2 pounds.  Honestly I'm not upset about this.  I'm still swollen inside and my body is holding on to the liquids I'm consuming.  If it doesn't pick up in a month, that'll be a different story!

I think that's enough storytelling and drama for today.  Hopefully I'll soon be snoring away....

Please...I Need Some Advice

I'll keep this short and sweet.  If you are a person who is overweight, who is an emotional eater, who is bulimic, who is anorexic, who eats beyond to the point of being full, who thinks about food more than just at mealtimes (see other questions below).... what are your thoughts and feelings about OA (Overeaters Anonymous)?  Have you gone to any meetings or know someone who has?  Was it a good experience?

I have taken the following from their website:

Is OA For You?

Are You a Compulsive Overeater?

Now that you have found Overeaters Anonymous, you may want to make sure our program is right for you. Many of us have found it useful to answer the following questions to help determine if we have a problem with compulsive eating.

1. Do I eat when I’m not hungry, or not eat when my body needs nourishment?
2. Do I go on eating binges for no apparent reason, sometimes eating until I’m stuffed or even feel sick?
3. Do I have feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment about my weight or the way I eat?
4. Do I eat sensibly in front of others and then make up for it when I am alone?
5. Is my eating affecting my health or the way I live my life?
6. When my emotions are intense—whether positive or negative—do I find myself reaching for food?
7. Do my eating behaviors make me or others unhappy?
8. Have I ever used laxatives, vomiting, diuretics, excessive exercise, diet pills, shots or other medical interventions (including surgery) to try to control my weight?
9. Do I fast or severely restrict my food intake to control my weight?
10. Do I fantasize about how much better life would be if I were a different size or weight?
11. Do I need to chew or have something in my mouth all the time: food, gum, mints, candies or beverages?
12. Have I ever eaten food that is burned, frozen or spoiled; from containers in the grocery store; or out of the garbage?
13. Are there certain foods I can’t stop eating after having the first bite?
14. Have I lost weight with a diet or “period of control” only to be followed by bouts of uncontrolled eating and/or weight gain?
15. Do I spend too much time thinking about food, arguing with myself about whether or what to eat, planning the next diet or exercise cure, or counting calories?

Have you answered “yes” to several of these questions? If so, it is possible that you have, or are well on your way to having, a compulsive eating or overeating problem.

I am giving serious consideration to this (with "encouragement" of my therapist)  He has gone to the extent of researching which meetings are good and which are flops (like the one and only one I've ever been to) and finding me a contact he knows.  There is a Saturday morning meeting about 35-45 minutes away, but UGH!  However, I get up with the dogs at 7:00 am anyway, so I'm not really missing out on any sleep - except for the occasional nap after I feed them.

I am totally an emotional eater - good or bad - celebration or mourning/depressed/drowning my sorrows/etc.  That is something I need to address.  I'm terrified and simply want to know anyone else's feelings, thoughts, etc.

Their general webiste is oa.org; the above link came from here.  The site is jam-packed with information and is worth just browsing if you feel like you fit into any of these categories, or know of anyone who may - just don't push it on them.  They/I have to be willing to go independent of being told to do so.  Oh, I guess I should be clear here: my therapist isn't forcing me to go, but really is encouraging and helping get past the anxiety.


Any advice???

(PS: sorry for any typos or weird sentences, if I've gone to change something and didn't fully remove what I thought was a better way to say something; my wrist still hasn't totally recovered so typing is pretty painful.  I'm also exhausted - 11:30 pm and the depression gives me no energy to review it.  Thanks for your understanding!)

When is Enough Enough?

So, my appointments have been somewhat scattered and for that I am thankful.

As for the past few days:
Friday: migraine
Saturday: migraine hangover (which you understand if you get these monsters)
Sunday: left in the middle of Sunday school to head to the ER with what turned out to be kidney stones (which had, thankfully, already passed)
Monday: kidney stone hangover day

On a better note, a friend posted this blog entry to her Facebook page and with summertime nearing, I just had to share.  She is a woman I inspire to be; a woman who is comfortable in her body and accepting who she is.

I want to be a woman who accepts who she is as she is, even while trying to make changes.  We are all on a journey and if we can stop at any given moment and say "hey, I'm ok exactly as I am," well, that's success.  I know that God accepts me.  The problem comes in when I enter the picture.

Who else is touched by this blog?  Who can relate?  Who is accepting of yourself, regardless of height, weight, brain power, disability... and the list can go on and on...  Who respects themselves?  Where are you on your journey??

Warning: Medical Ranting, Venting, and Complaining Ahead

Don't say I didn't warn you!

In the next 2 weeks I am scheduled for something nearly every day.  FYI: last week wasn't much better.  But I digress...

• We're talking aquatic therapy 3 times each week.
• There is therapy once a week.
• I saw my psychiatrist this morning (and traffic was a mess, so was taking some deep <fat girl> breaths as I made it to my appointment)
• I have the CT urogram this week - where they catheterize me and inject a dye in my bladder, then follow it with a CT (hence the name LOL)
• I had blood work to do before I could do the CT
• I will be seeing the physiatrist for a follow-up
• There is the oh-so-fun EMG at the neurologist's to evaluate my carpal tunnel
• Then I see the hand specialist the day after the EMG to see where things stand, since I had the cortisone shots in both hands during two separate visits.
• A week after the CT, I will see a urogynecologist who will do some sort of test requiring catheterization
• I am on a committee for a seminar at my church.  I have a meeting for that tomorrow night.  The event is on Saturday.

I can barely breathe just typing it.

Now, I did contact the physiatrist this afternoon to let her know that I fell on Friday.  In the basement.  Onto the concrete.  I'm in some serious pain.  My back seems worse.  My right knee took a hit.  My right ankle twisted when I landed.  I think some damage was done to my left ankle, on which I had surgery that had me laid up for the better part of 2 months.

Yeah, I'm cranky.

I'm a stress eater.

I'm trying to get back onto the Weight Watchers program.

This does not add up.  But.... I won't be home very often to be tempted.  Oy!

As a PS: I know that most people would be envious of my schedule.  I just have to respond by saying that I am bipolar currently in a depression so severe the docs have talked of me being hospitalized.  Oh, and my agoraphobia has surfaced a little bit, so going out, especially by myself, is pretty scary.  So, I'll go back to working full-time if I could get rid of some of this junk!!!  I'll leave it at that.

I want to add Bible study to this list.  It's something I look forward to each week, but it makes life (and dinner!) more insane.

Thank you if you've made it to the end of this post.

Obvious

I don't want my blog to be all about being fat.  I mean, this is a fat chicks musings and not musings about being a fat chick.  That said...

If you're a fat person - not just 25 or even 50 pounds overweight - you become the center of attention just by the nature of being fat.  I have over 100 pounds to lose.  It's unfathomable!  It's a whole person worth of weight.

Let me clarify my comment about being 25- or 50-pounds overweight.  I felt enormous when I carried this amount of extra weight.  When I lost 40 lbs before my wedding, people took notice.  If I lose 40 lbs now -- well, it sure wouldn't be as noticeable.  Carrying 50 extra pounds isn't healthy and I don't want to say that anyone at that weight shouldn't lose it.  I just want to be clear about that.

When I fell in March of this year it was in a park, therefore not in some private environment.  Someone came over to me and asked my husband if he needed help getting me up.  Can you say "ashamed?"  It happened another time, earlier than that.  One person saw me fall and asked if she could grab someone else to help me up.  It was dreadful.

Now, when I began to creep further and further up the BMI chart, I became an obvious human being.  There's no staying in the corner.  No hiding.  This is a big deal.  I feel like people are staring at me all the time.  Kids DO stare.  They don't know better, but it sure is upsetting.

My weight is obvious.

It is obvious that I can no longer eveb shop in "plus size" departments... or "women's" as some stores advertise (presumably to be politically correct).

It is obvious to the point where every doctor I see tells me to lose weight.  This isn't just a PCP or cardiologist... we're talking the ENT and the dentist!

It is obvious that I'm fat.

I am obvious.

At this point, I am working towards not getting those embarrassing stares.  And while I'm doing that I hope that my husband will be less ashamed of me.  Ok he as never actually said it and he carries a bunch of extra weight, too.  But, how humiliating to be with someone who is a hippo?  Sure I'm trying to drop a bunch of weight for myself -- I've proven time and time again that if my motivation is anything outside of myself, I will ultimately fail and will regain far more than I lose to begin with.

Yes, I am obvious.  Yes, I am trying to become less obvious.

Frustrated

The title just about sums it up.

Now, where to start?

I am a born-again Christian.  I'm sure some people will stop reading immediately and unsubscribe.  And you know what?  I'm good with that.  I mean, I don't want anyone to go.  I'm starting with small enough numbers as it is.  But it's true.  I am a sinner and I am sure that God has forgiven me through the life and death/sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ.  I tell you that because I want to lay that on the table and give you a filter through which you can use for future posts and comments.

So, my church of nearly 14 years has dissolved.  It was a church plant, meaning that a larger church saw a need in this neck of the woods.  My understanding is that specifically for my church, there were a lot of people at the larger church who lived in my area and a church plant would offer them a place to worship nearer their homes.

Now that I've gone on and on about that...

The closing of my church leaves me looking for a new church family.  That is the source of some frustration and certainly a lot of stress!  There is a church we've been attending for several months now.  We like love the preaching.  The pastor, his wife, and their 4 kids are amazing.  I guess a big hindrance for us is the music.  MrB's main ministry involvement is in music.  He really enjoys playing on the worship team and did so most every week at our last church.  We've spoken with the pastor of the "new" church and he would really like to update the music.  It seems the big snag is how some of the older members of the church might react to more contemporary music.  The pastor will be speaking with others on the elder board to see if it would be possible to add some "beat" into the songs.

I'm absolutely bogged down with medical stuff.  One doctor refers me to another doctor who orders tests, or at least another doctor to discuss if a test is necessary.  It's crazy.  I've been prioritizing the urgency of each appt or test.  The pile of papers I have from doctors is insane.  I'm trying to keep organized, but it's hard.  First and foremost I have to try to keep current the diagnoses and medication for existing conditions.  That already means a ton of appts and labs.  Some of the docs to whom I've been referred consider me a new patient, either because it's been so long since I've been, or because I am actually a new patient.  This means that it's a long time before there is a new patient appt available.  Meanwhile other stuff is on hold until those appts occur and/or until I can have a specific test.  Needless to say it's another source of frustration, for sure.

Sir Groundhog.  At least that's what we call him.  He travels between the yards of several people in the neighborhood.  Needless to say, our yard is one of those "blessed" yards.  I'm sure I've mentioned that we have two dogs (as well as two cats).  These dogs are wild about Sir Groundhog.  They literally go wild.  There is incessant barking and vertical jumping.  The video to the right is what I mean.  Ok, evidently the video refuses to load onto this page.  Grrrr!  And I just went looking for an emoticon for the "grrrr" and don't see them anywhere.  Grrrr squared!

Ok, just throwing it out there -- I'm frustrated with being FAT!  My weight has fluctuated ever since I was a kid.  I'm pretty sure I've already posted about that and it's not really vital to today.  Anyway my weight has gone up and down, mostly up in the past decade.  I weigh more than 100 lbs than I did when I stopped working in late 2000.  100 pounds.  Let that sit with you for a minute.  I have to say that I'm on a bunch of meds and many of the cause weight gain and/or slow my metabolism.  I do have a number of medical conditions which preclude my ability to workout like a "normal" preson.  Add to the mix that I'm in my early 40s and it's a recipe for failure.  It's not an excuse, just a statement of fact.  I was all ready to join a gym a couple of months back... and to get a personal trainer.  When I mentioned some of the major physical stuff he said that he wanted a doc's clearance before he'd work with me.  That has turned into a nightmare of coordinating physician's service and the joy of hours on the phone with the insurance company.  All that to say I'm stuck in this place...  If I may make a sports reference (and only because MrB had the game on), it's like a baseball player running back and forth between two bases.

I could continue my rant and my griping, but I'm sure I did enough of that for now (and for a long time to come).  I've been working on this for several days now, getting distracted with the dogs, email, searching for new blinds, etc.  Perhaps that explains the length.  Either that or I'm making excuses again...

The Joys of Physical Therapy

Yep, I'm in PT.  The results of my MRI are in.  I've done an excellent job.  My motto: "If you're going to do it, do it well!"  It seems I followed through on this one.  I have a few torn ligaments, a messed up tendon and a badly bruised bone - all on my left ankle.  Yep.  I did a good job.

I went to the yucky doctor, got the MRI results and scheduled a follow-up planning to cancel it (well before the date).  He looked at the MRI disc and told me about the ligaments and bone finds (as I think I already wrote about).  My good doc appointment was set for 8/9 and I was good to go.  I woke up on Monday, 7/15 to a call from the good doc's office - I was on the cancellation list and they had an opening at 2:30 THAT DAY and could I make it.  SOLD, I'll be there!!

He had a hard copy of the results and I had the CD with the films on them.  He looked at them and added the tendon injury to the already job well-done.  He ordered PT with an immediate goal being to get out of the boot.  For some reason, I was up for it when he ordered it.  I called the PT place the next day and had an appointment for the next day to have an evaluation!  He also addressed the right ankle and gave me a brace for it.  He is a podiatrist so can only deal with the ankles, but I knew that going in and am willing to suffer through while these specific injuries our dealt with.  Yes, my knee causes pretty severe pain but I just can't put up with finding another doctor to handle that right now.  If it gets worse, I'll think about it, but being in PT three times a week and mental health therapy twice a week, I'm pretty busy.  I know, it sounds like excuses, but I can only be so busy!

I had the eval and when I went to leave found out that my secondary insurance claims I am not on the policy.  HUH??  I had asked the facility when I scheduled if they took both of my insurances.  They did, but for some reason I'm suddenly dropped?  I've had many other claims since the beginning of the year (when the new plan began) and have been arguing with them over a number of claims for months.  I called the insurance and they said that I am indeed on the policy but that this PT facility isn't capitated for my specific coverage.  They gave me the name and number for a new place to go - someplace more than my current 5 minutes away.  Oh. My. Gosh!  Is this happening?  I called the woman at the facility and told her what was going on.  She spoke with a manager/supervisor and was told that they would essentially eat whatever isn't covered by my primary insurance.  WOW!  I realize that this is a new location for this company but they sure don't have to be this wonderful about it!  In doing this, since my secondary insurance isn't being billed, I no longer have to get a referral!  It doesn't get any better than this.

So, my ankle measurements, as far as flexibility, are pretty bad - not a surprise.  I have a number of exercises to do here at the house and even more to add to it when I'm with the therapist.  Last week, he added 6 minutes on the bike.  I lost 65-70 lbs a number of years back with my main exercise being the bike (recumbent bike, specifically).  Perhaps I can get motivated to use it on a regular basis - we do have one in our spare bedroom.  My injuries were hurting after having the boot on ALL day on Sunday and my knee had had enough.  There was a surprise party for my father on Sunday and I was working all day until he showed up - and then I had to visit with people and was on my feet a lot.  Anyway, my left ankle and right knee were killing me a minute into the bike, but I pushed through and made it all 6 minutes.  Whew!  Now if I can only make it up to 25-30 minutes or more, that would be ideal.  In the meantime, working on it....

If it's possible, I'm getting less exercise than normal since I got hurt.  I'm walking less back and forth to the kitchen or even standing.  Just moving causes extreme pain.  Putting all of my zillion pounds onto my ankles and knee is not good.  I am, however, thankful that the therapist hasn't mentioned once that if I lose weight it would help.  Frankly this isn't a chronic condition, it is an acute injury and he sees that.  Praise God!

I do have the Rollator but have only used it once to run errands.  I find myself always putting more weight on my right side since my left ankle hurts so much, making my right side pain increase.  The physical therapist mentioned that at some point I may require a cane.  I talked with a friend who uses a cane to get her review of The Hurry-cane and she loves (!!!) it so I ordered it.  I got it a few days ago, but haven't yet tested it out.  we'll see how that goes (especially since I'm more than 50 lbs over the weight limit - but I figure I won't be putting all of my weight on it at once so it should be fine).

So as it stands, I'm trying to work out of the boot and pray I don't need surgery.  A peripheral goal would be to pump up the cardio while I'm there and have to respond to someone.  When this is all said and done, it's off to find a personal trainer.  Oh, and OT is still on the table but hasn't taken the forefront with as busy as I've been due to my pain.  Whatever...

The Saga Continues

Yes, more drama...

My injuries have created a difficult time.  I have been instructed by the yucky doctor that I am to begin non-weight-bearing.  What is this guy thinking?  First of all., my "900 lb" body cannot be held up by my arms (on a walker or crutches).  In addition, my other ankle and knee are also injured!  So, I am supposed to put all of my weight onto a sprained ankle and knee.  Sure.  No problem...  Well, I was WRONG.  I have to say, I have a Rollator so I was still weight-bearing on my injured leg, but attempted to at least lessen the amount of my fatness being put onto that ankle.

That was yesterday.  There were some errands the hubby and I ran.  For a normal person, it would have been fine, in fact it would have been very few stores.  For me, let's just say that I was virtually unable to put any weight on either leg by the end of the day.  I wasn't able to make it to church today and wound up in bed until 11:30am.  I think the pain wore me out and/or kept me sleeping because it was so bad.  You know, pain can be exhausting!

Hubby has been great!  He isn't letting me get up from the chair for the most part since he got home from the supermarket.  However, he can't get me to the bathroom and sure can't carry me up and down the steps.  I have a therapy appt on Tuesday and his office is on the second floor.  I'm not sure I can make it - especially when I take into account the hour's drive to get there.  Wednesday is a haircut.  Friday I have to do a ton to get ready for a party for my Father on Sunday.  Just writing it is making me tired and causing my knee and ankles to throb.

I am scheduled to see the yucky doctor in about a week and a half.  He danced around the idea that he'll order PT for me at that point (but that I'm too fragile for that right now).  I think it's best (maybe) to wait and see what the good doc says - though that isn't until 8/9.  I don't know... do I wait that long so I can see the good doc, or do I go with the yucky doc and try PT, even though I'm not entirely non-weight-bearing, so don't feel like I"m ready for that; I need to rest my ankle more since I am putting weight on it.  Any thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks, y'all!

We All Do It

Yes, we do... and I, for one, don't enjoy it!  It's painful, it makes me feel stupid, and I've done it enough for a lifetime.

My guess is you all think I'm talking about sex, or that I've lured you into reading this hoping it's about sex, but it's not.  It's about falling.  Indeed, the simple act of falling.  Being fat alters one's ability to maintain a good center of balance.  While I've had weight issues almost my entire life, I'm most embarrassed about it at this moment.  It's the fattest I've ever been.  It's the most at risk I've been for injury (and I've had a LOT of injuries in the past; it wasn't a big deal for me to enter my High School on crutches... nobody took a second look).

I was at a baseball game two weekends ago.  No, I'm not a huge fan, but it was a birthday gift from my parents to my husband.  Anyway, I have a handicapped permit due to my arthritis and disk disease so of course we parked in those spots.  I noticed that the only ramp I saw served probably a dozen parking spaces.  I was in the middle of making a comment to my husband about it (and how the curb in front of the many handicapped spaces should really be ramped) and the next thing I know I'm on the ground.  I'm yelling "ouch. ouch."  Now I go up steps every day at home and I successfully navigate ramps all the time at a variety of stores but this one had to get me... it had to win.

As I try to get up, I hear someone yelling at me to stay where I was.  It turned out to be a security guard.  As I hear her, I see ballpark paramedics coming towards me.  The next thing I know my parents, along with her pastor (also a PA) and bunches of professionals have surrounded me.  Fortunately I was far enough away from the actual park that my fall didn't cause a huge hullabaloo.

It takes two medics to heave me up onto the curb (you know, the one which should be a ramp).  "What hurts?  Are you okay?  Do you need an ambulance?"  The barrage of questions continued for a bit.  "I don't think anything's broken."  I'd have to agree, I can move all of my extremities and there are no bones sticking out from under my skin.  My right shin was pretty cut up and my left ankle hurt (later my right ankle took over as the pain-ridden appendage, so was the one to get medical attention).  As for the ambulance - how silly would it be to take the ambulance to a hospital I don't even like?!?

The medics squished (and I mean Squished - with a capital "S") me into a wheelchair and we took the elevator up to the box my Mom's church had gotten.  The next thing was to pry me out of the chair - an adventure all of its own.  They iced my abrasions and my right ankle and I spent the entire game in our air-conditioned box.  As time went on, I noticed my right ankle causing me more pain, but I didn't think it was worth hunting down the paramedics.

Oh, did I mention they did an incident report?  I mean, I guess they had to, but it all seemed so over the top.  I fell.  So what?  Yeah, and I had to sign a "refusal of treatment" form.  My father was there to make sure I wasn't signing my life away.

That was Saturday.  Sunday comes along and I'm barely able to walk, with my left ankle swollen as if there was a baseball under the skin.  I try to get up and nearly fall to the ground.  My lower half has been beaten up, or so it felt.  I decided that after church I needed to have x-rays done.  Off to OUR ER we go.  The x-rays were negative, but both ankles and my right knee were sprained.  Since my left ankle and right knee were the worst, I was given an air cast and immobilizer, respectively.  They gave me an ace bandage for my other ankle.  And off I went.

Fast forward to over a week later; Tuesday.  I see a new doctor who gives the most attention to my worst injury, giving me a (huge, ugly) boot for my left ankle and ignored the rest of my injuries.  He wanted to do an MRI and PT (with PT first), but I let him know the severity of my pain, so he ordered the MRI.  Oh, did I mention that he wants me to see some friends of his at a local family practice to test me for diabetes.  Yeah, more joys of being fat.  Yes it runs in my family.  Evidently given those two facts I must have fallen because my lower extremities were numb.  No, they are far from numb - they hurt like the dickens!  I've not done anything about the diabetes.  I just got out of 3 weeks in the hospital and am certain their bloodwork included a sugar level!  Remember, I'm fat and it runs in my family.  Everyone assumes, yet somehow I've managed to avoid the beast.

So, the MRI was Friday and I await the results.  I haven't scheduled a follow-up with this guy.  I did NOT like him.  He didn't listen to me and a medical student spent the most time with me.  He was in and out and spoke so fast I couldn't follow.  I was overwhelmed and didn't even have time to process what he had to say enough to tell him that even Vicodin wasn't helping the pain, so I said it to the student, who ordered an anti-inflammatory (yeah, Aleve didn't work either).  Just so there is no confusion, I don't mind having med students in with me, but when he spends three times the amount of time with me than the doctor himself, I have a problem.  I'm paying to see the doctor!  Anyway, I had ligament surgery on my other ankle several years back and loved that doctor.  I sent the MRI results to him, but unfortunately his first available appt isn't until early August.  Ugh.

To sum up: being fat leaves one vulnerable to falling; being out of shape makes the likelihood of injury greater.  If one is fat, s/he is bound to have diabetes so we'll just chalk this up to that and essentially ignore the pain of said fat person.  Actually, I wonder if often my ailments are assumed to be fat-related.  I KNOW losing weight will improve a lot of my pain issues, but in the meantime, I'm still in PAIN!  I rambled about that in another post, so I'll let you go back and read that one - haha.

And I leave you with a word of gratitude for making your way through this incongruous post - in which the topic was far from your initial suspicions.  Once again, I say that I will try to post more often - and hopefully with shorter posts and good news of any sort!  :)

And so it Goes...

I'm having extreme back pain - I'm talking can't stand for more than a few minutes, scream out in pain when I try to move,  don't touch me kind of back pain.  I finally gave in and went to see an ortho doc.  When the PA was doing the initial evaluation, I told her that I KNOW losing weight will help, but I've had this pain on and off since high school (I graduated in 1990).  The doctor comes in and in his less-than-five-minute exam he tells me that I need to lose weight (as if I didn't already freakin' know that!) and he sent me to PT, which I told him in the past has caused my pain to worsen.  He did throw out there that I might want to try to find a low back pain water class at the Y...  When checking out, the receptionist told me that I am likely very limited as to which facility I can even use for PT and will need a referral (I might add here that the referral I requested for this appointment last week hadn't arrived - and it's done electronically!).  This is the way my life goes these days.  More reasons to hate the insurance company.  So, what did I do with my frustration when I got home?  I opened up bags of candy and ate until I felt nauseous.  Yeah, this is helpful.

How long until I decide to do something about this nightmare?