I guess you could say I had a "mother's day" yesterday.
In June.
Which was good because the one in May? Not so good.
Yesterday was like my "second chance" at celebrating the holiday.
And I took it.
Tammy was in need for someone to take little Sophia in the afternoon so the family could participate in an event that wasn't created for an energetic 3 yr old. I didn't even think about my "to do list" when I heard about the need. I simply said, "I'll take her!"
We went to Thanksgiving Point to the Dinosaur Museum...
And the Animal Farm...
And of course...ice cream...there is always time for ice cream...
Now, before you think me kind, I must confess that this was not an act of selflessness on my part.
It was selfish. Totally.
And I completely enjoyed myself. Completely. (and look at the joy of little Soph? Seriously.)
And I confess that I didn't correct the teenage girl who came up to us to say, "I'm sorry but is your daughter's name Sophia?"
"Yes," came out of my mouth before I could correct her.
There are times when my little mother heart just really needs to mother.
It's a tender heart on some days.
This past May was such a day.
I wrote about it but then decided it was just too pathetic to post.
Yet, yesterday, as I was "playing Mom" and feeling emotionally stronger than I have in months (it's been a really amazing week, my friends, full of some pretty amazing turns in my life), and as I looked around at some of the other "real Moms" at Thanksgiving Point, I thought of my Mother's Day post...the one I never posted...and decided it was time.
Because I think some "real Moms" might benefit from it.
And because I'm no longer ashamed I felt the way I felt.
Because it wasn't pathetic; it was exactly as it should be.
I'm a girl, after all, and as such was born to mother.
It's what He intended.
And I think that's a pretty unpathetically sweet thing.
Yes...sweet.
My Tender Mother Heart
(Written on Mother's Day 2012)
I pride myself on loving Mother's Day.
I've never tried to ditch out on church that day.
I don't get offended or feel left out.
It's not typically been a hard day for me.
Until this year.
Several years ago, I wrote a post about
"the hole in my heart".
I reread it today and I remember that feeling...those circumstances...like they were yesterday.
But, today it seemed magnified to a whole new level (or "hole" new level.).
I had the chance to
play "mom" last summer. Do you remember?
And it came at a time when I was opening myself up to a relationship that included some kiddos.
I confess I got attached to them.
I thought it was hard to
break up with guys moms. It's much harder to break up with kids.
Kids you kind of let yourself think you could love as your own.
Kids you were starting to really feel like you maybe just actually did.
Maybe that is partially why I felt sad today at every turn.
Achy sad as I listened to the children sing their typical mother's day songs in Sacrament meeting.
Smiling but sad as I watched a young woman I've loved and mentored sing "Love at Home".
Even sad when one of my obnoxious 13 year old young men in Sunday School said I was someone who wasn't his mom but had influenced him.
And a pang of sad when I got a card from a cute girl who considers me her "2nd mom".
Shame on me, right?
Why on earth could I not just be grateful for the unbelievable ways the Lord has blessed me with the privilege of mothering?
Is it completely offensive to Him that I was sad today?
Is He so disappointed in me for not just being grateful?
Does it show the highest lack of faith in His plan?
I don't know.
But, I couldn't play pretend today.
I spent dinner with one of my dearest friends who had to wait a bit to be a mother too. I was so grateful to be there with them and her girls acted like it was "my day" too. But, I had to leave. I knew I was going to be a downer in a matter of minutes.
I was sitting on my couch letting tears fall and I got a text from someone who out of the blue said this, "Happy mothers day to someone who has mothered tons of youth, young adults, nieces and nephews, and many of us old folks too...You've already done more mothering than many women do in a lifetime."
I knew she spoke truth.
I also knew she was completely inspired to send the text right in the minute she sent it.
I didn't need it an hour before. I didn't need it an hour later.
I needed it right then while I was sitting on my couch not even capable of saying a prayer I needed to say. And I know it wasn't any different than the message the Lord had been trying to give me all day.
But, He knew I needed a text to make it perfectly clear.
I do get to mother.
I do.
But, to you who have the privilege of being real-live "I have actual kids who call me 'Mom'" Moms:
Do you have any idea...any idea at all...how blessed you are?
I promise I know I don't get how hard it is on most days.
And I know I don't get how monotonous and unimportant it can feel.
But, you have little ones who you are shaping and who love you.
You get to do that thing most of spent our whole childhood dreaming about and preparing for and playing "pretend" with our dolls.
You get to wake up in the middle of the night knowing that cry you hear will only be soothed by you.
You get to be a mom.
You get to be THE mom.
You get to do the one thing I would give all that I have to be able to experience.
Now...please don't tell me my time will come. And don't say I'm a mother in other ways.
Not today.
This isn't about me not understanding that.
Just tell me you're grateful you get to do what you get to do.
And hold your kiddos (even your grown ones) a little closer tonight.
And tell them one more time how much you love them and how lucky you are to get to be their mama.
And then while you're going down your list of things to pray about tonight, thank Him for blessing you with this privilege.
Because it really is a privilege.
And maybe throw in a "And can you let Laurel experience it too?" while you're at it.
You know, just for good measure.
Because I do trust He grants us the righteous desires of our hearts.
And I do believe the last year of my life was all in preparation for greater things.
And I do know that He has given me incredible opportunities in the meantime.
And I know He loves me and understands my sadness.
And I know He knows it's not a lack of faith...it's just proof I really want this thing I don't have.
This thing I was born to do.
And I believe He feels that with me.
And is working His own brand of miracle to bring this miracle of miracles to pass in my life.
In His way.
In His time.
He knows all about my tender mother heart.
Of course He does.
Because He gave it to me.
And it's what He intended.
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