If you have been following my cancer journey, you may remember this post
The First Rock Bottom.
In that post I mentioned that it would not be the last rock bottom I would hit before this journey is through, and man, I hate it when I am right.
Yesterday will be known as the Second Rock Bottom.
This 4th treatment has really been a whopper. I don't know if it is because my blood counts are lower so my body can't handle it as well or just the fact that it is poison in my body- but whatever the reason, it has not been nice.
I have had to take my anti-nausea meds a little bit more, but the big thing has been the no energy to do anything. I pretty much was in bed all day yesterday and I was a grumpy mama. I apologize to my wonderful hubby and my cute kiddos because they were such troopers yesterday while I was being so grumpy.
Not only did I have no energy, but sitting in bed all day is not good for me because then the depression sets in. I am not a "sit in bed all day" kind of gal, and so it is hard for me to do that. So all I did yesterday was wallow.
I wallowed in the fact that I don't want to do this anymore.
"Hey cancer- it was fun while it lasted, but I am done."
I worried that I still might lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. I am having a harder time with this then the actual "hair on my head loss". Ok, so eyebrows maybe not such a big deal. I can always pencil those on, right? And maybe have some fun with it...
"Uh oh- mommy's got her angry eyebrows on today. Watch out!"
But the eyelashes? I can't fake that. I can't wear fake ones because of the risk of infection so it really just freaks me out a bit to think of myself with no eyelashes.
I tried to look on the bright side of things- no more Red Devil, one step closer and all that, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I have one more round of chemo to go. Yes, the side effects are different and maybe not as bad, but they still are not pleasant.
Possibly losing fingernails or toenails
Neuropathy in my hands and feet
Abdominal cramping
Muscle aches
Oh, and more fatigue.
I am pretty much going to be a puddle on the floor when this chemo business is all over.
Here is the part that kills me the most-
having my kids come to my bedside in tears because this is not their mommy.
This is not how their mommy usually acts and there is nothing they can do about it.
The same goes for Mark. I know that he hates to see me this way and feels helpless because there is nothing he can really do either.
Cancer just sucks- plain and simple.
I am ready to use my "Get out of Jail Free" card now.
The First Rock Bottom.
In that post I mentioned that it would not be the last rock bottom I would hit before this journey is through, and man, I hate it when I am right.
Yesterday will be known as the Second Rock Bottom.
This 4th treatment has really been a whopper. I don't know if it is because my blood counts are lower so my body can't handle it as well or just the fact that it is poison in my body- but whatever the reason, it has not been nice.
I have had to take my anti-nausea meds a little bit more, but the big thing has been the no energy to do anything. I pretty much was in bed all day yesterday and I was a grumpy mama. I apologize to my wonderful hubby and my cute kiddos because they were such troopers yesterday while I was being so grumpy.
Not only did I have no energy, but sitting in bed all day is not good for me because then the depression sets in. I am not a "sit in bed all day" kind of gal, and so it is hard for me to do that. So all I did yesterday was wallow.
I wallowed in the fact that I don't want to do this anymore.
"Hey cancer- it was fun while it lasted, but I am done."
I worried that I still might lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. I am having a harder time with this then the actual "hair on my head loss". Ok, so eyebrows maybe not such a big deal. I can always pencil those on, right? And maybe have some fun with it...
"Uh oh- mommy's got her angry eyebrows on today. Watch out!"
But the eyelashes? I can't fake that. I can't wear fake ones because of the risk of infection so it really just freaks me out a bit to think of myself with no eyelashes.
I tried to look on the bright side of things- no more Red Devil, one step closer and all that, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I have one more round of chemo to go. Yes, the side effects are different and maybe not as bad, but they still are not pleasant.
Possibly losing fingernails or toenails
Neuropathy in my hands and feet
Abdominal cramping
Muscle aches
Oh, and more fatigue.
I am pretty much going to be a puddle on the floor when this chemo business is all over.
Here is the part that kills me the most-
having my kids come to my bedside in tears because this is not their mommy.
This is not how their mommy usually acts and there is nothing they can do about it.
The same goes for Mark. I know that he hates to see me this way and feels helpless because there is nothing he can really do either.
Cancer just sucks- plain and simple.
I am ready to use my "Get out of Jail Free" card now.
Oh sister you are amazing! If only the kids could understand, even a little. But this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteI love you!
I must say that yours is the first blog I get a good laugh but also break down in tears. I loved the comment about your eyebrows "angry mom" hahaha how funny would that be!?? But then I immediately broke out in tears! It's so hard for me to truly understand what you're going through living so far away. Sister you are amazing and I look up to you so much! The way you have handled all that is happening in your life amazes me! I feel so blessed to have you as my sister! I love you so much!!!! Thanks for your comments on my blogs. I can't wait to have little kiddos of my own that I will want to love and kiss on...well I can wait but you get what I mean haha. I can't wait to see you at Christmas either!!! I am so excited!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteyou and your fam are awesome. plain and simple. you inspire us all.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing, your inner beauty far outshines any other. I still tear up whenever I think of that sweet YW (from your stake) that came up to you on Halloween. That just proves that you are so loved even by those you don't know. What an example you are to all. Love you!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteDes- I love you so much! You teach me so much when I read your posts. Heavenly Father knows and loves you and I am sure he is sitting on the side of your bed going thru the agony with you. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Des! I think that you are allowed to have a day where you feel depressed. It's not easy to stay constantly positive. You are amazing, and are positive more often than you are not, so just hold on to the love your family has for you. You can do this. You truly are phenomenal. Here's my great big virtual hug. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so incredibly amazing and I look up to you so much! I can not even comprehend how hard this must be. But I also can not comprehend the blessings that will be bestowed on you and your family for the amazing faith you show on a daily basis! You are such a fighter and you show me so much strength and so much faith in the gospel. You are the epitome of a truly beautiful daughter of God! You inspire me. You are in my prayers!!
ReplyDeleteDes,
ReplyDeleteYou are such an amazing woman! I can't believe that Mark is Bishop! Well, I can but wow...We pray each day for a swift recovery for you. I know that you have already touched so many lives with your journey, mine included. Love you!
Syd
It's hard to be upbeat all the time. Sometimes you need a day to wallow - especially when you're going through something this difficult. Even at rock bottom you're still my hero. We love you!
ReplyDeleteI draw my eyebrows on. Hey, actually I had them tattooed on, so they STAY. When I was in high school I plucked them so stinking thin and they never grew back. I have had fun with it though, scary eyebrows, mad eyebrows, sad eyebrows, you better get out of my way or else eyebrows!
ReplyDeleteI think your doing an amazing job. Thinking of you and your family!
I bet with superglue and fake fur we could make you some amazing eyebrows! The eyelashes though - hmmm. put on some ddark glasses and do the diva thing. That mike work.
ReplyDeletedon't worry about a day to wallow. I was starting to worry that you NEVER wallow and thus must be superhuman or something.
I feel better now.
Remember ...it's all good in the end. If it isn't good. It isn't the end.
I love ya! - sharron