my boy with the big brown eyes...

my sister in law left yesterday
after having spent the night with us...
she is heading across canada with her 2 baby twins...
she was just home for a quick visit.

9 is heartbroken...gut wrenchingly heartbroken.
and there is nothing i can do to make it better.

he had to come home from school
because he was so upset....he emailed her this...
this is {9} Hi MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!
and then this...{in which his plaintive sadness makes me
want to cry every time i read it.}
????why did you not replay from my last message??plese say hi to every one wendi i love you

i feel so tender and bruised when i think of him
being this sad...and that there is nothing i can do
but be here for him and hug him and hold him...
and write this to his aunt, so she has a bit of a
heads up as to what he is thinking...

hi wendi... not sure when you will get this,
i know you guys are pretty busy with the move and all
hopefully everything is going all right...

i just wanted to let you know ahead of time
that you have left behind one heartbroken little boy...
he cried countless times last night... especially at bed time...
after you left, he sat on the chair and sighed
and said "this sucks...everything reminds me of the babies...
that reflection on the ceiling, cause they loved looking at that...
that chair...cause that's where a. sat before he left...
even the tv, cause m. watches tv!"

at bedtime, i laid down beside him
and he cried saying that he couldn't read his book
because he read it to you...
he couldn't decide what he missed most about you
but then decided it was your jokes...he said you were pretty funny.
he asked me what i missed most about you.
he was mad that you couldn't just live here...
he thought that if you would just ask the old man who lives next door
if you could live in his house, the old man would probably say yes
and then he could see you every day...

he does not want to cross the bridge to visit you but might...
if that is the only way...

when i told him the hurt would be a little less every day,
he said "no...the last time she left, it took me like two weeks to get over it"

it started off that it was the babies
he was missing and remembering but last night, it was all about you...
the light you gave him,
how you looked at the nightlight with him
(he goes out and turns on the night light every now and then and does a big sigh...),
his book, the pool (because he said you loved to swim...)....

loving someone can be so hard.
that is a difficult lesson to learn.
{or to watch somebody you love learn...}

birthday boy...

nine years ago today.
how can that be?
i still find it hard to leave you...
i am always reminded of you
standing at the baby gate
with those heartbreaking big brown eyes
babbling "hababubuh buh?"
when i would be leaving for work
and it would take every ounce of
resistance in me
not to turn around
and come back
and pick you up
and breathe you in.

you are my cuddler,
my worrier,
my thoughtful and concerned.
you make me giggle out loud,
you are my bighead,
my boy,
my baby still, even at nine.

whirlwinds...

i have been quiet this week...
i have been blindsided by the busy-ness
that is "back to school"
checking out cubs for 8,
attending parent info nights at 2 different schools,
packing lunches and checking schedules.

i realize i didn't even post my usual
"first day of school" photos
but here they are...
and when i went back and looked at
last year's,
i could have cried for the subtle differences
a year can make.

what i did on my fifth day of vacation {thursday}

went to the boardwalk and

fooled around

being silly...

admired the

view...

bought all day suckers...

watched 8 sweetly try to move 12's hair back for her
away from her sucker

sigh...
i heart vacation.
i could do this full-time.

what i did on my fourth day of vacation {wednesday}

mowed the lawn,
watered the garden,

made potato salad and ham for supper,
did the laundry,
went to the sprinklers...

took lots of pictures...
went to sidewalk sale...
bounced...

what i did on my first day of summer vacation {sunday}

went to the boardwalk...

saw a moose

rode a zebra...

played a game...

my boys...

stopped by at the beach..

made hills for an ant to try to climb up...
and marvelled at how fast his legs move...

found dinosaur bones...

made plans to take over the world.


can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

so sad...

eight had a bad dream last night...
"a sad dream" by his account.

he laid beside me on the couch
and told me that in his dream,
twelve was crying
and he asked me why she was crying.

he said i told him that it just because
i had low blood sugar
but that he knew in the dream that
i was just saying that,
so he wouldn't be scared.

and then i "randomly fell out of the sky
and hit my car" and he asked if i was dead
and i said yes...
and that he was crying in the dream
and when he woke up, he was crying for real
in his bed

and it broke my heart
to hear him tell that dream,
so earnest, so serious, so sad...
and it makes you aware of how badly
you want to protect them
not only from danger and hurt and bad choices
but from sadness
and upset
and grief...
even in dreams.

setback but back on track

it feels as though i have been gone
for ages
when really it has only been days.

i am back now
but i feel a little out of my loop,
off my track,
loose and wobbly
my wheels spinning in every other direction
except poetry...
i am thinking bathroom renovation,
garden planting, landscaping,
paint scraping, recipe making...

i am going to push myself to get back
on the poetry track and finish out the month
but not sure if it will happen or not...

and eight is totally better...
back to school and to playing outside
and to being his usual goofy, sweet self...
thank you for all the sweet comments left...
it means a lot.
xo

thursday already.

the poems are taking a backseat...
as is the knitting,
the card making,
the blog reading...the blog writing.
picture taking,
flickr surfing,
all of that is waiting...

eight fell off the bike rack
at school and bumped his head
and apparently has a second grade
concussion...has been listless and
sick ever since...
i really just don't know what to do with myself...
i am wandering around
worrying about him...
wondering if i am doing enough,
should i be doing more...
can i be doing more?
is this something that just has to
run it's course as the doctor said
or should i take him in again...
gah...

it is painful to watch him so
sleepy and sad
and not himself.

no poem today...

instead
an impromptu
visit to the emergency room
with concussions
and ice packs
and promises of popsicles
coupled with fear
and fake bravado
when the triage nurse
bumps you up in place
so that you are in next...
{up until that point you had rested assured
that your fears would be
found
unfounded}
and therefore, you became
ungrounded
but remained with both feet on the floor
for him.

post-a-poem, april four

you bring me
stories of school age casualties
bearing badges of bright
new friendships made
enemy territory invaded
and evaded
battles won and lost
in a twenty minute recess
backs patted in a game well played

i sit and take in
your eager smile
and earnest tears
you encompass all of my love
i force your exuberance
to drive away my fears

and you let me
with a smile and a grin...

5 really good things on a wednesday...

-after a week of relaxed rock band playing,
easter egg hunting, full days spent in pajamas,
breakfast at noon if you so choose, march break
fun and excitement for the kids...
we are back to our normal routine.
as much i love the break,
i am a sucker for organization and timeframes.
i work better in those conditions.

-longer days...sunshine...still cold...but brighter.

-eight pausing the rock band game so that i would
be sure to give him a kiss good-bye...

-knowing we just barely squeaked by in getting our
leonard cohen tickets....there were only about 12
seats left when i finally got through by phone...

-and this...this l'il bit of sweetness sent to me by the
adorable and oh-so-talented marianne of applehead.
i LOVE it...really and truly...marianne...you should
be writing and illustrating books....your characters
have so much to say just in their facial expressions!
i especially love the sock on the head page...
thank you for thinking of me!

my inspiration....

scour the archive meme...

the sweet and sassy vanessa
of rising to the challenge
tagged me for a meme...
and it looks like an interesting way to look
back at my archives
so
here goes:

Here are the rules and responses:

Go back through your archives and link to your five favourite posts.

-link one: about your family....{i messed with this a bit...one for each family member}
-link two: about friends
-link three: about yourself
-link four: about something you love
-link five: your choice

Tag five other people {two should be those you’d like to get know better}:
the addictive saltwater princess
the adorable ihanna
the sugar-sweet leonie
the brilliantly bright and shiny frankie
the talented uber-cute daisies {however, i know this might be a
hard one for her because she has a new blog so...}

no obligations, no pressure...just if ya wanna!

out of the mouth of eight...

"Hitler started war but not just Hitler...Hitler started war
but Bush started war, too."

this out of nowhere from a canadian kid whose parents do
not watch any news while the kids are up
{mainly because their mom is certified wimp
who was almost hospitalized in grade six
over the falkland islands thing
and was told then that she was no longer allowed
to watch the news
and has continued on in that fashion...
but i digress}

and tonight, when i scared him by coming out of a room
he thought was empty...
"ahhhh...you scared me...i shut that door...and then it opened
and i thought, it must be a really smart gorilla or it must be mom."

i mean really...where did the gorilla come from?
and a really smart one at that?

he cracks me up.

5 really good things on a wednesday...

found hearts

the gradual disappearance of the killer headache
i woke up with this morning
(and even worse, i dreamed i had a headache all night)

the creativity and imagination of kids

blue sky...finally...blue sky

rock band...
my kids loved it...
and twelve rocks at paranoid by garbage...
{in her mom's opinion anyhow}

now...go see the inspiration for 5 really good things
she's a really good thing all on her own.

5 really good things on a wednesday...

- eight feeling better after having to be
taken to hospital at 2 am
for an earache...so sad to see him hurting
and scared...
but he is starting to feel better now.

-having a husband that can fix the impromptu
surprise!
leak in the bathroom that ruined the ceiling
in the living room below it
(without even cursing...a whole lot...)

-changing my "area" around to make it a little
more functionable...
and then having some free time
to actually spend in my "area"

-warm apple crisp with vanilla ice cream

-ham with maple and brown sugar glaze

stop by here and tell her your five...
i bet she has some cupcakes!
if not, i know she will offer you tea...