"When You're Seven Years Old"

 It's been a minute, hasn't it? Between college classes, working, and the fact that blogs aren't really a thing anymore means that I haven't posted on this blog since 2019. 

But, I have something I want to post somewhere for people to read and I feel like there's no better place for this particular document than on this family blog which is the home for my thoughts and feelings of the cancer journey that changed our whole family's lives.

Abbie recently wrote a beautiful personal narrative for her English class in which she shares some reflective thoughts about what was going through her seven-year-old mind during my journey with cancer. 

I have often wondered some of the things that were going through my kids' heads during those two years of active cancer treatments and surgeries. Through this personal narrative, Abbie gave me a little sneak peak of some of the things she experienced as a 7-year-old with a mom who has breast cancer.

I really have no words except for...I love this kid. She's amazing. I'm so grateful that she was able to share these thoughts. I'm especially grateful that she has been able to take this really hard experience that we had and learn from it so that she can face other challenges in her life. This was one of my prayers during that time...that we would all be able to take this experience and turn it into a learning and growing experience that would strengthen us for future storms.

8-19-16

I thought this day would never come.

In the cancer world, the number 5 is magical, almost mystical.

Five Years.

You hear a lot of hype about hitting that 5 year mark.  But in the research that I have done,  5 years is really not much different than 10 years, 13 years, etc.  However, all of the initial survival rates are based on someone surviving for 5 years or more, and the likelihood of your cancer recurring is greater within the 1-5 year range.  So, even though 5 years is not a big deal, it still is a big deal.

For me, any number is a BIG DEAL.

I still remember with absolute clarity the moment I sat across from my oncologist and heard him say

"Stage III Breast Cancer"

and

"the survival rate is around 70%."

Mark and I sat in stunned silence, trying to hold back the tears.

I was looking for a number much higher than 70%.

And while that conversation stunted my hope for a little while, it did not decrease my determination to kick cancer's butt.

And that's exactly what I did.

Although cancer has and continues to kick right back.

Even though I am still considered "cancer free", the lingering mental anguish still bothers me from time to time.  I have talked a lot about my struggles with PTSD and anxiety issues and will continue to do so.  It is so important for us to realize that our health is so much more than just physical.  Our mental and spiritual health play important roles as well and we need to make sure that we are giving attention to all three aspects of our health.

So how are the 3 aspects of my health doing 5 years after diagnosis?

Physical

I am feeling awesome. 

 --I *try* to do some exercise every day, but let's face it, most days my exercise consists of meeting my 10,000 steps goal.  Sometimes those steps include a little bit of jogging, but it's mostly just walking as I try to get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there.  If I am lucky I remember to do some ab workouts and pushups AND I get to play volleyball once a week so that makes me happy.  I do feel much stronger and although I don't really remember how strong I felt before cancer, I feel like I am every bit as strong-- and quite possibly stronger, in more ways than one.  

--I still have lingering issues from my mastectomy including the dreaded "boob itch."  (If you want to learn more about this, you'll have to read my book. :)  I also have some issues that I have to deal with from my hysterectomy, including (getting personal here) low sex drive, vaginal dryness, and "phantom" PMS symptoms.  

--Not to mention I still have my lovely melasma mustache, but whatever, I'm over it now. ;)

Mental

I am feeling awesome.

--I started taking an anti anxiety med called Lexapro.  I have played with the dosage a bit because when I was taking it every day, I felt like I was almost too uncaring.  I tried taking it every other day and that was okay, but now I have settled on taking 1/2 a pill every day.  That seems to be the perfect balance for me.  But I knew the real test would be approaching this day and time of year.  In the past few years, I have always had my "cancer freak-outs" around this time of year.  This year?  Nothing.  Maybe it's because I am that much further removed from that time of my life or maybe it's the medication.  Maybe it's a combination of both.  Who knows?  Whatever the reason, I like what I am feeling.

--I am also on a good path of learning how to be more in control of my emotions.  I attended BYU Education Week this week and nearly all of the classes that I took focused on how to take care of your mental health.  I am looking forward to putting into practice some of the skills that I learned.  I will keep you posted on how it goes.

Spiritual

I am feeling more than awesome.

--Before cancer, I was a very spiritual person.  I had a testimony of Christ and his atonement.  I knew that I was a daughter of God and that by trusting in Him I could do anything.  After cancer, I KNOW with absolute surety that CHRIST IS MY SAVIOR AND REDEEMER.  He atoned for MY sins, for MY sadness, for MY sorrow, for MY afflictions.  He did this because he loves me.

--I had to learn the hard way that my spiritual health is the most important aspect of my overall health.  If I don't nourish it and feed it, then it upsets the balance of my whole life.

--I had to learn the hard way that there are good things, better things, and best things that I can choose to focus on in my life.  When I put the best things first, everything else falls into place, without fail.  Some days I try to sneak in too many things that, although they are good, are not the best, and I always crash and burn.

**I always, always, always have time for everything I feel I need to do when I put the best things first.**

Guaranteed.

Five years ago, I dropped this sweet boy off for his first day of Junior High School.

Then I received that life-changing phone call and heard the words 

"you have cancer."

Today, I dropped this sweet girl off for her first day of Junior High School.

Although it is possible that I could receive another life-changing phone call today, I am 99.9% positive that I will not be hearing the words 

"you have cancer" today.

Life can change in an instant.  Sometimes those changes are happy and good.  Sometimes those changes are sad and difficult to understand.

But, guess what?

YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.

When your world crashes down and the rug is pulled from beneath you, remember those words. 

Take some deep breaths, cry a little or a lot, then get down on your knees and pray for strength.

It will come.

You will endure.

And all will be well in the end (and I am talking about eternity here.)

Wherever you life's circumstances find you this day, I hope that you can find joy, love, and happiness. 

Because today is a great day to be alive.

Camp Kesem 2016

Another exciting year at Camp Kesem has come and gone and as usual, the kids had a blast!  New friends, new counselors, new adventures.  We love Camp Kesem!!!

Ellie's Adventures

Abbie's Adventures

Emma's Adventures

Josh's Adventures

(CIT year- Counselor in Training)

Camp Kesem 2016

April Happenings

April has come and gone and it was filled with a million fun things.

Abbie started softball again.  She has been excited for it to start up.  She really, really, really wanted to try pitching this year.  Finally, in about the 4th game of the season, she was able to have her dream of pitching come true.  She did great!  I was so proud of her for staying calm even though she was extremely nervous.  

It is really fun to watch her team play this year.  They have grown so much since last year and really know the game now so they are able to play more rather than just running around with a lost look on their faces.  The last two games have unfortunately been rained out, but we are looking forward to next week's games.

I just had to throw in this cute picture of Bailey that I found on my phone.  I don't know who took it, but I love it.  It shows her sweetness in full effect.

My little Ellie has decided that she wanted to start up ice skating again.  Our horseback riding adventure has sadly come to an end because the teacher moved to a new place.  This got us talking about some options for Miss Ellie and ice skating is what she chose.

She has been doing great!  She has picked things up very quickly and is getting used to the tightness of the skates.  I am excited to see where this adventure takes her.

We had a couple of days of face painting in preschool and these lucky ladies were excited to participate as well.

Maybe you noticed Emma's cow outfit in the pictures from our San Francisco trip.  It's kind of a new thing that I have started on Instagram.  Emma is the #blueeyedbovine.  We decided that we needed to find something for Abbie and Ellie so that they could be part of this fun little adventure as well.

Meet #awesomeowlet.  She is just that.  Completely awesome. :)

And last, but not least, #unicorncutiepie.  She checked the mail every day for 2 weeks waiting for this outfit to come in the mail.  I think she wore it for 3 days straight once it got here.

I was invited to a Murray High School Softball game by my cute friend, Jennie.  She is an amazing young lady whom I got to know at our Stake Girl's Camp last summer.  She is a phenomenal softball player and I am so happy that she invited me to this game so I could see her play!  Before the game started, they had a little ceremony where they honored some breast cancer survivors.  Thank you, Jennie for asking me to be a part of this.  I am honored to be your friend. :)

My two youngest girls have been dying to have a playhouse for several years now.  I have been dying to build one and this. is. the. year.  We are finally doing it and we couldn't be more excited.

Phase 1 was clearing the land.  

Now if it can just stop raining for a few days we can move on to Phase 2. :)


One more fun thing for April...
I got to take a trip to the symphony with my guys.
We went to hear the Utah Symphony play Holst's "The Planets."  They were also showing footage from NASA as each of the planets were represented by music.  It was absolutely beautiful.

The Entire Month of January

I will admit it.

I am not a slacker.

I almost said that I was a slacker, but that would not be a true statement.

It is true that I have not been very consistent in keeping up on this blog- AKA my family's journal- however, I have been very busy taking care of my family, trying to take the next steps with my book, planning and preparing for my preschool classes, and a whole host of other activities.  Unfortunately blogging has taken a back seat, but that's okay.  Blogging is not my most important endeavor.  My family is.

But, I do have a few quiet moments right now so I am going to take advantage of them and catch up a bit.

The month of January is always a little light on photos.  We just don't do a whole lot and there are no holidays that we really celebrate (other than New Years and I am hit or miss with actually taking New Year's pictures.  This year was a miss.)

But I do have a few things that I want to make sure I blog about before January gets too far behind us.

1.  Assisting Josh in a covert operation.

What was this covert operation you ask?

Oh nothing...just asking an adorable young lady to Junior Prom.

Mission accomplished.

2.  Watching the girls have fun with face paint.

Abbie received a face painting kit for Christmas and this is what I discovered one day after preschool.  Silly girls.

3.  Josh's concert with the Utah Youth Philharmonic.

This is Josh's third year playing with the Utah Youth Phil and I am always so impressed with the quality of sound that these young musicians produce.  They are so amazing and I love that he is having this experience.

(I call this photograph "The Lone Cellist." :)

4.  A Ski Date

Mark and I have been talking about going skiing for years now.  I am happy to say that we finally stopped talking and started doing.  We found a smokin' deal on a lesson/rental/day pass and could not pass up the opportunity.  Mark has not been skiing before (unless you count that one time when he was 14 and made it down the mountain once before going back to the lodge for hot chocolate.)  I have not been skiing for years, but I was pleasantly surprised at how easily it all came back.  We had such a great afternoon together.  Definitely a date that I want to do again.

5.  Publishing my book

After 2 1/2 years of typing, worrying, pondering, stressing, and staring at my computer screen, I am so excited to say that my book is finally a reality.  I ordered some copies that arrived before Christmas (125 to be exact) and had a lot of fun surprising family members and some friends with a copy of it.  It turned out beautiful and I feel so blessed to have it be done and out there, ready for people to read. 

Getting the eBook up on Amazon has been more challenging than I expected and there have been a lot of tears, frustration, and anger in that process.  I even spent one night saying very hateful things about my book.  They were all in my head (or muttered under my breath), but they were said.  I was finally able to clear through all of the unknowns and technical difficulties and now my beautiful book is available for purchase in eBook form.  I haven't had a lot of eBook sales yet, but I do know that the book is finding the people who need to read it.  I have had so many kind and thoughtful things said to me and I really appreciate all of those remarks.

I also ordered some business cards and...what can I say?  I love them!  I am very happy with how they turned out.  It still feels very weird to refer to myself as an author, but I am slowly getting used to it.

8-19-15

I have been participating in the #100happydays challenge on my Instagram account.  As the 50 day mark has been approaching I have been thinking, "I really need to find something spectacular to post on Day 50."  Earlier this week, when I was calculating the days, I realized that Day 50 would be today.

It is not a coincidence.

Today marks four years from my breast cancer diagnosis.

Four years!

Last night, I spent a little time reading my blog posts for the one-year, two-year, and three-year marks.  I have come a long way in four years.  Yet at times, I feel like I am right back in those beginning stages, battling fear and anxiety.  The PTSD kicks in and I go through a slight mental breakdown.  Usually this happen right around the time of my follow-up appointments with my oncologist.  I start noticing every little thing that doesn't feel "normal" and make note of it so I can talk to him about it.  Then I do the whole "you're crazy/no you're not" talk in my head and try to convince myself that I am just being silly.

The mental game is still exhausting.

I would say that 80% of the time, I don't think about it.

80% of the time, I am living life to the fullest, enjoying my second chance, and thriving in my circumstances.

But the remaining 20% of the time is spent trying to convince myself that I am healthy; that the new ache in my back is just a tweaked muscle, my IBS flare up is just an IBS flare up, my increased fatigue is just because I need more sleep, and so on.  Every time I leave a doctor's office with a clean bill of health, I feel grateful, but I also feel a bit of trepidation.  It's almost as though my anxious brain will not rest until one of these doctors tell me,

"I'm sorry.  The cancer is back."

Man!  I really, really, really, despise what cancer has done to me mentally!

I can take the physical changes...

*The scars- I love them.  Every time I see them, they remind me that I did a really hard thing and I was given a second chance.

*The lack of estrogen- I will say that I mostly love this.  I really love not having to deal with "that time of the month" physically, although I feel like I still go through phantom PMS and get a bit cranky, which is weird.  One thing that I have not loved about the lack of estrogen is the development of "melasma" or a darkening of my upper lip due to the hormone change in my body.  In other words, I have a hairless mustache that won't go away.  Sure, I am probably the only one who notices it on a daily basis, but it bugs me.  I'll get over it though.

But mentally?  It's a challenge sometimes.

*SIGH*

Cancer is blah.

BUT!  I...am...alive...

Don't mind us, just preparing our muscles for the big race day at Reunion. :)

and it's so good to be alive!

I will take the mental anguish, the weird pains that are probably just weird pains, I will even take the mustache, because I have a great life.

I know that there is a God who loves me and knows me.

I know that whatever the next step for me is, I will be able to do it because I have His help and guidance.

I have a pretty amazing network of family and friends who fill my life with joy.

I know that I am here for a reason and every single day I pray to know where God needs me, what He needs me to do, and who I can help.

Four years.

Four years of taking life one day at a time.

Four years of living, loving, and growing.

Yes, today is definitely a happy day.

A day of celebration, and let's be honest, will probably include some chocolate in one form or another. :)

Okay, so I like to flex my muscles.  Is there a problem with that?

Life is good and I am happy to be living it.

Camp Kesem 2015

Ahh Camp Kesem.  That wonderful, beautiful, magical place.  How we love you and look forward to you every summer.  It's a place where my kids can go and just be kids.  They can talk to their friends about their cancer fears or they don't talk about it at all.  It's totally up to them and I love that we have Camp Kesem in our lives.

I was looking forward to a few days by my lonesome.  I had some big house re-organizing plans.  Unfortunately some other things came up and I was not able to organize like I had dreamed of, but that's okay.  I can organize another day (and I did...today.)

I missed these cute faces while they were off having the time of their lives.  

Here are some of the things that they did...

We had to pick them up a little early because of our annual Pugh Family Reunion, but they were still able to cram in a lot of fun.

Thank you to all of the counselors who donate so much of their time to this wonderful organization.

We love you all and are thankful to have your friendships in our lives.

Here are some thoughts about Camp Kesem from each of the little kidlets....

*Ellie AKA "Ells"*

"It was fun!  There was a lot of friends that were nice to other people.  There were people that have been through what I've been through when my mom got cancer."

*Abbie AKA "Owlet"*

"It was really, really fun!  Especially the shaving cream fight and I liked when we did the Battleship game.  I can't wait to go back next year."

*Emma AKA "Ding Dong"*

"It was fun."  (Insert lots and lots of giggling.)  That's all she has to say about it this year.  

*Josh AKA "Polar Bear"*

(Will fill in his comments later.  He is not home while I am writing this.)

I May Have Shed a Tear or Two...

Remember when I told you about my Image Reborn Retreat back in September?

(Click here to read that post)

One of the fabulous things that happened that weekend was having Michelle from 

Heal Courageously 

bring one of their photographers for a special photo shoot session.

I already knew about this wonderful organization and I had seen some of their beautiful portraits.  I had also been meaning to contact them for some time to schedule a family photo session.  After the retreat, I stopped the procrastinating and made an appointment.

In a nutshell, Heal Courageously provides a free photo session and all the photos for people who have experienced a serious illness in one form or another.  Here is their mission statement...

Mission: The Heal Courageously project provides patients, caregivers and survivors the opportunity to document their journey through illness in photographs, at no charge.

 It is a fantastic organization and I add it to my list of non-profits to donate money to.

Michelle and I were finally able to find a date that worked for us and one of their photographers.  So a couple of weeks ago, we got all beautified and headed over to Wheeler Farm to smile pretty for the camera.

I knew the pictures would be gorgeous.  As I mentioned before, I had seen the work that their amazing photographers do.

Knowing that did not prepare me for the surge of emotions I felt as I clicked on the Dropbox link that Michelle sent me yesterday.

I will say two things about these pictures....

1.  They are beautiful.

2.  My kids are not so little anymore, and that is the cause for most of the tears shed.

*Sniff*  Now where did that box of tissues go? :(

I hate that they are so grown up, but I love that they are mine forever.

Even though I miss their pudgey little fingers and baby faces, I am so proud of the wonderful little (okay tall in Josh's case) people that they are becoming.  They amaze me every single day.

And as for the Love of my Life?

Well, he's pretty amazing too and I am the luckiest lady in the whole wide world.

A new hat...guest blogger!

I am super excited to share with you a link to my very first guest blogger post!

I am working with my friend, Debbie at Survivorship Wellness.

Our goal is to help people on the other side of cancer, or any other illness or life problem for that matter.

Click here to read her introduction of me.

Click here to read my post.

Enjoy!

Big Changes

There have been some great things happening in my little world lately.

I am now the proud author/creator of my very own website.

www.desiraeogden.com

It is still in its infancy and it may take some time to get the ball rolling, but it is very exciting nonetheless!  I am hoping that this will be a better way for me to actively participate in helping others through their journeys.

  I met a wonderful woman at the Image Reborn Retreat I went to in September.  Her name is, Debbie, and she has created a website entitled,

www.SurvivorshipWellness.com.

Our goals are very similar and the more we have chatted, the more we have both realized that we could actually do some really great things with this.  I will be a guest blogger on her site and our hope is that it will be a resource for those on the "other side of the mountain".  Our main focus will be recovery from cancer, but as I have mentioned before, we all have our "cancers".  So, for me, this means that I will also be thinking about how my journey and the things that I have learned can translate across the board for people who are just trying to survive this crazy little thing we call Life.

I also have more big news that is very exciting, has consumed my life for over a year, and....

I am still figuring out a few details before I divulge more information.

I am really hoping to be done with the details very soon, so I can share this news with you all.  I wish I could even give you a date that this news might be shared by, but my family comes first, and sometimes there is just not enough time in the day to take care of them and actively work on this project.  I promise I won't make you wait too long though.....:)

In the meantime, check out my website!

The plan is to keep this blog as my family's scrapbook.  You are welcome to continue to come back to this blog and read about our adventures if you would like to.

The website is where I will be continuing my series like, "I Believe" and "Thankful Thursdays", along with any other things I would like to share my opinions on.

Thank you so much for following me on this journey!  I hope that the new website will make it easier for people to leave comments, and provide a better way for me to help more people.