It's not easy to admit, but my mood has taken a real hit since surgery was cancelled. This process has been very difficult for me for reasons I'm choosing not to reveal in such an open forum. Suffice it to say, having to delay it has really affected me. I feel more depressed and sometimes that means I want to eat emotionally - which is never veggies, I can tell you that!
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
Showing posts with label Emotional eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotional eating. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
How do you feel?
I often hear the statement "you must feel SO much better." Wow, define "better" if you would, please. Do I have a stamina for physical activity I lacked at 326 pounds? Without a doubt! Do I feel less ashamed by my appearance, especially when meeting new people or seeing people I haven't seen for years? For sure! Am I relieved to not be the proverbial (and literal, it felt like) elephant in the room while being totally invisible all at the same time? You bet!
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Counting the Hours
Yep, that's right -- surgery's tomorrow. I have to be downtown on the early side, but that means surgery will be over earlier and hubby will be able to get home to our furbabies so they don't wither away to nothing (yeah, right -- spoiled kids). My first call this morning said to be there at 11:15, but later got a call that there was a cancellation and asked me to be there at 8:45. While we'll be in rush hour traffic ( which seems extra horrible around here with construction, lane closures, and roads not built for the amount of traffic traveling them daily... this area has been built-up beyond belief), hubby will be able to get home that much earlier. Casey (the big pup) will be in charge and will eat anyone who tries to enter unauthorized!
So, it's the ol' gastric sleeve, attempt #2. Same surgeon, same hospital, same anesthesiologist (I hope!) and same pacu nurse (I hope!). I know I'll get top quality care and then the real work begins. They want me sitting in a chair shortly after I get to my room (I imagine they'll let me take a snooze first) and then walking the halls by the end of the day. I hope I'm up for it because all I've heard from anyone is walk, walk, walk. Not only does it help prevent blood clots, but it helps with healing. I don't understand the ins and outs of most things medical, but I suspect that if I'm in one position too long, my "pouch"/sleeve will get too comfortable there and it will be more painful to move when I finally would get up.
As far as the failure and my blood pressure: I've been working with my PCP to stop one of my bp meds (first in half with 2 bp checks the following week, then stopped altogether with another 2 bp checks). I saw my pulmonologist today and they said my bp was "just right" (or perfect, or something to that effect) to them. In my eyes, it was a little elevated, but I was told by the surgeon's office not to take my other bp med today and that they'd prefer to handle high bp in the OR vs. low bp.
So, as it stands now, the plan is:
Hubby will be working from home on and off Wednesday-Friday and is off for Memorial Day on Monday. Then our problem child will go to daycare. I won't be able to bend at the waist, so I can't put her leash on. I also can't get them water if they need it and a number of other things. I have my enormous shoe horn - again, not being able to bend at the waist.
Keeping prayers on my heart for a positive outcome and that my anxiety doesn't take over. I'd love if you could do the same.
Over and out...
So, it's the ol' gastric sleeve, attempt #2. Same surgeon, same hospital, same anesthesiologist (I hope!) and same pacu nurse (I hope!). I know I'll get top quality care and then the real work begins. They want me sitting in a chair shortly after I get to my room (I imagine they'll let me take a snooze first) and then walking the halls by the end of the day. I hope I'm up for it because all I've heard from anyone is walk, walk, walk. Not only does it help prevent blood clots, but it helps with healing. I don't understand the ins and outs of most things medical, but I suspect that if I'm in one position too long, my "pouch"/sleeve will get too comfortable there and it will be more painful to move when I finally would get up.
As far as the failure and my blood pressure: I've been working with my PCP to stop one of my bp meds (first in half with 2 bp checks the following week, then stopped altogether with another 2 bp checks). I saw my pulmonologist today and they said my bp was "just right" (or perfect, or something to that effect) to them. In my eyes, it was a little elevated, but I was told by the surgeon's office not to take my other bp med today and that they'd prefer to handle high bp in the OR vs. low bp.
So, as it stands now, the plan is:
- Arrive and go to the admission area (assuming that we got through traffic without being killed)
- Put on the oh-so-fashionable hospital gown (and the paper one; I don't get the more comfy cloth one until after surgery)
- Head to pre-op and hope for the wonderful anesthesiologist to find a good vein
- Speak with the surgeon, who will tell me that he got a good night's sleep (he did last time)
- Enter OR and go night-night
- Wake up in PACU, hopefully to the smile of the wonderful nurse from last time.
- Head to room and have ice chips (hopefully)
- Wednesday: have a barium swallow test (which is as delightful as it sounds, although this one will be far less complicated than the one I had in the past because they are looking only to make sure the pouch is proper.
- Sip water. SIP. WATER.
- Thursday, if all goes according to plan, HOME!
Hubby will be working from home on and off Wednesday-Friday and is off for Memorial Day on Monday. Then our problem child will go to daycare. I won't be able to bend at the waist, so I can't put her leash on. I also can't get them water if they need it and a number of other things. I have my enormous shoe horn - again, not being able to bend at the waist.
Keeping prayers on my heart for a positive outcome and that my anxiety doesn't take over. I'd love if you could do the same.
Over and out...
Thursday, May 19, 2016
The Long and Short of It
Fact: I did everything asked of me between 12/30 and 4/26, including blood work, a drug test, a nuclear stress test, an echocardiogram, a psych clearance and more.
Fact: I've had countless conversations with the nurses and dietitian at the surgeon's office.
Fact: I did 2 weeks pre-op of a liquid-only diet (which is nothing shy of torture).
Fact: My husband took a day off of work the day of my surgery.
Fact: My attempt at a vertical sleeve gastrectomy on 4/26 failed due to dangerously low blood pressure and oxygen levels.
Fact: I had multiple checks of my blood pressure at my PCP's office after finally discontinuing one of my blood pressure medications
Now that we have that out of the way...
I am back on the liquid diet, but true to his word, the surgeon is only making me endure one week of liquids (oh, and FYI: don't bother plain broth unless you have no interest in taste). Thanks to a dear friend from church, I was introduced to a whole new world (is anyone else singing the song from Aladdin?) of sugar-free coffee syrups and no longer limited to the 3 options at Target. Don't get me wrong, but they were getting a bit dull. So I discovered that there is an entirely separate brand of these syrups and it's life-altering. Ok, that may sound extreme to you, but please know that I am not exaggerating. Keith would have long-since killed me had I been limited to chocolate and vanilla. I can also enjoy sugar-free Jell-O! Who would have thought that would warrant a WOO HOO?!?
So, what does all of this mean? It means that I am scheduled for surgery this coming Tuesday, 5/24! I admit that I'm having a hard time getting as excited this time around. I fear something else will go wrong and I'll be destroyed again. Let me make it clear that LOGICALLY and INTELLECTUALLY, I know that I did everything I was supposed to, to the letter. However, there is part of me that feels like, had I done something different or better, I would have a month's jump on my recovery. I should be beyond another 2 weeks of liquids AND the dreaded 2 weeks of pureed food. I should be adding in "human" food now. I should be trying foods, a little at a time to see what the sleeve will tolerate. As one of my doctors would say "I'm should-ing all over this situation."
Now that it's almost the weekend and then there's only one day left of Keith being at work, we'll be headed to the hospital... well, now I'm starting to get a little cheery. I pray that will turn into outright excitement by Tuesday morning.
For now, I'll drink (sugar-free, non-carbonated, and while I rarely do, non-alcoholic) and I'll enjoy some Jell-O. I think I should get a royalty for that one, but for now, I'll just enjoy it.
I have been consistent (since my initial junk food pity party), I have been on that exercise bike. I'm up to 15 minutes and doing about 5 miles +/- . In fact, I bought a TV for Keith to mount on the wall in the room where the bike is. Right now, I spend the first part of my ride ( varying) praying, but after that, there is little to do but watch the numbers: the seconds tick by, the distance trudges along, and the calories... well, that's just downright depressing! I know the TV will help and with Amazon Prime, I'll have a choice of non-daytime television options.
For now, let the countdown continue.
Fact: I've had countless conversations with the nurses and dietitian at the surgeon's office.
Fact: I did 2 weeks pre-op of a liquid-only diet (which is nothing shy of torture).
Fact: My husband took a day off of work the day of my surgery.
Fact: My attempt at a vertical sleeve gastrectomy on 4/26 failed due to dangerously low blood pressure and oxygen levels.
Fact: I had multiple checks of my blood pressure at my PCP's office after finally discontinuing one of my blood pressure medications
Now that we have that out of the way...
I am back on the liquid diet, but true to his word, the surgeon is only making me endure one week of liquids (oh, and FYI: don't bother plain broth unless you have no interest in taste). Thanks to a dear friend from church, I was introduced to a whole new world (is anyone else singing the song from Aladdin?) of sugar-free coffee syrups and no longer limited to the 3 options at Target. Don't get me wrong, but they were getting a bit dull. So I discovered that there is an entirely separate brand of these syrups and it's life-altering. Ok, that may sound extreme to you, but please know that I am not exaggerating. Keith would have long-since killed me had I been limited to chocolate and vanilla. I can also enjoy sugar-free Jell-O! Who would have thought that would warrant a WOO HOO?!?
So, what does all of this mean? It means that I am scheduled for surgery this coming Tuesday, 5/24! I admit that I'm having a hard time getting as excited this time around. I fear something else will go wrong and I'll be destroyed again. Let me make it clear that LOGICALLY and INTELLECTUALLY, I know that I did everything I was supposed to, to the letter. However, there is part of me that feels like, had I done something different or better, I would have a month's jump on my recovery. I should be beyond another 2 weeks of liquids AND the dreaded 2 weeks of pureed food. I should be adding in "human" food now. I should be trying foods, a little at a time to see what the sleeve will tolerate. As one of my doctors would say "I'm should-ing all over this situation."
Now that it's almost the weekend and then there's only one day left of Keith being at work, we'll be headed to the hospital... well, now I'm starting to get a little cheery. I pray that will turn into outright excitement by Tuesday morning.
For now, I'll drink (sugar-free, non-carbonated, and while I rarely do, non-alcoholic) and I'll enjoy some Jell-O. I think I should get a royalty for that one, but for now, I'll just enjoy it.
I have been consistent (since my initial junk food pity party), I have been on that exercise bike. I'm up to 15 minutes and doing about 5 miles +/- . In fact, I bought a TV for Keith to mount on the wall in the room where the bike is. Right now, I spend the first part of my ride ( varying) praying, but after that, there is little to do but watch the numbers: the seconds tick by, the distance trudges along, and the calories... well, that's just downright depressing! I know the TV will help and with Amazon Prime, I'll have a choice of non-daytime television options.
For now, let the countdown continue.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Just a Few Days Left
Well, here we are. Surgery is in 5 days!!! Ahhhhhhhh!
I've been on a liquid diet since last Tuesday and have to go through next Monday (obviously I can't eat or drink the day of surgery). Let me tell you - this is HARD! The first few days I was cranky as cranky gets! I needed to CHEW something. NOW! My poor husband :( Well, I went back to the paperwork and saw that I can have Jell-O! Now there's something I can sink my teeth into - literally! Let me tell you, I've gone through a lot of Jell-O, but it has kept me from causing anyone physical harm. Ah, the power of Jell-O!
I had my pre-op appointment a few weeks back and loaded them with questions. They say that they love it, but I can't help but question what it's like being burdened down with questions and if that hinders their schedule, etc. It's me, being an idiot, being overly sensitive, being overly considerate. I've been told that I have to take care of me and that I'm worth their time. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Haha ( you'll see why I laugh at that soon enough).
I've learned so much about nutrition and reading specific things on food labels in the past few months. This will be an uphill battle. I'm not ignorant to that fact. We will be taking a LOAD of stuff to the local food bank because I'm not strong enough to have it in the house and not eat it. I can't go to the grocery store at this point because even the smells from the bakery will have me wanting to give up on the whole surgery (ok, so maybe that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea).
I'm having protein drinks every 3-4 hours and trying my darndest to get in my 64 oz of water. The thing is, I'm trying to perfect the art of "sipping" pre-op so it won't be such a transition afterwards. Who knew sipping was an art? I'm thankful that my program allows the use of straws, which is a variable among programs. My doc's program told me (I asked specifically) that there is no definitive research to prove they provide a risk. I know there are other programs who prohibit their use. While it's going to make it difficult to get in 64 oz (which doesn't include the protein shake... BOO!), sipping also makes it very difficult to get down all of my meds (the list seems endless) and supplements/vitamins. Some of the supplements are ordered by the bariatric surgeon; others I take because they're healthy or one specifically I take to prevent or slow down macular degeneration which is now in 2 generations of my family. Well, my psych meds are a must - I absolutely, 100%, no question cannot miss those! There are also my meds for blood pressure. The cholesterol med isn't necessary for the day of surgery, nor are many of the others.
So, I guess that's the latest in the wonderful word of the hippopotamus. Now, as the world of bariatrics says: I'm getting ready to climb onto the loser's bench.
I've been on a liquid diet since last Tuesday and have to go through next Monday (obviously I can't eat or drink the day of surgery). Let me tell you - this is HARD! The first few days I was cranky as cranky gets! I needed to CHEW something. NOW! My poor husband :( Well, I went back to the paperwork and saw that I can have Jell-O! Now there's something I can sink my teeth into - literally! Let me tell you, I've gone through a lot of Jell-O, but it has kept me from causing anyone physical harm. Ah, the power of Jell-O!
I had my pre-op appointment a few weeks back and loaded them with questions. They say that they love it, but I can't help but question what it's like being burdened down with questions and if that hinders their schedule, etc. It's me, being an idiot, being overly sensitive, being overly considerate. I've been told that I have to take care of me and that I'm worth their time. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Haha ( you'll see why I laugh at that soon enough).
I've learned so much about nutrition and reading specific things on food labels in the past few months. This will be an uphill battle. I'm not ignorant to that fact. We will be taking a LOAD of stuff to the local food bank because I'm not strong enough to have it in the house and not eat it. I can't go to the grocery store at this point because even the smells from the bakery will have me wanting to give up on the whole surgery (ok, so maybe that's a bit extreme, but you get the idea).
I'm having protein drinks every 3-4 hours and trying my darndest to get in my 64 oz of water. The thing is, I'm trying to perfect the art of "sipping" pre-op so it won't be such a transition afterwards. Who knew sipping was an art? I'm thankful that my program allows the use of straws, which is a variable among programs. My doc's program told me (I asked specifically) that there is no definitive research to prove they provide a risk. I know there are other programs who prohibit their use. While it's going to make it difficult to get in 64 oz (which doesn't include the protein shake... BOO!), sipping also makes it very difficult to get down all of my meds (the list seems endless) and supplements/vitamins. Some of the supplements are ordered by the bariatric surgeon; others I take because they're healthy or one specifically I take to prevent or slow down macular degeneration which is now in 2 generations of my family. Well, my psych meds are a must - I absolutely, 100%, no question cannot miss those! There are also my meds for blood pressure. The cholesterol med isn't necessary for the day of surgery, nor are many of the others.
So, I guess that's the latest in the wonderful word of the hippopotamus. Now, as the world of bariatrics says: I'm getting ready to climb onto the loser's bench.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Pre-Op Work-Up
Oh my word, this has been one heck of a journey so far and I'm only just starting. It is required for all bariatric surgery candidates to have a list of clearances before surgery. I needed a psych eval and my psychologist of nearly 16 years could provide far more information than any psychiatrist they would have me talk with for a couple of hours. I needed a sleep study. Well, I already use a C-Pap, so I just had the doc print out a report of recent use. I needed some initial blood work, which I had done from my primary a few weeks prior. I mailed all of that out to them. Finally is my cardiac clearance. He wanted me to have a nuclear stress test (since I can't go running on a treadmill - if I couldn't I likely wouldn't need the surgery in the first place) and an echo. I received calls after each of these to say that the results showed no abnormalities. I see the cardiologist on Monday and assume I will have that clearance then. The surgeon's office also ordered a number of labs, but when I went to have them done, I found out that my insurance wasn't going to cover those tests under the diagnostic code they used, which had added up to well over $500 and they hadn't run all of them through. I called the nurse at the surgeon's office to see if there was another code they could use (of course without committing insurance fraud). She called the lab and there are hoops she needs to jump through.
So, the next step is an endoscopy. The doctor is willing to allow me to do it in the hospital out here in the suburbs (usually all of this is done downtown and I don't drive downtown). He is going to speak with my GI to coordinate something.
I'm drinking protein drinks one meal per day (at this point) and am having high protein yogurt at least once a day. I'm testing things out and figuring out what works. I got a special bariatric surgery cookbook and it is providing a ton of information!
We joined a gym, although my membership is suspended for now. They offer aquatic classes and I plan on doing that. I don't know when I'll be allowed back in the pool and right now, I'm just waiting to see when surgery is. In the meantime I am riding my exercise bike. I'm losing - slowly but surely, I'm losing some pounds.
I am going to see an additional therapist to deal solely with my food and eating issues. I mean, obviously I have some, since I am a hippo. I can't go back to eating the way that caused me to become this.... well.... fat. I am an emotional eater and did find a book which deals with this topic, too. Perhaps it will be a jumping off point for that therapy. We'll see. My OCD has had me create a binder of information, printed from the computer and in page protectors, divided by topic. So yeah, I'm well-versed and ready to tackle this!
When's surgery? Everyone asks and I have to explain the above process to them. Hopefully soon I can give a solid date! Excited and Terrified. That's where I stand. And I think that's normal.
So, the next step is an endoscopy. The doctor is willing to allow me to do it in the hospital out here in the suburbs (usually all of this is done downtown and I don't drive downtown). He is going to speak with my GI to coordinate something.
I'm drinking protein drinks one meal per day (at this point) and am having high protein yogurt at least once a day. I'm testing things out and figuring out what works. I got a special bariatric surgery cookbook and it is providing a ton of information!
We joined a gym, although my membership is suspended for now. They offer aquatic classes and I plan on doing that. I don't know when I'll be allowed back in the pool and right now, I'm just waiting to see when surgery is. In the meantime I am riding my exercise bike. I'm losing - slowly but surely, I'm losing some pounds.
I am going to see an additional therapist to deal solely with my food and eating issues. I mean, obviously I have some, since I am a hippo. I can't go back to eating the way that caused me to become this.... well.... fat. I am an emotional eater and did find a book which deals with this topic, too. Perhaps it will be a jumping off point for that therapy. We'll see. My OCD has had me create a binder of information, printed from the computer and in page protectors, divided by topic. So yeah, I'm well-versed and ready to tackle this!
When's surgery? Everyone asks and I have to explain the above process to them. Hopefully soon I can give a solid date! Excited and Terrified. That's where I stand. And I think that's normal.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Bariatric Update
Hey all! I figured it was time for an update, so here it is :)
My psychologist has written a letter of support and approval for me to have the surgery. When I met with the cardiologist he wanted to wait until I had a few tests before giving his ok. I had a nuclear stress test two weeks ago and an echo last week. I see him on the 15th and expect full go-ahead.
I've been testing some protein drinks/shakes and went through what the dietitian sent with a highlighter and pen. I have studied my little heart out. I'm also setting up a consult with a therapist simply for eating and food issues. I've seen her before when my psychologist was gone and she was his student.
The next step is to have an endoscopy. The nurse said that they typically wait until later in the process before scheduling this, when I called and asked it to schedule since it will require some coordination (using my GI doc with the surgeon in the room). She called and said that the surgeon will be in touch with the GI doc in the next couple of weeks.
The nurse called to tell me that she received the information I sent with my C-Pap report and most recent blood work. She expressed some concern over my triglycerides and is sending me a script for new labs (which they run anyway). My sugar levels are elevated and there is a slight debate over if I should have a diabetes diagnosis or if I can be considered pre-diabetic assuming that my levels will decrease post-op.
After the endoscopy, I was told that the surgery is scheduled about 6 weeks out. In the meantime, I'm having a protein shake for breakfast and working to keep my sweets and carbs in check. The latter is HARD! I was so cranky yesterday because I fought the urge to have some Skinny Cow chocolates. I have to at least start to make big changes and not wait until after the operation. I will be on a liquid diet for both the 2 weeks pre- and post-op, then 2 weeks of pureed food (I refuse to eat pureed chicken!).
My husband and I have joined a gym, at which I will use the pool - possibly taking an aquatics class. My membership is on hold for now until I know when surgery is. I'm sure I'll be limited after surgery and will likely not be in the pool for some time. I did speak with the location nearest to me and she said that I can always activate my membership now and then freeze it again when I have surgery. I loathe the thought of squeezing myself into a bathing suit, but the exercise may help me lose some weight and get into a routine. For now, we'll see.....
I am both excited and terrified, but I have to do it. I'll try to post more often, or at least as I have updates.
My psychologist has written a letter of support and approval for me to have the surgery. When I met with the cardiologist he wanted to wait until I had a few tests before giving his ok. I had a nuclear stress test two weeks ago and an echo last week. I see him on the 15th and expect full go-ahead.
I've been testing some protein drinks/shakes and went through what the dietitian sent with a highlighter and pen. I have studied my little heart out. I'm also setting up a consult with a therapist simply for eating and food issues. I've seen her before when my psychologist was gone and she was his student.
The next step is to have an endoscopy. The nurse said that they typically wait until later in the process before scheduling this, when I called and asked it to schedule since it will require some coordination (using my GI doc with the surgeon in the room). She called and said that the surgeon will be in touch with the GI doc in the next couple of weeks.
The nurse called to tell me that she received the information I sent with my C-Pap report and most recent blood work. She expressed some concern over my triglycerides and is sending me a script for new labs (which they run anyway). My sugar levels are elevated and there is a slight debate over if I should have a diabetes diagnosis or if I can be considered pre-diabetic assuming that my levels will decrease post-op.
After the endoscopy, I was told that the surgery is scheduled about 6 weeks out. In the meantime, I'm having a protein shake for breakfast and working to keep my sweets and carbs in check. The latter is HARD! I was so cranky yesterday because I fought the urge to have some Skinny Cow chocolates. I have to at least start to make big changes and not wait until after the operation. I will be on a liquid diet for both the 2 weeks pre- and post-op, then 2 weeks of pureed food (I refuse to eat pureed chicken!).
My husband and I have joined a gym, at which I will use the pool - possibly taking an aquatics class. My membership is on hold for now until I know when surgery is. I'm sure I'll be limited after surgery and will likely not be in the pool for some time. I did speak with the location nearest to me and she said that I can always activate my membership now and then freeze it again when I have surgery. I loathe the thought of squeezing myself into a bathing suit, but the exercise may help me lose some weight and get into a routine. For now, we'll see.....
I am both excited and terrified, but I have to do it. I'll try to post more often, or at least as I have updates.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Title-less
It's January 1st and here I sit at my computer. I have no "resolutions." I don't care. Maybe because it's the fact that I'm stuck in an incredibly deep depression and my marriage is a mess. Maybe it's because I'm super cynical find resolutions to be ridiculous. I mean whatever we say today is usually broken by the end of the week or the month. Very few of us actually do those things we resolve to do. Whatever it is, I don't make them.
Ok, I got that out of the way. I want to share that I've seen a bariatric surgeon. He believes I'm a good candidate for a gastric sleeve. Here is some information about the sleeve, but the site also includes oodles of information about bariatric surgery, including an hour-long webinar which offers a lot of information. It's basically a doctor talking while you stare at Power Point slides. It's not the most interesting of things, but it gets the job done, plus I had to watch it before my appointment. It's not anything that's inserted, nor do they re-route any part of your digestive system. They simply staple off part of your stomach. This both makes your stomach smaller, but releases your body from experiencing the hormone that makes us feel hungry.
The doctor was wonderful. He spent nearly an hour with me! I recorded it so that I can refer back to it. The city where the doctor will perform the surgery is in the city. I saw him at a local office (30 mins, which is local for this area) and during the course of the appointment, told him that I don't drive in the city and he is totally willing to work with me. There are a number of tests and evaluations necessary for the surgery to be performed. One is a sleep study - already had one done and I use the C-Pap; one is a psych eval - since I've seen my psychologist for nearly 16 years, he will take a statement from him (who is the one who brought it up in the first place). They also need an endoscopy. I had one several months ago, but despite me telling them that I vomit with Propofol (they said it is the med of choice for those who do experience nausea and/or vomiting after a procedure), they gave it to me and the doctor couldn't finish the procedure because - guess what (?) - I vomited in the middle of it. The bariatric doc wants to be in the room so he can watch the screen and know what to expect if there are anything which would interfere with the surgery, since my upper GI tract is involved. Additionally I need a cardiac eval and he is comfortable with me seeing one locally. I saw one many years ago and know that he's in the same practice as my husbands doc, but may wind up seeing whoever has an appointment available. There is also a consult with a nurse practitioner and a nutritionist/dietitian, but he said those can be done over the phone. I love this guy! It doesn't hurt that he is the husband of one of the docs in the practice where my Mom (an RN) works. It makes trusting him easier.
When we talked about the psych eval and my doc, he said that I understand the procedure and have done my research (I have a very full binder with tons of info, using page protectors, of course!). He also said that I was asking all the right questions, so he feels comfortable with my psychologist covering that end of things. Oh, and I have my entire medical history and a bunch of other things typed up since I'll never remember it all - it's too long and complicated, plus I'm on so many meds there's no way I'd know them all, especially if they want dosage and times! He can see that I am "together" mentally, especially after seeing my OCD paperwork.
I asked how long it usually takes from the initial appointment. I expected him to say 6+ months, especially after all of the testing. Granted some of my testing is already "taken care of" but his answer was 6-8 WEEKS! Ahhhhhhh! That's soon. While I'm excited, I'm also terrified. This is an enormous lifestyle change and I guess it feels like that's a fast time to prepare mentally. On the other hand, the sooner the better, right?
In other news, I became a consultant for Thirty-One. My timing is pretty terrible as I'm dealing with the surgical stuff, but hopefully I can get something out of it, even if it's just a good group of Christian women supporting each other... and hopefully there are some close to me.
Well, "life" calls, so I have to say good-bye for now. I'll try to write again sooner next time - I know I say that every time, but if I'm going to be down for a couple of weeks I expect to be online more. So, happy new year! I wish you all the best.
Ok, I got that out of the way. I want to share that I've seen a bariatric surgeon. He believes I'm a good candidate for a gastric sleeve. Here is some information about the sleeve, but the site also includes oodles of information about bariatric surgery, including an hour-long webinar which offers a lot of information. It's basically a doctor talking while you stare at Power Point slides. It's not the most interesting of things, but it gets the job done, plus I had to watch it before my appointment. It's not anything that's inserted, nor do they re-route any part of your digestive system. They simply staple off part of your stomach. This both makes your stomach smaller, but releases your body from experiencing the hormone that makes us feel hungry.
The doctor was wonderful. He spent nearly an hour with me! I recorded it so that I can refer back to it. The city where the doctor will perform the surgery is in the city. I saw him at a local office (30 mins, which is local for this area) and during the course of the appointment, told him that I don't drive in the city and he is totally willing to work with me. There are a number of tests and evaluations necessary for the surgery to be performed. One is a sleep study - already had one done and I use the C-Pap; one is a psych eval - since I've seen my psychologist for nearly 16 years, he will take a statement from him (who is the one who brought it up in the first place). They also need an endoscopy. I had one several months ago, but despite me telling them that I vomit with Propofol (they said it is the med of choice for those who do experience nausea and/or vomiting after a procedure), they gave it to me and the doctor couldn't finish the procedure because - guess what (?) - I vomited in the middle of it. The bariatric doc wants to be in the room so he can watch the screen and know what to expect if there are anything which would interfere with the surgery, since my upper GI tract is involved. Additionally I need a cardiac eval and he is comfortable with me seeing one locally. I saw one many years ago and know that he's in the same practice as my husbands doc, but may wind up seeing whoever has an appointment available. There is also a consult with a nurse practitioner and a nutritionist/dietitian, but he said those can be done over the phone. I love this guy! It doesn't hurt that he is the husband of one of the docs in the practice where my Mom (an RN) works. It makes trusting him easier.
When we talked about the psych eval and my doc, he said that I understand the procedure and have done my research (I have a very full binder with tons of info, using page protectors, of course!). He also said that I was asking all the right questions, so he feels comfortable with my psychologist covering that end of things. Oh, and I have my entire medical history and a bunch of other things typed up since I'll never remember it all - it's too long and complicated, plus I'm on so many meds there's no way I'd know them all, especially if they want dosage and times! He can see that I am "together" mentally, especially after seeing my OCD paperwork.
I asked how long it usually takes from the initial appointment. I expected him to say 6+ months, especially after all of the testing. Granted some of my testing is already "taken care of" but his answer was 6-8 WEEKS! Ahhhhhhh! That's soon. While I'm excited, I'm also terrified. This is an enormous lifestyle change and I guess it feels like that's a fast time to prepare mentally. On the other hand, the sooner the better, right?
In other news, I became a consultant for Thirty-One. My timing is pretty terrible as I'm dealing with the surgical stuff, but hopefully I can get something out of it, even if it's just a good group of Christian women supporting each other... and hopefully there are some close to me.
Well, "life" calls, so I have to say good-bye for now. I'll try to write again sooner next time - I know I say that every time, but if I'm going to be down for a couple of weeks I expect to be online more. So, happy new year! I wish you all the best.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Dear Fat People (link), Followed by My Musings....
I'm going to just post the link to this video and a response.
I am one of those "obese" people.... I am super obese or morbidly obese. You may have seen this video already. In fact, since I've been gone for a while, I missed all of the hoopla surrounding this. I'm glad I did. I'm in a pretty vulnerable place right now and hearing all of this (I'm sure it was all over Facebook, too!) may have done me a lot of harm. I am not a fan of the language they use, but I think it gets the point across.
I'd like to know who got together and decided what BMI is and what weight/height determines your BMI. Several years ago I was trying to determine my BMI and came across these numbers (I'm sorry, I've forgotten the site so cannot reference it directly):
>18.5 = underweight
18.5-24.9 = "normal"
25-29.9 = overweight
30-34.9 = obese
35-39.9 = severely obese
40-49.9 = morbidly obese
50-59.9 = super obese
Another stat I found at that time was that the CDC says a person who is 5'5" and 180 lbs has a BMI of 30. Yes, that is heavy, but obese? I think we're putting ourselves in these boxes that force us to reach a certain number, be it weight or BMI. We're trapped by that number, as if it defines who we are. I am fat and it is the first thing people notice about me, making it the last thing sometimes. Hubby and I switch between 2 different eateries before we go to the grocery store. We often have the same servers. They often won't recognize us until they see me. I am fat. I am memorable because of it. That is truth.
Here is the NIH BMI calculator. Frankly, I find it absurd. I once found myself getting excited that I was severely obese. I had lost enough weight that my BMI made me slightly less likely to die from the effects of being a fat chick.
What are your thoughts? How do you determine when you've reached a goal you have in mind for losing weight? Personally, I want to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I'd like to take my dogs for a long walk. I'd like to fit in a bathroom stall comfortably. I'd like to take walks with my husband. I'd like to not squish my husband in an airplane - I mean you have to admit that you or someone you know is thankful they aren't next to the fat girl on an airplane. I'd like to be comfortable in my clothes (being comfortable in my body is too far off to be realistic; I've spent 43+ years hating myself and my body so that won't get fixed by losing weight). I'd like to go into a medical appointment and be told that I have to lose weight - some docs have gone so far as to say that I need to lose 150 lbs, as if that will solve all of my problems. I'd like to shop in a store and not be limited to clothes in a catalog, hoping they fit. I actually hit the last one about this time last year, but both my husband and myself went on some binges. My emotional eating came out in full a lot and I gained back all the weight and more. Now I have to lay on my bed and suck my stomach in after putting on jeans or shorts and sitting in them for a bit to stretch them out so they will hopefully button and zip. Even then, it's quite a chore to get them on again.
So, those are my musings immediately after hearing of this video and watching it, as well as the response. I do want to add that I accept the responsibility for each and every bite of food I put in my mouth. It is my doing that I can't walk well. I also want to say that my age (43), my medications, and both of those add in to a horrible metabolism, making it even more difficult to lose weight.
I'd really love to hear others' thoughts.
I am one of those "obese" people.... I am super obese or morbidly obese. You may have seen this video already. In fact, since I've been gone for a while, I missed all of the hoopla surrounding this. I'm glad I did. I'm in a pretty vulnerable place right now and hearing all of this (I'm sure it was all over Facebook, too!) may have done me a lot of harm. I am not a fan of the language they use, but I think it gets the point across.
I'd like to know who got together and decided what BMI is and what weight/height determines your BMI. Several years ago I was trying to determine my BMI and came across these numbers (I'm sorry, I've forgotten the site so cannot reference it directly):
>18.5 = underweight
18.5-24.9 = "normal"
25-29.9 = overweight
30-34.9 = obese
35-39.9 = severely obese
40-49.9 = morbidly obese
50-59.9 = super obese
Another stat I found at that time was that the CDC says a person who is 5'5" and 180 lbs has a BMI of 30. Yes, that is heavy, but obese? I think we're putting ourselves in these boxes that force us to reach a certain number, be it weight or BMI. We're trapped by that number, as if it defines who we are. I am fat and it is the first thing people notice about me, making it the last thing sometimes. Hubby and I switch between 2 different eateries before we go to the grocery store. We often have the same servers. They often won't recognize us until they see me. I am fat. I am memorable because of it. That is truth.
Here is the NIH BMI calculator. Frankly, I find it absurd. I once found myself getting excited that I was severely obese. I had lost enough weight that my BMI made me slightly less likely to die from the effects of being a fat chick.
What are your thoughts? How do you determine when you've reached a goal you have in mind for losing weight? Personally, I want to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. I'd like to take my dogs for a long walk. I'd like to fit in a bathroom stall comfortably. I'd like to take walks with my husband. I'd like to not squish my husband in an airplane - I mean you have to admit that you or someone you know is thankful they aren't next to the fat girl on an airplane. I'd like to be comfortable in my clothes (being comfortable in my body is too far off to be realistic; I've spent 43+ years hating myself and my body so that won't get fixed by losing weight). I'd like to go into a medical appointment and be told that I have to lose weight - some docs have gone so far as to say that I need to lose 150 lbs, as if that will solve all of my problems. I'd like to shop in a store and not be limited to clothes in a catalog, hoping they fit. I actually hit the last one about this time last year, but both my husband and myself went on some binges. My emotional eating came out in full a lot and I gained back all the weight and more. Now I have to lay on my bed and suck my stomach in after putting on jeans or shorts and sitting in them for a bit to stretch them out so they will hopefully button and zip. Even then, it's quite a chore to get them on again.
So, those are my musings immediately after hearing of this video and watching it, as well as the response. I do want to add that I accept the responsibility for each and every bite of food I put in my mouth. It is my doing that I can't walk well. I also want to say that my age (43), my medications, and both of those add in to a horrible metabolism, making it even more difficult to lose weight.
I'd really love to hear others' thoughts.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Please...I Need Some Advice
I'll keep this short and sweet. If you are a person who is overweight, who is an emotional eater, who is bulimic, who is anorexic, who eats beyond to the point of being full, who thinks about food more than just at mealtimes (see other questions below).... what are your thoughts and feelings about OA (Overeaters Anonymous)? Have you gone to any meetings or know someone who has? Was it a good experience?
I have taken the following from their website:
I am giving serious consideration to this (with "encouragement" of my therapist) He has gone to the extent of researching which meetings are good and which are flops (like the one and only one I've ever been to) and finding me a contact he knows. There is a Saturday morning meeting about 35-45 minutes away, but UGH! However, I get up with the dogs at 7:00 am anyway, so I'm not really missing out on any sleep - except for the occasional nap after I feed them.
I am totally an emotional eater - good or bad - celebration or mourning/depressed/drowning my sorrows/etc. That is something I need to address. I'm terrified and simply want to know anyone else's feelings, thoughts, etc.
Their general webiste is oa.org; the above link came from here. The site is jam-packed with information and is worth just browsing if you feel like you fit into any of these categories, or know of anyone who may - just don't push it on them. They/I have to be willing to go independent of being told to do so. Oh, I guess I should be clear here: my therapist isn't forcing me to go, but really is encouraging and helping get past the anxiety.
Any advice???
(PS: sorry for any typos or weird sentences, if I've gone to change something and didn't fully remove what I thought was a better way to say something; my wrist still hasn't totally recovered so typing is pretty painful. I'm also exhausted - 11:30 pm and the depression gives me no energy to review it. Thanks for your understanding!)
I have taken the following from their website:
Is OA For You?
Are You a Compulsive Overeater?
Now that you have found Overeaters Anonymous, you may want to make sure our program is right for you. Many of us have found it useful to answer the following questions to help determine if we have a problem with compulsive eating.
- Do I eat when I’m not hungry, or not eat when my body needs nourishment?
- Do I go on eating binges for no apparent reason, sometimes eating until I’m stuffed or even feel sick?
- Do I have feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment about my weight or the way I eat?
- Do I eat sensibly in front of others and then make up for it when I am alone?
- Is my eating affecting my health or the way I live my life?
- When my emotions are intense—whether positive or negative—do I find myself reaching for food?
- Do my eating behaviors make me or others unhappy?
- Have I ever used laxatives, vomiting, diuretics, excessive exercise, diet pills, shots or other medical interventions (including surgery) to try to control my weight?
- Do I fast or severely restrict my food intake to control my weight?
- Do I fantasize about how much better life would be if I were a different size or weight?
- Do I need to chew or have something in my mouth all the time: food, gum, mints, candies or beverages?
- Have I ever eaten food that is burned, frozen or spoiled; from containers in the grocery store; or out of the garbage?
- Are there certain foods I can’t stop eating after having the first bite?
- Have I lost weight with a diet or “period of control” only to be followed by bouts of uncontrolled eating and/or weight gain?
- Do I spend too much time thinking about food, arguing with myself about whether or what to eat, planning the next diet or exercise cure, or counting calories?
Have you answered “yes” to several of these questions? If so, it is possible that you have, or are well on your way to having, a compulsive eating or overeating problem.
I am giving serious consideration to this (with "encouragement" of my therapist) He has gone to the extent of researching which meetings are good and which are flops (like the one and only one I've ever been to) and finding me a contact he knows. There is a Saturday morning meeting about 35-45 minutes away, but UGH! However, I get up with the dogs at 7:00 am anyway, so I'm not really missing out on any sleep - except for the occasional nap after I feed them.
I am totally an emotional eater - good or bad - celebration or mourning/depressed/drowning my sorrows/etc. That is something I need to address. I'm terrified and simply want to know anyone else's feelings, thoughts, etc.
Their general webiste is oa.org; the above link came from here. The site is jam-packed with information and is worth just browsing if you feel like you fit into any of these categories, or know of anyone who may - just don't push it on them. They/I have to be willing to go independent of being told to do so. Oh, I guess I should be clear here: my therapist isn't forcing me to go, but really is encouraging and helping get past the anxiety.
Any advice???
(PS: sorry for any typos or weird sentences, if I've gone to change something and didn't fully remove what I thought was a better way to say something; my wrist still hasn't totally recovered so typing is pretty painful. I'm also exhausted - 11:30 pm and the depression gives me no energy to review it. Thanks for your understanding!)
Friday, March 13, 2015
There is no title.....
I'm at a loss. Really, a total loss - and not the weight kind. My emotional eating has taken me back up to the weight I was when I started Weight Watchers (and maybe a little more, but I haven't gotten on the scale in a couple of weeks).
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Here's the thing: I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, my metabolism has decided to not work to its full potential as I age. Yes, I am not able to exercise outside of a pool environment because of money (I mean, how expensive is the Y these days -- it's outrageous!). Yes, I am on enough meds to kill a horse, all of which have "weight gain" as a side effect. But, when push comes to shove, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am the one not getting on the exercise bike in our spare bedroom (one of the few things I can tolerate without unimaginable pain). It's me. I was losing weight. I lost 26 pounds without knowing how, then I lost over 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I can do it, which means I am NOT a victim. It just may take me longer than most.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Brrrrr.......
It's cold here in the Mid-Atlantic of the US. I mean sub zero (F) temps. It's been a really good excuse not to exercise. I'll ignore the fact that I have an exercise bike in our spare bedroom - and I even dusted it off a few weeks ago. That counts as exercise, right? My emotional eating has also totally taken over my life. While I was down just over 30 lbs on Weight Watchers, I have gained most of it back. Once again, Ben and Jerry's became a good friend. It started in November. Then came Christmas and my birthday then Valentine's Day and now we are in Easter mode. We bought Reese's eggs and enough jelly beans (Just Born brand, of course!) to fill a small car.
This fat chick is on the weight see-saw. It's horrible. I'm so disappointed. I was finally able to shop in stores and not stuck with catalog shopping. I did pick up a shirt the other day at Kohl's - their 60%-80% off stuff... awesome deals! I figure maybe, just maybe I'll be able to fit into them by our cruise in May. I just have to steer clear of the jelly beans and Reese's eggs. This, friends, will be quite a chore!
I'm also in a very.... and I mean VERY bad place emotionally. For some reason I want to BUY - I came into some money recently and while I'm far from hypomanic, I want to buy stuff. Hubby suggested that I find some projects to work on and even came with me to the craft store to chose something. Yeah, um... that bag is in the dining room somewhere, with several other projects I was going to work on. I have to find my sewing machine before I can take it to get fixed.
There really isn't anything earth-shattering here, but it had been a long time since I wrote and I was feeling the urge to check in. I know there are some people out there - I know I have a few followers. I know someone will read this. I thank you for that!
One thing I just thought of - it was a year ago (almost) to the day that we had our "First in the Series" weight loss photo shoot. To be at the same weight as then.... (hubby, too) is more disappointing than I can describe.
This fat chick is on the weight see-saw. It's horrible. I'm so disappointed. I was finally able to shop in stores and not stuck with catalog shopping. I did pick up a shirt the other day at Kohl's - their 60%-80% off stuff... awesome deals! I figure maybe, just maybe I'll be able to fit into them by our cruise in May. I just have to steer clear of the jelly beans and Reese's eggs. This, friends, will be quite a chore!
I'm also in a very.... and I mean VERY bad place emotionally. For some reason I want to BUY - I came into some money recently and while I'm far from hypomanic, I want to buy stuff. Hubby suggested that I find some projects to work on and even came with me to the craft store to chose something. Yeah, um... that bag is in the dining room somewhere, with several other projects I was going to work on. I have to find my sewing machine before I can take it to get fixed.
There really isn't anything earth-shattering here, but it had been a long time since I wrote and I was feeling the urge to check in. I know there are some people out there - I know I have a few followers. I know someone will read this. I thank you for that!
One thing I just thought of - it was a year ago (almost) to the day that we had our "First in the Series" weight loss photo shoot. To be at the same weight as then.... (hubby, too) is more disappointing than I can describe.
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