Do you ever have days like this?
I do.
Every.Single.Day.
I mean every minute of Every.Single.Day
And frankly, I'm really tired of it.
Do you ever go through phases of, dare I say it, not liking your kids?
Is it just me?
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to pieces. I'd do anything for them and love them more than life itself but there are days.
I think maybe my days have turned into years.
It may be awful for me to say but Sam's likeability factor is pretty low and has been for a very long time.
I feel like I walk on eggshells every minute of every day trying to keep the peace in our home. It's a daily challenge. I keep wondering, why is this so hard? Why can't he just be nice? Why can't he just cooperate?
Since the summer began, I've called 911 once and have parked in the parking lot of the police station. I've threatened to take Sam up to Inner Harbor and let him live there if he can't be nice at home. Sam's anger issues seem to be getting more and more difficult to deal with and I'm about at the end of my rope.
I know Sam doesn't mean to do what he does. It's the brain damage and I fully understand that but come on already!
When I called the police, he had attempted to push me down the stairs, threatened to kill me, slammed doors, spitting, hitting & kicking me as well as Newman. Not a good day. Two police officers came, one was a parent of a child w/special needs and both were school officers. Again, they were meant to be there that day. They had a conversation with him about the police officers being his friend but that he can't hit his mom. He enjoyed showing them his stuff but I'm not sure that the reason they were there sank in. It's like dealing with a 6 year old.
A few weeks ago I started a conversation with a guy at our local indoor pool. He was working with a group of teenage boys from Inner Harbor. Say what? He told me what he did, where he went to school and that he was working on getting his special ed certification. He also wants to do recreation therapy. I said to him, "Where can one like me hire someone like you to come help me with my son?" We chatted for about 45 minutes and exchanged phone numbers. He has since texted me but we've yet to connect.
All I can say is that Sam would think twice about hitting or kicking a 6 ft.+ black guy who played college football. It's almost be like my very own body guard. Still waiting for him to call me back.
It seems our future is so uncertain. How will I handle Sam when he's 17? Will he live in some sort of assisted living situation? Will he be with us for the rest of his life? How often will I be calling the police? What happens if he gets so angry that he beats me up? I recently read an article entitled, "The Never Empty Nest" and it's about a family that has 2 boys with Fraglie X and how they will never leave home. It sounded all too familiar.
These are things that never, ever, ever entered my mind back when he was a sweet little baby. I always thought things would get easier as he got older but just the opposite is true. He is so much harder to manage and deal with and it will continue to get harder.
Happy Groundhog Day.
