59 weeks on 7/11/17

Wow, is it seriously Summer??  And how did I go so long between posts?

Ok, well I can answer the second one...sort of.

I found myself in the hospital for 3 weeks, late January through mid-February, totally unrelated to surgery.  So, what is nutrition like when you're inpatient and you have to educate the nutritionist on what a bariatric diet looks like?  I'll tell you, it's not easy.  I had taken protein shakes and bars with me, as well as a few things for snacks - thankfully!  The nutritionist couldn't really meet my needs, but agreed to send up 2 hard-boiled eggs three times a week.  I know it's a bit debatable right now, but I didn't want to risk my cholesterol by having eggs every day and/or multiple times a day.

So there I was.  Stuck in the hospital.  Limited to shakes and bars, plus a few cheese sticks, carrots, and hummus.  Oh, and since water makes me nauseous, I had taken an insulated cup with me along with a pitcher and a ton of powdered drink mix.  Good thing or I would have been dehydrated in no time!  But I survived.  I was able to speak with the dietitian at my surgeon's office and get some tips before admission.  My hospital's nutritionist had little interest in talking with my dietitian.  Again, it was a good thing I did some advanced planning or I would have been in bad shape!

Back up until the beginning of January and I joined and gym and was meeting with a trainer twice a week.  Then the hospital hit, but after I got out, it was back to twice a week with SL (the trainer).

Plugging along, I get to March and start having problems with my right (and dominant) hand.  Alas, I have an EMG and find out that the carpal tunnel has gotten worse in that hand (I had surgery a few years back when the left one was the worst of the two).  A couple of visits later and I'm scheduling surgery.  More surgery, but this time it was going to impact my ability to function since I couldn't type or really do any chores at all.  It would seriously interfere with my training.  After getting the stitches out, I started back with the trainer, but hate to admit that it's been sporadic the past couple of months.

Some junk has come up, which I won't go into, but it's taken most of my time and all of my energy.  Ugh!  I feel like there's something at every turn really impeding my ability to be successful here.  I'm not making excuses, but this has been my reality.  Because of it, and surgery, I haven't been able to workout with my trainer much.  I had some consistency there, but that's gone, along with much of my motivation.  I need to get back there...or at least start walking (the dogs would love it if we took them!) or riding my exercise bike here at home.  Oh, one development is that we learned of a place where they refurb donated bikes and sell them for cheap.  We went there a week-and-a-half ago and ordered some bikes.  They had yet to be refurbed so we're waiting on them, but hopefully that'll get us moving, too!  This past weekend I did a bunch of yard work.  Especially when it's 90 degrees out, that's a workout, for sure!  It's something, right?

Ok, I had my ONE YEAR surgiversary appointment the end of May.  He seemed pleased and I was glad to be losing, albeit slowly at this point.

If you'll indulge me, I'm going to jump around a bit more here...

When I was in the hospital, it was like I was at a nursing home.  Breakfast was at 7, lunch at 11:30 and dinner at 4 (or was it 4:30?).  By nighttime I was famished!  Everyone around me was snacking and I had only no-sugar-added dried cranberries.  Blah.  There is only so much of one food a person can have.  At least with protein bars, there are oodles of flavors, so that didn't get dull.  Sometimes I had bars for breakfast since I didn't take my sugar-free coffee syrups to add to the shakes.  I had to mix it up.  Anyway, while everyone was snacking on cookies and chips at night, I sat there, ravenous.  And then it happened, I discovered sugar-free cookies.  It was a dangerous discovery and one which haunted me for months.  Just recently, however, on a call with my dietitian, we discussed the added calories these cookies are adding to my diet.  It took a bit, but I've given them up.  I keep fruit on hand to satisfy that sweet craving, but it's so much better than those cookies!

My cousin was married a couple of weeks ago and hubby and I went to the wedding.  Since I'm able to shop in actual stores and not limited to online, I got a great deal on a dress to wear just for the wedding (see picture).  I guess it's sort of funny, but I forgot my dress sandals and was forced to wear the ones you see in the picture.  Guys may not understand this, but most women will - there is something about heels that gives some level of confidence.  For me, I'm just excited that I can wear them and not (basically) know that I'm bound to fall.  But I forgot them...grrrr!  At least I had my non-dress sandals and wasn't forced to wear sneakers ;)

It's a funny thing.  When I was 326 lbs, I'd lose 20 lbs and nobody would notice.  Now, I've been stuck, losing only 20 lbs all year and people seemed shocked at how "great" I look.  It's a percentage game, I guess, but I feel like I've gotten nowhere and that's not what people see.  I think of how I lost 40-45 lbs before my wedding and went from 180 to 135/140 and the man at the bridal salon's jaw dropped when he saw me.  But at 300 lbs, 40 lbs feels like it doesn't even make a dent.  I find myself questioning if people feel like they have to say I look good because they know I had surgery and want to be encouraging.  Man, between that and the body dysmorphia, my head is messing with me - big time!  At the wedding last month, I definitely chalk it up to a good "gut-sucker-inner" - aka fake Spanx.

The guy that has operated on both hands now came up in a database of surgeons who also do skin removal surgery.  He has known me for several years and has seen the transformation so when I saw him yesterday, I said that I'd like to talk skin removal surgery at my next appointment.  My bariatric surgeon wanted me to wait until I was closer to my goal.  I'm praying that will happen by November when I see him.  Having my belly skin removed should be covered for medical reasons (rash), but I'd love to have my super gross thighs, arms, and chin done, plus (sorry guys), I'd kill for a boob lift!  Gravity is not a middle-aged woman's friend, let alone one who has lost a person in weight.  Since we can't afford to private-pay, I'll take what I can get.  Maybe for my birthday in January, I'll have this dang belly skin removed!

Vacation... we're going to Disney World!!  This isn't new for us and if you've read any of my blog, or know me in real life, you know that hubby and I are fanatical!  We're first doing a quick Disney cruise and then staying at WDW for several days.  Food is going to be very different from past trips.  In the past, food was a huge part of our trips there.  So many options, so many yummy options!  This year, I went through the menus available online and we chose places where I knew there'd be something I could enjoy and which (hopefully) wouldn't make me sick.  It'll be in the Fall but I'll still have to put on a bathing suit!  GASP!  What?  Yes, a bathing suit.  I did get a catalog which shows bathing suit bottoms which are capri pants (yee haw!), although I may go the longer shorts route.  I'll still have to display the bat wings, but I'm trying to keep a good attitude and say that they're war wounds.

I'm on a super supportive bariatric site.  I've been frustrated seeing people lose more weight than I have in over a year, when they're maybe only 6 mos out.  I admit, it's upsetting.  Someone wrote the other day that we each have our own journey and one person's isn't anothers.  It was something I needed to hear.  Heck, I'm on psych meds which slow my metabolism; I'm a woman and we have slower metabolism than med (super unfair, right?), and I'm in my mid-40s.  None of these things add up to quick weight-loss.  I've also been inconsistent with my workouts.  I have to keep my eye on the prize and know that I'm still down a lot of pounds and it's my journey and nobody elses.  Easier said than done, but I am so thankful to the woman who wrote that, just when I needed to hear it!  It's still part of the self-hatred, though....  Hey, what can I do but work on it?

Ok, well I'm going to try to keep this from getting any longer.  I'll also try to post more often.

Day 85 -- What Now?? I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to write!

First, I can hardly believe that yesterday was 12 weeks!  In some ways it feels like it's been that long, especially when I get a craving.  In other ways, that's a LONG time!  Since surgery, I'm down 31.6 lbs since surgery and 74.4 lbs from my first visit with the surgeon on 12/30/15.  I still feel like I'm looking into those circus mirrors, though.  Especially when I take pictures from the side (you'll see in pictures below that there are none of those!), I look pregnant and don't see much of a difference.  It's a circus mirror - it must be, right? :P

Well, we went out to that same restaurant again (the high-end steak and seafood house) -- this time for my Mom's birthday.  I was going to see my Aunt and Uncle on my Father's side  (who I haven't seen in nearly 3 years) and my Uncle and his wife on my Mom's side (who I haven't seen since last Christmas).  I admit, I was a little excited.  Anyone I haven't seen in a long time can see a difference.  It's a nice feeling for people to compliment me (although I still have that water-off-a-duck's-back "disease"), be happy for me, and encourage me.  Don't get me wrong, I get that from friends and family here, but there's just something different when they see a drastic change.

Knowing that I was going to see family who I hadn't seen in a long time, I decided to treat myself to a new dress!  You can see part of it in the picture below.  I did get a "gut-sucker-inner" (my general label for any Spanx-type products.  There is a part of me that really protrudes in whatever I wear and this dress was no exception.  As far as clothes and shopping go, I'm just excited to be able to shop in a real, in person store!  I have found some old clothes which fit (or hopefully will soon) and I certainly don't have a problem wearing them.  Many are from when I worked, so are dressier than something I'd wear with denim shorts.  I was at the dentist last week - I see the same hygienist each time.  She was so surprised and so happy for me, telling me she can't wait to see me in 6 months and gave me a big hug.  Back to my point -- she told me of a thrift shop about 10 minutes from the dentist (who is already 30 minutes from home), so I stopped in there.  They had brand new clothes, tags still on, for under $10!  Some clothes were 50% off so I got something like 7 new shirts and a dress for under $40.  I foresee myself spending a lot of time here in the next year.  Great store!  Clean, nice clothes, jewelry, expanding to include furniture.  A real gem!  I never would have thought that I'd get excited about shopping again!

At the restaurant, I ordered the same: 3 scallops and asparagus, both grilled.  I'm not sure why I bothered getting the asparagus because I'm too full to eat it, but one of my nephews took it to have it with his leftover dinner.  For that matter, I wasn't able to finish 3 scallops over the course of more than the 30 minutes I'm supposed to take to eat.  We picked up an ice cream cake for my Mom (after dinner, so I was stuffed!) and I was so full from dinner that it didn't even phase me, which I feared it would.  Sure my brain wanted some, but my body said "UH-UH, NO WAY!"  Having a complete aversion to vomiting - seriously, who doesn't (?) - I decided to listen to my body.  No cake for me (is anyone else saying that in the "no soup for you" voice?  Ok, maybe it's just me...)!

I'm still trying to figure out the brain hunger vs. body hunger aspect of this whole thing.  I'm not used to giving any concern to that.  Before surgery, hunger was hunger, period.  And it meant that I ate.  Period.  And that meant that I got to be over 310 lbs and needed this surgery after numerous, almost countless, attempts to do this thing on my own.  I try to eat every 3-1/2 to 4 hours to make sure I get my protein and to help me prevent headaches.  Every medication I take is being metabolized differently now.  I weigh significantly less, which automatically means there is less of me to pump those meds through.  It's going to be a balancing act until I land at a reasonable weight (whatever that may be) and can figure it all out "for real."  According to my doc's office, most of the weight will come off in the first 18 months; by next Christmas, I should be golden!  Until then, trial-and-error pervade my life.  Life is just different and in limbo more than usual.  But I signed on for this and have put too much into it to just throw it all away!

I started doing water aerobics (can't remember if I've said that before), but have been somewhat inconsistent due to a variety of reasons.  I have, however, continued to see the scale go down.  I mean, how could it not?  I'm eating around 800 calories a day.  Anyone is going to lose weight doing that.  I was excited to be able to add fruit into the mix (after I've gotten my protein and some veggies).  It's that something sweet that I've wanted.  I also made chicken salad, using Short-Cuts (Perdue), with Greek yogurt instead of mayo - try it sometime; not only does it pump up the protein, but it offers up a change in flavor.  I so desperately wanted to add grapes to it, but ran it first the dietitian first and was thrilled to get the go-ahead!!!  We've branched out some with our meals, trying new recipes, many of which have been quite good!

I've been taking pictures about every 4 weeks.  While not all of them are clear (and I've kept my face out of them, even though people have told me that's where they can really see a difference), I have decided to post some pictures to date.  Before I do that, let me say that from my first visit with the surgeon at 304 lbs, and a surgery weight of 261.2, I think I'm on the right track.  I just have to get my butt in gear with increasing exercise, but that's another story.  Ok, here goes nothing (and you get to see how sloppy and dirty my bedroom and mirror are):

At my Mom's party (on 7/30/16), my Uncle's wife took this picture:

Not too shabby, huh?

I have to tell you that I realize I look pregnant in the 8 week picture - it's the shirt; it's just not cut right for my body.

I can't tell you the last time that I was under 230 pounds!  I mean, I could look back because I have calendars up in my night table, but I don't feel like going up there right now.  I can tell you that it's been MANY years!  And the last time I did hit it, it didn't last long.  I was probably about 180 when I first started therapy in March of 2000.  When I stopped working in November of that year, I wouldn't be surprised if I was around 200 (meds are a horrible contributor!).  There was a shirt I found and there is a picture of me wearing it on a 2007 trip to Disney World.

I'm becoming more accustomed to the dietary changes.  I still forget to eat sometimes.  I typically start off my day with a protein shake (between 33-35 grams of protein - I'm supposed to get between 60-80 grams daily).  A protein bar is usually 20 grams.  Then I'll have Egg Beaters or Rosemary Chicken, Chicken Lettuce Wraps (better than PF Changs, in my opinion), Chicken "Fried" "Riceless" Rice... and I keep trying new things.  The last 3 got serious approval from hubby, especially the Rosemary Chicken and the Lettuce Wraps - 5 stars!  I have a number of bariatric cookbooks and am trying to get adventurous (within the confines of my dietary restrictions, since each program is different).

Big news on the Jen front:  I can CROSS MY LEGS!!!  No, it's not ankle to ankle or lower calf to lower calf, but it's not ankle to knee!  Again, something someone who hasn't been morbidly obese doesn't even think about, but it's one of those things that comes into play.  Wear skirts is awkward, but now I can without fear of showing a little too much of myself!

I also went shopping - in my very own closet!  Ok, much of what I found is from before I went on disability in 2000 so it has shoulder pads.  Fear not, those will be removed before that garment comes anywhere near my body (other than trying it on).  I absolutely will not - WILL NOT - be leaving the house with shoulder pads, unless I'm going to an 80s themed party (highly unlikely).

I said to hubby last night as I was struggling to get in my minimum protein that people think surgery is the easy way out.  They have NO clue - and it's not their fault, they just don't have the experience or know anyone who has and has been honest about it.  The hard work starts when real food enters the post-op world.  When I go to the gym, I have time to eat a Greek yogurt (12 grams protein) because it takes me an hour or so to down a protein shake and I don't have that kind of time.  When I get home I shower and blah, blah, blah and by the time I eat again, I'm already behind the 8-ball.  I'm figuring it out, though... little-by-little.

The next hurdle is vacation next month.  Just being at the supermarket last weekend with the Halloween candy out, I was reminded of the fudge, salt water taffy, funnel cake/funnel fries, pizza, burgers.... you know how it is.  I mean, how many people go on vacation without food playing a fairly major role?  C'mon... be serious!!  I'll definitely be having a long conversation with my dietitian!  I'll be packing my Magic Bullet so I can make protein shakes and some protein bars for when we're out and about.  I also think we'll pick up some Egg Beaters and string cheese sticks to have on hand for a 6 g protein fix.  From someone who isn't a big fan of cheese, I'm shocked at how much I'm eating - Weight Watchers brand makes a smoked mozzarella string cheese and they are pretty stinkin' good.  The plain ones were really hard to get down.

Ok, so, if you've kept up with the blog, you've seen the restrictions.  I've worked to darn hard to screw this up.  What do you think would be the most difficult thing for you?  I know I've offered up plenty of opinions and shared a lot of my story.  But, how would you handle this?  I venture to say that you'd be able to do more than you ever thought possible.  Don't for one minute, though, ever tell anyone who is considering or has had bariatric surgery that it's the easy way out.  There's no cheating if you want to succeed.  No "one Skinny Cow candy bar is fine," "I can have just one chip and it'll be ok because I can stop there" or "one bowl of pasta won't hurt" - NO!  WRONG!  This is hard work.  Just ask anyone who has been around me and sees what I eat and how I eat.  HARD WORK!

I know there are some reading this blog who are considering the surgery.  I do not discuss the difficult things to dissuade you from having the operation (whichever one you and your doctor deem appropriate with the greatest opportunity for success).  I just want you to go into it with your eyes open.  It is one of the major reasons I'm putting myself out there.  Also, maybe you know someone who is going to have one of the bariatric surgeries.  You need to know what they'll be going through.  You need to know how to support and encourage them.  You will be a vital part of their success.

On an unrelated note, this year I have begun a very small "business" as an independent consultant for a direct sales company.  I have gained some confidence, both with the ability to wear something that doesn't look like a tent, and having positive feedback from what I've done with this.  Being on disability, I'm not able to do a lot, but this allows me to set my own schedule and have parties when I feel well enough, do Facebook parties, and even have hostesses who opt for catalog parties.  It can be really stressful sometimes and that's hard on me emotionally, but when something goes well and I can help someone achieve one of her goals, it's certainly heart-warming.

How can I help you?  What questions can I answer?  What support can I offer you or a friend?  Please don't hesitate for one minute to ask.  I mean, if I've posted that awful 310 lb picture, I'm willing to discuss "almost" anything.  I want to help, encourage, support and celebrate your experience!

New Experiences - 46 Days Out (this number has changed many times as I continue to write, and write, and write....)

Wow, this has been a crazy time!  I'm sorry I've neglected this for so long.  I started to write a couple of weeks ago, but then... well... life just got in the way.

Where to start?

Part of the delay was some pain I'm having.  It's all along the left side of my abdomen and the LRNP said that it wasn't pain I should be having at this stage, so I had an unexpected visit downtown.  Thankfully hubby was able to take off.  She (the LRNP) said that it's unlikely the pain is surgery-related, but they ordered a few tests just to see if they can determine what is causing it.  I'm waiting on the results of one; the other required a pre-cert and I didn't get the info to schedule until it was too late, so I'll be calling for that appointment on Monday.  I do hope they figure this out!  Actually, just today (Saturday), hubby and I were out running some errands and wandering the mall - I haven't been able to walk the mall in years.  I realized I could go to Chick-fil-A and get grilled nuggets.  I got the 8-piece, but could only finish 5.  I'll know to get the children's portion next time.  Then I had to wait 30 minutes to drink, which about killed me.  On top of that, I had my ongoing clothing frustrations (more about that below) and I was having some arthritis pain (you don't spend much time being morbidly obese before your body rebels!).  We left to head to our main destination, and one of my absolute favorite stores - The Container Store!!!!!  Unfortunately the abdominal pain increased dramatically, almost out of the blue, so hubby knew something was wrong when I wanted to leave there... and not even stop at Target on the way home.  So here I sit, protein shake in next to me, typing away.

Now, I had my first experience at a restaurant.  I was super anxious.  A few days prior I had a hamburger and it didn't sit well.  Dinner was planned for hubby's birthday and my parents were taking us to a steak and seafood restaurant.  I called the dietitian in a hurry!  She pulled up the menu on her computer and we went through the menu over the phone (did I mention how wonderful she is?).  I assumed I'd get the scallop appetizer, but the menu didn't make it as straight-forward as it used to be; I also never paid attention before and it is a sauteed dish, therefore cooked in butter - a big no-no.  We worked together to figure out a plan and a few days later, we headed down to my folks'.

The day came and I felt somewhat not-at-all prepared.  I have a letter from my surgeon saying that I've had an operation and that I should be permitted to order a lesser amount of food (off the children's menu, if need be) for a proportionate cost.  I was armed going into the restaurant.  My parents go here often, so they have a favorite server and asked for her.  While we were being seated, my father graciously took the server aside and advised her of my situation.  She was wonderful and told me to order what I want/need from the menu and the chef would make it work.  I did get the scallops, grilled, along with some asparagus.  I wasn't able to finish the 4 scallops, so by bariatric "law" (of my program), I didn't have any of the veggie.  I love vegetables, so this is killing me!  But rules dictate that I eat my 3 oz of protein before I have my ounce of veggie.  And I held firm to the rules.

Major Eating/Lifestyle Changes:

• stop drinking 15 minutes before eating
• take at a minimum, 30 minutes to eat (preferably more with the amount of nausea I've had); because of this, I've gotten used to finishing my meals cold.
• eat 4 oz meals, getting 60-80 oz of protein in daily (historically, people in my specific program have had a higher rate of success with having a protein shake/bar for one meal per day).  It may not be logical, but different doctors/programs have different rules - both pre-op and post-op.  It's not like removing a gall bladder or fixing a torn ligament.
• as I mentioned before, I am now permitted 1 oz of veggies and 3 oz of protein, but the protein must, must, must come first.  Greek yogurt is an excellent source of protein so a number of the bariatric recipes I have include that as an ingredient, or I'll just have a cup of cherry  (or whatever) and it has 12(!!!) grams of protein.
• meals should be between 3-4 hours apart
• do not drink until 30 minutes after eating (this one has been the most difficult, I think... we're all so used to drinking throughout our meals, so to not pick up my glass until 30 minutes after I'm through is an enormous change -- try it... it's HARD!)
• it is absolutely necessary to get in 64 oz - at the very least 50 oz - of water/Crystal Light (something with no caffeine, no sugar and non-carbonated) daily; dehydration is the number one reason for people to be re-admitted following surgery

So yes, there are restrictions and some of them are more difficult than one who hasn't been through the process can understand.  It's a matter of priorities.  It's also a matter of being incredibly strict in following my dietary requirements.

I had my first session with my food/eating therapist since surgery.  She's a real cheerleader for me and my journey and reminds me all the time how far I've come and how much I'm doing to follow the strict rules.  I don't take compliments terribly well, so it's a bit like water-off-a-duck's-back, but she knows that.  I had the same experience with my psychiatrist earlier this week.  I've always been hard on myself, so it's not something new.  The only person on my mental health team who has supported me throughout the entire process is my psychologist.  (the food therapist is new).  The psychiatrists I've seen in the past (especially the one I saw for the longest time - 9 years, I think) would have just set up another appointment and said they'd see me after surgery.  All 3 of these people wanted to know as soon as possible how surgery went.  My psychiatrist was really happy - surprised even - that hubby emailed her not long after the surgery was over.  She thanked me/him for that and I thanked her for caring enough to ask.  I haven't even been seeing her a year and she's done everything to encourage me and support this process.  When I talked of the financial hardship of seeing a second therapist, she didn't think twice and told me to see her less often if that would help.  She's there by email and phone if I need her.

I had an appt at the neurologist's office and talked with her about decreasing doses on some of the meds they have me on for my migraines, because they can also be used for psych purposes.  They are older meds and have a greater chance to cause weight gain - working against what I'm working to do!  In conjunction with my psychiatrist, I am cutting one of the biggest offenders in half (to start) and the other I take 1200 mg 3x/day and that is being cut to 900 mg 3x/day.  I hope to be off my cholesterol med by the Fall, and even though my psychiatrist added back in one med (I went off it due to a variety of screw-ups) I can just pray that she will take me off the one I currently take once I'm up to a therapeutic dose.

Clothes:  I'm finally starting to find myself shrinking out of clothes.  I was so frustrated being stuck in the same size clothes as 50 lbs ago!  But just within the past 1-2 weeks I've noticed that my shirts are sliding down my shoulders and my bra straps are showing.  That hasn't been the case in nearly forever!  My old body had a fairly basic pound to size ratio.  When I was 310 lbs, I wore a 30/32.  I'm under 250 - oh right... did I mention that I'm UNDER 250 ????  I don't remember the last time that was the case, so my mind keeps saying that I should be in a 24/26, but that's not totally the case.  It wasn't a science before, but now it's all over the place.  I did go this afternoon to a Catherine's outlet store.  I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes, since I just don't know what size to buy and I'll say it again - I definitely do NOT want to spend a lot of money!  So, I left empty-handed, but have become friendly with one of the employees, so we chatted for a bit and that was nice.  The same has been true for all of my shopping escapades of late.  It turns into one big frustrating mess!  I'm going to wind up naked before I know it - and nobody wants to see that!

I had a appointment in the town where I grew up, so met some friends for lunch afterwards.  In talking with one of my friends she asked where I wanted to go.  I haven't lived there in over 20 years, so I'm not entirely sure what the options were.  In talking with her, I said that breakfast is easy for me, since I can just order eggs.  We decided on a place.  When I walked in, all I saw were booths.  In the past, this was fear-inducing.  Will I fit?  Will I be able to breathe?  Will my belly wind up hanging onto the table?  Will people stare?  Last week, though - no problem!  Plus, inches to spare!  For anyone who's struggled with obesity that's a huge accomplishment (no pun intended).  Part of me can't wait to go to our local diner.  I haven't been there in many months and I'm eager to just sit down and not have to request a table - that's awfully embarrassing... or even more embarrassing is them asking if a booth is ok.  This is one check in the "win" box!

Another great thing about that lunch is that I haven't seen these women in over 2 years.  It was wonderful catching up in person and not just via Facebook posts and messages or texts.  But, while they know this is the path I'm on now, I haven't posted any recent photographs, so I was almost giddy at their reactions.  I know, it still falls under the "water-off-a-duck's-back" concept, but it was still really nice to hear.  Like my doctor/surgeon says, I'm with me everyday.  It's only those who don't see me for a long stretch who will really notice.

I'd been slacking a bit with exercise, but also found myself unhappy with my weight loss numbers.  I'm the only one who can change that, so I sucked up the pain (to a certain level - I still have to listen to my body) and hopped back on that bike.  With having a TV in that room, I can stream shows and movies through amazon prime and not have to pay for an additional FiOS box.  At this point, I'm doing about 7 miles in between 23-26 minutes.  I have yet to put on that bathing suit and jump into the pool for water aerobics.  With my mood all over the place I am not finding the energy to get up and at 'em in time.  Hence my time on the bike (plus I don't have to leave the house - huge bonus some days).

Jewelry is also an issue for larger or obese women.  It's not something I'd considered before it became an issue.  Necklaces don't fit properly and if they do, they become chokers when they're not meant to be.  I also kept having to get a larger and larger band to wear as a wedding ring.  One Christmas, hubby got my original rings sized.  I cried because it was the best gift.  It made me feel normal again (if that makes sense).  Now those rings are getting loose.  Because of the heat, they aren't in danger of falling off, but I have to keep a eye on them so I don't lose them once the weather cools.  Also, out of curiosity I tried on my college ring and wouldn't you know it fit?  Such an amazing feeling.  I still weigh (probably) 70 lbs more than I did then, but the fact that I could get it on and not have to cut if off was another win!  I won't be wearing it anytime soon, but I moved the infinity ring hubs got me for Christmas to another finger so I could get used to it there and be prepared to wear my college ring again!  Woo hoo!

This may sound really odd to someone who hasn't had the experience of losing  significant weight, particularly when it's rapid, but skin starts to sag.  It's not pretty, but it's all part of the journey.  Well, I noticed the other day that my arm flab was less taut than it used to be.  Yes, that's right, I'm having skin sag!  It's hard to explain it, but it's a good feeling.  I'm trying not to think about skin surgery so early in my journey, but it's something I may consider down the road, depending on the condition of my body when all's said and done.  Insurance doesn't typically pay for it because they see it as cosmetic so it would create a rather sizable financial burden.  At the same time, having this skin issue could create other problems, medical problems.  One thing at a time, though.  It was just exciting that there was some evidence I was able to see!

Now, this last one is still a source of anxiety for me.  In a couple of months, we are going on vacation.  The dietitian said to cross that hurdle when I come to it, but it's still a big uncertainty.  Food is usually a big part of vacation.  You get to eat out and have some foods you would otherwise avoid (have you heard of funnel fries -- YUM!).  But this year will be vastly different.  I don't want the Mr. to miss out on the yummy things they have there.  I also treat myself to a drink or two while we're on vacation and that's a big no-no.  I'll work around it and the dietitian will coach me before we go so I have ideas for restaurants.  I have the protein bars, some of which are actually delicious.  I can take stuff down to make protein shakes.  I just don't want to be limited to chicken for all of my restaurant meals.  I do know of one place with amazing scallops; they  just can't be sauteed because of the butter.  But I'm sure they will grill or broil, just like the steakhouse for hubby's birthday.

I know this has been a crazy-long post and thank you if you made it all the way through.  Please forgive any disjointedness or typos but I've been writing like crazy to not delay this any longer and to make sure I didn't forget anything.  I know there have been people who have expressed interest in this blog and how they have found support through it or are considering the surgery and want to read more.  I can't tell you how much that means to you.  Part of the reason I decided to make this blog public was to help even one person.   Please, please, please, ask questions!  You can bet I'll be honest.  Heck, at this point it's all on the table anyway.  Also, don't hesitate to join the site; you'll get an alert when I post in the event that I forget to put in on FB.  You can find it in a blue box on the right side, below all of my profile info and right about "followers."

Well, hopefully things will get less eventful, although every day finds something new - a new food my tastebuds like and my body agrees with (or the opposite), or what exercise has been working and what may be causing some unnecessary pain.  I'll also try to check in more often so you don't feel like you've just finished reading a bad novel by the time you reach the end.

Day 27 and Moodiness Abounds (Not to Mention Some Serious Anxiety)

I won't be weighing again until tomorrow, but I felt like I had to write.

I don't know if this is a common experience among bariatric patients, but I'm moody as all get-out.  This has been happening for weeks now, but the past 48 hours have been especially difficult.  I'm not exactly sure why.  I know that I'm frustrated trying to figure out what to eat as I'm back on "human" food.  There is a question about what came directly from the program with my doctor and dietitian and what I may have printed out from other sites.  I really thought I'd only printed info from the program I used, but now I'm questioning myself and it's driving me crazy!  I've been through my hospital's program over and over and can't even find what I know came from them!  I'm losing my mind and getting more frustrated along the way.

I'm anxious about starting on real food, about what my pouch will tolerate and about leaving the house when I'm trying new foods.  I made my final batch of pureed food today; just 2 meals left.  But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  This is scary.  I haven't had real food since the middle of last month (and then there was only a few weeks prior to that when I did 2 weeks of liquids to prep for the failure).  Can I eat veggies?  Will my pouch allow meat?  What about eating out?  Keith's birthday is this week and we'll be going out to eat.  I'm now supposed to have 3 oz of a high protein food and then 1 oz of veggies.  But what can I eat?  What should I eat?  What will I eat?  Will it be accepted by my sleeve?

I had gone through my bathing suits and found 2 or 3 which currently fit.  I was all mostly ready to go to water aerobics.  Yesterday Keith and I went and checked out the gym so I knew where I was going, etc.  I got halfway there and realized that I didn't have the lock for a locker.  I wasn't about to leave my keys and wallet in an unsecured locker.  Well, I got home and was SO frustrated.  I admit that I was angry, thinking that Keith was the last one to touch it and he must have put it somewhere and that I didn't know where it was.  Please, forgive me Keith.  My anger was unfounded.  I went again to check the bedroom and found the lock tucked in the quilt folds.  I felt like such an idiot.  My anger was for nothing and had I looked closer, I would have found it and been able to start water aerobics.  Wednesday I know I won't be able to go for the class (which is fine; I can always go and walk the pool).  The days I have afternoon appointments will be difficult to do the class, but somehow I have to make it work.  Hey, I'll (probably) be starting at the 4 week mark.  That's not half bad, huh??

That anger has really affected my mood, making it worse than it was already.  I'm so ticked off!  I can't handle going deeper into the darkness.  I have worked so hard to make this surgery successful and I don't know how to separate the two.  I started out with this stupid mental illness.  I know that losing weight wasn't going to make the depression disappear.  I've felt pretty good for the better part of the past several months (minus the week following the failure).  Now I feel like I'm back where I started.

What the heck is going on?  I'm totally unmotivated as far as the exercise is concerned.  I have no interest in even getting on the bike, in spite of having the TV up there and some cool amazon prime streaming shows/movies.  I've said all along, I worked so hard to make this surgery happen.  The doctor visits.  The tests.  The clearances.  The liquid diet - twice.  The pureed diet.  Now, the fear of returning to real food tomorrow.  If my emotional state gets in the way of that, I'm not sure how I'll cope with that.  I so desperately want to go off my meds, especially those which have weight gain as a common side effect.  I NEED to be successful.  This is the final attempt to get this fat off.  I weigh myself tomorrow and have to have lost weight or I think I'll lose my mind (even more)!

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I know I've rambled about this emotion thing.  It's just such a big part of who I am.  I return to my food/eating therapist this week.  We'll see how that goes.....  Thanks again!

Life

Life holds many things, some of which are positive and some of which are negative.  If I'm going to reveal some things about myself, I'm not only fat, I'll share that I suffer from bipolar disorder and have a number of physical problem which are unrelated to my weight (not to mention those which *are* weight-related).

So, my life now holds a membership to the Y.  For several weeks at the end of the year I was talking water aerobic classes.  Being in a bathing suit is not thrilling, but being in the water is far better for my body than trying to workout in the gym.  I did lose 16 lbs, but haven't been in weeks and gained back 4 of those lbs.

Life also holds a house full of critters - 2 large dogs and 2 cats.  I haven't been able to walk the dogs due to the abuse on my body from the pulling but we've ordered a new leash (the Wacky Walk'r) which is supposed to buffer that pressure.  We also got the related Crazy Coupler so that I'm only holding onto one leash and the dogs can't get tangled.  We'll see how this works.

Food.  This really deserves a post all of its own, but I'll just say that I have a sweet tooth which is absolutely destroying me.  My eating habits have gotten pretty bad - not only do I crave chocolate, but I totally have an addiction to carbs.  These things aren't the best way to enjoy food if I'm going to lose weight.

I need to lose about 150 lbs, although I'll settle for 120 (from this point, so on top of what I've already lost).  As I said in another post, I've considered lap-band surgery.  I don't want to do gastric bypass, but it seems like lap-band is a reasonable alternative.

This is my life as it stands now.  Ironically, I'm off to go have some tortellini for dinner.