Day 3 Vice-Busting

January 31, 2013
Day 3 Vice-Busting

Scripture Affirmation
God’s power enables me to live a healthy lifestyle.
"For the kingdom of God does not consist in words but in power." 1 Corinthians 4:20

This is such a great affirmation for me. I am a lover of words. Not hard to tell from my lengthy blog posts. But, the kingdom of God does not consist in words, but power. So often my words fill up my page and my mouth but they do not affect my actions. Lord, your power will change me, not my words. Your power enables me to live, do, act, go, consistently and strong, not the words I yammer. Let me meditate on the power you offer and work through me, knowing that merely talking about it will not avail.

Action:
1. Continue to build the habit of having water with you and drinking it often. Got my first bottle at my side. :)
2. Start creating a vision of things to come - not just how I'll look but what I'll do and how I'll feel. Picture myself doing what it is I would do or would lke to do, whom I'll be doing it with, and where I'll be doing it. I have a lot of things I visualize. I've spent a lot of time visualizing, even.  I dream of playing sports with my family. I would love to join in some vigorouse games of basketball, tennis, and soccer with my boys. I would so love to be able to handle a long bike ride with the whole family, strong enough to tote little ones with my own bike. I dream of great hikes to various points together. I just want to be able to run and play a simple game of tag with my children without a struggle.

I see myself sharing clothes with my oldest daughter. Enjoying our shopping trips much more when we are same sized and I like what I see in the mirror. I visualize more confidence when I meet my husband's co-workers at company events.

I crave and see myself accomplishing more in my day. Strong and able to take on the daily tasks of maintaining the housework and yard chores. Eager and able to add more to my day rather than handing it off to other. Strong and able to work beside my husband on various projects. Cheerful and excited to put for the physical effort to use up all that great extra energy that I gain. :)

3. Take inventory and throw out the high-calories beverages in the house. We really have not beverages like this. We do stock up on vitamin water, but that is sweetened with stevia, so no high calories. I often have diet soda in the house, but now that we are out, I won't be buying more. The juice we have I don't drink and there's really only enough for the children or special events.  I will still buy the low sugar, natural coffee creamer for a treat in my coffee from time to time. A reward for getting ALL My water in at the end of the day. :)

Half-Caf today!

Weigh-in:  208.5 tonight at the YMCA. Bummer. I'm not sure why the scale went up. I've been working hard. But, the scale is not the only tool of measurement, that's for sure. Enjoyed my first full circuit on the weight machines by myself and some cardio on the Stride Right.  Went with my oldest son and we had a fun time out alone together.

Face It

There is one thought that has been running through my mind every time I consider weight loss and working for change in my physical health.  I ask myself often, what is the physical feature you most want to change about your body? I always land on the same answer: My face. Of all the things I hope will change and and slim and strengthen...my face is the one thing I long to see change the most. I look at myself and think...Who is that person??? Well, I do that at any photo. But, really, it's my face that bothers me. I don't recognize myself anymore. I certainly don't FEEL like I look in a photo. I'm not saying I see ugliness when I look at myself. I don't. I see the years have brought much joy and I am blessed. But, I know my body looks swollen and heavy and my face is where *I* see it best.

So, I've wanted to post a photo for a long while showing how much my face has changed. Only, it hasn't much since I started using this blog. I'm going to just post me as of now (or back in December when this was taken) and look forward to posting another updated photo with noticeable change in the very near future. :)

January 30, 2013 - Exercise Update

Got in my orientation on the weight machines last night. What fun! I forgot how much I enjoyed using those.  I liked going through it with the trainer, as I was able to understand the purpose of the exercises and get my weight ranges set right.  I am excited to use them again and kinda bummed I need to let my body rest from them tonight since I did a full set last night. :-/

I've been getting in 20 minutes of cardio on the machines 3 times a week on average. I'll admit, it's pretty boring and I have a really hard time pushing myself to do it. Probably if I had a better distraction while I'm on it, I would do better. Last night I used the ARC which is a sort of cross between a nordic track machine and an elliptical. I was feeling strong, I guess, because I was really coasting along for a bit there. Didn't burn a ton of calories, but I felt like I was pushing myself a bit more than usual.

I'm not sure if I'm sad or happy about what I'm doing cardio-wise. I've been so sedentary for so long, I'm not surprised that so little can wear me out. I'm actually happy that I can even plug along the 20 minutes I can do and that I could lift the weights I did last night. At the same time, I'm sad because I know I had worked so hard to get stronger and all that is gone. Sigh. What's gone IS gone, though and beginning again will have the same great feelings of victory and satisfaction as they did before. Hopefully so much so that I won't let myself lose what I gain this time.

Weigh-in tonight. I'm really excited about seeing the scale even though I shouldn't be focused so hard on those numbers. I guess it's the measure of progress and I hope I see some. I'll update here when I get home.

Update:  Weigh-in rescheduled for tomorrow night. Tried the wii and it has me down 4.6lbs from 2 weeks ago. Not terribly reliable, though, as I had just put in new batteries and I was wearing some different clothes. BUT...it was going DOWN and that's the right direction. :)

Day 2 - Vice Busting

January 29 - Day 2

Scripture Affirmation:

The God of hope fills me with joy and peace as I trust in Him.
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13


Action: Build the habit of having water with you at all time. Determine the amount of water your body needs.

Body weight / 2 = targeted ounces of water per day.

For me, 104oz.

Build the habit of physically serving my husband in a special way. Determine the amount of time I will give to the nightly neck-rub.  15 minutes of focused time. (no baby, computer, tv, reading)

Afternoon Entry:

I didn't read this until now and I should have read it this morning. I got busy with choring and did not have my water bottle with me until almost lunch time. I came downstairs hunting for it and I WAS THIRSTY! I got 20oz down in a flash and have been drinking like that ever since. My body is really craving the water now that it's getting it. I'm at 80oz already today. I had a couple of cups of caffeinated coffee this morning, so I want to be sure to get in a couple extra bottles (20oz) of water, too.

The affirmation above is filled with words that swell my heart. Hope, peace, trust, completely, joy, confident, overflow, power.  These are all words I crave in my life...just like my body is craving this water. I can't get enough of the fact that the Lord holds out HOPE to me in the midst of so many areas in my life that feel like struggles. He offers me peace in the midst of the crazy chaos in my days right now. He calls me to TRUST HIM instead of relying on myself and my own foolish coping hangups. He promises me JOY and PEACE when I simply trust HIM instead of myself. He tells me I will OVERFLOW with CONFIDENT hope and He will show POWER in my life! Oh, how I am desparate to overflow with His goodness rather than my own fears and weaknesses. My God is a God of HOPE and He FILLS me...ME...with His joy and peace as I keep moving forward....trusting HIM.

Evening Entry:
160oz water, less 40 to account for 2 cups of caffeine. :)

Day 1: Vice-Busting

January 29, 2013

Day 1

Add Water: My first action - one that will develop into a healthy habit and will change my life dramatically over time is making water an important part of my everyday life.

Substituting water for high-calorie liquids will result in lower calories, adequate hydration, optimal body functions, and better focusing. I'll replace toxins with clean fluids, sluggishness with more engery, expensive drinks with free water. My time buying these drinks will be better spent elsewhere.

Daily Scripture Affirmation:
God’s unfailing love for me never ends. 
"The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease." Lamentations 3:22

I NEED to hear words affirming the Lord's love for me right now. I am struggling so much with my emotions of failure and inadequacy. I daily battle thoughts that I am not good enough, my anger has made me unacceptable and unlovable. When I am hurting, when I am feeling this way, I don't even think. I just reach for a food that makes me feel safe or happy, or in control. I choose foods that I have already determined to avoid simply because it feels good to have that control over *something* when everything else is out of control. When I feel unloved....when I feel I am unacceptable...I don't care if I'm hurting myself. I'm already unloved, so why does it matter? Lord, your unfailing love for me never ends. Even when I'm hurt, even when I've hurt another, even when I sin the same sin I just sinned....your love never ends and your mercies never cease. Help me be loved by you rather than myself.  

I don't have many issues with high-calorie drinks. I've actually grown to the point where I really detest drinking calories, so this isn't an obvious vice for me. However, there are beverages I prefer over water, so I've most definitely grown slack in my diligence to feed my body well. I've chosen to fill up on decaf, and now, caffeinated coffee to push myself through my sleep-deprived days. I used to have a rule of 2 glasses of water for every cup of coffee, but I've also become lazy with following that rule. Starting again with a simple challenge of adding water to my day is actually helpful. It seems too easy and I feel like a horse restless to begin a race, but knowing that I'm doing just one simple thing differently and that it will make a positive difference...well, that feels pretty good. I can't do many big things right now, so one small thing that I can actually manage to include in my little bit overwhelmed life is a great motivator.

I am armed with my 20 oz water bottle. I've drunk one so far today as well as an 8oz glass of water at breakfast. I also had at least 2 cups of caffeinated coffee at breakfast.  I'm feeling good about my progress and looking forward to my cup of decaf coffee this afternoon. :)  However, I'm considering the idea that each cup of caffeine subtracts 20 oz of water so I make sure to get enough in.

Afternoon Entry:

I wanted to choose a simple thing to do to work on some marriage changes I'm learning about and record that each day. I've been challenged in my reading of the story of the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and her hair. What physical ways am I pouring myself out of serve my husband? What physical needs does he have that I can meet? Right now, the thing I keep coming back to is a neck rub after a long day of sitting at a desk, staring at a computer screen. Something that would enable him to relax and unwind as well as release some tension. I'm going to attempt to make that a part of my daily add-on while I work on this vice-busting.

Evening Entry:

Got in 100oz of water today plus 2 cups of caf and a pot of decaf coffee.
20 min cardio and 1 full circuit on the weight machines tonight as orientation. I'm not as wimpy as I thought I was. ;)
Enjoyed some birthday cake this evening but WOW! way too much sugar for me.
I want to finish tracking my food for the day but I don't have the patience to enter the recipes in. Thinking I'm under today with the workout.

I feel great. On the wat there I was a stressed out, talking a mile-a-minute mess. On the way home I was calm, tired, but relaxed. Like the stress had melted away. Boy, did I need that.

Got in a short neck massage for my husband tonight too.

The Vice-Busting Diet

Reading a new book The Vice-Busting Diet by Julia Griggs Havey

Introduction:

"Deprivation is not living without certain foods but living with them and being depreived of your true health and happiness."

"I simply looked at my life and decided to change one negative habit (sin) at a time. I didn't do anything too drastic and I didn't do anything that I couldn't stick with for the rest of my life. And I gave up the fairy tale that simply losing weight would solve all my problems and give me everything I wanted. Instead, I focused on taking steps to do what I could do today--because today, right now, was (and is) all we have."

Definition of a Diet Vice: any habitual action that is keeping you from reaching and maintaing a healthy weight. (i.e., specific foods, portions, activity choices)

Chapter 3:

"For any of your goals to become a reality, you must focus on all the benefits of beign fit and living a healthy lifestyle before you begin to take action. Doing so on a regular basis will provide more strength, motivation, and desire to succeed."

"When you take the time to do one thing at a time, you will improve the quality of each task.  You can achieve a major goal by looking at the smallest achievable goals that you can accomplish."

"Actions are the daily tasks you can complete while workign toward your ultimate goal. You can't change your weight today without first changing what you do."

"You may think the scale is a way to keep score--it's not! Okay, it may be a way to note your progress, but it is the least important way. If the scale were the best way to keep track of your progress, you could fool everyone and use unhealthy and dangerous ways to lose weight."

"Think about only working on developing positive habits. And there are two parts to that: positive, which means it must be healthy; and habits, which means you want your actions to become permanent."

"Putting your focus on only your actions, not your weight, and only on one action at a time is one of the aspects of this program that differentiates it from any other diet plan."

"The key to getting over the hump is persistence and patience. You can't speed up time, and you also must be persistent with your intial actions. That means not letting excuses get in the way of doing what you need to do."

"The key to success isn't a matter of following the right eating plan; it is a matter of getting rid of the wrong eating plan."

This is an interesting book. Her premise is simple and it caught my eye because it deals with changing habits and making longterm lifestyle changes. She isn't touting a quick-fix or a formula that involves secrets or key ingredients. She tells you to look at what you do right now and change it. I love the biblical concept behind her method that you put off the old (sinful) self and put on the new (redeemed) man. You do this by identifying the vice (or sin) and replacing it with the virtue that will bring about the actions and results that honor the Lord. She doesn't present it this way in the book. I haven't yet read any mention of faith or the Lord. But, the underlying principle is there and it convinces me that this "method" of weight loss works because it's based on that truth.  As the last quote above shows, our righteousness is not about following a list of rules but living in the grace the Lord has granted. We allow him to purge us of the wrong plans in our lives (sin) and replace them with His grace and power to make those choices that bear fruit.  This applies to all areas of our lives, including how we care for our bodies.

I'm going to give this the 21 day commitment she suggests and see where it leads. Along with her suggestions for the gradual, simple changes to my physical body, I'd like to add in a simple change for the area in my life that the Lord is also dealing heavily with me; my marriage. From the inside out, I want to see the Lord shine His healing into my life.

One aspect of this program is speaking daily affirmations to yourself. The affirmation she lists seems harmless enough, but I can't help thinking how much more effective it will be to speak God's truth to myself daily instead. I'm going to pray and hunt for the right words to keep me properly focused on His truths and their power to change me.

Tomorrow I'll begin with her Day 1, listing my actions and whatever notes and insights I gain from that day's and each subsequent day's reading.

Saturday January 26, 2013

Not a great day. Yesterday was pretty much the same, only a little less Not Great.

One puker today. My head is killing me. I am FRIED with schooling and parenting tonight. Worried we've got more sickies on the way. My energy is at an all time low.

No exercise today or yesterday. Sleep stinks. No real progress on baby's sleep habits. It's 8pm and we still have children working on school work. Just a rough week afa school goes and today wasn't any kind of break like I had hoped.

I don't forsee an early bedtime in my future, but I'm thankful that my husband will be home tomorrow so I can hopefully catch up on a bit of rest. No church, though. That's a bummer.

Up days, down days. Just do the next thing. Pray through it. Give thanks.

Friday January 25, 2013

Rolling a few things together.

Made it to the Y yesterday and got in my 20 min on the elliptical before heading down for Family Fun Night. We had a good time doing some fun games on a family circuit. I even tried the hoola hoops! Boy, I used to be way better at that. ;)

Getting to the Y was a major feat, though. We had sewing lessons that afternoon so I had to prep to go right from there to the Y. That meant packing a dinner for us to eat in the van while still being sure we were lunched and out the door by 12:30. Ugh. By the time I got into my bed last night I.was.exhausted. So were the children. Lots of crabbies. I didn't feel bad at all that we all slept in and have been slow going today.

I made some yummy sugar-free blueberry muffins yesterday too. Only applesauce as a sweetener and they were a hit. :) I was also quite pleased with myself that I packed a good, healthy dinner that kept us away from the fast-food joints. Not that there are any along our way or that I could afford them...so it was time well spent on many counts. ;)

Thinking we'll work hard on the schooling today and then get in a library trip. I think I want to look for a book on health/diet/fitness of some kind. Maybe it will give me some new things to think about for some extra motivation.

Also hoping we can get some fun on the wii today. Maybe a ping-pong tournament is needed for our Late Night tonight. ;)

Wednesday January 23, 2013

Today's Good Things:
Logged and Blogged
Ending the day under in calories
Went to the gym for date night even though it's FREEZING out there
Made good choices for my after workout dinner
Really nice visit with a friend

Today's Not So Good Things:
Didn't get all the choring done for today
Moving really slow on the elliptical

I'm down a pound and half for the week! Yay!!  Big confession that I had pizza on Sunday night when we took our son out to use his Pizza Hut birthday coupon. Then I ate the leftovers on Monday. Then my husband took us out for pizza last night after we stacked 2 cords of wood. So....*blush*....pizza THREE days in a row for me and I'm still DOWN a pound and a half. Incredible! 

I felt so tired and slow on the elliptical tonight. I just couldn't make myself go, but I stuck with the 20 minutes and then the 5 minute cool down, so I'm feeling good about that, at least.

I'm thankful my husband and I are doing this together. I had convinced myself that it was way too cold (below zero...brrrr) to go out tonight, but he wouldn't let me do it. We had a great time and I love how good it feels to push the stress away on those machines.

It's funny how a little pound and a half can renew your determination and get you excited to keep on keeping on. :)

Thursday January 17, 2013

Today's Good Things:
Logged and blogged
Under on calories for the day
Exercised
Family Fun Night
Didn't stress-eat/good food choices

Today's Not So Good Things:
Didn't do well with emotions/stressful situations today
Still struggling with sleep
Baby is acting strange, doesn't want to eat other than nurse


I've got two nights in a row on the elliptical machines this week. :) The first night I used a Smart Stride machine (or something like that) and it felt hard to press on for the full 20 minutes, but I did it including a 3 minute cool down after. I had to go pretty slow, though, so I only burned 127 calories when it was all done. Tonight I used a regular elliptical machine and was able to go much faster, burning 187 calories in 20 minutes. I had to hurry out after that, though, to get the little ones for Family Fun Night. We were all a little disappointed because the games didn't involve much movement. But, we had some fun getting to know the other families and doing some silly stuff together. I really like it that we have some time carved out in the week to just have fun together.

So far, the Y has been great. It's a little stressful getting there. It's a little crazy dropping off so many in the kidzone when I go to work out. But, wow, do I love having some time to just move myself and not chase people around. I think that Benjamin is a little young for the room and I need to keep a close eye on him. But, when David and I are able to go alone, it's just awesome. It feels like such a great escape.

I weighed in last night at the Y and then again at home on the wii. The scales are different, but I am up a bit, which I expected. Not up as much as I expected, though, so that's good. Maybe this month of sugar free and yeast free is helping a little. Not sure. But, I'm motivated to keep it up and see what the scale says again next week.

Tuesday January 15, 2013

Today needs improvement, but I've done well with the cravings. Eating has been fine, I think. I NEED to get myself logging again so I can tell if I'm really doing well or not with what I eat each day.

So far I haven't had a chance to work out at all at the YMCA. I've been there plenty of times, but it's always been for the children's training appointments and once for a family fun night. I am hoping David and I can switch our date night to Wednesday nights so I can at least get in one decent workout on the machines each week. Going as a family is really fun. But, it's the same story...when the children tag along, not a whole lot of exercise happens for mom.

If I can get in there for some decent time on the machines this week I want to set up a training session for the weight machines. I'm sure I could figure them out, but I'd like to have someone walk me through and think about good goals and set up for long term effects. The people there have been really great walking us through each step. I have to admit, though, I feel like we are an army every time we walk in the place!

Last night I was only up once. Suddenly, that feels like a GREAT night of sleep after what I've been getting. Still working on being thankful and giving the times I am awake over to the Lord. I just wish I could do better during the day with our routine and getting things done.

Tax season is approaching. David works this Saturday. I need a plan to keep from feeling even more overwhelmed.

Edited: I entered in my food for the day and I apparently have over 700 calories yet to eat. Not feeling too hungry right now so maybe that will last me.

Monday January 14, 2013

Checking in quickly.

I've done so-so over the last few days. We had some company over Friday evening and she brought some delicious chocolate cake. I enjoyed a small piece with no guilt. Even though I had made a goal of no sugar for the month, I was willing to enjoy the hospitality of my friend and treasure the gift of a homemade gift.

Unfortunately, I wasn't so good about battling my craving earlier that week. I totally caved in to the peanut butter sandwhich I had been fighting against all week. That really stunk because I know I did it out of stress and frustration.

Then, the Sunday going to church I did the quick grab of a bagel on the way out of the door. We were running so late and it was the fastest thing I could take even though I knew it was not what I wanted. I'm pretty sure I used "we're late" as a lame excuse to cheat. Sigh.

Last night was a horrible, miserable night for sleep...or lack thereof.  I need to get to the place where it's just okay to not sleep well and move on. But I am battling so much anger and irritations. It is SO hard to be kind and to do what needs doing without feeling completely overwhelmed by the simplest tasks.  And, ick, how the crabbiness spreads in this house.

Today we head out for an hour or so at the YMCA. Some exercise may wake me up. Having somewhere to go is at least a motivator to get moving.

Tuesday January 8, 2013 - A little Upside Down

I'm finding it very hard to post to my blog. My evenings find my arms very full with a sweet nursing baby and my brain very tired from a busy day.  My lack of reporting in, though, is not reflective of my efforts this time. I have been doing VERY well with most of my goals this past week.

Now that the special coffee creamer we got for the holidays is gone, I've been totally sugar free for the past week. The only exception would be the sugars in our bbq sauce and salad dressings. Those are *real* sugars, though, and I'm still deciding about cutting them out. I am allowing myself to eat the foods prepared with molasses or honey that we make at home. I've cut the sugar so much in those recipes that I'm comfortable with the level of sweetener in them. Just enough to make it palatable. ;)

I was so surprised to see our 13, 10, and 8 year old all make a pact together to kick the sugar from their diet too. They've started paying more attention to what they are eating, purposing to avoid adding sugar to their cereal and they even all chose to use applesauce on their french toast yesterday in place of syrup. Pretty cool. :) I encouraged them by giving fresh golden pears in their stockings instead of chocolate coins like I normally would. I think they all enjoyed a cookie at church on Sunday, though. ;) I haven't been correcting or saying anything. I want to allow them the freedom to make these choices and see their effects. I remind from time to time just to see how they will wrestle with their choices. But, I certainly don't see anything wrong with them allowing themselves a treat from time to time. Especially when they've been so good with their choices overall.

I've also been yeast-free for the past week. Well, except for the small amounts in the crackers and tortillas we purchase. I've stopped buying those crackers ;) and I'm deciding about the tortillas. The brand I buy that has yeast has the fewest ingredients and they are actually foods I recognize. The brand with no yeast also has a long list of additives and products that don't equate natural or *real* in my mind.  I guess, so far, I've decided that a little yeast is better than the foreign stuff.  In turn, I've chosen to eat those tortillas infrequently to avoid exposure.

With all of those changes, I don't feel deprived much at all. I admit, I did wander the kitchen yesterday afternoon with a major craving for bread. It took a lot of willpower not to eat it until I finally landed on some cooked turkey to satisfy my appetite. The bread is really a battle for me. But, so far, I'm winning. :)  I know I said I wanted to set my goal for just a month with this, but I really think that my addiction is so strong, I'd really better not go back to it. We'll see, and I don't want to become unbalanced, but I do want to break this hold that a silly food would have on me.

We joined the Y last night. I don't exactly know how that will look afa real exercise for me. But, I am excited we'll have some new things to try to just get us moving and active as a family. That meets a great hope/goal/desire of mine to just be active and enjoying life together as a family. We'll try the family fun night tonight and see how we like it.

Breakfast has already begun, so I need to join the team. I'm so tired after being up 3 times with Baby last night. We had the most amazing first day back to school yesterday. I need to push and let this caffeine do it's work so today can progress too.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Today's Good Things:
Stayed on goal with no yeast
Only added sugar in the coffee creamer
A nice visit with friends and time with some girlies
Some time with my husband who took a day off of work
Getting along well with my boysies

Today's Not So Good Things:
Living off caffeine right now
SOOO tired, dragging from sleep deprivation
Listening to my baby not sleep right now. Sigh.

So, I started my commitment to cut out all added sugars and yeast from my diet for the month of January. I envision it lasting longer, but for now I'm sticking with a one month goal. I tell ya, skipping the sugar isn't so bad. I'm still allowing myself to eat the peanut butter on the shelf with sugar in it and the condiments that have some natural sweeteners. I'll likely cut back on those too in the coming weeks. But the bread...oh, giving up the bread is really hard for me. Watching my husband eat a yummy bagel this morning was pure torture. I even dreamed earlier this week that I had raided the fridge and ate all the sliced bread. Ack!

I'm surviving on full caffeinated coffee right now. I don't like that I'm drinking so much of it, but man, it gets me through the day, ya' know?  One thing at a time, and right now I need a crutch of some type.

No real exercise right now. I'm focusing on getting projects done and prepping for back to school. David and I talked about getting back to Ttapp. I think that will start this weekend as well.

I've been doing a bit of reading on sleep deprivation and I'd like to keep some of what I've found on here. One thing of note is that those who suffer from sleep deprivation often deal with weight gain. That could be one very good reason I gain so much each baby year. Ugh.

I haven't weighed myself at all. I don't know if I even care at this point. Honestly, I just want my clothes to get loose, fall off me and then I'll have that wonderful problem of needing to buy a new wardrobe because I'm swimming in mine. ;) 

I've also been thinking on something for quite some time. My biggest goal right now is to see my face change. I've been looking at photos a lot lately and what bothers me most when I look at myself is my face. I don't like seeing how much I've gained in my face. I don't like seeing how worn, tired, and different I look from who I really am. That's the change I want to see most. I want my face back again. The one that wears a smile, holds a twinkle, and looks up with confidence.