8-19-15

I have been participating in the #100happydays challenge on my Instagram account.  As the 50 day mark has been approaching I have been thinking, "I really need to find something spectacular to post on Day 50."  Earlier this week, when I was calculating the days, I realized that Day 50 would be today.

It is not a coincidence.

Today marks four years from my breast cancer diagnosis.

Four years!

Last night, I spent a little time reading my blog posts for the one-year, two-year, and three-year marks.  I have come a long way in four years.  Yet at times, I feel like I am right back in those beginning stages, battling fear and anxiety.  The PTSD kicks in and I go through a slight mental breakdown.  Usually this happen right around the time of my follow-up appointments with my oncologist.  I start noticing every little thing that doesn't feel "normal" and make note of it so I can talk to him about it.  Then I do the whole "you're crazy/no you're not" talk in my head and try to convince myself that I am just being silly.

The mental game is still exhausting.

I would say that 80% of the time, I don't think about it.

80% of the time, I am living life to the fullest, enjoying my second chance, and thriving in my circumstances.

But the remaining 20% of the time is spent trying to convince myself that I am healthy; that the new ache in my back is just a tweaked muscle, my IBS flare up is just an IBS flare up, my increased fatigue is just because I need more sleep, and so on.  Every time I leave a doctor's office with a clean bill of health, I feel grateful, but I also feel a bit of trepidation.  It's almost as though my anxious brain will not rest until one of these doctors tell me,

"I'm sorry.  The cancer is back."

Man!  I really, really, really, despise what cancer has done to me mentally!

I can take the physical changes...

*The scars- I love them.  Every time I see them, they remind me that I did a really hard thing and I was given a second chance.

*The lack of estrogen- I will say that I mostly love this.  I really love not having to deal with "that time of the month" physically, although I feel like I still go through phantom PMS and get a bit cranky, which is weird.  One thing that I have not loved about the lack of estrogen is the development of "melasma" or a darkening of my upper lip due to the hormone change in my body.  In other words, I have a hairless mustache that won't go away.  Sure, I am probably the only one who notices it on a daily basis, but it bugs me.  I'll get over it though.

But mentally?  It's a challenge sometimes.

*SIGH*

Cancer is blah.

BUT!  I...am...alive...

Don't mind us, just preparing our muscles for the big race day at Reunion. :)

and it's so good to be alive!

I will take the mental anguish, the weird pains that are probably just weird pains, I will even take the mustache, because I have a great life.

I know that there is a God who loves me and knows me.

I know that whatever the next step for me is, I will be able to do it because I have His help and guidance.

I have a pretty amazing network of family and friends who fill my life with joy.

I know that I am here for a reason and every single day I pray to know where God needs me, what He needs me to do, and who I can help.

Four years.

Four years of taking life one day at a time.

Four years of living, loving, and growing.

Yes, today is definitely a happy day.

A day of celebration, and let's be honest, will probably include some chocolate in one form or another. :)

Okay, so I like to flex my muscles.  Is there a problem with that?

Life is good and I am happy to be living it.