Another Stumbling Block

For those of you who may not know this about me, I am a "worst case scenario" thinker. Every time one of my kids gets hurt or Mark or I are sick, my thoughts automatically go to the worst case scenario. Fortunately every time I think about these worst case scenarios, they never come true.
Until now...

I have been preparing myself, mentally, for the worst possible outcome in this whole cancer mess and today I think that pretty much became my reality.

I met with my surgeon, Dr. Leckman, this afternoon. He had to share the unpleasant news that yes, the tumor was bigger than we thought and yes, the cancer was present in the lymph node he removed.
So what does this mean for me now?
Well, I have 3 bad factors here
1. My age- I am so young that any treatment we do needs to be aggressive so we can kick this cancer out of here.
2. The cancer is present in the lymph node so the possibility of it being somewhere else at this point is high. It was also not in just one spot in my breast. The tumor wasn't really a solid mass, but more like a spider web, creeping about all over the place.
3. The fact that my cancer is estrogen positive, but just barely.
So with all of these factors- this is the plan of action I am facing now.
1. Chemotherapy
2. Radiation
3. Mastectomy and reconstruction

We are going to do chemo and radiation before the mastectomy because chemo will mess up any sort of reconstruction tissues. Plus, if I did the mastectomy first, I would have to wait at least 6-8 weeks before we could begin chemo. There is no way that I want to wait that long before starting chemo. Who knows where else this cancer has wormed its way to? I don't want to take any chances.

As of this moment I do not know which kind of chemo or radiation I will have or when that will start. I meet with the oncologist tomorrow and then I will have all of those answers.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been preparing myself for an outcome like this. Or more accurately, my Heavenly Father has been preparing me for this outcome. I feel very calm. I knew when the doctor called me this morning and wanted us to come to his office this afternoon, that it would be bad. I was nervous all afternoon, but as we sat there in his office, I was nothing but calm. I was able to ask him all of the questions that I could think of. My mind was clear. Mark and I were not alone there in that office. We had angels with us to bear us up, I know it.

Definitely not the outcome that anyone would like to have, but I know it is the outcome that was intended for me. It's part of my journey here on earth and as I have said many times before, there are things that I will need to learn from all of this and people I need to help through this experience.

But...blast this stupid cancer! Now I have to give it at least 2 points for being sneaky.
Desirae- 6 Cancer- 4

One more thing...I read this talk today in the midst of being nervous. It was just what I needed.