And Babies Make...5

I can't believe it's already been a year since we said goodbye to our little man.  This past year has been anything but easy in regards to healing and moving forward.  It's been a real testament of faith, strength, love, happiness and relationships.  I feel that we've been tested beyond what I can handle, but somehow we made it through.  I don't know that we passed, but we made it.  For the most part, the days were fine.  Occasionally, I'd have a moment here and there, but this last month was the hardest.  It was like I was going through every step and emotion all over again.  The anticipation to the anniversary date {June 17th} was as if I had someone pushing on my throat and lost the ability to breathe.  Thankfully for my sanity, I still see my therapist every so often, usually just when I need her.  I went a while without going to her and then as the anniversary date got closer, I felt the need to meet with her and I am so glad I did!  Sometimes, it'

Tonight, Rob and I attended a memorial at Mercy Gilbert Hospital in honor of our little babies that we've lost.  It's technically been the first time I have been to the hospital since we lost Jaxton.  The other time I went back, we were in a different building across the parking lot. We decided to go alone and just be there together. It was a beautiful memorial, but so hard.  I realized tonight that my heart still hurts.  A lot.  That hospital is absolutely wonderful and I am still grateful for all of them.  They welcomed each family up to light a candle in honor of their baby and they had a couple families come up and speak about their experience.  There was so much pain, but so much love.  It really was a nice and sweet memorial and I am really glad we went.  I did get to see a friend from high school, not under the circumstances I wanted it to be, but it was good to see her and meet her husband.  She unfortunately suffered something very similar and knows all to well h

Today we had our family pictures taken.  Being honest, neither one of us really wanted pictures since we were supposed to be taking our family pictures after the baby was born.  But we did it, mainly for me.  Bitter-sweet, but I am happy we did it. I was thinking about what I wanted to do for our pictures as in where to go.  I couldn't think of anything because I really didn't want them.  And then all of a sudden it hit me.  I wanted to do them at Jacob's Crosscut Trail where Jaxton's ashes have been spread.  It seemed only fitting to do them there.  If he couldn't physically be with it, then at least his spirit could, right?!  I wanted to get out there prior to taking our pictures so that I wouldn't be a hot mess, but unfortunately we didn't make it out there.  So, needless to say I was nervous.  Thankfully, I was able to keep myself together and I didn't cry.  However, I did cry while I was getting ready and when we arrived at dinner after the shoo