To the men in the room

My current ward has a tradition of having all the men in the chapel come up to the stand to sing the hymn "Ye Elders of Israel" whenever a young man is leaving for his mission.

I love this tradition.
I cry every time.

And today I wrote a message to the men in the room. I realize there aren't a lot of you (i.e. men) that read this blog, but I'm sharing it anyway:

THANK YOU for being one of His honorable sons.
THANK YOU for taking on the role of taking care of His children.
THANK YOU for being His emisary, a holder of His Holy Priesthood.
THANK YOU for being strong even when you're scared.
THANK YOU for having courage even in moments of weakness.

I cannot comprehend what it is to deal with the pressure of choosing to take on more than yourself in the moment you step up to the plate and ask a girl to marry you.

I can't imagine what it feels like when you see your first baby for the first time and realize you have the responsibility of feeding and clothing and housing this little being. You are the one who is expected to bring in the money to provide for the family. You feel that pressure in a unique way.

I can't quite take in what must go through your head when you know you could be called upon at a moment's notice to play your hands on the head of a fellow son or daughter of God, needing to know you are worthy in that moment to be His mouthpiece.

God's daughters are invited to not be so hard on ourselves.
You are invited to step it up.

We get told to try to not take on so many things, that we can't be everything to everybody, that we're doing good enough.
You get told to be nicer to us, to work harder for us, to not be so tired in your service.

And I just want you to know that a whole lot of us get it.
We see how hard you work.
We see how committed you are.
We see the difference you make.

You are incredibly good.
And you need to know what we feel when a whole chapel of you stand and sing "Ye Elders of Israel".
We feel safe.
We feel like we can trust you.
We feel grateful to know you surround us.

So, on behalf of the women in the room,
We love you.
And from the bottom of our hearts,
We thank you.

I am not a blogger.

One of my dearest friends on the planet asked me to join her at a Blogging Conference today (and I'm a sucker when a dear friend asks me to be a sidekick that includes the promise of a shared lunch at The Cheesecake Factory).

It was a gathering with "featured speakers" and "popular bloggers" and businesses promising free things in exchange for advertising on blogs.

I looked through the list of classes:
"Balancing Your Online Life"..."Search Engine Optimization"..."Make Your Blog a Work of Art"..."So You Want to Be a Millionaire"..."Advertising: You Are Your Best Resource"..."How to Grow Your Readership"...
and I just couldn't find anything that interested me.

Which got me thinking.

Maybe nothing interested me because I am not really a blogger.

I don't want this little outlet of mine to be about "buttons" and "widgets" and "followers".
I don't want to care about comments and readers and links.
I don't want to cater to advertisers and analytics.

I just want to be a girl who sometimes has something to say, who writes the silly as well as the serious, who writes just for the sake of writing.

And who puts it on a blog because even if there are just a couple of readers who enjoy it or who are helped by it, it feels more productive than just writing everything in a private journal that may or may not be read at some future date.

I'll be the first to admit that it's fun to have new people find my blog (and since I'm not searchable, I just assume you are a friend of a friend...of a friend. But, if you're here, let's just be friends directly. Cut out the middle man.).

I get a certain sense of fulfillment when I get comments (but feel no pressure to comment on this one), especially comments from my little brother (who, I suspect has stopped reading this post by now).

I adore giveaways (even thougth I stink at them).

But, I don't really ever want it to be about more than that.
More than what this is.

Don't get me wrong.
If others choose to take a different path with their blog, yay for them.
(and I'm super proud of some of my friends who really have made a little business for themselves. Seriously impressive.)
It's just not me.

My name is Laurel.
And I am apparently not a blogger.
At least not a "serious" one.

(but i am refreshing my design. don't judge me when it happens. i just really want a new look. and i think i'm getting bangs again. sometimes a girl just needs to "freshen up".)

Judge not lest ye be...right.

I recently confessed to Denver Erin (as opposed to knitting Erin) about a purchase I made.
Said Erin, "See! THAT is the kind of thing you need to share on your blog so people know you're not as perfect as they think you are."

First, I say, no one who reads my blog could possibly think I'm perfect.
Second, if I have to list all my imperfections, I will.
Third, I share things like this ALL the time.

And here's another example.
Please don't judge me.

You see, prior to my realization that I'm impulsive (WHAT? Laurel is impulsive?) and don't always make the smartest decisions, I maybe kind of sort of got sucked into an infomercial really late one night. I should have come home and gone straight to bed.
But, I didn't.

And I giggled my way out of the Post Office today when I picked up this:



Is it wrong that I'm really excited about this new addition to my life as a runner? Have any of you ever tried it? (oh, who am I kidding...have you even HEARD of it?)

I'm taking tomorrow off.
(Yay me)
And I intend to start my day with my wave.

Let he who is without impulsive purchases in their history, cast the first stone.

(I'll share what I think of it...unless I hate it. Then we'll just never bring it up again...and it can be yours for just 2 easy payments of $29.99)

Help Wanted

I'm getting dangerously close to my 500th post.
Can you believe it?
Who knew?

But, I'm totally TOTALLY tired of my blog design.
I can't seem to figure out how to change it up.

And, I want a new look for this little blog of mine.
I think it would be fun to do it for post 500.

Anyone want to help me?

Chocolate, Chastity and my latest "ah-ha"

Someone asked me if I could really do this "no chocolate" thing.
And, honestly, I knew I could.

I mean, I'm 38 and I'm not married and I'm an active & faithful Mormon.
Did you catch that?
I'm 38.
I'm SINGLE.
I'm an active FAITHFUL MORMON.
Need I say more?

I don't usually struggle with the "not doing".
I have a history of being fairly obedient.
If I commit to "not do" or I know I "shouldn't do", I'm typically pretty committed.

It's the "doing" that I often struggle with.

I give you my life as a runner as exhibit A.
(and if you read enough of these posts the past few years you'll find many many more exhibits...things I say I'll do that I don't stick with.)

And that got me thinking.
What does that say about me...that the "not doing" is easier than the "doing"?
What does that say?

Am I lazy?

I'm not sure what it says about me, actually.
I'm sure a therapist could help me figure that out.
(But, who needs a therapist when I have a blog?)

At any rate, I have decided to approach my current commitment (not the "no chocolate", but the running) as a "not doing" commitment.

A double negative, if you will.

Like, if I say, "I will not not run", will that change the way I approach it?
Will it make it easier?
More doable?
Because I gotta tell ya, I'm still struggling.
Even with the desire.
Even with the not starting over.
I apparently struggle "doing".

So, I'm going to try the opposite of doing.
I'm going to try the not doing.

Heck, it's worked for the chastity.
I know it will work for the chocolate.
Maybe...maybe it can work for the running.

And that's my latest "ah-ha".

So, here's to not not running tomorrow morning.

How much does God love us?

Am I the only one who has ever worried about God growing weary of me?

Am I the only one who, while kneeling in prayer, has felt the need to say "I'm sorry" again and again?

Am I the only one who has feared asking Him for one more chance?

I know God loves His children.

But, I do not comprehend the kind of love that is
patient and
forgiving and
trusting
in the way I sensed today how
patient and
forgiving and
trusting
He is
with me.

Today, through the power of fasting & prayer, I learned:
God is not weary of me. Never has been.
God accepts my "I'm sorry". Always will.
God will provide one more chance. Again.

And I am, of course, not the only one that is true for.
It's true for all of us...
THAT is how much He loves us.

Chocolate?

I had a fantastic night with some of the most inspiring people I've ever spent time with. And after hearing the stories and testimonies of my new friends from Norway, Zimbabwe and South Africa, I committed to not eat chocolate for one year.

Yes...you read that right.
NO CHOCOLATE.
FOR ONE YEAR.

I know.
I can't believe it either.

And I couldn't even really tell you how it happened but I was asked if I would accept the challenge and before my body could talk my spirit out of it, I said, "I'm in."

Had I been smart, I would have stopped at the grocery store tonight on my way home and grabbed a Butterfinger, some Reese's peanut butter cups, a pint of Haagen Daz Chocolate & Peanut Butter...you get the idea...and downed it all before midnight.

But, I'm not smart.

I love chocolate. It makes me happy. But what if something good can come from not eating it and the discipline of not eating it? Could be interesting.

Regardless, I made the commitment.
And I'm in.
Until May 21, 2011.
(good thing ice cream comes in plenty of other flavors.)

Think I can do it?

Mattie

I received this message on facebook:
Hi Laurel, my name is Mattie im a 12 year old girl and i just listened to your, You are what you belive CD. I want to thank you for making that. That REALLY helped me! Im super insecure in everything i do and what i look like. But now, I believe in myself and that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father that loves me, and I love him. Thank you!
Mattie

One of my favorite things to do is speak at Girls Camp.

For whatever reason I've been blessed to be with thousands of girls in that most perfect setting. It has always felt like a privilege; one I do not take for granted.

I start getting requests in the late fall...just one or two. And then at the first of the year, they start trickling in even more. I've never stopped accepting invitations before. Basically, if I'm free on the date, I say "yes". I feel like that's what I should do.

Sometimes when you're single and there's no one specifically needing your time or your energy or your heart, it's nice to feel needed and it's also difficult to say "no" (I know it's hard for a lot of women in general to say "no" and we all have our different reasons. This just happens to be mine.)

But, I've learned my limits. I've figured out I don't have a never-ending supply of love or ability and I've also come to really truly know that I have to use time this summer to take care of myself.

About a month ago, I made the decision that my schedule for the summer was full. And it was time to start saying "no".

I'm trying to stick with it. I really am. I am at a place where I can say "no" to other things (and I have...yay me) but when invitations for Girls Camps come, I write the "no" email and then I go to send it. And I save it in my drafts. I can't hit send.

I have yet to hit send.

How do I say "no" to the opportunity to help girls like Mattie? I realize that it's not a "permanent fix". What I say...the way I say it...might connect with them for a time. But, Mattie will get older and she'll still struggle with insecurities and doubts and moments of not feeling loved. Of course she will.

I realize that I am not the only person who says what I say.
My message isn't unique or groundbreaking.

But I do feel compelled to share it.

Because I wonder...what if in those moments of doubt and insecurity...what if a girl like Mattie (I was a Mattie) remembers, just for a moment, the way she felt when she heard me testify of God's love for her? What if she sees herself differently after coming to understand just a little better that she is literally a daughter of her Heavenly Father? That is a truth I know to my core and I feel passionately about helping other girls know it to their core too.

And so, how can I say "no" to other girls like Mattie?
I seriously don't know how to say "no" to that.
I don't think I can.

Did you know?

Did you know
I tried to get hired to teach seminary and got rejected?

Did you know
I'm still bugged the rejection letter was written using the comic sans font?

Did you know
I wet the bed until I was 12? (Well, then there was that one time at BYU).

Did you know
When I was little, I played Donahue...all by myself? I was the talk show host, the guest AND the audience.(that's a separate post)

Did you know
My sisters and I used to play Sacrament Meeting? I still remember the talk I always gave (and we MIGHT have used bread and water...we might have.)

Did you know
I got my first kiss at...nevermind.

Did you know
That sometimes I'll be sitting thinking or working and I'll notice I haven't inhaled for like a minute and so suddenly I'm gasping for air?

Did you know
I always wanted to be a radio talk show host?

Did you know
I got offered a job hosting a show on a new station here in SLC and then got the offer withdrawn in the same week before I could even tell anyone?

Did you know
I once went to visit a boy I had never met before in person in a far away city and after 36 hours, I changed my ticket, called a cab and left a note?

Did you know
The cab driver couldn't find the place I was staying and so the boy had to take me to the airport?

Did you know
that was awkward?

Did you know
I once took one of President Hinckley's daughers AND one of his granddaughter's into a Coyote Ugly?

Did you know
I got suckered into $194 in Chinese drugs? Oh, wait...yes, you did.

Did you know
I didn't go to my High School Prom?

Did you know
I once got my finger stuck in the penny loafer of a married man? (again, another post)

Did you know
One time at work I said to a male colleague on the phone, "Can I hold you?" instead of "Can I put you on hold?"

Did you know
I almost threw Elder Holland off a golf cart I was driving?

Did you know
I got kissed by Donny Osmond in the middle of a concert when I was 10 years old and that I wrote about it in my journal with a purple pen? And then, when I met him 20 years later, I had him sign that actual journal entry...with a purple pen?

Did you know
I'm kind of a nerdy girl who's kind of lived a unique life and kind of loves it?

I'm just glad I'm me today.

(And now it looks like I have a summer worth of stories to share.)

$194

and now you know.

Please don't say it...trust me...I was sick about it for MONTHS.
Why do you think it took so long to tell the story?

I like to think some cute maid at the Beijing Days Inn found the treasure in the garbage can and it changed her life (just like the Dr. said). I take some comfort in that hope. It makes me feel very generous and helpful. (Not really...still feel pretty dumb.)

EFast, you win. You know me TOO well.
(but, those of you who guessed less than $100. You're cute. Thank you.)

Here's My Heart, Lord

I have been totally enjoying Sunday School this year. I'm loving the study of The Old Testament. I don't know if it's because I'm maturing or just that my eyes are being opened to more parallels but whatever it is, I'm loving it.

Today we were studying the book of Joshua...which has some real gems.

At the end of the book, after Joshua has become the prophet, helped the people through the waters of Jordan, led them to conquer Jericho, Joshua recounts to the children of Israel all the the Lord has done for them.

He then asks them who they are committed to serve.
They say they choose to serve God.
He asks them again.
They again say they choose to serve God.

He says, "Ye are witnesses against yourselves that ye have chosen you the Lord, to serve him."
And they said, "We are witnesses."

Then Joshua tells them to "put away the strange gods which are among you, and incline your heart unto the Lord God of Israel." (Joshua 24:23)

I have a couple of "strange gods" in my life.
Though not an idolatrous girl in maybe the traditional sense, I definitely have some things in my life that need to be put away.
That get in the way. That make me wander.
And as I sat in class, I felt my little heart want to be more inclined to Him. And I want to be my own best witness that I have chosen to follow the God of Israel.

I love it when I feel that way.

It reminded me of the first time I heard and experienced this (and if you've never seen it, watch til the very very end.). And so I watched it again this afternoon and my little heart. Wow.


Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, [Lord]
Take and seal it.
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Just keep going

Who's the queen of fresh starts?
That would be me.

I am the queen of mentally starting anew.
Getting a new journal.
Throwing away past records of failure.
Pretending it's my first time.
Starting a new count.

I thought it was a healthy way to progress and let go of the past.

Until this morning.

I started by journey as a runner on January 1.
And I just knew this was going to be a different journey for me.
I knew I'd stick with it and do it everyday.
I was so certain and I started tracking my days on facebook.
It was good peer pressure, I thought.

But, as my work travels began and my life got more crazy, it just started becoming this "thing" that was weighing me down. Every day I didn't run, I saw it as a failure. And when I realized I was only on "Day 53" on May 3, well, I was sad.

And so...a couple of days ago, I started over.
Because that's what I do.

But this morning, on "Day 3", I noticed something.
It's my first day either not traveling or not working or not writing a book in like forever. I was at the beginning of a "fresh start" and I had an "ah-ha".

You see, I realized the queen of fresh starts (that would be me) had betrayed herself.
Often.

Whether it was God or just my subconscious or maybe a spirit of someone I'm connected to, I don't know. But, as clear as day, this came into my mind:

"You have commitment issues. With yourself. Do you see that? You have a hard time seeing something through to the end. These 'fresh starts' of yours aren't you starting anew, they are evidences of you giving up. You aren't acknowledging the steps you've already taken and the significance of the journey you've already walked. You simply aren't patient with yourself. And you're betraying what you've done...how far you've come...how much you've learned. Stop starting over. Just keep going."

Just keep going?

I don't think I would have made a very good Eve.
I think I would have asked for a "do over", not realizing how important the step I had taken would be.

I think I would have been a crummy pioneer. Early on I would have said, "Let's go back and try this again."

But, I can be a better me.
I can realize that I've already run farther and longer than I ever have in my life.
I can see that I'm not the same girl today that I was a year ago or even 5 months ago.
I can acknowledge how far I've come and not worry how it looks to others or how it feels to myself.
Because I haven't failed.

And so I'm also not going to start over.
Ever again.
No more manufactured "fresh starts"
Instead a life time of "just keep going".

Oh. It's Day 56, by the way.
And I'm totally okay with that.


(a huge thanks to my friend Arlene who, when I posted "Day 1" the other day on facebook said: "What? All those other times don't count? Good grief girl...give yourself some credit." You got me thinking about this in the first place, my dear. THANK YOU. xoxo)

Me today...

As seen here and shared by one of my favorite people on the planet.

The story that was never to be told.

This is a story that was supposed to be kept in China.
Beijing, specifically.

But now that time has passed, it is pretty darn funny...just as I hoped it one day would be.

And today I'm in the mood to tell it.
Lucky, lucky you.

My first day in Beijing I got blisters on my feet.
And so, by the end of the day, I was in need of some band-aids.

"Can you take us to a drugstore?" I asked our cute guide May.

May took us to "oldest pharmacy in China."
Fine by me.

Erin and I walked in and went to the counter. It wasn't quite as easy as I had hoped but we did eventually figure out which box had band-aids. I quickly put them on my feet. They were medicated and WOWZERS. What a sting.

May asked us if we wanted to have a "learning experience" (this was our first day, people. We weren't yet wise to the ploy of the "learning experience"...watch the video) and offered to have us meet one of the Doctors.

Erin went first.
Her palms were read. Her eyes were looked at.
I think she was asked to stick out her tongue.
The nice old Chinese woman doctor said things in Chinese.
The cute young nurse acted as interpeter.
It was all a little odd but for sure interesting.

The dr told Erin all of her health woes (pretty sure she made several of them up) and tried to sell her a bunch of ancient Chinese drugs. Erin looked at me. She's no sucker.

But I was just glad it wasn't me in that chair.

Then it was.
(And seriously, people, these are not easy situations to get out of.)

The old Chinese doctor looked at my hands and into my eyes and at my tongue.
And then she started talking and talking and talking.

Something about my weight (and it was only borderline awkward)
and all the reasons I have trouble losing weight (which was semi intriguing)
and what was going on with my body (which was only mildly offensive)

But, then she told me what I needed in order to release my body of all the toxins that were causing all my problems. Oh, the sales pitch...I mean these people knew what they were doing!

"These pills change your life."

It all made so much sense.
And China money is so different it's hard to do the math in your head.
I looked at Erin.
She looked at me.
I was trying to figure out how to politely get us out of the situation
(and, frankly, trying to figure out how Erin got out of the sales pressure).

I knew only a sucker would actually buy.
Only a sucker.

When we got back to the hotel, I opened the boxes of pills.
You'd think I would have at least opened the box before the purchase, right?
Oh, the smell!
THE SMELL!
Little pellets of hamster food.
And there was no FDA label.
No promise of "the drug has been tested and you can take it and not die."
And the smell...did I mention the smell?

I looked at Erin.
She looked at me.
And we laughed.
Like we had never laughed before.
WHAT. ON. EARTH?

Who does that?
Who buys scary drugs from an old Chinese doctor?
Drugs that smell?
Who spends that kind of money on hamster food?
Hamster food that hasn't been FDA tested?

...Oh, and what did I do with the "you take these pills for 90 days and change your life" pills? I left them in a trash can in the Beijing Days Inn.
Who does that?
Who buys scary drugs from an old Chinese doctor?
Drugs that smell?
And that are expensive for crying out loud?
And then leaves them in the Beijing Days Inn?
Who does that?

Sometimes I can still hear that old Chinese doctor.
And I'm pretty sure she's laughing.
Happily, I can hear me and Erin laughing too.

(cool prize for the person who guesses most correctly how much I spent on the smelly hamster pellets. Erin & Kara, you can't enter. sorry.)

Grateful for yesterday

Yesterday was Mother's Day.
It's a day I have always been grateful for.

And I've been grateful that the gaping hole I sometimes feel doesn't bubble up any more intensely on Mother's Day than any other day.

But, yesterday, I found myself waking up alone in a hotel in Toronto (and yes, I know some of you mom's might have loved to be in my place.). I found the local church (which happened to be next to the gorgeous Toronto Temple).

But, I didn't stay long.

Instead, I drove here
And my, myself, and I sat for a few minutes and just looked at the wonder of God's creations. I listened to the crashing water and looked around at all the people, and this came rushing out of my heart--

Today I'd give up my meetings with important people
for chats during carpool

Today I'd give up my silver medallion status
for a well-worn library card

Today I'd give up my freedom of time
for interrupting knocks on the bathroom door

Today I've give up my $200 Nordstrom jacket (please don't judge me)
for even one little reason to cut coupons

Today I'd give up all the professional accolades
for one heart-felt, "thanks, Mom"

I guess that little hole in my heart did bubble up yesterday a little more than other days.
And you know what?
I'm actually okay with that.
It's a hole that's not meant to be completely filled by anything other than

chats during carpool
well-worn library cards
interrupting knocks on the bathroom door
reasons to cut coupons
and "thanks, mom" moments

And so I need that little hole to bubble up.
Even on Mother's Day.
I guess that's just one more reason why I'm grateful for yesterday.

(Particularly when Niagra Falls is followed by a first-class upgrade. So all in all...a good day.)

the little girl in me

The biggest place I look for
validation
is from my mother.
That's the little girl in me

that will never grow up.

-Naomi Watts

I don't ever want a day like today again.
Knowing my mom thinks I can do it should be enough. It needs to be enough.

And you know what, Mom?
It is.
Thanks.
xoxo

Lay it to heart

Remember this, which I tell you before,
that you may lay it to heart,
and receive that which is to follow.
(Doctrine & Covenants 58:5)

"Lay it to heart".
I think that is one of the most beautiful phrases I've ever heard.
Had you heard it before?

I hadn't.
I mean, I had read the verse before.
It's in one of my favorite sections.
But, I hadn't HEARD it.
Until last Sunday, when it popped out at me while I was sitting at church.
And it spoke to me.
I felt it.
And I wanted it.
I wanted to know what it meant to "lay it to heart".

And that night I knew.
And I've been reflecting on it all week.

I spent much last weekend getting my heart to a place where it would be open and ready to hear whatever He had to tell me.
And, through the power of His Holy priesthood, as I received a much needed blessing at the hands of a friend,
I heard.

And it was clear.

I think "lay it to heart" has many meanings.
It means committing it to your heart.
Believing it.
Pondering it.
Feeling it.
Keeping it. to yourself.
Because it's just you and Him.
And so I won't shout from the rooftops what I "lay to heart".

But, I do feel the need to shout from the rooftops that it happened.

And for me, it happened because God's Priesthood, the power for man to act in His name, is here on the earth.

I know I can talk to God.
I know He will talk to me.
And sometimes, through His Priesthood, what He has to say is just a little easier to hear.

I lay that to heart too.

Down on one knee

It started with a double (actually triple, but you can't see it) rainbow on a short walk after our event this weekend (which was incredible, btw and a great reminder of why I've loved the privilege of my job these past several years).

But, I digress.
It started with the double rainbow:

And then a magical giant red wagon.
I should have known something was up.

But, I couldn't have been prepared for what was just around the corner.





There he was.








All alone.






As if he was waiting for me.







While he was...







Down on one knee...

(Yes, I'm a total nerd and there might have been a few people in Spokane Saturday night who were mildly amused by my antics. But, seriously, how does a blogger pass up a shot like this? How?)

Funny too. Of all the men I thought I'd end up with, an astronaut wasn't on the list. But, who am I to fight destiny?