Feeling the void

What happens to a girl like me when my life slows down?

I wouldn't know that very well.
Because I don't let it slow down.

And there's a reason for that.

I used to think that I could label that reason as "single".
But, I've had some great conversations in the last few months with some of my married friends who are caught in the "life is so busy" trap that I sometimes seem to be in.

So, I know it's not just about me being single.
There has to be more to it than that.

So much of what I spend my time doing is good...
and even connected to my life's mission (I truly believe that).

But, it's not what I'm doing...it's sometimes WHY I'm doing it.
You see, I think I am starting to understand that, more often than not, I am choosing to live the life...this crazy, overscheduled, overcommitted life... I live in an attempt to fill the void...the "gap"...the "empty space"...the "vacancy" (all definitions of "void")...that exists. It does.

And what if the "void" isn't just because I'm single?
And what if that void isn't meant to be filled by all the things I'm filling it with?

After the celebration, I turned to someone I'd been working with and we both kind of said together, "Holy Cow. What will we do now?" (translated: "I'm losing this 'thing' that is filling my time to overflowing and giving me purpose...helping me not ever have 'quiet time'. If I don't have this 'thing', I might be forced to slow down and have 'quiet time'. If I have 'quiet time', I might have to feel what I work so hard to never feel.")

And while I often fill that void with prayer and the temple and scriptures and speaking opportunities, I also fill that void with facebook and my BlackBerry and my blog and texts and phone calls. Anything sometimes to fill the silence...the void.

I FILL it
so I don't have to FEEL it.

Ouch. Just typing that hurt a little.

BUT...
Another definition of "void" is "opening, as in a wall".
Hmmm.

What if the void I feel (that I try to fill) isn't a gap or an empty space.
What if, instead, it IS an opening.
An opening for a new opportunity--
A new experience--
A new corner...

And so, for me...while these next two weeks (yes, TWO WEEKS...as you read this, I'm enroute to China) will be filled with marvelous places and people and experiences...it will also be filled with no facebook, no BlackBerry, no blog, no texts, no phones calls.

And so I'm counting on it being filled...I'm PRAYING for it to be filled... with FEELING and thinking and acknowledging some of the things I work too hard avoiding as I fill the void.

Because I sense that NOW...
NOW, it's time to FEEL it.

Here's to believing something else is just around this corner.


(Oh, and please don't forget about me while I'm gone. and if you could miss me a little, that would be great too. xoxo)