My Yom Kippur

Yesterday was Yom Kippur.
Did you know that?

For those of you not as fascinated by the Jewish faith as I am, Yom Kippur means "Day of Atonement". Most consider it the most important holiday and most holy day of the Jewish year. It is a day set aside to "afflict the soul" and to repent of the sins of the last year.

Yesterday, though I didn't intend to,
I observed Yom Kippur.

The details are not important (nor do I have the energy to share them), but I made a huge mistake. A biggie. And it caused grief for someone I love and respect very much. Which, in turn, caused intense grief for me.

It was the kind of mistake you can't take back and can't make right.
And I was in turmoil last night.
And, just like in the actual observance of Yom Kippur, I spent some time in "intensive prayer".

The consequences will not rectify themselves overnight. I will deal with certain portions of the effects for days and weeks to come.

And that is hard.

But, here is what I learned (or was reminded of) on this most holy of holidays:
- God hears my prayers.
- God knows my heart.
- God makes things right.
(Oh, and the boy in my life right now handled talking me through this perfectly. Yes, he did. I was impressed...and grateful.)

But the most important thing I learned?

Well, that would be the one truth that is missing from the traditional Yom Kippur.

And that is that Jesus Christ...
"hath born our griefs and carried away our sorrows...
he was wounded for our transgressions [and our mistakes]...
and with his stripes [I] am healed." (Isaiah 53)

Not just on Yom Kippur.
But Every. Single. Day.

Yes, yesterday was Yom Kippur.
But, so was today.

And tomorrow will be too.
Did you know that?

[one of] Heavenly Father's favorite

I think I've talked about this before...

that as a young girl I just knew...I KNEW...I was Heavenly Father's favorite.
I knew He knew me.
I knew He loved me.
And I might have thought He loved me best.

There was a time in my life when I didn't believe this anymore.
I didn't just believe it wasn't true.
I knew...way down deep it couldn't be true.

I felt distanced.
Left behind.
Forgotten.
by Him.

Those were dark days. And they were real days.
I will never ever forget where I was when those days started.
Or where I was when I began to see light again.

It was during that time that I was reconnected with a picture of myself at about the age of 8. And that picture was a lifeline.
It was a reminder to me of the girl I once was.
The woman I hoped to be.
It was a picture of me when I KNEW...KNEW...
that I was indeed Heavenly Father's favorite.I'm a really bad photo scanner. I know there is a better way to show this picture but this will have to do for now. This picture sits framed on my desk at work. I have another copy in my home. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at that girl. Reconnected with that girl.

I wish you could see the smile on her face and the light in her little eyes.
I love that her older sisters are behind her and she's not tagging along behind them.
I love the way she's walking down the streets of San Francisco like she could do anything.
And of course she could,
She was, afterall, Heavenly Father's favorite.

Well, on Monday, I was in San Francisco again.

We found the street.
My sister Heather played along.

Can you see the smile on my face and the light in my eyes?
Can you see that I'm walking down the streets of San Francisco like I can do anything?
And of course I can.
I am, afterall, [one of] Heavenly Father's favorite.

(BTW, if you really want to understand how I feel about this topic...and the power of young women believing this truth about themselves, it's in my little book. I'd include it here but I'm not smart enough to scan that either...)

(more San Fran pictures to come after Erin's wedding...I'm getting on a plane.)

I don't want to end up married...

...to me.

(BTW, this post is being written whilst waiting for my emissions & inspection. thanks to the few of you who tried to figure out how to help me with that. you know who you are and i love you for it.)

I've jokingly said many times that if I am going to spend time being single, I'm glad I get to spend time with me.

Now, that is not to say there are not things I want to change about me.
I have plenty of things to work on.

But, for the most part...
I kind of get a kick out of myself.
I'm comfortable with who I am (I think I should send that statement to my therapist. She'd be proud to see how far I've come.)
I like the things I like.
I'm willing to do what I want to do...I'm incredibly selfless that way. (yes, that's what I meant to say.)
Pretty much, I'm a good match for me.

And so, it was an interesting thought when someone suggested that even though I might think I do (or act like I do), I don't actually want to marry...me.

But, I kind of thought I was supposed to.

You see, I've heard the phrase "equally yoked" most of my life. I've understood the importance of being equally yoked in marriage. But, I've interpreted that phrase incorrectly.

I thought EQUAL meant SAME.
But, it doesn't.

When oxen are equally yoked (and of course I know this from my days as a farmer), they are balanced in their workload. Together, they get done what needs to get done. One of them might be better going uphill. One might be better going down. One might pay attention to what's ahead. One might just keep his head down and plow through. But, if they are yoked and equally taking on their responsibility, they are a team.

An equal team.

A balanced team.

I've finally started to see that I don't need someone just like me.
Yea, verily, I don't even want someone just like me.
Not anymore.

Because, I think I've finally figured out that my "perfect match" and I wouldn't actually be "equally yoked".
If we were the same, his strengths would be my strengths.
His weaknesses would be my weaknesses.
And I don't want that.
Even more, I don't need that.

I need someone who balances me.

So, maybe instead of ME, I need someone who is...
reserved when I'm talkative.
grinning, when I'm laughing out loud.
saying "fine" when I'm saying "great".
being patient when I'm freaking out.
okay behind the scenes when I'm out in front.
being kind when I'm biting my tongue.
being liberal when I'm being conservative (or at least THINKING he's liberal until I help him realize he's conservative.)

Yep, that's probably just what I need.

Who knew I wouldn't want to end up married to me?
I guess I just have to hope that eventually someone else will.
Eventually.

Oops. Was that sexist?

Dear Anonymous:

I probably am a sexist.
Contrary to my current lifestyle, I'm pretty traditional.
I think I'd wear pearls in the kitchen.
I'm not a "feminist" by current definitions.
That is for sure.

I think a wife DOES help her partner get life organized.
I don't think a husband would WANT the task of organizing "Miss Laurel's life".

But, I'd be willing to find out for myself.
If you know someone who is interested in the position, let me know.

Let's go to lunch...whoever you are.

Oh, and just for the rest of you wives who I might have offended--
(as indicated by a few emails this morning...I'm SO SORRY.)

I promise I get it's not all about renewing car registrations.
I promise I know that you're all just not taking care of the "to do" lists for the family.
I promise that I know it's not just time for running and going to see a movie in the middle of the day.
I promise that I get that you have your own list of things to do that never get done.
I have NO DOUBT that being a wife (and mother especially) is a lot of work.

But, someday when I know for myself...
I'd like to think my hubby won't ever have to worry about renewing the registration.
and I'll be in charge of the "to do" list.
and I'll make time for running and movies in the middle of the day.
and I'll laugh at my own list that never gets done.
and I'll be grateful that being a wife is a lot of work.

In the meantime, I was serious...
anyone want to get my car registered for me?
(oh, and just to be clear, I'd be PERFECTLY HAPPY to let my husband do this too.)

What a way to start a day

I know...I know...
But it's not what you think.

Now, don't get me wrong.
I have GREAT love and appreciation for those who protect us.
I also watched CHIPS while growing up and had a huge crush on Larry Wilcox (the blonde one).

So, overall, I totally dig cops on motorcylces.

But, I've been SO good lately about driving the speed limit (no, really, I have) and so when he pulled up behind me with his lights flashing (yes, this is the actual picture of the actual flashing lights this morning), I seriously could not even imagine what the issue was.

Expired registration.

And did you know that if it's been expired for 3 months or more they can (and are supposed to) impound your vehicle on the spot?

I didn't either.

"Shut up!" I said.
"I won't." said the nice officer.

"I can't believe this! I moved last year. I'm sure they mailed me something I never got."
"I actually believe you. And I like you. I like your attitude. I like your license plate. You can keep the car. But, here's a ticket. Get it renewed by the end of the month."

Seriously.
I need a wife.
I can't do all the things I need to do.

I'm not complaining...don't get me wrong.

Grateful to have a job that I love.
I love having people in my life who need me (and who I need).
I like where I'm at.

But, if you knew the week I'd had...
yeah...
there are better ways to start a day.

(anyone want to go get my car registered for me?)

Do SOMETHING

So what do we do?
Anything.
Something.
So long as we just don't sit there.
If we screw it up, start over.
Try something else.
If we wait until we've satisfied all uncertainties,
it may be too late.
-Lee Iacocca

I think this might be my new favorite quote.
At least right now.

Are you just sitting there?
Do SOMETHING.

Here we go...

Between all our events
and a wedding
and another attempt at a publishing deadline
and a certain boy I'm trying to make room for (did I just say that out loud?)

I've got a full calendar ahead and am basically on the road until...at least November 15th.

But, it's all good.
really
really
good.

And we all know I've never been able to stay away from this blog for very long.
So, stay tuned.

PS if by any chance you'll be at any of our events in Boise or Pleasanton or Richmond or Riverside or Kansas City or St. George or Salt Lake City? Make sure to find me & say "hi".

Here we go!

Sometimes the answer is "No"

"Sister, Christensen, how come when we fasted and prayed for my brother Sam, he didn't get better?"

It felt like time stood still.

I was teaching during a combined meeting at church for the children ages 7-11. We were discussing the gospel principle of fasting and prayer. I didn't intend to have a deep philosophical conversation about it and frankly, I was struggling with something deep in my heart...an "unanswered prayer" as it were.

So, I wasn't in the best frame of mind to instill faith in some of God's youngest and most impressionable. In that moment, I couldn't answer Gavin's question. I knew all the "right" answers. But, I didn't have the REAL one.

"Well, Gavin, what do you think?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe you didn't fast long enough?" I heard myself say.

"No, we fasted for a long time."

"Hmmm...maybe you didn't pray hard enough." I responded.

"No, we prayed hard a lot."

"Maybe you didn't really want it." I questioned.

"No, we do. We want him to get better."

"Well, maybe, God isn't listening." I'm sure the other adults in the room were wondering where I was headed with that risky statement. Frankly, I was wondering too.

"No, He is listening. He's always listening." Gavin faithfully replied with a little catch in his voice. Oh, I remember that little catch in his voice.

"Well, Gavin, if you fasted long enough and prayed hard enough and you really want it and God is listening, maybe God just doesn't want Sam to get better."

"No, he has to want Sam to get better. He has to."

It was as if time stood still and as I heard Gavin say those words, I knew in my heart my Father had heard my prayer too...and wanted me to "get better"...he wanted to heal my heart. But, I was at a loss. I stood there paralyzed not sure where this discussion was now going or what I should now say.

"Please, Father. Please." I silently cried out deep in the quiet private spot in my heart. "Please, help Gavin...please help me."

And then my little spirit asked the all important question:
"Can anyone tell us why Sam isn't getting better even though Gavin and his family are fasting and praying?"

Well, that's what came out of my mouth, but my real question was,
"Can someone please tell me why the Lord hasn't answered my plea yet? My heart is breaking. I feel alone. I'm at the edge of my faith. Please...someone..."

And, for as long as I live, I will never forget little 8-year-old Jonathan.

"Sister Christensen?" Jonathan said while raising his hand.
And then, as if speaking for the Lord Himself, Jonathan spoke right to my heart:

"Because sometimes the answer is 'no'."

And in that moment, time DID stand still.
I know it did.
The room froze.
And the spirit infused in my heart a profound truth about my life and God's dealings with me...and His love for me.

"Did you hear that, Laurel?" God seemed to say.
"I heard you. I was listening. I know what you wanted. But it was not to be. And the answer is 'no'. And it doesn't mean I don't love you or that I've left you alone. I've been here all along. You just didn't want 'no' for the answer. And I'm sorry. But, someday you'll see that it's all okay. Someday you'll see. I promise."

When time began again, my spirit stood resolutely before those who were God's youngest and most impressionable and said, "That's right, Jonathan. Sometimes the answer is 'no'."

And then, I cried and looked right at Gavin and shared my simple testimony that
God lives.
He hears every little prayer.
He loves us.
He wants us to be happy.
And sometimes, just like Jonathan said...
Sometimes the answer is "No".

It's been several years since that moment in time.
But, a comment at church this past Sunday brought it all flooding back as if no time had passed at all.

And I found my little heart so grateful for the "no" answers of my past...
...and I will trust in the "yes" answers of my future.

Because sometimes the answer
IS
Yes.

****
A few years ago I shared this experience with my friend Cherie Call, one of my all-time favorite songwriters (and woman). She wrote the song "No" based on that conversation. I think it's brilliant. Take a listen and read all the lyrics.