5 moments of truth...

one.
i loved loved loved loved the poetry readings last week.
and no...i didn't read even though i carried a crumply folded up
into a square typed up poem in my pocket...it was far too soon.
but i am so glad that i went...it was inspiring and energizing and
and it made me realize that i don't always have to write the same
way...i might have some other styles i would like to try.

two.
i pushed myself out of my comfort zone besides just by going
to the readings....i talked to people, too.

three.
i forgot how much i like dragonlance books...especially by
these authors...

four.
i really really really want {and need} a snow day tomorrow...

five.
it's only 8:42...but i'm ready for bed.

day twenty-four...in which i admit...

5 truths...

i have not had time to do the 100 ideas.
and i'm cutting myself some slack on this....
i started a government program to help
me start my new business and have been
in class all day for the past two days
and when i'm home, i'm trying to get photos
edited for people who are waiting patiently...
so the 100 ideas will be done
just not in a 100 days.

i'm getting sick of mike and ikes.

i hate charmin commericials.
it's those bears wiping themselves.
it. grosses. me. out.

i would love to open a christmas present
this year and find a smurf mushroom house
(i saw them at walmart and fell in deep serious love.)

i'm scared about starting the photography
business
"for real"...
up until now...it didn't feel real...it felt like fun
and play and for now...but business plans and
market surveys and cash flow sheets kind of
suck the fun out of that....
but i'm trying to remember this is just a stage
of it...and then...it will be fun again...

5 truths on a tuesday...

~i am struggling a little the last couple of weeks.
i have been sick...nothing serious but something
that definitely didn't make me happy...plus
headaches and fatigue...and feeling down...about me...
worried about some serious relationship stuff...
worried about a very close family member who i just
don't know how to help...sometimes i think i should
just let go...i can't fix everything...i can't control it,
i can't be with them 24 hours a day...i can't make
them feel the way i want them to feel...sometimes
i just feel so overwhelmed by it all...by the worry
and the decisions and the responsibility and the
choices and the lack of control and the way it is
constantly like this lately...i guess maybe my kids
are just hitting turbulent ages emotionally...but
i think i have to learn to let go some...
but what is the balance? where is the line between
letting go and disconnecting.

~i don't have 5 truths. i only have that one.
all of everything balled up in one jumbled paragraph
of poor grammar and run on sentences and truth.
somedays, i feel like i am just treading water...
just trying to keep from drowning...
to keep from going under.

~i guess i have one other. no one else knows this.
no one else knows that i am feeling like this right now.
i have this side of me that refuses to let myself
talk about stuff like this out loud...i just can't.
i can't form the words.
i can write them...i can type them...but i can't
admit them out loud. that things are not always
great. that sometimes, things really suck.
{but never out loud. }

tuesday truths...

~i feel bloated, hot, a little cranky, don't feel like
leaving the house but have to, really just want to
go back to bed...

~my heart broke last night as i read this post...
{which makes me mad at myself for feeling the above...}

~i have blisters on my hands from mowing the lawn.

~i am nervous about the wedding
i am shooting this weekend.

~i think everyone should read this book.

tuesday truth

and there is only one.

sometimes i feel lonely
even when i am not by myself,
when i am standing amidst a group
of people,
the chatter, the din, the racket and
ruckus silences me
makes me feel small
and of no consequence.

so i shrink further back
into my shell...pulling my legs
and arms back in
before anyone could have
even noticed they were out...

closing my eyes, imagining myself
anywhere else
but here
amongst friends
and sometimes family...

sometimes i am just lonely.
overwhelmingly
surprisingly
quietly
awkwardly
tiredly
full of emptiness.

5 truths on a friday morning...

~i am happy today.
today i am happy.
there are dirty dishes lining the cupboard
and laundry that should be
out on the line...
one kid still in bed
and the other watching mindless tv
eating waffles with no shirt on
and yet, i am happy...
tonight i will take pictures for a
freelance job, spend time with
friends i haven't seen for too long of a
time and possibly be hungover in the
morning...
but i'm happy right now...
at this very moment.

~i feel a change coming on...
i love blogger, i do...
but i feel like i might be ready
for a change...
it's been over 4 years now...
i don't know.

~i have felt the urge to express
myself more in words lately...
not that i don't want to in photos
but i think i relied heavily on photos
for quite a while...
and my words felt sparse and
when i did try to write...i felt
like i was forcing them...and they
came out sounding strained
and unfamiliar.

~i am reading diana gabaldon's series
right now...i am on the second one...
and not sure that i am loving them
but know that now that i have started them,
i will eventually finish them...
i am that kind of girl.

~i have been watching episodes of
laverne and shirley...facts of life...
happy days...and i love this...i could
care less if i ever watched "new" tv
again if i could watch old tv all the
time...{and i remember all the
words to the theme songs...which
also makes me insanely happy}

tuesday truths...{nablopomo day 18}

~i'm struggling to find things to say today...

~i have started decorating for christmas...is it to early
to play christmas music?

~i have eaten almost a whole box of after eights.

~i don't feel like going to work today.

~i feel like i am falling behind in my life,
no matter how much i scurry to catch up.

5 truths...mixed with some knitting {nablopomo day 4}

~i suspect that bananas are giving me headaches...
has anyone else ran into this? since i started the
weight loss thing, i was eating 2 bananas a day
and started getting headaches every 2nd day...
i looked it up and it said there is a chemical in bananas
that is also in alcohol and when i drink {which is rarely}
i always get a major headache the next day...hmmmmm
{and i'm not dehydrated, everyone always says that,
but i'm not...or defensive either} heehee

~i secretly don't care that much about the weight loss...
i mean i do, but...i just have more important things
to do than spend hours worrying about whether or
not my exercise is going to counterbalance my calories...
i can't {and don't want to} live like that...i still want to
eat healthy/get exercise but i don't want to be
annoying myself {and family} by becoming fanatical.

~i am nervous about 9's upcoming camping trip with cubs...
i think because i project so much of myself onto my kids,
of what i was at that age...and i would never make it
through a two night winter camping trip, that i just
can't get past the fact that he might...he just might,
if only i could force myself to believe in him...
and let go a little...but it's hard...the letting go.

~i realize i need to get up earlier.

~i want so much to happen in my life...
that sometimes i feel maybe i am a little crazy...
other people seem content..why do i feel like
a whirlwind of planning, listing, pushing, learning,
wanting/needing to know more...
but at the same time...heh...i like me....
just like i am...

5 truths...

~i love my kids...but i hate planning birthday parties...
i'm not sure why and it really seems to be uncharacteristic of me
but i can't help it...i just feel this sense of impending dread until
the party is over. it may be the major procrastinator in me.
i don't like deadlines.

~i'm not sure about my new haircut.

~i miss being the age where i didn't care what i wore
or how my hair was or how i was perceived...i was
the most confident then...but from what i hear,
maybe the forties will bring that back for me. i am
trying to bring it back a little bit myself, trying to
push myself a bit with an edgier haircut, a shorter skirt
than i have been wearing, a new pair of boots.

~i missed this girl.

~i watched the coal miner's daughter last night.
i stayed up until 3 am to see the end. and i am
such a sucker for that kinda twangy honky tonk
country that it is kinda sad {if you were to ask
my kids, that is}

5 truths...

~i feel as though i am on fire lately...
there are just so many things that i
want
to be doing that i feel that my body
can't keep up with my mind.

~i'm glad yesterday's physical is over...
for another year.

~i am a little frustrated with the
stalled weight loss...
i am eating better than i ever have
and exercising but the needle is
just not budging.

~i feel like i have fallen in love
with my husband of ten years
all over again...i think that weekend
away was a huge stimulus...
{in many ways, heehee}

~i am scared about the photo show.
i am scared about the wedding.
{and it is hard for me to admit that...}

5 truths...

i bought a short skirt.
much shorter than what i would normally
wear...
and i like it.

i don't want to go back to work today.

i am discouraged about not losing any weight
this past week...
but not discouraged enough to give up.

i am getting a small headache.

i ate all the strawberries
before
anyone else
could have one.