sunday best...

I just watched a video by one of my favorite bloggers and artists...

the video was about her favorite blogging tips.

It made me start to think about my own little corner of the internet,

about this little blog that I have called home

for the past 8 or so years.

I have evolved a lot during the time I have been blogging

and I attribute a LOT of that

to the blog.

I doubt that I would have ever, ever gotten into photography,

especially to the degree that I have,

if not for this blog.

I started this blog in april of 2005...

i didn't even know what a blog was, really...

i had just wanted to comment on another blog

and had to have a blog account to do it 

(or so i thought, heh)

and so i wrote my first post...

initially the blog was called bloody hell.

obviously i was feeling some frustration in my life at that point, heehee.

we were trying to buy a house

while living in a house that had virtually no heat

and it was incredibly frustrating...

my kids were young,

i was running a home daycare,

i was without adult company for most of the time

and i was at my wits end.

so i wrote rants to collection agents 

and funny anecdotes about the kids...

but as i read other blogs,

i found that there was a WHOLE other world out there,

a world of other people LIKE me!

who liked to read what I liked to read,

who liked to make things and create things

and 

it was like a bolt of lightning

went off in my head

and exploded into pretty fireworks...

so I started doing new things...

card making, doodling, knitting, painting.

but my photos were HORRENDOUS.

embarrassing really when I look back on them now...

and then

i was back to being frustrated again.

so i bought a new camera

and started playing with it...

and eventually,

it no longer had anything to do with the 

knitting, the baking, the painting...

it was all about the photos.

and then i shot my first family session...

and then i shot my first wedding (both in 2009)

I had 6 weddings that first summer and last summer,

I shot 19 weddings and a number of family/engagement/commercial sessions

while working full time.

it has been busy.

like crazy busy.

but I feel like the little thing that brought me to this point,

this little blog,

has been neglected...

passed over for the instant gratification of my facebook photography page,

of instagram, of twitter feed that I am just learning how to navigate

(i had to google what MT meant today...i thought it might mean "me too", heehee)

so 

i want to get back to the blog.

and Alisa Burke talked about scheduling 

(which I used to do...haphazardly...remember poetry thursday?)

and, because I also struggle with the fact that I am not really sure how to 

tie the two things I love together (shooting weddings and my blog)

as I feel like they are two different areas of my life in one sense

but...not really...I am proud of what I do in a wedding

but I don't necessarily want to use my blog as a tool for creating more

photography business.  

I want my blog...this blog anyway...to remain a creative outlet for myself...

I am worried that if I am using it for the photo business, I will begin to censor myself.

There are other things I want to do beside photography...

I would like to write...{but I am terrified...that is a different story}

SOOOOO.

if you have stuck with me this far,

my long winded point is that i am going to try to get here more often,

for myself if nothing else...

and that maybe Sundays will become 

Sunday Best

where I can share some of my wedding photography...

and a place where I can look back and see how that is evolving as well.

it's all about moving forward.

one foot in front of the other...

And so...today's Sunday Best :)

There are days like today....

When I feel like my pants
are a little too tight
and that is depressing
until I realize
they are about 3 sizes smaller
than what I have been wearing....

When you realize the afternoon
is not going to unfold
the way you wanted it to
because you have agreed to meet a client
after work
but the meeting
is going to be at your favorite coffee shop
so its all ok.

You still sit by yourself
at lunch
but today
you realize
you like it that way....

Moments

It is sunday afternoon
and I am sitting on my deck
in the sun
still wearing my orange & white
creamsicle pajamas
listening to music
playing from the neighbors yard
and feeling the wind
ruffling through leaves.

A baseball game is being played down the street.

I am not thinner...my hair
is piled up in a messy knot
on top of my head
and the laundry is piling up.
the bills we owe still make me
hyperventilate
and the car needs gas....

but in this moment
I am happy.
I am full of happy.

this moment::

at this moment,
i have made a conscious decision
to put away the housework,
place a hold on the editing,
forget about what my hair looks like
and that my stomach is far too flabby for a bathing suit.

i am going to get in my car
and drive to my favorite beach
and bury my toes in the sand
and maybe read a real book
(not taking the ipad).

i am not going to wear headphones,
i am going to listen to the water
and the seagulls
and the kids laughing and splashing
in the distance.

i will lay on a blanket
and inhale a little bit of a salt water summer day...

i might even dip my toes in the water.

inner excavation::4 questions

morning pages and 4 questions inspired by inner excavation:

who am i?
point blank.
dark haired

avid reader
happily married
wildly in love
mom of two
photographer-on-the-side

happy in my dream day job
diet coke addict

muppet loving
whimsical, amusing, loner
slightly anti-social
yet always smiling
at strangers
cartoon fanatic
oxymoron
weird and wordy...
and ok
with being weird
and wordy.

who or what inspires me?
stories.  scents.  memories.  music.  authors.  Margaret Atwood.  Leonard Cohen.  blogs.  pinterest.  color.  shapes.  lines.  architecture.   writing.  words.  writers.  non-conformists.  movies.  fonts.  advertising.  lyrics.  nature.  imaginative people.  people who are brave; who put themselves out there, who are ok with being themselves, who stand up for other people.  patterns.  artists.

how do you nurture yourself?
music
long drives
walks
yoga

reading
meditation
organization
list making
facials
daydreaming
allowing myself to just sit, to just be.

how did you find your creative voice?
through accidental blogging...
while looking for a mortgage and being frustrated with the system
only to find that there was a whole world of other people out there
that liked the same things that
i like.
a click and a rush...an opening....a gush of possibility
an awareness, an excitement.
bringing me to today.

want to play along...go here for a free read-a-long!

getting caught up

i am catching up...
finding my groove again
with sun shining in the windows
and fresh air in my lungs.

caught up on emails (for today anyway)
a little fearful that i may have bitten off more than i can chew
for this summer...
was planning on capping wedding bookings at
less than 12
but
heh...
am currently at 16 and just had two more requests today....

i just can't say no.

so...we'll see how that plays out.

spring is inside me,
it is in my veins,
it is beating in my heart,
it is thudding at my temples...
it is making me want to
plant and clean and plan and daydream...
it is invigorating me.

and i love it.

sickly...cough, cough, hack, hack.

just getting over 3 weeks of a rotten cold/flu
that snuck up on me
and put me down for the count....
wheezing cough
stuffed up sinuses
incredible cold sweats that left me drenched
and
total
loss
of energy...
no appetite
headache every god-damned day.

but...
the up-side of being sick
is how much you realize
you take feeling good
for granted.

and i am starting to feel better now
and the snow is melting
and the headache is a dull echo
and right now the kids are watching a horror movie
with their dad
all smooshed into one couch
and because i can't watch horror movies
(i can't even listen to them)
i am at the computer with headphones on
and 8tracks blaring
my favorite playlist
getting caught up on email and facebook and pinterest
oh pinterest, how i have missed you...

and i'm happy.
happy to awake and alert at 9 pm
for a change
(even if the kids do try to shush my coughing...heh)

monday morning pages::snippets

a blurb from the writing exercises::
prompt:  flesh

Her hands were getting so old looking.
They were marked with the cracks and creases of someone
who had seen more than their share of time.  And yet, still she remained.

He was gone.  They were gone.  The babies were grown up and 
carried babies of their own.  And yet, still she remained.

Some days, she just sat on the couch in the pale sunlight
and stared at her own two hands.  At the ring he gave her so long ago,
that day that they stood in the tiny whitewashed church up west, neither his nor
her church, but a church that would marry them nonetheless.  
She wore her sister's wedding gown (that wedding would soon fail but no
one would admit that they knew it at the time) and the priest got her name wrong.
They had no money for flowers but for the bluebells he stole from the 
neighbor's yard that morning.  They were still wet with dew when he pressed
them into her hand.

But still, when he called them man and wife, her heart opened like a thousand suns
bursting out of her chest.  She could barely contain herself, constrain herself, restrain herself
from twirling, from dancing, from kissing him harder than hard in the church of someone else's God
now that he was truly, really and deeply, hers.

And now he is gone.

Flesh from flesh, bone from bone.  Memory from memory.  Dustmotes dancing in pale
sunlight and the creases in her hands telling her story after story.  This is how she spent
her days now.

oh...and a new haircut...hello bangs...i have missed you...

 

sunday and i am lost again....

lost again in other people's words
and other people's photos
other people's art
other people's ideas
and why can't i stop
my own brain from whirring like a top
spinning like race car tires
stuck in slush and mediocrity.
and snap into focus
my own god damned life.

what am i doing?

i think i am filling the well
(i tell myself this...i promise it to me)
but really
i think i am procrastinating
i am afraid
i have lost my confidence
i have lost my brave
{before i even owned, i lost it}

so i make myself come to the page
and just write.
don't censor.
don't fear.
just write.
{i fear sometimes that i am losing my voice...
i fear sometimes that when i find it again, i won't even recognize it,
was it ever mine?}

i know if i look back on this blog,
i will see a sad refrain.
full of can i?  can i?
where is the i can.
but instead i whimper and sigh
and feel i don't have enough time
but really, i have all the time in the world
what i am lacking
is
beleif
in
myself.

musing on monday

morning pages:  a blurb from january 2013

morning pages at 8 pm on a saturday night
when i feel like i should be having a shower
or lighting a candle or meditating
or folding clothes
and my sweater is too big
and my slippers are too hot and did i just hear the disc that i am burning
pop out and oh...
i'm thirsty, maybe i should have made tea
maybe i could still make tea.
and have a shower
and fold those clothes.
why is it so hard for me to sit at this desk?  why can't i focus?
all day i am racing around to get the house clean
so that i can have this time to myself
and then
i don't know what to do
with myself.
i don't know where to start.
start with just starting.
start with just starting.

happy heart day...

i have mixed feelings
about valentine's day.

on one hand...i don't really care.
it's a fun idea,
it's all right as long as you don't set yourself up for disappointment
with big expectations...

on another hand,
it grates on my nerves...
how does it end up making so many people feel rotten about themselves,
what kind of a "love" day is that...
it's competitive...
facebook is full of flowers and gifts and
hegavemeiboughthimhesentmearen'tweallsoamazingandloved
and so many other people not posting
wondering why aren't i loved
like that.

it's too up and down.
why am i comparing myself, my relationship
to anyone else's.
i am happy.
he is happy.
18-almost-19 years worth of happy
what more do i need?

the fact that he took 13 out this morning and
bought him sneakers cause his were soaked
and got him a haircut...
the way he warms up my side of the bed for me...
the time he spent listening to my vents and rants tonight
AND watched dr phil with me...

those are the things that matter in the end.

not the things that the media and the laws of consumerism say
we should buy to "prove" that we love each other.

{this is totally not the post i planned on writing when i sat down here
but it's what came out and i'm sticking to it.}

happy heart day!
<3 br="">

bite sized baby step decisions...

i'm trying to make a decision.

and it is weighing on me...heavily.

it has occurred to me a number of times
over the past couple of days
that i need to make a decision about this.

soon.

it's not really that it is a big deal...to anyone except me.
chances are...no one else would even really notice....

but i would.

i have kept this blog for almost 8 years.
and, although, it is not a secret blog (i post photos of myself on it)
i don't usually offer it up to people that know me...
i don't link to it on facebook,
i don't use my name in it,
i call my kids by their ages not their names.
i have always liked that little bit of anonymity.
i know there are people i know that have found it
and at first, that was a little disconcerting for me...
but the truth is
i don't put anything on here that might get me in trouble...
i don't rant and rave, i don't talk badly about family or work...
really...i'm pretty narcissistic on here...
it's all about me.
:)

but the truth is
it has occurred to me
that if i am so hung up about people reading my writing
then
how am i ever going to write anything for others to read.
is this a block that is going to hold me back
or HAS been holding me back?
and why do i feel so physically sick about it.
i think that because it feels irrevocable to me...
once done, it can't be undone
at least...not with this blog...i mean...sure...
i could start a new one somewhere and
start all over again...
but i don't really want to do that...

and a part of it comes back to that old
"i don't want to be the weird kid" feeling.
it's funny how long you hold onto things like that.

i'm conflicted.
so for the time being...maybe i can take baby steps.
maybe i can be ok with my photography blog
linking to my personal blog
(which is really what started all this in the first place...)
(that and whether or not to link to it on Pinterest....)

and i realize as i look for labels to attach to this post
that my word for the year is
brave
after all...
and that kind of hits me hard.
and makes me nod.
and think that maybe it really is time to take that step.

anyway...
if all my gut-twisting issues stay this small and insignificant,
i will be grateful...
thanks for sitting through this
:)

a moment on a monday

i stand here
with palms upturned
face toward the sky
and heart cracked wide open
waiting.
i stand here with my back ramrod straight
against the wall,
i stand here on the teetery-tottery ledge.
i stand here with precision and decision.
i stand here with possibility
 and poised to jump
    or fly.
i stand here.

Inner Excavation prompt...

you can get the book here.

making a decision...

it is no secret
that i adore
liz lamoreux
{with almost stalker-like proportions of adoration...but anyway.}
when looking for a word for 2013
she suggested the prompt of "2013 was the year I..."
which i did
and this is a bit of what i found::

~2013 was the year that i wrote.  it was the year that i published at least one thing.  it was the year that i committed to writing.  that i took it seriously.  that i admitted out loud that i am writer--regardless of proportion.  it was the year that i really tried.  it was the year that i stopped stalling.

~2013 was the year that i felt best about myself.  that i stopped hiding behind pajama pants and baggy shirts.  that i committed to eating better.  to using the gym membership and being ok with looking out of place and feeling uncomfortable in the gym.

~2013 was the i lived with intention regarding my family...that i listened and really heard...that i made time...that i remembered how quickly things can change.  it was the year i let go of preconceived expectations and just loved them for them...not the school's opinion, the public's opinion, other family members' opinions--just for who i know them to be.

~2013 was the year i pushed myself to be more social, the year i pushed myself out of my hermit hole.

~2013 was the year we addressed our money issues head on and stopped hiding our heads in the sand.

~2013 was the year we seriously considered what would be necessary to make our dream of living in the country come true.

~2013 was the year that i dressed like me again.

~2013 was the year that i did an art show at a new venue.

and in the end, it became apparent that brave would work for me...
which had been in the back of my mind but this list really helped confirm it for me.
it just feels right.

here.

i am trying to ground myself this morning
on a dark, rainy saturday
where the house is messy
and the dishes are cluttered and undone.
bagpipe christmas music playing
to try to calm my fraying nerves.
last minute editing knowing that i won't have time later
as my boy is in the Christmas parade 45 minutes away
and we try to shop for Christmas
but my heart just isn't in it yet.

i feel like there is too much going
so many loose ends flapping around in the wind...
weddings not done yet,
money coming in but never enough...
i feel like everything is blowing around
and
i can't
catch it
all
and hold it
at once...
i grasp bits and pieces
but enough
to make the picture whole
for more than a moment or two.

i won that spot in the photography course
but can't even find time to read the information
much less get near my camera.

i'm running on empty.

hyperventilating and trying to remind myself to calm the fuck down.

things are getting better, things are getting better, things are getting better...
but sometimes i think maybe that is the irony in it all,
things are getting better and then i start worrying about the things that are
no longer in my control...S can drive now, i should be happy
but i worry about him out on his own, what if someone comes too close
and hits his cane, his leg is still so fragile and unstable...
i worry and i worry and i worry.

i need to let go.
chill out.
calm down.

it will all come together.  you just had a busy week and now things have fallen behind.
when the house is cluttered, you get stressed...that is all that this is.

wow.
this is not what i meant to write here today.
but part of me thinks that if i don't start just coming here
and writing...it will never happen.
and i feel better now.
:)

small stolen moments

this morning i am:
sleepy-eyed and hair standing on end
sitting in a winnie the pooh bathrobe
by the light of the computer
tapping tapping tapping
morse code the only way i know how
random thoughts and fluttering wings
no lunches made
not ready for the day to begin.

trying to find my way back to me.

getting back in the groove

i am trying to get back here.
i think about it at least once a day
but with a full time job
and over 14000 wedding photos in the editing queue...
dr appointments up the yingyang
a house that needs cleaning
kitty litter that needs emptying
a partial marathon to start training for
and two kids to spend time with
things
are
stretched
pretty
thin...

so i am going to try to ease back in
with a picture here
and there
and maybe
a smattering of words.

that is my plan.

what i know right now

at this very moment
at this spotlight second
of time and space
and silent coursing energy
pulsing in my veins
is that i am happy.

i am truly effing amazingly full-to-the-brim
happy.

there was an article about me
in a local paper yesterday
and the response was mindblowing...
i was happy because i was able to
talk about my mom and dad in the article,
i was able to tell the story about my dad's windmill
and about how it was because of my parents
that my brothers and i
are ok
with being different.
it's ok.
in fact,
it's awesome.

and the fact that my husband
texted me
first thing in the morning
and told me that he
had to bite back tears as he read it
because he was so
proud
of me...
that was the best part of the day.

it is scary
putting yourself out there.
{thoughts of who do you think you are
what is so special about what you do...
in fact, anyone can do what you do...run
rampant through your head}
but i am happy that i gave myself that push
and tried the paintings this time,
talked about the possibility {and the real fear}i have of
wanting to write someday...
i'm glad i pushed a little.

and i don't know if it's the warm weather or the fact that i'm feeling better
or the raging happiness
but something is driving me to get out there again
with the camera...it's been a long time since i have felt like this...
to get out and take pictures just-for-the-sake-of-taking-pictures again.

and i like it.

silent sunday mornings

i have come to the conclusion
that sleeping in
on the weekend
gives me a headache.

so
here i am
sunday morning
and the sky is still dark and gray
the house sleeps
while the cat
pitter pats beside me
curious and quiet.

my head is filled with
chocolate brown boots and legwarmers over skinny jeans,
red orange and yellow leaves,
wishing i had a french vanilla cappucino,
listening to the nature station
and thinking about liz elayne's words
regarding
creating space
and looking for ways to be present in one's own life....
and they resonate with me
this desire to be present,
to notice, to breathe, to accept...
to
slow
down.

i think i will make it a priority this week.

musings

sunday night
and i sit in the dim light of the computer screen
and wonder
what brings me here today...
why today
instead of yesterday
or the day before
or tomorrow even.

but today.

i went to writers workshop this morning
and left feeling
well
not as sure of myself anymore.
i left feeling vulnerable
and raw and irritable and
well...
a little broken inside.

i'm not sure what happened,
why this all came bubbling out like battery acid
but it did.
and i'm still feeling the slight but shaken after effects
leaving me angry and cold.

the girl giving the workshop was amazing,
don't get me wrong.  it had nothing at all to do with the workshop
or the people in it or the material or the location...
it was me.

it was all me.

wondering why i do this.
why i put myself out there...
what am i looking for...what do i hope to acheive.

wondering
if i want to write,
then why don't i just
write.

what am i scared of.