Anybody out there?

It's much too dark for my liking.

Why?
Because the power is out.

I'm feeling very alone.

And the wind is howling.

And I don't like it.
Not one. little. bit.

I don't mind being on my own a whole lotta the time.
But right now, it's much too dark...and way too quiet
(except for the howling wind, of course.)

Anybody out there?

Praying for Mr. Spencer

I reconnected with a friend from high school on facebook.
We've had some great conversations about life and God.
He's a good husband and dad.
I can tell.
And I admire him a lot.

He read my "&" blog.
And it connected with him.

And so I sent him one of his very own.
(an ampersand paperweight, that is.)

And tonight I got a message from him via facebook.
He told me they found out on Friday his dad has stomach cancer.
They find out more on Wednesday.
And then he said,
"I guess if you say any prayers in the next couple of days, don't forget us! Your little "&" that you sent me has taken on added meaning."

I told him he was in luck.
I happen to be a pray-er.
I believe in it.
I live by it.
There is a God in Heaven who hears and answers the prayers of His children.
It's one truth I know to my core.

So, tonight, this week, we're praying for Mr. Spencer.
Will you join me?
Because I believe in the power of prayer.
I really really do.
And I want my friend to believe in it too.

What do I love?

I love that...

-when I shop at Whole Foods Market, I walk around wondering if all the other shoppers know I didn't vote for Obama.

I love that...

-I stayed at the Temple today twice as long as I meant to because right before I was going to leave, I finally heard what I needed to hear. And so I stayed so I could hear more.

-even though changing my life seems to be the hardest thing I've ever done, I know I won't quite till I get there. Even if it's partly for pride reasons. As least I won't quit. Yay me.

I love that...

-this morning I tried yoga for the first time and I almost liked it.

-my body can't sleep in even on my first free Saturday in forever.

I love that..

-I unsubscribed from a favorite "mommy blog" because she even made ME, who is not a mom, feel inadequate as a mother.

-I'm actually excited to return to my church assignment tomorrow. I've missed my little friends.

I love that...

-my new cut and color makes me feel totally put together so much so that I didn't wear a stitch of make-up today.

-I didn't wear a stitch of make-up today.

I love that..

-I'm at a place in my life where staying at home by myself on a Friday night is totally okay.

-THE YOUNG VICTORIA is out on dvd and the "Special Features: Deleted and Extended Scenes" is almost as good as the movie.

I love that...I'm opening up my heart and mind to new opportunities. And trusting the Lord knows what I want...and what I need.

I love that I love my life.

I love that.

My dad's neat.

My dad's neat.
My dad's nice.
My dad really does like rice.
If I have a problem,
If I seem sad,
My dad makes me very very glad.
If you like your pop
then give a little hop.
If you have a tear
my dad will bring you cheer.

Poetry like that just doesn't come around more than once in a person's lifetime (I mean, come on! I rhymed "nice" and "rice"!)
And so none of us were shocked to discover THE FRIEND wanted to publish it in the early 80s (it was on the kids page...you know, the one with the funny artwork?)
So, today I publish it again...in honor of my favorite dad.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Father 'o mine.

I love love love you.

Oh, and you really ARE neat...just so you know.

Where are you standing?

I’ve been to a couple of temples where on a wall is the beautiful painting by David Lindsley entitled “Behold, Your Little Ones”.

The picture depicts Christ’s visit to the Americas after His resurrection, specifically this painting shows him with the little children. I had the chance to meet the artist and confirm the major details of a story I thought I knew about the painting.

One summer many years ago, Mr. Lindsley had arranged to use a group of primary children for a photo shoot. The children were instructed to come wearing bathrobes over their clothes. A man, representing the Savior, stood in a white robe with his arms outstretched. The children were placed around him and then the photo shoot began. Mr. Lindsley took pictures from all angles with the intention of taking those pictures back to his studio to create the final painting.

There was a young girl, perhaps 10 years of age, participating in the photo shoot. Because of her height, she had been placed in the back, right next to the man portraying Jesus. As she stood there, she couldn’t help but notice that Jesus’ hand (well, the man standing in the place of Jesus for the painting) was outstretched right in front of her face. She knew, like the other children, that the painting was going to be used in conjunction with a church magazine and she wanted to make sure she was a part of it. If she stayed where she was, maybe no one would see her in the final piece of art.

Somehow she convinced the girl standing next to her (who was NOT in front of the hand of the man portraying Jesus) to trade places. Now the 10 year old was no longer next to Jesus but she wasn’t behind his hand either. She could easily be seen by anyone who looked at the picture.

Did you catch that?

She had the chance to be the girl standing right beside the Savior.
But, she changed places because she was worried no one would see her in the picture.

Well, the great irony to this story is that when the final painting came out, she was barely distinguishable in the picture at all. She went from being next to Jesus to essentially being cut from the painting altogether.

I have stood in the temple many times and looked at that picture.
And, knowing the story, I can’t help but wonder how that girl must feel whenever she sees the painting.
She had given up a chance to be right next to the Savior because she wanted to be seen by the world instead.

But, I don’t have to wonder how she feels every time she sees the picture.

I know how she feels.

Because that 10 year old little girl was me.

Whenever I walk into one of the temples that has that painting, I stop and reflect.
And ask myself, "Where are you standing?"

Because what my 10 year old self didn’t understand then, my 30-something self has realized over a lifetime of experiences now, and that is this: When you have the chance to “stand next to” the Savior, whether that is being in the Temple or partaking of His Holy sacrament or being enveloped by His love as you kneel to pray, you take it.

When you have the chance to stand up for what is right, to testify of truth, to courageously walk away from worldly pursuits and choose Him, you take it.

And in those moments,
nothing is more important than being right there,
as close as you can be,
to Him.

Missed Opportunity?

"Part of the tragedy you must avoid
is to discover too late
that you missed an opportunity
to prepare for a future
only God could see for you."
President Henry B. Erying

When I read a quote that makes me cry, I know my spirit is responding to truth.

And that is what happened to me today when a dear friend shared this quote with me. He did not know...he could not have known...that the Lord was using him to talk to me (yes, it's now happened twice this week) and he could not have known that I feel I'm standing on the edge of a cliff...where I can fall...
or fly.

A cliff that I have probably not prepared for as I should have.
But, the Lord is giving me a chance to prepare. Still.
He's giving me a chance to fly.

I have often wondered about missed opportunities in my life.
Wondered...
what if I had said this?
what if I hadn't walked away?
what if I had trusted more?
what if I had chosen another door instead?
what if I had conquered sooner?

Not regrets...just wonderings.

I have a future only God can see.
He is inviting me to prepare for it.
It's not too late.
There will be no tragedy here.

Missed opportunity?
Not this time.

Not this time.

When God talks back...

I'm in this interesting place of needing reminders of things I already know.
My little spirit was carried for about 5 weeks while I worked to finish my next book (that was in fact the actual cover, btw, and it will be out this fall and I'm kind of excited about it. Especially once I saw the cute cover.) I've never felt more led to deliver a message I didn't have any right to be the messenger of. But, I sensed He was allowing me to be used and I was taught in ways I needed to be taught to say some things I myself needed to hear.

I love it when He does that.

But the last week+, I've felt how much I was carried because I've felt the weight of not being carried. That is not to say the Lord has left me, but He has definitely shown me I did not do those weeks without Him...and I know that because of the contrast I've been experiencing (it literally began the morning after I submitted the manuscript).

I've felt rather alone this week.
And I've been talking to God about that. A lot.
And today?
Today He talked back to me.

I read a facebook message this morning...from Him...through a girl who got a message from Him...through me...many years ago. And I was reminded we don't own a copyright on truth. He does. And He really does use us to help each other.

I was thinking about you today, and I thought I would drop you a note to tell you my story...

I went shopping today with my mom to find a cute outfit for graduation next week. I wanted something unique and fun so we went to a cute little boutique. Well, let's just say the experience was not so good. What was supposed to be a fun day shopping with my mom was slowly spiraling downward. That boutique made me feel like the fattest most disproportionate person in the world! Nothing fit, and if I got it on it looked terrible. I was really starting to think it was me, and that I just didn't have the right body.

I remembered something you taught us at girls camp (which was the very first time I met you). You gave us each a small circular mirror and said that when we look at ourselves in that mirror, that is what God sees, that He sees inside of us.

And let's be honest no matter how old we are, we still stress about our bodies, when it's what's inside that matters.

Thanks Laurel. I love you.

-(name withheld)

P.S. Just so you won't worry about the outfit dilemma ;) we went to Nordstroms next. I should have known Nordstroms wouldn't let me down. They provided me with a gorgeous outfit and a fun day shopping with my mom!


I love this message for several reasons:
1.) Nordstrom really does make everything right in the world.
2.) This girl is graduating from college. She's married now. I can't believe she remembered that silly little mirror devotional.**
3.) I needed that exact same message this morning when I was feeling anything but good about myself.
4.) Women have A LOT of pressure to look "right" and we get messed up because of that pressure.
5.) It IS what's on the inside that counts (though my inside really really wants my outside to match her. And interestingly enough, that's the message of this message as well).
6.) The Lord has blessed me to cross paths with some incredible girls (and their moms...)
7.) Nordstrom really does make everything right in the world (did I already say that?...grin).

I know...I KNOW...that when we talk to God, He ALWAYS talks back.
It might take time.
It might be through someone else.
But, He talks.
He does.

**If you want to use the mirror devotional with your yw...it's super simple. Find a mirror 1"...no more than 2"...that way the girls can really only see their eye. They aren't distracted by anything else about themselve they might now like. Talk to them about their spirit. Tell them who the Lord knows they are and they can know that too. Use a scripture that illustrates the point. A personal fave of mine is Doctrine & Covenants 58:3 (just the first part). Invite them to keep the mirror in their pocket or bag for at least a week to serve as a reminder all week of what God sees in them...I told you it was simple.

Who's the cool girl in 7th grade?

That would be me.

Totally.

Why?

Well, let's just say Jimmy B and I are totally reuniting.
Like, totally.
On Thursday.

Stay tuned!

November 10, 1985

During a radio interview, the host presented an interesting question to me. “I would love for you to talk about your faith and how old you were when you knew it was your own.”

I don’t remember ever being asked that question before. I actually don’t know if I’ve ever even thought about the answer. But, an answer came to me as quickly and naturally as anything ever has. I can’t help but think my little spirit had just been waiting for someone to present the opportunity to share what was inside me.

I said something like this:
“My first real vivid memory of knowing that there was something out there and someone out there was in 1985. We drove from our house in Pewee Valley, Kentucky to the Stake Center in Louisville and we watched a special satellite broadcast for the Young Women of the Church. It was the first time that the Young Womens Theme and the values were introduced by Sister Ardeth Kapp. And I remember sitting in that Stake Center and when I heard that theme for the first time, something connected with me.

And I can take almost every gospel truth I’ve acquired in my life or fought to figure out and I can take every single one back to that theme. That was a pivotal time in my life when I was trying to figure out who I was. And that Young Women’s Theme is a foundation for me.

I believe God sacrificed His only begotten Son because I know He loves me and so it makes sense to me He would do that.

I believe that God spoke to a prophet named Joseph Smith when he was fourteen because I know God loves me and so it makes sense He would do that.

That is really where I got my faith.
It’s why I made the decision to read the Book of Mormon and the Bible.
It’s why I go to church on Sunday.
It’s why I partake of the Sacrament.

Because I truly believe, when all is said and done and everything else is stripped away, it is as simple as: ‘I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me.’ And so, I have to say that is how my faith has become my own—because of that Young Women’s theme from oh so long ago.”

When I was done, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for that little theme that obviously has had such a profound impact on my little life. I realized how it has motivated me to do better and be better. It has changed me forever.

It’s been [almost] twenty-five years since that theme was first introduced. I was a 13 year old girl with a whole life ahead of me (please don’t do the math!). And every Sunday, I would stand with the other young women in my ward and we would recite those words. Every Sunday. The same words.

Have you ever thought about what you’re saying when you stand and repeat the Young Women’s Theme? Have you thought about the amazing truths you are saying out loud? Have you wondered why you say it every Sunday?


[TO BE CONTINUED...November 2010.]

Needing China [again]

I reached out to a dear friend today.
I said I was spent.
Didn't know how I could do it all.

I'm a believer that God helps us help each other.
I've seen Him do that countless times.

And today when my dear friend said this:
"You're running a zillion miles an hour, going nonstop and giving everything to everyone. You can't do that nonstop, you know..."

And then I said, "I know." But then admitted I don't know how to NOT do all the things I'm feeling like He (i.e. God) needs me to be doing.

Well, then God helped my friend...my inspired friend...to help me by saying:
"You need to make sure it's what HE really needs you to do and not what YOU need HIM to need you to do."

And, well...WOW.

I instantly felt the truth of that.
I've so needed to know He needs me.
Ever since I came back from Christmas.
Like it would all make sense if I just knew God needed me to be doing "other things" right now.

And I've filled up my calendar with things [again], albeit very good ones [again].
Darn it. I've been here before.

I think I need China [again].

Sometimes I can't stop talking

Shocking, I know.

And this morning, when asked during a panel discussion on the radio if there was something that we worried we wouldn't get to do in this life that we always wanted to do...something that maybe the time had passed for...

My heart immediately felt it.

My head kept saying, "talk about Annie. Say that you wanted to be Annie from the time you were 10...that you used to sing all the songs in the laundry room in the house in Kentucky...that you envisioned the audition...that you thought with your bad short perm imposed on you by your mother (just kidding, mom...no i'm not...yes I am) that you would be a shoe in. and you probably are too old for that now. talk about Annie. talk about Annie. talk about Annie."

But my head kept quiet.
And my heart started talking.
About that thing that was one of that parts that made the break-up so darn hard and the real motivation (right now) for why I was willing...am willing to risk my heart.

You see, I'm 38.
And I always wanted to give birth to my very own little laurel.
But, the clock is ticking.
And though I've not given up...well, in the quiet moments alone, it's the thing I wonder/worry/hope/faith/pray about.

There.
I said it.

And my little heart couldn't not say it this morning.
Even over air waves.
That will be heard this Saturday on KSL-radio. at 4:00pm mountain time.
By who knows how many people.

Sometimes I can't stop talking.
Probably should.
But sometimes, I can't.