Are you tired of all the "love story" stuff yet? Oh, I hope not.
But, just in case...I think I'm finally ready to try my hand at another confession.
(want to catch up? Read Confession #1 here and Confession #2 here)
I don't know how many more confessions I'm really ready to confess.
(though I admit that this whole process of finding love has forced me to face a whole lot of them.)
I also don't know if there is any confession more important than this one.
It is something I worry I have hid behind most of my life.
Even as I thought I was supposed to be letting it take the lead.
And it's a tricky one.
And I don't even know if I can articulate it correctly.
But, I believe it's true.
And I hope I'm not the only one who does it.
(and oh I hope I can share this in a way that makes sense...grab a canteen and some trail mix. This is a long one.)
Confession #3: Sometimes we use the notion of "God's will" as a way to abdicate
the responsibility to exercise our own.
I've been thinking about this for months and trying to figure out how to talk about it, how much of it was truth, and what I was going to do about it.
And this is one of those times when I wish this was just a few of us talking in my front room so that I could gauge how much is appropriate to share...and know a bit better who I'm sharing it with. But, I feel compelled to talk about this in the hopes that it can wake someone up the way it awakened me.
The awakening started last Spring.
I was having some questions about my life and what I perceived to be "God's will".
I was worried that what He wanted for me wasn't what I wanted for me but I was nothing if not a dutifully obedient daughter who spent a whole lot of my time seeking out God's will.
I've spent a lot of my life kind of obsessed with the notion of figuring out "God's will"...
As if there was some master mapped-out plan out there and my entire life job was to figure it out and do it...just be willing to do it.
I've thought a lot about this and wondered where this belief..this way of living...came from.
We teach from a very early age that God has a plan for our lives.
I've been teaching young women that for more than a decade.
And somehow because I had been taught that and because I had taught it, I had it in my head that God had such a specific plan for my life that everytime a choice came up, I didn't really ever consider what I wanted. Because my job was to follow His will...what HE wanted.
And, in fact, a part of me believed that what I wanted was probably in opposition to Him.
Well, I see things differently now.
In fact, I believe that way of looking at my life was used at times as a cop out for me.
A way to abdicate myself from the real obligation of my life...
To CHOOSE to live life.
Do you live like that?
Do you know people who do?
Do you know some who are "stuck" because "God's will" has never been revealed to them?
Or others who say they aren't doing what they want (or doing what they don't want) because what they are doing is God's will?
But doesn't He want us to be happy?
And more importantly, doesn't He want us to make choices?
It's a tricky line.
We are here to
"act and not be acted upon".
And yet, I wanted God to "act upon" me.
We are invited to do
"many things of [our] own free will."
And yet, I didn't trust mine.
I only knew that I trusted God and His plan for my life.
And here is what I've learned about that plan:
God
does have a plan for my life.
A big plan...with a capital "P".
But I've come to see that there is a little plan...with a lower case "p"... that is entirely mine to live.
And...and here is the kicker:
My choices...my will...isn't automatically in opposition to His.
So, back to last Spring when I was having some questions about my life...
I felt like I heard the question: "What do YOU want?"
It startled me.
"Really? I get to choose?" my heart questioned.
And so I did it.
I chose.
I stated as clearly as I could what I wanted and said, "If this really can fit into Thy plan for me, this is what I choose."
And then I watched something I never would have believed unfold.
And it was beautiful and added a dimension to my life I never could have imagined.
But, it didn't end there.
When
a question was posed to me a few weeks ago...perhaps the most important question of my life...I heard again a similar invitation on the same theme: "You choose."
And I did.
And it wasn't because God told me to.
And it wasn't because He revealed a clear path in front of me.
Rather, I watched Him work in my life this past year, inviting me to make choices, supporting the ones I did, and then peacefully confirming that He trusted me.
HE. TRUSTED. ME.
Trusted me enough to make a choice.
2012 feels like a master's class in agency:
- Choosing to be brave and walk away from what I thought I wanted.
- Choosing to stay hopeful that there was something...someone...better suited for me.
- Choosing to make the effort to work at something that was important to me.
- Choosing to want something and choosing to make the choice.
- Choosing to believe that God would support me in my choice.
I am not saying that everything that exists in our life is our choice.
There are some things...some hard things...some disappointing things...that are a result of life circumstances or others' choices...and when that is the case, God can and will use those things to help us learn and progress and grow.
But, I am saying that I have come to understand and deeply believe that God's will is not some mysterious list of things He wants me to figure out.
Rather,
I believe
...deeply believe...
that God's will...
what He really wants...
is for me to learn to exercise my own.
He wants us to get to a place in our lives where we know enough about His Plan for us that we can follow a path before us, making choices and taking steps that will let us experience all the things our heart longs to experience.
And experience life in a way that brings our will together with His will in one glorious beautiful amazing life.
A life that you choose.
A life that you co-create.
A life He wants for you.
The life He wills for you.
Involve Him.
Learn His ways.
Then, make choices for your life.
And LIVE.
He trusts you.
Trust that He does.
LIVE like He does.
(image found
here)
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