Two years ago yesterday, my life changed. Two years ago yesterday, I took my biggest step in this very long journey. Two years ago yesterday, I did something some people think is the "easy" way out. Two years ago yesterday, I had bariatric surgery. I had a sleeve gastrectomy.
In the months between my initial appointment and my surgery date, I thought things were the most difficult they'd get. I had multiple appointments each week for tests and clearances, not to mention a couple of very large health scares. I didn't know it then, but that was just the beginning of this roller coaster... a roller coaster I'd ride again and wish I rode years prior.
I'm going to take the lead of a friend of mine who also had the sleeve surgery and talk about what I miss since surgery.
I miss pasta, rice, and bread (and oh boy do I!).
I miss ice cream (although Halo Top is pretty darn good).
I miss fast food - because sometimes you just want some fries and a Frosty.
I miss beef (because my sleeve doesn't tolerate it well), but a good burger or a nice filet sound really yummy, especially as we enter grilling season.
But I also have a list of things I don't miss...
I don't miss dreading my PCP's office calling with lab results, only to learn my blood sugar is pre-diabetic and my triglycerides and cholesterol are high.
I don't miss being embarrassed meeting new people and ashamed when I went with my husband to a work function.
I don't miss thinking how I'd like to do something (like going to the mountains to see waterfalls, for instance), but knowing that it wasn't feasible because I didn't have the physical stamina.
I don't miss having to skip rides at Disney because I didn't fit (or not trying because I was worried I wouldn't and couldn't bear that embarrassment).
I don't miss people asking if I was pregnant. This one was especially painful as a woman unable to bear children.
I don't miss being the most obvious, most stared-at person in the room, while simultaneously being the most invisible.
I don't miss being given the once-over at the airport to determine if I need to buy an extra seat.
I don't miss needing to ask for a seat belt extender when I did fly.
I don't miss getting winded walking up a flight of stairs.
I don't miss being forced to shop online because I wore a size too large to be carried in stores.
I don't miss needing to catch my breath after bending over to tie my shoes.
I don't miss being treated as sub-human, being ignored, and being talked "at."
I don't miss not being able to take my dogs for a walk.
I don't miss dreading the sight of a restaurant booth,.
I don't miss having to squeeze into the the drivers side of the car or an airplane seat.
I don't miss my C-PAP machine!
I don't miss taking 2 different blood pressure medications.
I don't miss people making judgments of me based solely on my size.
I don't miss people offering hugs to others but not to me (obesity is not contagious!).
I don't miss doctors dismissing very real and unrelated symptoms, blaming them on my weight.
*these lists are not by any means exhaustive, just limited by my current brain shutdown.
The list of things I miss...those are all tangible. But most of the things I don't miss are the opposite - they can't be held or touched or bought. They are intangible and they weren't going away unless I lost the weight.
On another note, 7 weeks ago today I had my panniculectomy. I saw the surgeon on Monday and he is pleased with how I'm healing. He said I don't have to return for 6 weeks, which about sent me into shock. I've seen him at least every week or two for the past 7 weeks. I think I'm going to have withdrawal!
I also saw my bariatric surgeon this week. While the 5 lbs of skin removed during my panniculectomy would have put me at half of my highest weight, I remain the same weight I was the day of surgery (I suspect due to fluid retention...that, and not being able to workout). I'm a stubborn woman (although the word tenacious is so much nicer, isn't it?) and will get to that 163 lb mark so I can officially be half of my former self. It just may take some time to do it because I'm slightly less strict with my diet than I was a year ago. However, the bariatric surgeon said that he wishes all of his patients were as successful as I've been, since I've maintained my weight within about 5 pounds for the past year.
You've come to learn that I'm very open about my journey and want to help out anyone I can. Please don't hesitate to share my blog if you know someone considering surgery or who has had surgery (either bariatric or skin removal).
Thanks for taking the time to read this!
Showing posts with label skin removal surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label skin removal surgery. Show all posts
Friday, May 25, 2018
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Cancelled Surgery and My Mood
It's not easy to admit, but my mood has taken a real hit since surgery was cancelled. This process has been very difficult for me for reasons I'm choosing not to reveal in such an open forum. Suffice it to say, having to delay it has really affected me. I feel more depressed and sometimes that means I want to eat emotionally - which is never veggies, I can tell you that!
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
I'm on a newer mood stabilizer, but have maxed out the dose. It's another month until I see the nurse practitioner so for now, I deal.
What does that look like? It means getting as much sleep as I can. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses (doesn't it seem like it should be illni?) so sleep can often evade me. I must maintain good sleep hygiene. I try to steer clear of the junk food. While I'm only ever able to do small amounts anyway, it's best to try to avoid the junk totally. It means I keep all of my doctor appointments - with all doctors. It means taking all of my meds, except those I'm now under mandate to stop (vitamins and supplements, most of which I'm taking since the bariatric surgery and aspirin). It means trying to move... to do something physical. I haven't been back to the trainer since the week before surgery was rescheduled. I have an exercise bike here at the house and I'll ride that for several miles while streaming something to distract myself. I've also taken on the enormous task, both with and without my husband, of walking the dogs. The fresh air won't hurt -- when it's not snowing (can I say - what's up with April snow?? I suspect it doesn't bring May flowers... just sayin'). It means maintaining relationships and not isolating, but keeping good boundaries and making very intentional decisions about when and what I do so I don't overdo it. That's the short list. And it's exhausting.
Tonight it means I'm going to bed super early. I see the surgeon in the morning to get final clearance for surgery. I did see a dermatologist about a week and a half ago and she was going to send a letter to the surgeon offering her opinion (which would not pose a problem with surgery moving forward on Friday).
Yes, this is a short post.... you're welcome ;) But having a lot of stress in my life does pretty horrible things to my mood and I felt like addressing it here was somehow necessary.
Friday, March 16, 2018
Panniculectomy
Yep, it's a big word - and it was a new one to me.... until January. That's when I was advised this was the procedure which would get rid of my excess skin. Some doctors do an abdominoplasty (a "tummy tuck"), but that is more involved and I would assume more difficult to get approved through insurance. A panniculectomy is strictly the removal of excess skin, whereas abdominoplasty (I've come to learn) has muscle involvement and sometimes some liposuction.
Now for the insurance part. I'm all but pulling my hair out over this one. I first saw the surgeon about this surgery on 1/8. I was put on the scheduled for 3/7, pending insurance approval. And there I sit - waiting. I have asked friends to pray for patience as I wait to hear one way or another so I know what step comes next. Well, push came to shove last Monday and the insurance company still showed my pre-cert request as "pending" so the doctor requested my surgery be pushed a week to 3/14, as it can take up to 15 days to receive a determination. UGH! My need for patience grows with each passing hour. I cannot get my pre-op EKG and blood work until I get approval because they will not pay for the workup. So I wait. And wait. And wait some more.
I got tired of waiting. We had a snowstorm here on 3/7 so I called my insurance company, knowing my doc's office would be closed. I was told that additional information had been requested the previous Saturday (say what?) by fax and they hadn't received anything in response. I was told some vague information about needing more evidence of prior treatments tried. Well, that was something I could get on! With my Mom being a nurse at my gyn's office (and my gyn being the one to document the rash which is the medical need for me to have this surgery), I called her up and she got on it when she got to the office the next day - after the storm. I received a letter from the insurance company on Thursday stating that they needed the pictures SNAIL MAILED in addition to the extra documentation. I immediately picked up the phone and called "K" (the surgery scheduler) to see if this was something I needed to handle. I left her a message, but didn't hear back from her that day. So...more waiting. Friday, K called me that she was on hold with the insurance company for an hour, transferred 3 times and eventually wound up in a voicemail. When she got a return call, she advised them that she needed to email the pictures (I mean, c'mon people, it's 2018 - it should not be that hard!) and that I'd already been rescheduled once and they didn't want to have to do it again. I let her know that I'd been in touch with the other doc's office and they had prepared documentation of other treatments used. She gave me her direct fax number so there'd be no delay.
And then there's more waiting because it's the weekend.....
Monday rolls around and I lose track of time until the surgeon's office was closed. So I picked up the phone and called the insurance company again. Thankfully I've gotten some incredible people (shy one) every time I've called. This was no different - if anything, it was better! I got a wonderful Customer Service (CS) rep who said that my account still showed that they were waiting for information. FOR REAL??? I'm supposed to have surgery in TWO DAYS and the requested information isn't there? The CS rep stayed on the line and called Utilization Management (UM). She helped me talk to her and the CS woman asked the UM woman if there was a place in their department where things sometimes got lost. Sure enough, the UM woman found the pictures and documentation! Praise God! The UM rep said she'd send my case along to a nurse reviewer with expedited status, but that it could still take 48 hours. I didn't have 48 hours! When the UM woman hung up, the CS rep asked me if I'd like her to check on my case first thing the next morning. It's like she was an angel.
After an incredibly restless night with very little sleep, I climbed out of bed and took the phone into the shower with me - because don't all important calls come through when you're in the shower? Well not this one. Sigh... It's TUESDAY and I don't know if I'm having surgery the very next day. I know that the hospital would call between 2 and 5 to let me know what time to show up the next day. I also had an appointment that would have me away from the house from 1:30-5:00 and my anxiety was through the roof.
11:15 am (Tuesday) comes and the PHONE RINGS! It's the surgeon's office. I anxiously picked up the phone to hear K on the line saying that it was approved!! The insurance company neglected to mention that the 15 day clock reset when the new information arrived. Thankfully, the power of prayer is strong and it was put through in 18 hours! I had a huge adrenaline rush and was super excited. Then it hit - I'm having a massive surgery the very next day. I'd put so much time and energy into getting it approved that the reality of it didn't hit until that moment. Before I left the house at 1:30, the CS rep at the insurance company called and told me that it had been approved! She gave me numbers that I needed and I was so touched and impressed that she followed through on what she said she'd do. There is a time difference so when she called I did already know, but I didn't tell her that; I was just so impressed that she went that extra mile! The Hospital did call and let me know that I had to be there at 12:30 pm. It wasn't ideal, but at that point I would have shown up at 2 am or 6 pm (fasting, mind you) if they told me to!
Keith and I arrived at the hospital early - in part because that's my personality and in part because we have to travel a road which is constantly under construction, unpredictable, and generally known for being horrible so it's always necessary to allow extra time when we travel on this road. I gave my information to an admin person, went back to the room and spoke with the nurse who checked me in and then I changed into the gown and got my IV. I reviewed a wide array of information with no fewer than 4 people (when did you last eat? drink? take <each> med/supplement/vitamin? blah, blah, blah...). They were all very efficient and things were moving smoothly. Then people kept coming in asking if the doctor had been in yet. I repeatedly had to say "no." They called him and said he'd be over any minute.
He arrived and it was almost as if I heard a choir of angels. He sat down and started to go over a list of questions I'd sent back in January. If you've had surgery, you know they will draw on you so everyone is in agreement before the surgeon makes a cut. He started to do that and then.... then he got to the sagging skin. He lifted it up and the rash - the whole reason I need the surgery - was too infected for him to operate. It's exactly where he'd be making the incision and the risk of an infection getting into my system (something I'd be dealing with for months) was too high. There was no room for negotiation. The risk outweighed the benefit at that moment. I tried my best to not lose it in front of him. He was visibly upset telling me. I've known him for years and we've shared some very heavy conversations. He said he'd put me on a 10-day course of antibiotics and an anti-fungal and advised me to take impeccable care of it until we schedule again for 2 or 3 weeks. I asked for 2 weeks, but of course it depended on when there was a time slot available in the OR.
The nurse couldn't come in fast enough to yank out my IV so I could put on my street clothes and get out of there. I just wanted to go home. If you recall any of the story of my bariatric surgery, it was the same outcome of a failed attempt. That time, however, I was under anesthesia and my blood pressure plummeted to the point where I nearly died. The pumped meds into my IV for 40 minutes trying to get it back to a normal level, but it never leveled out. When I woke up and was asked if I was in any pain, I was pleasantly surprised to say that I wasn't. Only later did I find out why and I was devastated. I had been working towards that day for 4 months and done 2 weeks of a liquid diet only for it to fail. This was just reminiscent of that.
One thing the doctor hadn't told me at my initial consultation was that in his experience, only 1 in 30 or 40 people get approved for insurance coverage. That's about 2-3%. I'm not sure if it was the amount of information put in front of the reviewer or the content, but it worked! I feel so thankful and so blessed to have had K and my Mom advocating on my behalf.
Let me say, if this is a procedure in your future or that of a loved one, please, see a doctor often and make sure there is consistent documentation of the issues your excess skin is causing. Don't be discouraged by the numbers above. Be consistent with getting those medical issues documented! I'm convinced it's what made the difference...what had me in that 2%!
I hadn't gotten home yet and K had called, leaving a message that she put me on the schedule for 4/6. I just had to call her to confirm. When I did, she reiterated that the doctor was really upset and that she was shocked after all we'd been through to get the approval.
If you're a prayer warrior, I'd love any prayers for my patience during this time and as I struggle with understanding why the disappointment. If positive thoughts are more your style, I'll happily take those!
So now I wait...again. I'd like to think that I'm not waiting alone. I'd like to think that anyone reading this blog is waiting with me. I'd like to think that my little blog can be far-reaching. The goal of my transparency with this little blog is to impact others. I want to be there to answer questions, to offer encouragement - not only with my bariatric journey, but in general. But if you know someone having bariatric surgery, or considering it, don't hesitate to give out my blog information. Reach out to me. Have someone with questions reach out to me. If you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll see I'm somewhat of an open book with many difficult topics. I try to be intentional with what I share and sit back and hope that it touches someone....better yet, lots of someones. Make comments. Ask questions. Reach out.
Now for the insurance part. I'm all but pulling my hair out over this one. I first saw the surgeon about this surgery on 1/8. I was put on the scheduled for 3/7, pending insurance approval. And there I sit - waiting. I have asked friends to pray for patience as I wait to hear one way or another so I know what step comes next. Well, push came to shove last Monday and the insurance company still showed my pre-cert request as "pending" so the doctor requested my surgery be pushed a week to 3/14, as it can take up to 15 days to receive a determination. UGH! My need for patience grows with each passing hour. I cannot get my pre-op EKG and blood work until I get approval because they will not pay for the workup. So I wait. And wait. And wait some more.
I got tired of waiting. We had a snowstorm here on 3/7 so I called my insurance company, knowing my doc's office would be closed. I was told that additional information had been requested the previous Saturday (say what?) by fax and they hadn't received anything in response. I was told some vague information about needing more evidence of prior treatments tried. Well, that was something I could get on! With my Mom being a nurse at my gyn's office (and my gyn being the one to document the rash which is the medical need for me to have this surgery), I called her up and she got on it when she got to the office the next day - after the storm. I received a letter from the insurance company on Thursday stating that they needed the pictures SNAIL MAILED in addition to the extra documentation. I immediately picked up the phone and called "K" (the surgery scheduler) to see if this was something I needed to handle. I left her a message, but didn't hear back from her that day. So...more waiting. Friday, K called me that she was on hold with the insurance company for an hour, transferred 3 times and eventually wound up in a voicemail. When she got a return call, she advised them that she needed to email the pictures (I mean, c'mon people, it's 2018 - it should not be that hard!) and that I'd already been rescheduled once and they didn't want to have to do it again. I let her know that I'd been in touch with the other doc's office and they had prepared documentation of other treatments used. She gave me her direct fax number so there'd be no delay.
And then there's more waiting because it's the weekend.....
Monday rolls around and I lose track of time until the surgeon's office was closed. So I picked up the phone and called the insurance company again. Thankfully I've gotten some incredible people (shy one) every time I've called. This was no different - if anything, it was better! I got a wonderful Customer Service (CS) rep who said that my account still showed that they were waiting for information. FOR REAL??? I'm supposed to have surgery in TWO DAYS and the requested information isn't there? The CS rep stayed on the line and called Utilization Management (UM). She helped me talk to her and the CS woman asked the UM woman if there was a place in their department where things sometimes got lost. Sure enough, the UM woman found the pictures and documentation! Praise God! The UM rep said she'd send my case along to a nurse reviewer with expedited status, but that it could still take 48 hours. I didn't have 48 hours! When the UM woman hung up, the CS rep asked me if I'd like her to check on my case first thing the next morning. It's like she was an angel.
After an incredibly restless night with very little sleep, I climbed out of bed and took the phone into the shower with me - because don't all important calls come through when you're in the shower? Well not this one. Sigh... It's TUESDAY and I don't know if I'm having surgery the very next day. I know that the hospital would call between 2 and 5 to let me know what time to show up the next day. I also had an appointment that would have me away from the house from 1:30-5:00 and my anxiety was through the roof.
11:15 am (Tuesday) comes and the PHONE RINGS! It's the surgeon's office. I anxiously picked up the phone to hear K on the line saying that it was approved!! The insurance company neglected to mention that the 15 day clock reset when the new information arrived. Thankfully, the power of prayer is strong and it was put through in 18 hours! I had a huge adrenaline rush and was super excited. Then it hit - I'm having a massive surgery the very next day. I'd put so much time and energy into getting it approved that the reality of it didn't hit until that moment. Before I left the house at 1:30, the CS rep at the insurance company called and told me that it had been approved! She gave me numbers that I needed and I was so touched and impressed that she followed through on what she said she'd do. There is a time difference so when she called I did already know, but I didn't tell her that; I was just so impressed that she went that extra mile! The Hospital did call and let me know that I had to be there at 12:30 pm. It wasn't ideal, but at that point I would have shown up at 2 am or 6 pm (fasting, mind you) if they told me to!
Keith and I arrived at the hospital early - in part because that's my personality and in part because we have to travel a road which is constantly under construction, unpredictable, and generally known for being horrible so it's always necessary to allow extra time when we travel on this road. I gave my information to an admin person, went back to the room and spoke with the nurse who checked me in and then I changed into the gown and got my IV. I reviewed a wide array of information with no fewer than 4 people (when did you last eat? drink? take <each> med/supplement/vitamin? blah, blah, blah...). They were all very efficient and things were moving smoothly. Then people kept coming in asking if the doctor had been in yet. I repeatedly had to say "no." They called him and said he'd be over any minute.
He arrived and it was almost as if I heard a choir of angels. He sat down and started to go over a list of questions I'd sent back in January. If you've had surgery, you know they will draw on you so everyone is in agreement before the surgeon makes a cut. He started to do that and then.... then he got to the sagging skin. He lifted it up and the rash - the whole reason I need the surgery - was too infected for him to operate. It's exactly where he'd be making the incision and the risk of an infection getting into my system (something I'd be dealing with for months) was too high. There was no room for negotiation. The risk outweighed the benefit at that moment. I tried my best to not lose it in front of him. He was visibly upset telling me. I've known him for years and we've shared some very heavy conversations. He said he'd put me on a 10-day course of antibiotics and an anti-fungal and advised me to take impeccable care of it until we schedule again for 2 or 3 weeks. I asked for 2 weeks, but of course it depended on when there was a time slot available in the OR.
The nurse couldn't come in fast enough to yank out my IV so I could put on my street clothes and get out of there. I just wanted to go home. If you recall any of the story of my bariatric surgery, it was the same outcome of a failed attempt. That time, however, I was under anesthesia and my blood pressure plummeted to the point where I nearly died. The pumped meds into my IV for 40 minutes trying to get it back to a normal level, but it never leveled out. When I woke up and was asked if I was in any pain, I was pleasantly surprised to say that I wasn't. Only later did I find out why and I was devastated. I had been working towards that day for 4 months and done 2 weeks of a liquid diet only for it to fail. This was just reminiscent of that.
One thing the doctor hadn't told me at my initial consultation was that in his experience, only 1 in 30 or 40 people get approved for insurance coverage. That's about 2-3%. I'm not sure if it was the amount of information put in front of the reviewer or the content, but it worked! I feel so thankful and so blessed to have had K and my Mom advocating on my behalf.
Let me say, if this is a procedure in your future or that of a loved one, please, see a doctor often and make sure there is consistent documentation of the issues your excess skin is causing. Don't be discouraged by the numbers above. Be consistent with getting those medical issues documented! I'm convinced it's what made the difference...what had me in that 2%!
I hadn't gotten home yet and K had called, leaving a message that she put me on the schedule for 4/6. I just had to call her to confirm. When I did, she reiterated that the doctor was really upset and that she was shocked after all we'd been through to get the approval.
If you're a prayer warrior, I'd love any prayers for my patience during this time and as I struggle with understanding why the disappointment. If positive thoughts are more your style, I'll happily take those!
So now I wait...again. I'd like to think that I'm not waiting alone. I'd like to think that anyone reading this blog is waiting with me. I'd like to think that my little blog can be far-reaching. The goal of my transparency with this little blog is to impact others. I want to be there to answer questions, to offer encouragement - not only with my bariatric journey, but in general. But if you know someone having bariatric surgery, or considering it, don't hesitate to give out my blog information. Reach out to me. Have someone with questions reach out to me. If you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll see I'm somewhat of an open book with many difficult topics. I try to be intentional with what I share and sit back and hope that it touches someone....better yet, lots of someones. Make comments. Ask questions. Reach out.
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
How do you feel?
I often hear the statement "you must feel SO much better." Wow, define "better" if you would, please. Do I have a stamina for physical activity I lacked at 326 pounds? Without a doubt! Do I feel less ashamed by my appearance, especially when meeting new people or seeing people I haven't seen for years? For sure! Am I relieved to not be the proverbial (and literal, it felt like) elephant in the room while being totally invisible all at the same time? You bet!
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
But do I feel better? That's a loaded question in my world. You see, I feel. I feel deeply. I feel pain. I feel the pain of fibromyalgia. I feel the pain of a mental illness. I feel the pain of being a trauma survivor. Losing nearly half of my weight... well, that doesn't change those "feels." In fact, I can no longer try to eat away those feelings. I can't shove a bag of candy down my throat in an attempt to turn off feeling all of that. There is no box of cookies to numb that.
Losing nearly half of my body weight doesn't make me able to work again. It doesn't shut off all the reasons I became disabled in the first place. It's easy to assume, and I choose to presume a very innocent thing to tell me how much better I must be feeling. But if I'm being honest, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, so in some ways I feel worse. This isn't an easy fix - none of it is.
I know around any corner is a monster waiting to steal from me. Not in the physical sense. Not having my wallet taken or my car broken into. But stress is a thief. For me, stress is a direct arrow shooting towards a decline in my mental health. Stress is everywhere and I work hard to manage it, but I remain aware of the damage it can do to me in no time flat.
I don't harbor ill feelings towards anyone who says that to me, who assumes I'm "fixed" because of having lost so much weight. I walk away frustrated by the ignorance our society holds regarding so many of the issues I had at my highest weight.... issues that didn't disappear when the weight did.
I work with a trainer twice a week. Do I feel like getting up and going to work out? Not usually. I don't feel energetic enough lately to get out of bed and pushing my body to its limits. In fact, I'd rather do just about anything before going to that gym. But I do it. It doesn't feel good. I do it because I know I need to. I do it because I've worked too hard to gain back the weight I've lost.
This may sound like a bit of a pity party and it's not - I assure you.
I will say that at my highest weight, getting up in front of a group of people to work my direct sales business felt more overwhelming than there are words in the English language to describe. I have gained confidence - both from losing weight and from having a successful business. But let me define success - because it's not the same for any individual who's reading this. For me, working my business, staying an active Consultant, helping people - that is success. I was a social worker. It's in my blood to help people. Now helping just looks different than it did. I help people find solutions to problems. I help a local food bank or cancer center by doing a fundraiser. That...that is success. Will I ever be able to go as far in my education as I'd hoped? It's not likely. I was going to get my PsyD, possibly simultaneously getting my JD so I could be an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. But because of my chronic illnesses, furthering my education is unlikely. I have had to redefine success. I want to inspire people, help people, prompt positive change in people. That is success for me.
Has my weight loss story been a successful one (if you'll allow me to use the word in a different context)? I'd like to think so. In fact, exactly one month from today I'm scheduled to go in for a panniculectomy to have excess skin removed from my abdomen, pending insurance approval (praying for insurance approval). A surgeon doesn't even consider that procedure if someone hasn't been successful in their weight loss journey. It's a long and tedious operation. It carries some risk. But he sees it as a good thing for me. He feels confident that insurance will approve the surgery. Am I at my goal weight yet? Not exactly, although I'm a matter of a few pounds away from being HALF of what I was. I'll lose a few pounds of skin and that's a good thing. I don't have pictures to show since I last wrote. In fact, I've had a few difficult weeks and have put some food in my body that's not ideal. I won't get on the scale. I won't let those few bad weeks define my journey...my success. But this surgery feels like the next step.
So, I hope you accept my honesty and bluntness. But know that assuming anyone feels "so much better" because of no longer being super obese (the actual BMI category when my number was over 54) isn't a safe assumption. There was more to me than my 326 pounds and there is still so much more to me than my 167 pounds.
Do I feel better? That's complicated.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Time Marches On...
I can't believe it happened - again! I've gone months and seemingly ignored this blog, although I haven't forgotten about it! Honest!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
I was incredibly concerned about food at Disney. It's always been one of our favorite things about our Disney vacations (this was my 13th trip; it was our 9th trip together, including our "Disneymoon"). We got the text that our room was ready and it turns out we'd been upgraded to "Club" (aka: concierge) Level. You know what that means? Free food! It also meant that we walked out onto our balcony the first night at the Wilderness Lodge after a long day at 2 different parks, and watched the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle. We were downright giddy! We'd also been eligible for the Free Dining promotion they offered. We weren't going to pay for the dining plan; I simply don't eat that much, but it was free, so we grabbed on! I tried some new foods and did well until the last day when I tried a few too many new things in one day and my sleeve rebelled (I vomited). Other than that, I did quite well. I even lost weight because of all the walking we do at Disney. It was an extraordinary vacation! We still enjoyed some great food, we had the upgrade, we were at our favorite place on Earth (the adult-exclusive beach, called Serenity Bay, at Disney's private island, Castaway Cay where we floated on mats in the clear ocean and just hung out talking - all the while our backs getting burnt, as we were laying on our stomachs), and we were on a phenomenal new ride, Seven Dwarfs Mine Train, during the nighttime fireworks. And those were just the highlights!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
Since I last posted, life has been rather hectic.
A couple of weeks after my last entry I drove myself 7-1/2 hours to Columbus, OH for Thirty-One's annual National Conference. I was admittedly anxious. It was a long drive alone and I'd never met anyone on my team (nor the women with whom I shared a room) in person. This was a leap of faith on many levels. I also wasn't sure what to expect with food, so went prepared with plenty of protein bars and I stocked up on healthy snacks so I didn't find myself getting overly hungry. But the anxiety was real. I will say that I am not a fan of bridges and tunnels and never gave any thought about needing to tackle both just to get through PA. I also don't drive in cities. I'll be honest. I was scared. The Lord has a sense of humor because as soon as I saw the first set of tunnels the songs from my playlist entitled "Breathe" came on. All I could do was giggle...and breathe. The songs served as a necessary reminder. It was mostly smooth sailing until I neared the city of Columbus. Now, living near Philly I didn't plan on Columbus being city driving - another example of me simply not thinking. It is a city. Period. It's not Philly, but it's not Suburbia, either. Once more, God moment when the skies opened up and an old Jars of Clay song, "Flood" played. The rain turned out to be a good thing, though, because it slowed traffic and allowed me freedom to read street signs going slowly and merge into the lanes necessary.
As for eating and Conference... it was a challenge, but one I handled pretty well. Our team did pizza one day but I stuck to my protein bar (as hard as that was!). One night I met with a new group of friends and actually just snacked on peanuts and raisins - a childhood lunchbox staple, altogether forgetting to eat a meal! I may have been lacking in my daily protein intake for those few days, but I didn't eat junk, so it's a fair trade-off. Plus, while I can't stomach plain water anymore, and you can't take bottles into the arena, I took individual packets of Crystal Light and bought a bottle of water everyday. It got the job done.
I did get back to work with my trainer after some significant time off following hand surgery. I swear some weeks he's trying to kill me. But seriously, I need the accountability so I keep going.
But then August hit. I was in a rough place and Keith went and developed a couple of kidney stones - OUCH! One of them was so large he required surgery for it to be blasted with a laser. He spent 2 nights in the hospital. A week later he had the stent removed. That same day (early September), I was admitted to the hospital for 24 days. Once again, food became an issue. But I was armed with protein shakes and bars. I actually lost weight while I was there!
After that "break," I was back with the trainer until we went on VACATION, leaving 2 days after our 22nd anniversary....the same date we'd left for our honeymoon! We took a brief cruise to on Disney Cruise Line and then took several days at Disney World. And for fun, hubby gave notice at his job as soon as we hit land. It wasn't ideal; he would have much preferred to tell his boss in person, but out of respect, he wanted to give the full 2 weeks notice. Anyway, it wasn't for fun because he had a great job offer on the table. We got back from vacation 12/14 and his last day of work was 12/22.
One HUGE non-scale victory for me - not needing a seatbelt extender on the plane. Even better, I just kept pulling the end tighter and tighter. It was a great feeling!
12/29 marked two years since I joined Thirty-One as an Independent Consultant. What started off as a bit of a roller coaster has become a consistent and thriving business. I love the company and what they stand for and the products can't be beat. I know I'm partial, but I love what I do. Since I'm not able to hold down a full-time traditional job and remain on disability, this is perfect.
12/30 was two years since my initial consultation with the bariatric surgeon. It was the day my new life started, even if it wasn't my "surgiversary." It was the day this portion of my journey began. It was the day my eating changed and I slowly began to add exercise into my life. It was the day I met the man who would give me a major tool for success in my weight loss. It was the day I started the most difficult, and most rewarding thing I've done for myself.
I lost just over 26 pounds this year. While I'm not at my goal just yet, I have fewer than 20 pounds to get there. I have a consultation with a surgeon for skin removal surgery in a few weeks. With hub's new job we have new insurance so I'm not sure what that will mean for payment. Lots to investigate!
Yesterday I had an appointment with a surgeon regarding skin removal surgery. I'm on the books for March 7, pending insurance approval. Not to be overly graphic here, but with all of the sagging skin, I have a persistent rash which means that there is a good chance insurance will cover the procedure. I'm anxious about it, but eager for the skin to be GONE! It makes me appear far heavier than I am. It's exciting!
I know I say this each time I write, but I really hope to post more often and want to be as open of a book as possible, so don't hesitate to ask questions and share this blog with someone you think may be interested - either considering surgery, had surgery, or is a support person for someone in either of those groups! And please subscribe if you want to read the antics I'm certain are in store for this year!
Now I've been lax about taking regular photos, but here is a collage I put together. It includes a slightly less-than-flattering picture from this past Saturday (with a sort of clingy shirt) but it's what I have and it's real, so I share it. I apologize for the big gap in timing between pictures. So I'll include an earlier collage with a couple of pictures not included with the most recent one.
Over and out, friends!
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